Nightmare Party
Comedian Ryan Beil has finally convinced some of his comedian friends (Mark Little, Kevin Lee, Mark Chavez and other surprise guests along the way) to play DND! It's a fantasy adventure podcast where the Dungeon Master shows up ready to play and the players show up ready to absolutely ruin it. A riff heavy, hilarious experience for people that love DND and hate DND.
Nightmare Party
Nightmare Party - The Crab Wake
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Pudding and Jesus deal with the aftermath of killing the baby crab.
Welcome back to Nightmare Party. A DD adjacent, sort of, kind of a little bit fantasy podcast hosted by me, Ryan Beale, your DM. Or GM. Or DGM. Whatever you want to say. Your dungeon master. And last week on Nightmare Party, we did a hard reset. First of many, probably. We got to a certain point with the last adventure, which we could go back to, involving Doggoes and Dog London and Pet Pet Pet Smart and such. But we did a hard reset where everyone chose new characters. We have a character named Jesus Christ, who's a cleric, an LDS, a long devouring snake guy. We have Pudding, a bard, who's an orc, and also a stand-up comedian. And we have a wizard named Golf, who has a nine-iron for a wand or whatever, and he uses that nine iron for stuff. And they were all on a boat together, traveling on a ferry somewhere. And then something happened, I can't remember exactly what, but some kind of storm and or uh sea monster or something, left them uh uh hurling, whirling about in the in the in the waves, and they washed up on a magical deserted island where a crab, kind of a crab monster, a bigger crab than you or I are used to, but like maybe a crab the size of, I don't know, uh Volkswagen golf or half the size of that. Don't say golf. And they f Exactly, thank you. Volkswagen rabbit. And they fought the crab, they did their best, they killed the crab, they found that the crab was actually a young crab, like a child crab, who had a report card with them that said they did pretty well. They also had some uh the crab had um some birthday party invitations to give out. It was possible the crab just wanted to invite the characters to their birthday party. Uh but they killed the crab, and they were they I I believe they were eating the crab because they were like sp like eating the crab just a little bit. And at the very end of the episode, they heard a larger, bigger, huger crab scream coming from the water, and that's where we ended, and that's where we'll start. Welcome back to Nightmare Party. How's everyone doing?
SPEAKER_03Dooddly doodly deedly, doodly dooddly.
SPEAKER_06Tiddly tiddly, even okay. So uh uh one thing that that's different about this week is giggity giggity.
SPEAKER_04Giggity giggity. Wow is he's got a baby voice now. Wow is Wow Wes.
SPEAKER_03Remember the time. Remember the time uh uh Gay Coleman and and uh Jason Momoa and I. Uh look, okay, okay, okay.
SPEAKER_06So one thing that's different for our listeners and our viewers, I don't know how we're putting this out to the world, but Mark Chavez playing golf, the character of golf, older wizard, is not here. He's on a vacation with his family to Costa Rica. Boo, yeah, exactly. Don't make memories for your kid. Not enough. You know?
SPEAKER_03I didn't have any memories.
SPEAKER_06You have none, eh?
SPEAKER_04And you still don't. Now you've got memento style tattoos all over your body.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, say, don't you have memories? What are you, an idiot? Come on, have memories, you idiot. Don't you remember anything? Fuck you. You're so dumb. Don't remember anything?
SPEAKER_04You got all these in one go recently.
SPEAKER_03Just find Joey Pantaloni and kill whoever he tells you to, okay? Oh. Yeah, exactly. He got these all in one go, eh? The same artist overall.
SPEAKER_06You might as well get some in one go. So, uh, but but what I thought we'd do for this episode is is is Mark Chavez, his character, will will run off into the ocean, okay? He's gonna be gone for a couple couple records, and then when he comes back, we can see like sort of a little little, I don't know if you call that a a bottle episode. Its own little episode about what he did while we were all doing this other adventuring. Sound fun?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it sounds really fun, Ryan.
SPEAKER_06Hey, someone want to do a um uh a Mark Chavez impression, uh running into the ocean.
SPEAKER_03I gotta run to the ocean. Yeah, it was mostly ocean sounds. That was really.
SPEAKER_02I'm Peter.
SPEAKER_00Uh Peter, I'm Peter.
SPEAKER_06He's gonna come back and find out he has to do a Peter Griffin impression. That's canon now. That's how DD works. Once something's established, it's established. Canon. You can't go back on it. Okay, so so golf because you heard this giant crab scream bigger than you've ever heard before, bigger than the other crab you just killed, scream in the water, and so um golf runs away, and then you look out to the water and like like a giant sort of, you know, like submersible coming up, like slowly, but with so much brrrrrrrr you know, water cr creening off of it, like the the ground is shaking, you know, and this giant crab. I'm talking like a three-story walk-up apartment building size crab, okay, uh, with claws the size of Volkswagen rabbits, emerges from the water and looking with little beady eyes right at you, going what do you do?
SPEAKER_04So are we talking like brownstone walk-up?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, we talk about it Yeah, it's pretty nice.
SPEAKER_04Pretty nice. How much how much is this thing going for r uh rent? Like, how much is each unit?
SPEAKER_06So I so I was just using that for a size uh sort of thing, but like um I guess to give you sort of a visual representation of like the scars and the uh sort of the barnacles and so the wear and tear on this crab. It's like per unit we're talking like fifteen hundred Canadian dollars perhaps cheap. That's cheap for a one-bedroom.
SPEAKER_03So this crab is a shithole. All right.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Great.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so this crab, and it look its beauty little eyes right at you, and it starts going, yeah.
SPEAKER_04It sees us eating its baby.
SPEAKER_06Mm-hmm. Correct. Even if you weren't eating it, you're right beside the baby. You know what I mean? The baby's the baby is dead.
SPEAKER_04So I I go like this. I go, I go, oh crab, golf, where are you going, brother? And golf goes, pay that, I'm paying that.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so he's gone. He's gone. He's dived deep into the water. I hate cowards.
SPEAKER_03Well, that makes three of us. Because I imagine the crab is on board too. I guess that's my voice now. I like that.
SPEAKER_06You're kind of like a charlatan, sort of. What were you doing? Do you remember what you were doing last week? I don't actually remember. No, I want this voice. Whatever it was last week. Yeah, I like this sort of uh the what do you call it, like needling your mustache? Is that what you say? Twirling? Yeah, twirling. Twirling, not needling.
SPEAKER_03I was doing a cigar. Um calm down. A child, it offered its meat to us.
SPEAKER_06So you're trying to talk to the crab? I guess so. Jesus Christ? Let's do a roll. Let's do a roll. Let's do a roll to see like if the crab even listens to you. Let's do it again, uh like uh just a one d20. We only do one d20 rolls here, and it's like a sliding scale of uh successful to less successful.
SPEAKER_02I rolled a 14. A fourteen, okay, okay, that's not bad.
SPEAKER_06It's not bad. The crab the so you so you have like I'm gonna give you an opportunity to really sell your position because the crab is kind of like taking notice. Yeah. Okay, and and she it's a she. So it's the mama. It's the mama. Kevin.
SPEAKER_04I wanna say this. I'm gonna say this to Kevin's, I'm gonna say this to Jesus Chris. I'm gonna go, habba, ha. I go, I she can eat me any day.
SPEAKER_03I go, uh pudding, keep it in your pants. I know you're a real MILF hunter.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One thing you gotta know about me, I'm a MILF hunter.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so that was your speech. The crab is now coming to you. No, that was your speech. Shit! You have the opportunity. I guess I rolled 14.
SPEAKER_03The rolling 14 was like rolling so high made Mark's character a MILF hunter. He had to accept that. The 14 allowed the crab to listen. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_06And then what a crab listened to was that back and forth.
SPEAKER_03So maybe the 14 did did it make the crab like actually like take notice of uh pudding and be like, hmm, like maybe I am into that.
SPEAKER_06So you're you're positing that maybe this crab is a MILF?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Well, like it maybe into being hunted. MIF, yeah, MILF implies that I'm into it. A MILF doesn't imply that she's into it.
SPEAKER_03What's what's the MILF version of like giving them the MILF the power of wanting to be? Oh my god.
SPEAKER_06That's a really good point.
SPEAKER_03So interesting. This is all just from the male the MILF gaze. The MIF MIFR gaze. The MIFR.
SPEAKER_06So the crab's coming towards you. Okay.
SPEAKER_03Okay. Understood. Academic podcast.
SPEAKER_06Ryan, tell us how you really feel. Holy hell. And the crab is coming like uh the the the pincers are going, you know what I mean? It's aggressive.
SPEAKER_04I noticed this. I say, you know, when you started talking to that thing, it it paused. It was listening to you. It it had it per it maybe has the capacity for language. We can reason with this thing. And if if there's one thing I'm good at, it's language. Uh pass me that microphone. Or I I mean stick. I'm gonna eat I gotta hold something when I uh it's like muscle memory.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I I I I conjure up like a like a uh there's like a stick, and I grab like a cone like a shell, like a conch or something like that, and I jam it on the end, it kind of looks like a microphone, and then I pass it over to pudding.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, and then I go I go like this. Whoa, someone went all out. Spared no expense.
SPEAKER_03I go, I've got you, my friend. Uh is this thing on? I go, whoo! And I mimic feedback. Wow.
SPEAKER_04And I go, Alright, alright, alright, your part's over here. Oh, okay, okay. Uh hey, uh how's everyone doing tonight? How's everyone doing? Uh anyone from out of town?
SPEAKER_06Okay, so we've established the crab the thanks to Kevin's role, the crab is sort of like a rest when someone starts talking. Guess this crab wants to listen. The crab stops and the crab does not put their claw up because they're not from out of town.
SPEAKER_04Oh. Uh, okay, whoa, tough crowd. Um, I uh uh you know, uh speaking of this crowd, uh I uh uh my ex-wife. Is my ex-wife in this crowd? Because she was always uh crabby. She was a crabby individual.
SPEAKER_06Krab looks like the crab wants to laugh, but crab is kind of holding a laugh in.
SPEAKER_04Oh, we got a lot of ex-wife fans in the crowd. Is that what it is? Is that what it is? So I'm half orc and and half Irish. And uh and what that means is uh uh uh what that means is um um um uh when I get drunk on orcs uh uh on on the blood of mine enemies I I get really drunk.
SPEAKER_06Okay Crab? She laughs a bit. She starts to laugh a little bit. How does it sound crab laughing? It probably sounds similar to her scream. Yeah, it doesn't sound good, but like you can sort of tell there's like uh maybe a crooked smile and uh whatever this this card is. Yeah, yeah. So I'm gonna go, hey, okay, I'll keep her distracted.
SPEAKER_04You uh cover up the baby evidence so she doesn't see it.
SPEAKER_03I go, wait, you got it, you've got it. So I'm going over and I'm just sort of like doing the thing where I'm like sort of backing up slowly and then kind of just kicking sand, like kind of with my backsteps, just pretending I'm kind of like shuffling on the spot, but I'm actually.
SPEAKER_06Now this is a pretty big crab you killed, right? So like it's gonna take a lot of kicking.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. Um let me see. Do I have like I don't none of my cleric spells really help.
SPEAKER_06So yeah, I'm not really you can just make one up and I'll I'll let you know if it's cool. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03So I'm gonna do that.
SPEAKER_06And we'll do a roll for it, you know, and it could go bad or worse. You know, we're doing D D adjacent here. Sure.
SPEAKER_03Sure. So I'm gonna just make one up. I'm gonna do some sort of like um maybe I can do some sort of like because cleric funerals and that sort of sort of thing. It's sort of like a like a quick burial kind of uh thing. Sort of turn into quick burial spell turns anything into like a little mini coffin, so it's sort of like the sand can kind of turn into like a really kind of cheap coffin kind of thing. That's nice. Just something, you know. So I'm gonna I'm gonna try and cast the spell.
SPEAKER_06Quick burial, no wake spell or quick burial with wake spell. Oh no.
SPEAKER_03Well yeah, well that's the difference. So if I if I go if I let's say if I roll low, it's with wake, which means we have to do like we have to do talking and then that'll be quite evident that you killed the the crab. It draws attention, yeah. But we have to do a wake.
SPEAKER_06Okay, I love that. So you roll high, no wake, you roll low, like a wake sp like just i uh materializes. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Like mark marks like marks like comedy uh skits and routines and skits and bits and chunks.
SPEAKER_06And it's like it's like a the wire version of like a cop wake. You know what I mean? There's like bagpipes. So that's the crab's body's on the bar and we're all whatever having whiskey shots.
SPEAKER_04You better have a spell that's gonna hide that thing, or I'm gonna go fucking bananas. I can only hold this lady off for so long. She keeps it.
SPEAKER_03Shut up, yard jokes, milk hunter. What?
SPEAKER_04She she she wants material. She's getting sick of my crowd work. Don't you have any material? Are you just one of these crowd work guys? I have material, but you know, it's if she doesn't like it, then you know, I'm shy about it. Here's the issue is that I got new material I want to do, and then I've got old material I'm bored of.
SPEAKER_03Right. And you don't want to keep bringing that same material, your old material that was all based on MILF hunting. You want to get away from that. You don't know me, cleric.
SPEAKER_04Don't fucking tell me you do? Yeah, I'm a big fan. On Orkstagram.
SPEAKER_06That's canon. That's canon. I do.
SPEAKER_03I have a I have a I have a Finsta I have a Foinksta on uh on Orkstogram. Oh yeah, I'm gonna pretend to be an orc in on there. Look at it. Yeah. Oh zig. Okay, I've got a roll. Okay.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so it's so it's yeah, it's it's uh ten and above, you know what I mean? Like, or eleven and above, ten and below.
SPEAKER_03Okay, here we go.
SPEAKER_06Oh, rolled to three. Okay, so uh suddenly, out of the sand, bagpipers emerged. A bunch of plainclothes cops, a bunch of cops in uniform, you know what I mean? Bunk. Bunk is there. Fucking who else?
SPEAKER_04That's his name. Who's that's that uh Avon Barksdale's there, Avon Barksdale? Did you say Lois?
SPEAKER_03From Family Guy? Avon. American Dad is there, yeah, anyway.
SPEAKER_06So the crab's body goes onto a bar made out of sand. The crowd has emerged, it's a and the crab who is listening to um pudding goes, huh? Oh, you freaking idiot!
SPEAKER_04You made it way more obvious! You elevated the body onto a platform, you fucking idiot. Who are all these sand cops?
SPEAKER_07If you adjust the material, like, I knew this, I knew this baby crab from when we were in the academy.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god, they're eulogizing this fucking baby crab.
SPEAKER_06And so the the big crab starts to now the big crab is now advancing uh pretty fast towards your location. When B, we gotta get the frugal out of here.
SPEAKER_03Let's go! And so I uh I uh kick over the crab off the bar, I kick the crab off the bar to create chaos.
SPEAKER_04And the cops go like this.
SPEAKER_03The cops go, hey, whoa! They start coming, and they start dancing around and going crazy and drinking their whiskey. And so it creates a big ruckus on the beach.
SPEAKER_00Another Jameson, another Jameson! Jameson, Jameson, 21018.
SPEAKER_06McNulty is there. Smelling of the Stan McNulty is sort of a character that's chasing you through Stan McNulty.
SPEAKER_04But I want to I want you to hear what Kevin described him as. Yes, please. Drunk and smelling of pussy.
SPEAKER_00Have you watched the show? He's showing up at that bar, he just cheated on his wife.
SPEAKER_04Made of sand, but those things are true about him.
SPEAKER_03And I also want to hear Ryan's McNulty impression, which has to be uh that actor doing his best American voice, but it's a beat cop than I am playing clues.
SPEAKER_06Like he's got like little anyways. We'll get dumb. We can work on that later. We'll don't worry about it. Okay, okay, okay. So so you guys are running for the jungle now? Yeah. Which is a song? Duncan.
SPEAKER_05Run it through the jungle. Run it from a crab.
SPEAKER_06Anyways, so so the you've got time because the mother crab stops at the the sandbar, makes her way through the sand cops, uh, does a shot or two, and like holds her baby in her arms and then turns her beady eyes to you running away. Okay? Mm-hmm. So you've got some time. You're running straight for the jungle? Is that your plan? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. Setting in there just bushwhacking, going crazy. Yeah. Into the jungle.
SPEAKER_06I mean, I feel I feel like I feel like there should be a roll between now and the like the beach in the jungle to see if either of you trip or my god. Pretty easy roll, because you're just running on the beach.
SPEAKER_04Let's roll to see if we can run straight. Alright, I'm rolling. What do I need to roll? Because I rolled a one. So you fell down. You fell down. Holy crap. Oh my god, I swept. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, on my slapstick training. I'm going into muscle memory. I gotta get a laugh.
SPEAKER_03So what happens? What happens?
SPEAKER_04I want to know what I gotta get a laugh from this crab lady. I know I'm not gonna get one because she's mourning her dead baby that she just discovered, but I gotta get a laugh.
SPEAKER_06Well, I guess like um describe the fall.
SPEAKER_04Okay. Describe the fall. Okay, so I'm I've got slapstick training. So a bunch of banana peels have fallen out of my pockets onto the beach. Uh, and they've some for some reason they've gone ahead of me. Uh, they've like kind of like Mario Kart. I don't know why. Yeah, but then and I'm slipping on my own banana peels. I'm going, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, bonk. And then I'm going, give me back up. Whoop, whoop, whip, whoo, bonk.
SPEAKER_06So that's it. So it's just like all these, like you're constantly slipping and falling, constantly slipping and falling because of the the amount of banana peels you have in your head. Yeah. She she likes it. Oh. Okay. She laughs at that. But she shakes it off. Oh, damn it. It needed one more element.
SPEAKER_03Okay, hold on. So now I gotta ro I gotta roll for my running.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_03Oh shit, I rolled an eight.
SPEAKER_06You're fine. So it was a three and below I was looking for. Three and below you'd fall, everything else you'd be fine. So you you, Jesus Christ, could make it to the jungle, but you notice your recent friend who you I guess you say you know, you know their stand-up.
SPEAKER_03I know a stand-up, yeah, through uh Orchestra.
SPEAKER_06So you have to make a decision right now. Classic movie style decision. Do you keep going or do you go back and maybe put your life in danger to help this new friend?
SPEAKER_03What would the long devouring snake do? And I think about I pray, I pray to the long devouring snake. Hurry up! I get I fall, I fall onto slipping! I fall onto my belly and I wriggle around because that's how we pray to the long devouring snake.
SPEAKER_06That's how the snake goes.
SPEAKER_04That's how the snake does. Okay, and then by this point I'm back on my feet and I'm just running anyway. Okay, yeah, so you're both running now.
SPEAKER_06You're both running. You're both running and you're both like a little bit of a little bit of a little bit more. I saved you closer. So it's as if it's as if Kevin, you rolled a three or below.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah. But I but I but I believe that my prayer actually helped him get up and get moving.
SPEAKER_06Okay, let's let's hold on to that. So that you believe that, like religiously, spiritually, you believe you helped.
SPEAKER_04Oh, but here's my take because I'm a stand-up comedian, I don't believe in any sacred cows. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03There's a seven words you can't say on uh on Orkstogram. Why can why can't you why why can you carriage on a carriageway but you can't park on the park way?
SPEAKER_06We will get to orkstogram, we will get to some stand-ups on orkstogram uh i i in the jungle. Okay. So but you're like so now like we're talking, like just to set the scene here, you guys are running for the the thick vines of the jungle. And I would I would say I'm gonna use yards. I don't really I think a yard is kind of like I've seen a yardstick in my life. Yeah, you know? Okay I watch a little bit of football. I feel like fifty yards behind you is the big crab, which is pretty close. That's close. For something that's like the size of an apartment building, right? That's gotta be pretty close. Yeah. Are we within the city?
SPEAKER_01Claws reach not that big.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god, it's snapping those trees in half with its claws in a single swipe like it's cr uh snapping um like uh uncooked spaghetti.
SPEAKER_03Oh gosh, and it's trampling the underbrush like it's trampling so much uncooked fusili.
SPEAKER_06So okay, so yeah, do you want to do a couple more pasta things?
SPEAKER_04There's boiling water coming from its angry mouth like it's uh Well, boiling water for any pasta.
SPEAKER_03And it's salted too from the ocean. Like you want when you're cooking pasta.
SPEAKER_06Nice salted, salted water, but you want to save a little bit for the So we imply that you well, this is implying that you guys are in the jungle now. Yeah. So and this crab, what you're saying to me is like this crab is like clearing things, like it's like. So how are you gonna what are you gonna do? How are you gonna uh are you gonna hide? Are you gonna keep running indefinitely? You know what I mean? Like do you have an idea?
SPEAKER_04Like so we gotta fight this big bitch. Or not, I don't know. What do you think, uh, wizard?
SPEAKER_06You're running, by the way. Oh yeah, we're running.
SPEAKER_04All right, we gotta move faster. We need you gotta do a spell to make us go faster, you freaking idiot. How about that?
SPEAKER_06Make it wire themed again. A wire themed spell.
SPEAKER_03Okay, okay, okay. Um I gotta um oh god, I gotta uh what would it be? Um Ziggy taking his dick out at the bar.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god, just give us like a zooming give us foot speed or a vehicle.
SPEAKER_03What about uh um mobilize? Yes, yes. Uh we'll turn into uh one of the cars that the uh that um uh that they drive around in in the wire. Perfect. Nice.
SPEAKER_06Um they have plenty of cars in that shape. So you're so again, so you're you're saying we're gonna bring another car into this. Yeah, yeah. Remember from the Pet Smart Chronicles that there was a Ford Bronco. Yep. And I let that happen. So you're gonna you're gonna turn yourself into a car, uh like yourselves. Is it gonna be like the the Disney show cars?
SPEAKER_03No, well, no, what I was gonna do. You will be a car? I mean, that's better than what I was gonna do.
SPEAKER_06What were you gonna do?
SPEAKER_03Just get like some of this thrashed up material that the crab is grabbing. It's like getting those things and like forming into like a car that we can drive. But I sort of think I think here's what about both worlds? What if it's I transform Mark and I into like the flesh of a car, but because if we're just flesh, we're driving, we'll get all ripped up, so then I also smack on some like wood and some siding and stuff to give us some protection.
SPEAKER_06So we're like So you will be conjoined into one car for this spell?
SPEAKER_03Yes. We're mushed into one into one. Can we just describe what that would look like?
SPEAKER_04Well, I gotta ask, what's the flesh of a car?
SPEAKER_03The flesh of the car is the inside, like the fruit, like an orange. So I'm imagining like an orange. Okay. So it's sort of like or like a little bit of a little bit of a little bit. So were the seats in the steering wheel somehow? The seats and steering wheel, but we're also the engine where all the things, and then the the just the hard shell on the outside is just a protective shell of like of wood and and stuff.
SPEAKER_06Create a shell, like out, we're like why don't you both why don't you both pick a part of the flesh or fruit of the car to be? Okay. So we'll know for this duration of the spell. Like a seat, a steering wheel, a gear shift, you know what I mean? The top of the bottom. Pick one right now.
SPEAKER_03Okay. I'll be a seat. Okay, I'll be a gas tank.
SPEAKER_06So you say you're the gas tank and you're you're the uh what what kind of seat do you want to be? I don't know.
SPEAKER_03You okay? You okay, buddy?
SPEAKER_06We'll do passenger. Front front passenger. Yeah, I love it. Front passenger, and you'll be the gas tank there, Jesus Christ. Sure. Okay, but we don't know if the spell's gonna work.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Yeah, it probably won't.
SPEAKER_06So again, it's a straight up 11 and above, 10 and below.
SPEAKER_03Or all an eight.
SPEAKER_06Okay, doesn't work yet. No, all of us doesn't work. So we almost heard the morph, and then we're like I would have loved you guys to be a conjoined car. That would have been bad. It would have been right. You guys wanna just do it? I don't know. I want you guys to be happy. No, no, no, it's okay.
SPEAKER_04It's okay. Listen, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta stop running. I got I gotta I got I wanna I gotta talk to this lady.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, there's something going on between the two of you.
SPEAKER_04There's some connection.
SPEAKER_06Like a final, a final sort of talk to.
SPEAKER_04This lady is exactly my type. She's exactly my type.
SPEAKER_03And if you wanna propose, I'm I'm here to officiate any type of union.
SPEAKER_06That's nice.
SPEAKER_03If you want. Why are theme for the right?
SPEAKER_06You're gonna turn and like make a sort of a final stand there? Yeah. I'm gonna try and woo her. Okay. Great. So you turn and say, like, hey, hey, hey! Hey, lady. Crab stops.
SPEAKER_04Listen to me straight up. Straight up. Straight up. Did we kill your baby? Yeah. It was a misunderstanding. And if there's one thing I know about crabs, and you guys make a lot of babies. You've probably got a billion of them back home with you. It's just one baby. I'm here to say to you, I'm a single guy. Can we make this happen?
SPEAKER_06She nods kind of like sheepishly. She does nod.
SPEAKER_04Can we make this happen? I'd like to take you somewhere on this island that you've never been. Now obviously you probably know this island a bit better than I do. I just got here. But uh I got a wizard friend here, and he could uh maybe do us a little spell, whip us up a little meal, nice restaurant setting, some candlelight, some wine.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I do uh can I do a magic spell to try for that? Of course. Yes, of course.
SPEAKER_06Uh always. You can yeah, Kevin, I'm gonna let you make up any spell you want. You'll have to roll for it, but like just make up a spell and I rolled a 10. Okay, let's say it's successful.
SPEAKER_03Okay, so it actually just conjures up the bar from from the funeral, but it's not a funeral happening. It's just the bar, but it's like on a regular like Tuesday later.
SPEAKER_06She's a little wary. She's seen this bar before.
SPEAKER_04Holy shit, dude. You're reminding her exactly of her dead kid just right now. No, no, no. Conjure up anything else.
SPEAKER_03I go, I gotta roll again. I rolled a 14. So I roll I rolled it up, and it's the same bar, but it's decorated for Valentine's Day. So that kind of works.
SPEAKER_06It kind of works. That kind of works. Like, with the wine bottles, the Kianti bottles with like the whisker around it and like apartment building size crab goes and sits at a table for two.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. And I turned into like a waiter. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06It's a sand waiter. You can play the sand waiter, Kevin.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Hello. Uh oh, oh, so I'm made out of sand. Okay. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, always.
SPEAKER_03Uh hey! What a look at this beautiful couple we got here tonight. Happy Valentine's Day. Uh Happy Valentine's Day to you. Oh, here Cupid's arrow. Hopefully struck you nice and want to have some food tonight. Uh we got a nice special on the Pisketti and Fusili. Mostly just pasta tonight. Still got our fish and chips at our kids' menu as well. Can I get you a drink?
SPEAKER_04Okay, then I want to call out to Jesus Christ. Or I want to run over to him and I want to go, dude, your sand waiter's fucking weird as hell. You gotta make what's going on in this bar, man. You gotta get control. Are you the manager here or what?
SPEAKER_03I I I I suppose, yes. Uh I'll come over and I come over. I'm like, I'm sorry, uh, is everything okay? Sand waiter's like, everything's going fine. I think these people like me. We're getting along well. Uh uh like a sand dollar like falls out of his mouth and like, you know, uh like a water squirts out of the top of his head.
SPEAKER_04And then can I can I play the sand chef? Yes. Sure, of course. So he comes out and he goes, We're we're out of we're out of everything. We're out of everything. We got no ingredients here. What are we doing? I uh you're asking me to make a meal for this lovely couple. You know, look how much she's gonna eat. I got no ingredients.
SPEAKER_06And then Kevin, you're a sand reviewer. A sand food reviewer who comes in.
SPEAKER_03This food is so standard. I didn't even eat anything. All I had to do eat was the top of my table, which was not good.
SPEAKER_04Okay, and then I wanna I want to run up to Jesus Christ as pudding again, and I go, holy hell, man, stop making things. We don't need a reviewer, we don't need to see the chef. Just bring us some wine and let us have a nice time.
SPEAKER_03Sorry, sorry, I'm getting deeper and deeper. I've always wanted to own a restaurant anyway. Okay, hold on. And he like clenches, and then all the sand people like goof and they disappear, and then the table kind of goes blurrp, and then like wine just forms on the table, like out of the sand, and like kind of turns into stuff. Man, that's what I'm talking about. And then suddenly there's like a bunch of like coconuts in the distance starts like clopping together, but they start making the song that's like love.
SPEAKER_04Are you a music fan, uh my dear? Okay. Well, perhaps you'd like to join me uh in a dance.
SPEAKER_03And suddenly the sand parts and it opens up and it becomes the ballroom from Beauty and the Beasts.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god, you're really cooking now, Jesus. You're cooking.
SPEAKER_06So, so we're dancing. Yes, of course. You're dancing with an apartment building. Like that.
SPEAKER_04And I go, uh I don't normally uh I'm not normally this forward on a first date, but uh uh I like your body a lot. I like how all your parts are kind of hanging out. I and I and I like your style, if I'm being completely honest. You seem like a really cool lady. Oh my god, oh my god, Jesus Christ, you gotta whip us up a hotel room, brother.
SPEAKER_01Oh crap. Okay, hold on.
SPEAKER_06No, let now let's do let's do a roll. You've done I've I've let you do a lot of, you know, like I just can say. You will whip up a hotel room.
SPEAKER_03I rolled a 16.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so that's really nice. What do you what do you both think a 16 is? That's like a three-star? Oh, I think it's three-star? We're talking like a holiday in, like a downtown holiday inn, you know?
SPEAKER_03Like in a nice city, downtown, holiday inn.
SPEAKER_06Bigger city, holiday inn, downtown, so it's gonna be like pretty good. It's gonna have to be huge for her to fit in there.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I mean that's the thing is I think with this, because she got into the restaurant and stuff, is that I almost feel like there's almost like Lord of the Rings, like force perspective type thing. It's like when it feels like it's still the same size when she goes in, but it's still like the magic's doing its thing.
SPEAKER_06Great. So there will be a check-in uh person, a sand check-in. Oh my god, more rigamarole. We'll make that you, Kevin. Okay. So they're checking into this downtown holiday-in three-star experience. Okay.
SPEAKER_03Uh hi. Hi. How can I help you? Welcome to this downtown holiday-in experience.
SPEAKER_04Oh, this is a oh my god.
SPEAKER_03Um, yeah, I uh Oh my god, your pudding from Orkstagram!
SPEAKER_04I'm sorry, I'm not supposed to do this, but I'm such a big fan. No, actually, this is kind of working for me because you're kind of making me look super cool.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god, it's so cool. Oh my god, are you here to hook up?
SPEAKER_04Okay, now you're fucking overdoing it. I gotta find Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ? Dude, you're every time you make a staff member, it's a disaster.
SPEAKER_00Oh shit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I haven't worked in the service industry. I don't know. I've only been in the seminary.
SPEAKER_04Well, fucking clear it out. Clear it out. Just make a guy who's gonna give me a key and then shut up.
SPEAKER_03Okay, hold on. Uh then the sand guy like disappears and another sand guy pops up. All right, and here's your room, okay. The uh the uh King's King's suite. Okay, thank you. Gives you the key. Uh and uh and have a nice day. It just seems like it's bursting at the scene to say something.
SPEAKER_04It's like Oh my god, we gotta get out of here before he says the thing that's making him explode. Oh, the lady cra the lady crab wants to hear it.
SPEAKER_03I just wanted to say, uh Lady Crab, I'm such a big fan of your work on Orkstogram, all the all the uh textile arts that you put up, and uh your your uh or uh orc uh what is it uh your orcsti uh shop I shop at? Yeah, I'm such a big fan of yours, crab lady.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_04And I'm gonna run and talk to Jesus for a second and go, he's fucking flirting with my gal, man. He knows shit about her that I didn't even know. She's taking an interest.
SPEAKER_00I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. I'll try and stop that. Oh my god, where are they?
SPEAKER_04They left, they went off together.
SPEAKER_00They're up in the presidential suite. Uh so this is the uh presidential suite. It's actually pretty wide, pretty big. What are you doing? Throwing me against the wall. Just made of sand, delicate sand, but you could do what you want to do.
SPEAKER_06So all of that is to say you do have a very good distraction how to get away.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. So now we're we're just sort of walking away now because it's easy because they're gonna have passionate love. But I'm so mad. Yeah, yeah. I'm so like, dude, dude. The I mean, these spells, I want to say you're 99% of the way there, but that 1% is killing me.
SPEAKER_03I'm so sorry. I don't know what's going on. I think you know, I'm just the heat of the moment. Things are getting so exciting, all these these environments are just rarely do I get to be so creative in the seminary.
SPEAKER_04I didn't even know that was my type, you know what I mean? I didn't, and then I feel like it unlocked some for me.
SPEAKER_03Maybe you should fight, go back and fight.
SPEAKER_06So you're walking into the jungle, right? You're walking deeper into the jungle as you're talking about this. Yeah, yeah. Walking away from the sand, holiday and downtown experience.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and it's like it's rocking. It's like it's rocking back and forth.
SPEAKER_06It's like they're having a great time.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. And and what ultimately, what do we want? Why, why, where are we trying to get to, right? I can't even remember.
SPEAKER_06Well, you're lost on this island. You don't I mean, like, what do you want? Great. Like you you were you were shipwrecked and you washed up on this island. Yeah. I guess you probably want to get home. Yeah. Okay. It's a Gilligan's Island situation, it's a lost situation. Okay, that you were going into the jungle to get away from the crab, but now that crab is like permanently distracted, probably.
SPEAKER_04So I just want to say this. Wait a second. What are we running from and what are we running towards? Like, what am I searching for in life? Career? Love? I just had an opportunity there. And I'm walking away from it at the first sign of defeat at the first setback.
SPEAKER_03Exactly. The long devouring snake likes to test us in this way. It likes to put its tongue out and taste our despair and our our willingness to give up to see if we have the stamina to hold strong and firm.
SPEAKER_04Um, yeah, I can quote made up stuff too. Ooh, Mr. Boo-Boo Gaga is a baby from a children's book I read, and he wants us to follow our own pa uh own path. That's from a bit I do.
SPEAKER_03I know. I like that bit. It's funny. It's funny because it's not true. Okay, I'm going back. You're going back? He's gonna fight for his love. I like I create a sand boom box that has uh sand Peter Gabriel uh tape in it. Whoa, that's smart.
SPEAKER_06I'm like so you run back to the s the conjured sand downtown holiday in experience.
SPEAKER_04And I'm holding uh I'm holding Jesus Christ's uh sand boom box over my head playing Peter Gabriel. Okay.
SPEAKER_06Let's roll for a song. I'm gonna get a few Peter Gabriel songs.
SPEAKER_04I only know Sledgehammer.
SPEAKER_03That's what I was gonna sing if you when you started playing.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so I've got a few I've got a few. I I'm just gonna go like just roll one to twenty. I'll count. I'm gonna count what it is.
SPEAKER_03Oh. Who's rolling, Mark?
SPEAKER_06Oh, I'll roll. Either of you can roll.
SPEAKER_04I'll roll. All right. So the roll. Oh come on now. Refresh. The roll is 13.
SPEAKER_061, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13. Turn it on again.
SPEAKER_04Okay, so uh, I guess, Kevin, do you want to sing that to the best of your ability, not knowing anything about it?
SPEAKER_06Well, yeah, I don't know. That's that's by by Duke. Was Peter Gabriel involved in Duke? I I don't know. I don't know either. I'm gonna go one up. It's Salisbury Hill, which is definitely Peter Gabriel 1977. Salisbury Hill.
SPEAKER_04Okay, Kevin, take it away, buddy. Okay.
SPEAKER_05Salisbury Hill. All night. All night long, Salisbury. All night long, Salisbury Hill. All night long, Salisbury Hill.
SPEAKER_06Apartment building stops, or excuse me, hotel stops rattling around, and like out of a small window, the the giant face and beady eyes of the mother crab looks out and looks down at you holding the boom box.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. And I go, Listen to me. When I met you on the beach earlier today, I saw you as a predator. I saw you as a threat. And then I got to know you. And I saw you as something more. I saw you as a woman, as a best friend, as a companion, as the love of my life. I know that that sand guy has all the charm I could never have. I know he's a successful uh doorman or front desk, front desk uh concierge, maybe. I know he's got it all.
SPEAKER_03The sand guy comes up next to the next to the sand the crab and is like, who's down there? But he's like clearly like naked and he's jacked. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_04Look at him, he's carved out of sand. And what is sand if not small stone? But I want to say this. Everything I don't have is nothing compared to what I do. And that's love. I love you, big crab lady.
SPEAKER_06Come with me.
SPEAKER_05Oh no, no, I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_06She's affected. That was I think that was quite compelling, personally. I don't know about the the the two of you, but I thought that that was quite compelling. Should I roll this up? Yeah, let's let's roll. I think let's roll because like I'm just gonna say yes, you know what I mean? Let's do a straight up roll. Okay, I think again, like 10 to uh so like 11 and up, yes. 10 and down, no. I rolled a 17. It works. It works. It works. She moves away from the window, and then like there's like kind of a Looney Tune style, like her going down the stairs, like the building shakes, like down the stairs. She comes out the front door holding two suitcases she didn't have before. But now she has suitcases matching like and they're pretty big. The suitcases are the size of both of you, you know what I mean? Like and then she runs up to you and goes like and I go, the feeling is mutual.
SPEAKER_04And then make can we see can can oh my god, the sand uh concierge has a gun.
SPEAKER_03And he's up there and he's got like a uh he's got like a rifle, but it's too dark. No, rifle's fine.
SPEAKER_06So he's got like sort of like a rifle with a scope, kind of like a um like an Oswald style rifle, you know, like uh Oh wow a a quick repeating sort of thing situation.
SPEAKER_04Can he be too strong for Kevin to control him anymore for Jesus Christ to control him?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Let's say that's yeah.
SPEAKER_06This is quite dangerous. This is quite dangerous. You've you've played with dark magic, you've like you've gone against a spell, you know what I mean? You've run back maybe when you shouldn't have, or who knows? I'm just saying, you know, like whatever. And now you've you've sort of like you've sort of conjured up this like uh uncontrollable spell. Yeah. Okay, so the it was a sand concierge played by Kevin. Yeah. I'll do the shots, but what does the Saint Concierge say, Kevin?
SPEAKER_00Well I can't believe this is happening. I run a successful downtown best western hotel experience. Holiday!
SPEAKER_03What did you say?
SPEAKER_00Holiday in holiday in that sorry freaking uh I don't have anything ever taken away from me before, and I don't like it.
SPEAKER_03So I'm gonna I'm gonna show you what's what. Yeah, I'm gonna show you that you're gonna be upset that you caught that crab.
SPEAKER_04And then I'm gonna go and go, Jesus Christ, get Jesus uh get him under control, buddy.
SPEAKER_01He's your creation. And Jesus Christ is like, I can't! True love infected my spell, and he's gone off the rails.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so I'm gonna roll for the sand concierge. Okay. Okay. I think you guys are all gonna run away now, right? Yeah. The big crab, pudding, and Jesus Christ.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, we can ride the big crab. Yeah, we can hide under the crab for the for the shots.
SPEAKER_06You can decide however you want to do it, but what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna do three shots.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_06Okay, and if I roll a 17 and up, it hits directly. If I roll sort of somewhere like like, you know, like 16 to 11, it's like it's like a glancing wound. Anything below that misses. Because you're you're running. You're you're running, you know what I mean? Like even though the the the crab is the size of an apartment building. But like I'm giving you guys odds. Okay. Okay, three shots. And you're gonna ride the crab.
SPEAKER_04Um or or she maybe she could hold us softly in her p in her claws. In her like bags. Perfect, one in each.
SPEAKER_03We could do the thing, like, you know, when someone like has like a duffel bag and then they can like put like something, sit something on top of the duffel bag, like, you know, in hockey you put like your hockey sticks, or you can put like a person. So like on her Oh, on her suitcases.
SPEAKER_06So you guys are pretty safe. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I mean by her. Yeah, it would be a pretty tricky shot probably to get us, I think.
SPEAKER_06Okay. And you're running away, and that's what you're gonna do? Yeah. First shot, are you ready? First shot. Someone make a shot sound. Thirteen. Glancing. Glances the crab. She's okay though. It bounces off her bounces off her armor. My love!
SPEAKER_04Are you alright?
SPEAKER_06Second shot. Second shot. Make it make a sound. Thirteen again. Again. Another spot of armor, but she's okay.
SPEAKER_04My love! You still okay? That's my girl. I go, you guys are so cute.
SPEAKER_06Third shot. Last shot.
SPEAKER_04Okay.
SPEAKER_06Eleven. That's fine. It's fine. You know what I mean? It might have hit you guys are you guys are out of the out of the danger. What a lot of buildup for nothing. I go like this. I go.
SPEAKER_03The sang guy goes.
SPEAKER_06Oh, the sangai's finally a sand guy from Star Wars. Wow. Finally. So we leave him behind. You leave the this spell that the Holiday Inn that uh Jesus Christ conjured behind, you know, and it might be there eternally. Who knows? It's a powerful spell.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I think that love the love polluting it turned it into its own thing. So that's Sangai. I think so too. Chasing us.
SPEAKER_04Can we can we see Sangai talking to how can we see him for the next little couple minutes?
SPEAKER_06Just a little bit of like do you want to shoot like the Star Wars Sand Guy or the Sangai Concierge?
SPEAKER_04Sangai Concierge. I want to know how he deals with it.
SPEAKER_06Sangai Concierge calls his uh sandfather. I'll play his sandfather.
SPEAKER_03Okay, great. Bring bring.
SPEAKER_06Hola.
SPEAKER_03Dad.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. Hi, Dad. It's me. It's three o'clock in the morning.
SPEAKER_03I'm sorry to call you, Dad, but I just had a headset.
SPEAKER_06Sandrew, what's wrong?
SPEAKER_03I know I never call you. Everything goes well in my life. I've never had anything go wrong, but something went wrong.
SPEAKER_06Sandrew Sanderson. Yes.
SPEAKER_04Dad, get off the phone.
SPEAKER_06I am talking to your older brother.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god. Sandrew, why are you calling at this hour? This is when I talk to Trevor before bed. I hate that you're still going out with Trevor for b before bed. I know. His name is Trevor, and I talked to him before bed, you freaking moron.
SPEAKER_02Hey, just stop it right now.
SPEAKER_03I trying to talk to Sandre. I just need to talk to Dad, okay? I'm having a hard time. I fell in love. Oh my god, two minutes. Then the love just ran away with some guy, some stand-up comedian.
SPEAKER_06It's okay now. Having big emotions is what makes you Sandrew. And you know, you fall in love with another, I assume, Sand girl.
SPEAKER_02Is that Sandrew on the phone? It is Sandra. I don't want to talk to Mimi. That's grandma. You don't want to talk to your mother? And Mama. Yeah, I don't want to talk to Mama.
SPEAKER_06Well, you're gonna talk to her.
SPEAKER_02No, she's gonna make too much of a big deal out of this. Come here, Sandra. It's Sandre. Oh my god! Sandrew! Uh Sandrew!
SPEAKER_03Um, hi, Mama.
SPEAKER_02Now hold on. I just wanna see if there's pigs flying outside.
SPEAKER_03Here we go. Because that's what I thought would have to happen before you called home. Um, come on, just stop it, okay? I know you're not that worried. You don't w can't worry about me 24 hours a day. You know I run a successful holiday in breakfast. Now hold on.
SPEAKER_04I'm just gonna check the temperat my weather app to check the temperature in hell, because it must have frozen over. Since that's what I thought would happen before you finally called home.
SPEAKER_03I wonder why I don't want to call home, Mom. When this is the thing, this 15 minutes of this, I gotta You should do stand-up, Mom. Seriously, I'm telling you, go to an open mic. You get a lot of energy out.
SPEAKER_04What that's what you have to say to me is that I should get into stand-up comedy? Now I've been watching stand-up comedy. See? I've been watching it on Netflix. Yeah, who have you been watching? Or I guess Sandflix.
SPEAKER_00Well, no, net.
SPEAKER_06So I just want to put a pause. What's great about this is this is all conjured out of Kevin's spell. You know what I mean? Like this family didn't exist. Yeah. Like what he called created that, it created that. It's all coming together. Until the spell was created. And I I think until that holiday inn is destroyed, this these lives are in the universe. Okay. Oh, you imagine Mother Christ. Sandra, how dare you? You've run away to run a holiday inn, and you think you're the best guy around.
SPEAKER_00No, but I'm trying to say my heartbroken tonight.
SPEAKER_06Well, I assume it was from a sand.
SPEAKER_00It was a crab, a beautiful crab.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god, get off the phone, no!
SPEAKER_03Don't be like this, okay? Don't be don't be sand, don't be.
SPEAKER_04Talk to your sister, talk to your sister, talk to your sister. Oh, Sandrew.
SPEAKER_03Shelly, what?
SPEAKER_04I just saw something crazy outside.
SPEAKER_03What's that?
SPEAKER_04At least I think I saw it.
SPEAKER_03Spit it out. It's gonna be some burn. Hurry up.
SPEAKER_04I think it was a pig flying, because that's the last time you called home to talk to mom.
SPEAKER_02Okay, give me the phone.
SPEAKER_07Give me the phone. Sandra? Yes, dad. What is hell frozen over? Oh my god, I'm hanging up. No, no, come on. He's doing it too.
SPEAKER_06Okay, so you guys now it's the three of you. It's the three of you. Okay. We don't know where golf is. Golf ran into the ocean. Lois or whatever. A crab. So now, but you guys are kind of like in honey or short the kids when they get the ant. Remember when they get the ant? Oh yeah. Yeah. And they're riding the ant. So now you have this kind of behemoth giant sort of other species friend. Also lover for you pudding. Like you made like you you you put your chips on the table. Yep. And that's why she came, I think.
SPEAKER_04I love this big gal.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, and she loves you. Just we're gonna let that play out because like we'll see how that goes. But like it's different for you. Yeah. And Jesus Christ, you like what's cool about you now is you can kind of conjure anything you want, and it's either gonna go good or bad, which I love.
SPEAKER_04Can she take us to her place? Hey, take us, hey, take us to your place.
SPEAKER_06Now she does live in the ocean.
SPEAKER_04Down, down, down.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, can we breathe under there?
SPEAKER_06No, you both can't breathe, but that's where she lives. She lives with other giant crabs. Uh kind of like you know how crabs I think crabs live like in the uh the the shallows on the rocks and such. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, so I think she could take us to the shallows. Yeah, we can let's live on the edge of the water. I mean, this is where maybe Mark. Because what do you guys what do you want to do?
SPEAKER_06You want to try to find rescue? You want to like live here forever? Like, what do you what do you two think? I'll tell you what I want to do.
SPEAKER_04I want to get over this nod in my stomach that I get any time I have to meet a new gal's friends. What if they don't like me?
SPEAKER_03We could run through some scenarios. I can conjure up some sand friends and you could pretend to talk to them.
SPEAKER_04Oh yeah, I really want you to conjure up more sand.
SPEAKER_06Just as you're going, you know, like you're like two little hobbits on the ent. You know, you're walking walking through the bush, she's cleaned the bush. In and in the jungle, you've kind of like you know, been walking aimlessly for a little while. In a clearing ahead, you see a strange stone covered in vines and moss, old ancient ruins. Wow. Avoid that stone, it's right in the way.
SPEAKER_03Hey, honey, you're headed right for that stone. It's in the way. It's old as moss covered, it's probably fine to just leave alone.
SPEAKER_06Okay, fine. So you go back to the beach. You go back to the beach, you do not look at the ruins. And she's like pointing to where she lives. So she like indicates with, I guess, the hand she's holding, the pincer she's holding uh Jesus Christ in. So she's kind of like points to the to the shallows down into the water where you both can't breathe. She's like, You live down there, but I can't go down there.
SPEAKER_04I can't breathe.
SPEAKER_03Besides, we must we should probably wait for uh our other party member he last saw us on the beach. How would he find us? I don't even remember his name. You know what? Fuck him.
SPEAKER_06I'm gonna be able to talk. I'm gonna talk a little bit.
SPEAKER_07Name was golf. Oh my god, she can talk.
SPEAKER_06Why don't you guys roll to see if you want me to be able to talk?
SPEAKER_03Okay. Roll me personally want you to if you can talk.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. So I rolled a 16. I rolled a natural 20. Okay, yeah, you both rolled. So I can I can do talking now. Okay. So it's not like a lassie situation. I can just respond and talk as the crab. Okay.
SPEAKER_07I can't help you find him. He'll down on the water, I think. Many dangers down there.
SPEAKER_03Such a beautiful voice.
SPEAKER_04I don't know how you I don't know how you hold up. Uh does golf even deserve us going to rescue him?
SPEAKER_03I don't know, I suppose. Uh I don't really have much of an impression of him. I mean, he went and he went, Peter, I'm PETA. That's about it.
SPEAKER_04Okay, how about this? Let's just fucking let you leave him. Let's I wanna go where you want to go, my big uh gal. My lovely, beautiful building of a gal. I wanna I wanna I wanna go where I wanna go visit your friends, I wanna go meet your people, I wanna go see everything about you.
SPEAKER_07I'll take you down to the shoals. It'll be hard for you to breathe unless you can find this special breathing apparatus in the ruins. Ah, the ruins! What where where are those? I don't know. That's where we were. Oh, you know? Where? In the middle of the jungle, this magical ruins. Is an apparatus you can use to breathe underwater.
SPEAKER_04Okay.
SPEAKER_03Well, that's get let's prepare ourselves. I'll make a sand version of the ruins and uh practice on that. No, it's just go. What? It's the one thing I can do. Okay.
SPEAKER_04You gotta figure out some new spells. The last one went so wrong. What? It helped you get hooked up. Well, yeah, what is all your spells freaking cuck spells? Because that's all you're making is freaking nightmares for me.
unknownWhat?
SPEAKER_03The love deverging snake's not about cucking. And I turn to the camera, I go, that's all it's about.
SPEAKER_07I'd like to rock this back a little bit. Inside the ruins as a crab wizard. Who can help you breathe underwater? Okay. But you gotta get inside.
SPEAKER_03So even more reason for us to do a sand reenactment. No, I we can't.
SPEAKER_04Let's go. I gotta go and I gotta do this. You gotta show her you're decisive. I gotta be able to live underwater with my new gal.
SPEAKER_03100%. I absolutely back this up. This new love, it's blessed by the law-devouring snake. We I must see this through.
SPEAKER_04Hey, could you just make me like an underwater breathing advan uh apparatus with a spell?
SPEAKER_03Hmm, let's see. I'm gonna try.
SPEAKER_06So you're what are you- you're trying to what are you trying to do?
SPEAKER_03Trying to conjure a uh uh uh underwater breathing approach. From sand or like sand apparatus? I mean, it almost made a car.
SPEAKER_06Okay, listen. So this is gonna be like if you roll a 17, 18, 19, or 20, yeah, you do it. Yeah, everything else is a failure. Okay, everybody, here we go. It's gotta be hard.
SPEAKER_04Roll a good one. 18! Yeah, work around!
SPEAKER_00Now I don't have to talk to that stupid wizard. I was like actually that was around. So much prepared.
SPEAKER_06You did a workaround. So, yeah, so out of sand, you create two sort of scuba-looking apparatuses that allow you to breathe underwater. You put them on, she takes you down.
SPEAKER_03Wait, but before no, before all that, it sand conjures up, and there's like the two breathing apparatuses, and then underneath that comes like another guy who's holding them. He's like, hello, here are your breathing apparati. I am Jeffrey. I'm gonna show you how to use them. Here you go. And the crab goes, ah and he winks at the crab and he actually winks up at Mark's character pudding. He's like, Hey, big boy, you're famous. I like that. You're very funny and you're very creative and smart and you're sexual.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you just make a bisexual sand guy?
SPEAKER_00Uh yeah, I think maybe sort of bisexual thruple uh material unicorn type guy, I think what I made.
SPEAKER_06So the sand guy puts on the so he exists. He puts on the breathing apparatus for both of you. Yeah. She pinches you both, uh, and she goes deep into the shoals. Not that deep, but like, you know, twenty feet. And there's a beautiful underwater crab town. Crab metropolis.
SPEAKER_03Is it doing that that the sand, the bisexual sand guy who is with you, once gets in the water, dissolves.
SPEAKER_01He's like, oh shit, I can't come with you.
SPEAKER_06That's something for you to know. Yeah. Uh pudding. Sand guys dissolve in the water. Yeah, sand guys dissolve in the water.
SPEAKER_04Ooh. Good to know.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. And we're gonna we're gonna end that there, okay? We're gonna end that there for today. That's a good uh because we know that a golf is in the water somewhere. You both did a really fun workaround, so you've got the breathing apparatus or whatever. Fun. So you now you can breathe underwater. You've made you've made a relationship with this giant crab, and she's about to show you around and introduce you to her friends.
SPEAKER_04And and well, I just want to say the giant stone and the runes and the crab wizard, they're not gone.
SPEAKER_06They're there. And you know, I might try to usher you back there, you know, as I I did twice this episode. You never know, there might be another reason you have to go back. Maybe that's how you have to save golf. We won't know. And I do want to say, next episode, we're gonna have a very because Mark's away for two, so we're we're without golf for two. We're gonna have a surprise guest next episode show up. I'm not gonna tell either of you who this person is. It's another comedian. I've finally convinced to play some DD.
SPEAKER_08Okay.
SPEAKER_06They're skeptical, but they're gonna jump in and sort of like have some fun and just like play a part and uh hopefully uh be as affable and fun as you both are. So it'll be great. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Well, I can't wait for that, Ryan. And I'm excited to see um how our adventure goes underwater, meeting the crab ladies' friends and other high-stakes adventures.
SPEAKER_03Yes, exactly. I agree.
SPEAKER_06And we also know now that uh well um Jesus Christ's sand creating guy spells are useless underwater.
SPEAKER_03Exactly. So I gotta come up with a new thing for next episode. I gotta close a new.
SPEAKER_06There is sand underwater, but I don't think it can form into guys as easily underwater.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I thought like it would just be like two, like I can't keep it together. I think so, too. Wow.
SPEAKER_06That's that's an interesting wrinkle. Well, join us next week, as always, on Nightmare Party, a D D adjacent comedy podcast where we try to have some fantasy fun.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, try to