The Unbreakable Spirit, Finding Hope After Divorce with author Crystal Carter

In this episode of the John 3:16 Bookstore Podcast, host Marc Kornegay engages in a heartfelt conversation with author Crystal Carter about her journey through divorce and the healing process that followed. Crystal shares her experiences of emotional recovery, spiritual renewal, and the importance of faith in overcoming life's challenges. The discussion emphasizes the misconceptions surrounding divorce, the significance of seeking God's guidance, and the transformative power of redirecting pain into purpose. Listeners are encouraged to embrace their journeys, rebuild their identities, and trust in God's plan for their lives.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the John 316 Bookstore Podcast, where we celebrate faith, hope, and the power of God's word in everyday life. I'm your host, Mark, and today we're diving into a conversation with Crystal Carter to talk about her journey, her book, and the hope of becoming truly unbreakable. Crystal, thank you for being here. To begin, can you share briefly your journey through divorce and what that moment was like when God began speaking hope back into your life?

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Chris, thanks for having me. This is really exciting. Um, this book itself was a gift from God. So I'm excited about being able to share it. Um, for me, when I first even realized I was gonna have to do my go through a divorce, um, I was devastated because I came from a long line of family members who have been married for years. And I always heard my dad say, Every day is not gonna be Sunday. Sometimes you're gonna have a whole month of Mondays. So I stayed in the marriage for a while the first time, just trying to make it work because I saw how my family members and different people made it work. And it was very hard because I'm in this marriage and things are happening, but I'm hiding them. So nobody knew what was going on. And then when it finally came down to where I really I started praying to God, going, okay, I'm gonna have to make, there's a decision I have to make, and I'm gonna need you to forgive me. God was like, I'm here. I kept hearing, I'm here. And um, I really believe some of the things that led up to the divorce that were going on, things I didn't see. I'd say woman's intuition is a way that God speaks to women. And so there were some things that I started discovering that led up to it. And it was, it was like, no, go look here, go do this. And they were like, this is crazy. And God was like, and it was really him steering me to see things that I needed to see. And I had to go through it. He he just reminded me, I'm with you. The whole step of the way. When I was sitting there devastated on the floor of my house crying, like, I can't believe I'm getting ready to have to do this. It was him reminding me that he's like, it's okay, I'm with you. I know you're gonna go through this, then I'm with you. So then that relationship with God just really is what, as I prepared, because I hadn't told my parents yet, and they've been married 40-some years at the time, and now they're getting ready, they're actually getting ready to celebrate their 60th wedding adversary.

SPEAKER_02 2:15

Wow, what a blessing!

SPEAKER_01 2:16

In May of 2000. And so to have a long line of people being married around you, and then you now find yourself here, and it's like, I can't believe I'm here, and this is not how I thought my life was gonna be. So that devastation and despair, but then in the whispers, in the quiet time of God, he's saying, I'm with you. You're gonna go through this, but you're not gonna go through this alone. And so he reminded me he's with me. So that was always the thing is that when I prayed and I felt frustrated, he reminded me he's with me.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Amen. Amen. What does unbreakable mean to you in the context of divorce?

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Going through a divorce, I you know how they used to say this term, you could die of a broken heart. Really, honestly, the first when I went through my first divorce, because I was so devastated by it, I really thought um I was gonna die of a broken heart, which is funny because I'm wearing a shirt right now that says God can heal a broken heart, you just have to give him all the pieces. So it's, you know, it's it's like I want people to feel realize that they're not, the world may shed their world that they know it may not look like what it's been, but you're not, but God still has you. So he's gonna bring the pieces back together. He may break us in order to make us into what he needs us to become. When you're thinking about being unbreakable, things may crack, things may get a little twisted. When you're dealing with the you're gonna heal and you're gonna rebuild. And when you rebuild, you're gonna be the next level virgin that he's calling you to be.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

Amen. Amen. Well said. Many Christian women and men also face deep shame, guilt, or fear after divorce. How do you personally, how did you personally navigate those feelings, especially in a church environment?

SPEAKER_01 3:56

That was extremely hard because I grew up, but we were talking earlier, I grew up in Trinidad Baptist Church. So I my family's been in church all of my life, and we've always been there. For a while, I for a little while I actually kind of shied away from going to church because I really didn't want the stares and the comments and things that were possible of what's going on with her. And so, but and it was really, really hard because I people would say things, but are you sure you went to do this? People are questioning your judgment about what questioning my judgment was I making the right decision and stuff like that. But instead, I just decided to um just I reminded God reminded me he's with me, and I kept pushing past.

SPEAKER_00 4:33

Amen. Amen. Amen. I think that perseverance is a major part of life, especially when you're growing, experiencing those different things, good, bad, and indifferent, can, as you mentioned before, make you better um and can can make you more receptive to what God has open for you. It's almost like a redirecting sort of thing where I thought I was going to the left, this hurts. So I think you want me to go to the right. So, with that, we're definitely uh aware of what God is doing. Uh, the next question I have for you is what is one misconception about divorce that you feel causes the most harm to believers who are trying uh to heal?

SPEAKER_01 5:11

People automatically, the more people automatically listen to what did the man do? Um and that was one of the things I found. He would say, What did the man do? And I'm like, no, what did you what did both of them do? The the thing of wanting to take sides about who's probably the more guilty, everybody's hands are dirty when it comes to this. Everybody's hands are dirty, everybody did something. But the only perfect person to walk a surf was Jesus. So if you try to tell me that you went through a divorce and you didn't do anything wrong, I'm going sideways, look at you a little bit, because I admit I made mistakes, I didn't do some things right. It's always, some people you think it's always the man's fault or what did you do wrong? What or with the woman is what did you not do to take care of your husband so that he would not go elsewhere, would not do whatever. And it's like sometimes it's in my case, there wasn't always a matter of what somebody did or did not do. In some cases, it was there were things we were incompatible with. There were things that some truths that may not have been told on one side or the other. And we both have to own, we both ultimately have to own our hand in it, no matter what happens. So when they start trying to pick sides and say who did more what, what did the woman not do to keep the man? What did the man, what did the man do? It's not sometimes it's not, it may not have been more, it's always somewhere in the middle where it's both of them. So we don't can't really take sides. You gotta stand in the middle because somewhere in there, everybody's everybody was there, so everybody's hands are dirty.

SPEAKER_00 6:32

Amen. Amen. That's a very interesting take. Um, how fingers can be pointed, accusations made, assumptions made, but each situation is very unique and uh needs to be handled delicately and maturely. Um, so I agree with you on that. At what point did you realize that the pain you were experiencing could be redirected into purpose or ministry?

SPEAKER_01 6:53

Well, it was weird. Um, it was because I was going through when I was going through this, um, and a young lady told me, she said, You don't act like you've been through what you've been going through. And I'm like, No, I don't. And then I and this this is where the funny part of this book being written was God has really bad office hours. His office hours are usually like around three or four o'clock in the morning when it's still dark. If he wants to get something through, he like, yo, get up. We got stuff to do. And I woke up, I would wake up and I could hear myself talking. I see myself on stage and I see my shoes and I had on these red shoes, and I'm talking, and God's like, no, get up and write this down. And so it was funny. I would get up and it'd be like almost like in this little crazy trance. I'm writing this book, and I'm realizing, okay, this is turning into something. But a young lady saw me at work, and when she said I didn't look like what I've been through, I started telling her about God, and I started telling her how he was working on my heart. This book actually started being written way back in the 2000s, early part of the early of the 2000s when I went through my when I went through my first divorce source, and then it just got finished. It really just got finished a few months before it got published.

SPEAKER_00 8:05

If you had to give some advice to somebody with your experience in relationships, let's say she's a young lady that comes to you and says, Hey, I'm 26 years old, I'm interested in getting married. If you had to tell her three things, just three things, what would you tell her?

SPEAKER_01 8:21

Number one, talk to God. Uh talk to God and seek his wisdom first. Um, I did not do that. I married my second husband because I thought I was out of order.

unknown 8:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 8:31

And I was trying to honor God. But then when the whole thing turned out disastrous, he said, You didn't ask me. So it was revealed to me that I didn't ask him. So number one, talk to God. Number two, take the time to pray. Make sure that you, that you, that you see, you take off the rose-colored glasses about that person and ask the important questions that matter to you. Go past the fluff. Don't ask them what color, what color do you like? Is this person a consistent person? Are they uh do they do what they say they're gonna do? So look at their habits. Are do they do what they say they're gonna do and are they consistent with you in that? And then, but really kind of should be number one A should be do they have a relationship with God?

SPEAKER_02 9:10

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 9:10

Can you pray together? Because when you talk about when you look at how marriage is arranged after how the husband and the wife is there, is under the husband. This is a person that has to be able to cover you. And if they can't cover you, then how if they don't have a relationship with God, it's no measure. No measure. I know some people that when they got together, they kind of their relationship with God evolved. But the whole thing was just they need to have some if you believe in God and that's what you believe in, they need to be able to go to church with you, hold your hand, pray with you, all that stuff. I, you know, I know people that have married people from different religions tried to work it, but it's still a house divided.

SPEAKER_02 9:47

You see, yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:48

Well, those are I was like I said, number one, A, make sure they have a relationship with God and that this they're okay with praying with you. They understand what your faith is and what you're doing, and you all can do this together because that's gonna be important holding the house. Number two, look for consistency. And while you're praying, while you're praying, ask God, is this what he wants you to do? Because I know from my son's my marriage to my son's father, I did not ask God. And that turned out to be a hot mess. I own my mistakes in it, and it's just that was one of the biggest things he said. You didn't ask me. We also have the journals available. There's a journal that goes with the book.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

Um that um I wanted people that really wanted to work through it. We created an accompanying journal. So that's a journal that goes with it. Um, this book is also getting ready to change some things because we're gonna be doing a podcast soon, and we're still working on the name and some details on that that's coming out. And after the first of the year, we will turn this book into a workshop.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

Awesome, awesome.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

We got some exciting things coming, and I'd love to see everybody. This was God's book. Like I said, he woke me up at three o'clock in the morning until we got this book finished, and when he was finally ready for it to be done, this is it. So come out, check out the story, it's really cute. I love some of the things I saw in there, as well as learn about the book. And um, I appreciate your time. Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_00 11:06

For sure, but we're not finished yet. Question I have for you is this Are there biblical characters who inspired or comforted you in your healing? Joseph, Ruth, David, etc.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

I have to honor Queen Esther.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 11:19

Because she she stepped up to the challenge when it came time to do it. When it looked like it was impossible. This is my many of my Queen Esther sisters from First Baptist, listen, we honor that girl. But also Ruth, because of her commitment, her commitment to not just go home, but to stay the path and see where God was going to take her.

SPEAKER_00 11:41

Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Those two have a Esther's is special because of the Queen Esther program. But also, I saw how she took a road that some people would have, I am not doing that, and I am not taking them chances now. Yeah, I'm not getting killed. I'm going home. You know, my family, I ain't doing this. And then, like I said, Ruth, when she could have, when all the other daughters went home, she said, No, I'm gonna stay with you and I'm gonna stay the path. And then staying that path, God opened up some doors for her that she may not have seen had she gone home.

SPEAKER_00 12:09

After the divorce, how did you rebuild your identity, self-worth, purpose, vision in Christ rather than being defined by the divorced label?

SPEAKER_01 12:18

I decided here's a chance to make my life what I want it to be. So here's a way to get like Crystal 2.0. So I made a list. What about my life did I not like? What about my life didn't I like? So here's a great opportunity to reinvent me next level. So I went after that. I decided what things I wanted to try, places I wanted to go, things I wanted to do. And I and I gave myself time. And this was also spending more time with God. The more I grew close to him, it was like, okay, I need your dire I sought his direction and his wisdom of what he wanted me to do. So after between marriages, I think it was about 13 years different when I got married the first time to the second time. And so I took time to really work on me because I was a hot mess with that whole first marriage because it destroyed everything I believed in. So I studied, I decided, I went on trips, I went to Europe for like two weeks, and I don't speak Spanish, but I was in Barcelona, Spain, hanging out. But I decided to what is if I could design my ideal life, design a life I really want me to live and enjoy it. What does that look like? Let's go, let's go build it. And that's really what I did for years. I traveled as a travel trainer, as a corporate trainer for different companies. If they had an airline ticket and money for hotel, this chick was God. I've ended up in crazy places doing training. But I decided to take time for me and kind of figure out who I wanted to be. And then once I decided who I wanted to be, I went about building it because unfortunately you're going through a divorce, but the way you look come out on the other side of it is not holding on to what happened. It's working on who you want to be next level.

unknown 13:59

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 14:00

Wow. Well said, well said. In your ministry and through Unbreakable, the book, what is the greatest transformation you've witnessed in someone who followed your guidance?

SPEAKER_01 14:10

One young lady didn't realize the possibility. She was like, you say, okay, I can rebuild me. I'm like, you can make the whatever the next version of you, decide what you want to be. God says we have He's gonna give us out blessings more than we can hold. So then let's go for it and decide who you want to be and what you want it to look like. And when she really started dreaming and really started building it, she was able to do some amazing things. And I told her to take her focus off of what happened. Take your focus off of what happened, it happened. Keep reliving that whatever happened. Okay, we're living the stories. One of my mentors told me, be a victor, not a victim of what happened. And so I saw her start to own it. And when she started on, okay, what I want my life to be, let me start doing some of these things. And you could see how much happier she was from letting go and then folks encouraging her to get closer to God. She felt, you know, I think she felt lighter. I saw her, she seemed like she looked lighter afterward. Seeing her start to embrace this next level as an opportunity, not as a place of dread. I think that's what happens a lot. We go through divorce and we hear the oh, the Bible does, oh, God doesn't believe in divorce, he condemns it and you hear all these negative things, but now you're in this and you have to get through it. So you have no choice. There's no turnaround, there's no door to turn around. Um, I had one aunt said, if you throw something on the wood pile, you don't go back and pick it up. So let you out of it. Obviously, that door's closing for a reason, keep moving. I just love when people embrace it and they they move on. And then you see the next version of them, wow, they're happier.

SPEAKER_00 15:48

Wow. That's awesome. It's very interesting to me that your your career is to train individuals and your life experience carried you through something where you can equip others, and instead of uh internalizing it and um keeping it to yourself, you've figured out a way to impact your community and encourage others through your experience using those skills that you learn from your job. And I think that's an awesome use and a great contribution to the kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Crystal, what is your favorite scripture right now?

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Um, I know I'm probably gonna mess it up. The one where it talks about I know the plans that I have for you. Because I I was one of the federal employees that got laid off um, I think back sometime in May now. It's been a whole month. This kind of nightmare started in February sometime, and it's been going on for a while. And so for no knowing that he has a plan, even though I may not be able to see it, where I have to exercise my blind faith with him. Um, and this is exercising my faith to go, okay, Lord, I know you got a plan. This doesn't like I want it to look. I got my first letter on Valentine's Day that I was being laid off, and I've been going through this for a while. Every day I keep saying, Okay, Lord, I know you got a plan. So um I'm gonna hold on to that because you've not he's not failed me yet.

SPEAKER_02 17:07

Amen.

SPEAKER_01 17:08

And when I see the things, um, I tell my son, when I see the things that God has done in my life, I know that um he's there. And a quick story is that my son is born on um June 27th. Three years prior to that, June 27, 2012, June 27, 2009, I was in a car accident in Atlanta. Oh no. Yeah, where I hit a median, attractor trailer, and a second median.

SPEAKER_02 17:34

Hello.

SPEAKER_01 17:36

My car looked like I had been through when I saw the car the next day, it looked like I had been in one of those, what is those car races where they be banging up the car?

SPEAKER_00 17:47

A demolition derby.

SPEAKER_01 17:48

My car looked like it had been through a demolition derby. And all I could do was fall on my knees next to the car and start praying. My whole thing is that I've seen how God has touched my life and has done things in my life and moved me forward in different directions where I hadn't planned to go. I was in Georgia and I surrendered. I said, okay, Lord, obviously you're telling Miss Tom Lee. Where am I going? I did not plan to come back to DC.

SPEAKER_02 18:14

Really?

SPEAKER_01 18:15

DC was not on my list of places to go. I came up, got here, okay, let's go. My son is born three years later on the same day of the accident. So when God, when I know that God has a plan for me, I see how his plans have moved me to different things in my life, and I've been able to go move forward. And so when I was what I'm going through now, right now with the job thing and everything, it's I know the plans I have for you. And then even during this time, this book got finished while I've been laid off. I've been able to be there for my family. The book was on the verge of being finished, and I kind of dragged around with it. And a friend who unfortunately passed away before the book actually got released, um, book got published through God sent him as my little angel, like, girl, stop playing. You got time. Go ahead and get this book done. Knowing that God has planned for me and knowing that he's moving me in different directions, I have to hold on to that because I've seen where it's worked. He's a winning team.

SPEAKER_00 19:09

Amen. Amen. Well said. Is there a particular worship song that you um fell in love with or or listened to often during your healing process?

SPEAKER_01 19:17

See uh the what is it? Not CC1, it's it's uh you know me.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

I love that one. I have to be country music is it's really where it's at because Carrie Underwood has a song that says Jesus Take call Jesus Take the Wheel. I have a morning playlist.

SPEAKER_02 19:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 19:32

That gets me going. Reminds me that he's with me and he sees me. I'm not, I'm not a face in the crowd.

SPEAKER_00 19:39

Amen. Amen. That and and to know that is encouraging, yeah, especially when you're going through hardships and feeling disappointed or or or low. So that's that's a that's an excellent point. Uh, what is your prayer or blessing over every reader who picks up your book, Unbreakable?

SPEAKER_01 19:54

I want people to heal. People continue to hurt people. My aunt, who is a widow, actually brought to light that this book was helping her because she was a widow and she lost her husband. So she thought about how she it's a role is helping her heal. My uncle passed away the night before my son was released from the hospital. And so I always feel like my son and her are connected. So I want people to heal because when you're hurt and you're dim and you haven't healed, and you keep trying to do all these other things except for take time with God and heal, you continue to hurt other people. Anger, that frustration, it doesn't leave you or it makes you sick. Um, we've learned we've heard stories about how people that were going through anger and holding on to unforgiveness became sick and they didn't get better. So when you when you're a happy person and when you heal, and really for me, healing, Jesus is the only one that can bring that healing. When you're a happy person and you heal, you then shine a better light on other people.

SPEAKER_02 20:47

Amen.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

So I've been through a lot of crazy stuff, and I'm now still saying I have healed and I'm healed, and I'm still, it's always a healing process because every now and then something nicks a little nerve and you gotta go, okay, Lord help me out here. You will not inflict that hurt on somebody else that comes in your circle. Somebody hurt may say something negative to a person and they may do something to hurt themselves or do something else that that's wrong. And so if you if you're healed and you're he or healing and you're um working on yourself, then you offer encouragement and support to those around you. I'm able to do what I'm doing because I have been through a huge healing process. Like I said, I was 13 years before I got married again. And I was like, I need time to figure out who I am and what God's calling me to do. And even now in this phase that I'm going through, he's healing me from the frustration and hurt from what I've gone through with my job. And now saying, okay, this is gonna be a little bit different, but I I'm here still working on you from the hurt that I felt from being kicked out of government and that kind of stuff. He's working on that hurt and he's healing me there. So then I don't bring that negativity to other people. I can say, while you got this downtime, do Something positive.

SPEAKER_00 22:00

Come on then.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

I'm actually an A student at BG Community College.

SPEAKER_00 22:04

Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

So even though I'm going through a time and I'm looking for a job, because I'm healing and working on me, I can go out. And sometimes it's a way to take my brain off of it. Go out and do something positive to help somebody else. Um, this year was weird because on my birthday, a very good friend of mine passed away. And that birthday, we were supposed to be out fishing. And I was I was really kind of in tears. I was having an emotional moment. I couldn't get messed up together that day. Then my son's camp group called and said, Hey, we need you to come here. He's having a few challenges. Sometimes the way to take you out of picture is to go be of service, go help somebody else. I did not want to go to that funeral. I was not trying to go to camp with the little knucklehead boy spouts. And really, it took my mind off of the hurt that I was feeling because of the loss of a very good friend. And it made me feel better.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

I want to encourage everybody to make sure they come out this Saturday, September the 27th. Uh, Krista will be here signing copies of her book, Unbreakable. We want you to come out and support our local authors in pre-PG County. So we want you to come on out this Saturday, September the 27th. We're located at 10498, Campus Way South, in Largo, Maryland, right next door to the Target in Largo Plaza. We pray this conversation has encouraged you to lean into God's love, trust his healing power, and remember that in Christ you are truly unbreakable. This episode is proudly sponsored by John 316 Christian Bookstore, located at 1098 Campus Way South, Upper Marlborough, Maryland, inside the Largo Plaza. Be sure to visit us in person during our store hours, Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. and Saturdays from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. We're closed on Sundays so our family can worship and rest. You can also shop with us online anytime 247 at john316bookstore.com where faith and community come together. Until next time, may the word of God dwell richly in your hearts. May his love guide you in every season of your life. Thanks for watching. Thanks for tuning in. Crystal, thank you so much.

SPEAKER_01 24:15

Thank you. Bye bye.