Nightmare Party
Comedian Ryan Beil has finally convinced some of his comedian friends (Mark Little, Kevin Lee, Mark Chavez and other surprise guests along the way) to play DND! It's a fantasy adventure podcast where the Dungeon Master shows up ready to play and the players show up ready to absolutely ruin it. A riff heavy, hilarious experience for people that love DND and hate DND.
Nightmare Party
Nightmare Party - The Infirmary
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Our heroes find themselves in Dog London Infirmary.
Are we ready to get into this? Let's do it. Shit, your son, Drew. So, another edition of the Pet Smart Chronicles. Um, we're gonna continue our sort of um wonderful sort of DD adjacent, we like to call it, you know, like so. Hi, everyone listening. This is Ryan, the DM. So I'm gonna do it. I finally convinced all my cool friends to play DD. We're episode four deep right now. Um and we're we're gonna continue our sort of like shared story creation in this fantasy world we're calling the Pet Smart Chronicles. Um last week got off the rails in a way that I think like, you know, like I I just need to rein in it, rein it in a little bit, you know what I mean? Just a little bit. Because I don't want to squash your imaginations, but I do want to like maybe get us back on some kind of like classic sort of DD track a little bit, you know what I mean? So I I I have a pretty fun twist because I believe all of you were mortally wounded by like knife self-harm, yeah. By knife wounds, yeah. We threw ourselves on Nyx's knives. All of you threw yourselves on Nyx's knives, which is actually a good sort of like you know, cutoff point to like maybe reset the story a little bit. Yeah. Um but before we get into that, I want to- Starting over. Not really, right?
SPEAKER_03We could start over.
SPEAKER_02Okay, well. Okay, so I'm not Mark Mark uh Chavez's character, but I'm jacked, and I'm oiled, uh loiled and jacked, and I'm human again.
SPEAKER_03You know what? We could do this as normal as you want it to be, Ryan.
SPEAKER_01We can really be good to totally love that. I totally love that.
SPEAKER_02But I also I would miss these characters if we just like Yeah, these really well-established, carved out, well developed characters.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Well, I I put it to the group. I put it to the group. We could try to do this reset I want to do, or do you want to do a full restart?
SPEAKER_02No, let's do your I want to do your reset that you have planned, and we save the full restart for like the apocalyptic, like hit the red button.
SPEAKER_01Let's do your reset. Yeah. We have to save it. We have to save it because it's gonna come.
SPEAKER_02If this plan of yours totally fucks up, then we'll start it over. Yeah. Okay, great.
SPEAKER_01So what I wanted to start with is a little bit like just one more layer of D stuff. And I'm not trying to create homework for everyone, you know what I mean? I'm not trying to like uh uh shoe away listeners who might hate or not care about DD. But I thought it might be fun to do a little bit more character development for all of your characters pervert, uh pretty Prince Bitch, and Sir Barkle. Okay. Mr. Barkle in DD there's something called alignment, which is basically like your moral code. You know, I don't want to get too far into it, but it's like you either you either uh are are are are a good guy or a bad guy or a chaotic guy or whatever it is. So I thought maybe without getting too much into the weeds, we could find our inner motivations, you know what I mean, for all these characters, who they are at their core with a little bit of discussion. So when you make decisions, you kind of have to justify it off of that sort of um deeper inner meaning for all of these characters. Does that make sense? Yeah, because we we we've met them, we've seen them in action, they're doing everything, but like you know, why would they run at the knives? What would be the justification of that? You know, right. So just like a even like one sentence of what they want, what they need, you know, just like straight up like like script development style stuff. Like, who are these characters? And then we'll get into the the episode I have planned for us, okay? Okay, great. Does that sound fun? Yeah, so even just like one sentence, like I want this, I need this, I am this, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, we might have already discussed it, so it might be clear for some of you, or it might be something you want to like delve into further, or roll for too, even I'm cool for a role or whatever. But just something you can be like, okay, I have I can either kick in this door or I can like chill out and and wait for uh further information. What will I do? You can fall back on this sort of like I don't know, what you want to call it, a motto, a motivation, uh underlying raison d'être. Raison d'être. Your reason to live.
SPEAKER_04And that means in French reason to live. Yeah, yeah, reason to live. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01That's uh that's a version of the croque-monsieur sandwich.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. And that's my reason to live.
SPEAKER_04Are we looking at these ideas? Are we?
SPEAKER_01I think I think we can go we can go one at a time, and you can just go like, I have an idea or I need to ask you some questions, DM. You know what I mean? You know, I I can pose some sort of hypotheticals to you.
SPEAKER_04I'll I'll start. Uh great. Mr. Barkles has an undying curiosity for that which is unknown and that which needs to be learned and discovered.
SPEAKER_03Oh wow.
SPEAKER_04He can't stand a question. He has to have the answer. Right. And he needs to discover. He is he hungers for knowledge.
SPEAKER_01So you're like the scientist.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_01Not good at it.
SPEAKER_02Okay, that's mine too.
SPEAKER_01Okay. No, no, Kevin.
SPEAKER_02That's not a really good idea. Kevin, no. We have to be independent.
SPEAKER_01We need we need difference here. We need difference. Yeah, we need difference. So that's great. Mr. Brockley, you want to discuss that any more, or where does that come from, maybe?
SPEAKER_04Well, I'm just kinda that that literally, I just thought that. So how does that sound? Does that sound like something that's everyone's nodding? That we could like that that that that's actionable, right? Like every time something comes up, I could be like, well, Mr. Barkles, this is unknown.
SPEAKER_01So just to go back to like why we you would run at the knives. What's death like?
SPEAKER_03How pointy is that knife? How points is that real? That's the great unknown.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You're a seeker.
SPEAKER_01I'm a seeker.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like in you're doing Harry Potter stuff. You're a snitch. You're a golden snitch. You're turf. You're a turf and you undying thirst for knowledge and answers. Yes. Okay, that's great, Mr. Barkle. Thank you. So that's something you can Barkle. I'm sorry, Mark. You called me Sir Barkle earlier. Okay. Well, I've got a lot on my plate.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Well. Yeah. Fair enough. So that's something you can fall back on when you make character decisions and story decisions. You can be like, what does this mean for my sort of, you know, true uh what do you call it? What do we call it what do we call it again? Depression. Raise on detract. Kevin or Mark, who wants to go next?
SPEAKER_03Well, I think, I think, okay, so pervert, yeah. I've what we know is that I've lost my wife.
SPEAKER_01Yes, Belinda.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Belinda has died. Is she dead? Yeah, she's dead in a car wreck. She's dead.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, that's right.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, that's right. So uh so I'm experiencing a form of grief. Yes. And I'm I'm either out for answers about what happened to her, but I know what I know what happened to her. Okay, never mind. I got that answer pretty quick. Uh so I want, I either want revenge or I want to watch the world burn, which is kind of the same thing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. You want revenge on the world, maybe.
SPEAKER_03I kind of want to do an accident. I I think it wasn't an accident. I think it, yeah. So maybe it wasn't though. I kind of want, yeah, maybe it wasn't. But I kind of want like, you know, when you I'm I'm going through a self-destructive phase, and and I and I I'm I'm ready to I want to feel pain. It's like when you go through a breakup, a really bad breakup, it's loss, it doesn't make sense. So I think pervert is out to punish himself and the world for his for this uh misfortune. Injustice.
SPEAKER_01That's really good. That's really good. We've all been there, I think. Yeah. Maybe not to the extent that pervert has been. But like, yeah, that's very that's very that's very meaningful and very true. That's a great harmony.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you want to change to that? Yeah. Okay, then now I get to have more Chavez as well.
SPEAKER_01You can't change. Okay, you cannot change. You said now we move on to Kevin. Kevin.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Um Pretty Pitts Bitch. Yeah. What we know about Pretty Pitts Bitch is that they came from a sheltered uh background. They had everything that they wanted. In the previous versions, I sort of mentioned that maybe it was sort of like a reverse Siddhartha like Buddha thing where it's like they when they saw their first dead body, they weren't like, oh my god, like suffering in the world. They were like, oh my god, suffering in the world. Um they were like basically becoming a serial killer essentially. But um but I don't want to be too uh in line with like what's kind of already happening with my compatriots, like you know, like uh Mark's character kind of like looking to like punish the world and stuff. Um so I don't want to be like just another like a sadist or like you know, kind of be too much in the same vein. I kind of want to create some contrast in the group. Um so I can pivot a bit. Um I'm pretty principled. I could just be out to look for all the beauty in the world and just want to see beautiful things, and is actually just wants to be like out there and is like, wow, everything's so beautiful. Like it's is sort of oblivious to death and things like that.
SPEAKER_01It's just like that's very romantic.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, something like that maybe. So it's just out for adventure and romance and uh and beauty and tralali, tralala, doesn't really think about things and um these are great motivations. Okay, so wait, I want to change mine.
SPEAKER_01Okay, that's fine.
SPEAKER_03Because I feel like Mark and Kevin are both exploring very like sort of existential things, so I want to make mine concrete.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_03I can still be going through grief, but I want revenge on the guy who designed this car that my wife crashed in.
SPEAKER_01That's actually really good. That's actually really good. It's like a little bit more refined.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I want revenge on OJ Simpson.
SPEAKER_04He'll probably be like a mad inventor.
SPEAKER_03Maybe, yeah. We we get to meet the inventor of the only thing.
SPEAKER_01Designed the car that Belinda died in. Yeah. Great. Because it was it was a malfunction of the car. And do you know that?
SPEAKER_03Pretty sure. At least that's what I believe.
SPEAKER_01Does anyone else want to make theirs a bit more specific? Because that was really nice, Mark. Thank you so much, Ryan. You then want to have like a bit more specific mode.
SPEAKER_02I want to find, actually, yes, I want to find the person who removed my testicles, who neutered me. Okay, because we are all dogs.
SPEAKER_01We are all dogs. Yes. Okay, that's fine. So I neutered, these are my royal balls.
SPEAKER_02I got neutered.
SPEAKER_01Find the person who neutered you.
SPEAKER_02Yes, because I want to get them back because I want to start a family.
SPEAKER_03Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's nice.
SPEAKER_01That is really nice.
SPEAKER_03Pretty Prince Bitch wants to start a family. So I want to put my balls in as my female and start a family. Yeah, this is really good, Ryan.
SPEAKER_01This is good.
SPEAKER_04And so, Mark, do you want to get a bit more specific? Yeah. Uh, so I I do I still want to maintain this thirst for knowledge, existential, broad thing. Uh, but specifically, I I want to know. I I want to know, I want a really cool collar and leash. Okay.
SPEAKER_03Um a little bit. That's good.
SPEAKER_04I need a really good collar.
SPEAKER_03So you just want like and leash. And a gag. We know gag. We know that if I mean we're going to Dog London, right? We're going to Dog London. That's right. So if that's the question is why are we going there? Well, if that's the big city, they would have the best stores.
SPEAKER_01That's true. The reason why you are ultimately going to Dog London is because you were on the run from the cops. Oh, right. And so disappear. So some of us may know people in Dog London. Some of us like, it's a good place to disappear, perhaps.
SPEAKER_02But I sort of like that there's now that we have concrete reasons to go there versus just like disappear.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, Ryan, what if we got rid of the cops thing? Yeah, that never happened.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Okay, great.
SPEAKER_02But we lost, we lost them now. That was three episodes. That was three episodes. All of it never happened. We didn't even get stabbed now.
SPEAKER_01We are gonna do a pretty big reset.
SPEAKER_03We should have just done this from the start. That stuff never happened.
SPEAKER_01We're gonna put the cops down pretty low. Pretty low, but we're not gonna lose it because that's DD, right? Because you make decisions and they do kind of haunt you or follow you, or that's that's why it's that's why it's the best game. You know what I mean? Where we you you you can't always just say, no, forget about it. You it always is is there a little bit. But Brian, you're talking about DD, right?
SPEAKER_03Because it sounds like you're talking about life. Whoa.
SPEAKER_01Am I right? Kevin, do the falsetto laugh?
SPEAKER_02I can't. That rocked me too hard, actually.
SPEAKER_01Fair enough. So we feeling good about like so those are your inner character, sort of like, you know.
SPEAKER_04I want to change my okay. In my thirst for knowledge, I was I studied with a professor. Yeah. Professors, Professor Sniff. Professor Sniff. Okay. Yeah, he's gonna fuck it up. He can't say he can't say dependent on it. Like my character is Mr. Barkle because he's like, okay, Sir Barkle.
SPEAKER_01Kevin, if I can if I could do anything to you right now, I would. I don't know about it. I'm doing my best. I'm taking the best notes I can.
SPEAKER_04Doctor, Dr. Professor Sniff, uh in my uh was my mentor and and professor in the in in cosmology, just the nature of the universe. And he said to me on his dying day, he said, To continue your study, you must find Dr. Lick who is in London. And Dr. Lick can continue, and he has the answers. To the the the big questions of you know what is the nature of the universe.
SPEAKER_01So Professor Sniff told you to find Dr. Lick. That's what we're talking about. And that's part of your sort of thing.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, and I also find a really cool collar, and leash and gag. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03So revenge, balls, which equals family, yeah, and professor, which equals answers. That's pretty fun.
SPEAKER_02To the secrets of existence, which Ryan will have to give, like give you a lot of. Yeah, Ryan will have to come up with that.
SPEAKER_01So here we are, though. We have like a little bit more like maybe we've anchored ourselves to something a little bit more real. We are these characters. I I I don't want to stifle what we we think of. And the other thing I'm gonna do is we're gonna do a lot more rolling. Okay? We can't just bring three Chicago guys in just because we want to. We have to roll if they're there. You know what I mean? Okay, we can't just, you know, have we have to roll if it happens. We have to do a little bit more rolling. So everyone get their dice, their dice rolling thing open. Got my because that's gonna kind of like steer us a little bit more. I've I've maybe been a little bit too liberal, I think, with allowing stuff coming in. So we're just gonna try to rein it in a little bit, but also don't, you know, don't don't say no or uh to to ideas. We're just gonna roll to see if they're real. Okay. Okay.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01Okay, great. Now, do we all remember what happened last time?
SPEAKER_03No.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So all of you are have self-inflicted knife wounds, I believe. All of you are all of you are maybe mortally wounded. And here's what's gonna happen. Are you ready? Yeah. Are you ready for the teaser to happen? Yeah, yeah. All of you wake up in the same room, handcuffed to a gurney, in a hospital, in Dog London Infirmary.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god! How did you get there? I don't know. I don't know how you got there.
SPEAKER_01Are we like a veterinarian's? No. So Doc remember the world is mostly dogs, so it's uh it's actually a hospital. So the so it is still fantasy world, so the gurneys are maybe made out of stone or something. Yeah, you know, like the lights are sort of like probably like like like uh what do you call fireflies, you know, buzzing around. Right. And you are but you're you you don't have your cannon, pretty Prince Bitch. Oh all of you have no stuff.
SPEAKER_02I know we've got taking away my balls.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, exactly. My cannon balls. And you're you're handcuffed in like sort of an old school handcuff, like sort of like a handcuff you'd see in Pirates of the Caribbean. You know, handcuffed to the gurney, which is also made of stone.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, like iron shackles, maybe.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, iron shackles. And you've been put through some mysterious force has saved you, and you've brought you to this hospital. You're in Dog London, but you're without your truck, you're without your stuff, and you're in the hospital.
SPEAKER_03Whoa, this is really good.
SPEAKER_01We all wake up at the same time. Yeah. And why don't you do all of you like a gasping breath to wake up?
SPEAKER_02Okay. Okay. Three, two, one.
SPEAKER_03Oh my goodness. Where are we? Where's Dr. Lick? I just had the most heinous dream. What happened in your dream? Shaquille O'Neal was there. Okay, who's that?
SPEAKER_02Your dream went up that high?
SPEAKER_03He's a basketball player and he dunked me like a ball.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god. He shattered my back.
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_04What happened to you? I don't remember.
SPEAKER_02I also had a dream. I had a dream that I was my own balls, and I was severed, and I felt so sad, and I was flushed down the toilet, and the toilet took me to Dog London, where I started up a business with a hat shop for balls.
SPEAKER_04Are we in Dog London?
SPEAKER_02Wait, is that what this is?
SPEAKER_03We're in some sort of sterile room with one window. Let's look out of it. I want to roll down. I can see the shard.
SPEAKER_04I can see Dog London brands.
SPEAKER_02I want to roll to smell if I can smell that it's Dog London.
SPEAKER_01Okay, great. Yeah. You could look out the window, but let's see if Kevin can smell if it's Dog London.
SPEAKER_02So I rolled a natural one.
SPEAKER_01So yeah, you don't smell anything. What do you smell? What do you smell, pretty Prince Bitch?
SPEAKER_03It doesn't matter. We can see.
SPEAKER_01But for the rest of this episode, Kevin, you're like, we are not in Dog London based on that. So no matter what you find, or whenever you're not Dog London, can't smell it.
SPEAKER_02It smells different.
SPEAKER_03So here's what here's what here's what I'm feeling, uh perverts feeling. I'm pacing the room. I'm going. You're shackled. Well, yeah, that's right. I'm I'm I'm pacing as far as I can. Yeah. And I'm going, I'm going, fuck, fuck. When I get my hands on the guy that designed that car, if we're in Dog London, that means we're close to the car manufacturer.
SPEAKER_04Perfect. This is the first time you mention this. What are you even talking about?
SPEAKER_03Shut the fuck up. I say that. I say, shut the fuck up, and I spit at you.
SPEAKER_04Oh, once I find Dr. Lick, I can get rid of you guys.
SPEAKER_02Stop, stop. Oh God, I wish I had my balls so I could stand up to you guys.
SPEAKER_01You guys are really using your motivation.
SPEAKER_03I hate. I hate you guys. You guys distracted me from my one true purpose.
SPEAKER_04You never mentioned your one true purpose.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, what's Dr. True Purpose?
SPEAKER_04Oh, once I get to Dr. Lick, I'll have the answers and I'll be able to do that.
SPEAKER_02Which one of you is which? I can't smell the difference.
SPEAKER_01A nurse comes in. A nurse comes in.
SPEAKER_03Oh no! I got I got a new purpose now. Me wanna touch that.
SPEAKER_02I don't think I knew the most because I just want to lay some pipe and not have to think about the consequences.
SPEAKER_03Lay some pipe. Okay, but we're still feeling it. Did you guys did I dream that? Oh okay, guys. Tell me straight up. Did we all just see the same thing? Oh god.
SPEAKER_02Uh yeah, I think I need 50 CC's of whatever that was again.
SPEAKER_04Oh, please. Knock me out and wake me up.
SPEAKER_03Oh, doctor, I think I'd like to be prescribed one more of that nurse. Uh doctor, I think I just coma it in my pants. I'll have what I just had. A view of that, the view of that nice dog of stuff.
SPEAKER_01Hey, I think a doctor comes in. A doctor comes in. And the doctor leaves the doctor leaves. So you all are like have a medical finish, I guess.
SPEAKER_03Well, Ryan, not to quote the riddle, but yeah, the doctor was a woman.
SPEAKER_01That's right. The doctor was a woman, and the nurse was a man.
SPEAKER_03So yeah. Ooh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01But you're just attracted to anyone who works in the hospital, I guess.
SPEAKER_04Yes? I'm attracted to being better, to getting and and it's also the unknown. I don't know those people.
SPEAKER_03I also want to add this I think that everyone who works in this hospital might be very hot. Yeah, okay. Maybe a hot hospital.
SPEAKER_02It's a hot spital. It's a big city hospital. So it's like these are the hottest medical professionals we've ever seen. So we come from like a container.
SPEAKER_01It's like LA, everyone moves there, you know.
SPEAKER_03Everyone moves there to be a doctor.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03All the hottest people.
SPEAKER_02All the models and everybody moved there to be doctors.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Okay, well, let's try one more and see how you react. A hospital administrator comes in. Ugh.
SPEAKER_02Okay. I'd hit it. Let's just say it out loud.
SPEAKER_03Let's be honest. I would too. I mean, yeah. You have noted our lack of enthusiasm, but we would hit it.
SPEAKER_01So are we hitting it or do you have something to tell us? I have something to tell you. What is it? Okay. I just want to let you know all your conditions. All of you need to roll right now for a medical restriction that has happened to you.
SPEAKER_02Oh dear.
SPEAKER_01Okay. One at a time, and I will look at my folder and it will tell you what's wrong with you.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Who's going first? Chavez? Sure.
SPEAKER_01Chavez. I'll go. Uh one. Natural one. Okay. You have you have a mana IV that's been input inside of you, and you can only tell the truth.
unknownOh my god.
SPEAKER_01So you can only tell the truth. That's the thing about the mana IV. You can only tell the truth. And the mana IV gives me mana, like magic. I just it's just I just summing I I called it. You know what I mean? But it's just like this is your restriction. You can only tell the truth for this whole episode. No matter what. Okay, sounds good. You can only tell the truth.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Um, okay, here uh I'm gonna roll. And I got a 17.
SPEAKER_01Okay, you have the cone of shame on. So you have a cone. Classic dog cone. Uh and uh you you have like disadvantage, okay, when you're trying to convince people of things.
SPEAKER_03Um because I don't uh I don't command respect.
SPEAKER_01Exactly, because you got this funny cone on your exactly. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Nice.
SPEAKER_01Kevin.
SPEAKER_02And me. Oh, natural 20!
SPEAKER_01Okay, perfect. You have a splint on both your legs, so you're just very slow. That's way worse than hell. Natural 20. You have slowly. It wasn't about like, well, better or worse, it was just sort of split up or whatever like that. So that's what you're saying. You have two splints on your legs. You got two broken legs. You're very slow. Those splints look bad on you.
SPEAKER_03Shit. Wow. You're harsh. Just truthful.
SPEAKER_01The administrator says, Would you like to send anything else to me? An Awuga or a I would get it.
SPEAKER_02Um, you would get it. Oh, that's truthful. Um, I think you can splint. I mean split.
SPEAKER_03Okay, here's what I say to you. I command you to let us go. Uh you you can't shackle us here. We're on a mission. We've done nothing. We've we don't belong here.
SPEAKER_01Well, you arrived, but the watch wants to interrogate you before we release you, so we have to wait until they arrive. So classic sort of hospital drama.
SPEAKER_03Grab the administrator right now.
SPEAKER_02Grab him!
SPEAKER_01I try to grab them with my spinning the administrator.
SPEAKER_02I grabbed them with my splints like chopsticks.
SPEAKER_01I'm like okay, roll for that, Kevin. Roll for that.
SPEAKER_02That's a nine snatches them up like that.
SPEAKER_01Nine, you do not. He kind of gets away because your legs are broken. Okay, like stop it.
SPEAKER_04Can I check to grab the administrator?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, everyone has a chance. One chance. I'm gonna roll. Yeah. What do you how do you grab though? Because you're shackled.
SPEAKER_04With my free hand and my mouth. I'm a big great dane. Okay, great. Grab with my mouth. You loan.
SPEAKER_03What kind of dog is this administrator?
SPEAKER_01No, no, no. Gets away.
SPEAKER_03Okay, I grab at.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, pervert.
SPEAKER_03Pervert grabs at him. Yeah. Pervert grabs. I got an eight, also.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So none of you, you all like. So it's like we try to grab it. Quite shackled. Try to grab. Get off of me. They'll be here in an hour. Enough's enough. Hey, wait.
SPEAKER_02Do you want to hit? No, I do not want to hit.
SPEAKER_01And the administrator, the administrator walks out.
SPEAKER_02Guys, I go, I I go, alright. I just look out the window while they leave.
SPEAKER_03Hmm. Oh, you can't do it. We need like a wistful sort of Charlie Brown kind of look.
SPEAKER_02Just sort of like, whatever.
SPEAKER_04I start chewing at my arm, coyote ugly style, to get to get out of it. Coyote ugly style is a little bit more than a little bit. Coyote ugly is about like bartenders who dance in the barn.
SPEAKER_02I do like flat dancing on the bar and being sexy.
SPEAKER_04No, the original term is like they the coyote that chews its arm off.
SPEAKER_01That's the original term? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Of coyote ugly?
SPEAKER_04Because you're from the southwest in America, right, Mark? Yeah. That that movie was named after that. Oh coyote. Coyote are a really gross term, actually, when it's used for people, because it means you wake up with a person you didn't mean to have sex with and you chew your arm off to get away from that person because your arm is caught under the.
SPEAKER_01I have to tell the truth. Let's do a roll.
SPEAKER_03Oh, I only rolled a two.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so Mark can say that as much as he wants. In fact, because you rolled a two, you have to say that, Mark, uh, two more times in this episode. It's like, but just weave it in as natural as you can.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01So here's here's I won't forget to say it.
SPEAKER_04I'll make sure I weave it in.
SPEAKER_03Here's what I'm saying is pervert. I'm trying to lead this brigade, whether you respect my cone or not. Guys, I don't know how we ended up here, but I can't.
SPEAKER_04I can't take you seriously. I can't take you seriously.
SPEAKER_03Shut the fuck up. I swear to God. I swear to Christ. I may not command respect, but I will demand respect. And I I say this if if there whatever the watch is that's coming to talk to us, that ain't good, fellas. We gotta find a way to get out of here. I don't want to get interrogated by no one. It sounds like authorities, and we've, I don't know if you remember this, killed some of those recently.
SPEAKER_04It's true. And I have to find Dr. Lick. All right. Yeah, and I'll see if we can find it.
SPEAKER_03Speaking of Lick, I have to find my balls. Yeah, let's try picking these locks. Nice. Do you have anything on your person?
SPEAKER_01Because you just have a you you have a paperclip mark?
SPEAKER_04I do have the paper. There's a paperclip. There's there's some paperwork next to my table being held together by a paperclip, which I'm gonna take off.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna say it's a staple that the administrator left there.
SPEAKER_03Okay, and and the paperwork is like um NDAs that we're supposed to sign for being kept here. So there's a pen too.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there's a pen too. But can you reach it with your foot, I guess? Let's roll. Yeah, who's reaching? Because you want to. No, how about just yeah? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02No, we can't just yeah. Can Mark Little roll to convince you of that with his disadvantage?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I want to convince Ryan, the DM god, yeah, to just let me have that thing.
SPEAKER_02But with that disadvantage roll. Okay, great.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I guess the first time is his life.
SPEAKER_04The lower roll.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so I just rolled a 20.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, but now to roll again.
SPEAKER_03Okay, my next roll is a 16. Whoa.
SPEAKER_01It's pretty high. Yeah, you you just grab the papers, Mark Chavez.
SPEAKER_03I guess it was the same as just rolling to grab it. No, but you convince God.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, you convince God to actually let this be.
SPEAKER_02I know I don't have the goods right now, but just let me do this in front of everyone, please. And you did.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so you have the papers, Mark Chavez. Yeah. I look at the NDA and I go, I'm not signing this shit. I put it down.
SPEAKER_03You're not signing that crap at all.
SPEAKER_02And I pick up the paper. Pretty Prince, bitch. Stop signing it. I just have such a beautiful signature. I love to do it. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_04Try to pick the lock.
SPEAKER_02This guy's a rock.
SPEAKER_01That's a roll. That's definitely a roll. Here I go. Here I go. I'm picking, picking, picking, and I roll a three. Is that good? You do not pick the lock. In fact, you break the little clip you're using to try to pick the lock and you're still locked.
unknownFuck!
SPEAKER_03What the fuck are you doing? Why did I even trust you to do that? I'm gonna start I'm gonna roll to slap the shit out of you.
SPEAKER_04I start gnawing at my lo my arm to coyote ugly my way out of it. I just rolled a 20.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so you are able to slap.
SPEAKER_00What? Start marking Mr.
SPEAKER_04Parsh's out of you. I slap him back. Okay, we'll roll.
SPEAKER_03I doubt that.
SPEAKER_04I'm gonna roll, I roll a 20! So you slap him back.
SPEAKER_02Okay. While they're doing this, I'm gonna use I'm gonna try and like my splints. I'm gonna like take a little like chunk off of that and like try and use it to like pick the lock pick.
SPEAKER_01A chunk off your wooden splints. Yeah. To use as a lock pick. Yeah. So let's see if you can get a nice chunk off your splints. Roll for that.
unknown14.
SPEAKER_04Just the word chunk makes me feel like it wouldn't pick.
SPEAKER_01What? Don't mark the channel. So you have a chunk. You know you have a chunk. A chunk.
SPEAKER_02A splinter.
SPEAKER_01Splinter.
SPEAKER_02And I rolled an 18.
SPEAKER_01You get you get it in there, but it just doesn't work.
SPEAKER_03What? 18's not enough?
SPEAKER_01No, it's a wooden, it's a piece of wood. You're shoving it in. You think it's gonna like. But it's good enough to keep my broken leg straight. Yeah, no, exactly. It doesn't. You're still locked. You're still locked. I'm sorry. I have to rein you guys in. You're still locked up.
SPEAKER_03Okay, fine. I'm gonna try picking the lock now.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I'm gonna. You slap the shit out of my lock. I'm gonna slap the shit out of my lock. My lock's. I'm gonna I would like to roll to say that my lock is made of just wood. It's not metal. Because they ran it out of metal.
SPEAKER_01To say that your lock is made out of wood.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And then I'm gonna slap the shit out of it. Okay, so this is gonna be a pretty hard roll. Okay, you rolled a 12.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it is not, it is metal. It is metal.
SPEAKER_03It's metal. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I wanted a higher roll for wood.
SPEAKER_03So disappointed.
SPEAKER_01You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03Well, then what are we doing? We're just stuck here?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I mean, what are you gonna do? Can we scoot our gurneys? Can we like start riding our gurneys out of here? Certainly, our gurneys have like wheels, casters on them, or something.
SPEAKER_01So you want to scoot your gurneys into the hallway.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, maybe we can like just start riding out of here. Like we got maybe we can move to like another room or something.
SPEAKER_03We're gonna be stuck here forever. I want a role to just get used to this place. Because I don't think we're going nowhere. I want a roll to give us to ask Pretty Prince Bitch to tell us a story because I'm getting I hate this place and I need to pass the time.
SPEAKER_02Okay, give me a roll. Gotta convince you because it's a disadvantage. He's gotta convince me, right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, that's right. So yeah, I did two rolls.
SPEAKER_03I rolled Okay, I rolled a 16 and then I rolled a 10.
SPEAKER_01Okay, yeah. Pretty Prince Bitch, you will tell a story.
SPEAKER_02Okay. There once was a a knight, and the knight was tasked with a an apot as in love with the love of the pretty pretty another knight. And they're at task with a task in order to marry the knight. What the fuck? And that task was to break out of a break out of a hospital. And that knight tried to tried to do that, and it and he did it.
SPEAKER_03Okay. I want a roll to slap the shit out of him for that story.
SPEAKER_01Okay, give me a roll.
SPEAKER_03No, because I can slap. Oh, yeah, it's a it's a convincing. Physical is not. I rolled a 12.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you slap him.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Next time I ask you to tell a story, tell one that you know. Don't just riff a piece of garbage like about it.
SPEAKER_01Orderly. Orderly comes. He goes, I heard it all before. My name's Marlo. I need to change your bedpans.
SPEAKER_02Oh, let me load mine up first so you think I'm a big boy.
SPEAKER_03Okay, fine. Marlo, let me put a little something in there for you. Leave you a little tip. Okay, what are you leaving in?
SPEAKER_04PPN supplow, can you please remove and reinsert my catheter?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'll get to that. I just gotta take these bedpans out first. A lot of people are really interested in you guys. You came in late last night and everyone can't stop talking about you.
SPEAKER_04I look to see if he has keys on his waistband.
SPEAKER_03Does he have keys on his waist?
SPEAKER_04He does have keys on his waistband. I roll to sneakily grab the keys.
SPEAKER_01Is that okay? Can I try that? Yeah, sure. So he he comes to clean your bedpan and he's like bending over and like dumping out your pee and poo, I suppose. We're going, ooh la la. I roll a four. You try to grab it, and he goes like, oh, yeah, right, little guy. Don't worry. I was just trying to grab your keys. I have to tell the truth. So are we just gonna go all three of you are gonna try to grab his keys?
SPEAKER_02No, I'm gonna try and grab his PP. No, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna try and sexually assault him.
SPEAKER_03No, we're not gonna sexually assault him.
SPEAKER_01He comes to clean out of your bedpants, he goes, like, yeah, the cops are gonna be here in 45 minutes. The watch wants to talk to you guys. 45 minutes? What are they doing? What they're traveling.
SPEAKER_02I go, Marlo, what are we in trouble for? What are we doing here? We just got really beat up on the road. We got mugged essentially. I don't know. Now we're in trouble. Like we're just an orderly.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god, Marlo, you're fucking killing us here. You're the only guy we get to talk to. So what do you know about this place? Tell us anything.
SPEAKER_01Well, you're in the Dog London Infirmary, the biggest hospital in the world.
SPEAKER_04Told you pretty first bitch. This is Dog London.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I don't know. Come see come sir.
SPEAKER_01Anyways, you know, outside there is the big city, you know, where I live.
SPEAKER_04Marlo, can I ask you a question?
SPEAKER_01Do you know Dr. Lick? Dr. Lick? You mean the guy who runs this hospital?
SPEAKER_05Also, Marlo.
SPEAKER_02Oh my god. Marlo, does this hospital have a place where all the balls go to that are that are castrated from?
SPEAKER_03You mean the ball morgue? Okay, and then everything stops, and then Pervert turns to the camera and he goes, and I oop?
unknownWhat?
SPEAKER_03What? Can I oop? And I oop. And I oop. Pervert turns to the camera and he goes, Okay, turns out we're in the right spot.
SPEAKER_02Hearing that little catchphrase, we start getting really excited. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Remember, if you get three catchphrases, you guys get too excited, you gotta go go ape shit. Oh, that's right. So Marlo starts to take his card out. He's taking all your poo and pee.
SPEAKER_03We say, wait, wait, wait, wait, Marlo, Marlo, Marlo. What? What? Marlo, Marlo. Let us out of here, man. We we we'll make it worth your while.
SPEAKER_01Whoa, how you gonna do that? Anything you want.
SPEAKER_03Anything you want. We got a prince here. We're three able adventurers. We killed some cops. We can fucking.
SPEAKER_04You want someone killed?
SPEAKER_03We can kill someone for you. We can help you out.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. All you gotta do is unlock these shackles and we are yours for one favor.
SPEAKER_01Well, uh actually I do have a favor that takes place in the basement of this place. It takes place there? Yes.
SPEAKER_02I love favors that take place. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Where what is it? It's something I've been working on. An experiment.
SPEAKER_02Oh, Marlo, you're just an orderly, but you're experimenting down there? I love that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I want to be a doctor, but they won't let me. They won't let you be a doctor?
SPEAKER_04No. Have you studied to be a doctor? You're hot enough. You're hot enough to be a doctor.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, everyone in this hospital is hot enough. Did you did you fail the test? Did you fail the MCAT? I'm uh into something called necromancy. Oh, romancing the necro. Nope. Dead guy stuff. Oh, necrophilia is romantic. No, no, no, no. Necromancy. Yeah, romantic romantic. Necro Necros. Look, if you guys can help me with a little experiment I got going on downstairs, I can get you out of here if that's okay with you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Alright.
SPEAKER_01I've reanimated a corpse, and I need you to take him with you on your adventure so he gets out of here. For how long do we take him with us? Forever. Just keep him safe.
SPEAKER_03Take the corpse out into the world and let him join our party. I look to the camera and I go.
SPEAKER_04I say, I look at the camera and go, talk about dead weight.
SPEAKER_03Okay, and then Pervert looks to the camera and he goes, Oh no, another friend. Uh twist my rubber arm.
SPEAKER_02Pretty Prince Bitch looks at the camera and goes, Hey, uh, I know this is a hospital, but uh uh we need to stop uh coffin. Um I'll let you out of here. Yeah, okay, good, go, go.
SPEAKER_01Okay, great, great, great. So Marlo looks both ways and he takes the keys off his thing and he unshackles all of you. And he goes, like, now I'm gonna need to put you all in one gurney and pretend like I'm taking you down to the morgue. Like we're trash. Like, no, you're like your dead bodies.
SPEAKER_02Oh, you're gonna fuck us there.
SPEAKER_01No, no, pretend to be dead and you do that. Not sexually attracted to dead bodies. Marlo, Marlo, I need to talk to Dr.
SPEAKER_04Lick.
SPEAKER_03I need to get my balls back. Promise us you're not gonna fuck us. I'm not.
SPEAKER_01Remember, Dr. Lick is your own thing. The balls is your own thing. I need you to meet this dead body I've reanimated and bring him into your party, okay? We did agree.
SPEAKER_03Pile in. We pile in on top of the gurney. Hey, what? I don't want to go on the bottom. Hey, is that a big thing? I don't want to go on the bottom.
SPEAKER_02Whose hand is that tilt?
SPEAKER_03Okay, so I think it's uh none of us are on the gurney. We've all just switched sides in the room. You're going on the bottom. I'm not going to the bottom.
SPEAKER_05What are you doing?
SPEAKER_02I'm not going on the burning. We grab Marlo and the next one.
SPEAKER_04I'm spending on the gurney. I start pushing the gurney with Marlo and the two of the books.
SPEAKER_01No, no, no. The three of you are gonna have to pretend to be one body on the gurney.
SPEAKER_03It's just that I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna be the heavy lady. I'm gonna be the girl. Oh my gosh. All four of us are shaped like the gurney's pushing us? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_02What the how the hell? I'm giving you one more chance. Oh, and I'm gonna lock you back up. Okay, we got it. Call security. Fine, I'll go on. Okay, let's roll to see if we can actually do this properly.
SPEAKER_01Good idea, Kevin. You roll. Nice.
SPEAKER_0214.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you do it properly. Okay. You're able to do it. It's above 10. So you all so just so we all know who's on the bottom, who's in the middle, who's on top to make this fake body.
SPEAKER_03I'm on bottom.
SPEAKER_01I'm the face.
SPEAKER_02Okay, and I'm what does that make me? You're in the middle. In the middle. Okay.
SPEAKER_01So we have the biggest dog as the face, a little dog as the body, and then a bigger one. But with the with the with the sheet over you, it does look like one body. Marlo like wheels you down a busy hallway, a busy sort of fantasy-based hallway.
SPEAKER_04I'm not dead. I'm not dead. I'm an alive person. Marla goes, I have to tell the truth. My mana. My mana IV.
SPEAKER_01And then we get to an elevator where Marlo push the basement down button, but then two doctors come up beside the girdie, dressed in like old timey doctor wear. You know, like not like new timey doctor wear, like kind of like doctors in like the plague version. And one of them goes like, Dr. Lick, you must stop doing all the things you're doing, or we'll never figure out what the reason is. And Dr. Lick goes, Well, I don't want to do that anymore. And he pushes an up button, and you're all standing there waiting for the elevator. We're standing? You're lying. Here's standing.
SPEAKER_03Here's I and and I'm trying I've got my paw in my mouth trying to muffle my own voice because I'm going like this. Hubba hub.
SPEAKER_02You're all very sexually attracted to doctors and I go, I'm doing the same thing, but I'm like, I'm like, oh, here comes another splint. And I got my two legs a split, and then my boner's like between them. And it also has a splint on it somehow.
SPEAKER_04What are you doing, Mark Chavez? I just start talking to him. I have to.
SPEAKER_01You have to. You have to? Do you feel like you have to? But truth doesn't mean like, remember like liar liar? Yeah. Like, just because like you have the truth serum doesn't mean you have to say something. Right? Do you think so? I understand that. You know what I mean? So my my survival. It's like it's more of a choice. Like, are you gonna do something? Right. Or are you gonna like lay there and let this happen?
SPEAKER_04So I just but I'm I I open my one eye and I look and I just try to get a good look at what Dr. Lick looks like. So I'm gonna have to find him later. What does he look like?
SPEAKER_01Dr. Lick is a Portuguese waterhound. Obama's dog. I don't know what they look like. Is that bone? Curly haired, yeah, like uh like with like a bit of tuft tuft of white on the uh on the chest. Oh, so cute. And Dr. Lick makes a just as the elevator opens, going up, Dr. Lick like looks at you in the eye and like makes eye contact. goes like train goes up and gets in the elevator goes up. Marla goes like guys stop saying habba hobba so much. Can't help that everyone's so hot in this also it's a fantasy elevator, so it's like, you know, just like sort of sparks and like sort of like that's that's machine.
SPEAKER_02That's still a machine. It's sort of not functioning well. Sparks has wires um it's like the cell phones falling out and the buttons light up and there's sparks sparks and it's and it so it takes you so you go down like five minutes you're going down to the basement five minutes.
SPEAKER_01Five minutes is a long way that's a long way really long elevator ride. Shh hey you guys can get up now. We're in the morgue the ball morgue? No, no that's upstairs you gotta keep balls near the sun.
SPEAKER_03Oh man it's crazy it sucks down here. Look at this place. It's so dark and nasty.
SPEAKER_04So many unanimated corpses are there any reanimated corpses down here?
SPEAKER_01And so you fucked all of these guys?
SPEAKER_03No, I don't fuck any of them but I have been Prince bitch playing around with necromancy put that away pretty Prince bitch.
SPEAKER_00Someone I want to introduce you to oh yeah her name is Susan Susan Boyle starts singing Susan Boyle the hideous thing with the voice of an angel oh god yeah it's Susan Boyle Hello I was dead until Marlowe helped me become alive Hubba Hubba Really I need you to help me get out of the hospital and be my friend so we just need to be your friend or we taking you somewhere specifically you need to get out of here because the the Dr.
SPEAKER_01Lick is worried about all the shit I'm doing down here. You know what I mean? So you guys need to escape with Susan and I'll help you get out.
SPEAKER_03Marlo, here's my question You've reanimated Susan but if you're not gonna show anyone what you did to prove that you've got these skills how are you ever going to achieve your dream of becoming a doctor?
SPEAKER_01Well because I'm doing like anti-doctor stuff and like like you know like dark doctor you know like black magic stuff. To what end?
SPEAKER_03To digo maybe the digger of the world yeah I can re I can animate enough corpses I can have an army of corpses let me ask Susan Boyle right now do you feel like you're gonna go to war for this guy?
SPEAKER_00Depending on his sort of platform.
SPEAKER_04And then where do you want to go Susan Boyle?
SPEAKER_03Like we're taking you out of the hospital with you out of here please gosh we agreed to add someone to our pack but I never pictured it would be Susan Boyle.
SPEAKER_04Is it a dog Susan Boyle or is it a human Susan Boyle?
SPEAKER_01Well that's up to you guys to decide I think it's probably a dog Susan Boyle because most people are dogs in this world it's a doggo world. Yeah but it could be someone different it could be a different uh creature if you want to I'm I'm willing to let you decide I think Susan Boyle's a basset hound. Wait is that Mark's a bass oh is like a little uh chihuahua a tiny chihuahua Susan Boyle that's awesome okay so she's very small yeah take me with you you can put me in your pocket I just don't understand you're just gonna be with us in forever I just need to get her out of here because Dr.
SPEAKER_02Lick wants to come down here tomorrow and vacate all my experiments okay okay fine yeah whatever we'll we'll take her we'll take her and you know maybe we'll show a good time and then maybe we'll like how to ditch her somewhere no no part of it is show a good time you have to keep her safe I unshackled you guys but we're gonna meet you somewhere with her to take you to take her to your place you must live somewhere I'm gonna tell you something straight up Marlo we're gonna betray you because I don't like this deal anymore.
SPEAKER_03I don't want to hear word one from Susan Boyle in my life. Well then maybe I should hit this emergency call button which is a fantasy version so it's like kind of like yeah you know what you do that you bring everyone down here to your little corpse factory and uh see how everyone happy everyone gets check in mate I guess yeah so maybe we're just gonna walk away from this Marlo and what you get out of this is we don't tell anyone about your little charade I know where the car manufacturer is that killed Belinda how do you know that to even say I don't know how I know I don't know but it's in my brain are you Belinda's brain inside that little body I don't know reincarnate I woke up with knowledge that I did not have before wait duc wait uh Marlo kill this thing and put my wife's brain in a hotter dog if this is my wife and this dog no thanks because you'd want a coyote uglier way out of that situation.
SPEAKER_01Nice that's two for you Mark so let's okay hey hey okay okay we got a lot to talk about how about I let you out of here at the basement entrance you go to my house it's a bit of a safe house that we can all reconvene and figure all this out oh my god oh my god okay we have to got no other choice but I gotta also get back here and find my boss I gotta come back and talk to Dr.
SPEAKER_03Lick holy shit look at these look at this body this dead body over here is that this is a celebrity oh my gosh oh look at this other celebrity dead body over here whoa check this out wow I didn't know this celebrity would be here look at his balls here huge I want to roll to see if I can put their balls on my body just for a bit okay it's gonna be a pretty high if you roll 15 or above eleven yeah wait Ryan I want to roll to I want to roll to you for to convince you to do a necromancy montage with us where we spend the next several hours helping you necromance a bunch of people so we can all have like a party okay this is gonna be a I it's gonna be a high roll and again I feel like it's a disadvantage I think it's a disadvantage would have been fun would have been fun that was gonna be fun yeah so Marlo takes you down this like it's sort of dirt dusty hallway to this like kind of like trapdoor he opens up that like and like the the the beeping and the honking of dog London is like he hands you a piece of paper that's like this is my address I'll meet you there with Susan Boyle he's gonna we're we're taking Susan though.
SPEAKER_01Yeah but we got to figure all this out yeah you guys wanted to talk about like putting her in a different body so the address is fine but like where is it though?
SPEAKER_04Like I don't have a you guys have never been in Dog London before I we don't have any we literally are naked and have nothing on us. Like how are we gonna find this address?
SPEAKER_01And then from up the hallway we hear like what's going on down there?
SPEAKER_00Get out get out now get out now looks like it's just the four of us and me and Dog London with you.
SPEAKER_04I look at the camera I look at the camera and I say here we go again and we'll end that there for today.
SPEAKER_01That was pretty good right you got out of the hospital you have a new way more contained Ryan I feel like Susan Boyle you know what I mean a really good job of reigning us in um we still had some fun like you know what I mean like yeah how you how you all feeling about this episode good you know good yeah I'm still into the idea of a hard reset but I also love this I think we can all do that at any point and just start again a hard reset that's totally fine. Yeah I've been to like but I think you all have to agree on the hard reset and then we'll do it. That would be like you know when everyone turns the key at the same time. Yeah right so launch the nuke because like you know I I'm I'm happy with a hard reset if you want to start again in a let's see where this goes I think we do another episode we see what dog London has to offer and it's yeah you're in the big city now yeah yeah we're in the big city