Episode 087: You Are Allowed to Not Be "Fine"

"I am fine." Three words. Automatic. And sometimes completely untrue.

If you have ever answered "blessed" while your chest was tight, or typed "all good!" with an exclamation point you did not feel - this episode is a quiet exhale. 

In this episode, we explore why "I am fine" has become such an automatic response for women - especially in faith communities - and what the research says it actually costs your body when you keep performing "okay."

What you will walk away with:

• Why putting feelings into words produces measurable changes in your health (the research on this is remarkable)
• What happens inside your body when the outside says "fine" and the inside says otherwise
• A simple shift that takes less than ten seconds and can release more than you expect

SCRIPTURE HIGHLIGHT: "Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge."  Psalm 62:8

Research note: This episode references James Pennebaker’s expressive writing research at the University of Texas (replicated across 100+ studies) and Gross & Levenson’s foundational work on emotional suppression and physiological stress response.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to your next best step. I'm Coach Janet J, and today we're having a conversation about kind of a loud habit, the one where someone asks you how you are, and your mouth says, Fine, before your brain even checks in. If that sounds familiar, this episode is for you. There is a sentence most women can say in their sleep, automatic, almost involuntary. I'm fine. And you have probably said it twice today already. And at least once it was not true. Researchers have found that what you do not put into words does not stay invisible. It shows up in your body in ways that you would never expect. Sometimes you really are fine. Sometimes it's shorthand for I do not want to get into it right now. And that's completely valid. The problem is when fine becomes your default setting, when it stops being a choice and it starts being a reflex. When someone at church asks how you're doing and you say blessed while your chest is tight and your eyes are stinging, or when a friend texts to check in and you type all good with an exclamation point that you do not feel. This is not about being negative, and it's not about dumping your entire life story on the cashier at Target. This is about the quiet pattern where performing okay becomes so habitual that you stop checking in with yourself at all. Women in particular are trained in this. We learn early that our pain is more palatable when it is packaged neatly. Smile, be grateful, do not make anyone uncomfortable. And in faith communities, there can be an extra layer. The unspoken belief that struggle means weak faith. So we wrap our pain in scripture and call it trust. Here's where the science does get quite interesting for us. Psychologist James Pennebaker at the University of Texas has spent decades studying what happens when people put their emotional experiences into words. His research, replicated across more than a hundred studies, consistently shows that translating feelings into language, even just writing them down privately, produces measurable improvements in immune function and reduces visits to the doctor. Participants who wrote about difficult experiences for just 15 minutes a day over four days showed stronger immune responses and better psychological well-being months later. And the flip side is just as important. Research by psychologists James Gross and Robert Levinson found that when people suppress their emotions, when they work to look calm on the outside while something is turning on the inside, their sympathetic nervous system actually ramps up. Heart rate changes, blood pressure increases, the body is working harder, not less, even though the face says everything is fine. So your body is keeping an honest record, even when your words are not. Let me bring this closer to home. Think about the last week. How many times did someone ask you how you were doing and you gave the automatic answer without even pausing? Maybe you told your sister, hanging in there, how privately drowning in worry about your parents' health. Maybe you told your small group, God is good, which is true, while leaving out that you have been crying in the shower. Maybe you told yourself you were fine so many times that you stopped noticing that you were not. Most of us learned early. We learned it so well that the performance runs on autopilot now. And the autopilot does not have an off-switch unless you deliberately reach for one. Psalm 62.8 says this trust in him at all times, you people. Pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Pour out. That is the language the psalmist uses. Pour out like something that has been held too tightly for too long and needs to come spilling out. God didn't ask you for the tidy summary, and he certainly didn't ask for the cleaned up version. He is your refuge, and refuge is where you go when things are not fine. You obviously do not have to have it together before you walk through that door. This matters across every part of who you are. Emotionally, suppressing how you feel costs energy. You do not have despair. Spiritually, performing fine before God creates distance in one relationship that can actually hold your honesty. Mentally, the effort of maintaining the performance takes up space that could go toward clarity and problem solving. And physically, as the research shows, your body absorbs what your words will not say. Here is your next best step. The next time someone asks how you are, pause just for a breath. Before the automatic fine comes out, check in with yourself. You do not have to bear your soul, and you certainly do not owe anyone your full story. You could say, It has been a week, or I'm getting through it, or even just, you know what, I'm kind of tired. One honest sentence to one safe person, it can release more than you realize. And if there is nobody safe right now, tell God. Open a journal, write three sentences that are not fine. That counts. That is you pouring out your heart to your refuge. Research shows that putting your feelings into words improves your health, and holding them in costs your body more than you think. Psalm 62.8 invites you to pour out your heart, not perform for God and not perform for anyone else either. Your next best step is one honest sentence to one safe person or to God or even to a blank page. You are allowed to not be fine. On Monday, we're going to talk about something a lot of women do without realizing it. Slowly erasing their own opinions, preferences, and voice in the name of keeping the peace. If this sounds like a conversation you need to hear, make sure you are following or subscribed wherever you are listening or watching so you do not miss it. I will see you Monday. Take your next best step.