Do Christians Marry too Young? Relationships and Christian Culture

Matt and Courtney return from a long break to discuss marriage in both early and modern Christian culture, in light of Paul's advice to the Corinthian church. 

1. Proverbs 25:14 - boasting without substance

2. Paul's advice to the unmarried

3. The pitfalls of marriage for the purpose of self-control

4. How do we prepare well for success in marriage?

5. Marriage as a partnership that reveals the worst and forges the best of each person

6. Covert contracts and unmet expectations

Join the conversation as we discuss Atypical questions about God and life. Thanks for listening!

Drop us a line!

Insta: @atypical_christian

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Hi everyone, welcome back to A Typical Christian Podcast.

SPEAKER_06 0:17

Yes, welcome back. It's been a while.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

Has been a while.

SPEAKER_06 0:23

Hmm. We did have an episode that we put out last week, but it was a pre-recorded one, so we hadn't actually recorded it recently.

SPEAKER_01 0:33

This is the first one recorded for the new year, 2026.

SPEAKER_06 0:36

Yes. What has been happening? Um we've had a lot of sickness, I think is amazing.

SPEAKER_01 0:46

It's been a rolling sickness, yep. Every no one has been safe in our household. Nobody's been no one spared the yep.

SPEAKER_06 0:53

We were sick over Christmas, New Year's, had a bit of a break, got sick again. Uh so that was fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:02

Yes. And then Horseman of Pestilence has indeed visited our household. We went camping.

SPEAKER_05 1:10

Camping? That was good-ish. Goodish.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

That's as good as camping is, you know.

SPEAKER_05 1:17

Yeah, I don't know about the place which create the kids love the the long.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

How long? You said to me that you've only got how long? How long are you putting up with camp?

SPEAKER_06 1:27

I feel like three years I have in for the camping expeditions.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

That's fair. I think most of our stuff will last us like around three years with a bunch of camps.

SPEAKER_05 1:35

So oh great. Good.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

At least, I hope. We got a new tent, did not leak. That was great.

SPEAKER_05 1:42

It was good.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

And we we went with some cousins as well. So like the kids had lots of fun.

SPEAKER_06 1:48

They did, they did have lots of fun.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

It's a nice vibe. Shout out to all the cousins that came with us. Yeah. And we've got plenty of other topics to go on with. Um we do. The list has been growing. We're really excited to kick off our this new year. Episode 13.

SPEAKER_06 2:08

Wow, 13. That's your lucky number.

SPEAKER_01 2:11

That is my lucky number. I'm glad that you know that. But what do we do? If you if you're just joining us and you're just like you're cracking open a new podcast for the year, what do we do?

SPEAKER_06 2:22

We essentially talk about atypical questions, uh, Christianity, God, life, whatever it is, it's atypical. And we want to explore questions that people might not feel comfortable talking about or just didn't think to ask. That's what we do here.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

Yep. Amen. Uh, it's a great forum to have a bit of an informal, uh, imperfect conversation where we explore the different corners of an issue that affects Christians and Christianity and those interested in Christianity. Um, yeah, it's been really fruitful. I love it.

SPEAKER_06 3:03

Yes, it's been fruitful. It's been really good for you and I, I think. That's been the the best part. Um, but let's get stuck into it, I think.

SPEAKER_01 3:14

Yeah, well, hold on, just not be so hasty because we have a proverb to do. Pop and proverb style.

SPEAKER_05 3:19

I forgot about that.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

How soon we forget. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 3:22

Is that the proverb?

SPEAKER_01 3:23

That is what, how soon? How soon one forgets the proverbs of your youth? Uh no, okay, I've got a new one. Um, it's just a short one. I'm gonna you can finish the proverb. Okay. You ready? This is the first one of 2026. Uh, I'm excited. Okay. Poppin' proverbs. Like clouds and wind without rain is one who clouded and wind clouds and wind without rain is one who has no soul.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

No, uh, that's not uh do you want to try again?

SPEAKER_01 4:07

Like clouds and wind with no rain.

SPEAKER_06 4:10

Um, okay, clouds and wind with no rain. Hmm. Has no purpose.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Right. That is good. That is a good one. That's not what it says.

SPEAKER_05 4:22

I should write my own proverbs.

SPEAKER_01 4:23

Uh you should. So Proverbs 25, 14 says, like clouds and wind without rain, is one who boasts about gifts never given.

SPEAKER_06 4:34

Okay. Boasts about gifts never given.

SPEAKER_01 4:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 4:40

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

SPEAKER_01 4:44

I think it's bad. I think you're saying either either you're like, oh, um, someone who boasts about things that they're going to do, but don't do it.

SPEAKER_06 4:54

Uh okay, that's a bit different. Yeah. Like just constantly in the pipeline of either ideas or good intentions and never actually follow through.

SPEAKER_01 5:06

Yeah. Oh, like I, you know, oh I'm I'm I'd love to help you with that, and then never kind of follows through on it. Or like, oh, like I've got this that you could, you know, you could use this of mine if you like, but then never kind of follows through as you say.

SPEAKER_05 5:20

Yeah. We all know people like that. Don't we?

SPEAKER_01 5:26

I try really hard when I have the thought of saying I'll pray for someone. Not to pray for it.

SPEAKER_05 5:31

Oh no, I can't. Not to say it unless you're gonna do it. Yeah, yeah, for prayer. I just as soon as I've typed the message, I pray for them.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

Yeah, I know, that's what I do.

SPEAKER_05 5:39

Because I don't want to be the type of person that's like praying, pray prayer hands.

SPEAKER_01 5:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 5:46

And then the prayer hand emoji.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

Oh, right, right. I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 5:50

Some people, there's a dispute. I don't know if it's a dispute. There's a dispute between in my mind, is it a prayer hand or is it a high five? Because some people say it's a high five, other people say it's prayer hand.

SPEAKER_01 6:00

Well, I think they intentionally made it ambiguous because it's basically the same thing.

SPEAKER_05 6:06

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 6:07

In terms of like, if you were to take a photo of it.

SPEAKER_06 6:09

Do you know that was a gloss-shattering moment for me, just then? That they're the same thing.

SPEAKER_00 6:13

Two hands coming together.

SPEAKER_05 6:20

That is hilarious. That prayer is high-fiving. Are we like high-fiving God?

SPEAKER_01 6:26

You're kind of high-fiving yourself, but I guess, yeah, in your mind, you're high-fiving God.

SPEAKER_05 6:30

High five, God.

SPEAKER_01 6:31

High-five to now you'll always think of that. You'll be like, you're high-fiving God, you're doing both.

SPEAKER_05 6:39

You're high-fiving him in prayer.

SPEAKER_01 6:40

It's great.

SPEAKER_05 6:41

So positive.

SPEAKER_01 6:43

So don't be a cloud that pro that promises rain and you know, um nourishment, um, watering, and never deliver. Never deliver. Just don't be that. It's bad.

SPEAKER_06 6:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:00

People don't like that.

SPEAKER_06 7:01

No one, no one likes that.

SPEAKER_01 7:03

Plus God knows. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 7:05

Plus, you'll be totally severely judged.

SPEAKER_05 7:09

Joking.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Well, but it I mean, yeah. Yeah. Be generous people, I think. And like people that if you offer follow through, don't be like offer just offhand and without without intentionality.

SPEAKER_06 7:22

Like you do. No.

SPEAKER_01 7:24

I've I mean, I probably have done that.

SPEAKER_06 7:26

Have you?

SPEAKER_01 7:27

I don't know. I'm sure at some point I've I've said like, oh, it's something rather than not follow through with that at some time in my life. I think everyone does it.

SPEAKER_06 7:34

It's so typical of Christians, though. It's just like a bad. I think it's because we definitely have the intention that we want to do it, but then we don't realize how many different things we've committed ourselves to when we say it. And then we're like, oh, wait a minute, I have so much other stuff that I actually need to do. Do you know what's really helpful with that when we have those meal rosters or at church, like if you're on a meal roster and you commit to making people meals and stuff like that, that just really helps you be like, if I'm gonna put my hand down up for this, I actually have to deliver something. Yeah, otherwise they won't eat that.

SPEAKER_05 8:15

Like I can't just be like, yeah, sure, and then never follow through.

SPEAKER_01 8:19

Right. Because your name's on the list and you have to bring the food.

SPEAKER_04 8:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

Cool. Well, that's Pop and Bros for this week. Uh, a timely reminder. Uh, do what you say you're gonna do. Um yeah, yeah. All right, awesome.

SPEAKER_06 8:35

So, what we're gonna talk about is are Christians marrying too young? Are they getting married too young?

SPEAKER_01 8:45

Right, right.

SPEAKER_06 8:46

And I think you had an interesting thought that you wanted to share with me about that.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

You said you had something that you yeah, um, it's based, I mean, I think if you're gonna if you would ask me, and I'll I'll come to that in a second, but I guess if you were to ask me just straight, like, do you think Christians marry too young? I would say, yeah, a little bit.

SPEAKER_05 9:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 9:13

Um I don't think that's necessarily a problem, certainly for all Christians.

SPEAKER_06 9:18

Yeah, but why why do you think they're married too young?

SPEAKER_01 9:21

Uh, because I think there is there's a lot of there's a there's the pressure of abstinence during dating. And then so it's encouraged that you find the right expression of that sexual desire within a marriage. So it's kind of like if you're already dating, which a lot of people are in their in their youth, that's great. It's sort of there is pressure to well, don't sleep together now. Instead, get married, then you can sleep together as much as you want.

SPEAKER_06 9:48

Yeah. So you think that people get married young because they just want to have sex?

SPEAKER_01 9:54

I don't think all people get married young because they want to have sex. I think some people do, uh, because it says it in the Bible.

SPEAKER_06 10:03

Well, I'm talking about major okay, sure. Let's read what the Bible says first.

SPEAKER_05 10:07

Okay, which is crazy.

SPEAKER_01 10:10

It says, okay, 1 Corinthians 7, 8 to 9, and it says, now to the unmarried and the widows, I say, and this is all and I'm reading this out of context.

SPEAKER_05 10:19

Okay, sure. So do you want to give context then?

SPEAKER_01 10:21

Yes. Paul is talking to the Corinthian church. The Corinthian church have um a bit of a sexuality sort of problem, which is I think they're struggling to find the right way to express it. And I think some people are getting hurt, and in Paul's mind, some of these things are not good for them, the ways in which they're uh going about it. And so some of the people in church were like, some of them were kind of going too far and being like, Well, everything is good for us, we can express ourselves however we like, we can do as much, we can kind of do as much as it as we want. And he sort of preached against that to some extent, and he's also preached against people who say, Well, I'm never gonna have I'm married, and I'm never even gonna have sex. Oh, in marriage, in marriage, because it's not good. So he's he's trying to kind of preach to both sort of audiences, and that and so he sort of says, Um in within this wider passage, he's also saying, wherever you find yourselves when when when you are saved, remain in that if you can, because as you're gonna you're gonna have enough going on to trying to become uh trying to trying to learn about God and move into your faith and sanctification and grow in that faith and mature, you're gonna have enough to worry about rather than change your station.

SPEAKER_06 11:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:48

Um, so to so that aside, that little context point aside, 1 Corinthians 7, 8 and 9 says, now to the unmarried and the widows I say, it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do, but if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

SPEAKER_06 12:07

But like I think marriage was marriage was very different, or at least approached very differently in the time of Jesus. In that marriage was a means, it wasn't a romantic, it wasn't necessarily a romantic uh covenant between two people.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

Right.

SPEAKER_06 12:33

It was generally a means of gaining security, uh status, um knowing that you'll have a future as well, especially for well for both men and women. So it was not necessarily used in the same romantic way that we use it now, doesn't have the same romantic undertones that we have now within marriage. Um and so I can see why he would be like, if you're uh finding it finding it hard to abstain from having sex, then yeah, I would say go and get married. Um and I think it he he kind of speaks of it in such a way because marriage was not considered as a romantic act, or at least I mean, sorry, I'm there were instances of romance within marriage, you see that within the Old Testament, but I think that it wasn't the the driving force of why marriage has happened, right? And so if he's like, well, you can also approach this covenant that your contract that you have with someone as also a means to helping you satisfy yourself sexually, then go ahead, use it for that purpose as well, right?

SPEAKER_01 13:56

So he's sort of trying to steer them towards um towards that marriage can be me more than like a familial arrangement or a business kind of arrangement or like less you know, it there's it can be more to it, and it's also a great way to kind of um to express that sexual desire. So he's sort of leading towards, yeah, this is um having sex within marriage, that's that's good for you. And if there's a distraction on your end, um that's making it difficult to retain your self-control, then this is how I would this is the way to think about it that will be good for you.

SPEAKER_06 14:37

Is that what you mean? And yeah, I mean, this is also Paul's opinion, and I think he's quite um like he he says that this is like just like these these are my experiences, this is my opinion. This is not a direct word from God to tell you that this is what he wants you to do per se. So it's definitely open for subjective interpret well, not interpretation, but just open to uh a decision of your own making about how you want to do this.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Right. You're I mean I mean you would say that he's inspired by the spirit in that this is like sorry, I'm not saying that this is no, we're not okay.

SPEAKER_06 15:14

That's I'm not saying that this isn't God's word. I'm saying that there's parts of the Bible where Paul directly says, This is my opinion on this topic.

SPEAKER_01 15:24

That's true.

SPEAKER_05 15:25

And this is one of those.

SPEAKER_01 15:26

That's true.

SPEAKER_05 15:27

Okay, so that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_01 15:28

And it applied and he's directing it to the Corinthians, for example. He's not necessarily directing it to all people everywhere, but I think the principle is sound in that um marriage is a really good, good place in God's design for the expression of sexual love.

SPEAKER_02 15:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

What I the thought, the interesting thought that I had about it when I read it was uh if they cannot control themselves, they should marry. I think learning self-control is important before marriage.

SPEAKER_04 16:04

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:05

Um and I don't think I'm probably taking it a little bit um sort of to the side of what Paul's talking about. But I think if you can't control your sexual desire at all, I don't think this message like I don't think you should then be like, well, I just have to get married to my fiancee because I can't control myself, and that when I get married, that will help me control myself.

SPEAKER_06 16:32

Yeah, definitely. That I don't think, and that's why I say this is him kind of giving a word of advice as opposed to a blanket rule for all Christians to have to follow, because yeah, and also he's speaking to specific people about a specific issue that they're facing. Paul's talking to people in specific contexts, and I think if it was in the context that we're speaking of, of like, oh, are you marrying too young or are you marrying because you just want to have sex, then he might say something else. He might have a different perspective on what we should do. And I don't think he would be like, yeah, just get married to have sex. But I think it's hard because as I said, marriage wasn't sort wasn't looked as a romantic act, so you didn't have to feel like, oh, I have this lasting romantic relationship with this person that I'm married to. It has to make I have to make sure that my marriage is really like all the different marriage things that we now have, uh at least in Western society. Um so yeah, I think that we are putting our context of marriage into something that didn't exist then, right? And I think that's partly why I feel like we are like, oh, getting married just to have sex, like that's not romantic. That's not gonna build a lasting relationship. No, and I don't really think that people in that time even looked at marriage as that was the point, a lasting marriage and making sure it lasted. Because not to diminish when Jesus spoke about people divorcing, because I think part of him also talking about divorce and criticizing those who were divorcing people was because men were placing women in positions where they no longer had a means of security, and they weren't divorcing them for reasons that were valid, they were just going around divorcing women for the sake of divorcing them. Right, and that was very detrimental to the safety, the security, the general well-being of women. And I think that was part of why Jesus spoke about it as well and made a point of it, and also then brought in the sanctity of marriage, the the representation of marriages, and what that means in reflecting the covenant that God has made with us as well, and so brought intertwined that in with marriage to show the significance of marriage because there wasn't the significance of marriage wasn't sort of seen in the same way.

SPEAKER_01 19:40

Um okay, so do you think though, in today's context, do you think that people get married too early? Because I sort of answered from my perspective. Do you have a what's your kind of take on Christian culture in other words?

SPEAKER_06 19:53

And obviously it's different in different Christian cultures, but um I think there is a tendency for Christians to get married too early, I think. Um I'm being part I'm kind of part of those people. Yeah, I think you're uh 23. I was 23. So I was um yeah, I got married early. Um and I think that that is a tendency for Christians to do whether it's right or wrong is um is a matter of I guess individual circumstances. If we're wanting like a blanket, is it is it too is it wrong to get married too young? Um blanket, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 20:42

Maybe I'm gonna say no.

SPEAKER_06 20:44

Um I think the reason why I say that is because I think as as Paul alluded to, marriage is a hard it's a hard thing that you're entering into. Um and I think uh I think our world romanticizes it so much that we are delusioned into the complexities of marriage.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

Yeah, okay. You mean like you you we don't fully understand what we're getting into, perhaps.

SPEAKER_06 21:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

Right.

SPEAKER_06 21:21

Um we don't really comprehend what it means to be in a partnership with someone so closely.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

And it's very confronting.

SPEAKER_06 21:29

It's confronting. And I think that people try and use the rhetoric of, well, I got married young and I've been married for 50 years, and that wasn't wasn't a problem for us. Or I've been married for X amount of years and blah blah blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_02 21:47

Great.

SPEAKER_06 21:48

The amount of years you've been married is not a reflection of whether your marriage is good.

SPEAKER_02 21:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 21:55

Because someone can be in a very long term marriage and it wasn't a successful. One.

SPEAKER_02 22:01

Sure.

SPEAKER_06 22:02

And I think the reason I say that is because a lot of people, or a lot of women at least, have been reflecting on this, single women specifically, reflecting on this by looking at marriages that they have seen in their lives, whether that's a parent or auntie or relative, and then also looking at immediate marriages that they are seeing through friends and the like, and thinking, I'm looking at this partnership that these people are having, but neither of them are happy, or one is happy and the other's not happy. And this marriage is not successful, despite the longevity of the marriage.

SPEAKER_03 22:40

Right.

SPEAKER_06 22:41

Um, and so when I so in saying that I'm like, okay, if people are looking at marriages and people are also saying that they're in marriages that are not is this in Christian and secular? Yeah, Christian and secular. And saying that, and I'm and I'm I have no statistics to back this up or kind of data, but I promise you that's probably more dissatisfaction, probably, in a non-Christian marriage than Christian marriage. Uh sorry, a Christian marriage than a non-Christian marriage.

SPEAKER_01 23:10

Okay. I would more dissatisfaction in a Christian marriage.

SPEAKER_06 23:12

I think there is more dissatisfaction in Christian marriages than that. This is difficult.

SPEAKER_01 23:19

This is an interesting topic. We need to do some more research on this because that is interesting.

SPEAKER_06 23:23

Uh, but I I believe that um because of a host of different reasons, which you can talk about another time.

SPEAKER_01 23:30

But but there's also different, like satisfied in what way could be satisfied in sexual expression, satisfied in purpose, or like there's a lot of different areas of satisfaction. So, but but it'd be interesting to yeah, I'm interested to know if if generally survey says that yeah, in Christian marriages, you mean women or women or men are more dissatisfied than the statistics that I found when I was looking up a little bit was not about satisfaction. Okay. Um, I wish I'd now looked up more about that. Um, in fact, it was um sort of just looking at now, like 2024, as recent as that. What are the trends for if you get married younger, does your marriage last longer?

SPEAKER_05 24:16

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 24:17

Um, and it found that uh people who get married, people generally, both Christian and non-Christian, you get married younger, their marriages last are shorter than people who get married sort of in their late 20s. Late 20s at the moment, early 30s is like the sweet spot at the moment. It's not always been that. Um, I think it's gotten older over time. But there's another, there's a separate, a different correlation where if you got married younger but you didn't cohabitate before marriage, um if you first live together when you get married, it offsets the um the likelihood that you'll get uh that you might separate.

SPEAKER_04 25:05

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:06

So uh that's an interesting thing because it's kind of like as it as you get older towards your 30s, you're like, yeah, cool, more, and I think it's part and parcel of maybe some financial security, it may be kind of individual um sort of self-understanding, self-reflection that you generate over the course of your 20s, who you actually are, you're a little bit more uh more grounded, you don't need to kind of um do the growing up in the in the relationship, perhaps. I think we all have to do some growing up through it, but um but if you've actually if you've actually kind of not lived together first, I think the living together before marriage seems to have another like a negative effect on duration as well.

SPEAKER_03 25:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

Um, which is also pretty interesting. I wouldn't have I wouldn't have thought that would have threat like changed the needle that much.

SPEAKER_06 25:58

The statistic is not skewed by whether you lived with them or not. So we can look at the statistic of if you get married younger, you're more likely to separate than those who get married older.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Yes. Um just at a base level, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 26:14

Yeah, and I think I I'm not surprised by that only because, as I said, the complexities of getting married is great, and the complexities of getting married is great. Yeah, like the complexities within the marriage is great, not of getting like when you sorry, when I'm saying what are you confused by?

SPEAKER_01 26:37

What are the the complexities of marriage are great? What do you mean by that?

SPEAKER_06 26:40

Like being in a marriage is complex, and that is a good thing? Sorry, no, I mean great in volume.

SPEAKER_01 26:46

Oh, that's why I was confused. When I was like, the complexity of marriage are great, they're a really good thing. That's what I was confused. Okay, gotcha.

SPEAKER_05 26:54

No, not in not in like an adjective.

SPEAKER_01 26:56

There are a great many complexities.

SPEAKER_05 26:58

Isn't an adjective? It is, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:01

I just didn't clock it as that. Okay, continue.

SPEAKER_06 27:03

I meant there's a lot of complexities to marriage. Okay. So when you're getting married younger, you're far more naive about those complexities. You're um you generally are walking in blind or far more blind than the person who's maybe older. Now, I think some people say, oh, but it's about maturity. So if you're mature, that will help. Sure. Everyone that that's fine, but again, um the the difficulties that are rising marriages are not always tied to maturity per se. Um and I think if you and I I think with maturity, maturity not is not an age thing, and sometimes it's also not a length of time thing.

SPEAKER_01 27:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 27:58

I think you're either mature or you're not mature. That's that's my perspective on maturity.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

I feel like you are mature when you've gone through things that have formed you into someone that's mature, like it's more experience-based.

SPEAKER_06 28:09

I mean potentially I think you can I think if you would like to become a mature person, you can change into a mature person. But I think that is an active decision that you should make.

SPEAKER_03 28:23

Right.

SPEAKER_06 28:23

And I feel like you can't, it doesn't, I don't think it's time that creates maturity. Because I've not necessarily no because I've met so many people that I don't feel have been are mature in their thinking or their way of life, and their age is not a reflection of whether that gets better or worse. I think it's part and parcel who they are and who they want to be. So I think if we're looking at young people and saying, oh, but it's just whether you're mature or not, I don't know. I mean, that can be uh partly true, but I don't think that is the linchpin on whether you should be getting married when you're young.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

I think maybe some reasons why you would get married young. Uh I think giving your giving some of your younger years to your partner. So if you're in a long-term relationship and you get married, I think there's a lot more you can do when you are married, if you're a Christian couple. So you can you can uh travel, you can live together, you you grow a lot by living together, and you actually you kind of give your give your young years of time where a lot of people maybe in the secular world are off kind of um being a bit more self-interested, um uh less kind of um less attached to a person, less uh invested in growing with a person, and you can give that extra time to your partner. Like I think uh I mean, we have obviously a long time. We're 10 years in, we've got another 50 years to go, maybe 50, 60 years, that's a long time. But when you are young, you've got a lot of um just a lot of energy, a different way of seeing the world. It's nice to gift that to your partner, and it's also nice to give, like, um, I think, yeah, if you do get married a bit later, I think it sometimes is wise to spend a bit tough time together, maybe before having kids. And so getting married younger kind of enables you to be younger as a parent. So you're giving your young years as well to your kids. So it is a it is a generous thing to if you are really invested and you are uh you feel ready to give and sacrifice of yourself to to join a partnership, um, and you feel and you feel ready for that and you want to give into that, I think there's no that's not a bad thing at all. I think that is a good way to think about it as a gift that you can give to your future partner and to your family.

SPEAKER_06 31:05

Because you think that it's fine to get married when you're young. Like, how young do you think is fine to get married?

SPEAKER_01 31:12

Uh I I'm I'm not casting judgment on anyone for getting married earlier. Um, I think like mid-20s is is okay to get married in, uh, plus or minus, depending on the person. But I do think going back to this passage, I do think you well for myself as a as a as a man or speaking to man, I would say that don't use your inner your your lack of self-control as a reason to get married. If you are if you are seeing that I can't control myself, that is a reason to work towards self-control so that you can bring that self into a marriage.

SPEAKER_03 31:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

I guess that's my I'm like, yes, the marriage is a great place for expression. Paul is not wrong. All I'm saying is the the uh oh when I'm in my marriage, I can fix that up. I can fix that um self-control problem up. Like because I can have sex there.

SPEAKER_06 32:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:09

Is not a healthy way to think about it.

SPEAKER_06 32:11

No, yeah, you're right. That's not a healthy thing way to think about it. And I think that's where I was saying there's there's a complexity to marriage that you need to be cognizant of. And if you're not, and you go into marriage thinking, oh, this is gonna fix all my problems, it's the opposite. The marriage is not gonna, the marriage actually reveals all the problems that you have, and then you're gonna have to fix those.

SPEAKER_05 32:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 32:37

Um, because I think also what people misunderstand about marriage is that you're going into a partnership with someone. And I think people don't see it as a partnership at times, they just see it as like you do your thing, I do my thing. We're not really going into this equally, we're just kind of sticking to the roles or sticking to the um the tasks that we were doing separately, and now we're just kind of coexisting, but doing those tasks that we were doing, or the roles that we were playing, but now we just coexist together whilst doing that.

SPEAKER_03 33:13

Right.

SPEAKER_06 33:14

And that's not what a marriage is. The marriage is you kind of have to dismantle what you were doing as a single person, and then build up a whole new regime within your partnership and what that looks like. And I think that's also part and parcel of why you find a lot of women they're like going to the marriage and they're like, Well, you know, I'm pulling the weight for a lot of the family life and the the running of the house and the general kind of stability of this marriage. I'm pulling a bulk of the weight, and that's partly because they may have both gone into it, being like, Well, this is what I was doing when I was single. Oh, and this is what I was doing when I was single. Let's just keep those same roles and responsibilities and attitude, but instead of doing it separately, we'll just live in the same house while we do the same things.

SPEAKER_01 34:13

Right. Instead of saying, okay, sort of regress to that when you could be kind of moving towards something that's more collaborative.

SPEAKER_06 34:21

Yes. So people are just going into these not definitely not collaborating or considering, hey, what type of partnership do we want this to look like? Or maybe they have when they're like, I'm happy very I think a lot of men are, I think some men are like, I'm very happy with this type of partnership because my wife does everything.

SPEAKER_01 34:41

Okay, so that's interesting though, because I do think when you are considering moving into marriage, that conversation around roles is actually really, really important because I think um as a man in a Christian context, there might be an assumption because of maybe whatever you've heard, or maybe um other arrangements that you see in the church culture that makes it seem like that is the role that you that your wife must take. Um maybe the house or the caregiver or the house, whatever. Um and maybe she's thinking, well, you seem very normal and very progressive. Maybe that's not, but I think I think the more time you have with people and having difficult conversations about what you see marriage being like really is really important.

SPEAKER_04 35:41

Why are you getting closer to your vibes?

SPEAKER_01 35:43

Because it's such an important point I'm trying to make. Which um which is you sometimes in in in marriage it's easy to kind of form these it's like a little it's like a little um role contract where someone's not happy, but they kind of um they feel like that's like they signed up to that, um, and there's not a and that's what's expected of them. And they're like and so they're operating in that way, but they're not happy, but they feel that that's the root that's how they should act. Um and maybe in their mind they had something more collaborative in mind, for example, if you're on if you're um yeah, I I I think your expectation of what marriage looks like it and and certain people have different jobs that require different things. So, like um, if you're a guy and you're a teacher, you have a little bit uh sometimes more flexibility, maybe around how present you are um in the home versus say uh people doing uh shift work that um that has a different role.

SPEAKER_05 36:47

I'm just saying uh really going into the nitty-gritty here.

SPEAKER_01 36:51

I'm not trying to go to the nitty gritty. Are you I'm trying, I'm not doing a very good job at it. Shift working with um I'm just what I'm trying to get at is like your specific arrangement. I think we know what you're trying to get.

SPEAKER_04 37:05

I know I think we know what you're trying to get at. Do we? Yeah. Do we know? Yes. I think we you're explaining yourself.

SPEAKER_01 37:10

All right. Listeners, if you don't know, just s me a note and we can do a follow-up and I'll go into all the different professions one by one.

SPEAKER_06 37:17

I can't wait for that.

SPEAKER_01 37:19

Um no, so yeah, I think just setting expectations is really But we didn't have that conversation.

SPEAKER_06 37:24

No, we didn't. We didn't have that conversation together about what we were each individually going to do. Maybe that's because when we were married, I was working, you were working. We both, and I was studying, like you knew that I was working towards something, and I had an ambition in mind and a goal and a drive towards something. And like for yourself, I was like, Well, he has his career, he's trying to build something. So we both kind of knew that that was something present within us, but that doesn't necessarily mean and I think what happens is when kids come into the picture, then you really see where you you both lie in the marriage in the partnership. You kind of really are like, Oh, this is this is where we stand, actually. Because when you don't have kids, it's easy to navigate around those things because the pressure isn't as high. Yes, and then when the kids come into play, you're like, Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 38:25

It really picks out the weak spots.

SPEAKER_06 38:27

Well, it's not necessarily the weak spots, but it really reveals what your partner thinks you should be doing in the partnership, and how much you both want to kind of buy into the different responsibilities that is involved with having kids.

SPEAKER_01 38:45

Yeah. Um and maybe you're maybe you're um someone that wants to be the full-time carer for the kids that has has a real has a real kind of drive towards that, has always dreamed that. Does that does your does your um partner know that that um that there's a single income then that will be dependent upon? So like it like yeah, so what whatever it is, whatever your expectations are or desires, um, those conversations are really, really important before marriage and before having kids.

SPEAKER_06 39:16

Yeah, and sometimes it also happens is that women fall pregnant, and then it's the husband actually wants them to stay at home. They don't want them to return to work. But that maybe was never discussed because it's easy, like once you go on maternity leave, to find it difficult to return back to work. Uh, and so I think, yeah, it's important to have the discussions, which we didn't have, but it was it it should it should be something that's prioritized. We did discuss a few a lot of things beforehand, but for some reason we didn't. I think maybe because we kind of I don't know, anyway. Um but we know a few people that married young and like they have successful marriages. I think I think anyone anyone can find anecdotally, like anecdotally anecdotally the marriages that are successful despite them going into it young. Um I don't think that we are challenging that because I think that that is definitely a possibility. I think what we're well at least what I'm challenging is having a really good understanding and grasp of what you're getting yourself into. And you might not really understand that when you're what under 25. Your frontal lobe has not even fully formed until you're 25.

SPEAKER_01 40:45

Yeah, I was also thinking about that earlier.

SPEAKER_06 40:47

So I think and that's a big decision.

SPEAKER_01 40:51

I was 28 when we got married, so my frontal lobe was fully Yes. Could you tell?

SPEAKER_06 40:56

I could not.

SPEAKER_01 40:58

Yeah, I had a bit I had a bit of work to do. Uh I'll admit.

SPEAKER_06 41:03

Um we collaborated. We defin we collaborate very well. Okay. I think we have a very good partnership. Um I'm very happy. Uh so, but that's not the same for everyone. And I think that yes, it's part and parcel, like a personality, and that comes into play as well. And so I think there's always gonna be a situation where oh, we got we got married at the perfect time, perfect age, perfect age gap, all the perfect things aligning. Um, but we're still not successful in the marriage, and I that's because like it you're individuals, so like meeting these like numbers and trying to make things work because oh, I'm in this particular pocket of time and experience is not necessarily also like the guarantee to staying together or having a good marriage, yeah. Which I think everyone strives for, like everyone wants to be able to that's why we have all these statistics like how do you avoid divorcing, how do you do this, how do you do that? And I think it's you individually have to be prepared to work on yourself.

SPEAKER_02 42:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 42:17

And if you're as an individual are not prepared to work at yourself, then you're not gonna be able to get out of your marriage much.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

Get much out of your marriage.

SPEAKER_06 42:25

Yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 42:29

The way you said that had the opposite.

SPEAKER_06 42:32

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 42:36

I'm trying to get out of my marriage as much as I can.

SPEAKER_03 42:39

I really want to get out of this by judging myself.

SPEAKER_00 42:42

Okay, uh, quick wrap-up. So, do we think um can you get married too young? Possibly.

SPEAKER_01 42:48

Uh, I think um there's maybe more to do in in marriage prep and and giving wisdom to the young couples in our church as to kind of how to know that you're ready and how to how to kind of um preempt that and what that what that what marriage will look like. I think I think maybe if we have more work to do in just kind of imparting uh this sort of wisdom upon them and just encouraging them to have those types of difficult conversations around expectations and role that maybe would just otherwise be assumed because you're so in love and you just yeah.

SPEAKER_06 43:23

Yeah, let and we should not try and we should try and reduce the romanticism that we kind of create around marriage.

SPEAKER_01 43:31

Reduce the romance?

SPEAKER_06 43:33

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 43:34

That is I don't is that good advice?

SPEAKER_06 43:37

Yeah, I romanticize.

SPEAKER_01 43:39

Oh right, romanticism, not reduce the romance, reduce how much we romanticize. Sorry, I'm with you.

SPEAKER_04 43:46

Are you?

SPEAKER_01 43:47

I am I am now.

SPEAKER_06 43:49

Yes, you don't want to make it 30 seconds late. Yeah, it's okay. Uh um, yeah, we don't want to kind of make it romanticize what marriage looks like because I think that is also like part of the problem. Yeah. People have a very kind of skewed view of what marriage is. Lofty and idealistic, perhaps. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:10

And a lot of lot of pressures come from all over the place in marriage, especially today. You get a lot more financial pressures as well. Family pressures and uh even even cultural or just sort of yeah, working out on a broken world. All those things make um yeah, can make it hard.

SPEAKER_06 44:30

So uh yeah, but maybe next maybe next week or whenever we record next, we can talk about like um satisfaction in marriage. Are Christians less satisfied in their marriage than non-Christians?

SPEAKER_01 44:44

Yeah, or yeah, maybe we come back around once we've done our research for that. That sounds like a really good um topic. Okay, thanks so much for listening and tracking with us on Atypical Christian. Uh, we appreciate you. Drop us a line if you would like to uh add anything to our topics list or if you have any comments or or um yeah, or anything to and subscribe to us and also just leave us a liking or rating. Thank you so much. Have a blessed week. Bye. Bye.