How to Tell Your Manager They're the Problem (And Survive)

—Links—

Career Coaching: https://www.mrjonathanoffice.com/career-coaching 

Job Search Coaching: https://www.mrjonathanoffice.com/job-search-coaching 

Read my letters: https://mrjonathanoffice.substack.com/ 

—Socials—

Xiaohongshu: https://www.xiaohongshu.com/user/profile/5fc40fdf000000000100a66b

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jonathanrhyzli/ 

—Like and Review—

If you enjoyed this episode, the greatest compliment you could give me is to like and review this podcast. Let’s support free career podcasts for Chinese professionals on the internet.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Day Day Up, the weekly podcast for Chinese professionals navigating the Western workplace. I'm Jonathan. Let's get into it. Last week, my newest client, Coco, started our first coaching session with an all-too familiar complaint. John, I need your help to navigate a toxic manager. She's draining my mental health, and I'm finding it hard to sleep. Okay, I thought to myself, which way are we going this time? Manage up better or plan an exit from the team? I opened my mouth, but Coco followed up. I want to know how I can give her feedback. She needs to know how much damage she's causing our team. Uh-oh, Houston, we have a problem. How do you give upward feedback without risking your career? I won't pretend I have the single right answer, but having managed and been managed throughout my own career, I'm going to share what has and hasn't worked for me. We've all heard the classic advice. Feedback is a gift. The quiet part after that is me, so open up, take it and say thank you. But we've all experienced times where feedback did not feel like a gift at all, right? And that's because high EQ feedback, the kind intended to help instead of hurt, requires care. So deliver feedback as you would like to receive it. Wrapped. So here are three steps to criticizing your boss without pissing them off. Connect, create shared reality, improve reality together. One, connect before you correct. Start by asking permission. Feedback that wasn't asked for feels like an ambush. Feedback that they welcomed feels like a conversation. I've been reflecting on how our team works together, and I have some observations from the ground. Would you be open to hearing them sometime this week? I care about keeping our team close, and I want to help where I can. By saying this, Coco shows care and gives her manager the dignity of accepting her feedback. Then, before the conversation, be the bigger person. Assume positive intent. I know when someone is haunting your sleep, this feels impossible. But she probably isn't waking up each morning planning your misery. More likely, she's under pressure you can't see, coping badly, and blind to the wreckage she's leaving behind her. You don't have to excuse the behavior. You just have to walk in believing she'd rather be better than worse. Because if you walk in believing she's a villain, she will feel it. And she will act it. Time to give the actual feedback. If you grew up in a Chinese family like mine, this part might already make your palms sweat. We were raised in a world where feedback flows one direction only. Downhill. Teachers correct students, parents correct children, bosses correct employees. Giving upward feedback can feel like a violation of nature's law. That's just your survival instinct kicking in. Thankfully, the best feedback doesn't involve correction at all. It involves observation. Your micromanagement is hurting us is an accusation, and accusations trigger defensiveness. This is exactly why compliment sandwiches rarely work. No matter how you wrap criticism between two compliments, if the message underneath is there is something wrong with you, people will still feel attacked. An observation is different. It's a fact both of you can look at together. I've noticed that in our last few team meetings, people have gone quiet. Ideas that used to come up in the room now only get shared in private chats afterward. I worry we're losing input that could help us hit our goals. By saying this, Coco stays neutral, anchored to what she cares about, the team's results, not her feelings about her manager. Then comes the most important sentence in the conversation. What are you seeing from your side? Now Coco isn't the prosecutor and her manager isn't the accused. They're two people looking at the same problem, comparing notes. Once you both see the same picture, you don't want to give them a to-do list, as if that were even possible. And you certainly don't want to end on vague terms like let's see how things go. Instead, ask, what do you think we should do differently? And how can I do my part? That second question unlocks the whole conversation. It signals that you're not there to fix her. You're there to fix the situation, and you're volunteering to carry part of it, and for your manager. It's hard to feel attacked by someone who just asked how they can help. Now, I'll be honest. This works with senior leaders who are difficult but reachable. It won't work in relationships where there is no foundation of mutual respect to begin with, but what matters is how you walk into that room. Not as a victim delivering an accusation, as a partner offering a gift. Wrapped. Alright, that's your growth tip for this week. Now let's take a melon break. Spain versus Argentina. Your water cooler cheat sheet. No matter who wins, today is the day. The World Cup 2026 comes to an end. This afternoon, the whole office watches the same game, and Monday morning everyone will have an opinion. If you'd rather outsource yours to your most trusted career coach, then I've got you covered. Just pick the winning side, grab a fact, and you're in the conversation. If Argentina wins, Argentina has a history of dramatic World Cup performances. Diego Maradona's infamous hand of God goal against England in 1986 was scored with his fist. There was no VAR back then to review the play in slow motion. The referee didn't see it, and it stood. Four minutes later, he scored the goal of the century, dribbling past half the England team. Two of the most famous goals in World Cup history back to back. Messi is 39, and he is still their whole engine. He is nicknamed Le Polga, meaning the flea, because he is small, quick, and almost impossible to catch. He's played over 200 games for Argentina and scored more goals than anyone in their history. This is almost certainly his last World Cup. They're the comeback kings of 2026. Twelve of their 19 goals this tournament came after the 75th minute. This is a team that refuses to lose even when they're playing badly. If Spain wins, between 2008 and 2012, Spain did something no country has ever done. They won three straight major titles. Euro, World Cup, Euro. Their passing style even has a name. Tikitaka, a thousand tiny passes until you fall asleep, and they score. Despite being a soccer giant, Spain didn't win their first World Cup until 2010. The great late Bloomers who finally cracked the code. This Spain team just set a World Cup record, six clean sheet wins in a single tournament, and goalkeeper Unaysimon now holds the record for most shutouts at one World Cup. Nobody can score on them. At least not at the time that I'm writing this. Here's how you can use this topic in small talk next week. Yes, you will. Daily Up is written, produced, and hosted with love by me, Jonathan Lee. To learn more, check out my free weekly newsletter for communicating in the Western Workplace, read by over 2,000 Chinese professionals. Just search Daily Up Jonathan and you will find me. That's all for today. See you next Sunday with the Chisang Shao Hoban.