The Silence That Breaks Trust

Not all harm in leadership comes from what’s said.

Sometimes… it’s what isn’t said.

In this solo episode, I talk about a form of leadership that often goes unnoticed—silence that breaks trust. The moments where leaders stay quiet when something needs to be addressed. When people are treated poorly, when tension is obvious, when something feels off… and nothing is said.

I share why this weighs so heavy on me—because people come to me for support. And when they do, it’s not small stuff. It’s the kind of things that keep you up at night… watching people carry things they shouldn’t have to carry alone.

We’ll get into:

• Why silence can feel like approval
• How avoidance erodes trust over time
• The emotional weight leaders carry (and don’t always talk about)
• The difference between being emotionally comfortable vs. emotionally steady
• And what it actually looks like to show up when it matters

This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present. Aware. Willing.

Because leadership isn’t just about what you say…
 It’s about what you’re willing to say when it counts.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey everyone, welcome back to Trail Talks, the podcast where we talk about growth, the messy, the beautiful, and everything in between. I'm your host, Killing Trigger, founder of Tele Michelle Coaching, where we focus on mindset, emotional intelligence, and leadership. All grounded in real life and real science. And joining me is my co-host and partner in growth, founder of LLC Terrace Connect, a leadership trainer and facilitator who brings insight, curiosity, and real-world perspective to every episode. So wherever you're listening from today, we're glad you're here and thank you for joining us on the Trail. She was very busy this weekend. Look forward to getting her back. She'll be back in a few days. This is really awkward to do this without her. It's very odd. I've already had technical difficulties and have already had to restart this several times. I miss you, Tara. I need you here. Uh yeah, pretty hard to do this without her, but I look forward to getting her back in a few days along with some guests and very excited for the content that we're going to be releasing in a few weeks. Um, hey, so I want to talk about something today that if I'm being honest, has been sitting with me for probably a while. And I think it sits with a lot of people, but we don't always say it out loud. We're sometimes on the receiving end of it, or we hear about somebody on the receiving end of it, or we witness it, and we don't really talk about it. We don't bring it up. So people come to me for support. And I don't take that lightly. I don't, and I think part of the reason they do is because over the years, I've tried to show up for people. I may not have all the answers, but I care. And they know I care. And I'm not tooting my horn really for anybody that knows me. And if you're listening or watching, it's because you know me. For anyone that knows me, they know I'm as humble as can be. And it is a gift when people come to you, whether it's for coaching or advice or mentorship, or just a simple answer to a question, resources, or to even vent. It's an honor, and I want to help them. It's like that Colin Powell quote. I'm gonna read it here. It's one of my favorite leadership quotes: the day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them. They have either lost confidence that you can help them or concluded that you do not care. Either case is a failure of leadership. Such a great quote, and so very true. And look, I I am not perfect. Uh I have let people down. There have been times where people have needed me and I have not shown up, and I know that. And probably some of those reasons why I wasn't able to show up was because I I did not have the capacity, and I may have been at a low point. And it's kind of like that. Another quote is you can't give what you don't have. So it's really important that you have that self-awareness and you continue to work on yourself in terms of your leadership too. But I can honestly say, like, I I've rarely looked the other way when someone has needed my support. And because of that, it it weighs on me. Because most of the time they're coming to me, it's after they've been treated poorly. And I want to fix it for them. I mean, I feel it, it's disappointing. I have felt angry, and I just I want to fix it for them. And sometimes we we can't, but we can still do something about it, and that's have the conversation. So let me ask you this. Have you ever been told no and never told why? And not like in a small situation, I don't want to talk about relationships. That'll be in a separate episode. But this is about your workplace, your career, your professional life. Have you ever been told no and never told why? Because we've been told no, and no is okay. That's okay. But it's the silence behind it. So I'm talking about at a level where you know you've put in the time, you've done the work, and the answer comes back no, and that's it. There's no explanation, there's no feedback, and there's no clarity, just silence. That kind of silence, it does something to people, and that's what I'm gonna talk about. What that silence does to somebody, why the silence happens, and what we as leaders owe the people we lead. So before we get started and what the silence does, there was a an article that I just saw from Psychology today, and it talked about feedback. And they had, I'm gonna look it up right now as I'm talking. I'm sorry. I won't go through it in detail, but it talked about feedback and it showed a critical feedback matrix. So imagine it a two by two box with four quadrants, and there's two axes. One is caring, helpful, the other is uncaring, unhelpful. So, in for this particular conversation that we're having, I'm talking about more of the uncaring, unhelpful. So, what that silence does to somebody. Let's start there. Because this isn't just about frustration, this is about how the brain processes rejection without explanation. So imagine whatever it is that you did. So whatever it is that that you were told no, it could have been applying for a job, applying for a promotion in your company. Maybe you were up for promotion and you weren't selected. So just fill in those gaps if you've ever experienced this. And and folks, this isn't a personal experience of mine. Yes, I have experienced rejection, but I think I've just been through so much that that I can coach myself through it. I understand, you know, things happen for a reason. Um, and we are right where we are supposed to be. And I take the know as data, and I take a leader's behavior as data as well. And um, and we'll talk about that a little later. So, this is about how the brain processes rejection without explanation. And there's neuroscience behind this. Tara and I talked about this a couple episodes ago, and there was a study done uh many years ago about social rejection. And when this group of people were excluded from the activity, there was a region of the brain that lit up. And it's the same area of the brain as physical pain. And it's the anterior, cingulate, cortex, and the insula. So the same regions that light up when you like burn your hand on a stove light up when you feel socially rejected. So when someone gets told no with no explanation, or I mean, I gotta add in there, or it's explanation with absolutely no clarity. Or it's silence, or you're ignored. So when someone gets told no with no explanation, no why behind it, no clarity, their brain doesn't just go, okay, I didn't, I didn't meet the criteria. It's all good. It goes, what did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? Did I miss something? Is it me? What's wrong with me? And when there's no answer, because they don't have the answer, the brain fills in the gaps. And the brain is gonna fill them with negativity because then doubt creeps in and doubt does not serve us well. Confidence will erode and people start questioning their value, it it affects their mental health, folks. And here's the kicker it's not the no that causes the damage. We know no is gonna happen. It's inevitable. It's inevitable. It's like the Rolling Stone song. You can't always get what you want. Got it. But it's the lack of closure. That's the kicker. We don't close that loop. So why this happens? So let's be fair. Let's look at both sides. For leaders, decisions might have to be fast, especially higher levels of leadership, you know, whatever. Um, decisions may have to be made fast, they might be complex, risk-based. Got it. And leaders are often relying on experience, perception, informal input, and could be limited time. So then what happens? Sometimes those leaders will default to making the decision without closing the loop. Not always out of bad intent. I'm sure they have good intent, but out of time constraints, maybe discomfort with hard conversations or a belief that person will figure it out. Now I want to go back to that. Because what we're doing is is giving excuses right now. Shouldn't be time constraints. I was just watching one of John Maxwell's YouTube videos. I mean, he's got so many, and yeah, he's just a phenomenal leader. Get a lot of great nuggets out of him. And he talked about kind of like somebody's time management and battle rhythm. And he puts it in three buckets, and it's it's kind of simple, so you'll have to build it out a little more, but he calls it his three Rs. And the first one are the tasks that you're required to do, the have-to's. The second are those tasks where you get a return on investment, and the third are the tasks that bring you reward. So it's required, return on investment, and reward. So when we talk about time constraints, when it comes to giving somebody feedback and having an opportunity to mentor them and help them grow and develop, that is required. That is a have to for leaders. You make that time. When you build out your calendar, that should be the priority. Nothing else. That should be it. It's people. So I do not believe time constraint is an excuse, is a good excuse. Helping people grow and giving them feedback and helping develop them, that is required. And then guess what? You're gonna get the return on investment because you're building credibility for yourself and helping somebody grow. Discomfort with hard conversations, I believe that. I believe it's very easy to say that feedback is important and we got to normalize hard conversations, but it's another thing to actually do it. I do believe people are put in leadership positions that have a hard time with hard conversations. And discomfort is the price of growth. We know that. So what's the way to what's the best way to be comfortable with having hard conversations? Have hard conversations. Learn how to have hard conversations. And then you don't even have to put the word hard in there. You just learn to have conversations. Just like, you know, sometimes the crucial conversations, get rid of the word crucial. It's have a conversation. There is a nice way to do it. There is a helpful way to do it. That'll be in another episode. When we talk about how to give feedback, how to communicate with somebody, how to coach somebody. So, yes, they could be uncomfortable with having hard conversations. And sometimes you could tell that because even if you get feedback and they talk for five minutes and you get nothing out of it, like there's no clarity at all, then that person was not ready for a conversation. They don't know how to have a hard conversation. So time constraints, discomfort with hard conversations or a belief, assumption, we shouldn't assume, that they'll figure it out. That they'll think that person that was told no will will have enough self-awareness and self-reflection to know why that no was delivered. Don't assume. Some of us do. Some of us know why why there's a no, but not everybody does. So no, not out of bad intent. So it could be out of time constraints, discomfort with hard conversations, or a belief that they'll figure it out. But here's the problem Silence is not neutral. It's gonna send a message. And that message is you are not worth the explanation. You are not worth the feedback. You are not worth my time. You are not worth having a hard conversation with. You are not worth me being uncomfortable. Even if that's not what the leader meant, that's absolutely what is received. And the cost of that, this is where it matters. Because the cost of that silence is bigger than one decision. It impacts a few things. Number one, trust. And trust is foundational. People stop trusting the process, they stop trusting leadership, and eventually, because of what the silence does to them, they stop trusting themselves. It also impacts development. But if that person doesn't know why they receive that no, if they don't know what that gap is, how can they get better? As leaders, that is our number one responsibility is to develop leaders. And every time you have an opportunity to give feedback, you are developing a leader. So how can they get better? You you when you uh deliver silence, you have taken away that person's ability to grow. And that's why why leaders exist to build other leaders. It also impacts engagement because good people, high performers, they're gonna start to disengage. Not because they're weak, but because they're confused and unsupported. It also impacts culture. And over time, it's gonna create a culture where people rely on back channels, where perception is gonna outweigh performance, and leadership is gonna feel very distant. Let me say this clearly the most dangerous thing in leadership is not a no, it's a no with silence behind it. All right, let's take a detour. Okay, we'll get back to that in a few minutes. Man, I don't like doing a detour without Tara. Tara, I miss you. But uh, I like to stay consistent as much as I can. So in every episode, we take a little detour, have some fun, and then I'm gonna hop back on the trail to continue talking about the silence that breaks trust and um and our way forward with that, with the leadership standard. So, hey, Easter is coming up in a couple of weeks, and one Easter tradition is filling up baskets for kids uh with a lot of Easter candy. So I am going to rank um my favorite Easter candy, and I'm gonna go with top 10. And I'm sure you've heard of all of them, and you may agree or disagree with some. That is okay, you can feel how you want to feel. So I'm gonna start with number 10, the good old jelly beans. So it's so to me, like I can do small doses, but to there's something about the words jelly and and beans like coming together, it just doesn't sit right with me. I can have a few and then I'm done. And honestly, like I don't even trust them anymore because of all the different like wacky and gross and weird flavors there are like farts and boogers and soap. I don't even know what's going on, but I feel like like with all of that, they kind of ruined a uh a mid-candy. It's pretty good. Yeah, don't know why. But anyway, it's number 10. Sorry, jelly beans. Number nine, now, so to give the jelly bean a little boost, my number nine are the Starburst jelly beans. Because they kind of fixed the jelly bean with the Starburst jelly bean. Just the word Starburst on it helped it problem solved. Definitely flavor upgrade, no weird surprises. So safe jelly bean, go for the Starburst. All right, number eight, we're gonna start getting into like the egg-shaped candy. Robin's eggs, the Whoppers, pretty good, pretty solid. If you like Whoppers, I do in the candy and the burger form. Thank you. Uh, we are in business, just not higher on my list. They're very good, just not higher because there's other better egg-shaped options out there that I'll talk about. But definitely crunchy, nostalgic, great effort. Thank you, Robin. Eggs Wappers. Number seven is the solid chocolate bunny. It'll last you a while and you're excited when you first start digging in. But honestly, like you really probably don't finish it, especially if it's like a big solid chocolate bunny. Um, at some point, it's just like, okay, I've had enough. Let me go to something else. But again, solid effort, just sort of commitment candy when there's other candy around. Hey, mine number six, and this might be at the top of your list, the iconic Cadbury cream eggs. Yeah. I think it was like at the top of my list when I was a kid. So people either love these or they're just too sweet and they're just too sweet for me. Either like bite straight into that thing, or you sip the cream and it could be messy. Anyway, it's very good. I'm just like one and done with those. My number five, the Reese's peanut butter egg. Oh my God. It's like the best peanut butter to chocolate ratio, way better than regular Reese's. Um, more peanut butter. It's great uh seasonal event with the peanut butter egg. So good. Keep it coming. Um, number four, classic Easter MMs, Easter colors. You know what you're getting. They do the job. They don't try to be anything that they're not, no special flavors, mad respect for Easter MMs. So number three is the hollow chocolate bunny. This is the mood. It's like the quality of the chocolate is not why. It's not elite chocolate, but it's about the experience of just like ripping off an ear, just like biting off an ear. You're just like tearing through the thing. It's a lot of fun. So the hot hollow chocolate bunny, way to go. Number two, oh, you're either gonna hate me or love me. I gotta go with peeps, y'all. You either love it or you question us that do. I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm not like eating a whole box, but I do love the sugar crunch on the outside with the marshmallow inside. I love that. And the colors and the flavors are fun. I respect the creativity. So give it up for the peeps. And number one, oh, these are so good. I have not gotten them yet. And every time I'm in the store, I see them and I'm I don't know why. I'm just like, I'm not ready for it because I know I'm gonna crush the bag. The mini Cadbury eggs. They're so good. No debate on my end. Crunchy outside, chocolate inside, perfect. You can eat a handful, or what I do is just eat one and I just let it sit and I savor that thing. Oh, so good. Elite candy right there. The mini Cadbury eggs are my favorite, number one. All right. Okay, hopping back on the trail. All right, so now I want to break this down and I want to break it down for the person on the receiving end of the silence. And I also want to break it down for the leader. So for the person that is on the receiving end of that silence or unclear feedback or confusion, we will tend to anchor to injustice because our brain is gonna be in that loop because we're constantly gonna ask, what is wrong with me? And you're gonna lose that confidence. Your self-esteem is gonna drop. And then also on the other end, it's this shouldn't have happened. It wasn't fair, and they shouldn't have done that. Not the no, but the no with silence. You're gonna be in that loop of what's wrong, what's unfair, and what you wish were different. And that's human, but it's gonna keep your brain in a loop. So, from a neuroscience standpoint, your brain is flagging a threat to fairness and status, that social pain, that social pain or rejection is processed similarly to physical pain. Your brain just literally reacts like you've been hurt. The more you replay it, the more. You're going to reinforce that neural pathway. And that neural pathway is going to get stronger and it's just going to replay and replay. It's not going to help you. You stay in emotion. It's going to affect your mental health. And you're going to stay in rumination. And that's that loop. Staying in that emotion, and that rumination is not going to move you forward. There will be no movement. It's not fair. You deserve better. We leaders owe that to you. So instead of anchoring to injustice, which you probably will in the beginning, anchor to reality. And anchoring to reality means you shift to this is what actually happened. I may not like it, but it is what it is. And given that this is the situation, what do I do next? You're focusing on facts, not fairness. Because the reality is it happened. And the reality is not every leader or every person in a leadership position is effective. Not every leader can have a hard conversation. And not every leader puts people first. Anchor to reality. When you anchor to reality and you make the decision to move forward, and you make the decision to be a better leader and never put somebody in that situation, you'll get that return on investment. You will build your credibility. You will build trust with people, and people will trust you. Use it as a lesson moving forward so you can be a better leader. So anchoring to injustice, anchor to reality, anchor to injustice. There's the key distinction. Injustice is this isn't fair. It's the emotion-driven loop. You're stuck in the past. And you give that person all your power. I want you to keep your power. And when you anchor to reality, you say, This is what happened. Fact-based clarity, focus on your next step and keep that power for yourself. That power is going to come back to you. You're going to need that power as you move forward. When you have that reality anchor, that, hey, a simple example. Decision was made. I don't agree with it. Now what are my options? Now, with that reality anchor, you can have a professional conversation. You move forward professionally. You adjust your strategy. You position yourself better. And you make that decision whether to stay, grow, or move. And trust me, when I say anchor to reality instead of anchor to injustice, it's not about ignoring injustice or accepting poor behavior or being passive. That's not what it's about. It's about not letting injustice hijack your agency. You don't have to agree with the reality, but you do have to deal with it. And injustice keeps you stuck in the storm. It's going to keep you stuck. But the reality is going to show you which way to move through it. And I, and many great leaders that are out there, will help you move through it. And we want you to move through it. So that's for the people on the receiving end of that silence. Now let's talk about the leadership standard. So what do we do with this? Because we don't control every system we operate in, but we do control how we lead inside of it. And for me, this is the standard. This is the standard that I want to be held to and I want to hold myself to. If I'm in a position to make a decision about somebody, I owe them clarity. Not perfection. Anyone that owes me, they know I don't speak perfectly. Not perfection, not a 10-page explanation, but clarity. And to do that, we make a commitment. Number one, close that loop. If you think it's too late, it is not too late. You close that loop. You make the time. If I say no, I will tell you why. Because clarity is respect and you are worth it. You are worth my time. Number two, don't leave people guessing. Don't let people sit with uncertainty. Uncertainty creates stories in people's minds. And those stories are not going to help them. They're rarely helpful. And develop, don't just assess. If someone isn't ready, help them get there. You help them fill the gap. Do not shut that door. As leaders, we are responsible. Yes, the person is responsible for their own growth, but so are we. Leaders develop leaders. So close the loop. Clarity is respect. Don't leave people guessing. Don't let people sit with uncertainty and develop. Don't just assess. It is your responsibility to develop leaders. Help them fill the gap. Hey, let me leave you with this. Leadership is not just about the decisions we make, it's about how people experience those decisions. And sometimes the difference between a leader people trust and a leader people question is just one conversation. Remember, silence is not neutral. Silence sends a message. So if this resonated with you, if you've ever experienced that silence, just know you are not alone. And if you're in a position of leadership, man, let's do better. Let's close the loop. Okay, we'll see you next time on Trail Talks. Thanks for joining me. Before we wrap up, if today's conversation resonated with you, you don't have to walk your journey alone. I offer emotional intelligence assessments with personalized coaching, one-on-one mindset coaching, and leadership development for teams and organizations. You can explore all of that at Kellymichelle Coaching.com. Link in the show notes. And I'll leave you with this. Awareness is powerful, but support is transformational.