Episode 43: On Rex's Bat-tism

Welcome back to The Sunday Service!

This week, we hear the latest updates as the Parish XI prepare for their fundraiser game against The Hairdressers of Upper and Lower Bottom.

Mr Church and Mr Gompertz are also very excited as they perform their first 'bat-tism', as Rex has chosen to get his new piece of willow 'bat-tised' before he uses it in the fundraiser match.

The congregation sing 'I Vow To Thee My Willow' and Mr Gompertz reads from The Good Book about how one must care for their bat.

WG Rumblepants gives his 'Cricket in 3' on the how the definition of 'proper cricket' has changed as the game has evolved.

And finally, our good friends at Newberry Cricket have another terrific competition, this week giving away their brand new 360 cricket shoes.

Check out all of their top equipment here

To enter, just answer the question correctly and send it in to:

- sundayservicecricket@gmail.com

- Twitter / X - @sundayservice22

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

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SPEAKER_01 0:50

Ah, there you are, Mr Church.

SPEAKER_07 0:54

Churchy. Oh sir afganghooley. Oh young Mr. Gomberts, you made me jump. I was so lost in the melody there.

SPEAKER_09 1:04

Hmm, yeah. Quite. Well, another week, another day at the oval, glorious weather yet again, and an excellent day's cricket. I must admit though, I'm I'm glad to be back in the parish. What have you been up to this week? Any of our parishioners chatting to their bat or bowling at their stalls this week?

SPEAKER_07 1:24

Well, there has been no bat and chat or ball and stall in the parish this week, but there has been, Mr. Gombert, box and socks. Allow me to explain. Thursday afternoon I made my way to the parish screen, and I had asked parishioners to come and join me on the parish bench, bringing their box and their socks. Both box and socks being of the cricketing variety, of course, by box abdominal guard, by socks cricketing socks. And I have to say the turnout was very, very good, and we sat in the sun and discussed a number of cricketing issues. But later in the day, and thankfully there was nobody else around, Ted from the Badgers Googly arrived, and he was wearing just his box and his cricketing socks, and sat himself down on the bench and discussed with me how many times he'd been hit in his box by the ball during his playing career, which sadly is no longer due to his busy time and busy proprietary of the Badgers Googly. I did notice that his box was made of metal, and there were a lot of vents in it. It was more like a colander, and it was nice to see both his big toes pointing out of his cricketing socks, but I have to say I was glad that there was nobody else around at the time, as he sat there in just his box and his socks. But again, I have to say, young Mr. Gombert, it's a huge success, a huge success, and a lot of cricketing issues put to bed. So what have you been up to this week?

SPEAKER_09 3:05

After last week's service, I took myself off to the pub to join in with Ted's pub quiz, playing for the prize of a premium cod, kindly supplied by the Fishmongers of Farting Fallows. Now I'd intended to be part of the quiz in a participatory capacity, as I didn't have anything in the fridge for dinner and the shops were shut, so I thought the cod would have served me quite well. However, when I got there, Ted told me that I had to be the quizmaster for the round on the good book, and because I would have known the answers to that round, I would then have an unfair advantage for the rest of the quiz. So I asked Ted why he couldn't host that round, given that he was hosting all the other rounds, and he said that although he enjoyed the ideas shared by the good book, and that he loved my readings from it, thank you Ted, he admitted that he wasn't quite sure how much of it he had actually read himself. Anyway, I ended up doing the round on the Good Book, which didn't exactly fill me with confidence in our parish. For example, I read one question, which was You are new to the crease, and the opposition bring on a reliable, slow bowler. What should you do? And before I could begin to read out any of my answers, Mrs. Watts started jumping around and shouted out, You should come down the track and give it a mighty swish. When I told her that not only was she incorrect, but that it wasn't even an option, she suggested that I must be misinterpreting the word of the good book. Anyway, after all of that, the team representing the Mongers ended up winning as they insisted there was to be a round on fishmongery and that it was worth triple points. So, after all, it's up for debate whether they really gifted a cod for the quiz or not. Anyway, I've got a little sidetrack there. Is everything sorted for the service?

SPEAKER_07 4:59

Yes, my sermon is good to go, and this week I'm talking to the congregation about our upcoming fundraising game against the hairdressers of Upper and Lower Bottom. Ooh, and we've got something very exciting in today's service. Oh really? Go on, what's that? Well, Rex recently bought a new bat, and he says that it must be bat ties before he uses it in a match. So we're going to bat ties Rex's bat today. Oh wow. Now that is exciting. Oh what an honour that will be. Anyway, it will be business as usual apart from that. So which passage are you reading from the good book this week?

SPEAKER_09 5:47

Well, I think I might change my original plan. Because I think it would be nice if I read from the good book about how one cares for a bat in honour of the batising of Rex's bat.

SPEAKER_07 5:58

Oh, that sounds a wonderful idea, Mr. Gumberts. It will be a very special ceremony. Oh, I'm sorry, young George, I better take this. Oh well, of course. Don't worry, you can take it. Hello? This is Boycott Vicarage Outline.

SPEAKER_05 6:16

Hello!

SPEAKER_07 6:18

Hello. Hello Hello, this is Boycott Vicarage Outline. Yes, of course.

SPEAKER_06 6:37

Two weeks ago, you said that just in Greece born five wicked maidens in a row, and that that was very impressive. Yes. And this week, or last week, I get slightly muddled, you said that the Sunrises Leeds scored loads of runs. And that was really impressive. Yes. So which one is more impressive?

SPEAKER_07 7:13

Well, they're both incredibly impressive and far more than we could ever hope to achieve ourselves. But yes, but one happened on a pitch that had been specifically designed for players to score lots of runs on it. And the players did indeed score loads of runs on it. And the other has been specifically designed to provide a fair competition between the batter and the bowler, yet the bowler managed to completely dominate the batter in a spell of bowling unlike any scene before.

SPEAKER_06 7:47

I see. So Greaves is more impressive!

SPEAKER_07 7:52

I've merely provided you with the facts, Mom. The interpretation is yours to make.

SPEAKER_06 7:58

Oh, I see! Well, thank you!

SPEAKER_07 8:04

Sorry about that, young George.

SPEAKER_09 8:06

Right, where were we? Well, we were just putting the finishing touches to Rex's ceremony. Anyway, will WG still be speaking this week?

SPEAKER_07 8:15

Yes, he will, and I believe he's talking about the history of how people define proper cricket. And we'll be inviting members of the congregation to come to the front of the church and provide their answers to this week's cricketing question for their chance to win a brand new pair of 360 cricket spikes, thanks to our friends from the parish of Newbury. And beware, this is the final week you'll be able to enter for the 360 shoes. So if you want to look fantastic whilst playing cricket, get your answer in this week.

SPEAKER_09 8:52

Well, I had a hymn sorted, but with the very exciting news about Rex, I think I'll save this for another time, and instead, we can bring out the baptising hymn. Oh, I say, young George, it really will be a very special ceremony.

SPEAKER_07 9:10

Ah, good morning, Mr. Jackson! I don't believe it! You're wearing the 360 shoes to the service as well. Oh I oh I see! You saw Rex wearing them last week and thought they looked rather good, so you got yourself a pair. Well, I must say, Mr. Jackson, they look equally excellent on you. Ah yes, I'm sure they are very comfortable. Yes, yes, very good. Now, Mr. Jackson, please go and take your seat because we will be starting very soon.

SPEAKER_09 9:46

Quite right, Churchy. The music has started and everyone is in their seats. So let's get ready to start the Sunday service.

SPEAKER_07 10:33

It truly is wonderful to see you all. Well, the One Day Cup is entering the exciting final stages. On Friday, Durham beat Lancashire and Nottinghamshire beat Yorkshire, which means that they will play their semi-finals against Middlesex and Leicestershire respectively, starting promptly after this service. And news with the England team is that the curfew that was imposed last time Joe Root was captain, which was then lifted when Stokes became the captain, which was then reimposed while Stokes was still captain, has now been lifted again now that Root is captain again. I think that actually is quite difficult to keep track of. But they say that they're all going to behave like adults now, grown up adults who don't need anyone to tell them when to go to bed. And finally, Australia's DRS system, SNCCO, has come to their rescue once again. Despite Steve Smith admitting that he had hit the ball and proceeding to walk off the field, he was called back when Snicko judged that he actually didn't hit it. I wonder if the operators accidentally selected the wrong clip again. Anyway, talking of Snicko, it's time now for our first hymn. If you look in the pocket on the back of the pew in front of you, you will find your copy of the good book alongside your hymn book and the order of service. For those of you who are listening to this service back on the recording, you can find a digital order of service and hymn sheet posted on our Twitter account at Sunday Service22. So I invite you to take out your hymn books and stand as we sing our first hymn, Amazing Grace. A quieter week in the parish after the excitement of last week and the thrilling game against the Fishmongers of Farting Fallows. The main focus this week has been on fundraising ideas to go with next Saturday's game against the hairdressers of Upper and Lower Bottom, where of course we are promoting the merger of Upper and Lower Bottom hairdressers and raising funds for the purchase of the parish birdbath. Young Mr. Gomberts and I have attended meetings all week, and many of you here with us today have been giving us your ideas, and may I just say they have all been excellent. From Mrs. Watts' beach volleyball competition to Mr. Jackson's falconry demonstration using his pet budgery guard Bernard, the ideas came thick and fast, and there was a real feeling of the parish pulling together. Of course, the Parish 11's game against the hairdressers will be the main event, and thank you to Mrs. Bartholomew, who will be providing the sandwiches for tea, and Ted who will be opening the doors of the badgers googly and providing catering as he fires up his barbecue and as he put it to me, shoving some prawns and sangers on the Barbie, mate. I'm not quite sure what that meant, but thank you Ted, and thank you Mrs. Bartholomew, who I know started making her sandwiches last week, which has given them a couple of weeks to ferment. The very exciting news is the hairdressers are bringing a specially engraved pair of scissors and matching comb to present at the toss, and in return we will be presenting them with a special copy of the good book with the parish crest on the front. As you all know, we changed the parish crest only last year from a pair of badges in a seemingly compromising position they were foraging for food, but many thought something else was occurring, to a pair of wicket keeping gloves rising high above the church with a beam of sunlight encapsulating them and the parish motto saying Catches win matches twinned with Grasse. I know the Parish Eleven will be wearing the crest with pride and it will be a lovely ceremony to start the day in the game. In fact, a number of residents of Grasse may be making the trip over from France, which will be prebon. So after all our meetings, I can now reveal some more details on the day itself. I am delighted to say music will be provided throughout the day led by the choir and Mr Gombert. A special playlist, as the younger generation would say, is being prepared by Mr Gombert and I know the choir will be practicing hard ahead of the game. And Rex, you will be delighted to know that a decision has been made to allow you to perform some of your favourite numbers from that esteemed crooner, Neil Diamond. Any of you that were at the New Year's celebration a couple of years ago where Rex suddenly broke out devil in blue jeans will know that's something to really look forward to. Thanks to the ladies of the Women's Institute, there will be a number of stalls around the boundary edge, including Mrs. Tyson and Mrs. Atkins with their guess the number of buttons in the Mini Metro, Mrs. Smith and her dartboard where you can try and beat her in a Lego 501, and Mrs. Christie with her collection of novelty keyrings, which will all be for sale. As we all know, Mrs. Christie has been collecting her novelty keyrings for many years, and it is so kind of her to put some up for sale in order to raise funds for the parish birdbath. The Women's Institute have finally persuaded me to build a beach down at Longhoff, and thanks to a deal done by Mrs. Patterson, six tonnes of sand will be delivered this week, and spectators will be able to hire deck chairs and buy ice creams and feel as the Women's Institute told me they're actually on the sands of Barbados whilst watching the cricket. Thanks to Mr Archibald, who has agreed to raise funds by allowing spectators to guess the length of his marrow, with the nearest in inches winning the marrow. Mr. Wells has very kindly agreed to inflate his bouncy castle, which of course provided a real highlight at last summer's village fate. Mr Wells has also agreed this year to use an electric pump to get his castle upright rather than blowing it up himself, which did take quite a long time last summer and led to Mr. Wells spending the evening at Accident and Emergency. And now I have some very big news. I have managed to secure sponsorship for the game from our friends in the parish of Knobley on the World, and specifically their shoe repairers in the High Street, what a load of cobblers! They have made a magnificent donation to the parish birdbath, and they are advertising the game in their parish, and I am for one delighted to have them on board. They will be carrying out free shoe repairs on the day, and I think we can all agree it will be lovely to have a load of cobblers watching the game and helping us throughout the day. I really feel the parish has come together this week and I thank you all for your efforts. I know the hairdressers are very excited and they have agreed to provide free haircuts throughout the day, and before you ask Mrs. Bartholomew, before you ask, that doesn't include a rinse and colour. It promises to be a wonderful occasion on Saturday, and thank you everybody who have volunteered your time to get everything ready. Posters will be going up in the parish this week with all the final details, but here is an initial design for you all to see. I'm holding it up there, can you all see that even at the back? Yes, good good. So it says What a load of cobblers are proud to present the game between the Parish Eleven and the hairdressers of Upper and Lower Bottom. A day of cricket, festivities and fun, with all proceeds going to the purchase of the parish birdbath. Tickets are £5 for adults, £1.50 for under 16s, and your ticket also gets you a free burger or sausage from Ted's barbecue at the Badgers Googly. And there, in the middle of the poster, in all its glory, is our parish crest. So much to look forward to. I've only actually been away from the parish for one day this week, alongside young Mr Gombert, as we travelled to the Ovalshire for the final round of One Day Cup games in the group stage. It was dubbed tantalising Tuesday with seven counties in Group A still in the shakeup for a playoff place. Surreyshire were beaten by Nottinghamshire in an excellent game, and good luck today to the four counties playing in the semi-finals of a competition that has been a huge success this summer. And now I would like to leave you with the wise words of Paul Rudd in the movie motion picture Anchorman. It works 60% of the time, every time.

SPEAKER_04 21:03

This week, what exactly is proper cricket? There is a phrase you hear quite a lot in cricket these days. Proper cricket. Usually it means the way cricket ought to be played. Five-day tests, a red ball, white clothing, long spells, patience, batsmen leaving the ball outside or stump, bowlers hitting the field and building pressure. No music, no timeouts, no gimmicks. But there is a slight problem with that phrase. Proper cricket has never really existed. Or at least it has never stayed the same for very long. For someone who grew up watching county cricket in the 1960s, the arrival of one day cricket must have seemed like the beginning of the end. Forty or sixty overs, coloured clothing, white balls, fielding restrictions? It was all rather frantic. Then came 2020. And suddenly cricket was supposed to be over in three hours. Batsmen swung at balls they would have once have been expected to defend, bowlers developed slower balls and yorkers, and the boundary became almost as important as the wicket. And then came the hundred, and for some people, apparently this was where proper cricket finally disappeared altogether. But there is something rather amusing about all of this, because if we could transport one of those modern day defenders of proper cricket back to Hambledon in the eighteenth century, they might discover that their sacred, timeless game was actually a rather recent invention. Imagine cricket in the 1700s. The bats weren't necessarily the elegant straight bladed things we know today. Early bats could be curved, more like hockey sticks, because the bowling was often delivered along the ground. The wickets were tiny by modern standards, and for much of that period there were only two stumps. They weren't even necessarily clearly defined bowling creases and pop increases in the modern sense. Instead the striker might have had to make his ground in a popping hole. And then there was the bowling. No overarm thunderbolts from six feet above the ground. Instead there was underarm bowling, including the extraordinary spectacle of the ball being lobbed into the air towards the batsman. Imagine explaining all of this to someone who tells you that T twenty isn't real cricket. You could say, well, neither was your grandfather's cricket, and neither was his grandfather's. The game at Hambledon was recognisably cricket certainly. There were batsmen, bowlers, wickets, catches, runs and dismissals, but the equipment, tactics, laws, and even the physical shape of the game was radically different. And that, perhaps, is the great lesson. Cricket has always changed. It changed from the rough rural game of the 18th century into the organized county game of the 19th century. It became Test cricket. It developed limited overs. Then became T-20. And then the Hundred. And every time someone has stood on the boundary and declared, This isn't proper cricket, perhaps proper cricket isn't actually a particular format. Perhaps it's something rather less tangible. It's the contest between bat and bull. The uncertainty of what happens next. The skill, judgment, nerve, and improvisation. So perhaps the best definition of proper cricket is simply this. Whatever form of the game we happen to love most, whilst remembering that somewhere in the past, someone would probably have thought it terribly modern and not proper cricket.

SPEAKER_07 24:49

Thank you to WG. Now we will partake in the very joyous ceremony of bat baptising Rex's new bat. So may I invite Rex to the front? Mr Gomberts will begin the ceremony by reading from the good book.

SPEAKER_08 25:12

Today's reading is taken from the Book of Willow, Sizes Signature through Longhandle.

SPEAKER_09 25:23

Thou shalt care for nothing more than thou carest for thy bat, for it is an extension of thyself. In the same way thy classifies thine eyes, hands, and mind as things that maketh thee whole, so too shalt thou regard thy bat. For it is more than a tool, it is more than a friend. For when thee goest forth out into the middle, into the heat of the battle, thou standeth alone, only thee and thy bat. And so thou must tendeth to it diligently. Thou shalt oil it with care, and keep it from harm, for off the field thou shalt be a masseuse unto thy bat, yet upon the field thou shalt be a samurai. But above all other things, whether thou score few runs by swishing across the line, or lots of runs by playing straight, thou shalt be proud in thee bat. For it is not the runs that maketh the bat worthy, but the bond between the player and the willow. Here endeth the reading.

SPEAKER_07 27:06

Wonderful, thank you as always, Mr. Gombard. Now, Rex, you must first make a few promises so that the congregation is confident that you will take good care of your bad? Do you promise to knock it in, to oil it, and to look after it carefully? Do you promise not to throw it in anger when you get out swishing across the line? Do you promise to play with the full face of the bat? Do you promise never to waft your bat carelessly outside the off stump? Very good. Now, before you name the bat Rex, first I shall anoint it with linseed oil in the name of Mother Cricket, the stumps, and the bales. How's that? Marvelous. Now, Rex, what do you name your bat? Oh, Rex, that is a bold name, a bold name, but we all like it. So, for the first time, may I introduce Excalibur to the congregation?

SPEAKER_09 28:29

Now, that was a beautiful ceremony. But I must note, Rex, that you didn't actually agree to two of those promises. Ah I s I see, I see. Yes, yes, yes. I suppose everybody is entitled to swish across the line from time to time. Well, yes, yes, I suppose. Well, if the ball is wide, what harm is there in having a little waft outside off stump? Well, in that case, I'm happy to proceed on the basis that your intention is correct. In which case, may we all bow our heads as we say a prayer for Excalibur. Dearest Mother Cricket, we hope that Rex knocks his bat in thoroughly, that he plays each delivery with the full face of his bat, that he doesn't swish too often, and that he proudly raises Excalibur to the crowd if and that's a big if he ever scores a run. We're not sure any of these things will actually happen, but it's nice to think about it anyway. In swingers and googlies, how's that? Please now may you stand and join Rex as we sing the bat tiesing hymn I vow to thee my will to thee my will.

SPEAKER_11 30:05

I vow to play.

SPEAKER_02 30:11

I love to come with You may be seated.

SPEAKER_09 31:23

Thank you, everybody, for taking part in that ceremony. What a joy it was to lead our first baptism. And thank you, Rex, for choosing to baptise Excalibur with us, and for providing us with the opportunity to do our first baptizing. I now invite everybody to take part in the eating of the sandwiches and the drinking of the squash as you come to the front and answer this cricketing question for your chance to win a pair of 360 cricket shoes, thanks to our friends at the parish of Newbury. And this must be noted, it's the last chance to enter in for the shoes, so if you've let it slide for the last few weeks, this is your time to go for it.

SPEAKER_07 32:26

Aren't those 360 shoes just wonderful? Last week Rex decided to wear them to the service and this week he's not the only one. You may have heard him coming to the front of the church because Mr. Jackson thought they looked so good on Rex that he decided to buy himself a pair and wear them to this week's service. The only slight oversight that Mr. Jackson made, if I may be so bold, is that unlike Rex who chose the rubber pimples, as you've just heard, Mr Jackson chose the metal spike option. Now don't get me wrong, metal spikes is an excellent choice for playing out in the middle, but if you continue to wear them to the service, please make sure to be careful, Mr. Jackson, because we all heard you coming to the front of the church. I am just concerned you will slip. That is all my concern is, Mr. Jackson, but you do look magnificent. Last week, your simple question was Josh Butler became the leading scorer in the history of T20 cricket by smashing one for six. But who was the bowler in the game where he became the leading run scorer? The answer was, of course, Marco Jansen. Now, this week's question. Not now, Mrs. Watts, not now. I haven't even asked the question yet, Mrs. Watts. So you can't know the answer, so just just hold your horses, Mrs. Watts. Just hold your horses. I do love enthusiasm, but just hold your horses. Pakistan are already in the country, uh, to play England, of course, in the Test Series. When England last went to visit Pakistan in 2024, the hosts became the first team to ever lose by an innings having scored over 500 in the first innings. Your question is, in that test match, how many runs did England score in their first and only innings? Not now, Mrs. Watts, not now, although I like your knowledge, but not now, Mrs. Watts. Thank you, thank you. For those listening to this service on the recording, and therefore obviously you couldn't come to the front of the church right now, you can send your answers in to SundayserviceCricket at gmail.com or Twitter at Sundayservice22. And those from the parish of Newbury have also released a bespoke discount code for members of our parish. Just use Sundayservice15 and get 15% off goods at www.newbery.co.uk, excluding bespoke bats. And why not treat yourselves to some premium gear and quality willow?

SPEAKER_09 35:11

Well, the ball has beaten the edge for the final time today. That is stumps for today's service. There are no refreshments today because instead Ted is laying on a feast, and I mean a feast, in the Badgers Googly, and will be screening both of the One Day Cup semi-finals. It will be a great occasion, so I hope to see many of you there. And as has been the case for the last few weeks, there is currently a collection plate going around. Please do give what you can, and as you've heard plenty of times today, all proceeds will be going towards the Parish Birdbath, which is also being funded by our match against the hairdressers of Upper and Lower Bottom. So please put that in your diaries as well. We'd love to have your support. Please remember you can tell us about all of your cricketing woes, worries, triumphs, and cricketing tales during the week by emailing SundayserviceCricket at gmail.com or messaging us on Twitter at Sundayservice22.

SPEAKER_07 36:17

Thank you, everybody, for coming along to the service today. We hope you enjoyed yourselves. If you'd like to come along next week with a friend, please know that new members are always most welcome. Thank you to WG Rumblepants for his observations on proper cricket, and to Mr. Gomberts for his reading on the Batism. And of course to Newbury for their continued support of the Sunday service.

SPEAKER_09 36:46

This service has been led by George Gomperts and Mark Church, and until next Sunday, play it late and play it straight.

SPEAKER_07 36:56

Wise words, young Mr. Gomberts. Wise words. Goodbye.