Pillay Place Podcast — EP. 35: Blueprint for Choosing a Great Partner

The butterflies are real — but they're also temporary, and most people don't figure that out until they've already built a life around them.

Van Pillay walks through the criteria she'd hand her own daughter before choosing a partner — a list built not on romance but on reality: someone you can suffer with, someone whose habits you can actually live with, someone you feel genuinely safe with in the hard conversations. Rahul brings the partnership lens, unpacking what it means to be truly united at the heart level and why surface-level compromise always finds its way back to the surface.

The moment that stops the conversation is when Rahul says he doesn't just love Van — he loves who they are together, and that distinction changes everything about how he protects the relationship. It's a simple line that reframes what commitment actually looks like.

They also say something quietly bold near the end: being a Christian doesn't automatically make someone a great partner. Open-mindedness, they argue, might matter more than a shared label.

If you've ever wondered whether you're choosing for the right reasons — this is the conversation to have first.

Find us on Spotify @pillayplacepodcast

https://open.spotify.com/show/6yDlDhEWsh21t2zeg7f5AC?si=B7-HfM0VR6SJuI2i7l4Kdg

YouTube: @pillayplacepodcast 

https://www.youtube.com/@PillayPlacePodcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

The most important decision that they have to make in their life is who they pick as their partner. I would not pick someone I could love forever. I would pick someone I can suffer with. I would pick someone that I am safe with. Emotionally, intellectually, and of course like physically. Can I really be with this person through it all?

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 0:20

Can I be bored with this person? Can I suffer with this person? And then looking at their character.

SPEAKER_02 0:26

I just have to insert something here. Hoping those things disappear actually doesn't make it disappear. Thoughts actually don't have the power to make somebody else do something that you want them to do.

SPEAKER_04 0:37

I love you, but I actually love us more. And because I love us more, I take care of us. Welcome back to the Palay Place, where we talk about faith, family, and finance. And we're gonna talk about something that really holds dear to my heart. Because I have a little girl and two boys. And oftentimes I wonder like the most important decision that they have to make in their life is who they pick as their partner. So if this applies to you, stay on and um see if you can learn a few things or two. Okay, what do you have, B?

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Well, um, you know, we we talked about butterflies. Um, and you know, in the beginning, there's a lot of butterflies, right? Apparently I chased the butterflies away.

SPEAKER_04 1:33

I had them and then you chased them away.

SPEAKER_02 1:37

Yes, apparently I opened my mouth and they all flew away. But um reality is a part a partnership, a relationship. You know, the the butterfly stage doesn't, it's there for a little bit. It comes and goes, but reality is life is not all about butterflies, right? Like that phase goes away and it's a phase of relationship, partnership, companionship, right? And sometimes it's actually responsibility.

SPEAKER_04 2:05

It's literally Am I a responsibility?

SPEAKER_02 2:09

Yes, very much, very much, especially when you text me groceries. There's like these extra things in there, and I'm like, I guess it's my responsibility to grab them.

SPEAKER_04 2:19

So um, so that'd be not how I feel about that.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

But like the my point that I'm trying to make is outside of the butterflies, the moment that you start actually cultivating a relationship, that be that that has for me is where the most fruitful part of my life is with you. The the most enjoyable part nowadays is actually doing life together and making life together and making decisions that impact not only our children, but you know, future generations, even from them.

SPEAKER_04 2:52

Yeah. Um I have done a few things that I think is not typical. Um, is I would tell our kids. And if our kids end up listening to this one day, that would be amazing because this is really important, guys. At least for me, I feel like I would not pick someone I could love forever. I would pick someone I can suffer with. Okay. I would not pick a rich man, but I would pick a provider, someone with the ability and desire to provide. To me, that's wealth.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

That's right.

SPEAKER_04 3:37

Okay. Um I said, or I was as I was preparing for this podcast, I was also thinking, okay, what would I what would I want to tell?

SPEAKER_02 3:50

Just real quick, on that note, like rich is substance. Hard work and cur the characteristics that build on even nothing is actually foundation.

SPEAKER_03 4:02

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 4:03

That richness, the rich, the the bank account, all those things can go away. A nice car can go away tomorrow.

SPEAKER_04 4:10

Totally.

SPEAKER_02 4:11

Right? What you can't take away from someone is their grit, their internal motivation, right, to just get up and go and do something with their life.

SPEAKER_04 4:23

Exactly. And that's something that is more permanent than a awesome bank account.

SPEAKER_00 4:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:34

Right. And I think that's also very surface level.

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Right.

SPEAKER_04 4:37

Like you're not thinking that bank account may not be there. They may file for bankruptcy two months after. Like, can you and I think that's why we it's so important that you think I can suffer with this person.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Right.

SPEAKER_04 4:52

Right. Um, I said I would not pick someone based on attractions, though I very much enjoy your tall, rich, and handsome. No, tall, dark, and handsome.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 5:08

Well, here's the thing. I would pick someone that I am safe with, emotionally, intellectually, and of course, like physically.

SPEAKER_00 5:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:17

Safe, right? I would not pick someone who is persistent. I would pick someone who is consistent.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

I I feel like I think I'm both, but okay.

SPEAKER_04 5:28

Well, you were very persistent. But you're more consistent.

SPEAKER_00 5:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:36

Yeah. I think that that's what makes me feel like you're reliable. Like and predictable.

SPEAKER_02 5:45

Can we talk a little bit about your third point? I think it's so important. The one right before this.

SPEAKER_04 5:50

Intellectually?

SPEAKER_02 5:51

No, before persistent and consistent. What did you just say?

SPEAKER_04 5:54

I would not pick someone based on attractions.

SPEAKER_02 5:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:59

And then um attraction. You want me to talk about how tall, dark, and handsome. No, no, not that one.

SPEAKER_02 6:05

Sorry, sorry. What what what was the other point?

SPEAKER_04 6:08

Um, I would pick someone I am safe with.

SPEAKER_02 6:10

Yeah, that one.

SPEAKER_04 6:11

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:12

That's very important because reality is a lot of relationships does not have the safety net. What do we mean by that? That means that I can tell Van, my wife, areas that I am insecure about. I can tell you what I'm actually afraid of. I can tell you wh where I have doubts and have and be very honest about it.

SPEAKER_04 6:42

And here's the test though. Like if you are able to talk about your shame and your guilt with your partner, that's and you don't feel like you have to hide it, that's a that's a good sign that you are feeling safe.

SPEAKER_02 6:59

That's exactly right.

SPEAKER_04 7:00

Because oftentimes that's the place where we want nobody to know.

SPEAKER_02 7:05

And it's not just asking yourself, it's actually asking your partner, do you feel safe sharing everything with me? Because that's a good reality check. Are there things in your life that you hide from me because I have either brushed it off, minimized it, or just discarded it because you know my traits are different from your traits, and I didn't realize I was doing this.

SPEAKER_04 7:32

Yeah, and that's emotionally we feel safe, and that's also intellectually. Like we're we're not gonna feel like we shut each other down, yeah, or your ideas or thoughts are minimized.

SPEAKER_00 7:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 7:47

And so you want to pick someone that you feel safe in all three areas.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 7:53

Right.

SPEAKER_01 7:53

And um okay, that's great. Yeah. All right, you can skip ahead. Sorry about that.

SPEAKER_04 7:59

It's okay. I would not pick someone I can have fun with. I would pick someone I can be bored with.

SPEAKER_02 8:07

That's very important. And you know, this culture today, this society that we're in, it's like people have difficulty being bored, right? Like the moment people get bored, they're like, okay, I gotta do something. I gotta watch a YouTube video, I gotta take up my phone, I gotta go do something, right? Yeah, and boredom's not it's being able to do nothing, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:30

And still just enjoy each other's company.

SPEAKER_02 8:35

And doing nothing is great. Yeah, that's how you save money. I know this is not about budgeting, but yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:45

I I remember one time in our in what when we were dating, and you know, we were studying a lot because we were in school, and you you said, like, I we don't have to do anything, we just be together and I'm happy.

SPEAKER_02 8:59

Yeah. I was also very broke at the time. So it was great.

SPEAKER_04 9:04

Oh, is that so? Um this is an important one. I'm like starring these things. I would tell my baby girl this. I would pick someone with habits I can accept, love, and appreciate because most of the time it's the habits that cause turbulence in the relationship and misaligned values. I hear it a lot of like I don't like the way he's managing money. I don't like the way he's playing video games all day. I don't like the way he just you know take on different habits and that we try to change and they're already habits.

SPEAKER_02 9:49

And and I just have to insert something here. Hoping those things disappear actually doesn't make it disappear. Thoughts actually don't have the power to make somebody else do something that you want them to do. So uh I think I'm speaking to somebody as I say this. Yes.

SPEAKER_04 10:06

Yeah, so like do they have good habits? Do they have good discipline?

SPEAKER_00 10:10

Right.

SPEAKER_04 10:11

Um, because then you don't have to nag about can you please take the trash out? Can you please do this?

SPEAKER_00 10:20

Right.

SPEAKER_04 10:21

You know, it's you thank God, and I'm very grateful. I don't think I've ever had to tell you to take out the trash.

SPEAKER_02 10:28

Um I just think it's my responsibility.

SPEAKER_04 10:31

Yeah, and we'll talk about that in a different episode. But I think early on in our relationship, there was I think we just got married, and you wake up early. I think we were in that studio still.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:45

And um I remember waking up and you were doing the dishes.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:49

And probably because early on, I go, babe, it's like the sexiest thing when you're doing dishes.

SPEAKER_00 10:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 10:56

And man, he does the dishes, guys. Like, and so it's just one thing that um that's awesome. Okay. I put, I would pick someone that has a realistic view of life, as in someone that understands there are good times to enjoy and testing times to overcome. And this shows presence and wisdom.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:21

Um, it's also a good like attitude check.

SPEAKER_00 11:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:26

You know. Um, yeah. Any thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_02 11:31

I uh I just love appreciate all those points. I just have one point that's different, and I'll gonna mention that here soon. But before that, I just want to address your last point. Okay. Because when we are when we when we're in a partnership, one of the most critical things in a partnership is that you accept them for who they are. You don't try to change them. And reality is that in when you say you accept them, right? It kind of goes back to mindsets and understanding who people are. Like there are certain things, like you talked about washing dishes. I know you're not a big fan. Even though you sometimes do wash dishes today, you still won't put the detergent in the dishwasher. I don't like touching it. You don't like touching it. So, like that that little and you're and you know, for some guys, that's gonna be like it takes five seconds, why don't you just do it, right? But understanding your partner, this is partnership. Understanding your partner is very critical. Because if it's if it's five seconds for you, then why don't you just do it? If it's that little to you and you're in partnership with somebody else who has a difficulty with it, then you just take it on. Right? Similar to that.

SPEAKER_04 12:39

And a lot of people think I mean, I can see how you would get annoyed, but you don't, and you've never complained about it. Like I would do all the dishes, I put them in the dishwasher, and I close.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

You go 99 yards, but you don't score touchdowns. And I right, like I'll score touchdown because she just doesn't want to score touchdown. Like that, that is a real thing.

SPEAKER_04 13:01

Like you step in.

SPEAKER_02 13:02

Yeah, right. So so I'm I'm going somewhere with this though, because I have like this is real. A lot of couples that I have spoken to in the past have an issue with finances because my I like to be more adventurous, I like to be okay spending, but she, you know, he or she likes to have stability and more money in the bank. And I don't think money should be in the bank, right? Like, like there is like there, those are true mindsets. Like, I'm not arguing those mindsets. Yeah, but reality is in a partnership, there is a agreement, right? There is a a commitment to make it work. So if you can't find the middle ground, one of you has to compromise to figure out how to satisfy the other person, right? And and reality is like the the you cannot be both going on two different directions and call it a partnership.

SPEAKER_03 14:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

Especially internally, right? Because we can all make it look like I'm compromising and working with you, but internally we're like, no, I believe this, right? She's over there, I'm over here.

SPEAKER_04 14:19

Yeah, that's that's your job, that's your role.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

And that and that's my pet peeve because the truth is that's where I try to unite with you at the heart level, at the belief level, at the values level. If you prefer stability, like talk about money, right?

SPEAKER_03 14:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:36

I was trying to, I'll give you a specific example. I asked you about donating to something, and you were so busy you didn't respond to me, and you actually never responded.

SPEAKER_03 14:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 14:46

Right? And it was very low dollars, right? It was like less than a hundred bucks I wanted to give. Could I have given it? Sure. The giving account has it, but I didn't. Because I feel like at the heart level, at a conversation level, we just never agreed. And my relationship with you, my commitment to you is way more important than actually the mere dollars, or even to, you know, like the the home comes first. You and I come first, right? So like that's unity to me.

SPEAKER_04 15:18

So that reminds so, and I think that's what I love. Like I love you. I love you. I love you.

SPEAKER_02 15:26

Uh oh, I love you too.

SPEAKER_04 15:30

But I think I actually and I I don't know. I don't, but I think I actually love us more.

SPEAKER_02 15:39

Yeah, me me too.

SPEAKER_04 15:41

Yeah, like I love you, but I actually love us more. And because I love us more, I take care of us.

SPEAKER_02 15:48

Yeah, and and protect it.

SPEAKER_04 15:50

And protecting us and to make sure that we are good. That's right. Not you are good or that I am good, is that we as a unit, we are good because that's the us that I love.

SPEAKER_02 16:03

And and in that partnership, that might mean, right, if if if you have a wonderful partnership and that becomes the center of your life and you are protecting that, right? The first and foremost, God's in the center as well. Of course, right? God's all over it. And reality is when God's over all over it, you will be sensitive to other pe to your partners' insecurities, vulnerabilities, you will protect them, right? You will make sure that okay, if she doesn't like this because she's insecure about it, I just won't go there, right? It's very simple. The other piece for me, partnership becomes extremely important as you can grow together.

SPEAKER_04 16:46

Yeah. Well, because when you're in a unit, that unit grows.

SPEAKER_02 16:50

Right. Yeah. And and uh you know, it's like for some reason, I feel like for some people, growth could be a negative term because like, you know, always growing, always growing. Like, why is there always so so much advancement? Right. But reality is we've we were all planted and on earth to grow. Right? The concept of trees is literally what's described in the Bible as the most important story God Jesus told them. Yeah. Is the seeding, right? This is how this is how everything in God's kingdom is supposed to work, yeah, is actually growth.

SPEAKER_04 17:27

And I think that's what I love about us, right? Is that when we are growing, there is a part of us that are growing in our own self, right? But when we grow, we also at our own self coming together, we're growing together.

SPEAKER_02 17:43

Right.

SPEAKER_04 17:44

We're not growing apart.

SPEAKER_02 17:45

That's right.

SPEAKER_04 17:46

And it just kind of strengthens the relationship.

SPEAKER_02 17:48

It strengthens the relationship. Exactly. So anything that we do, even though it's completely outside of, you know, I'm gonna be in finance and you're gonna be in mental health, it still complements the growth of the family and you and I.

SPEAKER_04 18:02

Yeah. Yeah. Um, okay, the next one I have here is I would pick someone that speaks life.

SPEAKER_00 18:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 18:10

But there's a difference though, because you want you wanna it's like someone that speaks life, it's an attitude check. How is their attitude towards life? Because if someone that doesn't speak life, their attitude towards life is not is probably not well.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:33

Right. And so and the being realistic about it, and that's I think that's the wisdom because we life does go like this. Yeah, you know, it's not like, oh, it's always up and being too optimistic about it. There's a reality and wisdom to it. Um this is always like a a flag for me to check, is I would not pick someone that speaks unkind words about others, especially like your ex or your past or your your enemies. And because because it shows lack of love, lack of boundaries, and lack of forgiveness. Right. And you when you are holding on to resentment, it's not it it sucked the life out of you.

SPEAKER_00 19:24

Right.

SPEAKER_04 19:24

You know, when we talk about your past or your exes, right? Exes like Yeah, there's no resentment here. Like I just noticed it's not that you are bashing them. You don't bash them, right? You go, that was my experience. But and it also shows that they've worked through some stuff. There's they've worked through they've processed it, there's growth, and they've left it behind. It's not it's not very um what's the word?

SPEAKER_02 20:06

Unhealthy.

SPEAKER_04 20:07

Yeah, it's not very healthy to start a relationship holding on to stuff that you were hurt from. That's right. Right. And I wouldn't want my kid to be part of that.

SPEAKER_02 20:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:22

And so yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:24

But if the other partner is, yeah, I would say the it's you have to be sensitive to it.

SPEAKER_04 20:30

Yeah, there's a difference.

SPEAKER_02 20:32

Because no one's perfect, right? Like no one's perfect.

SPEAKER_04 20:34

But there's a difference between bashing their character and then also sharing this is what I experienced. Yeah, yeah. Right. Well, that's the difference between the things. And the thing is, like, the Bible says to love others. If you are not forgiving to the person that hurts you, you're you're not loving towards your enemies or or them, right? And and not loving yourself either.

SPEAKER_00 21:02

Right.

SPEAKER_04 21:02

Um and I think everything else can be worked out in therapy. But other than that, like these are the these are the the things. And um yeah, and also having I would I would ask the ki my kid to go, would you want your kid to pick this person?

SPEAKER_00 21:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 21:27

Because I think mothers, maybe dads, we have pretty high standards for our kids to partner, our sp their spouse. Right. You know, we probably have the high standards and expectations. And it's a very important decision for them to make.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

That's right.

SPEAKER_04 21:45

And so yeah, oftentimes I think in the butterfly stage, it's like, I'm so in love.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 21:52

Suffering hasn't started.

SPEAKER_01 21:54

Right.

SPEAKER_04 21:55

You know, I'm so like happy with this person, hardship hasn't started.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Right.

SPEAKER_04 22:00

And so we gotta think you have to think about can I can I really be with this person through it all? Yeah. Can I be bored with this person? Can I suffer with this person? And then looking at their character and not something superficial.

SPEAKER_02 22:20

Yeah. Well, let's end with this. I I would say last but not the least, uh, the I wouldn't I would add to that list is um being open-minded. Yeah, a partner that is closed-minded. I mean, a you notice how we did not say they have to be faith-based, they have to be a Christian. And mainly because Van and I met when I was not any of those things. But I did, I was open-minded, and I believe that's extremely important. As a matter of fact, God can do more with an open-minded person than someone that's closed-minded, even if they're faith-based or Christian.

SPEAKER_04 23:01

And the thing is, not it's great that they are a Christian. Because obviously we believe in in God, right? It's great. But it's also a lot of Christians out there, realistically speaking, are not that great. They're saved. It doesn't mean they're great partners.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:22

You know, they're saved, God loves them, we'll see them in heaven. It doesn't mean that they're great partners.

SPEAKER_02 23:27

Yeah, because they because they, yeah, exactly. Yeah. So um, with that, thanks for joining us in this episode. Uh, please subscribe and we'll see you next week.