Forgiven People - Forgiving People Part 2

Forgiven People - Forgiving People Part 2

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12 v.18)

The first talk in this series clarified what forgiveness actually is: that is causes debt (what will I do with a wrong that has happened?) and damage (what has the wrong done to me?)

Forgiveness deals with the debt. It is the costly, Christ-shaped decision not to repay harm for harm—to refuse revenge, to lay down the right to weaponise the wrong, and to entrust justice to God.

In this talk we go a little further and face the honest tension that we often feel: I've forgiven… but things still don't feel okay. There may still be awkwardness, caution, pain, or distance. This can make us wonder whether the forgiveness we have offered was real at all and this is because beyond debt and damage, sin creates distrust and distance.

Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Forgiveness says, "I will not hold this against you." Trust says, "I am beginning to believe you are becoming safe again."

Trust takes time. It grows through consistent, visible change—not just words. That means someone can be truly forgiven and yet still need boundaries, time, and space for trust to be rebuilt. This is not a failure of grace, but an honest recognition of reality.

Damage takes time to heal. Forgiveness can happen in a moment, but healing is a process. It is not pretending nothing happened or forgetting the past but reaching a place where the wound no longer controls us. Even Jesus rose with scars—no longer signs of defeat, but of redeeming love.

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.

Forgiveness is one-sided – someone has been injured and takes the decision to forgive. Reconciliation requires both the person who has been injured and the one who inflicted the harm. It involves honesty, repentance, and the slow rebuilding of something new—not simply returning to what was before. Scripture is realistic: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18). Sometimes, it is not possible. Sometimes, it is not wise.

Real change is not just recognition or apology, but repentance that bears fruit—a visible turning, lived out over time, and, where possible, restitution which is a willingness to take responsibility and seek to make things right, without demanding a particular outcome.

Putting it all together, we arrived at a fuller picture:

• Forgiveness deals with the debt
• Repentance and trust address the distrust
• Healing and restitution address the damage
• Reconciliation addresses the distance

These things are connected—but not identical.

So, if you've ever thought:

"I forgave, so why am I still hurting?"
"Why am I still cautious?"
"Why are things not back to normal?"

The answer is simple: forgiveness is not the whole process—it is the beginning of it.

You can see past sermons on the Leominster Baptist Church website at  Leominster Baptist Church - YouTube and can contact us directly with your feedback or queries through the Contact Us link at the top of the episode description text.

Leominster Baptist Church can be found on Etnam Street in Leominster, Herefordshire. To find out more about us, visit our website leobc.co.uk. If you would like to speak to someone about anything that you have heard on our podcasts please give us a call and ask for a chat.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. That's Romans 12, verse 18. The first talk in this series clarified what forgiveness actually is. That is, it causes debt. What will I do with a wrong that's happened? And damage. What has the wrong actually done to me? Forgiveness deals with the debt. It is the costly, Christ-shaped decision not to repay harm for harm, to refuse revenge, to lay down the right to weaponize the wrong and to entrust justice to God. In this talk, we go a little further and face the honest tension that we often feel. I've forgiven, but things still don't feel okay. There may still be awkwardness, caution, pain, or distance. This can make us wonder whether the forgiveness we have offered was real at all. And this is because beyond debt and damage, sin creates distrust and distance. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Forgiveness says, I would hold this against you. Trust says, I'm beginning to believe you are becoming safe again. So if you've ever thought, I forgave, so why am I still hurting? Why am I still cautious? Why are things not back to normal? The answer is simple. Forgiveness is not the whole process, it's the beginning of it. Let's dive into God's word.

SPEAKER_00 1:30

If you were here last week, we began this three-part series we're doing called Forgiven People, Forgiving People, where we're looking at the topic of forgiveness. Um, last week we tried to narrow down what forgiveness actually was. I know many of you, uh I felt like a bit of a celebrity because I put this lovely chart on the screen and people taking pictures of me. Um I can see it also. We're going to send them out at some point so you can have a look at them. Uh, but what we tried to do last week was really narrow down what forgiveness was. And I know for many of you it that wasn't an easy topic, uh, that it was a difficult thing to go through. Um my aim, by the way, isn't to make it hard, it's actually to make it easier than we realise. If you remember last week we talked about forgiveness, and we said this is the process of forgiveness, um, but what we often think is that all of this means forgiveness. That when I say I forgive you, I'm saying I forgive you, I cancel the debt, and I won't repay evil. I I trust you, I feel okay about it, I feel good about it, and I want things to go back to the way they were before. And we said that often the reason we we we struggle with forgiveness is because we think it involves all of that. So many people say I can't forgive. And what they mean is I can't trust, and I can't feel okay about it because it was wrong, and I can't go back to normal. And what we said last week was that's okay, because that isn't forgiveness. Forgiveness is forgiveness, it's one part of a process, not the whole part. Forgiveness, as we saw last week, deals with two things: releasing the debt and refusing to pay evil, repay evil for evil. So forgiveness is I'm not gonna make you pay, and I'm not going to repay. And those two things, that's what forgiveness is centered around. That's what it does, the illustrations that Jesus uses to explain what it was. And so we we we did that. But there's also the rest of the chart. Um, if you if you look, there's more going on there. There's recognition and repentance. So this week we're gonna do the whole thing. Um, like I said, this is the simple version. Tonight we're gonna today we're gonna do the footnotes, um, all the bits that try and explain how this works, just to get a clear picture. What do we mean when we forgive? What do we mean about making things right? How does this all work? What does it look like? What are the stumbling blocks? What are the struggles? Because anyone who's had to forgive knows that it isn't easy, that there is difficulties, that there is something in us, something that says, well, what if they they they never get called to account? What if am I just saying I'm writing it off and there's no consequences? Am I saying that what they did was good or right or okay? Am I saying it didn't matter? Am I saying it didn't hurt? What about them? What about their side? How do they experience change and transformation? Uh do I do I pursue that? What does that look like? So all sorts of things and complications that come up with forgiveness. Today we're going to try and get into the nitty-gritty. For next week, we look at the idea of what it means to be forgiven and what that looks like. And this idea, this idea we often talk about, how can I forgive myself and whether that's a biblical idea or what that looks like and how that might work out in our lives. You happy with that? There we go. Right, this week. So last week we dealt with um the idea that when someone's hurt, there is debt and there is damage. Okay, if you remember, we we have this language where you hurt me and you say, you owe me, and it might be you owe me an apology, it might be you owe me money, it might be you owe me uh the a life that I should have had, you owe me this, whatever it is, we create a debt, and forgiveness is cancelling that debt. We also said there's damage. There are wounds that are taken. And forgiveness is saying, I will not inflict a wound on you because you wounded me. It stops here. Do you remember we said that this is what the cross is about? Jesus takes the final hit, takes the final wound, and says, No more. It ends here. The cycle of violence and repaying evil for evil stops with him. And that's what we're invited to do. But if you're aware of being hurt at any point in your life, you know there are other things going on. There is distrust and there is distance. Look at that, got all the D's in there. What a preacher. Um distrust and distance. When someone hurts us, it isn't just there's debt and damage, there's also this idea of, well, I don't think I can trust you again. You have done something and it makes me suspicious that you might just do it again. You've hurt me, and I feel like you might just hurt me again. You've taken from me, and I think you might take again, and there is distance. There is this separation, this there's something between us. Whether it's an atmosphere in the room or it's physical distance where you've had to separate yourself, there is now something like a wall or a barrier that separates you from me. And that's what the rest of the process tries to deal with. I said, forgiveness is that first part, but there are other things that we we need to deal with, but they aren't forgiveness, they are the next steps. And this is where we're going to get into can we forgive someone but still not feel okay? Can we forgive someone but still not trust them? Because there's still awkwardness, there's still caution, there's still pain, perhaps. What do we do with all those things? Because that's what sin does. It doesn't just create a debt, it doesn't just create damage, it does more than that. And the Bible's picture of sin is sort of very varied. It's not just, as we said last week, it's not just breaking rules, it is also breaking someone's heart. When a marriage breaks up, you don't say, You broke the rules of marriage, you say you broke my heart. When a child offends, it's not you broke the rules of our house. No, you broke my heart. I've loved you and I've cared for you, and you've turned against me. And that's what this is about. There's more than simply a legal framework for this. There's something personal and relational. The questions where we ask, are you safe now? Can I trust you? Will this happen again? And this is why forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. So there we go. The steps go forgiveness, and then there's trust. And trust is saying, I believe you are now becoming safe. And if you noticed, we connect trust with repentance. Now, let me just explain. I'm gonna we're gonna do different sides. So this what side is it? This side's forgiveness, okay? This side's repentance. So there are two sides to this. So one is I'm going to forgive, I'm going to cancel the debt and not repay. And then the other side of that is recognition, which is I recognize that I've done wrong, I recognize that I've hurt, I recognize that there are consequences. Now, if you look, there is a dotted line between the two. Because they should happen together, but sometimes they don't. Sometimes you say, I will not pay you back, and I will not try and make you pay, and the other person never even recognizes they did anything wrong. Last week we said this forgiveness is something you choose to do even if they aren't here. And for some people that's the case. The person they need to forgive isn't alive, isn't around, isn't safe to communicate with. You can still, between you and God, choose to forgive. Choose to say, I cancel the debt and I will not repay. The hope is that they might recognize, but we'll come on to that and how that might look like. The next step is trust. And trust can only happen if there is repentance. And let me just explain the difference. Recognition is I was doing this and I see this is wrong, and now I see that this is right. Okay, so that's recognition. This was wrong and this is right. Repentance is, and now I'm going to do what's right. You see the difference? So one is this was wrong, and I see it. I've turned around, but I'm I'm essentially still in the same spot. I'm not trustworthy just because I recognized it. But repentance is now I'm going to live in that way. It's a change of direction, it's actually doing what you've recognized to be right. The thing is, many people, and we're going to come onto this a bit more, many people think they've repented when actually all they've done is recognized. Lots of people say, Well, I knew I was doing wrong and I realized that was wrong, so now you should trust me. Well, maybe not. Because recognizing something wrong doesn't mean that you're now living in light of it. Trust only comes when someone is living in repentance. When they are producing, John says it like this, he says, produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And so you cannot trust someone if they are still doing the same thing that makes them untrustworthy. In fact, it would be foolish to, it would be wrong to, it'd be calling black, white, and good, bad. You are trustworthy when they aren't trustworthy. But if there is repentance and the fruit of repentance, then trust can gradually start to be rebuilt. Why are we centering on this? Because many of us have been in that situation where we've forgiven someone, but they've carried on making the same choices. And because of our culture, whether it's the way we've been taught or just the desire to love and help people, there is a guilt, an unhelpful guilt that comes with that saying, oh, maybe I should just trust them. Even though there's no evidence of change, even though they haven't made any attempt to be different, I should trust them because that's what forgiveness entails. And part of this series is saying, no, it doesn't. Forgiveness can say, I cancel the debt and I won't repay, but trust can only come if I see the fruit of repentance. I can only trust if I start to see that you are living differently, that you've you've made the change. You've not just recognized it, but you are walking in it and bearing the fruit of repentance. This is part of the wisdom of forgiveness and the process. And many of you, I hope, like I said, I'm trying to make this easier so that we understand what we're talking about. I hope that just frees unhelpful guilt or this burden that you've been carrying where there is someone that you want to forgive, maybe you have chosen to forgive, but you haven't been able to trust, and you feel bad about that, but it's not necessarily a wrong kind of bad. It's right because they are no longer trustworthy. I've shared before, I have three brothers, uh, one who I'm closer to, and two others who who aren't. One that my mum called me the other day has gone back into prison recently for beating up a girlfriend, and I think he's probably nearly 50 years old. And and as a family, we have we have had to wrestle with this. Here is someone who for 50 years has been making choices that make him dangerous, that make him hard to trust, where he is he's manipulated and conned and taken. And so for him to come back into our family's life, we can say we forgive, and we're not gonna try and pursue, we're not trying to repay. But is it wise for us to trust him? Is it wise for my mum to let him into the house when she's on her own? Is it wise for them to welcome him in and do these things? Wisdom would say no. I said, I'm not trying to do this from an ivory tower. These are hard decisions, and that that is a heartbreaking thing to have to say. We can't trust you because the fruit of your life doesn't demonstrate that you are trustworthy. It's not that we don't want to, it's not that we aren't open to it, and that's it. There's a different thing that says we're never going to trust you because we just choose that. No, we would be open to. If there was the fruit of it, if we could see it and we could see the evidence of it, there's an openness, but it can't be there because there is no trustworthy behavior. And so those two things, like I said, they they again they should go together. In an ideal world, in my nice simple will of illustration, they should they go together, but the dotted line says sometimes they don't. In which case you aren't required to trust. You might be open to trust, but they need to repent. The other side, let me go back on this side. The other side, this is interesting because you might be the offender, and you might recognize that you've done wrong, and you might start to make changes. And the temptation there is to say, look, I've realized I'd done wrong. I've tried to make it right, so now you should trust me. And the dotted line works both ways. You cannot demand trust from anyone. And many people, perhaps some here, have been through that. You've you did something and it marked you, it defined you, and you made changes and you did something differently, and they still saw you as untrustworthy. They still said we don't want to know. They still said we can't let you back into our life. Again, that is heartbreaking. But these things aren't, they're not a tool that you can use to demand it. You can't repent and say, Well, now you must trust me. That is out of your hands. So here is the verse for today, a verse I want you to remember. I've quoted it in three different settings this week. Um, Marie and I are constantly using this again and again. It's one for you to remember. It comes from Romans chapter 12, 17 to 19. It starts with this do not repay anyone evil for evil. What's that? That's forgiveness. Okay? Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. So that's the other side. If you've done wrong, do what's right. And then it says this if it is possible, that means it's not always possible. But if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, some things don't depend on you, but as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. If it is possible, it's not always possible, but as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. That that that goes right over this whole process. You may not be able to trust someone, but as far as it depends on you, you can live at peace and say, I'm open to it. If you may not be able to convince someone that you're trustworthy. And there are so many people who've done that. I made the change, I became the person they wanted me to become, and they still said no. And so, what's the point? I may as well just carry on as I was before. No, no, no. Do what is right, as far as it depends on you. It's still the right thing to do, even if it doesn't get the result that you want. It's still right to recognize you're wrong, it's still right to repent and to walk in righteousness, even if the other person is painful. Don't get me wrong, that is a hard thing to take. It is a bitter pill to swallow. But as far as it depends on you, live at peace. You do as much as you can on your side, but you cannot demand the other person does. There may be a point where you have to say, I've done all I can, and now I have to make peace, but this is the way things are. It's not an easy thing, but it's the reality of this. So we're back to this, the trust and repentance. The next part of that is healing and restitution. Um, so healing is I'm feeling okay about this, or I'm feeling better about this. It doesn't sting in the same way. You notice it's actually quite a far way down the list. It means that you might say, I forgive you, but I don't feel like forgiving you. It might feel like I'm not going to repay evil, but I do want to pay repay evil. I don't, I'm not gonna make you pay the debt, but I really I want you to. The feeling doesn't come first, the feeling comes after the choice. And so you may say, Well, I just I can't forgive because it's just I'm too I'm too angry. Good, be angry, but be good and angry. The Bible doesn't say don't be angry, it says in your anger, do not sin. You might be still angry about what they did, angry about the harm, and still be able to choose forgiveness. And then later, the anger may be less, and the pain may be less, and by God's grace and God's work, the sting may be less. It may not hurt in the same way, it may never not hurt, but as we said last week, wounds can become scars, and scars don't hurt in the same way that wounds do. There'll be a time of healing. The other side of that is restitution. So it's an idea we don't often focus on, but in scripture, again and again, we see this. Zacchaeus is a very famous story, we man climbed up a tree, saw Jesus, had his life turned around, and in the story it says, I will repay everyone fourfold from what I took from them. This doesn't fix anything, because there's still people that he took money from, still families that couldn't feed children, still people who were struggling to make a living because of what he did. It didn't undo any of that, but it tries to say, I want to make this as right as I can. That's what restitution is. It's not paying back, it's simply saying, Let me try and make this right, and that can help with the process of healing. Again, it may not always come together, but that's what it is. It's saying, I want to make this right. I want to do something to try and restore what is broken because sin isn't just a relational thing. The Bible talks about it like it leaves a stain like in cultures, in communities. You you know this, we've had this recently, people being attacked. Um, we've we've had young ladies being attacked, and and that that that happened between those two people, but it leaves a stain, doesn't it? It leaves kind of a oh, I don't want to go down that road, or I don't want to walk here, that something's been damaged more than just what happened. And restitution is now, no, I'm going to, I've done this and I'm gonna try and make this right. I'm gonna try and to restore what has been broken. It's not always easy and not always possible, but as far as I can, I want to do this. I want to try and heal and bring healing. Sometimes that isn't appropriate. Sometimes the person that did the damage isn't the right person to bring restitution, so there's a bit of wisdom needed with this. But that healing is is saying that did hurt, but I'm feeling I'm feeling better about it. I'm able to accept it. Now, forgive and forget, let's say this clearly, forgive and forget is not in the Bible. Okay? There is a verse that says, God doesn't bring your sins to mind, doesn't recall them to mind, but it doesn't say God forgets. It says he chooses not to bring them and use them as the way, the lens through which he sees you. That's different. Not bringing something to mind doesn't say it never happened, it says it happened, but I'm not going to use it against you. So even God doesn't forget, but he separates our sin from us, that's what he does. But forgive and forget is not what the Bible says to do. You recognize the hurt, you choose to forgive, and in time, hopefully, you experience the healing that that hurt doesn't hurt like it used to. That pain isn't as painful as it used to be. And that takes only the time and grace of God for that to happen. But that's that, and then the last stage is reconciliation. That coming back together, not back to the way things were, and that's another danger. If I forgive, then we're just going to go back to the way things were. But sometimes the way things were wasn't good. We want to get back to normal. Well, sometimes normal was unhealthy or fragile or shallow or selfish or unsafe. No, we don't want to get back to normal. We want to, it's like a house at fire. You wouldn't burn that, have a house fire, and then move back into the shell. No, we need to tear it down and build on new foundations. We need to restore and rebuild. That's what reconciliation is. We start again on good, solid foundations. We start on what is right and what is healthy and what is helping us to flourish. But that's reconciliation. But if you notice there are dotted lines to that too, even this isn't guaranteed. It's what we may hope for. It's the ministry we've been given, the ministry of trying to bring back together as much as we can. But as far as it, if it's possible, means sometimes it's not possible. As far as it depends on you, means sometimes you may be all the steps that you need to do, and the other person may not budge an inch. And you may never arrive there. Again, I'm not saying that's easy, it's heartbreaking, but the the goal may be that, but it may not be the destination. And so there we go, that's that's my explanation of those steps. I'm trying to just break down and explain this is what we're talking about when we talk about forgiveness. This can be done, and this is the I'm I'm majoring, I guess, on difficult circumstances, on the toughest cases. This can be done in around 15 seconds if you need to. So our boys, they always play lovely, but on occasions maybe they don't. What might happen is one will take a toy from the other and one will shout at them, and so we'll come in, and it might be saying, Okay, what happened? He stole my toy. Okay. So what we do is we say, well, as much as we can, we say, right, you need to say sorry, and they say sorry, and we go, no, no, no, sorry. You need to say sorry for what you did. Because sorry is not a full sentence, that's what we're trying to communicate. You can't just say sorry, yeah, that doesn't count, okay? So we say, right, sorry for taking the toy, that's recognition, okay. Repentance is I won't do it again. I won't do it again, okay. Repentance. How are you gonna make it right? Normally they make a fart noise or a silly face to make them smile again, right? You've you've made it right. Now you can hug and get back together. And that's what happens in 30 seconds. There you go, you recognize it, I'm not gonna do it again, I'm gonna choose a different direction, I'm gonna make it right by making you smile, and we're gonna hug and carry on playing. And there you go, that's the whole process. It can happen it it perhaps in a couple. Someone um says something that they're a bit short with the other person, they're a bit snappy, and they go, sorry, I was wrong, I was short with you, I think I'm stressed, but that's not an excuse, I shouldn't have said it like that. Combox, can we just start again and reset? I didn't mean to say it like that. Um, is anything I can do to make it right? Uh you know I love you, okay, and they carry on. And in a few seconds you can deal with it. And that that's that that can happen. That's it's still the same process, it's still the same thing, just happens quickly. And then there are other cases, the ones that I've kind of I think been hinting at, where this is a much longer journey. I think this should be both. It's a habit that I think we need to get into. Just constantly, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I want to be better, let me do this. It's a habit that we we do each day and each moment, but some for some people it's also a journey. Something that's happened to you that was on a deeper level, and you cannot rush past it, you cannot do it quickly, it's going to take time, and it's tending to take effort and consideration and thought to process what is the best steps to take for each of these and to go forward. But I think that it's the same thing in each case, it's the same process. It's small moments, quick, light, almost natural in some. Places it's slower and heavier and more labored. The danger is we either over overcomplicate something that's very small, or we oversimplify something that's very big. And there is a wisdom needed to know the difference. Is this something that can be dealt with quickly, or does this have layers to it that I need to work through in order to make the journey that God wants me to make? And in all of that, let me just remind you: the only thing you are commanded is forgiveness and the recognition and repentance. Those are the only two things. The other are a case of wisdom, and is this possible and will this work? And what's going on on the other side, and is it safe and is this right? We have, I have, and I'm sure you have heard of so many circumstances where people have stayed in situations, in places that have increased the harm, increased the suffering, have added the pain that someone's had to endure because they believe that God had commanded them to do all these things, and in and and in fact he hadn't. There's a verse that speaks to this. Um, not that one. Let me see if I can find it. Produce fruit and keep of repentance. There you go, that's that one. We've done that already. No, it's at the end. There we go. Paul in Corinthians. He says, Anyone you forgive, I also forgive, right into a church. And what I have forgiven, if there was anything to forgive, I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake. And then he says this, in order that Satan might not outwit us, for we are not unaware of his schemes. In context of forgiveness, Paul writes and he says, We want to forgive, but forgiveness is about restoring something that was broken, about making right a relationship that could be damaged, but forgiveness is also so that Satan might not outwit us. Paul is saying that there is something about forgiveness that Satan can use in a way that he doesn't use other things. There's something in this that makes it probably why it's so often so hard to do, probably why it's so often the means of reason why churches disintegrate, why relationships disintegrate, there's something that can happen where he can get a foothold. Something in the process that he can get a hold of to stir it up, to cause chaos and confusion, and to make something worse than it already is. And that fact alone makes us just be cautious about this. The reason that we often think forgiveness is all those things is because there is an enemy who wants to paralyze us. Wants to whisper you couldn't let them off. Because if you let them off, they're just going to carry on doing it. And if you let them off, they're going to come back into your life and they're going to ruin your life, and so you're paralyzed because you think I can't do that. When the truth is, no, forgiveness is one part, and it doesn't entail all of that. But if Satan can get a foothold, he can paralyze you for days, weeks, months, years, thinking, I cannot forgive, I cannot forgive. When the truth is, by God's grace, by his strength, I can forgive. I may not be able to trust, I may not experience the healing I want or the reconciliation, but I can forgive. The other side is true that Satan wants to stir up. Oh what? So you changed your life and they just threw you out again. Oh what? So you made all that effort to be a different person and they just threw it back in your face. What's the point? It's a waste of time. And again, he gets a foothold and uses it. And Paul says we don't want to be unaware of his schemes. This is a place that the enemy can use to do more damage. And so being aware of that, we want to be vigilant and cautious. We want to do what God's given us to do and trust him for the grace to do what we cannot do by ourselves. As I say, some wounds are small and can be dealt with, some were deep and take years. But in that process, do not let the enemy trap you. Do not let him paralyze you. And so we come back to our demonstration. As I say, Jesus doesn't instruct this, he does this. We come back to the cross where we see what forgiveness entails, and where we receive the power to go and do likewise. To go and do what we would probably think is impossible. At the cross, Jesus absorbs the debt, he bears the damage, he opens the way for repentance, he makes us, he reconciles us with God, he gives us the grace that we might become trustworthy in ourselves, we might be a new creation. And because of him, the wounded are not asked to fake healing, the wrongdoer is not allowed to fake repentance. Grace is not sentimental, it is truthful and deep. It names the evil, it bears the cost, and then it opens the door to something new. This means that for the wounded people, the invitation is will I release this debt to God? Even if the healing isn't there yet, will I release this? For the wrongdoer, it's will I do more than just apologise? Will I truly repent? Will I bear fruit? Will I make right what I have damaged? And for both, it's will we let God build something new? Not on denial, not on pretending it didn't happen, but on truth and grace. Here's the words that you can use if you need to forgive. Try to make it as simple as possible. Father, I choose to forgive, and then you name the person you need to forgive. For, and then you name what they did, and the way it made me feel. And the reason we added that last one is because that's where the foothold comes. You can say, I forgive you for the damage you did, and think that's dealt with it. But the problem with every hurt is there is an emotional component, and that's the bit that lingers. After the deed is done, it's that that stays. After the thing has happened, that's what sits with you, that's what stays with you. And if you don't process that, that's where the enemy will get a foothold. And again and again bring it up, and again and again use it to create separation and distance. And so that's that's how you start. And you choose to do that, and then today when you don't feel any different, you choose to do it again, and then you choose to do it again. Let me say all of these steps, they are not one step, they are steps that you choose over and over and over. I choose to recognize that was wrong and I choose to repent. I choose to make right, I choose to forgive and write off the debt. And tomorrow when I think actually I should collect, no, I'm gonna write it off again. And the next day when I want to collect, no, I'm gonna write it off again. And again and again, and what often happens is when you start to choose it, you start to feel it. And as you start to choose it, suddenly the burden becomes lighter. You realize you are not holding that person to account anymore, that you are not in control. Is that verse that we looked at? If I can get back to it in Romans, here's the full verse do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath. For it is written, is mine to avenge, I will repay, says the Lord. The whole context says, You may forgive, and they may never recognize. They may never repent, they may never change. And there is a part of us that the enemy will use to say, Well, you're just letting them get away with it then. You're saying it's okay. You're saying that the wrong they did didn't matter. No, no, no. Paul isn't saying that. He's saying it all mattered, it was painful, it shouldn't have happened, it was wrong. And God's wrath, which is so often used to intimidate here, is meant to be a comfort. God's wrath is not him turning into the Hulk and raging at us. God's wrath is wrong is wrong, and I will not allow it to continue. The things that are wrong with this world are not the final word. There will be a day when they are accounted for, there will be a day when they are paid for, there will be a day when they will be made right. It's my deliberate, it's my commitment to that fact. That's what God's wrath is. It's not unhinged, it's deliberate. This is wrong, and it has a day when it will be accounted for. And it says that that idea is our comfort. That when you forgive someone, you're not saying it doesn't matter, and you're not saying that they will never be held to account. You're saying I put you in God's hands, and I trust him to deal with it as appropriate. I trust him either through Jesus to bring forgiveness and healing and restoration and repentance and a change in you. I'm trusting him to do that, or I'm trusting that one day you will have to give account to him. You will have to stand before him and explain. But I don't have to be that anymore. I don't have to hold you to account. And that idea is the reason that you can choose forgiveness, even if there is no change on the other side. And Paul puts all these ideas together to say, that's why, as far as it depends on you, you do what you need, and the rest you can entrust to God, because he is just, he is good, he will do what is right, he will avenge, you will no longer need that. Your role is not the judge, and thank goodness. Because whenever it is, we always either go too far or not far enough. We either make them pay more than they should pay, or we're we're we we we we retreat. But God will deal with everything perfectly, full account, and if you can trust that, it makes it all the easier to say, I can entrust you to God. There may be some today who hear this with relief. Relief because you're not failing because forgiveness didn't instantly restore trust. Not failing because forgiveness didn't instantly lead to full healing and reconciliation, and that guilt, I just want that to be lifted from you today. And I pray that God's Spirit would do that, that He would show you, no, you were doing what is right. Don't let the enemy deceive you. That forgiveness is what God has asked, and you have done that. Don't be under the false guilt of not being able to trust someone who isn't trustworthy. There may be others who hear this with challenge. You cannot demand closeness simply because you said sorry. You may need to do more than simply recognize I was wrong. There may need to be repentance. And so the challenge is: will you continue to walk in that way? Will you bear fruit in keeping with repentance to demonstrate that the repentance was real? There may be others who hear this with hope. That what is broken is not beyond God. What he rebuilds, though, is usually slower and deeper and truer than you first imagined. But that is God's heart, reconciliation. We are ministers of reconciliation. And this may be a pathway that you can use to restore something that you thought never could be restored, or to at least take the steps that you need to take to lead back to something more closely resembling what God's desire is for you. However, this lands, like I say, there is more to be said. Like I said, every every situation is different and nuanced, but I hope it just clarifies what we're talking about and what God's talking about. Let me just pray for each of us. This is one of those ones where I think it's God's Spirit has got to show us where we land in this and who this is speaking to. And so, Father, we we bring ourselves to you. And we we ask for those who need to hear this with relief. Those who've been living under the guilt of not being able to trust and and not feeling okay about what happened, those who've felt pressured to take steps that they didn't feel comfortable taking. Those who've felt even a burden from other Christians that they should be doing more. We thank you, God, that you haven't asked more of us than we're capable. You haven't done asked us to do what is unwise or harmful. You've called us to forgive, which in itself isn't easy but is within our grasp. It is a choice that we can make, as painful as it may feel, as difficult as it may feel. So we ask you to help us to make that choice. To name the person, to name the hurt, to name the way it feels it made us feel that we might take that first step to releasing the debt and refusing to repay the damage. For those who hear this with challenge, who've done what they felt was necessary but are uh discouraged that it hasn't had the results they wanted. Whether they forgave but there wasn't any recognition, or maybe they recognized but there wasn't any forgiveness, whatever side they might find themselves on, Lord, would you help them to continue to do what is right because it is right? To choose to walk in the way that you want them to walk, whether it bears the results that they hope for or not. We recognize that is not an easy thing to choose to do. And so would you give your extra grace and extra strength to help them to continue to make that choice as far as it is possible, as far as it depends on them to live at peace and to be at peace that they are doing what is right. For others who hear this with hope, who know the distance and they can so easily feel the relationship that is strained or broken, may they see in this the hope that there is a way, a way to restore. And would they be able to trust you, Lord, to do that at your pace in the way that you do? If there's layers to it, Lord, would you uncover those layers? If there are foundations to rebuild, would you rebuild them? Would you help them to take that first step today toward towards restoring what is broken? We thank you, Jesus. We thank you that in your your life and your death, you you didn't just teach this, you lived it. You demonstrated it now by your spirit in us, we are not left alone to make walk this path. You are the shepherd in this place. You are the one who leads us through this process. You are the one who on the cross, praise Father, forgive them as the world does its worst to you. And if that strength is in you, then we believe that strength is in us. To choose that as difficult as it may be. So, Holy Spirit, would you give us that courage to take that step? To put our faith in you, that you are able. Thank you, Jesus, that you don't deal with us lightly or falsely. Teach us to forgive as those who have been forgiven. Teach us not to confuse forgiveness with trust or healing or reconciliation, but to walk wisely. Teach us to be vigilant that we don't give the enemy a foothold, that our wounds don't become infected, that our bitterness doesn't become entrenched, that our brokenness doesn't lead us to harm others. We pray, Lord, for we pray for reconciliation. For strange relationships in the distance, we pray that you would bring back together where possible, build something new on better foundations. Lead each of us, Jesus, from where we are. Thank you that you know your sheep. You know the next step for us. Holy Spirit, make it clear we pray that we might walk in your ways and in your presence. We ask it all in Jesus' name. Amen.

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We hope that you've enjoyed listening to Dean's thoughts today. If anything that he has said has challenged you or raised questions that you'd like answers to, please don't hesitate to contact us and ask for a chat. You can find our details on our website, which is leobc.co.uk, as well as on the information that we have posted for this podcast. Alternatively, if you live in our area, you're very welcome to join us on Sunday morning at 10 30 to hear things first hand. We'd love to see you there.