Advocating For Yourself Without Burning Bridges

A message hits your inbox and your instinct is to respond right away, especially when something feels off or personal. But reacting too quickly can create bigger problems than the situation itself.

In this episode of Honest Brew, we talk about how to handle those moments with more clarity. From client conflict to criticism, the real skill is knowing when to pause, when to respond, and when something is not worth engaging with at all.

We also break down the 24 hour rule, how to separate facts from emotions, and why your response in tense situations becomes part of your brand.

Because how you handle pressure shapes how people experience working with you.

A candid conversation between three seasoned business women who've been in the trenches of entrepreneurship. We bridge the gap between the glamorous just market and sell advice and the reality of what it takes to build a sustainable business. While most business content focuses on marketing, branding, OR operations in isolation, we bring all three worlds together. Because your brand culture needs to live in every system you create, your operations need to support your brand promise, and your marketing needs the infrastructure to deliver on what it sells.

We're here for the solopreneurs ready to grow beyond themselves, the partnership survivors rebuilding stronger, and anyone tired of business advice that treats branding, marketing, and operations as separate planets when they're part of one ecosystem.

HOSTS

Cheale Villa, Visual Caffeine, visualcaffeine.com / Monique Johnson, MoJo Design, ...

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome back to Honest Brew, Unfiltered Conversations on Business Growth. And I am Shal with Visual Caffeine, and these are my cohorts Monique of Mojo Design and Sarah of Indigo Elephant. And you've probably been there. Client says something that lands wrong, message hits your inbox and makes your stomach drop. A situation unfolds that feels deeply unfair and almost offensive. But when it comes to the spiral, do I say something? Do I let go? Am I too sensitive? Or not assertive enough? This week we're jumping into something every business owner feels. And honestly, we even feel in our own personal lives. This isn't even just entrepreneurship. This goes in the other spaces. We really want to talk openly about it because it can impact how we approach our day today, how we approach our future plans, and how it actually can really truly impact the potential our business has to be. I want to say that I will talk about years ago, about 10 years ago, I want to say. And when I would get a message like this, my clients, they still mean a lot to me, but they meant so much to me that if they like gave me a criticism or a critique, I would spiral. I would feel like the end of the world was happening. I'm going out of business. Everybody was gonna, I mean, it was like this. I mean, I mind you, I had been in business at this point for gosh, 15 years. And so it's like, whoa, really mess up mindset that I needed to have a mind shift with. And I obviously did, and I was so happy to see that one go. But I also don't think I'm the only one, because I can see noddings of heads that have felt that way.

SPEAKER_02 2:05

Oh yeah, big time. I mean, I don't know if it's a combination of being like a creative person or just like it's built in my DNA to be a sensitive person, but I just I am, I'm sensitive. Identical situation. I would be completely devastated if I had some criticism or whatever from a client. And at the end of the day, I think those experiences are good because they build resilience in you running your own business. And I don't want to say desensitizing, but looking at the that same situation through a different lens and and saying, okay, let me put my ego aside and evaluate this if it wasn't me that had done the work. Just take yourself out of your your own body and just look at things objectively. How can I manage this situation going forward? And and not taking offense to it. It's a hard skill to learn, but I think it's valuable as a business owner to not be, you can't be offended every time someone says something negative.

SPEAKER_03 3:11

And I feel when we get offended or we're it's something that keeps you up at night or you're like really clinging to it, it's showing that it's hit some type of internal wound for you. And that's why you're having that reaction. Because if we, if we are able to take ourselves out of it and look at it objectively, we wouldn't feel so emotional. But because we're in it and we have stories around it, emotions around it, that's what can make something that wasn't a personal hit feel like a personal attack. And that's something that I've navigated a lot because I grew up um kind of being a people pleaser in the sense of like I would put everyone else's needs before mine. Like, even if I wanted to do something else, I'd be like, they don't want to do it, like I'll just do it another time. That other time would never happen. So in business, especially when I did more virtual system work, I would break my back for these clients. And I kind of had to realize that their problems aren't my problems, their emergencies aren't my emergencies, and that like I have a right to have boundaries and like how you talk to me, when you communicate with me, when I'll get back to you. Like, that's especially with my operational brain, having that structure makes it very easy to see like, did someone actually cross a line or not? Did I actually not deliver based on what we discussed? And that kind of helps me understand like, am I just being emotional about this, or is this an actual issue that needs to be solved?

SPEAKER_00 4:45

And I love you guys went down kind of different paths. So I'm gonna hit on both of them. But the first one I'm gonna take is Monique because being neurodivergent, I actually am super sensitive. A lot of neurodivergent people become creative people. That's just uh so I do think there is definitely something there because I in general have an oversensitivity, but I think through a lot of just mindset work, but then also spiritual, that I've gotten a lot more control, not control over my emotions, I've gotten a lot of healing around the things that were triggering my emotions more. So I'm I'm gonna word it that way because I think that's actually more true than I'm trying to control something because I'm not putting anything in a box. And I think key to that is that self-awareness. So, like Monique saying that, she is a self-awareness that, hey, I tend to be a more sensitive person. There's nothing wrong with that. And I still get sensitive about certain things, but that's actually a superpower. And I do want all of us to realize what a superpower it is to have self-awareness. I actually, in my coaching sessions with one of my clients, I always tell her that is like her biggest superpower is how aware she is of everything. Because that is the first step of being able to dive in and actually go deeper and um and actually be able to understand how to navigate it. So that means you're paying attention. Um, and it also is kind of a reality check when we run into these situations. And then Sarah comes in with boundaries. And when I was in that time in my business as a raging people pleaser, I had raging rejection. Um, I also had no freaking boundaries. I would stay up all times of the night to do things for people that really didn't have to be done right away and things like that. So it's like me not taking care of myself obviously is gonna bring my oversensitivity even more up, right? So it's like all these things like play into each other. So I think things that we can pull out of that is awareness, also putting some like boundaries in place. Cause like I said to my client this morning, while we're working on this self-trust, let's have put some things in place that support you through that time that you're working on it. Because us having a rejection route, being a people pleaser, that will never be shifted overnight. Yeah, you got some rewiring to work on. It's gonna take time, it's gonna take some different choices. Often I did not do this and I really sent some emails out. I really regret. And it's not that I was ever confrontational, it was more like it was just, you know, giving them money back, or you know, just I was just it was making really decisions based on my survival brain versus my executive thinking. So the 24-hour rule, do not for 24 hours. Yeah, then it allows you to get at least one good night's sleep. And also part of that is like throw all your emotions down on a piece of paper, like just write everything you're feeling because what that does, at least it gets it out of your head, so you're also able to have good night's sleep. What else do you guys do that kind of support you?

SPEAKER_02 8:04

I mean, you nailed my top two. I all and I used to do the same thing. I used to not wait, and I would react quickly and emotionally, yep, and then regret it. Yep. So over time, I'm like, okay, well, I did not feel good after I I went through those that those steps. I didn't I didn't feel good about sending the email. And so I would say, okay, now I'm gonna wait a little bit longer and see how I feel in 12 hours. How am I feeling in 24 hours? And you do get clarity in your mind. The other point that I'd like to make is that no one can argue with the facts. So if you are in an emotional place, setting that aside, taking the time to construct a communication that literally states the facts that support your reason why you did everything. I recently, I'm gonna say maybe two or three months ago, had to go through this exact process and I got upset, I waited, and then I felt so good about the email that I constructed because it I'm like, there's she can't argue about this because these are the facts that actually happened. And I felt really good afterwards sending that communication to her. It wasn't coming from an emotional reactive state. It was sounded professional and I felt good about it. So I knew that moving forward, that's the right way that I need to manage those kind of sticky situations.

SPEAKER_03 9:39

Pausing has been the biggest gift I've given myself. Because as someone who's type A go go go all the time, just wants to like get things done. It has gotten me into sticky situations because sometimes I feel like it can be hard discerned when you're working from a response to then a reaction because something can happen so quickly, it kind of shifts your brain. And so for me, the way I like to pause is I will still draft up that proposal. I will draft up that email, but I do not send it. I draft it up, I'll go to bed, and then I'll look at it the next day because there could be nuggets in there that I'm like, oh, I still agree with that. And there's other things that I no longer agree with. And something I'm even navigating now is being a bit more direct in my follow-ups and my sales because sometimes being too nice kind of leaves the door for it being wishy-washy, or you not getting the answers you need. And for me, I really love having loops closed. And so for me, sometimes I have to be okay with the loop kind of being open to them, but internally it's closed to me. So it's kind of like now I can move forward from this because I did my due diligence of following up, doing what I said I was gonna do. But if I don't hear from them, there's no point in me getting upset about that because I'm getting upset over something I can't control. Right. I can't force an answer from them. That would feel gross, in my opinion, me trying to force it out of them because my brand is about no pressure, about going with the flow. What you need in this season is what you need, and I'm honored to be a part of it. And if you don't need me, that's totally fine. And that didn't happen overnight for me. That came from me realizing I'm clinging to things I really love, or I'm really avoiding things that just didn't feel good and having more peace in the present of I'm gonna take it day by day. I'm gonna give myself space and grace, navigating these human things and trusting more opportunities are gonna come this way, even if they say no. And just because they say no doesn't mean anything's wrong with me. It's just a chance for me to improve and know that I've learned something from this, and maybe I've helped them realize I actually need this person to solve this business issue.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

When you both were talking, two the two um words that came up for me was documentation and contracts, which was the two things I used to be really bad at. But I want to wrap this this part of the conversation up with um a couple sentences here. Opinions can be disputed, feelings can be dismissed, and facts cannot. That's it. And I think that having your paper trail, having your pause, your time away, all of that, it moves us out of a feeling of paranoia and actually moves us back into professionalism. And the more that we actually can take our feelings and take opinions out of things, the easier it is to deal with the conflict. One part of this that I really want us to jump into is knowing when it's worth advocating for. It's interesting that we're having this conversation because I was literally a Marco this morning talking to Monique. And one thing I said to her was remember, you don't always have to respond to the email ever. So when someone is being hostile at you, and we were not talking about a client, I just want to be clear, I was not giving advice about that client. But some people, when they're being hostile, they aren't deserving of a response, right? There is a place of do I even respond at all to this?

SPEAKER_01 13:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:34

Recently, I just didn't respond. I'm like, this isn't worth responding to. I ended up getting another email from this person that was like, oh my gosh, I was being rude. Silence is sometimes the best.

SPEAKER_02 13:47

Oh my God. I was you were taking the words out of my mouth. I just wrote down on my little notepad, actions speak louder than words in this situation. Sometimes, and I learned this over my entire life. I remember encountering people throughout my life that had a quietness about them. They wouldn't react to something right away. And I always admired that because I was the opposite. I would just like blurt out things and then regret it later. And I was like, So over time I realized I really love that that quality and I want to practice that myself. And now as an almost 52-year-old, I'm finally learned how to do that. And take so long. I don't know. I don't know, but I do find that there's been people in my life that I've encountered and I'm like, wow, I really don't like them, or they really did something that was not, you know, appropriate or whatever. And I I just find that the way to manage that is for them to, if you don't react to them, then they look internally like, oh, did I do something offensive or whatever? And they most of the time they do look inward and then might come back and apologize or something. So I just think there's a lot of power in the in the silence as well.

SPEAKER_03 15:08

I agree. Because I started therapy not that long ago, and she coins it the machete girl, where I'm like, she's ready to come out and like start coming. Like she's ready to go on the defense right away. And it's just like it's taking that moment to like, do I actually need to protect myself from this? Because they're also a human being going through human things, and they just might not have shown up best that day and having compassion. Cause it's kind of like you can tell someone who's just a nasty person versus someone who's just having an off day. And so I've learned that the way I'm able to give grace and compassion to others started with me giving myself that same permission because I wanted, I'd be like, girl, get your shit together. You have no excuses. What are you doing? When it's like, no, I'm a human. And if I need to take a break for a day, that doesn't mean no one's ever gonna work with me again. If anything, they may have more respect for me because it's like she was going through something, she separated herself, worked through it so that she can come back being present and being fully like available for whatever it needs to be done.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

Yeah. And actually, you just um hit on something that I was gonna bring, which is that in my when I was trained as a an ontological coach, by learning how defensive mechanisms work in people, how they were working in myself, how they work in others, it was like this gift of being given this lens and it was allow me to give compassion and grace. People, I probably wouldn't even have known how to find it because it's like I know this doesn't have to do with me. So the more that we can understand people in their stuff, like you clearly can tell when someone's in their stuff, the more you deal with people. When you're in your stuff, sometimes I just need to step back and let you have your thing. Right. And we'll just keep moving on, right? The other thing I heard, and I think this this was actually a bit back ago, but I do want to bring presence to it, which is that Sarah, you talked about your brand is about, hey, however, you need us, we're just chills. And I think that's a really important thing to bring to the conversation because your brand voice needs to be entering into your communication. And your communication is just sending out an email response. So when you're also thinking about formulating that email, make sure it's aligned on how you communicate the emails. Because I communicate with people where I'm like, okay, your brand voice is this, and this is how you talk. You're completely contrasting here. Even though you're individually, you're not sending out an email marketing, you were sending on an individual email, but you're still the owner. So take in consideration that how you speak is contributing to that culture of your company. And I think it's also a great way to center and ground to your brand in how you want to react or be proactive about something. The other piece that I want to touch on here is framing con is framing conversations around solutions and clarity and not getting into blame. And I will say, I'm gonna make in a confession here, and both of you typically cringe or get scared when I say that. But the confession I have here is uh ladies here, you probably do the same thing, maybe, is when I formulate an email and I want to make sure that I am coming across one aligned with my company's brand voice, but also coming across with humility and grace. Yes, I will pop it in to Claude and say, I'm not asking it as I write the email. I'm gonna say, Hey, can you check this email and make sure that I am aligning to my company's brand values? I'm also giving compassion and grace, and I'm also very clear. Like I have certain things, depending on the email, I have certain things I want it to measure against. I'm not asking it to like rewrite in any way, but what it'll do is it'll give you an analysis and it'll tell you, you know what, this sentence kind of sounds like you're being a little, you know, blamey or you're not taking responsibility. And it it's interesting how it will pick up just even nuances that you may not realize because you are maybe still hanging in some of that stuff.

SPEAKER_02 19:31

I'm laughing internally because I it's it sounds like you were so you're using AI to check your humility or something. I don't know. But I get I actually think it's really double check, you know? I think it's really fascinating way of I've never used AI in that capacity. I think it's really interesting because it's a way of using artificial intelligence that I never would have even thought about being able to check yourself. So sometimes my husband and I will check each other, we'll say, can you read this email? Does it sound whiny or bitchy or something? We'll check each other and then we'll we'll we might edit each other. But I I think it's a really interesting way of using AI that way.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

So considering our solopreneurs and we might not have someone to write, right? That's true.

SPEAKER_02 20:26

Yeah, yeah, totally.

SPEAKER_03 20:28

I'm gonna steal it, honestly, because I have also had I've had my fiance read things, and I of course value his opinion. And I have to remember the way he views business is different than mine. So sometimes his advice is valid, but I'm like, that doesn't align.

SPEAKER_02 20:45

Right.

SPEAKER_03 20:45

There's something about it that's making me hesitate. And so that's where I feel like in the past I've been to AI to to audit my tone essentially. Like, don't rewrite it, but like, how could someone perceive this? Like, this is my intention. Is it actually coming through? Because I am a very direct and blunt person. And sometimes that can come off as being bitchy or something like that. And that's not my intention. I don't want to sugarcoat, I just want to get to the root of it.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:14

And I'm growing more into that because part of me did hide away that version of me based on, you know, childhood, the typical things that happen in life. And I feel like using AI in that way is a great way just to audit. I wouldn't recommend AI writing it for you. Right. Okay because I do find AI loves everything flowery.

SPEAKER_00 21:37

Yeah. I'm talking about an analysis. That's what I'm asking it to do. And it'll point to like this sentence, this word kind of makes you sound a little defensive. Like it will point to those things. Now, I do want to say when you're talking about your fiance or when you're talking Monique about your husband, I had an incident where I was dealing with a like a client, it was a client. Situation that I was just trying to navigate. And with that, the way my husband was like, well, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, the way he came at it was more like a man would. Yeah. And I hate saying a man would, but I just feel like as women, we tend to be a little more nurturing when we're dealing with situations sometimes, empathetic. And I think men tend to do it very direct when it gets to the point. And it's in a different way than a woman would be direct, I feel like. So I say that because when we're getting feedback, I feel like it's not a bias necessarily, but I think it's good to also realize like their perspective of dealing with something might not be the way your perspective of dealing with it, which is also why I feel like, and I know you guys are giggling at it, but using AI to at least analyze do an analysis because there is no bias there. And they just have data on how your brand, what your brand's about, and that's what they're measuring it against. So not to say everything they say is true. I do want to preface that. That doesn't mean that I take 100% on AI, but it allows me to have that discernment.

SPEAKER_03 23:15

I agree. And something that I've done too is I'll give it my sentence and then I'll be like, can you rewrite it so I can see it in a different tone? Or how would it be restructured? So then sometimes that gives my brain the ability to compare and then be like, now I know how to write it in the future. Right. So that's also where it can be helpful too, to where I'm getting this feedback, but I don't know how I would see this or like write this in my own tone. Can you give me an example of two different things? And then that can give me a foundation because sometimes we can't see past ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

Right. Right, exactly. And I just love this conversation. And I think it's such an important one, especially in the solopreneur space, because we can drive ourselves a little crazy in imposter syndrome and second guessing ourselves. So I hope that for our audience, this has been super supportive. Just want to do a quick review, implement the 24-hour rule, document everything proactively, not reactively, separate feeling from fact, build your own what is it worth filter. And that's pointing to like sometimes it's just, you know, you don't even respond to it. And remember how you handle conflict is part of your brand. And I want to leave you with before we go to last sips, this quote the most powerful thing you can do in a hard moment is nothing until you're ready to do the right thing. And with that, last sips.

SPEAKER_03 25:16

Whatever it is, you have every right to protect your peace. And it's always to come from the lens of have compassion and grace for yourself and also have compassion and grace for others as well. Cause you don't know what's happening behind the scenes.

SPEAKER_00 25:29

Love that you put in compassion and grace again. Cause I think that our team here, we're all about that. So take what we say. Please find ways to integrate at least one thing today and make it a great day. Thank you for being here.