S1E34: Decompression

This Week in Moonhaven Falls:

Moonhaven gets an ominus warning just as they settle back into a familiar groove

Elara Meadowlight warns against unexpected boons in Omen Outcast

Ignis hosts the weekly wit check with last week's answers

Selene and Audrick chat about Difficult terrain in the Magic minute

and

Timmy interviews an odd man who is 'Definitely not 5 Gnomes in a trench-coat'.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:04

Good morning, Moonhaven Falls! This is Audrey Cashmere. It's been a wonderful week since the Blue Vault was allowed to dissipate, and I, for one, have enjoyed getting back into the swing of everyday life without it. I do, however, have a rather unusual bulletin to lead with today. Our resident, Lich in Residence, Gary, has sent over a missive via a very soot-stained and reanimated bat. Now, normally I would ignore Gary's doom and gloom forecasts, but Alara Vancroft has corroborated this particular report. It would seem the floodwaters didn't just wash away our topsoil, they stirred the deep silt of the Shadow Fen. Gary is warning us of mistwalkers, creatures of shadow and malice led by something he's calling a fade. He describes this leader as a tall, eyeless figure that drinks the courage of men by looking at them. His advice? Carry ghost steel, or a silvered weapon, and keep your lanterns shuttered with clear glass, not colored. Also, if you feel a sudden unnatural chill, do not look behind you. The town guard is choosing to take this warning seriously, and has already reinforced the East Bridge. If Gary's worried, I'd say there's definitely a reason for caution at the very least. He's certainly earned that much respect. Of course, this isn't the only stir crazy behavior coming out of the mud lately. Reports from the plateau suggest that Lord Kendrick had a rather ceramic encounter late last night. Apparently a local gnome wizard has been quite busy repurposing the post-flood clay into a pint-sized militia. A horde of Earth Golem Garden gnomes attempted to storm the castle gate last night, and while our Lord is publicly dismissing the invasion as a minor landscaping dispute, the town guard is not laughing. Mostly because it's hard to chuckle with shattered kneecaps. Lord Kendrick has been swatting the occasional muddy assassin still fluttering about the dinner table, though he does maintain he's mostly just annoyed that he can't find the wizard's proper address to send a formal complaint, or, you know, a fireball. As for our local expert on the macabre, Gary has been summoned to the castle with all due haste to assist in the cleanup, or perhaps just explain why the mud is now biting back, and so was unavailable for further comment on the Shadow Fen situation. Stay safe, Moonhaven. This is Audrey Cashmere with the Crystal Network.

SPEAKER_03 2:39

Greetings, seekers of destiny, and welcome once more to the Arcane Whispers, If Hilara Meadow Light. Thirty-four weeks have now been woven into the loom of fate, carried on the transformative wind, since the Phoenix's initial fiery ascension first scorched the horizon of our spirits. We have walked through the tribulation, we have felt the weight of the void staring down upon us. Fifteen days have now passed since the triple shadow last stretched its dark fingers across the valley. Today, however, with the sun finely peaking through our protections, our omen is written in the language of the unexpected. The scrying waters today showed me a shepherd, grazing his flock near the edge of the plateau, near the settling rivers, and discovering a spring that had not existed the night before. Yet when he tasted its waters, they were not sweet, but rather bitter as gall, yet turned his hair and the wool of his sheep to a shimmering, silky mithril strands before drying up before his very eyes. An unforeseen boon. It is a gift that brings complication. A blessing that feels like a burden. This omen warns us that a test of character looms in the middle distance. Change is no longer coming, but rather knocking, and it has brought a gift that you can't refuse, but may not wish to accept. A special note on the unasked offering be careful with the gift that arrives in the next few weeks. It may manifest as a sudden premonition that you aren't yet ready for, or a secret shared in confidence that seems to weigh upon your conscience. Perhaps a windfall of coin that brings a swarm of new friends. But this boon is the universe's way of checking the quality of your foundation. How you handle this sudden abundance or this sudden complication will determine your standing when the great change finally arrives. Character is not forged in lack, but proven in how we manage plenty. For those of you born under the sign of the whispering willow, that is mid spring to early summer, the boon arrives as a surge of unnatural growth. You may find your influence expanding faster than your wisdom, or a project suddenly blooming, but out of season. It's a beautiful complication, but it is one that threatens to topple a shallow root system. Look for a plant thriving in an exposed and challenging environment, perhaps a weed pushing through a crack in the stone of the town square, or a small flower growing in the crack of a sidewalk. Let that be your token of strength, and when the gift of new responsibility feels too heavy, remember that true power isn't about the size of the bloom, but the tenacity of the root. The falls today sound like a heavy, persistent rain, reminding you to drink deeply before the sun grows too hot. For those of you born under the sign of the soaring griffin, that is, late summer to early autumn, your boon comes in the form of a shortcut. An opportunity will present itself that promises to bypass the hard climb to the peaks of your personal mountain, and it will be a very tempting offer. But it carries a hidden cost, potentially to your integrity. Look around and notice the way the light catches on a shard of crystal or cut glass in your path today, seeming to hum with the static of the air around you. That sudden spark is your token of strength, and it reminds you that while the light is a gift, it can also blind. Use that clarity to see the strings attached to the easy way before you make your decision. The roar of the falls is commanding today, elemental in its might, urging you to keep the higher altitude, no matter how steep the ascent. For those of you born under the sign of the deepening mire, that is, mid-autumnum to early winter, for you the unasked offering will be a sudden and piercing insight. You'll see a truth about a friend or a leader that you would rather have stayed ignorant of. This knowledge is your bitter spring, but it is valuable, even as it stains the hands. Please be on the lookout for a dark feather or a piece of electrically scarred stone laying in the mud where it doesn't belong. This is your token of strength, and it is a piece of the storm that has already passed, reminding you that truth, however heavy, is the only thing that does not wash away in the flood of knowledge. The trickling waters of the falls revibrate with an ancient raw power, advising you that silence is sometimes the best container for a dangerous gift. For those of you born under the sign of the frozen hearth, that is, late winter to early spring, your boon will be a surge of sudden vitality that seems almost violent in its intensity. After the long winter, the fire of the Phoenix is suddenly burning too bright within you. You may find yourself restless, uncomfortable with the amount of energy contained. You may feel the need to burn bridges just to watch the light. I strongly recommend that you seek out a piece of wood or a place of solitude that seems to hum with a primal energy. Let this be your token of strength. Feel its power, feel its serenity. Let it ground that excess heat. This vitality is a gift, and it's meant for a coming change, not for scorching the earth today. For you, the falls surge with an electrifying force, speaking of a power that must be carefully channelled, not merely unleashed. Please remember that these are but whispers from the cosmic currents, glimpses of that which may be. The universe rarely gives us what we want, but it always gives us that which we need to become who we are meant to be. Hold to your gifts with a steady hand, for the test of character is the final gate before the new dawn. Please remember that the choices that you make the actions that you take these are the true shapers of your destiny. And may the light of the moon guide you on your path through the silvered mists, and may you find the strength to carry your fortune well. I am Alara Meadowlight, and this has been your Omen Outcast.

SPEAKER_05 10:06

Good morning, Moonhaven Falls. This is Ignis, the scaled sophisticate, blessing you once again with the melodious sound of my voice. I must admit your performance last week was unexpected. To the gentleman who attempted to deliver a bucket of cloud by capturing the morning mist, your container was empty, but your enthusiasm was quite admirable. Also, Timmy tells me the office now smells like a tropical plantation thanks to the fruit influx, a vast improvement over the silent pass era, he assures me. You are beginning to look past the surface of things, beginning to see the world not as a collection of objects, but rather a collection of possibilities. Because you've shown me a spark of effort, I shall simply have to provide the tinder. First, though, the answers to last week's riddles are as follows an hourglass, a pineapple footsteps, a cloud, a ruler ice and an age, or years or life if you prefer. Now, here is the first of seven new paths for you to walk. Do please take your time. The view is far better when you aren't rushing about, you know. I am a trap that catches the silver of the stream, but lets the water pass unhindered. I am made of many knots, but have no hands to tie them. I am the weaver's pride and the shoreman's life. What am I? The first of seven challenges. I shall of course be awaiting near the crystal to hear your thoughts. Timmy, do please ensure the station's fruit supply is distributed to the local orphans. I do believe Hazel would appreciate the gesture. Until next week, Moonhaven. Keep those sparks flying.

SPEAKER_03 12:20

Good afternoon, Moonhaven Falls. My mother is currently occupied. Apparently, forty feet of river water leaves behind some rather stubborn arcane damp in the ley lines that she insists she must personally scrub out. So I'm afraid you're stuck with me for the magic minute. I am Celine Meadowlight, and I do promise to try and keep my mother's circle talking to a manageable minimum. In town news today, please be careful near the Moonhaven Falls Overlook. Now that the dome is gone, the residual slime weave from the riverbed has coated all of the railings. If you touch them, you may find your hands glowing a faint neon green for the next six hours or so. It is harmless, but it does make sneaking into the kitchen for a midnight snack nearly impossible. For our item of lore today, we'll look at the dry pockets cloak. This is a favorite among students of the academy. No matter how much it rains, no matter how many carts splash you or how often you fall into a pond, not even if, say, an entire town were to get submerged, the contents of your pocket would remain perfectly dry. The catch? The cloak itself absorbs all of that moisture. By the end of a rainy day, the pockets aren't wet, but you are wearing a garment that is as waterlogged as it's possible for it to get. The magic doesn't remove the water, after all, it merely moves the problem somewhere else. Now for the laws of reality. Fifth magical revision.

SPEAKER_04 13:41

I don't suppose you can cover an easy way to move around. The town is still more damp than usual, even if we are managing the increased water level for the moment.

SPEAKER_03 13:51

Well, since Audric mentioned getting around, I'll assume that many of you are eyeing the river in sluices and thinking about difficult terrain.

SPEAKER_04 13:59

Honestly, I was actually thinking about the mud. Half the town still feels like a swamp despite the cleanup. It's making me take twice as long to walk home in the evening. That's difficult terrain, right? Every step costs double the effort.

SPEAKER_03 14:13

Exactly. Under the laws of the weave, every foot you move in difficult terrain costs an extra foot of your movement. But here's the esoteric loophole that most people miss. They call it the crawling contradiction. I'm sorry, the what? Alright, Audric. If you are knocked prone in the mud, say you stub your toe on a concealed rock and you decide to crawl instead of standing up, how much movement do you think it costs you?

SPEAKER_04 14:40

Well, crawling is slow, and the mud would slow that down further, so quadruple? A quarter of my normal movement speed?

SPEAKER_03 14:51

One would think, yes, but the law actually states that difficult terrain and crawling are additive, not multiplicative. Crawling costs an extra foot per foot. Difficult terrain does as well. So, instead of moving at one quarter of your speed, you would move at one third. You don't multiply the penalties, merely stack the costs.

SPEAKER_04 15:11

So you're saying it's mathematically more efficient to crawl through a swamp than the laws of common sense would suggest?

SPEAKER_03 15:18

Well, technically, yes, but it does get better. Have you heard of the long distance travel pace?

SPEAKER_04 15:25

You mean the thing cops do, proceeding? I'm an expert at energy-saving walking, Celine.

SPEAKER_03 15:32

Well, most people believe that if they push themselves to a fast pace, they'll get to, for example, Lord Pernacious's castle quicker. And they will. But the law dictates that at a fast pace, you actually suffer a penalty equivalent to minus five impact bonus to your passive perception. Wait. Why? I'm just walking faster, my eyes still work. Well, yes, but the weave decides that if your legs are moving quickly, your brain isn't indexing the environment properly. You may be literally too busy walking to notice the goblin hiding behind a bush. If you want to actually see threats, you have to walk at a standard pace, and if you walk slowly, you can actually use stealth while traveling.

SPEAKER_04 16:16

So if I want to be safe, I have to walk like a snail. If I want to be fast, I'll be oblivious. Is there no normal anymore?

SPEAKER_03 16:26

Oh, Audric, normal is for people who don't live in a town that was just an aquarium. In the Magic Minute, we prefer to examine the extremes. Also, as a reminder to the listeners, you can't vortex dash. You can only dash once every six seconds unless you have a very specific set of roguish skills. Trying to do so twice just results in what my mother calls temporeal exhaustion, or as most people call it, tripping over your own feet.

SPEAKER_04 16:52

Okay, one-third speed, minus five to seeing things. You know what, I think I'll just stay in town. There's a reason I was the town crier, not an adventurer, you know.

SPEAKER_03 17:05

It does sound like that may have been a wise choice. Hey! This has been the magic minute. Stay safe, everyone, and please stop trying to pet the river eels that got trapped in the sluices. They can and will bite. This has been Celine Meadowlight with the Magic Minute.

SPEAKER_01 17:26

This is Tammy for the Crystal Network. I'm currently standing on the Bahamut Plateau in the foothills, just west of a dragon spike range. It's a lot deeper with an looks from the studio. I'm here seeking an audience with a great wizarding gnome regarding the recent uh unpleasantness involving the castle. Oh! Hello there! Excuse me, sir, or sirs. I was hoping to talk to the wizarding gnome.

SPEAKER_00 18:09

You are addressing the official Spokesperson. Master is busy. Greatly busy.

SPEAKER_04 18:17

Doing wizarding things up high.

SPEAKER_01 18:21

I see. And you are?

SPEAKER_07 18:24

I am definitely not five gnomes in a trench coat. How dare you imply that?

SPEAKER_01 18:29

Um I didn't.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Oh. Well.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

Good. So what can I call you?

SPEAKER_00 18:37

Drogdoor. Drogdor? Really?

SPEAKER_07 18:41

I thought we agreed to We never actually look, I still like it has gravitous power.

SPEAKER_01 18:48

Can I call you Fivegate until you figure out what super cool codename you want to give me? Drog Owl!

SPEAKER_07 18:56

Stop it! Fine!

SPEAKER_04 18:58

FiveGate works, yes. I am Fivegate, and I am one singular, very tall individual. I have a very long spine and exactly the correct number of limbs that I keep tucked away for safety.

SPEAKER_01 19:13

Right. Well, Mr. Fivegate, Moonhaven Falls is a big concern. The recent attacks from the plateau has dir at the castle. Can you tell us why the wizarding gnome has turned magic against the valley?

SPEAKER_07 19:31

Master is not attacking. He is he is riding past wrongs.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Past wrongs? Like what? Was it a kid's hoping dispute?

SPEAKER_00 19:43

A library fine? It's deeper than paper. It's about settling the balance. The scales have tipped. The valley is just too much, and the plateau just isn't enough. And and Master seeks to reclaim former glory.

SPEAKER_01 19:58

Former glory. Does it involve more fireballs? Because Audric said he insurance premiums uh are already through the roof.

SPEAKER_02 20:10

Glory is not insured. It's earned. We uh I mean uh uh he shall restore the ancient heights. The world will remember the name of the That was very dramatic.

SPEAKER_01 20:26

But truly is there's a way good to settle this without the golem. Maybe sit down at the station? We have excellent stones.

SPEAKER_02 20:35

Scones? Sconesy blueberries? Quiet, Steve!

SPEAKER_04 20:41

Scones are a distraction, a buttery, flaky, delicious distraction. Uh we uh he will not be swayed. The balance must be struck, the wrongs must be righted, the glory must be formally reclaimed You're being very vague, Mr.

SPEAKER_01 21:02

Five Gate. Are you even authorized to give specific demands? My demand is you stop looking at my knees.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

They are perfectly normal knees, and do not sound like three people whispering about leg crabs. I did not mention your knees. Well, good. Then we're in agreement. And this interview is concluded, and we need to go walking very carefully, in a straight line that way. Wait, just one more question.

SPEAKER_01 21:29

Is it true the wizard Ning and Num is allergic to No More Questions!

SPEAKER_06 21:34

Glory!

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Well, it seems we have, folks. I didn't get much in the way of peace terms, but I did learn that former glory apparently involves a very large beige trench coat and a lot of internal arguing. Back to you at the studio, Audrey!

SPEAKER_04 22:00

Thank you for listening, ladies and gentlemen. This concludes our episode for the week. I release a new episode every Tuesday morning at 5 AM Eastern, and I do hope you've all found this podcast to be diverting, enjoyable, and perhaps even a little bit captivating. If you did, I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to subscribe to the channel or follow the podcast, and a second one to rate it and share it with a friend or a community. It's a simple, easy action, it lets the algorithm know that you listen to and want to continue hearing these stories. As a reminder, we would be delighted to see your answer to Igneous' daily challenges. I post them on Facebook and Patreon once a day. There should be a link to both pages in the description, and if you'd like to engage with a specific character, or just the channel in general, please pop in and say hello. Thank you to all of our supporters. My family and I genuinely appreciate all of you showing your support by tuning in every week, and we'd like to thank you for continuing to do so. Please keep in mind that I personally create, edit, record, and produce all of the content for this show, with the occasional guest appearance from my wife and children. So if you'd like to buy any of us a cup of coffee or a bottle of lemonade, once a month, as encouragement to continue creating it, we would gratefully accept. I look forward to seeing you in the comments, and I hope you tune in again next week.