Nightmare Party
Comedian Ryan Beil has finally convinced some of his comedian friends (Mark Little, Kevin Lee, Mark Chavez and other surprise guests along the way) to play DND! It's a fantasy adventure podcast where the Dungeon Master shows up ready to play and the players show up ready to absolutely ruin it. A riff heavy, hilarious experience for people that love DND and hate DND.
Nightmare Party
Nightmare Party - The Reset
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The Pet Smart Chronicles are paused, as the guys create new characters and set off on an adventure at sea.
Welcome back to the Nightmare Party podcast. Another episode here with Kevin, Mark, and Mark and myself is Ryan, the DM, the GM, the person in charge.
SPEAKER_09The AM, the PM.
SPEAKER_03The PM, the Prime Minister, the Dime Minister DM. Sorry. No, I we're doing a DD adjacent podcast. So if you haven't heard of this podcast before, it's I finally convinced some of my very fun comedian friends to play DD. And who are they? So that's as I've said before, Kevin Mark. That's this podcast? Oh Mark. Yeah. Oh my god. This is what I'm dealing with. This is what I'm dealing with. That's us. Ryan. Okay.
SPEAKER_10Kevin and I spoke before the taping, and he'd like to be referred to as Mark from now on. Okay, so three Marks.
SPEAKER_09Yeah. I want to be called Mark Kevin. So there's Mark Kevin. Mark Chavez and Mark Kevin.
SPEAKER_03Mark Chavez and Mark Little. And so Mark has a little bit of a so sometimes he has a child. And so his child is calling him.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, my child is a lovely boy. No, I'm talking about Mark Chavez.
SPEAKER_03So you're Mark Kevin.
SPEAKER_09You have a child? Yeah, I have a child named Salt Peter.
SPEAKER_01Salt Peter? Tell me more about Salt Peter.
SPEAKER_09He's just he's a sweet little boy. He's gentle. He's um soft. He's very he's incredibly quiet.
SPEAKER_03What's what is saltpeter in the real world? Is it something you put in like a musket? Is it like salt? What's what's is it a mineral?
SPEAKER_09From what I remember, it's like a special component in smoke bombs. Is that right?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that's what I that's what I got. The muskets, I think. Yeah. Salt Peter.
SPEAKER_09Gunpowder, fireworks, rocket propellant. Acting as a strong sort of thing.
SPEAKER_03Not quite salt, it's like a little bit more. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, we wait for um Mark Chavez to come back. Mark Kevin, you recently had a birthday.
SPEAKER_09Yeah. That's uh I rechristened myself. Uh yeah. Thank you so much. Yeah, my birthday was yesterday.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And um, how do you feel about another year around the sun?
SPEAKER_09I feel good about it. Uh, I really hope I make it to 46. Yeah. Um, and uh yeah, that's great.
SPEAKER_03You've got a great life, Kevin. Mark Kevin, sorry.
SPEAKER_09Thank you. You've got a great one. Thank you so much. Thanks for noticeing. Thank you so much. I I I I I'm so grateful to be here and doing this and learning more about DD and fantasy and this other world that isn't my life, and getting to escape my life. The horrible, horrible life I have. Yes.
SPEAKER_10Oh my god, I cannot wait to start weaving in elements of Kevin's real life.
SPEAKER_03We should do more of and now let's call him Mark Kevin. Yeah. I'm pulling the shoot on that one. Uh, it's over. Okay, it's Kevin Mark and Mark.
SPEAKER_10If I do that, these two works get me a piss. It's already so confusing, even when I'm just naming the files afterwards. We know. There's too many M-A-R-Ks.
SPEAKER_04That's too much spelling.
SPEAKER_10But we're we are gonna give Kevin's uh dog character a nine to five job now. Yeah.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_09Yeah. I was a prince, I was pretty prince bitch. Uh I lived a life of lavish luxury, and so now it's like, I wanna I wanna have a job, I want to work, you know. Get some calluses on these on these paw on these paw digit pop ads.
SPEAKER_03To catch everyone up, we are doing the uh Pet Smart Chronicles. Uh they're all playing dog like you know the the show cats? Well, this is like the show dogs. Yeah. They're like doggos with hands, and you know, they can talk like human talk, and they've they've gone from uh just a classic tavern setup uh DD style to being on the run to then having like uh yeah, fights in the forest, to then trying to escape a crazy hospital situation to now finally being in the metropolis of dog London, which is London but dog style, because most people in this world are dogs.
SPEAKER_09Doggy style, say it.
SPEAKER_03Um and we all have our sort of our our our uh what do you call it? Like uh our raison d'tras, which we did last week, which we can get into. But you know, now we and also you have a you have a reanimated corpse of a chihuahua named Susan Boyle. Oh yeah, Susan Boyle.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah, I forgot we got Susan Boyle's like singing.
SPEAKER_03Susan Boyle, but she's a Chihuahua and also a corpse. Yeah. And you finally made it outside the hospital, and you're in you know, this m uh th thriving, thronging, you know, giant metropolis of dog London.
SPEAKER_04And so does anyone want to talk about anything?
SPEAKER_05Yeah, why do we go to London? Why are we going to Dog London?
SPEAKER_03So this has been asked so many times.
SPEAKER_09So uh because And we tried to cover last time when we gave ourselves wants and needs or whatever.
SPEAKER_03Because the the first episode, you guys became fugitives, you know what I mean? You became fugitives, and so you thought a good place to get away from this small town which you started in was this big city of dog London where you could escape to. Maybe you all have contacts within. You know, it seemed like a good um uh place to go.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_05So I was I was talking to a friend of mine, and I was explaining that I'm playing D D. And they were like, You're playing D. I was like, Yeah, you know, we're dogs and we're you know, and we're in London, and there's uh and you know, we're we finally found the dog city and we drove a blazer there. And they were bronco. A Fort Bronco. So this is where your friend got confused. They were like, why OJ didn't drive a blazer, and I was like, exactly, white Chevy Blazer. Um and they were saying that like that's that's not like D, you know? And I don't know. I would love just I would love to do I just want to do a hard reset and just I want to Okay, we have a call for a full reset. I want to be I want to be a magician, you know. I want to be like a Oh, I see. You know, I want to do D D, you know.
SPEAKER_03Oh okay. So last week we did have some calls from Mark Little for a for a hard reset. We're calling it a hard reset. Yeah, but I said we had to all agree. Okay. Okay.
SPEAKER_09So so so does so does Mark Little's from Last Stand, or is it like re- uh is that has that been reset and we're now Mark's the only one with his hand on the button?
SPEAKER_03Well, so Mark Chavez definitely has his hand on the button. Yeah, yeah. And uh, I guess I have to hear from Kevin and Mark Little if you want. So we've done a lot, we've gone a long way. We've met some NPCs. We have Susan Boyle, this Chihuahua. You know, it's hard to give up on that. Yeah, that's I mean, that's the thing.
SPEAKER_05We have built a lot of lore.
SPEAKER_09There is there is an angle of a hard reset, but not all the way hard. Like a semi-soft. Tell me more. A semi-hard reset where we reset our characters, we go back like you know, like Mark's saying Chavez is saying, Um, you know, we go back and we you know plant our roots as like a magician, uh another guy or whatever. Um but we keep some of these details. So like we've traveled to not London, but Flandorf or whatever. Right. And or we keep the world and you guys just do new characters. And there's still like a corpse per like there's an actual reanimated corpse that we have to take care of. Like we keep these elements, but we kind of pull out the like the dog element of it.
SPEAKER_05No, no. So you No, if we if we do any resetting, Mark Little, you want to keep it dog.
SPEAKER_10No, no, no. I think we have to. I think we go full I think we put a pin in the dog London adventures and we start a new adventure. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_10And and but we gotta set it up quick.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, quick setup. Okay, because we gotta get we gotta get to the to the role play.
SPEAKER_04Is that what everyone wants? A hard reset? Quick hard reset?
SPEAKER_10Okay, Mark Little? Yeah, I think it would be fun to try. Okay.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so we know we can come back to Dog London. Okay. Yeah. We know Pervert, Pretty Prince Bitch, and uh Sir Barkle. Sir Bark Mr. Barkles are are are there for us to just we can just go right back to it like a like a like a DVD menu screen. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_08Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So but let's do like let's exactly what you're saying, Mark Chavez. I thank thank you for saying that too, because like I'd love to do more. So let's not only decide who we're playing, but like what kind of class we are. And the classes are like wizard, barbarian, fighter, you know what I mean? Let's get a little bit more DD with this. This is great. Okay, great. Okay. Okay, great. So yes, last time we did a pretty quick setup. Let's do a quicker setup.
SPEAKER_05I actually have a DD book now.
SPEAKER_10You do? Oh great. No, that's double D's the magazine for porno heads.
SPEAKER_09See Double D's the magazine for porno heads. Make no mistake.
SPEAKER_05You got a player's handbook there. Yeah. So I'm gonna look at the classes and see what I want to be in. Oh, Ryan, he's trying to cut your grass.
SPEAKER_03It's okay. It's okay.
SPEAKER_10He'll never get near this one. Okay, Ryan. Well, how do we start?
SPEAKER_01Well, great question because I'm not sure. Wait a minute, a hard reset. Hard reset.
SPEAKER_05A carriage cost a hundred gold pieces and weighs six hundred pounds.
SPEAKER_03So Okay, we're not we're not getting that in depth. Okay, we're not getting that in depth. Okay, so okay, so uh well last time we started at a tavern. Okay, classic tavern small town thing. Um what if we started um what if we started on a boat?
SPEAKER_04Oh on a boat.
SPEAKER_03That's funny. We're all on a boat. Yeah. We're all on a boat together. Okay, so we're all sailors on a boat, on a river, a lake, or an ocean. You know what I mean? We're all we'll all be sailors.
SPEAKER_09We're all sailors on a lake. It's this little lake, we're on a sailing, yo ho ho in a bottle of rum. Yeah. Good. Land ho and ho and ho and ho and ho and ho ho.
SPEAKER_03So you're all sailors on a boat. Does that sound that sounds like a fun like reason why you would be together? You're sailing on a boat together. Beautiful, Ryan. Yeah, you know what I mean? So does anyone have any like initial thoughts about who they want to be?
SPEAKER_10Well, Mark Chavez, I feel like he's rare and though.
SPEAKER_03What was Mr. Barkle's class? Well, he didn't really have a class.
SPEAKER_05I believe if we go right back to the top, he was gonna be a he was gonna be a vampire. I think I want to be a barbarian.
SPEAKER_03Oh, cool. Okay, so you're a barbarian.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I think I was a barbarian as Mr. Barkles, but we didn't really get there.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, that's true. Because you were a Conan type off the Yeah, because I would Conan, yeah.
SPEAKER_05That's right, yes, of course. So you're a barbarian.
SPEAKER_10So what kind of barbarian can he be?
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I oh a human.
SPEAKER_00Ah.
SPEAKER_03Or it could be a what else could I be? Well, there's very there's a few like specific, there's like half orc, half elf, elf, halfling, you know what I mean? Or you could I'm I'm willing to let you make it up. But we're gonna go away from the dogs this time. Okay. Okay. Okay.
SPEAKER_09So I can't even be like one eighteenth Labrador. Well, we'll see.
SPEAKER_03We haven't got to you yet.
SPEAKER_05Okay. Mark? I I want to be a um I want to be a half barbarian.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so lower half. Yeah. Really good at thinking.
SPEAKER_05You are a barbarian. So you're class as barbarian and you're gonna be a half barbarian? No, no, I'll be a full barbarian, half uh I'll be a I'll be half um.
SPEAKER_01Again, you don't have to like you can you you just what's your imagination tell you? Like, what do you like?
SPEAKER_03Um Mark doesn't have that. Yeah, like last time you wanted to be a vampire guy, yeah. And we didn't really get to that because we turned into dogs.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. So maybe I'll be a vampire guy.
SPEAKER_10Can he be a vampire in this world? Absolutely. Vampire dog.
SPEAKER_05So you're a vampire? No, no. Let me come back to me. We're coming back to you. Come back to me.
SPEAKER_01We're not coming back to you. We're starting with you. Oh, we're starting with me. Okay.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03I'll be I'll be a like when you when you were like, you know, like are alone and you're like, you know, you're thinking about like what's cool and what's not cool, you're you're pretending, you know, to me. What would you what do you do when you're alone in the in the house?
SPEAKER_09When Mark's alone thinking what's cool and what's not cool, sitting there in a leather armchair with a cigar, just being like, what's the right thing?
SPEAKER_03What's an interesting what's an interesting take on the on the classic vampire?
SPEAKER_06Why isn't that a podcast?
SPEAKER_09When you're just sitting there thinking what's cool and not cool.
SPEAKER_05A classic vampire, like a like a like a cool take is like they they're a daywalker. They can walk among us. Okay.
SPEAKER_10But is is a vampire also a barbarian? Isn't that just a different class of guy?
SPEAKER_05That's a really good question, Marco, that you brought together.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I know. I'm conflating some things. Absolutely. I just want to get you guys excited about your characters.
SPEAKER_05Okay, I'm gonna change it all. I want to I want to be a magician.
SPEAKER_10Oh, nice.
SPEAKER_05I want to cast spells.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, of course. So a wizard? Great. Yeah. Great. And your name? Golf.
SPEAKER_10Oh, hell yeah.
SPEAKER_03G-U-L-F or G-O-L-F.
SPEAKER_05Like the game. G-golf. Golf. And he's always doing golf puns. Give me two. Give me two.
SPEAKER_03Other than four. Four is not a pun. You just say four.
SPEAKER_05Pull in one of you with my spell. Oh my god. That's so. Am I more? Yeah. This is a par three, as in par for the course.
SPEAKER_03Look at some golf stuff. That's fine. So you're uh a wizard named golf. This is great. Your wizard named golf. Are you old or young? Old or young? Old. Old guy. Yeah, he's gotta be old. Old guy. He plays actual golf. Old guy. Um and is your is your wand a golf club or is that a big thing? Yeah, my wand is a nine-iron. Nine iron.
SPEAKER_09That's sick. It's so long.
SPEAKER_05That's great. Really? And I go, how's your short game? And then I like cut them in half. With a sword. With the spell. With the spell.
SPEAKER_03This is not bad. This is not bad. Any other last little things? Because this is what we're going to do very quickly. Your money where your mouth is. No, no, no, no more puns necessarily. Any other little character things. So you're a wizard named golf. You've got a nine-iron. You do a lot of golf puns.
SPEAKER_05Yeah. I go shanks for the memories.
SPEAKER_03Someone looking at golf puns on the internet.
SPEAKER_10You gotta save some of these. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, because we're gonna be we're gonna be playing soon. So uh are you I maybe just here for you. Are you good or bad? Are you good or bad? Are you a good good guy or a bad guy?
SPEAKER_05Well, I play golf.
SPEAKER_03So you're a bad guy.
SPEAKER_05Bad guy, yeah. Yeah, sounds bad.
SPEAKER_03A bit of a bad guy. You're a bit of a bad wizard, a bit of a dark wizard. Selfish. Selfish, great. You know.
SPEAKER_10What other classes are there, Ryan?
SPEAKER_03Well, you got wizard, you got barbarian, you got a bard, which is like an entertainer. Voger. Hell yeah. Exactly. I want to be a bard. Okay, great. Mark Little's gonna be a bard. That's great. So a bard. So bards, you know, they play music, they do uh they do little skits, yeah, they they do speeches, they're they're an entertainer, and they also do a little bit of magic. So you're a bard.
SPEAKER_10Did I take yours, Kevin? Do you want to be a bard?
SPEAKER_09No, no, no, not at all.
SPEAKER_03Okay, great.
SPEAKER_09I laughed when Ryan said they did a little skits.
SPEAKER_03I mean, like other than music, what else are you gonna do? Little skits. Uh what what what are you what's your name, Mark Little?
SPEAKER_10Um, my name is of course.
SPEAKER_03Yes, it's pudding. Pudding. Pudding, okay. A pudding. A bard named Pudding.
SPEAKER_04Okay, and so pudding. So we is he young? Is he middle-aged? Is he what what what's pudding's deal?
SPEAKER_10Um he's he's like uh he's middle-aged. He really wanted this life. Yeah. Like when he was a kid, yes, to be an entertainer. Yes. But now he's just old enough that he's like, I'm still doing mics.
SPEAKER_03He's seen the sun start to set a little bit. He's like, What am I what am I doing?
SPEAKER_10His contemporaries are doing a little bit better. They're singing for the king. Yeah. He's kind of still singing at taverns. He has to pay a couple bucks to sing at a tavern, a couple gold. He has to pay to even get it.
SPEAKER_05Is it possible he's been like banned from performing at certain places as well?
SPEAKER_10Or is it yeah, because sometimes he's sometimes he says the truth and people ain't ready for that. Yeah. Yeah. He uses the R word sometimes. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05What is the R word in R world? It's the same.
SPEAKER_09It just has F at the end. Some grapso. It's got F at the end. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03R word F. The D is an F. We'll never say it. We'll never say it. We'll never say it, but you know it's there. And when you say it in your head, it's there. It's the F is there. That's great. Yeah, that's good. Because he like he doesn't care about censorship or like the last truth teller. He's the last truth truth teller.
SPEAKER_10The last teller that's he wants to start our world's version of a podcast.
SPEAKER_03He is interested in starting a podcast.
SPEAKER_09And he hasn't yet heard of it, but there is DD, and he's like, what if I he'll be like, what if I did a podcast about that? Oh yeah. And the DD is about the normal world.
SPEAKER_03But he hasn't heard of it yet, but as soon as he hears of it, he's gonna like that.
SPEAKER_10Keep that information away from him, or this whole podcast will go nuts.
SPEAKER_03So pudding the bard, middle-aged, loved the idea of being what he is now as a kid, but now that he's you know of age, yeah, he's he's kind of a bit sad. His contemporaries are singing for the king, whereas he has to pay two golds to go to an open mic. He says the R word. He's interested in starting whatever our world's version of a podcast is. Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's great. Great. Uh we'll quickly move on to Kevin Lee. Kevin? Right. I said Kevin Lee like there's another Kevin. There's no Kevin.
SPEAKER_09You said it like it was Heavenly.
SPEAKER_03Heavenly?
SPEAKER_09Well, that's perfect because I wanted to be uh an angel. No, oh, well, I could be. I guess I was gonna be like a cleric or like a priest. But I feel like we have a lot of magic. You have a lot of magic soft guys. So I could go, I was looking online, I could go paladin, which is like a knight who's a priest, a priest knight. Yeah, you got you're the guy who's gonna get shit done for us. So I got like a sword and a shield, but I'm like, God, above all.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Are you gonna do paladin or cleric? Because they're both kind of religious guys.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, I think paladin just so I can't do it. Paladin's like a religious copy guys.
SPEAKER_03You could be like a religious cop.
SPEAKER_09Oh shit. I love those guys. Yeah. I could be like religious ice. Okay. This is cool, right? Yeah, this is really cool. Yeah. I turn off my uh I turn off my um my uh magic body cam. Yeah. I finally just get to work. So you're a paladin. No, I don't want to do that anymore. Okay, you're gonna be a good one. I want to just be a regular priest. I'm just gonna be a cleric, yeah. Cleric.
SPEAKER_03You're like a priest guy. You're like a priest priest wizard kind of guy.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, I like that we're three magic y people or you know, soft.
SPEAKER_09Yeah.
SPEAKER_08Yeah.
SPEAKER_09It's very different from our previous one where we're basically just like uh shooting a cannon, we're like driving a car and getting stabbed.
SPEAKER_05Well, yeah.
SPEAKER_03See, I like this. This is like real DD. We're getting closer. We're getting closer. We're getting we're definitely getting closer. So, Kevin, you're a cleric, you're a priest guy. What's your name? What's your deal? Give me what what do you want to be?
SPEAKER_09Uh my name is um uh my name is uh Jesus Christ.
SPEAKER_03Jesus Christ. I mean Okay, yeah, your name is Jesus Christ in full. Yes. But in our world, that guy, that other one, doesn't exist. Yeah, exactly. This is just a great name. It's just a name.
SPEAKER_09In a way, this is a name that makes us go. Us Christ. Jesus Christ. Yeah, Jeez. His first name is Jeez.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, Jeez, Us Christ.
SPEAKER_03Us Christ. So Jeez, middle name Us. No, I think Kevin didn't say that. That's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_09Kevin, do you like that? No, no, I like I like being Jesus Christ, but people call me Jeez. Okay, great. Okay. People call you Jeez if you want. Actually, I could be like uh tofer. He'll be like, oh, call me Zus.
SPEAKER_05Nice. Zus, yeah, the second half of the name. Oh, yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_09But anyway, so Jesus Christ is my name.
SPEAKER_05Everyone calls you Jeez. Gee's is sus. Okay, that was a big one.
SPEAKER_06Uh so I keep working on the go back to golf months. That's a clip. That's going on the internet. Um, that's going viral.
SPEAKER_10Cut that out, post it, eliminate everything else.
SPEAKER_09Clipped. Um yeah, what are what's the next question? What do I need to know?
SPEAKER_03Well, just who are you? So you're G's, you're a cleric. Are you old? Are you young? Are you bad? Are you good?
SPEAKER_09I'm gonna be young, I'm gonna be right out of the seminary, you're young, right out of the brand eyed and pushy tailed. I'm like, this is I'm gonna go and proselytize, I'm gonna like make some converts, absolutely return people to the um and what who should my god be? My god is gonna be um It's up to you. Uh it's gonna be called the Devouring Snake. Oh the devouring snake that lives at the at the in the crotch of the world. And I'm going to and everyone's gonna be eaten by the snake. It's gonna be great. So phalloc. What?
SPEAKER_10It goes from being loosely phallic to just overtly explicitly phallic.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. And it's but I have no clue. I'm like, what are you talking about?
SPEAKER_10Sort of a snake that lives in the world's groin.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, it lives at the crutch. And it'll it'll it'll come out and once it gets it at the re at the end end times, it gets rock hard. We all we all climb to the tip and climb in. Yep. Wow. And we get packed in like saltpeter.
SPEAKER_03So you're trying to convert people to this religion. Yeah. And what's your religion called if it's the this devouring snake that lives at the crotch?
SPEAKER_09Yeah, it's called the it's called the the uh the church of the devouring snake.
SPEAKER_03That's fine.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, yeah. That's enough. It's called the it's called the uh what would be like the uh the what can I get an L in there so it's LDS like the Latter-day Saints. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Listen, it's a devouring snake. Yeah. Yeah, it's the Latter-day Devouring Saints. Yeah. Latter devouring snakes, yeah.
SPEAKER_09It's the long devouring snakes.
SPEAKER_03Long devouring snakes. Long devouring snakes. LDS. Let's get some yeah, let's get some Mormons. LDS.
SPEAKER_09So we'll I'll I'll use a lot of Mormon uh iconography and stuff like that. Perfect.
SPEAKER_03Absolutely. That's great. So okay, great. So we have so we have a bard named pudding. Middle aged. He's you know doing his best. We have to do it.
SPEAKER_05Mark, what's your temperament?
SPEAKER_10Um depressed. But still grinding. Still grinding. Still grinding.
SPEAKER_03And you're gonna wake up on a boat.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, we wake up on a boat.
SPEAKER_05When you say we wake up on a boat, you mean like we know we're on the boat. Like we've gone to sleep on the boat. Or do we wake up?
SPEAKER_03Well, great question before we start. Did you all are you all why were you all on this boat? Were you going somewhere? Like, let's decide that as a group.
SPEAKER_10I'm starting a ferry, maybe? I'm starting a tour.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Oh, you were on you were trying to get somewhere on a tour.
SPEAKER_05Oh, maybe we were all going our own separate ways, but we have the same destination. So Mark or uh Dog London. Putting a starting a tour. He wouldn't be going to Dog London right away. He's gotta play small towns. Dog.
SPEAKER_03You know what I think? You were on your way like a classic crossing, but then a storm happened, and you're gonna wake up on like an unfamiliar is like desert island, basically. You know what I mean? Like classic. You know, you don't know where you are, and you gotta figure you you don't, and you're also strangers to each other, but you're gonna wake up as the last survivors of this shipwreck on on a deserted island. Is that cool with everything?
SPEAKER_10Yeah, what do you want to call that island, Ryan?
SPEAKER_03Jar lamp. Jarlamp. Jarlamp. Really good, really good stuff. Did you look right at the end of the day? I I did my own Mrs. Doubtfire. Yeah, yeah. Jar Jarlump guy. Jarl. Jarlump. Jarlump. Okay. But we don't know that.
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_03Do we have any charts? You don't know anything. No, you were on your way. You're that you've never seen this island before. Okay. So let's just uh how about we do a scene where the three of you meet for lunch on the boat before the storm?
SPEAKER_05Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03You know, just a little bit so we hear a little bit of your characters, you know what you're talking about. Sure. And then we'll the storm will happen, and then you'll wake up on the beach, you know, as the last remaining survivors.
SPEAKER_09Question though.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_09Are we all humans? Or are we Great Quest?
SPEAKER_03Are you all humans? You could be different. You could be creatures. I'm a human. You could be creatures. Okay, golf a human. I'll be uh orc. Okay, an orc. Nice. An orc for pudding.
SPEAKER_09Uh and I'll be an elf. There's elves and there's elf and else.
SPEAKER_03This is happening.
SPEAKER_05This is a real thing. This is what my friend was saying. Yes. There's no Chevy Blazers.
SPEAKER_09What is like what as an elf, what would I act like, Ryan? Like, what is what are some characters?
SPEAKER_03I think elves are a little bit h-highfalutin. They're a little bit like, you know, like we're pretty. Yeah. That's great. Yeah, you've got the orc thing down there, Mark. Mark Chavez, you'll figure out a human eventually. I'm just Mark.
SPEAKER_09It's Mark Little's the beginning of that song. That's like sounded like you were doing that a little bit, you know?
SPEAKER_03So uh you're you're it's like an old-timey kind of like train situation where you're all meeting in the dining cart, you know, but it's a boat. And so uh you're all seated at the same table because you're traveling alone. So I'll see uh uh Mr.
SPEAKER_04Golf, Mr. Pudding, and of course uh uh Mr. Mr. Jesus Christ. Thank you. I do prefer the full name. Thank you. This is our last remaining table. It's right by the ice machine, but uh you'll be okay.
SPEAKER_05Works with me. Works with me. I'll just have a seat here. Hello. Who are you two?
SPEAKER_10Uh yeah, I'm uh my name's pudding. I'm uh just listen, I'm not having a good day. I'm not having a rough one. They cut me off at the damn bar. Oh. The ship's bar.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, yeah. I saw that. I saw that happen actually.
SPEAKER_09The long duh long devouring snake t uh take mercy on you and uh let you caress its long schnickly body. Shut the fuck up.
SPEAKER_10Oh shut get the get this guy away from me. Oh, relax. Let me tell you something about religion. Okay. Organized religion. Here we go. Oh, truth telling. Why is he standing up and holding that carrot to his mouth? No, no, no, no, no. Now I was yeah, I mean, I was raised around religion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05Oh, he's such a good comedian.
SPEAKER_06Well, he's really taking command of this audience that's not an audience.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, he's so angry. I love it.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. If I wanted someone to tell me what to do, um, I'd move back home and move back in with my parents. It's true. I'd move back home and I'd get a and I'd ask my and I'd get a wife.
SPEAKER_03This guy. This guy's great. Yeah. Here's the menus for this evening's dinner service. Uh we're all out of porridge.
SPEAKER_10Hmm. Oh. Well, let me tell you, you still got some pudding. What's up, fellas? What's up, fellas? I guess that's his name. What's up, fellas?
SPEAKER_05I'll have the uh lobster bisque, please.
SPEAKER_10And let me ask him something.
SPEAKER_05Me?
SPEAKER_02Me?
SPEAKER_10Wait, are you asking me or the gentleman who just ordered? Or Jesus Christ. I'm asking uh what's your name, buddy, who just ordered?
SPEAKER_05My name's Golf.
SPEAKER_10Golf. Um Lobster bisque. Nice order. Um I is there a whole side of the menu that's just for gay men?
SPEAKER_03Wow. This man kills it like it is. That's so bad. Wow. That's crazy.
SPEAKER_10Let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. What was what was harder? Let me ask you something. What was harder? Uh developing this specific palette uh that you've got or uh coming out of the closet. Whoa.
SPEAKER_05Mr. Golf, do you have a response to that? He's really joked me into a corner. I don't know. I can't say anything without omitting my homosexuality. I would I would be hoped that you'd have some kind of golf related you're gonna let him get a hole on one on you like that?
SPEAKER_03That was a double eagle. Oh. I'm unfamiliar with the rules. And Jesus Christ put you in the rough. He really did. Wow. This guy should be golf. Talk about a Yes.
SPEAKER_07They make us do a lot of golf at the Church of the Law the Long Devouring Snake. Oh, is that right? Oh my god.
SPEAKER_05Oh, at least we're gonna get along famously. Hey, is that a storm coming?
SPEAKER_03Oh no.
SPEAKER_05I should get back to Okay.
SPEAKER_10I guess not yet. No, you think that's a storm? Oh, he's uh storm.
SPEAKER_09Idiot. He got you again. I thought it was gonna be a metaphor for like that he was the truth storm, but no, he's just saying you don't know what storms are.
SPEAKER_03Mr. Golf, can I take your nine iron to the coat check? You see, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh. This is my important nine iron.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, it's the one he uses to. He'll get a guy. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_09Oh that's not what I was expecting. He'll get a guy.
SPEAKER_04So one lobster bisque. Anyone else want uh food?
SPEAKER_09Yes, I'll take some porridge, please. Thank you. We're out of porridge. I believe you could actually look a little harder and find some porridge. I'll check with the kitchen. Long Devouring Snake be praised. Okay.
SPEAKER_05Out of porridge. Par for the cores.
SPEAKER_10Oh, nice. Actually, I like him now. Okay, great. Here's what I want to order. Here's what I want to order. A bottle of whiskey and three glasses. Because I don't eat with people unless I've had unless I drink with people.
SPEAKER_03Fair enough. Okay, well, I'll be right back with that whiskey and that lobster biscuit and I'll check on the porridge for you.
SPEAKER_10They cut me off at the bar last night and told me I was cut off, but I found a loophole and it's the restaurant.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, you just order at the restaurant. Yes, the restaurant.
SPEAKER_10Much more accommodating there, yes.
SPEAKER_05Well, I'm looking forward to sharing a drink with you two fellas.
SPEAKER_09Yeah.
SPEAKER_07Yes. This will be lovely. I love to meet different people, and I love them to bring them all to the long shaft of the snake.
SPEAKER_09Oh, Jesus Christ.
SPEAKER_05Tell me, um, pudding. Oh, sorry, you were just about to address Jesus Christ. No, I wasn't. Oh, wait.
SPEAKER_09I gotta change how I talk. Pudding uh sorry, I don't know why I didn't react to that.
SPEAKER_05Tell me, uh are you on your way to do some shows?
SPEAKER_10Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you can call them that, some of these podunk towns.
SPEAKER_05Tell me the names of the podunk towns you're going. I might be going there too.
SPEAKER_10Uh likewise. I'm going to Fester.
SPEAKER_05Oh, I'll be in Fester. I'm on a uh I I'm on a bit of a uh uh I do speeches, so I'm on a bit of a tour myself.
SPEAKER_09What kind of speeches do you do, my son?
SPEAKER_05Just about the wizard dream world, spell casting. I'm a wizard.
SPEAKER_09Fascinating. Ah, fascinating. Yes. Well I've going to these places to do my kinds of speeches, you know, uh sermons and the like, and uh, you know, spread the word, the gospel of the long devouring snake, his long glimmering shaft will become hard in the end times. And we'll all want to bask in its glimmering glow.
SPEAKER_10It's like too too much. I can't I gotta change the types of jokes I make.
SPEAKER_05Are we all are we all um on tours?
SPEAKER_10That's yeah, I think we're all on tours. What is this? The entertainment, uh the SS uh entertainment? I think so. That's awesome.
SPEAKER_03Okay, I'm back with the whiskey. Okay, we're still out of porridge, and here's your lobster bisque, sir.
SPEAKER_08Oh, it's still out of porridge. Thank you for the lobster bisque.
SPEAKER_05This is as good as hitting the uh par five under three. Two. Very good, sir.
SPEAKER_09Okay then. Uh I'll take uh I'll have what he's having.
SPEAKER_10No, no, no, no, no. We're getting you your porridge. Okay. Now listen to me, my good man. He ordered porridge. You're world famous uh for your porridge. I know. Now that he wants a porridge. Now, whatever it takes to make a porridge, just get the chef to make him a porridge.
SPEAKER_05Oh, wait, why didn't I why didn't I think of this? I'm a wizard. Oh. I cast porridge. Okay. Should I roll? Okay, he definitely should roll.
SPEAKER_03So when you're casting porridge, you're gonna like try to conjure porridge?
SPEAKER_05Yeah. Yeah, I'm casting porridge.
SPEAKER_09Like squirt out of your hand or something.
SPEAKER_05So I'm conjuring porridge into a into onto the table. I roll a um here we go. 16.
SPEAKER_03Okay, yeah. So the man you're talking to explodes in like sort of a sort of like a cavalcade of blood and bones and porridge.
SPEAKER_06Oh my god!
SPEAKER_03Oh my god. So it goes, oh, whoa. You wait, the server just exploded. Yeah, the server exploded. So you cast porridge on this guy. Oh my god. You literally turned him into porridge and exploded him into porridge. Whoa. I think I'm uh late for a tea time.
SPEAKER_05I gotta get out of here.
SPEAKER_10Or on a freaking boat, man. You just killed that frickin' guy, man. Yeah. I I didn't ask you to do that. I mean, love devouring snake.
SPEAKER_08I just whoa.
SPEAKER_05Sorry to take his clearly I didn't uh designation. I didn't mean to do that myself. I thought I was going to create porridge out of nothing. I but as I should have known, you do have to have a thing to create another thing. You can't just pull something out of thin air and I get it. Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_10We didn't ask for a freaking class and wizardry grids.
SPEAKER_09You're boring me, and I'm by nature a very boring guy.
SPEAKER_10Here's what we need, first of all. We need some sort of a colander to sift the blood and bone from the porridge so this guy can definitely need to get porn.
SPEAKER_09And then a spell that's a colander that doesn't explode somewhat.
SPEAKER_05No, what are you pointing to right now? I'm putting it to the mess. I'm putting it to the blood and guts. Oh, you're gonna turn it.
SPEAKER_10You're gonna turn the porridge into a colander.
SPEAKER_05Pointing at the blood and guts. Well, I guess are you doing that? Are you actually casting colander? God, magicians are great. They can do so many things. Okay, here we go. And I rolled a seven. I cast columns.
SPEAKER_03So no, it doesn't the this kind of like makes it a little bit hotter, hotter to touch. Okay. Ow!
SPEAKER_09That's just part of myself realizing I'm just touching the blood and guts.
SPEAKER_10Okay, okay. We gotta, we gotta, we gotta feed this boy so he's not up, it's not on an empty stomach. Then we gotta hide the frickin' evidence here. Because I do not, I cannot, not at the beginning of a tour. Yeah. I cannot have some dead guy haunting the beginning of my tour.
SPEAKER_09Because we can't, you because your Ford Broncos not here, we can't immediately jump into that and start driving away like we did, like, like some other people we know. Googamoo ga moo? I didn't understand what you just said. That is a common expression here in this fantasy world. Googamugamu, guys, what are we gonna do? I'm like, I don't I don't like that god.
SPEAKER_03That's uh that's another god in the pantheon of uh so it is an empty, you know, restaurant right now, so like you have some time to clean this up, but like yes, you did turn the waiter into uh a mess of porridge and blooding stuff.
SPEAKER_05I take the uh the tablecloth off and I start scooping the stuff in into the tablecloth, like a giant napkin. Yeah. Go, go, go, go, go, help you out. Googamugagoo? Is that what you said?
SPEAKER_10Yeah, something like that.
SPEAKER_05So there's a god named Googawa, and then you say Googa Wamugagoo, and that invokes him, and it's sure. It's uh it's blaspheme.
SPEAKER_10Dude, analyze what I say some more. I love it. Said no one ever. This guy.
SPEAKER_03This guy is gonna drive me insane. Just then the boat starts to shake a little bit like look a storm. You guys kind of fall off your chairs and all your cutlery, and the porridge kind of froze around a little bit.
SPEAKER_09And I'm trying to like catch it in my mouth, but like not the blood in the guts. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03God, this guy's snake style. You see outside, and there's this crazy, uh like a storm you've never seen before, like a swirling sort of slow moving like a tempest. A tempest, but it's slow like a like a hurricane's eye and a tornado all in one, and it's coming towards Whoa, a hurricane and a tornado in one?
SPEAKER_09Well, check it out. Sorry, I just in real life, I don't know. I would just distinguish those on site if I was in the middle of the.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so I I guess you wouldn't be able to in in in the moment discern. It just looks like a mass of clouds like swirling coming towards you with rain and lightning and snow and hail. And the boat's shaking around. You could barely stand up.
SPEAKER_10Hold on, guys. Let me just let me just check the weather app to see what's happening here.
SPEAKER_06I don't expect this to be a lot worse given what's going outside, but I can still stand up pretty good. This is a strong boat. We gotta get inside.
SPEAKER_03We gotta get inside. Are we inside or outside? You're in the boat. You're in the boat, you're in the boat.
SPEAKER_06And you keep saying that, and I'm like, oh, he's panicking.
SPEAKER_03We're already inside, man. Okay, we're inside. You're about to black out. What's the last thing you all say before you black out? I say, water trap. You say water trap. Or water hazard. Water hazard.
SPEAKER_10I go save I go save me, goo, gaga woo.
SPEAKER_03Nice. Oh.
SPEAKER_10And I go, and I go like this. I guess God's giving me the light.
SPEAKER_03And it goes, shh. Like all, like, you know those scenes in movies where like chaos bloke broken glass happens, and then it just goes to black. Maybe ringing in your ears, sort of thing, like and then it slowly fades out, and you hear this uh gentle, like of a gentle tide on a beach, like and then I'm going like this. Exactly.
SPEAKER_05I come to you, I'm like, what course am I on? Is this Sandusky Beach? Is this Sandusky Beach?
SPEAKER_09And I'm like, I'm like, oh, Sun Sound. Am I inside the urethra of the giant snake? Is it the sound of a turtle coming and going?
SPEAKER_10Mammy, mummy. They laughed at me at school, and it was a drug I'll never forget. Mammy. I got one big laugh at school, and now I'm gonna commit my life to pursuing it. What was the joke? I want to know what the joke is. It's a little like I told a joke. I told my first joke at school, and it got such a big laugh, and now I'm cursed to chase it.
SPEAKER_05You're chasing the dragon for the rest of your life.
SPEAKER_03So you all open your eyes. The boat you were riding on, which is like kind of like a giant, kind of like, you know, commuter ferry, it's pretty big enough to have like a restaurant area, is capsized and broken, kind of like uh, I don't know, a hundred yards down the beach. There's wood planks and uh glass and metal all around you, and you're sort of like the three of you who are not having the best dinner together seem to wake up together and be the only people on this beach. And it's classic desert island.
SPEAKER_10You know, you got palm trees, you got a beach, you got like can we all be hugging like we all come to like hugging? Yes, you all come to hugging.
SPEAKER_03You you hugged each other to stay together, and you didn't realize that. You all come to hugging.
SPEAKER_05Oh, I'm so glad we came to hugging.
SPEAKER_10Oh I'd say buy me dinner first, but the last time you did that, a guy exploded. I really want to come and see you on tour.
SPEAKER_06You're quite humorous.
SPEAKER_10Thank you, thank you. Tell that to the audiences. I will. Okay.
SPEAKER_05Well, I guess we should start searching for food and shelter. Oh, right away. We should establish the hierarchy of our group and we should maybe think about how we're going to procreate in the future.
SPEAKER_09Let's go find a waiter for you to explode into food.
SPEAKER_10Hey.
SPEAKER_09That's what you mean, right?
SPEAKER_10Yeah, let's go, yeah, let's go find some big bull crap for you to explode. Don't act like this wasn't your fault. I know whose fault this was. You invoked you invoked the wrath of some greater being by killing that guy right on our ship. It was back to the bottom.
SPEAKER_02You're the one who yelled Google Google Wamahooga.
SPEAKER_10Google Wamahooka is nonsense, it's gibberish. I don't believe in a god named Google Wamahooga. My father was a cleric. And now I don't believe in nothing. Who is your dad? Who was your dad? Who was your dad? He was a disgraced cleric. Yes. He did that stuff you'd hope he wouldn't. Oh my god, I think I know him. His name was Big Big Pudding.
SPEAKER_08Big Pudding!
SPEAKER_05You know Big Pudding?
SPEAKER_08Yes. He was my mentor at LDS. Oh no. Yes.
SPEAKER_05Come on, we have to go He taught me golf. We have to go get food and shelter. No ifs, ands, or putts. That's good.
SPEAKER_07There you come. I want to I want to roll.
SPEAKER_10I want to roll to strangle the strangle Mark Chavez's wizard. To strangle golf. Oh yeah, that's right. I want to strangle golf. I'm so mad you made that joke.
SPEAKER_03Strangle him dead or strangle him just like strangle him dead. Strangle him dead like Boomer does ball.
SPEAKER_05Also to defend myself?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so we'll do two rolls. So you'll roll against each other and we'll see how it goes. So Mark Little roll first. I'm gonna kill you.
SPEAKER_10I'm gonna kill you for just talking like that crap.
SPEAKER_03So I rolled a seven. Okay, now I'll roll. And if you roll below seven, Mark Mark Chavis. I rolled an eight. I rolled an eight. Okay, so you can just get out of it. Easy. He strangles you. He strangles you pretty bad, though. So it's not like you're saying easy. Like he got you pretty bad.
SPEAKER_05Put yourself together, man.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god. The same buttons.
SPEAKER_10Start dating yourself. These are the guys I'm stuck with. Oh my god. Conjure me a gun and put it in my mouth because I'm ready to end this charade. Putter us than no one. Better.
SPEAKER_06I start joking.
SPEAKER_03You can always roll and strangle each other, I suppose. I roll the night. At the end of the beach, you hear
SPEAKER_10Guys, guys screaming. Hold on. I just realized this is my ex-wife's island.
SPEAKER_05I just want to take a minute and say that I take issue with you getting mad at my bad jokes. You have been done nothing but just say things. And then another.
SPEAKER_10Guys, guys, hold on, hold on. Hold on.
SPEAKER_00This is my mother-in-law's island.
SPEAKER_03Wait, wait, wait. Let's wait for another sound. I want to hear the third one.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03It's the same sound and it reverberates. It's really loud. It's like a dinosaur type scream. It goes. It seems to be getting a little closer up the beach.
SPEAKER_10Oh guys, sorry, sorry. I think me hungry. That me stomach growling.
SPEAKER_05We have to find shelter and food and dis and how are we going to procreate? Stop talking like that. We gotta get out of here. There's a monster, clearly.
SPEAKER_10Yes, okay, now you're talking sense. Ooh, we gotta get out of here before that monster comes and gets us.
SPEAKER_09Let's find some shelter there. Let's find some place to hunker down, or maybe some civilization here that we can convert. Let's hide! Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_03What do you do? Yeah, yeah, I'm giving you like a few more seconds to figure something out. Because you're just standing there. Weapons, weapons. Yeah, I pull out my nine iron.
SPEAKER_09I want to look around to see if there's like a cave or like a good or weapon or like a place to hide.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so I'll roll for something. You all you all have good ideas. Let's roll and see if I'm gonna have a couple. Okay, I rolled a three.
SPEAKER_09I rolled a three to look around and see if there's a place to hide.
SPEAKER_03You find like another dead body and like a divot where like some wood made. So you don't find very much.
SPEAKER_09Cut open this dead body and climb inside.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_05Anyone else have a roll? I'm gonna cast uh uh magic missile into the direction of So you're gonna so magic missile is an actual DD.
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_05I open up the wizard, the war wizard spells here.
SPEAKER_03So you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna throw magic missile towards where the the sound is coming from. Okay, so magic missile, the thing about magic missile is it does hit. So you let's roll, let's see what happens. Okay. What did you roll? Two. Okay, so the magic missile goes up and hits you in the leg. It goes up and hits me? Yeah, because it goes. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_02Oh, what the god?
SPEAKER_05You're useless. Oh stop casting spells! I'm at a loss of four words.
SPEAKER_06I do them now getting rid of that. It's making me question my face. What kind of god would let this exist?
SPEAKER_03Would you help me? The only thing that's funny about this is like you don't know this guy that well. He's just making these golf punts. Like, yes, you've been introduced what his name is, but like imagine meeting someone and they just do golf punts in like a harrowing situation. Yeah, we got two jokers on the same initiative. Now, Mark Chavez, usually no matter what, magic missile hits, but because we haven't revealed the creature yet, I just sort of like because it was such a poor role, I decided to hit you. So you have one of your legs is bleeding profusely, and you're kind of like you're in it's bad news.
SPEAKER_09Maybe I can help you because I'm a I'm a cleric, right? Let me see. I gotta see what spells I have here.
SPEAKER_03Sure.
SPEAKER_09Healing word.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_10Healing word?
SPEAKER_09Yes, I'm gonna use healing word on Mark.
SPEAKER_03So it has to be a golf word?
SPEAKER_09Oh, wait, no, I have to have to save it for when my alleys drop to zero. That's sorry, that's uh it doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_03We're we're doing D and D adjacent. We're not getting too too into the rules here. So you want to do healing word to try to heal his to heal his wounds?
SPEAKER_09Cure wounds, that's what I'm doing. All right.
SPEAKER_03But I also want you to do a golf word and see if it works.
SPEAKER_09Okay. Okay, I'm gonna try and heal my word.
SPEAKER_03You have to use a golf word, probably.
SPEAKER_09Oh shit. Okay. Um let's try and shift the title list of your fortunes. Nice. What the hell? I'm trying to try and put your body back in order. Okay, that's better.
SPEAKER_03Titleist is a brand of golf ball. So, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna go. So you're Mark Chavez, golf? Mm-hmm. You lost a foot.
SPEAKER_09Oh shit, but I rolled an 18.
SPEAKER_03I know, but you stopped the bleeding, but he lost a foot. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_06I stopped.
SPEAKER_09So it's supposed to be so I stopped the bleeding.
SPEAKER_06I'm like, magic, and it's like it's just like perfectly cut off.
SPEAKER_08Oh shit. Oh no.
SPEAKER_05Oh, it's gonna leave a mark. That's not a pun. It's a divot. No, but it's pretty funny.
SPEAKER_09Uh I'm sorry, but I think you might be a little teed off at what happened here. Uh yeah.
SPEAKER_05But I'm one step behind you. Oh, now it's a foot button. Oh, now it's a foot button.
SPEAKER_10Just makes puns. Alright, here's what here's what I want to do. I gotta find a weapon on one of these dead bodies.
SPEAKER_03Okay, great. Yeah, give me a roll. Give me a roll for that. Okay. Because there's lots of dead bodies. So, like the a high roll will be something cool, and a low roll will be something kind of like not that great.
SPEAKER_10Okay, I've I rolled an eight.
SPEAKER_03An eight? Okay, that's kind of like middle of the road. You find a letter opener, which is like a knife, but for letters.
SPEAKER_10Uh okay. So I'm still pretty good.
SPEAKER_03You could still, you know, do something with it.
SPEAKER_10Alright, I got this little thing. Um, so uh uh this should help me uh commit a little crime. Yeah, uh opening someone's mail.
SPEAKER_02You're all lost for what's send your things. What am I never mind, never mind, never mind. Forget that one. Forget that one.
SPEAKER_03Okay, uh get behind me. I'll take this thing. And then emerging from under the sand, like shaking the sand and water off it, is a giant crab. Oh no. I'm talking the size of like a three-story walk-up. Like, let's make bisque out of this guy. Yeah, lobster bisque. I guess you get a crab biscuit.
SPEAKER_10Hey guys, guys, guys, uh did someone I I think we shouldn't have gone home with that gal last night, because we got crabs.
SPEAKER_09I gotta say, uh, I really hope the long-devouring snake doesn't send us to shell uh if we die today.
SPEAKER_05I've heard of a shell game, but this is ridiculous.
SPEAKER_10Oh my god, that's awesome. How about this? How about this? Guys, I was right the first time. It's my wife. X. This guy, uh, this this crab right here, uh, uh this thing's really breaking the claw.
SPEAKER_09Oh, nice. Nice.
SPEAKER_03So the the crab in this fight, we can't give this guy a pinch. It's looking around, and like you guys have said so many things, so the crab like turns his little crab eyes right on you because like so he sees you and he starts scuttling towards you, he's like 50 feet away.
SPEAKER_10He's like and I say, I say, I say, oh no, we got his attention. I hate that. Oh, I hate attention.
SPEAKER_09You start doing it, getting ready for your routine. Okay, okay, okay.
SPEAKER_10I got this. I can calm him down. I got some great jokes that can calm him down. I got a song that can calm him down.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, using the bard, actually, that's good.
SPEAKER_10Okay.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so let's give me a roll and see how it goes. Okay. And we'll then we'll hear it.
SPEAKER_10Okay, I rolled a four.
SPEAKER_03Oh no. So it's gonna like you're gonna actually infuriate him. So give me three jokes that would infuriate him. You want jokes or a song? Uh jokes or a song. Or either one. You you're trying you're trying to entertain him and you end up infuriating him, so use that information.
SPEAKER_10Um a large, lovely Krabby built in a laby. We don't know that. To intimidate me and my friends. Friends. But uh, but um, but but uh uh but um but but but but but but but but it's the early version of rapper. It advances farther. It advances farther the sound. Oh my god, I should have finished 404 at that improv theater.
SPEAKER_05Did you say four? And I cast something, I attack him with uh I shoot another thing, even though I lost my foot last time.
SPEAKER_03You shoot another magic missile that you're doing? So just give me a roll. Okay. Just to see how because we're doing rolls. I know we're not doing traditional DD here, but like what happens? Ten. So it it like it gets it gets him in one leg and it kind of goes and it kind of like the other two kind of like skew off his shell a little bit. So he's he's limping as he comes up to you. You slowed him down a bit. Uh looks like I gave him a handicap.
SPEAKER_10Wow. Now that's a kind of joke I like.
SPEAKER_09It's a golf joke. Okay. Uh I want to shoot um I looked up, I can shoot Sacred Flame.
SPEAKER_03What's that?
SPEAKER_09I shoot a just a fire uh at the guy, and he has to do a dexterity saving throw.
SPEAKER_03Oh wow, I'll make a roll. Okay, great. Okay. You want me to make a roll? This is great. This is very DD. Okay, great. Okay, okay. So so you're I rolled a 16. What did you roll? Let's so you roll a roll against each other.
SPEAKER_09Why do I do that? Just roll a roll against each other. I also rolled a 16. Okay, so he's on fire.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, he's on fire. The crab's on fire! I'm just gonna make that decision because it was uh tie goes to the runner, the crab's on fire, goes Oh my god.
SPEAKER_10Wait, wait, wait. Oh no, it's a baby.
SPEAKER_09It's wearing a diaper, the baby version of this.
SPEAKER_01It is a baby. It's afraid, it's afraid. What? It's a baby.
SPEAKER_05Oh, it's terrible.
SPEAKER_01Oh no, we're gonna be able to do it. Go into the water, crab, go into the water. It's too baby-ish to know to go in the water.
SPEAKER_06Go in the water, go in the water, you idiot!
SPEAKER_09I run down to the water and I'm like trying to splash it onto the crab.
SPEAKER_05You know, it's like no, it doesn't work. Can I shoot uh there's like a freezing ray to chill touch? Okay. So roll, roll. Okay. Shooting chill touch or touching him or something. I roll a 10 again. Boy.
SPEAKER_03Okay, it reacts badly and it makes him burn harder. Oh, I didn't like it. Now that's on you.
SPEAKER_05It's your fuck, I'm gonna fucking puke. That's like when you hit a golf ball and it goes behind you. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_03And like, I know this is this is kind of dark material, but like the baby crab, this giant baby crab, does perish in front of you.
SPEAKER_10Oh, fuck me.
SPEAKER_03Oh, fuck me. That is really unfair way.
SPEAKER_09Well, I'm gonna give it its last rites. Oh, Jesus. In a nominee, in a nominee snake, in a nominea long a crotchy, in a nominee, uh go to beddy, uh gonna nomine patre. It smells good.
SPEAKER_05If I wasn't so full of bisque, I would eat this cook. It does smell great. It smells really good.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, I guess without you guys knowing, I'm pretending to bow over it, but I'm kinda like digging a little under the shell and having a little bite, and I'm like, Yeah, because you didn't get enough to eat on the boat. So I'm just grabbing a little bit of bite.
SPEAKER_10It's very good, actually. Alright, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Let's let's let's make a deal here. We're obviously gonna eat this baby crab.
SPEAKER_09I've started already, I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_10But I let's do it respectfully, okay? Because I really this is really fucking me up.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so let's roll to see if you do it respectfully.
SPEAKER_09Oh shit, I rolled a four.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so Kevin does not.
SPEAKER_09I can take all my clothes off.
SPEAKER_03So, uh, Mark Little, did you roll for I rolled an eleven. You you're middle of the road. Middle of the road. You're like you're using a spoon, but that's it.
SPEAKER_10Oh, look at this. Look at this. It's got a bottle attached to its one of its claws.
SPEAKER_09And it's got a little note taped to it that says if uh if lost, please return to cave on the other side of island.
SPEAKER_03Oh no. I should have seen that. Okay, but the note that's actually the note's important. Oh yeah. Okay, you might want to keep that. Oh. Keep that.
SPEAKER_10Oh god, it's covered in gusting. Oh, whoops. Oh no, look at this. It's a it's its first school report. Oh how'd it do? What does it say? It did really well, and the teacher said it showed a lot of promise.
SPEAKER_09Ah, damn it. Oh my goodness. We kill it, and why did uh why did the other guy make it worse?
SPEAKER_10Oh, look at this. What? It's an invitation to a birthday party. Oh, whose birthday? His birthday. He was about to hand them out. It's a bunch of He was bringing us an invitation.
SPEAKER_03Oh no. That's all he was trying to do. He was trying to invite you to his birthday party?
SPEAKER_10He was just bringing he had a report in one hand, in one claw, and a school report, Mark Chavez, and and he was bringing us an invitation to his birthday party, this baby crab. Oh no.
SPEAKER_09And he also had these tapes, these speech therapy tapes, trying to fix how he spoke so that he'd speak better for us.
SPEAKER_10Oh no, that's why he screamed like that because he had a speech impediment. Yeah, and he's trying to fix it.
SPEAKER_03Holy shit.
SPEAKER_09Oh my god. Oh, there's also a note here saying if we wanted, he would have boiled one of his arms for us if we wanted it that bad. Oh, you saw that he would have given it to me. It's so cute because it's like backwards E and stuff.
SPEAKER_10Oh no, look in this claw. It's a bunch of crayons.
SPEAKER_03So just as you're investigating this crab and eating him a little bit. Oh no. Remember the screams I was doing earlier? Yeah. You hear a scream twenty times as loud. Oh no. That's a big baby.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And then I look up. And we're going to have to leave that there. That's the cutoff, okay? Because, like, yes, you thought the baby crab was big.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I guess there could be another bigger baby crab.
SPEAKER_05This is what I'm talking about. See, this is DD. Now I feel like we're really doing D.
SPEAKER_10Or DD is just fighting bigger and bigger crabs.
SPEAKER_05Yeah, the crabs just get bigger and bigger, more golf puns, more expensive.
SPEAKER_03I think you guys are going to have to learn. You guys might have to go find a hiding place or get into the jungle because the beach is not safe.
SPEAKER_05So who's laughing now? That's the first thing I said. We have to find shelter and we have to find food. That's true. No one's laughing. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Because I was right. I should we should have to go to the colour.
SPEAKER_04So how do you so before we end, how do you guys feel about the hard reset? Do you want to go back to the pet?
SPEAKER_05No, I want to see this out for a bit.
SPEAKER_01Do you like this desert island situation? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Golf pudding in Jesus Christ.
SPEAKER_09Yeah, I want to get into my character a bit more. I feel like I haven't quite found my footing with my guy, but we'll get there. I'll get there.
SPEAKER_10Yeah, I'm starting to learn that my guy's got a real big heart. It's not what I expected. But my guy really cared about that. I think underneath his crusty exterior, my orc, my orc bard, is actually like kind of a kind of a softy. He's got a heart of gold. He's got a heart of gold.
SPEAKER_09There's something he's left behind. Like he's gone on tour and stuff. Maybe there's something he's left behind back there.
SPEAKER_05What's the where does the anger come from though?
SPEAKER_03You know, he seems like kind of an angry comedian, you know, one of those like and what's great is we're on a like we're on a magical island, you know what I mean? So like we're kind of making our own world up. We don't have to think too hard about like all the different parameters of like dog London and uh the watch and the cops and all this. We're like we're we're we're in the we're in the show lost right now. Oh, true. Which is really fun. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_09So we can get a hatch. We can suck it into an engine. Yeah. Locke. Locke can show up with his orange seal on his teeth.
SPEAKER_05Smoke will get us.
SPEAKER_03Hey, great job. So this has been our first hard reset of Nightmare Party. Uh probably won't be the last. Uh, we're gonna get another one. Yeah. We'll see how long this turns to a lost recap show. Yeah. We've got three fresh, amazing characters playing DD adjacent DD, and we're excited to see what happens. They killed the baby crab. Uh, they didn't know that it was a baby until they saw it afterwards, but until they saw the huge diaper that was in plain view.
SPEAKER_10And all the stuff in its hands.
SPEAKER_03I thought it was part of the crab. I name in like, but in the moment, if you see a giant monster, if you're not gonna maybe register a diaper in the first few seconds, a lot of this happens so quickly.
SPEAKER_09We're disoriented, we've suffered head trauma and stuff, and there was so much, so much puns going on. We were kind of enraged to disorient.
SPEAKER_03Three unlikely friends on the boat are now have to be friends on the boat. We've got to get away.
SPEAKER_05There's only way to survive. We start fighting each other.
SPEAKER_10Game over. We're sunk. Yeah. Yeah. Sunk.
SPEAKER_05And we are and and sunk. Good. Pudding and golf already did have an altercation.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah. He wanted to strangle you to death. Uh, and so um, golf. Can we get out of here with one final like uh setting a sub golf pun? This has been terrific. I can't wait to play tomorrow.
SPEAKER_05Of course, it will be fun.
SPEAKER_10Wow.
SPEAKER_05Not that.
SPEAKER_10And I'm putting the letter opener to mine own throat. And I'm rolling to see how effective my suicide attempt is. And I've rolled a 13. Pretty good, actually. You're gonna get close, but no cigar. Okay, so when the next episode starts, I'm gonna be bleeding. Yeah. Potentially bleeding out. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Potentially bleeding out. That's a good way to start. So we got the the big crab coming to get you, maybe. You're running into the jungle, and um pudding is maybe bleeding out because of the buttons.
SPEAKER_01So we'll see what happens. Join us next week, a nightmare party.