The Most Connected Generation Is the Loneliest | EP 40

Somewhere along the way, most of us learned that it's safer to hide a mistake than to admit one — even to the people who love us most.

Rahul brings the lens of a parent constantly tempted to correct first and connect second. Van brings the lens of someone who has been on both sides of that dynamic, at home and in her own moments of hiding the truth.

They walk through what actually happens in the moment someone chooses honesty over hiding, why consistency matters more than we think, and what it looks like to become the kind of person others don't have to be afraid to come to. There's a story in here about a ten-cent paper bag that says more about trust than most conversations about trust ever do.

If you've ever wondered why it's so hard to just tell someone the truth, this one's for you.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We do live in an era where people are more disconnected than ever before.

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Isn't that crazy?

SPEAKER_00 0:05

People are more open so sh on social platforms, but reality is like the one-on-one connection is missing like crazy.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

It was one of the times where you lie to me about something. Oh, yeah, it was about relaxing. I could have gotten mad because you lied, but I approached it with curiosity. Why is it? Yeah. What happened?

SPEAKER_00 0:25

You connected first. It's highway robbery, guys. It's taxation without representation. Connection before correction.

SPEAKER_01 0:31

It's more than just a parenting method because you're building a relationship. Safety means I'm holding you. I'm not gonna try and fix you. Have you ever felt like it is hard to connect with people and getting more difficult to connect with people these days? If you have, please stay tuned. We're gonna be talking about connection and connecting first. Welcome back to the Palay Place where we talk about faith, family, and finance. My name is Van and my handsome husband over here, Rohul.

unknown 1:07

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:07

Hi, everybody.

SPEAKER_01 1:08

Okay. Um, well, babe, how do you want to start this off?

SPEAKER_00 1:13

I thought it was very intriguing how you started the the topic. Um, and I think it's very important that connection does come first, right? And we we tend to react when things go wrong. Like we we let's put it this way when things are going well, I think we we tend to do try to connect more if possible, right? I think that what you said is very important because it is, we do live in an era where people are more disconnected than ever before.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Isn't that crazy?

SPEAKER_00 1:44

That is very crazy. It's like an era, I mean, it still boggles my mind, is that because it's the most most shared society we have ever lived in, right? With Uber, Turo, Airbnb, all these things.

SPEAKER_02 1:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

But it's the most um, and it's the most like people are more open on social platforms, but reality is like the one-on-one connection is is missing like crazy. I don't have any stats about this, but it's just so obvious that people are desiring connection, they don't even know how to connect nowadays.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

They don't, and it seems like it's more easy for people to connect or via like socials.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

That's right.

SPEAKER_01 2:27

But even that, it's it's not a deep intimate connection.

SPEAKER_00 2:29

It's superficial. Yeah. Yeah. How we came up with the topic was well, I I wanted to talk about this because it's so important, and I'm still learning this, so I'm no expert, but um I I did it through our kids, right? Is this concept of connection before correction? Because I am the, you know, the drill sergeant sometimes trying to get my kids to do something. And when they make mistakes, you know, instead of drilling them, one of the things that my wife taught me is connection before correction. And I'm not doing it perfectly, but I'm definitely learning how to do so because that's what it's about. It's about connection, it's about relationship.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

It is, it's more than just a parenting method, I think. Yeah, it's it's actually because you're building a relationship with your children, right? But then there are so many other relationships in the world that you have colleagues, friends, you know, your your brother, your sister, who like your spouse.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

Well, I I don't have a lot of points, but I do have that one point, which is I'm actually using this at work quite a bit when things go wrong or when you know employees or contractors make mistakes, instead of, you know, saying, Hey, you know, what happened or what's going on, and you know, where I want my money back type of thing, it's like connection first, relationships endure a lifetime.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

And so what I'm hoping to talk about to to cover a few key points in this podcast is that how to be that safe place for those you care about and how to keep them around without bribing them.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

All right. And then how to have a real and authentic connection.

SPEAKER_00 4:08

So I think you should jump into them, but right before that, can you tell us why is connection so important?

SPEAKER_01 4:16

It's the foundation.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Okay, what do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_01 4:19

What I mean by that is, you know, we are all dri we have relationships all around us. We desire companionship, we desire like social connections, right? And if we don't have it's not just resolving conflict skills and strategies, yeah, it is having a real bond with somebody.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

And you can't have a bond without a connection.

SPEAKER_01 4:48

You can't have a bond without a connection.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

And a genuine authentic connection. Yeah. Right? Where there's acceptance of who you are as a person.

SPEAKER_01 4:56

And so it starts with it actually starts with us.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:01

Okay. It is a and you can apply this anywhere, really, in any relationship you have. Um, I find it very useful in parenting. Um, I find it very useful with my mother-in-law. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

That's your trick. I wonder if she's listening right now.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

Love you, Ma. But it starts with you, and you are the only person that you can actually control, anyways. Yeah. Right. And so it starts with you. It starts with the humility to hear and receive.

SPEAKER_00 5:41

So can I just pause you because I think that it's what you said is so important. You know, we we all desire um attention from our bosses, attention from our spouses and all these other things, right? And you're very good at this. Now that I'm listening to you say this, I'm realizing what you do. But it does start with us. You know, you yes, you might have a boss that who has this authoritative responsibility to guide you and lead you, but the connection could be on us. We could make that connection. Same with our spouses. If you are feeling lonely because he has been working too much and doing too many things, you know, outside the house, you could make the initiative to make that connection first. Sorry, go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

And well, that connection starts with humility.

SPEAKER_00 6:34

Right.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

And and the humility to receive and then to hear, it it looks like it looks like respect. It looks like acceptance. It looks like when there are troubles or conflict, you're approaching it with curiosity.

SPEAKER_00 6:52

Yeah. So I mean, I I do this with kids where I get mad at them, right? But it's it's so helpful to see how it could work with your spouse. Like if you're mad at them, right? Or you're just, you know, maybe one of them is just so busy and caught up with life, you could have the humility instead of going, oh, he's always working, have the humility be like, so what's going on? How's work? Which makes sense. You do that all the time.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

Well, I think of the time where um you expected me to be mad. Okay. You expected me to to be mad at you or disappointed or something. And it was when you lied to me about something. Yeah. Um, oh, your your relapse.

SPEAKER_02 7:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

Yeah, I think it was one of your one of the times.

SPEAKER_00 7:41

The story's in episode number three.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

Is it?

SPEAKER_00 7:44

Yeah, maybe. Sounded good.

SPEAKER_01 7:48

Um no, I it was one of the times where you lied to me be about something, and you oh, yeah, it was about relapse. So we were in you pick me up from work, we parked in the parking lot, and instead of driving out of the parking lot, you actually just found a shady place to like park. And I'm like, what's going on? And I looked at you and you looked like scared. Yeah. I think we just got married at that time combined or something. Yeah, I was ashamed.

SPEAKER_00 8:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:18

Yeah. And you told me the truth.

SPEAKER_02 8:24

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:25

And um and and like I'm zooming back into that moment. I could have gotten mad because you lied. And is truth is very foundational for me, right? But I approached it with curiosity. Why is it? Yeah, what happened?

SPEAKER_00 8:43

You connected first.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

I connected with you first.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

I wish I could do that more with my children, but that is the truth. I think we can always do more. What were you really thinking when you dropped that in the toilet?

SPEAKER_02 8:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

You know, like what were you really thinking? I'm trying to understand. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

And you know what's crazy is I started recently doing this, and they actually have very logical reasons why they do things.

SPEAKER_02 9:14

What happened the other day?

SPEAKER_00 9:16

It would happen the other day. I lost it. I lost it like crazy. But then come to find out, there was a perfectly good reason why they did what they did. So um, but but let me let me um bring this home a little bit to your first point about connection first. Because in Hebrews 4 16, okay, the scripture says that let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, okay, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. And what it's saying is in time of need, so we we when we make mistakes, what we don't realize is it's a time of need. And maybe you do realize that it's a time of need, but what we do is completely opposite. We do exactly what Adam and Eve did is we hide.

SPEAKER_01 10:04

Shame.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

Shame. We hide from God, we hide from the other person, we hide, we ran away from the problem, right? And some of us never get back to it. We turn 80 and we still hide from that problem. And what this is saying is you run to grace. That's connection first. Because who's full of grace? It's God. It clearly says that in John is that Jesus is full of grace and truth. So you run to him, and he doesn't just have grace like in the heart. He has gr he has a throne full of grace, throne of grace. You run back to him because he desires connection first. Yeah. Right? And I'll mention something else about connection first because when sin happened, he actually connected first as well. But I think I'm gonna mention it in one of your other points. So, what was your second one?

SPEAKER_01 10:50

Um, I put down like with the humility, some sometimes it is I think sometimes we try to protect our discomfort. So when somebody is, you know, telling you something, or like this incident where you lied to me, I I could feel uncomfortable, right? Like I could get defensive, I can get mad, but in that moment, it is being present with you. Yeah, and actually, my thought at that moment was this is unlike him. So there must be something more. I just don't know what it is, right? This is it is not you to act like this.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

Yeah, and I'm smiling because not not, I mean, I I agree with you, but like but but I I think that when you run to the throne of grace, God will help you understand who you really are and how he views the issue or the mistake or the sin. Because reality is it's not us. It's like we made a mistake, we live in a fallen world, stuff happens, and there's so much more to us that we don't even know. But the creator knows. Yeah, that's why he says, run to the throne of grace, run, run, right? Majority of the time we sin and we're like we crawl back to the throne of grace. No, he's saying run to the throne of gaze so that I can help you in time of need.

SPEAKER_01 12:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:30

Sorry, go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 12:31

Um, yeah. Another way to stay to be that safe place for somebody is being um consistent and predictable. You know, you we hear it all the time. It's like I hear I have I hear kids saying, you know, I don't know how my parents are gonna react to that. You know, versus I know I can go to my mom and tell her and she's she's gonna be okay. She's she's gonna make me feel like everything is okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:02

She's still gonna be because she's done it before.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

Because I gave her other crazy things and she was still okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

Got it.

SPEAKER_01 13:08

Versus, you know, I don't know how I don't know how my parents are gonna react because their reaction, their response has been inconsistent, and that inconsistency is not predictable.

SPEAKER_03 13:20

Right.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

So then you don't feel safe.

SPEAKER_03 13:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:23

I can tell you, I can tell you something and know that okay, you're gonna get it when I go over my budget.

SPEAKER_00 13:31

When I actually don't feel safe buying a paper bag because I'm inconsistent and unpredictable.

SPEAKER_01 13:43

You have been.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

Yes, but you know, it teaches me a lesson here about or the paper bag situation, guys.

SPEAKER_01 13:49

He does not like it when I have to pay 10 cents at the grocery store.

SPEAKER_00 13:54

It's kind of a robbery, guys. It's taxation without representation. It is the most blasphemy thing. I don't even know what right word to use in this point. 10 cents for a paper bag? What world do we live in?

SPEAKER_01 14:06

Isn't it like 25 cents somewhere else? Anyways, we can get to that. But you you have gotten really mad at me for buying a paper bag because I came in for came into the store to buy two items and I walked out with 15. And so I needed a paper bag.

SPEAKER_00 14:25

Well, one, you walked out with 15. Secondly, there were bags in the back.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

I know. So there I'm like, gosh, I'm all I go in the car and I know you're gonna see me carrying a paper bag with stuff inside, and I can already, I'm like, I'm already defensive. I already have like three excuses in my head to come up, like, right? Because I don't feel safe. I mean, it's humorous to think about it because it's such a small problem, right? But I notice that I'm like, here I am. I have to think of what are the reasons why I got this 10 cents.

SPEAKER_00 14:59

But that's that's very helpful to know because consistent and predict, I mean, I'm not saying I am consistent or predictable. Obviously, we just use an example where I'm not. But um, if we make our motto in life to connect first, especially with our children, we can create a safe environment for them where they know that there's consistency and predictability. Right? Reality is no matter what our kids go through, we want them to come to us. Even spouses, right?

SPEAKER_01 15:26

Like there's I mean, just think of like if you're an ad like an adult and you don't have a connection with mom or dad, right? Like, what if you just go and say, Mom? You know, I wish you know, what was it about me or about our younger years when it was really difficult for you? What is it about dad that was making you so upset? You know, like once you really know where the other person is. I mean, we're talking about kids, but I'm talking about in any relationship.

SPEAKER_03 16:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:12

If I in that same situation and I just go, babe, so what was going on at that time that made you lie to me in XYZ? Right. Yeah. What was it? It has a more opening feel to it.

SPEAKER_02 16:32

Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:33

That must that was I can tell it was really challenging for you telling me the truth.

SPEAKER_02 16:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

You know, because I might get mad at you, but I'm actually more proud of you for for doing that.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

Yeah, for telling the truth.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

Right. Like that is that just feels different than what's wrong with you.

SPEAKER_02 16:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

Just tell me the damn truth. You know, like that's not that like what it has this mindset of what is wrong with this person too, what are you struggling with? And you know what? Because sometimes our sorry, because sometimes our behavior is a clue into what and it's a clue into what we are having a hard time with.

SPEAKER_02 17:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:20

You know, we have, you know, if your teenage, if you're if your teenager is acting up, it's not about the behavior. What's going on underneath that behavior?

SPEAKER_00 17:30

What's inside the heart? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:31

What's what is he experiencing right now that he's acting like this? That's not who he is. So what's going on?

SPEAKER_00 17:39

And connection before.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

And then you connect with your kid that way or your spouse that way.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

And what an opportunity to build a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 17:47

And like saying, because I can go, this is not like you. Like I know you're not like this. So what has what's happening here?

SPEAKER_00 17:56

Yeah. And you get to, and you get to get to the root problem together with your, you know, whoever you were talking to. You know, this this happened in um in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve sinned, right? And they were hiding because they're, you know, they're now they're ashamed. And now they actually they were conscious about their nakedness and the fallen world that we were in now. And so I think that internally they even knew, oh my God, something has happened that is drastically wrong with earth, right? With creation. This is mother and father of creation. So the first thing God does is actually he comes and looks for them. Connection, right? And then he also covers them, he covers their bodies, right? Like you don't have to be ashamed that you're naked. And then he drives them out of the garden for their own safety.

unknown 19:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

And he connected with them. And he prophesied. He's like, This is what I'm gonna do to the enemy that actually created this sin. And um, I mean, a lot of connection there, right? Yeah, he's the author of connection, of course.

SPEAKER_01 19:14

Yeah, and I think that's I mean, we talk about relationship with him, but that's that's the conversation.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

And and if you are seeking the truth, um he will always do the reach out first. Because for him to reveal himself, like all you need is an open heart, and he will connect with you first.

SPEAKER_01 19:37

I hope this doesn't happen, but like there are also relationships out there or marriages out there where you are married and you have a partner, but you feel totally alone, right? You might as well not be married, not be married, yeah, right? And then and so what is that about? Like, is your spouse are you creating a safe place for your spouse? Yeah, and how does that look like? Right? This is the like being real, right? The being real, being authentic, like your most vulnerable, the the most vulnerable parts of you. You're taking that risk to share it with this person, yeah. And safety means I'm holding you. I'm holding you, and you're gonna be you're gonna be, we're gonna be okay, you're gonna be okay, and it's you're safe with me. Yeah, I'm not gonna try and fix you, I'm not gonna try and change you, I'm not gonna try and solve your problems. Like, I get it. Like I'm gonna hold that space for you. Um the but when you're you that vulner that vulnerability is it's a risk. You're take and hopefully by that time you you you feel safe enough to like that it's no longer a risk. Like if I do something shameful or something that I feel very bad about, I would be able to go to you. Right? Like when you came and had to tell me the truth, that was a lot of shame. And we have to consistently show up in a in a safe way of non not being judgy and not being trying to to fix them. Because knowing that there are different parts of us, yeah, right. Like there is a there's a part of us that we can be proud about. Like, I'm very good at this. There's a part of us that is broken.

SPEAKER_03 21:54

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

And and can we and a lot of time we want to hide that. Yeah, right. So I know for one of the knowing your triggers help. Yeah, like if I like as a parent, I can pretty I can pretty much hold most emotions. If you're mad at me, if you're rude to me, if you don't listen, if you're angry, if you're sad, if you're disappointed, I can hold a lot of those emotions for the for our kids. But one that I really struggle with is the feeling like when they are feeling defeated. It's a trigger.

SPEAKER_02 22:37

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

Like if they are feeling defeated, because what one of my value is like you don't give up, you keep going, you keep trying, you you keep going, honey, right? Yeah, but if they're like I just can't, I'm defeated. Yeah, like that's such a big trigger. So knowing that we have to be okay with accepting them no matter, no matter where, like, no matter how they feel.

SPEAKER_03 23:03

Right.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

You don't want to shut down that that feeling. Like a lot of us may have grown up with um our parents saying, Don't cry, suck it up.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:15

Well, guess what? That tells the kid I can't be vulnerable.

SPEAKER_02 23:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:20

And why do so many of us struggle with vulnerability? Because we were told to suck it up.

SPEAKER_02 23:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

It's like if I show my vulnerability, I'm not loved, I'm not safe.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

Yeah. And a lot of times they tell us not to cry because they're uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_01 23:36

Exactly. And that's my point of like a lot of the time it's our own discomfort that we're trying to save.

SPEAKER_00 23:42

All right. Okay. Can we cap it?

SPEAKER_01 23:44

Well, we hope you enjoyed this episode. And if you do, please subscribe, like the button wherever it is, and we'll see you at our next episode.