Where Conflict Comes From: The Root of Every Relationship Fight | Ep. 31

Every relationship has that argument it keeps coming back to — the one about being heard, respected, or seen — and most of us assume the problem is the other person. This episode challenges that.

Rahul Pillay walks through James 4:1-5 to unpack why our deepest conflicts aren't really about what's happening on the surface. Van Pillay brings her mental health perspective, naming five conflict response styles that silently shape how we fight — and how we heal.

The moment that stopped the conversation cold: the idea that the fight you're having is just a symptom, and beneath it is a craving that no other person was ever meant to fully satisfy. That reframe alone is worth the listen.

If you're spiritually curious, practically minded, or just tired of having the same argument — this one meets you where you are.

Find us on Spotify @pillayplacepodcast

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YouTube: @pillayplacepodcast 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure at war in your members? We can get into conflict with the people we care most about. And it's important to know where it actually comes from, especially if the issues keep coming and repeating itself in different relationships. The fight, the conflict, like the fight that's happening at the surface, it are just merely symptoms of something much deeper.

SPEAKER_00 0:28

So on today's podcast, we will be talking about where do conflicts in your relationship come from. Hi everybody, welcome back to the Pillay Place Podcast. Um, my name is Rahul, and this is my beautiful wife, Van, the host of Pillet Place Podcast. At Pillet Place Podcast, we focus on talking about faith, family, and finance, some of the practical aspects of faith, family, and finance, because those are the things that gives you a very fulfilling life. And we believe that practical aspects of faith, family, and finance can really live help you live your best life now. So on today's podcast, we will be talking about where do conflicts in your relationship come from. So what is all that about? What do you mean, conflict? We well, I don't really have conflicts, so it's really an interesting one.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Oh, you must be so perfect.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Well, I wanted to start off with a verse, which I normally don't, but I I just think that it speaks so much. And in James 4, 1 to 5, and I'll just read the first couple of uh verses here. This is James. So James is the half-brother of Jesus, and he's the younger brother. This is a very tough spot to be in. Because if you think about it, your older brother is the son of God.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Like miraculous birth.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Imagine the comparison.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

Knew all the scriptures, he's was super wise at a super young age.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

And super perfect.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

I could already see it. Mary's like.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Can't you be more like your brother? What would Jesus do?

SPEAKER_00 2:18

What is Jesus doing right now?

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Yeah. Yeah. And so, okay, so James 4, 1 says, Where do wars and fights come from among you? I mean, he probably knows best. Okay. Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? Okay. So when I read this verse, I see two things happening here in this verse is that there's an external circumstance, things that we can't really control in the relationship, like how people respond, what people think, and there is this, and then the second thing, this internal craving to satisfy something that's inside of us. Examples could be desires to be right, to be heard, to be appreciated, to be respected, to be approved, to be accepted by people. Right. And um it makes us I think when when that happens, you are looking to the wrong source to satisfy those desires.

SPEAKER_00 3:31

What what do you mean by source?

SPEAKER_01 3:33

I think um, like when I when I think about this verse, I think of, well, first of all, we get into conflict. So let's talk about conflict. We can get into conflict with the people we care most about. Yeah. Right. And it's important to know where it actually comes from, especially if the issues keeps coming and repeating itself in different relationships.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

Sorry, just to add, it's not just conflict with others. We could have internal conflicts, things we're wrestling with ourselves, right? This could this this verse I think is very universal. So go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

Yeah. But I don't think the problem is external. Like as in it's not something on the outside that you can't really control. I actually think it's more inside of us. Okay. Okay. Um do you have anything to say?

SPEAKER_00 4:27

No, I'm I thought you were gonna make a point. Or the question is really the source. I think you're pointing to it, but what Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

So when we are having a conflict, there's this need. Like, do you even hear me? Are you hearing I like, or I don't feel like I'm being appreciated. I don't feel like you're being grateful for what I did. Like, can't you see what I just did?

SPEAKER_00 4:55

So there is an underlying thought, idea, or belief that is triggering that conflict.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

That's what the scripture's saying. Doesn't it not come from among you, the desires that are inside of you? That really is talking about the desire to be either right or whatever, right? Like you said, being heard or so forth.

SPEAKER_01 5:16

I mean, I hear it all the time too. It's the um, like the wife would go, he's not hearing me. She's not showing any respect, or she's not showing like that, she doesn't see how much how hard I work.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

And he's not, he's not, he's not listening. I tell him to take out the trash and he's not listening. Yeah, right. And that's our desire to be to be right, to be heard, to be appreciated, to be respected. Yeah. Okay. But that's but if when we are seeking that from other people, right, then we are not seeking that from God.

SPEAKER_00 6:02

Got it. So, so if I was the audience right now, the one question that I would have is, well, how do I, how do I like identify the source and what do I do about it? Do you get what I'm saying? Like if you're saying if you have a desire to be heard, right, what what is that, like what is how do I what do I do about it? How do I clean that up? How do I fix that?

SPEAKER_01 6:30

How do you fix that? Like your desires to be heard? Yeah, if you're in this argument, I think it's knowing that God hears you, God respects you, and He has the final say.

SPEAKER_00 6:45

Got it.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

The thing is, like because of the fallen, because of the sin, we have pride, and pride makes us very self-centered.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

So it's really just changing the percep perspective about this.

SPEAKER_01 6:56

It is. It's like I don't care that you I don't care that this, you know, so and so doesn't like me. Yeah. Or so and so thinks that I'm, I don't know, whatever, I'm stuck up or something. Yeah. Right? And it's like that does not, that doesn't matter. This is the reason why what people think of you doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 7:19

Yeah. I mean it's I feel like it's easier said. I mean, it yes, I agree, right? But it is a it is a um a big one to like just work through. I think because most because most of us do care about what someone thinks. I care about what you think about me.

SPEAKER_01 7:39

Yeah, but you don't it's prioritizing.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

Of course.

SPEAKER_01 7:42

Like you're prioritizing like you don't want to prioritize what people say about you over what God says about you.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

Ah, that's that's a really good distinction.

SPEAKER_01 7:51

Yeah, because then you're not, it's not about choosing people or God. It's prioritizing what he says to me is much more important than what you say about me. The fight, the conflict, like the fight that's happening at the surface, it are just merely symptoms of something much deeper. Yeah, they're just something deeper. And then being stuck, when we're being stuck in our ways, it obviously doesn't go anywhere.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Right. So um, because how many times have we have we heard like fights or conversation happen and it's it's around at the end of it, it's like it's they're not being heard.

SPEAKER_00 8:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

Right? They're not being heard, and it feels good to be heard.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Well, it's it's it comes, I mean, it's in your notes, so I'm gonna read your notes. What did I say? Pride makes us self-centered. So really it's it's the it's a it's a pride piece too, right? It's like it points to yourself. Right? Like you're you're pri like you just talked about prioritizing. Inside of you, you're kind of prioritizing yourself in that point. It is, which is what pride is. The definition of pride is you are lifted up and everything else is lifted down.

SPEAKER_01 9:15

And it's so hard to hear the other person when you're just thinking about yourself. It's the humility piece.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

Right.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Right?

SPEAKER_00 9:22

Yeah. Um and and sorry, so if you have not heard the conflict resolution uh podcast we did two weeks ago or three weeks ago. One of those. We'll put a link in here and uh please check that out because that is a very it was very helpful to me. Because we all go through conflicts, and conflict resolution is important so that you can you can work with those you're supposed to work with. And it was it was very helpful to to listen to um the key thing to help us get through conflict resolution. Um yeah, sorry, go back.

SPEAKER_01 10:00

Um I lost my chain of thought.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

So you're talking about pride.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Yes, pride. You know, in the in verses in verse three, he calls them adulterers and adulteresses. Okay, and that is painful because then we have a covenant with the Lord, yes, right? And that means all of our fulfillment, our all of our needs is being fulfilled with the Lord. Yeah, and when you're saying that, when you're saying that I need my desires met elsewhere, you're outsourcing.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Ooh.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

You're outsourcing your desires. You're not saying, hey, God, God's saying you're enough, and that's not enough. I need I need the world to tell me that I'm enough. It's like And that's that's the adulterer's adulteresses.

SPEAKER_00 11:04

Sorry, let me let me just just can I recap what you just said. Sure. Because it's it's uh it's it's awesome. Um Van mentioned the word covenant, and covenant means promise from God. God's covenant to us is that He would be our God, meaning the principal thing that takes care of us, or principal one, because God is a being as well. So, so what she's saying is the moment that we look outside of God for our fulfillment.

SPEAKER_01 11:32

Like when we're seeking those desires. So I'm just gonna read what I put here because it's I think it's good. When you are seeking those desires, pleasures, and comfort outside of God, you are basically outsourcing your needs from God. You're saying, God is not enough, and I need this to be fulfilled by someone else, something else. You're saying, I need to be right, I need to be heard, I need to be appreciated, and that and that what God says about you is not enough. You're saying God is not enough. It's like cheating, it's spiritual infidelity.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

Wow. We can probably end right there.

SPEAKER_01 12:15

So your covenant with the Lord's broken because you're seeking fulfillment elsewhere. Yeah, and we don't think of fulfillment as you know, um like the ultimate fulfillment is in the Lord, not in the numbers of likes or followers. But sometimes we get so focused. If somebody has a negative comment about you, it literally brings your whole day down, yeah, your whole week down. It like has so much um weight when that shouldn't be it, right? Imagine we have a covenant, right? We have a covenant.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

I find cheating, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:01

Yeah, and that you're my you're my what are you, my husband.

SPEAKER_00 13:06

I'm glad you remember.

SPEAKER_01 13:08

So you're my husband, right? And there's like these fulfillment that I get from you. But imagine if I just go, actually, I'm not fulfilled, I'm just gonna go look elsewhere. Like I'm outsourcing, yeah. I'm using some, I'm I'm breaking that covenant.

SPEAKER_00 13:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

And that hurts, and I think that really hurts God.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Yeah, it does.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

It's he's you're basically saying what what he is saying doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_00 13:37

Let me let me um save those that are that are that are getting convicted by what she's saying. Um in John 8, 44, in John chapter 8, verse 44, it says that these things, and I'm I'm paraphrasing so that we can try to be clear. Um these things that that these it says you are of your father the devil, and it is your will to practice lusts and gratify the desires that what she's talking about, those desires that are inside of you that drives this fallen state or this trouble, it comes from a will. So, what does will mean? Will means the faculty by which a person decides and initiates action. The problem is when sin happened, when the problem happened in the garden, which is the episode right before this, we um we as humans lost our ability to be able to be to make good desires, like good desires to come out of us, just kind of our ability that ability left. And we started leaning on this fallen nature of what she's talking about, not having this covenant with God and really just trying to, you know, pride and all these things that she's really mentioning. And reality is the only way to transfer from that state to a better state is to actually change the the what the scripture is saying, the father, meaning that you you go to God, you literally get connected to God, right? And it takes humility to do that.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

Because the moment that you are in a conflict, like let's go back to the topic itself, conflict, and you are fighting because you're trying to be right or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 15:30

There's a lot of like pride and proud.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

Like, I mean, we can go into but it takes a humble person to to immediately check with themselves and be like, okay, where's God in all this? Yeah. Right? What is what is what is what am I really supposed to do here when God made me for relationship and promoting relationship? I'm in a conflict. How do I change that?

SPEAKER_01 15:58

Yeah, and I'm actually I want to know from our our listener here is how do you respond? What type of respond, what type of responder are you when it comes to conflict? So are you like the competitor? This is probably a little bit of you. You're getting better though. The competitor, like they want to be right, they want to win, and there's like no room for cooperation. Okay, you kind of you pursue your own concerns at the expense of the other person and very assertive, not very cooperative. And if you're the accommodators, okay, so these are the people that try to keep the peace, they try to accommodate, they're very cooperative, but not very assertive. So they kind of leave themselves like I'll just kind of take the hit. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

So they get stepped over.

SPEAKER_01 16:53

They get stepped over, they're the accommodators. Okay. Okay. Or are you the avoiders?

SPEAKER_00 16:58

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:00

They're not cooperative, they're not assertive.

SPEAKER_00 17:03

That's my favorite.

SPEAKER_01 17:06

They they like they literally did not do anything.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

This just brush it under the rug.

SPEAKER_01 17:13

This conflict simmers big and becomes bigger over time. Of course, yeah. You know, we have there's uh like a relative of ours that just likes to hold it in, hold it in, hold it in, hold it in. And then boom, I'm like, oh my gosh, like why are they blowing up?

SPEAKER_00 17:29

Because nine months ago, something happened.

unknown 17:30

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 17:32

And you just have no idea, right? And then there's the collaborators, okay? They utilize both being assertive. This is what I need, this is what I want. And then there's also, they also utilize cooperation. Let me hear you out.

SPEAKER_00 17:47

Sounds like me. Oh, really?

SPEAKER_01 17:50

Okay, so they're looking for a win-win situation. The fifth is the compromiser, and this actually requires some, I think it's an advanced like method to like respond because you're being both assertive and cooperative, but you're finding the middle ground and you're okay, like compromising some, and then the other person. It's like marriage works this way, guys. Okay, sometimes you just have to compromise, right? And like both parties will have some losses, okay.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

And um but but but gains, but gains, yes, yeah. Not just losses. Now we know how she thinks.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

You know, sometimes losing is winning.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

That's true. Okay, like if you have kids lose some to win some.

SPEAKER_01 18:44

Like if you have kids, you probably understand. Like you just have to lose some to win.

SPEAKER_00 18:49

As an investor, just so you know, you always want to win more than you lose.

SPEAKER_01 18:56

Okay. Um, I have some solutions um here that I think when we are dealing with conflict, you know, James 4, 6 talk about how God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble. So, first things first, guys, is taking our self-centeredness, our desires to be right, to be respected, to be heard. We put that aside and invite in humility. Be humble, try to stay humble. And you can't learn anything if you know everything. So own up to your share of the issues and problems. Okay. Point number two, James 1:19. Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce righteousness of God. Let's listen first. I think we've we have two ears for a reason, right? We listen first, listen quickly and seek to understand before you seek to be understood. All right. Um, and then I mean we had some you I'm pretty sure you pissed me off sometime this week. You can't remember. But I did try to seek to understand first what was going on with you before I like do something, right? I don't get it perfect all the time, but most of the time I think I'm pretty good. Okay, and then um Colossian 3, 12 to 14, point number three. Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long-suffering, bearing with one another, and forgiving one another. If anyone has complaint against another, even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. Decide to already forgive even before resolving the conflict.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 20:59

And I think that's most important because when we have conflict, I just go, and I know that he's wrong.

unknown 21:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 21:08

My immediate is okay, I've already decided that whatever it is, I've already have forgiven you. And then let's talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 21:18

Yeah, just one point on forgiveness. Forgiveness is more for the one forgiving than the one you're forgiving, meaning that it's more for you than for the other person. Yeah, it sets you free, it uh releases your heart of this bitterness that you're holding. And uh frankly, you we need that for our own self.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Yeah, right. We do, and thing is like you don't want to go into a conflict because forgiveness is your is in your control.

SPEAKER_00 21:47

Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 21:48

Right? It's not it's in your control, and so you can decide to forgive regardless.

SPEAKER_00 21:53

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 21:54

And so going in with the attitude of like, I've already forgiven, now let's just Resolve this conflict and understand each other better, then that that kind of clears out. I I think of it, another thing I want to add, which is not on my note as I'm thinking about it, is actually coming to God first.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:15

So many times we have I, you know, when we have a conflict, we have conflict, guys. Okay. And so when we do have a conflict, I go to God first. And I, you know, tell him how I feel, I tell him what happens, and then I just go, you deal with him. And then you go and you have your time with God. And usually he tells you to go talk to your wife.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:44

Right?

SPEAKER_00 22:45

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

And and it's very similar to like you don't go grocery shopping on an empty stomach. Like you go and eat first. Like you go to God first. Right? It prepares you. So then you don't go into the grocery store and buy all the things that you don't even need.

SPEAKER_00 23:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

And or you fight about all the things that you don't even need to.

SPEAKER_00 23:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:08

So it's like preparing.

SPEAKER_00 23:10

Keep the main thing the main thing.

SPEAKER_01 23:11

Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

Great.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

All right, guys. If you enjoy this episode, um, please subscribe to us, and we will see you in our next episode. Thank you.