Self Love: 3 Lies and 3 Truths

What does it actually mean to love yourself — and why do so many of us struggle with it?

Together we break down three common lies about self-love that quietly shape how we think about our worth, our relationships, and our identity. Then we share three powerful truths grounded in psychology and neuroscience that can help you build a more stable sense of self.

Along the way we explore research from experts like Kristin Neff, Brené Brown, and James Clear and discuss how self-worth, attachment, and the nervous system influence the way we experience love.

You’ll also walk away with practical tools you can start using immediately to build healthier self-talk, emotional regulation, and identity-based habits.

In this episode we discuss:
 ✨ Why self-worth often becomes tied to performance and approval
 🧠 How rejection affects the brain and nervous system
 💛 The difference between self-compassion and self-esteem
 🛠 Practical tools to build a healthier relationship with yourself

Self-love isn’t about perfection.

It’s about learning to treat yourself with the same compassion, clarity, and respect you offer to others.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome back to Trail Talks, the podcast where we talk about growth, the messy, the beautiful, and everything in between. I'm your host, Kelly Krueger, founder of Kelly Michelle Coaching, where we focus on mindset, emotional intelligence, and leadership, all grounded in real life and real science. And joining me is my co-host and partner in growth, founder of Leading People LLC Terrace ToNet, the leadership trainer and facilitator who brings insight, curiosity, and real-world perspective to every episode. So wherever you're listening from today, we're glad you're here and thank you for joining us on the trail. Hey everybody, welcome back to Trail Talks. We are back. The girls are back in town. The girls are back in town. We yeah, we we did. We needed it. It's okay. We needed to take a knee. And we are back and we are talking about love and self-love and how important it is. So we have we have top three lies about about love and top three truths about love. And this is this is about self-love. Are we ready to get started, Tara? Yeah, let's go. Yeah, love self-love. All right, we are gonna hop right into it. So the top three lies we believe about love. Number one, love comes from outside of me. So what that's when we're conditioned to believe when someone chooses me, I'll feel worthy. When someone loves me, I'll feel complete. Ugh. I hate it. That is relying on external validation to feel to feel love. And there this there was that TED Talk or on YouTube that I sent you. It was Peter Sage. Yes. Did you watch that? That was one of the best TED Talks I have seen. And it's titled for the listeners, because I encourage you guys to watch it. Most of it has to do with with this episode. Let me get the title of it. So it's Peter Sage. And I think it's called How sorry. How to Eliminate Self-Doubt Forever. So good. And and one question he asked in their very powerful or a very powerful statement is nobody can ever love us more than we love ourselves.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Yes. Because the external things are equal instability, really. You know, those are things that can be taken away from you. And I always have this conversation. People and things come and go. Yeah. Throughout your life. That's just what it is. Um, or they're in they're just instable within itself. So you can't, we talked about before, you can't depict what other people do. It's out of your control. You can't depict people that are coming in out of your life. Sometimes that's out of your control as well. But how you act and what you do is completely in your control. So all you can do is love from within and love who you are in every little thing about yourself.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

Yeah. Crocker and Wolf had this uh 2001 theory. It's the contingency of self-worth that explains. I'm just going to read some of my notes that that explains many of us base our self-esteem on specific conditions. So things that are outside of us achievement, approval from others, appearance, relationships, or moral behavior. In other words, our sense of worth becomes contingent on how how well we perform in certain areas. When we succeed, we feel valuable. When we fail or face criticism, our self-worth drops. So this ties to our worth to external validation, and it makes us emotionally reactive. When we win, we ride the highs. When we lose, we crash. And over time, it can create anxiety, perfectionism, people pleasing, and fear of failure. And some of that, if you recall, I forgot what episode it was. Maybe it was three or four when we talked about limiting beliefs. And some of that has to do with how we were raised, like what we saw as children. In on in that TED Talks, Peter Sage talks talks about how I think it's age six or seven, when you start, yeah, when you start, I guess, forming those patterns and beliefs, depending on the perception that that six or seven-year-old has of the love they didn't get or the love that they got from the people that love them the most, or the people they think that should should love them the most. And that's when we're seven years old and we start forming these patterns and limiting beliefs about ourselves and and what we're worth and what we're what you know, how we're valued. It was very interesting.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

Yeah. It also reminds me of um um retired Chief Kelly, but remember her whole story? She was five years old, and she was like, she felt like she wasn't worthy of certain things because of what she felt when she was locked in that shed, and then how they ran to her younger brother. So she formed these limiting beliefs or her worth or even her self-worth about the same age as what he said, about six or seven, right? Yeah, and it carried on with her throughout her adulthood, and she had to really work on that. But your self-esteem can't depend on like approval or appearance, achievement, even. I had a problem with that. Like I was always achieving things, and don't get me wrong, I did it. But I felt like I had to, like, what's next? What's next? What's next? And it's like, girl, don't forget how far you've come and accept what you have, right? Because even in a relationship, and I and I've spoken to a couple of married couples, and they're like, you know, yeah, my partner. It doesn't matter how I feel about my partner, how pretty I think she is, how handsome he is, how great of a person he is. If they feel otherwise, I can't fix that. It has to come from within. People can't fix that. Outside things can't fix that.

SPEAKER_00 6:29

Yeah, that uh Peter Sage said something about that too. Very powerful statement. Um I think it's the number one law of personal growth that people will never rise above the opinion of themselves. Like people will never rise above the opinions of themselves.

SPEAKER_01 6:54

Yeah, we are hardest critics. I mean, we know that. We're the worse. Like you'll forgive and forgive and forgive other people, and you will accept who they are and what they've done in all these things. But when it comes to yourself, it's like, why can't you do the same thing and give yourself that same grace?

SPEAKER_00 7:11

So when we um so when we talk about, you know, as kids, if we did experience abandonment, neglect, or inconsistent love as a child, then that's where we would tie start tying our self-worth to performance or approval later in life. And it's going to show up in in our adult life. Because if love was withdrawn and consistent or conditional, then the child is thinking, I must earn love, I must perform to stay safe. But here, the key is to a child like love equals survival, the nervous system wires itself around, staying connected at all costs. So in adulthood, it's going to show up as people pleasing perfectionism, fear of rejection. Oh my God, we're going to talk about rejection in a minute. Overachievement, emotional reactivity to criticism. And that's not, I mean, it's not saying that we're weak. It's just we adapted to what we were exposed to. And until we identify that pattern and those limiting beliefs and how it's affected our lives. So if your nervous system learned early that love was unstable, your identity can revolve around earning safety through achievement, appearance, and approval. So then we want to rewire those survival patterns. Um, and then you know, we have neuroplasticity that tells us the brain can change, secure attachment can be built, stable identity can be built, and then you can choose something healthier.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

It all goes back to CTFAR, choosing and making decisions.

SPEAKER_00 8:52

It does really does. It does. So, so doing some research for this episode, I don't know if it was in your notes, but there was a in 2003 researcher uh Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA did a groundbreaking study on social rejection. Participants played a simple virtual ball tossing game called Cyberball. At first, the other players included them, then suddenly they stopped throwing the ball to them. They were excluded. While this was happening, researchers scanned their brains using fMRI. The same region that lights up during physical pain, the same region of the brain that lights up during physical pain, it's uh one of the cortexes, the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, it lit up during this the social rejection when they were excluded. Isn't that crazy? So your brain processes social excuse exclusion using the same circuitry as physical pain when we feel physical pain. So rejection, then we feel the physical pain. Imagine like I I automatically when I heard that, I automatically felt I automatically thought about like high school students with cyberbullying and like all of that. And I'm like, holy cow, like this has really affected children, adults, suicide, you know, relationships say this when we talk about relationships and breakups. I mean that that we take that as rejection and immediately we feel physical pain. Yeah. And it and unless we know that you can survive it. Like you can survive disapproval, you can survive someone not choosing you, you can survive not being perfect. And when you really internalize that, then your worth is gonna stop swinging with every single thing that happens to you. It's it's you know you are inherently worthy because you are human, it's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 11:06

Like I, you know, we talk about suicide prevention and and I teach some of the classes, and one of the top reasons we know that people commit suicide is lack of connection. And they don't mean like relationships, it's like you didn't invite this person to lunch, you excluded this person some way or another. And by you saying that and giving that you know, that research, it puts things into perspective in the same way that it puts things into perspective that how change is the same, you go through the same cycle as if someone were to pass away, right? So it kind of like puts it into perspective, like, okay, this is not just like, oh, you hurt my feelings. Like this is some type of physical pain that your brain is telling you you should be having. That is crazy.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

Yeah, and I'm sure the thought is I'm not worthy, and that they feel that physical pain. And then what are their actions or inactions based on the on the pain? Going back to CBT and and the model, it's now what happens with that individual that feels that that pain and doesn't know otherwise, that it's just temporary and you're worthy and you're valued. But it makes sense because also they talk about like from an evolutionary standpoint, thousands of years ago, being excluded from the tribe meant death. Okay. So our brains evolved to treat social resect rejection as like a survival threat.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, but I mean, we and we know it's I know like that blew my mind, but I it also should really not have been that it shouldn't have blew my mind as much as it did because we know that a thought creates a feeling, and sometimes that feeling can be like anxiety, which can make your heart beat super fast. We know that a thought can create certain things, but I I guess I just never related rejection to physical pain.

SPEAKER_00 13:05

Yeah, yeah, and we all feel it, and we all feel it different. Yeah, yeah. I my yeah, my mind was blown when I when I heard that. So that's your that's your first, that's our first lie there is love comes from outside of me. That is your first lie. So it's gotta come from inside of you. Nobody's gonna ever love you more than you love yourself, and people will never rise above the opinions of themselves.

SPEAKER_02 13:36

All right.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

You want to go on to lie number two? Okay, line number two. Lie number two. I said nothing else. My mind is still thinking about this the researcher just I'm I'm telling you, it it I actually shared it with a class. I I shared it with a class last week because we we when we talk about um strategic thinking and decision making, a few competencies that you want to have when you want to make group decisions and strategically think is is intellectual flexibility. It's understanding it's understanding that that you know things can change and how flexible are you willing to be to be open to other perspectives. And then another one was intellectual humility, which hey, I don't know everything. If I'm the smartest person in the room, I'm in the wrong room. Wrong room, yeah. And then the third is intellectual inclusion, and that is getting the right people in the room that maybe don't think the same as you. Um so yeah, and then we talked about inclusion a little bit, and that led to me sharing about the social rejection and the physical pain, and yeah, it's pretty cool. Yeah, it's cool. All right, line number two is if I love myself, I am selfish.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

That's what is that's one of the most damaging beliefs. Yes. Because why are you selfish for loving yourself? You love everyone else, right? Yeah. Well, one of the things go ahead. Go ahead. Me? Okay, fine. No, I'd one of the things we're talking about before was about the ego, right? And I and you said that will probably probably fall in line with feeling like you're being selfish. It's your ego's talk, ego talking. So one of the things that I researched was like there's ego-based self-love and there's spirit-based self-love. So the former cares about what the ego cares about. So, like your appearances, power, survival. The other one cares about what the spirit cares about healing, wholeness, and love. So your ego, I think, comes into play when you think that you're being selfish for loving yourself.

SPEAKER_00 15:55

Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. What was the spirit? What would what was the spirit one?

SPEAKER_01 16:01

Oh, the spirit is spirit-based self-love, um, cares about what the spirit cares about. So healing, fullness, and love in general. So it's again, not those outside factors that your ego makes you think you should have, but things that are within.

SPEAKER_00 16:18

That that lines up with the psychologist Kristen Christine Neff in 2003 came up with the concept of self-compassion into mainstream psychological research. She defined self-compassion into three three parts. The first is self-kindness. So that's like not being ashamed of yourself yourself and just speaking to yourself with care instead of criticism. Uh-huh. Positive affirmation. Listen to that. Yeah. Be nice to yourself. Um, the second one is common humanity, recognizing that suffering and imperfection are a part of being human. And the third is let me get it here: mindfulness, noticing your pain without exaggerating it or suppressing it. Self-compassion is not self-esteem. Self-esteem says I'm valuable because I'm better, successful, attractive, and accomplished. Self-compassion is I'm valuable because I'm human and I'm not perfect. And that is okay. And when people understand self-compassion and they treat themselves with self-compassion, they're less anxious, they're less depressed, they're less perfectionistic, they're more resilient, they're more motivated, they have that intrinsic motivation. So when you aren't wasting energy beating yourself up, you have more energy to grow.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

Yeah. So for I have an example um that I have written down here. Is like before I found self-love, I used to be a lot more critical of myself. For example, I hated how this is not me, I'm not that sensitive. This is just an example. Um, I just look at me like, what the heck? Uh, for example, I hated how sensitive I was because my sensitivity caused me to experience depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. This sensitive nature made me feel stupid, worthless, and weak. So the thought, the feeling, right? But when I began to love myself, I began to look at the positive side of my sensitivity that it gave me the ability to understand things on a deeper level and to create meaningful art that touches the hearts of others. Yeah. Again, changing your thought process.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

That is so powerful. It really is like it's emotional depth and emotional maturity. When you understand why you're feeling the way you are and and how it's leading to your to what you're doing and the results that you're trying to achieve, I think going deep like that is it shows that you are emotionally intelligent.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

Yeah, I think I mean, just you have to embrace what God gave you. Yeah. If you're sensitive in nature, okay, you're sensitive in nature. How can you use it to your benefit? You know what I mean? Like if this is who you are, then you're probably an empath.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 19:16

Yes. Um, I think that a lot of times that's what we forget to do is just kind of embrace our situation or just embrace who we are and so critical, like we were talking about, and just hard on ourselves that we forget that it's okay to be emotional or hardcore, even whatever it is. Everyone has a has some type of positivity out of whoever and however they are.

SPEAKER_02 19:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:43

It doesn't have to always be a negative state of it.

SPEAKER_00 19:49

Yeah, if you can't if you can't extend compassion inward, then eventually resentment leaks outward. And that's why loving yourself first doesn't diminish your capacity to love others, it stabilizes it. Such a good one.

SPEAKER_01 20:06

Yeah, it kind of also refirms you back to like leadership, and we talked about before. You gotta lead yourself before you can lead others. Self-leadership is a thing.

SPEAKER_00 20:14

It's oh my god, it's number one, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:17

And it's this this is the same concept.

SPEAKER_00 20:19

I always say you can't, or John Maxwell, you can't give what you don't have.

SPEAKER_01 20:24

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

And in this case, also you cannot sustainably give what you refuse to receive. All right, line number three. Uh, do you have anything else for two? Line number three, I'll love myself when I fix myself. When I lose the weight, when I stop messing up, when I get more disciplined, when I heal, when I build better habits, then I can love myself. I don't know, I've lost the weight before.

SPEAKER_01 21:01

That's shame. That is shame, yeah. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 21:09

Yeah, shame says fix yourself, then you can belong. But belonging is actually what allows the healing to take place. Brene Brown talked about it in her Daring Greatly book. She defines shame as the intensely painful belief that I'm flawed, therefore I am unworthy of love and belonging.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:32

Not like we should be saying, you know, I made the mistake, not I am the mistake. And shame is I am the mistake.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

And when you feel shame, just like those indulgent emotions that we that we talk about several episodes, when we talk about indulgent emotions and and those are worry and doubt and overwhelm, and shame is one of those. Shame will never serve you well.

SPEAKER_01 21:57

Yeah. Perfectionism. Is not self-love, right? So fixing yourself. We talked about before. I used to battle perfectionism. And I'm here in living proof, showing you on my tired face that I am not worried about the perfectionism. There's no filter. Everything is imperfect in this. Because everything is gonna be okay. Everything is fine, and it has been okay. I get it. Trust me, I it's something I work on, guys. So don't feel shameful for feeling like things have to be perfect either. But perfectionism is not self-love whatsoever.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

Yeah, it's all a part of growth. Lessons learned, failing forward.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

Failing forward. I love that saying.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

If you believe I'm broken and need fixing, your actions come from shame. But if you begin to see yourself as someone worthy of care, discipline, and growth, then your habits will start to align with the identity. You will build better habits when you start learning and believing that you are worthy. But I think um that Peter Sage said it, but our essence of who we are is wired for growth. And we're always battling between the what we're hardwired for here, which is the comfort, and then also, oh God, but I gotta go there, but oh god, it might be dangerous, you know. We're always battling that.

SPEAKER_01 23:50

Yeah, it's the same concept. It's like, why can't we align those concepts that we seem to retain easier and understand easier with our self-love type of goals? You know what I mean? Like you said, it once you start feeling like you're worthy, you'll change your habits. When you want something, a goal, when you want to meet something, all of a sudden it's easier for you to change your habits.

SPEAKER_00 24:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

Why is that? Like, why can't we align those same concepts with self-love?

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Yeah. Yeah. All right. What are um that was three, right?

SPEAKER_02 24:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:34

I love myself when I fix myself. Let's move on to the truths, the top truths. Truth number one. What self-love actually is, it's self self-love is identity anchoring. Um, this goes back to like emotional intelligence. Um, one of the EQI 2.0 realms is it all starts with how you think about yourself, the the self-referential processing. So two of the, I think the first one is self-regard, how you view yourself. And then the second one is self-actualization, and that is how you're growing and setting goals. So that kind of aligns with the identity anchoring. It's how we think about ourselves and what makes us us.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

Yeah. And I don't want to go down a rabbit hole because you know how I feel about self-love and identity and how people identify. We identify as things that are outside. Okay. And moms don't kill me. But I'm not just when you ask me who I am, I'm not going to identify as Sir's mother. That's not going to be the first thing out of my mind, my mouth. Like, yes, that is a part of me. Yes, I'm his mother. That is not who I am, and only what I am. And I think, or you identify as your job. You identify as an airman in the military. That's a part of you. That's not who you are. Because when you're stripped of all of that, your kid is your empty nesting, your kid's long gone. You did a great job. They're in college. When you're stripped of that uniform, when you're stripped of that job, you retired. Who are you? What do you like to do? And I'll never forget being a first sergeant academy. And they asked that question, and they said, You are not allowed to identify as a parent, as an airman, or anything that you do in life. Who are you? And people could not answer that question.

SPEAKER_00 26:40

It's very tough.

SPEAKER_01 26:42

Me? I had already thought about it. And I was ready.

SPEAKER_00 26:48

Yeah, I mean, there there's there's feelings about that. There's probably a disconnect there, you know. I I know I was probably there for many years. Yeah. Um, not saying I haven't been victim of it, but I I've grown. Yeah, you probably you probably had time with yourself to really think about it, especially and and also as a mom, though, because life changes when you're a parent and you have children, and it's now are my values still aligned as a parent. And I and there's a part of uh the military sherpa assessments that you do the five voices, you do the communication code. Another one is the peace index and and kind of like peace in your life, the people around you, um how how you live, where you live, what you the things that you have, all of that really shows what you value. Yes, it I it does. And it's just so interesting. Like, even me when it was last year, and I'm realizing like, holy cow, I really need to strengthen my anchors, you know, post-divorce and kind of resetting myself a little bit, and then also feeling like okay, I I now I'm understanding where I'm going. It was just really what do I want peace to look like? What do I value?

SPEAKER_01 28:16

Yeah, and you have to be careful about society norms, societal norms, generational judgments. I'll just put it that way, generational judgments from different generations and how you live because it reminds me of uh Shaquila. That's her name, right? Shaquila, yeah, and her husband, and she and she was saying how her going backwards to quote unquote, people were judging her for that. People were, you know, all the thing, and she's like, I had to remember remind myself who I am, yeah, what I want and what I want peace to look like. Well, however, she fanned that statement, and it was basically all the noise was gone. This is what I'm gonna do, this is who I am, and she was for anchors, she wasn't budgeted from it, and it put her in a good place. I mean, you have to stick true to who you are because you're gonna go to work and be someone different, you're gonna come home and be someone different if you don't know who you are and you don't stick to that true self-identity.

SPEAKER_00 29:13

Yeah, that's all the identity, and it's all in alignment with who you are, with what you value. And if anything is out of alignment, you feel it. Yeah. Yep. If you are connected, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:31

I really do try to shrink my anchors and you know stick true to who I am and what I want. I know that three times a year I need to travel somewhere, at least, maybe more. That's how I reset. I enjoy experiences, and then I realize okay, I don't really have to leave the country to get those experiences. I can just go to a place that I've never been in the United States. There's been a lot of places, right? But I enjoy experiences, that's just what it is. So I'm going to make it a priority for me to have those experiences in one way or another, you know?

SPEAKER_00 30:05

Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. But anywho. Well, I love the Buffalo Bills, so my life revolves around nothing is wrong with that. Revolves around the Buffalo. I mean, it is though. Except for when they lose. I mid-conversation today, mid-conversation today. My colleague, we're talking about a lesson plan in mid-conversation. I'm like, oh, the Bills got DJ Moore. He's like, or I said, we got DJ Moore. He's like, who who is that, a colonel? Or what? And I was like, no, the Bills. He goes, where did that come from?

SPEAKER_01 30:46

Notification pops on your phone. You're like, I know. Anytime we see you anything Buffalo Bills, I want to send you a picture. There was a girl at the bar, at the restaurant. Bar, it's a restaurant, but she had a full-blown Buffalo Bills outfit on. I was like, Yeah, I want to take a picture of this lady and send it to Kelly.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

Oh, yeah. We are so proud. That's our love. We are so proud. Anyway, loud and proud. Um, for sure. Yeah, so self-love is identity anchoring. Who are you? Strengthen your anchors. You will feel more worthy, more valued.

unknown 31:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:24

Let's see. Truth number two is self-love is emotional regulation. And we've been talking about that. It's really emotional intelligence.

SPEAKER_01 31:36

Yeah. I like how it says you will try to control other people to feel safe. If you cannot sit with your own discomfort, oh yes. You will try to control other people to feel safe.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

There's no emotional regulation in that. Like, but I can imagine that's what people do, but because you can't change people. You can't.

SPEAKER_00 31:58

You can't change them. So it's it's that's when you have to do that inner work and find out why you feel the way you do.

SPEAKER_01 32:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:09

Like, where is that coming from? How can you how can you change it and build new neural pathways? And you know, it's you can't change people. So it's it's your discomfort, but there's a reason for the discomfort.

SPEAKER_01 32:24

Yeah. And I know we're talking about self-love and loving ourselves, whatever. Obviously, like we said, like leadership, lead yourself so you can lead others, love yourself so you can love others. But that just put reminds me of like being in a relationship. Like I always make at the joke, and I say, excuse me for cursing a little bit, but I just you can't you have to accept people for who they are. Yeah, everyone has their shit. Whose shit can you deal with? Yeah, that's just what it is. You're not gonna change their shit. This is who they are.

SPEAKER_00 32:56

And that you can you can set a boundaries, which is you could set boundaries, which is number three. But yeah, no, you can't, you can't change anybody. It's sitting with the discomfort. I like how it says in here, uh, we mistake intensity for intimacy, we confuse anxiety for connection. Um, we cling for regulation, but but healthy love is not two dysregulated nervous systems clean, it's two regulated nervous systems choosing each other. And that is that is you individually mastering the game of self. That's really what it is, and that is the toughest game in life. Yes. It's mastering. It's mastering, it's mastering yourself. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 33:50

Thank you wouldn't be that difficult.

SPEAKER_00 33:51

If you could like I can I am a massive people, it it's it's not, it just depends on how often we are consciously making decisions every single minute of the day. Like versus what we've said in previous episodes, the autopilot default mode that plays a huge part of this, is 80% of our day, we're probably in autopilot, that default mode network, and only maybe 20%. And I'm getting those numbers wrong, but it's a very, very big difference. Where we are we are consciously doing things and moving in a direction. We are critically thinking, we are solving problems, we are making decisions, having meaningful conversations, all of those. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

But I just I don't feel like it's as much energy being taken from me in my experience by doing those things, as much as it is allowing somebody to irritate me or ruin my day, or allowing a situation to bring me into that second emotion, which is anger or anxiety or whatever, whatever it is. I feel like that drains you more than making conscious decisions.

SPEAKER_00 35:09

It does. Yeah, I so how can you really master yourself if you are on in default mode or autopilot? Because you're you're really not, because you're not maybe actively doing things with intention, you know, things aren't intentional.

SPEAKER_01 35:42

Yeah, and it brings us back to our time blocking and that what is it, hour one of Monday, and intentionally creating your time blocking schedule. And yeah, I'll tell you that that saves a lot of energy for me throughout the week. Yeah. Because I'll I'll forget to do my meditation, I'll forget to or or don't feel like getting up to work out because I wasted so much I don't know, other energy doing other things instead of sticking to my time block schedule that I made.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

Yeah, it's building predict everything, but yeah, it's building better habits, it's just like Peter Sage said, it's it's getting rid of the stuff that shouldn't be in you and getting better things inside you. What are you consuming? What are you watching? What are you listening to? Because mainstream media is out there to trigger your amygdala. I mean, that's that's what it is. So, what what are we choosing to do? And environment is gonna trump will. He said that too, and that was that was very profound. Environment will always trump will. It doesn't matter what your intent is and how motivated you feel, it's what is around you and who is around you. Absolutely. What what does your inner circle look like? Yeah. Because if you know you're around people that speak negative and you continue to be around them, you're going to be toxic.

SPEAKER_01 37:20

Yeah, because like we said, your subconscious brain is it can't help but to remember it and keep it sores everything.

SPEAKER_00 37:26

If you're hanging out with eight smokers, more than likely you're gonna end up smoking. If you hang out, yeah, if I mean it's it's it's who are you surrounding yourself with? What does your environment look like? Because that's always it's always gonna trump your motivation and your will.

SPEAKER_01 37:47

Yeah, and I think there's a net there. I'm sorry. Go ahead. There's a Netflix show out there. I cannot remember what it's called, but it's like different segments of showing you things. I would if I can remember, I'll put it in um when we post it. But basically, it was showing how the how this media triggers your amygdala amygdala, right? And it was like a depiction of people behind these screens for each person in their phone. And it would be like, oh, they like this. Let's show them more of that. Oh my gosh, such and such hasn't touched his phone today. Let's make this girl that he liked her picture an hour ago pop up on his notifications. And sure enough, he goes and picks up his phone and he looks at it because that girl popped up. He's like, Oh my gosh, this person hasn't touched this social media in a while. Let's make a notification show up. And it was just like they were the per the point was that they were purposely creating your algorithm, they were purposely trigging your I can't say the damn word. What? Amygdala?

SPEAKER_00 38:53

Amygdala. My god, what were you trying to say? You just what you just said it a minute ago. My guys are talking too fast and I couldn't see my camera.

SPEAKER_01 39:06

Oh my gosh. Anyways, our point is is that they were they showed a live depiction of how they show your amygdala and how they purposely create your algorithm. Yeah, and how they know what you like 10 days ago, and they will bring it up again a month later on purpose.

SPEAKER_00 39:24

It's it's wild. It's it's all about getting your your attention. And most of it, especially coming from the news, is gonna be more negative. I mean, so it's it's be it and that's what I also say about environment. It's be mindful what you're what you're putting in, not like putting in your body, of course, like food nutrition, but also what information are you putting in your body? What are you reading? What are you listening to? And if you are attending growth classes and listening to podcasts and reading, you know, leadership books and all that, well, that's great, but you also need to apply that and practice it and build those habits because it's going to be very quick to it's gonna be very easy to go back into the default mode and go back into that autopilot and very quickly fall back into algorithms and and those not so great habits. Yeah, so interesting. All right, so self number three truth about self-love is self-love is boundaried love. And we talked about that, we talked about that last week, and that was also about your values, your integrity, what you're aligned with. Yeah, what else with that one?

SPEAKER_01 40:53

Um, so when we say boundaried love, though, if we're talking about self-love, oh yeah, because that because yeah, it last week we talked about how creating boundaries within your relationship is self-love. Yeah, um okay, I'm tracking now. Yeah, we did talk about that.

SPEAKER_00 41:09

And how and that comes from number one, which was the identity anchoring, number two, which is the emotional intelligence, and now it's understanding when you understand your identity and you build your anchors, and then you have the emotional intelligence, understanding why you feel a certain way, why things are like this, then it's okay. Now you can have boundaried love. That makes more sense, I guess. Yeah, that does, yeah. This works for me. This works for me, this doesn't work for me. I care about you, and also I care about me. You're not losing yourself.

SPEAKER_01 41:45

Yeah. The XYZ method that we talked about last week.

SPEAKER_00 41:49

Yeah, it's just you not losing yourself, it's caring about somebody else and also caring about you, and that is okay. It's that secure attachment, it's not selfish, it's regulated, it's clear, it's boundaried, and that's what creates safety, not dependency.

SPEAKER_01 42:10

Yeah, and plus you don't you have to have the one and two to make three out of the choice, because you don't want to set toxic boundaries or really fall into toxicity when you're trying to set a boundary. But you can't set a boundary if you don't understand identity, self-love, anchoring, all the things that we just talked about.

SPEAKER_02 42:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:38

You ready for a detour? Let's do it. Detour. Let's do a detour. Oh, I got the detour. You got the detour. You're like looking at me, I'm like, what, what, what, what? All right. We are just doing uh for the listeners, we're just doing these talking points conversations with purpose. I do these with my son sometimes. They have a kids version. And then and then I'm doing the family one, which is like a fun and random kind of topic. Let's see. Would you rather be able to fly or turn invisible? So that's a what did you rather?

SPEAKER_01 43:35

Turn invisible. I don't know why. Yeah, why? Maybe because you can fly on a plane. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 43:44

Oh if I could go fast, like super fast, I would want to be able to fly.

SPEAKER_01 43:51

Yeah. I don't know. I just keep thinking about that um old school show where she used to melt down, turn invisible, and like slither along. I can't think of what her name is, but there was a like a Nickelodeon show or something about it. And I think that's why I chose that.

SPEAKER_00 44:08

Yeah. What's one special talent you would like to have? Or you wish you had?

SPEAKER_01 44:20

I wish I could sing. Me too! Oh my god. You wouldn't be able to stop me if I could sing.

SPEAKER_00 44:31

I wish I could sing.

SPEAKER_01 44:34

Yeah, sing and play the piano. I wouldn't. You wouldn't be able to stop me. I would have conversations in song.

SPEAKER_00 44:39

Look, okay, so let's be real. I do you can you can learn to play the piano. I don't know if you can learn to have a great voice, but you can learn to play the piano. Make that a goal.

SPEAKER_01 44:52

Yeah, it's still a talent though, but yeah, singing would be the top.

SPEAKER_00 44:56

Yes. I remember when I was like in elementary school and I would be in the choir, in the chorus, and it would be, oh Kelly, you're the alto. Like the oh oh. I hated that. I'm like, I want to be up front and I want to sing. I want the microphone. Yeah. So now, so I guess like we don't sing, we talk. You know, like this is the consider it singing, but just not singing well. This is the that's the thing, is some people play instruments, some people play sports. Tara and I speak. I don't know, or we try, or we try. Yeah. Oh my god, it's so funny. We both want to sing. Oh, I wish I had a great voice. I'd be singing all the time.

SPEAKER_01 45:47

Because I already sing all the time. Yeah. It would be worse. I would be on every karaoke. My mom just sent my son in karaoke machines like this big old speaker with these two microphones, it's legit. Oh, I heard him on that. God bless him. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:03

But hearing us both has to be terrible. Jordan is the same way. He does he sings all the time and he's got the worst voice. He better not listen to this episode. I can't have him listen to this episode. He's got the worst voice. We love you anyway, sweetie. Oh, I love you, bud. I love you, bud. Oh, God. Oh, if you could speak another language, which would you choose?

SPEAKER_01 46:27

I know what yours is.

SPEAKER_00 46:29

Oh, I know. Love it, I love it, I love it, I love it.

SPEAKER_01 46:34

Yours is Italian, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 46:36

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_01 46:37

Yeah. It's beautiful. It probably, I don't know. I I think I just want to speak Spanish, and I don't I mean, I would love to speak Spanish fluently to speak Spanish now.

SPEAKER_00 46:50

Yeah, Spanish would definitely be up there for me too. Oh gosh, this is interesting. Which of your five senses would you be saddest to lose? Oh god.

SPEAKER_01 47:03

I can't pick. Well, I lost this um being able to smell before because of COVID.

SPEAKER_00 47:11

Yeah, me too. And taste. That was terrible. Thanksgiving. How did I not taste or smell anything on Thanksgiving? Yeah, okay. So we've been there, done that with we can't pick that one. Maybe hearing. Can you imagine not being able to be a part of the conversation? Yeah, mine would be sight. Well, we're you already answered this one. Um, which musical instrument would be coolest to play? I agree with you. I I would love to play the piano.

SPEAKER_01 47:42

Yeah, I love the piano. My favorite issue is the saxophone, but I don't think I want to play it. You gotta wet the reed and all that nasty stuff. But the piano, yeah. Is there a read on a saxophone? Oh either way, that's it.

SPEAKER_00 47:59

This is funny. Would you rather be funnier, smarter, or more athletic?

SPEAKER_01 48:08

You're all three. I know. That's what I'm saying. Like I'm kind of all three too. You are all three. Alright, so we're good there. We're good there. What if you had to pick I think I'd rather be funnier.

SPEAKER_00 48:24

Pretty athletic. I I would ra I I think I'm pretty funny, so I I don't need to be funnier. And I I'm pretty athletic. I don't need I would want to be sp smarter.

SPEAKER_01 48:38

I'm gonna be funnier. I'm funny, but can you rather than just go all day belly left? Oh yeah, that'd be great. Be in trouble though.

SPEAKER_00 48:48

Okay, I'll do one more. Do you have tattoos?

SPEAKER_02 48:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 49:00

Oh, okay. Well, if you get a new tattoo, what would it be of?

SPEAKER_01 49:09

Something around revolver my son. Because I've been saying that for five years and haven't done it. Do it! I'm particular about where it placed them because I don't want to like get huge one day, get pregnant. Oh, that ain't gonna happen. But I'm just saying, like, you know, I just don't want like it to be all weird. I don't know. I'm worried about the placement, so I've been thinking for five years.

SPEAKER_00 49:32

Yeah. Do it. Damn, pick another one. I would get a Buffalo Bills tattoo. Do you have any? And what? You have tattoos, right? Yeah. Oh. I would get a Buffalo Bills tattoo, and like you, I've been talking about it for years, and because I don't know where to put it.

SPEAKER_01 49:54

Exactly. You definitely should do it. I'm surprised you don't have Mari.

SPEAKER_00 49:59

I know. That's probably why they haven't won the Super Bowl. As soon as you should do it, I should do it. Yep. It's all lining up. Alright. Did I say that was the last one? Let's do last one. This one is a food one. But I don't know if I want to do that one. Which TV show would you pick to live inside for a week?

SPEAKER_01 50:35

I don't know. I'm just gonna say the first thing that came to my head, and I do not know why. The golden girls. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 50:43

What? You would be so bored.

SPEAKER_01 50:47

It doesn't came to mind. It was the first thing that came to mind with the golden girls, and I don't know why. I don't watch TV though. Let me think of another. What about you? You go first while I think.

SPEAKER_00 50:56

I it would definitely have to be one of the real housewives. Oh yeah, that would be awesome. Probably like Salt Lake City, maybe. I don't know. I don't know the look, I don't know the location, but I think definitely uh one of the one of the real housewives because they like live glamorous and all the drama and just one week, let me do it.

SPEAKER_01 51:19

Oh, I would have I hate reality TV, literally hate it. Yeah, I mean, I don't I think HG TV, like one of them shows, and then I can go around and do pretend to buy these houses and fix them up and flip them, and oh, that would be fun.

SPEAKER_00 51:40

Yeah, there you go.

SPEAKER_01 51:41

There we go. Not the Golden Girls. I was joking, it but it was the first thing that came to my mind. Don't know why.

SPEAKER_00 51:46

Yeah, I guess I'd want something just totally out there, but in a good location. I loved Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, that was probably one of my favorites, and Atlanta, but been there, done that. So live down the street. Yeah, it's linked right there. Um, all right, let's hop back on the trail. Let's talk tools. What do we want to do for tools?

SPEAKER_01 52:14

Let's see.

SPEAKER_00 52:16

I definitely think like uh looking at emotional intelligence when we talk about all of this, you can wrap it up with emotional intelligence and and maybe even taking even a free emotional intelligence assessment and seeing where where you kind of land in the different in the different competencies. And and it's gonna fluctuate, right? It's not like a personality test where your personality doesn't change really. It's um it's how you manage your emotions and also understand the emotions of other people. So I I think that is one tool is understanding emotional intelligence and maybe working on yours through an assessment and strengthening those competencies.

SPEAKER_01 53:01

Yeah, sure.

SPEAKER_00 53:03

And then of course, finding a good coach.

SPEAKER_01 53:06

Yeah, yeah, I know too. Yeah, yeah. Kelly was out of coaching, leading people out of the city. I think finding the tools, we'll be your tools. We can be tools. Um, but no, in all seriousness, though, having a good coach is helpful because they don't tell you what to do and who you are, they help you figure that out. So I think even if you don't choose us, which is helpful. And then I think one of the tools we have here um is the mirror question. Oh, yeah. Uh, what would someone who loves themselves do right now? Is the question is is one of the mirror questions.

SPEAKER_00 53:50

Yeah.

unknown 53:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:51

Like so when you're finding your yourself falling in those negative thoughts or identity crisis or not loving yourself, what would someone who loves themselves do right now? Is the mirror question.

SPEAKER_00 54:05

Yep. Yeah, also um, identity anchors, James Clear, which we've talked about James Clear before with atomic habits and building those habits. Identity-based habits. So that's also how you strengthen your anchors and understand your identities. What habits do you have? So that is one, right? Three identity statements.

SPEAKER_01 54:30

And then also these I didn't the identity statements. I have that in my book as well. Oh I just it, I just realized it looking at it now. I am someone who blah blah blah. Yeah. I like the identity anchors.

SPEAKER_00 54:47

And then I think the last one, always the thought downloads.

SPEAKER_02 54:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 55:00

Is that it? That's good tools. Yeah, I think those are good tools. We don't want to overwhelm them.

SPEAKER_00 55:06

So a coach, understanding emotional intelligence, learning about emotional intelligence and the different competencies, and kind of where you fall so you know how to improve. The mirror question, what would somebody do who loves themselves? What would someone who loves them, love themselves do right now? And then identity statements. You can look up uh James Clear Identity-based habits and um your thought downloads, which is circumstance happens, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? What are you doing or not doing? And that's all going to lead to the results that you're getting or not getting. Done it? Yep, that's it. All right. Thank you all. Uh, we'll see you next time on Trail Talks. Thanks for joining us. Before we wrap up, if today's conversation resonated with you, you don't have to walk your journey alone. I offer emotional intelligence assessments with personalized coaching, one-on-one mindset coaching, and leadership development for teams and organizations. You can explore all of that at Kellymichelle Coaching.com, linked in the show notes. And I'll leave you with this awareness is powerful, but support is transformational.