5. Why Men Avoid Help And How To Change It

A lot of men are carrying more than they admit. The numbers prove it—depression is widespread, suicide rates are higher, and yet many of us are still told to stay quiet and handle it. In this episode, we talk honestly about why men avoid asking for help, what that silence costs, and how to change it without losing strength or responsibility.

We unpack the pressure of work, money, and health, how performance-based identity leads to burnout, and the role smartphones and loneliness play.

If this hits home, take one step today—reach out to a friend, set a nightly DND, or book that first counseling session. Share this episode with a man who needs it, and join the conversation.

YouTube

Instagram

Facebook

Transcript

Cold Open And Weather Banter

Devin 0:10

Welcome to the Uncommon Man podcast. We are your host, Devin Jeffries, alongside a very good friend of mine, John Pierce. John, how's it going today, bud?

Jon 0:19

Good. How are you, man?

Devin 0:20

I'm cold. Freezing. What? That's fine. You can call me a six. What was the term I heard last week? I don't remember. Anyways. But yeah, so here in Alabama where we live, it is getting quite chilly outside. But earlier this week, what was funny was they were projecting like an insane amount of snow and ice, and it was just this doom and gloom. And what death is coming.

Jon 0:46

Okay, for reference, we live in Alabama. Your mileage may vary if you live in Delaware.

Devin 0:52

But I think I saw uh this last week where we're in like eight states now. What? The uncommon man is listened to in eight different states. Nice.

unknown 1:01

Yeah.

Devin 1:02

I'm all right. Anyways, all glory to the Lord. Anyways, so yeah, they were it was this white death is coming, doom and gloom. And of course, everybody here in Alabama, I don't know if this happens in other parts of the country or not, but everybody here in Alabama floods the grocery store.

Jon 1:20

It 100% happens in other parts of the country. Tornadoes, hurricanes, snow. They all less buy. Less less in the northeast. Still happens, I think, but less. They all buy milk and bread.

Devin 1:35

I don't I don't get it. Because here's the thing. If if the fire power fails.

Jon 1:39

Yeah, and bottled water. But yeah.

Devin 1:42

Yeah, but if the power fails, there goes your milk.

Jon 1:44

Yeah.

Devin 1:45

Well, you're just gonna eat your bread. I mean, unless you got like one of those generators hooked into your I mean, sure, okay, but uh you know, I'm not bougie like that. I don't have a generator plugged into my stuff, okay? So all I'm saying is like I just I've never understood that why everybody flocks with the maybe they just all really like milky bread sandwiches.

Jon 2:06

Speaking of, I how I I have always wanted one of those generators, like when your power goes out, it just kicks on and powers your whole house. Like, I've always wanted one of those. Well, sure, I'm incredibly expensive. And I'm just like, eh. I'm okay. I'm not scared of the dark. I'll be okay. John's like, I'll sit over here and freeze. Just put a jacket on.

Devin 2:26

But all that's all I'm saying. Like, and if and if you do that or your special someone does that, you have my full-blown permission to call them weird. That is weird, dude. Why are you why all the milk and the bread?

Jon 2:39

I mean, bread and peanut butter make sense.

Devin 2:41

Bread makes way more sense than milk. It does. I've just never understood that. Anywho, we're so glad that you're here with us now on what is this, episode five?

Jon 2:54

Yeah.

Devin 2:55

Yeah. I had to think for a second. Sorry. Yeah, go ahead, baby. We we made it five, and we're not a total dumpster fire yet. Don't worry, John. There's still plenty of time for us to screw this up.

Jon 3:06

I believe I've said I said before in I think it was the first episode, something about a small trash can in the corner on fire. I think we're probably more like that.

Devin 3:15

Are we okay? We're not even a dumpster fire. We're just a small trash can.

Jon 3:19

Did I send you that emoji I made the other day? Yes. The Gen Moji thing? My very first thought was you need a hobby. No, it took like four seconds. It's really easy to do right there in the messages app on iPhone. Genmoji. I just typed in dumpster fire and it gave me a pretty cool emoji.

Devin 3:34

It's weird.

Introducing Men’s Mental Health

Jon 3:35

Anyways. Hey, you have a dumpster fire emoji now.

Devin 3:38

That's true, I do. So let me let me just kind of set the stage for everybody listening today. When John and I initially discussed doing a podcast, one of the things that we talked about wanting to do was an episode on mental health. It was one of the very first things that I went to you about and I said, I want to discuss this. And let me just go ahead and rat you out a little bit because we do that. You didn't want to. No, not really. Right? And that's gonna play a huge part into today because with this type of a topic that we're gonna discuss, I think it is something that does not just affect men. I think it affects women. I think it affects everybody. It does. Mental health. We have a severe mental health epidemic in our country. If you don't believe me, turn on the news.

Jon 4:39

And for the record, the it's the reasons that I didn't want to had nothing to do with nothing.

Devin 4:46

It's just not something you're used to talking about, right?

Jon 4:50

Well, that's not it at all. Okay, I'm wrong. But yeah, no, it was just I didn't want to because I just had other directions in mind. Which is which is fine. We can do both. I just yeah.

Devin 5:05

But initially, men's mental health. But it was something I think it's something for me that obviously I'm extremely passionate about. I've got I'm gonna share some very alarming statistics with you about this, as well as some resources and some tools and things that you can use in your life to help you out. So if you're listening to this, take notes. Not while you're driving. Yeah, okay. Not while you're driving. Don't don't do that. We are not responsible here on the Uncome A Man podcast. If you take notes while you're driving and you rear in somebody, that is not our fault.

Jon 5:39

Disclaimer, or if you're don't say not, it's not just if you're erring somebody, if you run off in the ditch or anything else. We are not responsible. We're not stupid politics. We gotta put stuff like that in. I don't think we have to. We're just stupid right now. Anyway, today the portion of whatever what am I trying to say? Sorry, words. What we're talking about today is men don't seek help.

Devin 6:06

I'm sorry.

Jon 6:07

Yeah, I just couldn't get that.

Devin 6:09

Your brain just decided to take an absolute dump and John's response. John's response is words.

Jon 6:18

All right. Back

Stats That Don’t Add Up In Our Heads

Jon 6:20

to the serious note. Men don't, we as men don't look for help. The overall men as men were less likely, statistically speaking, less likely to have a mental health issue than a woman. Okay. That being said, six million men are affected by depression in the United States every single year. Men die by suicide rate at four times higher than women. Okay, let me let me put a bow on that. Mental illness is lower. Suicide rate is higher. Four times. That does nothing but solidify the fact that men don't look for help.

Devin 7:16

Yeah.

Jon 7:17

More women will look for help because they're more willing to talk about their issues. Also, men are more likely to seek quote unquote help through substances like alcohol, coping mechanisms, drugs. Right.

Devin 7:38

They don't want to deal with the crap, they want to drown in it.

Jon 7:40

And I don't have any statistics on this, but additionally, a lot of people will use other coping mechanisms that are far less destructive, like hobbies and things like that. And that being said, that's just the way some men cope. And there's nothing wrong with that. That's how you cope with a given situation. But sure. No, I mean if I'm overly stressed or overly banned, you know what I do? I get up and I go do something around the house. Yeah, that's pretty, that's pretty normal. But it can get to a point where you're just doing nothing but distracting yourself from it and you're not dealing with the issue. Yeah. Whatever that issue may be.

Devin 8:12

Yeah. You absolutely have to come back and deal with it and allow me to use horrible, offensive language here.

unknown 8:20

Talk about it.

Jon 8:21

So over the course of this episode, just so we don't lose you guys, we're going to talk about some statistics that are may or may not blow your mind. Some of you may already know these. We want to talk about why these are important and then what we can do about it.

Devin 8:38

Yeah. So here were some extremely troubling statistics that I found in preparation for this episode. And I think, John, when you and I were both going over it, both of us were like, wait, really? Check in. Some of them, yeah. Yeah, check out 77% of men, according to this poll, have suffered with symptoms of common mental health conditions such as anxiety, stress, or depression. And I remember whenever I first read that, I immediately was like, ha, bull crap. You mean to tell me 23% of men said that they've never been stressed?

Jon 9:15

I call bull crap. 23% of the men that were actually polled. Sure. Sure.

Devin 9:21

And look, I don't know where where these I I have never been involved in one of these polls, and I would love to be one day. But I've you know what I'm talking about? Like you hear all these, well, polls recently say, I've never been polled.

Jon 9:33

Yeah, me neither.

Devin 9:34

You know what I'm saying?

Jon 9:35

So, but 77% of men do collect data from other sources other than directly asking people, I'm sure. But still it's probably a little higher than that. Now, if you go, if you go search these statistics, you might find slightly different percentages.

Devin 9:49

It's depending on whatever website. Yeah.

Jon 9:52

It depends on the poll, depends on the year, depends on how many people, so on and so forth. So how about this one?

Devin 9:59

40% of men has never spoken to anyone about their mental health. What? 40? That feels low, doesn't it?

Jon 10:10

Yeah, a little bit, probably.

Devin 10:12

That feels low. Never spoken to anybody.

Jon 10:16

It depends on your definition of spoken to someone about your mental health.

Devin 10:19

Yeah, that's true.

Jon 10:19

What the measuring stick is, that's true. So well, I still think that that's a little bit low. Like what you're thinking maybe, maybe professionally. Right. Yeah. What you're thinking is went to a therapist.

Devin 10:31

Yeah.

Jon 10:32

Whether that was mandated because whatever reason or not. What you're thinking is went to a therapist. It could be, it could be along the lines of men talks to I don't know, pastor.

Devin 10:46

Right. This next one, 29% of those say they are too embarrassed to speak about it, while 20% say that there is a quote negative stigma on the issue. Yeah. I completely agree. I think that most men, it's let me just I the best perspective, right, for me to speak from is mine. And I'm 35 years old and born and raised in the 90s. And so yeah, I survived hose pipe water. Okay. Uh I don't know why that's a thing for 90s kids, but it is. But here's the thing most of us were all told, man up, deal with your crap, or shove it deep down and don't discuss it. That if you fall and scrape your knee, suck it up, deal with it, and rub some dirt in it.

Jon 11:37

Do you know how many Mentos you have to put in a Coke before it'll finally just blow the top? In it just one? No, but the point. What's your point with that? The point is if you keep putting Mentos in the Coke, it's eventually gonna blow up. Diet Coke. What? No, regular any soda. Really? Yeah. Okay. Stop it. Stop it.

unknown 12:01

I'm sorry.

Jon 12:02

If you keep putting Mentos in the Coke, it's eventually gonna blow up. Can we do that? In other words, if you keep bottling it up, it's eventually gonna blow up in some way or another. Depression in in men, speaking from experience, yeah, is usually expressed in anger.

Work, Money, Identity, And Stress

Jon 12:20

Yeah. At least more often than other things.

Devin 12:25

The biggest cause of men's mental health issue, according to this poll, were work 32%, finances 31%, and their health 23%. Because most men's identity, most of your common man's identity, is found in what they do, or their status, their title, and their money. Which I think when you really think about it, and you really break that down, there dude, there's billionaires that are absolute jerkwads out there. Probably all of them. Sure. I don't know. There's some that are good. I've met a few millionaires that were genuine.

Jon 13:05

You said billionaires.

Devin 13:06

Billionaires. Okay. I'm sure they're not far off, but all I'm saying is like, I think people that don't hurt for money, okay? They live whatever kind of lifestyle they want, and money is no object for them. Some of them are good dudes, but some of them, as you well know, that's that's what their identity is found in. See episode four for perspective. That's right. Like their identity is found in how good they are at their job and their their profession or whatever. And I I think back to something a basketball coach last year said, I don't, I don't know his name. He's the head coach for the men's basketball team. And he was getting into it with this official, and the official had had enough, right? And so he turns his back, and this head coach for the UConn men's basketball team, Dan Hurley, I think is his name. He turns around and he goes, Don't turn your back on me. I'm the best effing coach in this sport. And I'm like, your identity is so screwed. It's found in because you've won a couple of national titles, been to some Final Fours, some Elite Eights. And I realize you're not a sports guy, but like you know that that's a big enough deal, sure. But could you imagine saying it? Don't turn your back on me on the bedroom. Your identity's founding your what? Yeah, you can't one of the biggest causes.

Jon 14:33

Yeah, it's is their work. You can't, your whole identity can't just revolve around work. But r regardless, whether you sometimes your work can cause mental health issues, and your life, your identity doesn't revolve around it, too. Yeah. A lot of people, a lot of people, I would say most men don't necessarily enjoy their job. I think most people don't enjoy their job.

Devin 15:02

Right. That's true. We're talking about men though. But at the end of the day, again, episode four, it goes back to your perspective. Right? Right. Because your perspective is I'm tired of going to this dead-end job. Okay, there are people who would literally kill to have your dead end job.

Jon 15:19

Fact. Again, shameless plug. Go watch episode four if you haven't yet.

Devin 15:23

You see what I'm saying? Like, if you're there, there are people who want to work and can't find a job or can't work.

Jon 15:31

And some people hate their job. Which, you know, I sometimes sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And sometimes you do have to suck it up and go anyway.

Devin 15:44

But sometimes you have to suck it up, and and I've heard it put this way before. I think there are certain cases where this is true. Is if you ask me, this is not entirely me, but this is what this gentleman said. He said, if you ask me, anybody who hates their job has nobody but themselves to blame for it. And I I think to me, like a lot of it can be your perspective shift. And if you take a step back and look at what you're what it is that you're doing and how you're providing, and who you're providing for, and what your why is for why you do what you do. I mean, do you agree with that? What do you think? Can you say the statement again? If the guy said this, he said, if you ask me, anybody who hates their job has nobody to blame but themselves for.

Jon 16:26

If he's thinking about it from the perspective of I could have a better attitude about it, I could change my perspective on it. Sure. Yeah, because if you hate your job, like that doesn't mean you have yeah, you're right. You doesn't mean you have to like it, but you don't have to be negative Nancy about it either. Your perspective can and just we're also not contradicting ourselves here. It kind of sounds like we are. Sometimes you do have to shift your perspective, and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to let's say provide for your family. Right. Like times get real tough, and you gotta work at McDonald's, then do what you gotta do. That's right. You can talk to somebody about it, but constantly complaining about it and having a negative attitude is also going to make your mental health go down the train even more.

Devin 17:19

That's right. This next one, I'm not gonna lie, I don't understand this one at all. 40% of men polled said that it would take thoughts of suicide or self-harm to compel them to get professional help. 40%.

Jon 17:37

I believe it was you that said that's like treating stage four cancer when it's already at stage four.

Devin 17:44

Uh yeah, well, similar. I said that's like not getting cancer treatment until it's stage five.

Jon 17:51

Okay, I said four.

Devin 17:52

Like what? You're not going to go get help because uh until it's stage five? You're gonna wait until all the warning, alarms, bells, whistles, everything is gone off before you decide that you're gonna get some help.

Jon 18:10

Yep.

Devin 18:12

You're gonna wait until you've lost everybody and everything.

Jon 18:16

It's like waiting until your cold becomes bronchitis.

Devin 18:19

Like I just I don't understand that from that standpoint. I saw that statistic when you sent it over, and I was just like, wait a minute. These people are saying four almost half of the dudes in this study said that they're not gonna go get help until they have thoughts about unaliving themselves. What where did that turn come from? I don't know. I don't know if it's the politically correct version or not, but I'm just saying by the way. You're like I I have never understood that you're gonna wait until it's all certainly but over to go get help. I just have never understood that. I digress. All I'm simply saying is obviously if those if those thoughts are in your mind, you what that should do is that should make you want to go get it even worse, like even more to go get the help even more. But you should want that, you should need the help and recognize the need for the help long before it gets to that stage. Let's go to the next one. Since 2008, do you remember what happened in the year of 2008 besides the stock market taking a dump? The iPhone. That's right. That's right. I am I'm impressed. Did you cheat? No. Okay, good. So, yes, in 2008, the iPhone with all the apps released. But did you know this this one broke my heart? Since 2008, suicide rates in men have increased by nearly three. Hundred percent. Oh my lord. Three hundred percent increase.

Phones, Loneliness, And The 2008 Shift

Devin 20:10

That's a lot. And I and I'm venturing to say this, and I and and I'm not wrong. If you think I am, argue with a wall. It is because we simply cannot put down our phones. That's a huge part of it. I think that's yeah, in 2008. We because of the iPhone, we have become the loneliest generation there ever was.

Jon 20:36

As far as loneliness. I will say that that is a huge contributing factor, probably not the only thing. What else happened in the beginning of the early 2000s? 9-11. Yep. Changed history. Yep. Where did a whole lot of men go? Overseas. And where did they come back to?

Devin 20:58

A country that absolutely showed them no thanks or appreciation. Yes, a country that showed them.

Jon 21:03

Probably not like a Vietnam level, but yes. Yeah. Yeah. And then you've got a bunch of blue-haired liberal women hating all of them. But they have, after seeing some stuff that they saw over there, have some pretty severe mental health problems. Yeah, you've got a bunch of PTSD soldiers. That's not even their fault. No. Then suicide rates in in veterans is staggering. It is. Yeah. And then give them an iPhone when they come back.

Devin 21:32

Yeah, that's just but the pro but the problem is people don't they don't they don't know when to put their phones down. I'll give you a great example of something that I I personally do. Like every night at seven o'clock, my phone goes into do not disturb. You cannot get to me unless somebody is dead or dying into my phone. Or or get to me through my phone because of that. Even even today, my my wife and I have been dating for a little over 10 years, married for almost eight. And even today, if we go to a restaurant or whatever, only one of us takes our phone in, and that's for an emergency use. And if you take your phone in, it goes into D D immediately.

Jon 22:13

Yeah.

Devin 22:14

And we don't we don't bring it out.

Jon 22:16

That's a that's a good practice. Because it's be where you are. That's a good practice. There's another thing that I thought of while you were saying that about uh veterans. You were talking about the negative stigma on mental health earlier in the military. That's that stigma is is even is even more prevalent. Now I think enough people in the military are gonna understand something like PTST to where you're not necessarily from personal experience, other people may have may have different experiences, right? You're talking from a personal perspective. But from personal experience, if you went to ask for help, there might be some people that talk about you behind your back. And they're probably not gonna say anything to your face. There might be some people that talk about you behind your back. Like, so for instance, I was on a submarine. You have to volunteer for submarine service. If you want to get off of the submarine and go regular Navy, you typically what people do is they they do what's called tapping out, which means they go to the chaplain or the squadron psychiatrist and say, Hey, I can't do this because I'm crazy. One guy literally picked up a knife and acted like he was gonna stab somebody. I saw that happen. He he I don't think he had any intention of actually doing so. Sure. But he was like, I'm done with this. But he just went cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Yeah.

Devin 23:54

And they were like, all right.

Jon 23:56

Yeah, exactly. That that dude, nobody's gonna make fun of him for getting help.

Devin 24:01

No, no, but they're gonna talk about it for all eternity.

Jon 24:04

But see, why did he do that?

Devin 24:05

Why did he do that? Because he felt like he had nowhere else to go. He felt like he had to do something out of character. Desperate people do desperate things. You see what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02 24:18

Yeah.

Devin 24:18

So that's that's what I'm saying. Put listen, it is okay if people can't get a hold of you from time to time. The late great Charlie Kurt, regardless of whether or not you like him or you hate him, he had a practice that I thought was absolutely genius, where every Saturday night he turned his phone off and put it in a drawer. And he did not turn it back on until Monday morning. I thought that that was a great idea, a great practice because it guaranteed no distractions. And I realize that in today's world, it is something that is our very lives are operated around. But here's the thing: you're the CEO of your life. You get to decide who's in, who's out, who can be involved, and who can't. Guess what? If you're a parent, you can decide that for your kids. You should decide that for the record for the record. Like one of the biggest things I my wife and I were out to eat a a few weeks ago, and I will never forget I'm seeing this family, and it's a a mother, a father, a son, and a daughter. They're all four at the dinner table, not a single one of them talking to each other. Yeah, they're probably staring at their phones. Yeah, talking to any restaurant. Common lives. Five times. Common lives. We're on this, we're doing this podcast to help everybody lead uncommon lives. That's why it's called the uncommon man. Two more here. One in three men say that they have no one in their life that they can confide in.

Jon 25:58

And I bet you they do. And I bet you one of those other people in their lives thinks the same thing.

Devin 26:08

Yep.

Jon 26:09

When in reality they could confide in each other. Yep. We're just less likely to talk about it. We don't want to. And when a lot of times, a lot of times when say something crappy did happen to you. You're like, hey, how how'd that one thing go? Like, oh, you know, it's fine. It it sucked. And you start talking about the weather, football, or whatever.

Devin 26:36

Yeah. Because the problem is this. We live in a world where we tell ourselves silently, what if they knew? What if they knew that I actually struggled with that? We think it makes us look weak. We'll get to that. We'll get to that. And there we go. And and the question I would say is if that's the way you think, the th then my simple response, I don't talk to anybody because of whatever. How's that working out for you? Mm-hmm. How's that going? The guy that picked up a knife and acted like he was going to stab somebody did something out of character.

Jon 27:10

And I don't know the dude from anywhere. To be fair, I don't I don't know that it was necessarily out of character for that guy.

Devin 27:17

Well, but that's beside the point. But still, and most people in their right minds would go, well, I would never desperate do desperate things. Yeah. And all I'm simply stating is that we need we need to be able to unplug and take that time away. Right. One more. 70% of all of Gen Z, if you're a parent and you're listening to this podcast and you have Gen Z kids, 70% of all Gen Z says they have a constant, constant feeling of loneliness.

Jon 27:47

My God, what a nightmare. Because

Stigma, Strength, And Bottling Emotions

Jon 27:50

being connected virtually is Yeah. We're the most connected virtually and the least connected physically. Society physically the right way.

Devin 27:58

No, no, no. You said that perfectly.

Jon 27:59

Just physically the right way. Whatever.

Devin 28:00

You know what I mean? We are, yes, because we're not, we're not connected to the majority of people. We don't talk about our issues. We don't talk about our crap that we've got going on. Instead, we go and we confide or we went, we rant and we rave on the internet and blah, blah, blah, and whatever. But all I'm simply stating is this 70% of all Gen Z feels like they're lonely. I guarantee you, parents, you want to help with that. You get to do this as the parent. Take the dagom phone out of their hand. They will be okay. Or if you don't want to do that, you say, Oh, I'm it's not worth that fight.

Jon 28:38

Take them somewhere there's no self-service. Yeah, yeah. We do we do some version of screen time in my house. Yeah, we have limits.

Devin 28:50

We have limits. But the the biggest reason I I think, you know, like I said, that men don't talk about it is they were just raised not to.

Jon 29:00

Yeah. Everybody has something probably probably very similar growing up. Anybody our in our age, give or take, or older, especially older.

Devin 29:11

Because I'm 35, you're 30, 32.

Jon 29:13

Yeah. So I mean, in some roundabout way, most of us were told, maybe not even in these words, but just through examples, like we don't talk about it. Like if you got something going on, just you're fine. Go rub some dirt in it. You can't rub dirt in feelings. If you fall and skin your knee, yeah, okay, you're you're fine. Is it bleeding? No, here, let's clean it up.

Devin 29:40

No, but if you got a bone sticking out of your leg.

Jon 29:42

Okay. Yes, that's different.

Devin 29:44

But can you watch those videos, by the way? You know what I'm talking about? Can I? Like sometimes there are certain people out there who like if if I don't know, they're watching a sports game and somebody's like bone snaps. Oh, dude, I rewatch it. Yeah. Yeah, oh, rewind it. Let me see that again. We're seeing the horror. Yeah. I I I can. It doesn't bother me. Like, what and it's the videos where you're going, that's not supposed to be there. Yeah.

Jon 30:12

It's like you pause it and you're like, I don't think it's like supposed to have been that way. That's kind of hurt. The man's balls sticking out. That's gotta hurt. Anyway. You more a dumpster fire. You can't rub, you can't rub dirt in your feelings. That's right. Here are some other reasons. That's another that's a word that again, we as men don't like using.

Devin 30:38

Which one?

Jon 30:39

Feelings. Oh. Yeah.

Devin 30:43

That being said, you gotta talk about your feelings too. We'll get to that in a minute. Well, we can make a whole nother episode about that for all I can. No, not about about feelings, just about feelings. Today's kind of talk about it. Freaking talk about it. Open your trap. Talk about it.

Jon 31:00

No, I mean to what I was about to say at the end, because I was getting ahead of myself there.

Devin 31:05

Stop getting ahead of you. Anyways, here's some other reasons that I have found that men choose not to talk about their feelings or their issues. These are some of the things that the common things that were said. You've probably said some of these yourself, and if you have, that's okay. Here's how we're learning and getting better. I've learned to deal with it. Did you just say learnt? Learned, learnt that my notes said learnt by accident. I've learned oh my god.

Jon 31:35

You type learnt.

SPEAKER_02 31:36

I did not type it.

Jon 31:38

I didn't autocorrect to that, I guarantee you that.

unknown 31:41

My bad.

Jon 31:42

All right. I'll fix it.

Devin 31:43

There we go.

Jon 31:45

Next, I don't wish to be a burden to anyone.

Devin 31:48

No, no, no. Hold on, hold on. You've learned, you've learned, you've learned to deal with it.

Jon 31:55

Yeah. What which means you haven't dealt with it.

Devin 31:57

Which means you haven't dealt with it. That's a direct contradiction. If it's still bothering you, you haven't dealt with it. Fact. All right. I don't wish to be a burden on anyone. If you're talking to the right person, you're not a burden. First off, if that person says that you're a burden because you're unloading some crap on them, guess what? You need to unfriend them like immediately. Right. Like I just said, if you're talking to the wrong person. Yeah, they're not your friend. You don't want to the I can't be bothered with your crap going on. I got my own crap going on. I'm sorry, you're a selfish jerk. Yeah.

Jon 32:36

Uh next one embarrassed. You're too embarrassed. Which leads back to the stigma. Because you don't want people to see you as weak.

Devin 32:47

People need to learn this very, very key piece of mental health advice. It is okay to not be okay. It's okay. Everybody goes through it, man. Everybody does. You're too embarrassed. I'd rather you talk about it than me have to talk about you at your funeral. Yeah, that's deep and yeah, that's harsh. But I'm tired of going to funerals because people just didn't want to talk about it because they were too embarrassed. There's a negative stigma. The next one, there's a negative stigma around this type of thing. Which we have already covered earlier.

Jon 33:31

Yeah.

Devin 33:32

But again, to sit there and say, I don't want to talk about it because there's a there's a negative stigma because it somehow makes you look weak. You stuffing it down is the equivalent of taking all of the trash in your house and throwing it underneath the living room rug. What's going to happen? Eventually, that rug's gonna look weird. It's gonna start to smell. And there's going to, it's not good, it's gonna go very, very bad very, very quickly. Sometimes not sometimes. We have to get out of this place of let me just shovel it underneath the rug and hope it goes away.

Jon 34:16

Yeah.

Devin 34:16

That is not how we fix our problems, and that's not going to work. The next one, you don't want to admit, or they say they said this I don't want to admit I need support.

Jon 34:30

Kind of that kind of goes.

Devin 34:32

I can understand this, or not want to be a burden. I can I can understand saying so. Here's here's the key difference to me. You can you say, I don't want to admit I need support. Okay. That means you have elevated somebody on some sort of a level that has all of their crap together. And that's just quite simply not true. I I people you you can listen to to John and myself and say, well, these guys must have their stuff together because they're covering the things that nobody else wants. No.

Jon 35:06

No, we're just sitting here having a conversation.

Devin 35:07

We're just sitting here having a conversation. We're two dumpster fires trying to help one another out and trying to bring everybody else along with us. It's a dumpster fire talk for one day.

Jon 35:15

All right.

Devin 35:16

You made a dumpster fire emoji.

Jon 35:18

Yeah, it wasn't in relation to myself.

Devin 35:21

Whatever. Admit you need support. It's okay. This and here's why they said I don't want to appear weak.

Finding Your People And Real Talk

Devin 35:30

Which, yeah, again, we've already said a few times. Yeah. And the last one, I have no one to talk to. Side note. Sometimes there is a time to suck it up and be the strong one and move forward. Right? Sometimes your family needs you to be the one to do that.

Jon 35:52

Yeah, so this goes this goes into that stigma a little bit because as kids we were taught, as to some extent we should have been. We were taught that you're you're the strong one. You're the one that has to take care of the weaker ones around you, the the women in your life, whatever the case may be. However, which women are not weak, but yes.

Devin 36:22

I wasn't saying No, I know, I know that's not what you're saying, but what I'm saying, that that was the stigma that we were taught.

Jon 36:28

Yeah, it's it's your job to care for and provide.

Devin 36:32

Yeah.

Jon 36:33

And you're supposed to be the strong one. You're supposed to be the one that that carries the heavy loads. To to some extent, that is correct. That is a hundred percent correct. But that doesn't mean that you get to that you have to just shove everything down. You can be strong, you can still do those things when you need to, but still realize that you need help. Yeah. Right? Like sometimes, no, it is not the right time to show fear. That's right. When somebody busts through your front door and wants to, I don't know, whatever. I'm not gonna get into they want to do unspeakable things. That's not the time to show fear. That's the time when you absolutely be that man. Yeah. Right? Deal with it now, and then deal with it again. You still have to deal with whatever that did to you mentally later.

Devin 37:30

Yeah, because like like like you're saying though, is there's there's the time to to admit, I need some help, I need support, I'm struggling with here, you and to find that person to talk to, right? But then there's the times where it's time to step up, be the man, and then process and deal with the emotions later. Right. Right. And like, you know, we we we said that we don't want to or we we don't have anybody to talk to a minute ago. Dude, I literally used to have a I I mean, we're still friends to this day. We just don't, we've both got kids and we're married now, and it just doesn't work out as as it did back then. But dude, we used to literally get together and sit in the in my backyard and we would we would put a fire in the fire pit and we would just sit there and talk life and crap for hours. Just as two dudes, like we're we would just sit there and talk about our crap. And you know how it was shocking the number of times that one of us would say something that we were dealing with or going through, and the other guy would go, Bro, I know exactly what you mean. I get it, that makes sense. Oh my god, I'm not the only one. What what could it look like if we just if we practice that a little bit more?

Jon 38:56

Yeah.

Devin 38:58

Be intentional about that and schedule it.

Jon 39:00

Yeah, it and I'll say this too. I was reminded of something the other day. I can't remember the author, and I don't remember the book. But I was reminded of this the other day. Compared, he was comparing the way men and women deal with things, basically. Men are waffles and women are spaghetti. Think about that for a second, though. I know, it's funny on purpose. I mean, I like spaghetti but more, but please keep going.

Devin 39:32

I've never heard this before.

Jon 39:33

No? No, okay. What's a waffle look like? It's a bunch of nice, neat little squares.

Devin 39:37

Yeah.

Jon 39:38

You can take each thing that's going on in your life and put it in a square. When you need to deal with that thing, you go to that square. Uh huh. Women, it's like spaghetti.

SPEAKER_02 39:47

Uh huh.

Jon 39:48

It's all just everywhere, all the time. Right? They deal with things so much faster because it is right at the forefront of their mind.

Devin 40:00

My gosh, that is so when I go to work.

Jon 40:02

If I've got something else going on, when I go to work, I'm not thinking about that thing. I'm thinking about what I'm doing right then because I have to sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 40:11

Yeah.

Jon 40:12

Again, from experience, there's been times where I've had some crazy stuff going on in my life. Yeah. But if I'm out to sea on a submarine and I what what I did was I was most of the time either a navigation supervisor or quartermaster. If somebody needed to know where we were, where we were going, how long it was gonna take to get there, where we can't go, where we can't go, so on and so forth. If I'm not on my game, we could get in some serious trouble. Yeah. Right. Now it's not that I was like the last hope there or anything. I'm not trying to say that, but I had to be, every single one of us had to be on our game. I believe we are designed to be able to compartmentalize things like that on purpose. Differently.

Devin 41:04

The men versus women.

Jon 41:06

Which helps us, yeah, yeah, right. Which helps us to, in many cases, be strong and carry those burdens.

Devin 41:18

And there's a balance to it, right? There's a balance between knowing when to show and talk about the emotion and the vulnerabilities that you're dealing with, and when not to. There is a balancing.

Jon 41:31

We're not saying it's not difficult. That's that's when that's when having someone in your life to talk to, like, and we'll get to how to find that person in a second. Yeah. That's when finding having someone in your life that you can talk to, that is that that knows these things, that's that is a good Christian person. Your boy. To tell you. That's right. Like, dude, you need to shut up. That's right. Like you're just complaining and you have a crappy attitude.

Devin 42:00

Oh, wait, I thought you were telling me to shut up. I'm like, okay.

Jon 42:03

But no. Not yet. I will later, sure. But like, you need to have somebody that can tell you, no, you're you just have a crappy attitude and you need to stop it. Yeah. Or, all right, let's let's talk about this. Yeah. You know, and you should you should have some wherewithal to kind of know too.

Devin 42:23

So how do we improve it? Right? How how do we improve our our mental health for our life?

Jon 42:32

Well, first of all, like I was just saying, yeah, you need to have people, more than just one person, but at least one person. Yeah. That you can that you can talk to. Exactly. Someone that under someone, ideally, someone that understands where you're coming from.

Devin 42:52

Somebody there needs to be one, two, maybe even three different people in your life, whether

Faith, Community, And Practical Help

Devin 43:00

you're a man or a woman, that whenever they ask you, hey man, how you doing, that it is okay in a safe space for you to land and go, you know what? Life freaking sucks right now and I'm not okay. Yeah. You know, the people that those are your your people that you can call at 2 a.m. Whenever you're whenever you're tired, you're tired of fighting, you don't know how to get up the next day because you feel like you're just gonna deal with the same next level start of absolute just garbage. Nobody appreciates, nobody thinks, nobody, you know, we you can't talk about it right because then what if they knew this and all that? You need to have those people that the next time you go to them and and they say, hey, how's it going, that you can land on and be like, you know what, buddy? I'm struggling. I wonder how many things could be, how many horrible things in our world, how many shootings could be prevented? Right? If we just simply had that person, because a lot of it is built-up, pent-up rage. If you just had that person, that's someone that you could fall and just say, you know what, I'm not okay. And if you're listening to this and you're going, well, I don't have nobody, you're wrong. Fall into the arms of Jesus and let him do it. Let him carry you. He wants to, he wants to carry that burden with you. I said it before on this podcast, and I'll say it again. There is nothing in this world that you can't go through or that you will go through that Jesus Himself didn't experience.

Jon 44:43

Right. But you do still need a physical person in your life.

Devin 44:47

You do, you do, yes, but but what I'm simply saying, you do need that. What I'm simply saying is get make sure that you and you and the Lord, are you are you falling in his arms? Or are you falling into coping mechanisms? Are you falling into alcohol and pornography addiction and all the things that are absolutely wrecking your life? Where are you falling into? Everybody, I read this in a book last year. Everybody is being led by something or someone. What are you being led by? And what and what uh what are you leading? Who's following you? Have that person that they that when they say, Hey John, you doing okay, buddy? No, man, you know what? I'm not. I'm not okay. Do you mind if we get some lunch and let's just talk this crap out? Yeah. Instead, you what the common man does is they say, Yeah, I know I'm doing good, man. How's it going? Did you catch the game last night? Yeah. Again, how's that working for you? I'm fine. Yeah, how are you? Exactly. I mean, I've literally gone to a funeral for somebody before, and I asked their sibling. I was very good friends with their sibling, and I asked their sibling like the next day. I was like, hey, how's it going? Oh man, I'm great. I was like, you want to run that by me again?

Jon 46:05

And you know what? You got a point. That's just what people do. Yeah, it's like a greeting at this point. How's it going? I'm good. I'm good.

Devin 46:13

No splash. Nobody's fine.

Jon 46:14

It's like saying, hey, hey.

Devin 46:15

It's yeah. The the the and this is backed up in scripture, bring it to light.

Jon 46:22

Ephesians 5, 13.

Devin 46:24

Yeah, Ephesians 5.13 says everything exposed in the light becomes visible. Everything that is illuminated becomes light. And really what I'm getting at whenever I say bring it to light is give those emotions and those feelings a name. Bring them to the light. When they're in the darkness, they're gonna eat you alive. Bring them to the bring them to light. Talk about them with somebody. You're struggling with it, talk about it with somebody. That safe space, that landing space that you can go to. If you want, listen, if and I and I I know I can go ahead and say this, and and John's not going to you know edit this out. But if you're like, man, I have absolutely nobody, listen, email us. We oh yeah, yeah. Drop like follow us, DM us, we don't care. Let us know, and we would love to be able to help you out with that. Let us help you walk through the things that you're going through.

Jon 47:27

Yeah, and I'll tell you the judgment free. Yeah, I mean, feel free to do that. The best thing you can do though is to find a community. So get in a church, and I don't mean watch church online. The biggest reason to go to a physical building is to find some community. Yeah, that's one reason I think small groups are so important, so vitally important. Now, a good small group. I mean, if you want to go to a knitting small group, by all means, knock yourself out, but you also need a really good group of men that you can confide in. You've got a small group coming up. I do.

Devin 48:06

Yeah. And guess what we're all gonna do? We're gonna sit around to a coffee table, drink some coffee, and talk about crap. We're gonna talk our crap out.

Jon 48:16

I mean, yeah, in a in a nutshell. Yeah.

Devin 48:19

So I mean, like, that's and find somebody that you can do that with, that you can just simply go grab that cup of coffee, go grab lunch with. And if you know somebody that's struggling, invite them. Yeah. Hey man, let's go get some lunch. Give them, offer them that safe space, that that place to land.

Jon 48:37

Even is and some people, some people struggle to make friends, some people just struggle socially, which is fun fact, gonna drive them in deeper into a depression or sure whatever the case may be. But and if that's the case, you have to know that there's there are people out there that do care. It's not like the whole world doesn't care if you've even if you are a little socially weird, there's plenty of people that absolutely care. Yeah.

Devin 49:16

So get your people. Where do you get the help? Your people. Yeah, there's a reason, guys. If you've been following along, there's a reason that we have mentioned this now three episodes in a row. You need your feet, you need your people.

Jon 49:31

I want to say it might be four.

Devin 49:33

Whatever. I don't know. You need the people that you can go to and that you can be like, I'm struggling with this and I need some help. Okay. And that's that's of the utmost, I can't stress it enough. That is of the utmost importance. You need your people, the people you do life with.

Jon 49:55

Sometimes, if you want to be healed from something, you can pray about it. God will send someone to you. God uses people to have you.

Devin 50:05

God, I wanted you to heal me. I sent four people. Yeah. Like you shoved them all off. Exactly.

Jon 50:13

Exactly.

Devin 50:14

You know, people also say, Well, there's I need help with with this. Go to the Bible. It can help.

Jon 50:22

Yep.

Devin 50:23

Holy stinking crap. Open the Bible and see what it has to say about your issue. Google it. Scriptures

Final Encouragement And Closing

Devin 50:30

about whatever that looks like. It really is that simple. Your pastor would be a good one, right? Yeah. You're you're a a a good Bible-believing faith-based pastor. Most people think pastors all they do is they preach on Sundays. They do way more counseling than they do preaching.

Jon 50:50

Yeah. And it doesn't necessarily even have to be a depending on your you know denomination, whatever, like a lead pastor of a church. Yeah. Right. No. Really, really what we're talking about here is someone that a godly man that can that will counsel you. It's it's more of a counsel than a sit down and have a yeah. We're sitting down having a conversation, right? But it's it's more of a counselor sort of situation. That doesn't necessarily have to be a pastor. If you go to massive mega church, like you're not gonna get the lead pastor, right? But there's there's people on the staff at a church like that. There's something there, they have the resources. That's right. They they can help you.

Devin 51:42

And then finally, a counselor or a therapist. Right. There is an unfortunate stigma that is just not true, is that if you see a counselor or a therapist that you're a psycho. And the fact of the matter is, that's just not true. It's it's one of those, like, I'll be completely honest with you. I had a very personal thing that happened, I think, last week, and literally the next day, I messaged my counselor and I was like, hey, can we meet? Because I knew that if I shoved that down and and just didn't deal with it, I was going to be in a world of hurt. But here's like what was very, very interesting. Was I sent a text out to a handful of my friends, and I'm pretty sure within about two or three hours, every single one of them had responded. What can I do? Do you need anything? Can I pray for you? I'm like, man, that's community right there, baby. That's community. That's awesome.

Jon 52:40

If you want it, you can find it. It's there. That's right. You have to look though.

Devin 52:45

So to put a bow on it, the point, obviously, behind this episode, seeking help does not make you any less manly. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you look like anything that you've built up into your mind that you think it does. Asking for help is a show of strength. It's showing you and it's showing others that it's okay to talk about things. It's okay to not be okay.

Jon 53:20

Sometimes you just simply need some help. Sometimes we just need some help, man.

Devin 53:25

That's all right. And I think the reality is until we are willing to admit that I'm not okay and I need some help and I need to talk about it, we're gonna continue to live in that same vicious cycle.

Jon 53:38

Yeah.

Devin 53:39

And what I'm here today to tell every single person that's listening to this podcaster, whether you're watching it, anybody listening under the sound of my voice, is there's a God of the universe that loves you more than you could ever begin to imagine. He knew what it was like. He sent his son to die on a cross for you. And his son knew exactly what it felt like to be betrayed. He knew exactly what it felt like to not be okay. He knew exactly what it felt like to be stabbed in the back by those that were closest to him, by those that once adored him. And I promise you that if you will fall into the arms of Jesus and let him be the one, Jesus said this. He said, Cast your cares upon me. Let me carry it. You weren't designed to carry the things of this world and the weight of this world that you're carrying around. Quite simply, you weren't designed. It's like trying to put a CD into a floppy disk drive. It's just not gonna work. Fall into the arms of Jesus and let him be the one to carry you through this season. This dude shall pass. It's not always gonna be this way. And it's okay to not be okay. You got anything you want to add to that? No, that that that pretty much summed it up, I think. Let's pray. Father, I thank you so much for your grace, your love. God, I thank you so much for the opportunity for this platform. I thank you for the Uncommon Man podcast and what you've put on John and my heart to share. I pray, Lord, that everybody that listens to this episode, God, that they would learn to see what it looks like. To just simply ask for help. To not that to to know that it's that it's okay to not be okay. God, that would they fall into your arms. And when they do, would you carry them? I pray for every single person that's listening to this. Those that feel like they can't take another step. Those that feel like it's a dead end road. And then some of them just don't even want to wake up tomorrow. I pray, Lord, that you show them the great and unbelievable purpose for their lives. They are built on purpose, for a purpose, by a God who loves them more than they could ever begin to imagine. God, thank you so much for your love, your grace, thank you for your time. We honor you. We thank you today in Jesus' name. Amen.

Jon 56:41

Thanks for listening. Remember to like, share, and subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy this, please pass it along. You can follow us on Instagram at uncommon.man or reach out at theuncommonman.podcast at gmail.com. Keep pursuing excellence, and above all, pursue price.