10. Why Your Friends Determine Your Future

The friends you choose make more of an impact on your life than you might think.

We look at the real sources of influence in your life. Friends, books, music, and social media, and why not everyone with a voice deserves authority in your decisions. Using Scripture as our foundation, we talk about wise counsel, iron sharpening iron, and the difference between encouragement and empty flattery. We also unpack the idea that you become like the people you spend the most time with.

If you’re ready to take a hard look at your circle, raise your standards, and become the kind of friend who sharpens others, this episode is for you.

Share it with someone who pushes you to grow, subscribe for more conversations on uncommon leadership and faith, and leave a review telling us one change you’ll make to your circle this week.

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Transcript

Cold Open And Coffee Chaos

Jon 0:10

Welcome to the Uncommon Man podcast. We are your hosts. I'm John, along with Mr. Devin Jeffries over here, who is gonna say he's doing great because he always says that.

SPEAKER_04 0:21

I mean, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to get on here and be like, life sucks, I suck, everything's awful? All right, you are I'm miserable.

Devin 0:30

I'm really not, but I I I I am I really am doing great. It's it's good to be back because we've we've had a couple weeks off because we recorded so many in a row. So uh it's good to be back here with you today. I'm excited for our topic at hand. But really, before we we're because we're talking about friendships today. Okay. We'll go ahead and give that spoiler that we're we're gonna be discussing friendships, but I do have a very interesting question for you. And I saw this on uh some social media podcast, I think it was Instagram one time, and it said, if I got arrested and I called you, what would you say I was arrested for?

Jon 1:13

What would Devin be arrested for? Something really stupid. Like really stupid. It wouldn't be you killed somebody or stabbed somebody. It would be Devin was doing something dumb and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, bad things happened. Like, I don't know, Listerine DUI or a Listerine DUI.

Devin 1:35

So so what? Like uh like I chugged some Listerine. Like you forgot to brush your teeth, you're in a hurry, got pulled over, and blew like a point O or something.

Jon 1:44

Yeah, I don't know. Or like set somebody's house on fire with fireworks or something like that.

Devin 1:51

See, that's what my wife said. My wife said it would be because I blew something up, like with fireworks or something.

Jon 1:56

I don't think you'd blow anything up. You'd just you'd catch something on fire. Like I said, you shed on fire, maybe.

Devin 2:01

Yeah, like I caught I I caught something on fire because of a firework. That was literally what my wife said. So and I was like, yeah, you're not wrong. I think yours is a little bit more accurate actually than hers, of I just did something stupid, kind of like a wrong place, wrong time kind of deal. I do tend to do stupid stuff. No, I'm just saying, like, I I think that like yours was a little bit more accurate. It's more in more in line with what you think. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I don't agree with that.

Jon 2:29

All right. Okay, well, if I got arrested, what would it be for?

Devin 2:35

So I have thought a very, very long time about this, probably way too much. It it's definitely way too much. It's it's occupied entirely too much of my head so I thought about it for seven seconds.

unknown 2:47

I had to go.

Devin 2:50

I had to go back to like I was thinking, okay, he's he's former military. Oh god. He's really good with like connections, like connecting things together, your photography, you're setting all this up, like all this connecting things together, like jigsaw puzzles. What are you talking about? No, like like how like on a computer, you're really good with with computers, you're really good with setting up all of the stuff for the podcasts that we do, the lighting and things like that. And so for me, I think if you got arrested, you would be arrested for legit like C4 blowing something up. Why would I do that? I I don't know. I feel like you've got like you know just what it takes on how to how to do something like that. I feel like you secretly know how to build things that you shouldn't know how to build, and that that's what you would be arrested for. That's just I don't know. Listen, if you if you if you want, you can leave leave it in the comments below of why you think John or I would get arrested for something.

Jon 4:00

Do that. I always thought if I got arrested, it would probably be because I clicked the wrong link on the deep web or something. Moving on. It'd be like, whoop, let me get out of that, but the FBI already already found me.

Devin 4:13

So you you would absolutely be the person to open up an email that you shouldn't open up.

Jon 4:18

No. A million dollars for talking about like like I s I spent like I don't know, maybe 15 minutes of my life

Why Friendships Matter

Jon 4:27

on a Tor browser on some just because I felt like it. Yeah. And then I was like, I probably shouldn't be doing this. Yeah, probably not. Because I'm gonna click on something by accident that I shouldn't. It's gonna be the FBI is gonna be bang beating down my door.

Devin 4:42

Well, you know, they listen to everything, so especially there. Yeah, exactly. So, but no, uh and and by the way, I've got to absolutely uh ring you right now. So if you've listened to this podcast for for any any length of time, you know that while we record, we drink coffee. We've done that for the past four or five episodes now, won't we? I'm a big coffee nut, coffee nut, coffee junkie, if you will. And I remember the first time I came over here and you had the French press machine, and I was like, It's not a machine, whatever. And I was like, Yes, this guy knows how to do some dang coffee. And so we talked about you know the different mugs that that you have, and I have a lot of fun mugs at my house and things like that, and then we talked about like the different flavors of coffee and stuff like that. And so before we're sitting down to record this episode, John Pierce goes inside and decides to make a cup of coffee for the episode at your request. Yes, what I requested was coffee. What you delivered was motor oil.

Jon 5:54

Okay, well, there wasn't enough coffee left to do like you two batches in the French press, so I just dumped it in there and put a little extra water.

Devin 6:03

Put a little extra water in my foot. It's like drinking sludge. I'm brinking, I'm drinking black sludge. Do you have caffeine? Huh? Do you have caffeine? I don't I no, I'm really thinking if my if my car was a quart of oil, oh, I can go pour it in there and top it off. With caffeine. But you have you have the caffeine. With this, with this motor oil, you're you're making a trash. You got to stop. Stop it. Listen, it is I I mean as a coffee junkie, you you jacked it up. Just own it and it's not that bad. And we'll just own it, man. It's not that bad. I'm drinking it. Yeah, I'm drinking it because I feel like I got a gun to my head like I have to. You don't have to. All right. Well, anyways, you you messed it up, so I'm gonna need you to do better next time. Sure. All right, sure. And and kids are gonna waste the last bit of coffee. There's nothing I could do with it. What was hilarious, though, is I actually did tell John before recording this that it was my sole angle in this. Listen, I don't want to do this podcast to get rich. I don't think we're ever gonna get rich off of it. It'd be cool if, like, you know, there were sponsors to like help pay the bills for this podcast. But if if a coffee company was like, hey, we'll sponsor you and send you free coffee, bro. Sign me up. Sign the uncommon men up. I'll sign on the daughter bond. I want a coffee, I want a coffee sponsorship. All right. I mean, I'm down with it. So if you're listening and you know anybody, make it happen. Hook a brother up. Let's let's make this happen. I think we can do it, John. Alright. All right. Anyways. Nice to know that uh so friendships. That you suck at make a coffee.

Jon 7:51

Apparently I would go to Okay. You would blow stuff up and wire it all back to your computer. This episode is off to a strange start.

SPEAKER_04 8:01

Let's talk about why we're here.

Jon 8:03

Yeah. So I was thinking about trying to tie what you were talking about to friendships just now, but it's that's gone. That that's friendships. We're just kinda jumping right. Hard stop friendships. Here we go. We're gonna talk about why we need friendships. I think that's kind of it's a little bit obvious, but we're gonna talk a little bit about why and go into that a little bit. Who and how. So why you go ahead and kick us off with that one.

Devin 8:36

So the reason that your friendships are important is because they are what is influencing you. I I would argue this. There's a handful of things that influence us more than anything else. And number one would for me would probably have to be the books we read. I think that typically if you're somebody, and it really depends on what kind of reader you are. And do you read for pleasure? Do you read for growth? Do you read the Bible? Would you like all those type things? So I think that you have to, you have to realize that the things that you're reading are indeed influencing you. I would also argue that if you're spending more time picking up a book or an audiobook or whatever on any topic, more so than you are your Bible, I believe that that would be a heart issue. There needs to be your Bible needs to be

Books, Music, And Media As Influences

Devin 9:36

the most read book. It actually is the most read book in history, and it needs to be the most read book in your life. The second thing I would say would be the music you're listening to. At least listen to it in the car. Yeah. Exactly. It and that ties into the music that you're listening to. Now, look, I'm not saying secular music is bad. All right. I'm not saying that some of it is bad. Sure. But I'm not saying out there. But look, man, like I'm a huge Three Doors Down fan. Okay. I love Three Doors Down. I love uh I don't know. I'm not saying all of it's bad. I'm saying some of it is bad, yes.

Jon 10:14

But some of it has it in the name. R.I.P. Brad Arnold, right?

Devin 10:20

The lead singer of Three Doors Down.

Jon 10:21

Oh, yeah, yeah. Some people have it in the name, you know. The Super Bowl, Super Bowl performance. It's in the name. Yeah, it would be. It's terrible for multiple reasons. Anyway, moving on. If you liked it, sorry, your opinion is different than mine.

Devin 10:37

No, I completely agree. I would have preferred a Super Bowl show in English, but that's the point. I mean anybody else listening. But any anyway, I what I'm saying is like the music and the things that you listen to that you allow to infiltrate your body through the means of your ears, it matters. I I remember I had a youth pastor one time in I think I was I think I was in middle school or high school. I can remember going on the way to I'm gonna show my age here a little bit. But I'm not that old. I can remember, thank you. You still stink at making coffee. But anyway, let that go. No, I'm not going to. You ruined it. Okay. Anyways, so we're on the way up to this this youth conference, and the youth pastor is walking up up this bus that we had. We called it the turtle shell. And he was one of those youth pastors that you only should ever listen to Christian music. Okay. Not entirely. Like, I mean, I got the what he was trying to get at. I think some of the means of which he went about it were maybe a little off, including but not limited to the fact that I'm sitting next to this girl in the youth group that I had this massive crush on at the time, right? And she's listening to NSYNC because NSYN was it then. Okay. It was like NSYNC or nickelback, something like that. And the youth pastor walks up, and this was back whenever, you know, we didn't it wasn't AirPods, it was the she had like the little CD player. Yeah, the little, the little Walkman CD player, you know what I'm saying? And it had the the little over-the-ear things, and the earpieces were like the size of a quarter, but they covered your ears. And but everybody else, if you had it loud enough, everybody else could all hear what you were listening to. Yep. Well, she had it up too high, and he could hear that it was not Christian music. And he grabs this this CD change or the this the CD player out of her hand, opens it up, sees that the album is like in sync or nickelback or something, grabs the album, rips the album out of her CD player, and throws it out the window, going down the interstate. Noah, true story. Oh my god. Throws it out and he turns around. We're not listening to that garbage. And I remember just sitting sitting there going, I think I'm gonna put my nickel back, Sydney. Like I'm not going to that extent, but I am saying that the music nobody should go to that extent. Maybe not. But one you're littering, just saying. Anyway.

SPEAKER_04 13:27

All I'm thinking of is that you know that City probably hit like the car behind us. Probably. And they're just going down. Right.

Devin 13:36

So, but I remember I remember thinking then, like he's got a point though. He went about it the wrong way, sure. But I remember thinking he's got a point because the music and the things that we allow to infiltrate our bodies through the means of our ears does have an influence on us. Right. I would also say, and this is a big one and could be an uh episode in and of itself, would be the social media that you watch.

Jon 14:02

Oh Lord, yeah. For the love of God, do not take advice from TikTok about anything ever. I'll be honest, I don't even have one.

Devin 14:09

I only have one Does the uncommon man even have a TikTok?

Jon 14:13

No, probably should. Can we leave it that way? To be honest, probably should. Oh, that's terrible. You know what?

Devin 14:20

If I was talking about the coffee, not you. Sorry.

Jon 14:24

Between YouTube and all the other podcast platforms, I think we have about, I don't know, 30, 35 people that listen to this regularly. If I get half of you to say, make a TikTok, then I'll do it. Otherwise, not doing it because I don't care. Well, I messed up. I hate TikTok. Either way, not even just TikTok. Like, don't don't take advice from people on social media unless it's someone you actually know in person in real life on a regular basis.

Devin 14:49

We're gonna talk about that here in a little bit, actually, about the people that you should take advice from.

Jon 14:52

I just hate when people are like, you know, I saw on wherever the other day on Twitter you should do this, and you know, they made a really good point. Like Lord. You can make a brownie look like a turd. It's not that hard. Like I'm just saying, people can make anything sound good. I actually I said that backwards, it's vice versa. I guess I guess it'd be you can make a turd look like a brownie if you try hard enough.

Devin 15:22

Anyway, you get the point. Oh Lord. You know, fun story, real quick. Sorry, I promise in in under 30 seconds. Whenever I was a kid, my dad was working downstairs in the garage, and my mother had just finished baking brownies, and she rolled one up to make it look like a turd, and then told me to go downstairs and hand it to my father. And so I did, and I just walked down there with this brownie shaped like a turd, like rolled up like a turd on a on a piece of toilet paper, and I handed it to my dad, and I and I just looked at my dad and I said, Dad, I had an accident.

SPEAKER_04 15:54

My dad turned around and my dad was like, What is wrong with you? And then I ate it, my dad lost his mind.

Devin 16:02

And then I had to show him like it's brownie, but anyways, besides the point. Under 30 seconds, eat them apples, John. I doubt it. So it was it was absolutely hilarious. Anyways, I just saw you looking at your watch, but then the next one would be the people that you spend the time with

Social Media Advice Trap

Devin 16:20

will influence you.

Jon 16:21

Yeah. So you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So if you spend time with people that are doing things they shouldn't be doing, they're not living for the Lord, they're not uh they're they're not the type the right type of influence in your life, then they're not the type of friends you need to have. If you have a if you have a friend that smokes weed and they're a good friend, you're more likely to do it. Far more likely to do it. I don't remember the number, there's a number, but you're far more likely to do it as well. And I'm not gonna I'm not gonna say that you can't be friends with people, but here we're talking a little we're we're more so talking about close friends. Right. Like those those like you have a you have your circle, your inner circle, as to say, those type of friends are the ones that you witness to, but keep at an arm's distance because you don't want those type of influences in your life.

Devin 17:27

So good. The people you spend time with, you're you're an average of the five people you spend. So as you said that, I'm sitting here thinking about who are the people that I spend the most time with and how do they influence and shape me. And obviously, I I spend in the most amount of time of anybody with my wife, as I should.

Jon 17:44

I think we're talking about outside of your marriage, though. Because yeah, your wife is your friend. Oh man, my wife's one of my best friends. But I feel like that's like a whole separate topic.

Devin 17:55

That's yes, but understand this like Britney and I are the definition of we married or we married our best friends. Like we were best friends.

Jon 18:03

I get it, but I feel like we're more so talking here about friendships outside of your marriage.

Devin 18:08

Okay, so then so then you're talking, can we still can we include like family? I mean, if they're like if you're really close and you're close friends, yeah, I guess. So I guess if uh I mean I I'm really close with my oldest brother.

Jon 18:23

I think the five people you spend the most time with things still applies to you.

Devin 18:27

Yeah, okay. And then I mean actually that applies to your wife, but but what if I what if I I mean I spend a lot of time with you.

Jon 18:36

Yeah.

unknown 18:37

I'm forced.

Devin 18:39

Yeah. I mean, I don't like it either, but I am forced to spend a lot of time with you. Yeah. But uh it's a good thing actually that is it Yeah. Because I mean, truthfully, we are two polar opposite people.

Jon 18:51

I'm just messing with you. We are. We really are, but anyways, Devin's like, come here, I'll hold you so you can cry on my shoulder, and I'm like, shut up. Like, get over it. Suck it up, buttercup. Yeah, like stop your crying. No crying in baseball. You're absolutely not the person that I would. Okay, don't get me wrong. I'm not a not caring person, and it's if it's something I do, I'm not ginger. I know, I know, I'm messing. But if it's something that if it's something that I'm like, no, dude, that that sucks. Let's let's talk about it. Hold that hold the phone. You can cry all you want. That sucks. Like, I'm I'm not heartless. No, you're not but I am far more likely to tell you to shut up and move on with life.

Devin 19:38

Yeah, you are very much

You Are The Average Of Five

Devin 19:40

suck it up buttercup and me. I am the I am the type person that I'm like, look, let's want to provide a safe space for people to land to know that they that they can have real life conversations with. That's that's not gonna judge them. Like, that's that is my heart. I've always been that way, and I don't foresee that changing. Yeah, so I agree with you on that. I'm just I have a different approach to things. I think I think too scripture has a lot to say. The scripture has a whole lot to say about friendships. Check this out. Proverbs 1320. Well, no, I've got a few. They're just not in your notes. Okay, then go ahead. Proverbs 1320. It says, Walk with the wise and you will become wise. Talking about the people you spend the most time with. People you spend the most time with, they will absolutely influence you. They will lead you right, wrong, or indifferent, right? Yeah, I mean, there are different things. There are some people there, there are some people who they will say that's a horrible idea. What time?

unknown 20:46

Right?

Devin 20:48

No, we should absolutely not go in. Now, listen, I'm gonna drive and I'm excited about it, but this is a bad idea. This is a bad idea. But anyways, so walk with the wise, become wise. I would say the opposite of that would still be true. Walk with stupid people, become stupid. Become stupid. The Bible would probably say wicked, but you know, well, yeah, it uses better terms. Proverbs 27, 17. Everybody knows this one. Iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Yep. Ecclesiastes four, nine through ten. Uh, two are better than one. If either of them falls down, one can build the other one up. John chapter 15, greater love has no one than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends. Proverbs 17: a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Colossians 3 12, encouraging clothing oneself of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience in relationships. The Bible has a ton to say about the people that we are to spend time with. It has a ton to say about the the direction your life will go will absolutely be impacted.

Jon 21:54

And I think the fact that it has so much to say about it, because it repeats it so many times. It emphasizes how important it is.

Devin 22:02

I've always heard uh one of one of my pastor friends took uh said this to me. He said, When the Bible repeats something, you need to pay attention. Yeah. Because that means that it's trying to communicate something serious. And it's kind of like, you know, do not fear. Okay, that's in there a lot. That's in the Bible a lot. A whole I don't remember the exact number, or I would I would butcher it to death, but I mean, do not fear. Love one another. How many times is that in there? I don't know, a lot.

Jon 22:35

So regardless. It's something we need to pay attention to because it's very, very important.

SPEAKER_01 22:45

Oh, there it is.

Devin 22:46

Yes. Sorry, I didn't mean to jump on you there. You did. 365 times. Do not be afraid. Are you serious? 365? One for every day of the year. Dude, that should be a thing. I mean we could it's the phrase fear not or similar commands appears roughly about a hundred times.

Jon 23:10

But the we should we should start and read read like get a list and read one of them like every day. One of those and one proverb every day. Yeah. And then you just read the book Proverbs, like, well, you don't quite get all the way through it. You get the point.

Devin 23:26

Exactly. So that's why. That's why influence, or I'm sorry, that's why relationships and friendships do matter. Because they are influencing you. Everybody I said this, I think, in episode two of this. Everybody is being led by something. Everybody is. Whatever it is that you're doing, you're being led by something. If if you spend more time on social media than you do with your family or with your kids. Or with God. Or with God. And that's just the tree at that point. You're letting the people on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, Twitter, whatever it is, you're letting them lead you. They're literally called influencers. Yeah, exactly.

Jon 24:14

And you're letting them the crazy cat lady charging her crystals in her front yard influencing your life. Not that anybody listening to this podcast is probably watching that, but you get the point. I didn't even know that was a thing.

Devin 24:27

I assume it is. So that's the who. I'm sorry, that's the why. Let's move into the who. Who is it that we need to be seeking friendships from and friendships with?

Jon 24:40

Friends give godly counsel. We want godly friends. Like I said a few minutes ago, the the people you choose to be in your life are the those five people are going to influence you the most. Those five the five people you spend the most time with. It doesn't necessarily have to be five. The people you spend the most time with, the people in your inner circle, as to say, need to be godly people. Because if they're not, you're going to be influenced to do other things. They they give they give godly counsel. And I I think no matter what what you're dealing with in your life, because they're everybody's oh crap, how's it go? Either coming from something, going into something, or is it the middle of something terrible that seems like the world's falling around them in their life, right? It at some point things are gonna happen. If you don't have godly people already in your life when you know what hits the fan, then you're not gonna get the the advice that you need. You're gonna get wrong advice. You're gonna get people advising you to seek vengeance in some way against someone else that's wrong to you. I think someone that gives godly counsel is not going to do that, but also principally based.

Devin 26:16

They need to have their principles and their morals about them. Like if their priorities and all that are out of lack, probably not somebody that you need to be taking advice from or listening to.

Jon 26:25

Well, they're not going to give godly counsel.

Devin 26:26

That's right. If that's the case. Exactly. Yeah. The Bible says this, it says you'll know them by their fruits. And look at the fruits of their life. If their life is not something that is impactful and meaningful to not just themselves, but to those around them, probably not somebody you need to be listening to.

Jon 26:47

Yeah. So here's the here's an interesting thing. So you'll know them by their fruits. Because you'll know the people

Scripture On Friendship And Influence

Jon 26:55

that use biblical principles. Right? Right. Because of the fruit in their life. There's I there's there's some people out there, I think, that maybe even unknowingly have used biblical principles to get to where they're at in life or achieve certain things, or whatever. No matter what the cause is for it, but they don't necessarily have a relationship with God. How many billionaires do you know that are Christians? I mean, there's a few that are. Okay, few.

unknown 27:35

Yeah.

Jon 27:36

I mean, there's not very many. Okay, right. I I would I would argue that the vast majority it's easy to be.

Devin 27:41

I would hope I would hope Jeff Bezos is is a Christian. I think he says he is. I would argue differently.

Jon 27:46

Okay, we we hope so. Pro probably don't have a great relationship with God. A lot of them don't. Regardless, I'm not judging anybody here, but the point is I think there's some people that have used biblical principles because they understand principles. They've used biblical principles to achieve some levels of success without an actual relationship with God. Now, you know them by their fruit. That fruit isn't necessarily this guy's super successful, and I should listen to his advice. Some of his advice is going to be good because it is rooted in the Bible, whether he knows that or not, that some of his advice is not going to be good.

Devin 28:33

Yeah. Right? Yeah, no, I would completely agree with that. Like, I like, for example, you know, if you're in a relationship and let's say you're you're your marriage is struggling, probably don't want to go to the guy that's been divorced four or five times. Right.

Jon 28:46

But if that same guy owns the most, I don't know, successful tech company in the state, maybe listen to him about business advice. That all of that being said, this isn't necessarily the type of person that you want to be in your inner circle, as we're calling it. Yeah. Right. Because there you know them, yes, you'll you'll know these people by their fruit, but you can't only know them by their fruit. There's other characteristics that you need to look for in someone that's going to give you godly counsel.

Devin 29:24

And and counsel that is principally and biblically based. Here's the next one I would say. They have to earn the right to speak into your life. Exactly. That person, for example, if I don't know you from Adam's house cat, and you try to criticize or give me advice on something or whatever, you're gonna get the rock eyebrow. Exactly. Yeah, it's it's it's not very likely that I'm going to truly listen to you.

Jon 29:53

And and like you just said, the guy that's been divorced five times, probably not going to him for marriage advice. No, no, and he's also not gonna be in your I keep saying inner circle. I feel like that whatever. I don't like it. Rumble though. No, I no, I love that term. I like it. I just feel like it, I don't know. I feel like it's overused. Regardless, moving on, it that that guy's not gonna be in your inner circle.

Devin 30:15

But when we talk about earning the right to speak into somebody's life, I think that comes with the amount of impact that that person does or does not have in your life. Right. For example, if if you, John, who I've spent a lot of time with, who I know a lot about, who I care deeply for, were to tell me you need to fix this, this, or this in your life, I'm going to seriously listen to that because you're somebody who's earned that right in my life to be able to do that, to be able to speak wisdom into me, to be able to speak life into me. Same. And vice versa.

Jon 30:50

And after I think about it, and let's say it's something that I'm like, I don't know that I'd agree with them. I'm gonna have a conversation with you about that because of that relationship that we have. Now, if the guy that you don't know from, how'd you put it? Adam's house catam's house cat. Whatever that is.

Devin 31:08

Again, I'm showing my right my age here.

Jon 31:10

If the guy you don't know from Adam's house cat says something you don't agree with him, you're not you're gonna be like, okay, move on life, forget about it. You're not gonna tell him I don't agree with you, because it's not worth having the conversation. It's just it's not worth your time.

Devin 31:22

It's kind of it's kind of like if you're somebody who who struggles with let's just I I don't know, let's just say an addiction to something, you may not want to take advice from somebody who's never struggled with an addiction. Yeah.

Jon 31:36

You know what I mean? Or has has experience in their life with someone else struggling with something?

Devin 31:47

Have they have they taken the time to get to know you for who you are, for what makes you tick? What makes you you? If they haven't spent that time, I'm it with me, they don't have that right in my book. As somebody they can try, they can say all the things that they want to do, sure. But if you're not somebody who who I would be willing to take criticism from, I'm probably not gonna listen to the advice you have to give. Right. And that's and I think that that's a whole nother separate topic, is who we listen to entirely too much criticism, that the majority of it is straight crap. It's just not true. Somebody tells you something about yourself based on their perspective, if one person says that I've always had this philosophy. If if one person says John Pierce is a jerk, it's probably just that person, right? If everybody that I know that knows you and me, or vice versa, says John Pierce is a jerk, you know what? There might be some truth that John Pierce is indeed a jerk. But I'm still going to go seek and find that information out for myself. Well, John Pierce is a jerk, so I'm just kidding.

Jon 33:03

I mean, I don't think you're a jerk. I'm just kidding. So before we get to how here, I want to insert something here. Oh, let's let's switch, let's let's flip it around a little bit. We've talked, we've talked about sorry, I just coughed up some more motor oil. Go ahead. Are you done? I'm gonna mate Maxwell House next time.

SPEAKER_04 33:23

I don't care what you make as long as you don't make motor oil.

Jon 33:26

Folgers. You're getting folgers.

SPEAKER_04 33:28

I'm a coffee snob.

Jon 33:29

You gotta do better than that. You keep complaining, you're getting folgers.

Devin 33:35

Maybe we'll get a coffee sponsorship by then. Anyways, sorry, go ahead with your aunt. By next week? No, I doubt it. You never know. Anyway. Dang it. Did I make you lose it? Yeah. I'm sorry.

Jon 33:47

We're gonna here we go. We're gonna flip gears, we're gonna flip flip the script here a little bit. We've been talking about the people in our life. Uh-huh. Okay. Some people don't have any great relationships. Okay. If that's the case, and you're, I don't know, let's say in your 30s or something, and you have zero great relationships in your life, it's probably you. 100%. If you don't have any great relationship, I mean great relationships, someone that you can talk to about anything on the planet. You could someone that you can confide in for anything, someone that's going to be there for you, someone that you're going to be there for. I I mean great relationships.

Devin 34:28

Somebody that'll tell you what you want or that what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

Jon 34:32

Yes. The little some tough love, right? If you don't have that, there's a decent chance that it's you. Now, if you're 20 years old, okay, maybe you haven't lived enough life to have that type of relationship yet. Maybe you just haven't found it yet. But it's it if you've if you've lived some life, if you've been around the block a time or two and you don't look at yourself, look in the mirror. Because it's it's not everybody else, I'll tell you that.

Devin 34:59

Yeah, no, exactly. I would honestly venture to say that it it goes back to the number of people that that you like. I'm gonna say this and and I want to be careful about how I say it, but I I remember going to a funeral one time where literally six people were there. I remember thinking to myself, man, no influence, no impact. That guy was probably a jerk. I don't know. I mean, try to tell I don't I don't remember I don't remember why I was at that funeral. I think I was there to support a friend of mine. But then I've been to funerals with 3,000 people there, right? A lot of influence, a lot of a lot of impact. Yeah, a lot of great friendships. I I think there's there's a lot of truth to what you're saying though, John. That if you were looking around your life and go, Man, I don't have anybody like that. What do you need to change? Yeah, what are you bringing to the table? You like what yeah, and how you bring friendships. Are you the victim in every scenario?

Jon 36:04

Are you are you simply receiving and not giving?

Devin 36:09

Because if that's the case,

Who Should Speak Into Your Life

Devin 36:10

then because that's that's really been a big thing for me lately, has been people who who just play the victim all the time.

Jon 36:16

You know, play the victim all the time, have no one in their life completely isolate themselves from people.

Devin 36:21

Yeah, but then wonder why they have crappy relationships. And I'm like, well, you've kind of lived on your island, and then blame everybody else. Yeah. I mean, look, I we're not we're we're just we're simply this is called the uncommon man for a reason because the common truth says that your truth is fine. It says that you're fine, you're perfect, you're just don't worry about them. It's I it's everybody else. And what we're simply trying to say is sometimes we need to take a look at ourselves in the mirror and go, what do I need to be better at? What do I need to fix?

Jon 36:52

Maybe consider the fact that life isn't about you. Because when you make life about you, it's the first step into having a terrible life.

Devin 37:00

And the final who here, you need to have friends who will be willing to sacrifice for you. They are the friends, and I said this a second ago, they are the friends that will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Yeah. And it's important to remember this the truth hurts, but it doesn't harm.

Jon 37:17

Right.

Devin 37:18

Okay.

Jon 37:19

And and if you're the if you happen to be on the the giving side of the truth hurts, but it doesn't harm, choose your words carefully. Because you don't want to you you want to help someone grow, you want to help them change course, as to say. You don't want to hurt them. Because you know, the stick and stones might break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Whatever. No, your words hurt. Yeah, they they do. What you say absolutely matters. How you say it matters, the words you choose matter. Every everything matters. What does the Bible say about that? The tongue has the power. The tongue has the power of life and death. Life and death. I made a reel about that.

Devin 38:00

But you should go watch it. Anyway. The truth hurts, but it doesn't harm. And I'm and I want to sit there for a second. I'm because I'm the type of person, yeah, because we established this the differences between me and you, that you're the suck it up, get uh suck it up, buttercup, get over it, move along, right? And I'm the Camera, let's sit down, let's talk about it.

Jon 38:19

Both of which are a bit of an exaggeration. Sure, sure.

Devin 38:23

But but in the same sense, I am I am the type of person that I am going to tell you what I feel like you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear. If you're coming, if somebody comes to me, and I and I think you need to evaluate this in your life, if if you're going to somebody or somebody's coming to you, and they're just telling you what you want to hear, what's going to make you feel better about it, I would I would venture to say that's probably not somebody you need to that's one re that's one thing.

Jon 38:55

You need to have a relationship with slightly off topic here. That's one thing that one problem I had with therapists for the longest, because it's real easy. If you if you need professional therapy, by all means find it, please. But to begin with, years ago, that was one thing I had against it. So I was like, you're just paying, you're paying this person. They're just gonna tell you what you want to hear now so that you keep paying them. Some.

Devin 39:22

Yeah. Because like I've had the same, and I make no bones about it. I've had the same counselor for for 12 years in my life. And the reason this person has been my counselor for 12 plus years in my life is because they don't do that. They do not tell me what I they tell me what I don't want to hear. Sometimes to the point it ticks me off. Oh, it's good. Exactly. And it should, yeah. It should make you mad if you look at it and you go, you know what, I did jack that up. Yeah, that's on me. Let me make that right. Those are the people, the people who will sacrifice for you, who will say, who will pick up the phone at 2 a.m. Who will pick up the phone when they're busy as heck, but they see your name come across their screen, and dad gummit, they're picking that phone call up. Right? For me, I did that today, but called you. You're talking about earlier today, whenever I was uh whenever I had a 65-pound microwave up under me or over me that I was trying to hold up.

Jon 40:26

Oh, that one I did not, in fact, have a second, but I called you anyway.

Devin 40:29

Exactly. Because because it was literally me one, I I felt like I had a word from the Lord that I needed to speak to you about. You did. I appreciate it. And I wanted to call and speak that life into you. Yep. And I think you listened to it because I think, like you said earlier, I've garnered that respect in your life. And I and I'm honored by that, but in the same sense, it did not come easy. Number one, for you to get to that level in my life, it did not did not become easy. I I would I would venture to say. I'm gonna check that. Keep talking. I I would venture to say that it became something that we had to develop over time.

Jon 41:12

We're gonna keep rolling. I'm gonna fix this. Keep talking listening.

Devin 41:17

And then I would I would say that as I began to speak that truth and that life into you, I think that I think that it was really something for us that we had to we had to figure out what the boundaries were and and where the boundaries were gonna be. That you were you were somebody who was open to listening to that criticism, that was open to hearing those things, good and bad. So, and then the final piece of this is to learning the how. So, how do we get there? How do we find those people in our lives? And I I think you need to determine the first thing, you need to determine the level of a friend that they're going to be. When you determine that level of that friendship, you have to break it down really from a few different ways. And John put a great table chart in here for this from a book that he read. There we go. John's having technical issues.

Jon 42:28

We're not re-recording this today, so we're just we're going with it. There we go. Hey, you know, and we're back. So, yeah, this is from the book called The Man Code. Shout out to Trevor for telling me about this because I didn't know it existed. Tell me about it a while back. We're gonna talk more about this on a future episode, maybe next week. Don't know yet. But we're gonna briefly mention part of it here. So, the man code relationship priorities. And there's five different ones here. I'm gonna start on the third one and go back to the go back to the top. The other two aren't super applicable in this very moment. But we're gonna dive further into this. If you want to go Google that, it's a great book, it's a great read. Anyway, number, so we should have 12, give or take. Jesus had 12 disciples. It's it's it's representative number. It's not you need 12 casual, typical, typically like work people. Not necessarily your inner circle. No, I would agree with that.

Devin 43:34

Like, like if you're if your circles were like a dartboard, maybe it's so so the casual people, the outer ring, so to speak, yeah, would be typically like you said, your work people. It can be, I would say there are casual friendships from church that you can have. People that you see on a weekly, semi weekly basis uh or basis. And I mean, if they're semi weekly, then you know, get them to become weekly, but I think.

Jon 44:00

And I think mentors mentee and or mentees. It's more of a mentor-mentee relationship. It can fall into this as well. Or it could be it could be it could be people at work too. Because it could be people at work.

Devin 44:13

Yes, but it's also about discipleship. So having the mentors to learn and the mentees, the people in your life that to invest in.

Jon 44:19

So here here, example, where I work in my office, there are exactly two people in that office that I would consider inside of this 12. Two. The other ones probably probably more like the which I'm not really talking about, probably more in the the 3,000 category there. But there are two. One of them we talk about God and the Bible and all types of things on a very regular basis. We share an office or crying out loud. Yeah. So I I th I think that could that doesn't necessarily have to be mentors, and it doesn't necessarily have to be, it could be anybody you want it to be, really. But it's just people that aren't in your inner circle, which your inner circle that's the next

Tough Love And Truth That Heals

Jon 45:08

ring the people closer with you. And where three comes from, Jesus when he went to the garden to pray. So Jesus has 12 disciples when he went to the garden to pray. Three of them went deeper with him.

Devin 45:21

He from the 12, he chose three. Those are the people that he invested the most into, the people that he had the greatest relationships.

Jon 45:33

Again, representative number.

Devin 45:35

Yes. And it's it's for deep supportive friendships where men can be vulnerable and find mutual encouragement. Similar to probably one of my favorite movies being Band Brothers.

Jon 45:48

Mm-hmm.

Devin 45:49

It's not really a movie, but yeah. Banded Brothers is a movie. It's like a series movie sort of thing. It's a great stinking movie.

Jon 45:56

Okay.

Devin 45:57

Anyways, talk about the movies that influence us. That was that was actually one that like that one really helped me to decide in some areas of different ways for me to be able to, you know, find the people that I'm those are the people that I'm going to war with. Like those are the people that that you pick to do life with. And then and then the next one, what what honestly, these these are your these are also with from within your inner circle, typically you have one or two people that are like this. These are your grab-a-shuffle people. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, they're they're the people if you have a daughter, you know what we're talking about. Exactly. Me, like I'll go ahead and say this. There's uh me and I think three of the guys that we've all been friends since high school. We all four, there's four of us total, including myself, we all four have daughters. And one night we were sitting around a fire and we were just like, you know, like at some point, like something's gonna go down. And one of us is probably going to jail, and we're gonna need to grab a shovel. Like, there's some people that you need to have in your life, though, that these are your grab a shovel people. These are the people, hey, look, I can't tell you what we're doing. I you can never ask me about it again, but we're gonna go do some stuff, grab a shovel. And their only response is whose car are we taking?

Jon 47:18

Yeah. Vengeance is god's, but lay a finger on my daughter and see what happens. It's over. Like your your toast. Exactly. Exactly. I will go, I will literally toast. Wood chipper on the internet. I'm not going to say that. That won't exist. So I'm not saying that right now.

Devin 47:40

No, but we can say that a wood chipper might be involved. But anyways, besides the point. And then if so, these are the people though from your inner circle. They're the ones that you can call at 2 a.m. They're the ones that you can grab a shovel and they're gonna be there. They're gonna help you out, and no matter what it is. They're the people that if you say, Hey, I'm moving and I need your help, typically as much as because nobody likes to help somebody else move, right? Nobody, I don't care who it is, nobody wakes up on a Saturday morning and goes, you know what? I can't wait to help John Pierce move out of his house today. I can't stink and wake. Nobody does that. All right. But guess what? It's more annoying when you're the guy with the truck. Yes, and tell me about it. But however, I would be there to help you because you've garnered that level of respect in my life. Begrudgingly. Oh, I would be there begrudgingly, and I and I would I I would I would gripe about it so much. Yeah, I mean, I can easily be bought. That's that's the thing.

Jon 48:43

So but everybody has a price, and yours is really low.

Devin 48:48

Yeah, you're right, which is why Folger's coffee is not gonna cut the cut it next week. Stop complaining. It's just gonna get worse.

Jon 48:58

The most important yeah, what is the most important friend? Now I'm gonna call this a relationship instead of a friendship, which yeah, I know you are going to expound on here in a moment. God. And there's obviously only one God. This is a foundational relationship in upside-down pyramid sort of way. Like it's it it it is the most important relationship that you'll have in your life for obvious reasons. Now, why am I calling this a friendship instead of sorry, a relationship instead of a friendship?

Devin 49:39

Devin. Because God did not send his one and only son on this earth to live a perfect sinless life to be beaten to death, bloodied beyond all recognition, murdered on a cross with nails driven through his hands to become your best freaking friend. Fact. I have a there's an older like 90s worship song, like I am a friend of God, and I'm like, every time I hear this, so I want to grab my fireworks because it's because it irritates the fool out of me. God did not create everything that we are and everything that happens in this world to be your best friend.

Jon 50:19

Right now, I think there's some there's some truth to it. Now, the people that are that are I heard I heard a woman say this not too long ago. She's single, divorced, single, and she she said, I'm not, I'm dating Jesus. Like me, me and Jesus got it going on, and I was like, Okay, no, it was bizarre, it was the weirdest thing I've ever heard, and made me feel really uncomfortable. Anyway, yeah, she it was more of like yeah, yeah, that's what I said. I I was like, all right, I'm gonna go back. I'm gonna go back. I was like, I'm gonna go back over here. But I think there's some there's some truth to it. Jesus is a friend to us, right? Sure.

Devin 51:05

But it's but that's not the sole premise of the relationship.

Jon 51:08

No, it's like that's not even the foundation of the relationship. Here's a here remember a couple few episodes ago, I don't remember when it was. Is God more love or more law? Well, he's both. He's not one or the other. He's God, he's either omnipotent or he's not, right? Okay, so in this case, is God more father or is he more friend? Like for us to our kids. Are we a friend? Are we our kids' best friend? Or are we there to make sure that they're self-sufficient human beings one day that actually contribute to society and do something besides sit in their basement and play video games? Their mom's basement and play video games, right? We're a father to them, not a best friend. You're a parent to them now so that you can have that kind of relationship with them when they're older.

Devin 52:00

That's exactly right.

Jon 52:01

Because if you do beside the point, no dude, you're good. Is God more father or more friend? He's both. Okay, well, he's both, but to your point, it's he's not it's not he's not just your

Levels Of Friendship From The Man Code

Jon 52:20

best friend. Yes, right? It's not that's not the case.

Devin 52:24

It's just not. And if God is only your friend, I would venture to say your relationship with him is skewed.

Jon 52:29

Because what God wants from us is for us to change, he wants to change us. What's the word? Oh gosh, I'm blanking. I'm blanking. When Mary said, I haven't even known a woman. Oh, sorry, wow, known a man. What was the Greek word there? I have no idea. It's oh my gosh, I just drew a blank. I know this.

Devin 52:49

Why don't you look it up? We have technology. Yeah, hold on. But God being your foundational, while he's doing that, I'm just gonna read this next part. God needs to be your foundational relationship. I would argue that a man's relationship with God is the most critical, that all relationships in your life, all friendships in your life, need to be built upon this primary connection. If your relationship with the Lord is not the basis for which you're building every single relationship and friendship in your life, I argue your pyramid is going to crumble. Genasco. There you go. Perfect. Okay.

Jon 53:30

The same word used and where Mary said that was the same word that's used when when the Bible says many will come and say, I did these things in your name, and I'll say, I never knew you. It's the same word. And what it's what we interpret that as, like when Mary was saying it, was I'm a virgin. But what she's saying is, I've never been, I've never allowed myself to be changed. Right? God wants to change us. He wants us, he wants a relationship with us, he wants us to learn and grow in that relationship.

Devin 54:09

That's exactly right.

Jon 54:11

So to kind of uh if God's just your best friend, then you're not you're not learning and you're not growing.

Devin 54:18

That's exactly right. So put a bow on the whole thing. Pay attention to the friendships and the basis of the friendships that you have in your life. If God is not the center of it, odds are it's not gonna work. I think that if if we're not going to base every single relationship in our life off the Lord, it's it's a useless relationship. Be careful and evaluate about who you choose and who you allow to speak life into you, who you allow to give godly counsel, be careful about the people that you spend the time with. Like John said in the beginning, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. The social media you watch, the music you listen to, the books you read are all going to influence you. And our prayer and our hope for this episode is that you walk away going and evaluating for yourself what types of friendships do you want and value in your life as you begin to shape the different areas of your life that you choose to be better in, having those people that are willing to speak life into you, that are willing to pour into you, is going to be paramount for making the changes that you need. Yep. Let's pray. Father, we love you. God, thank you so much. Thank you for your relationship. How much you love and you care about your children, how much you love and you care about the people around you, or the people that you created. God, my prayer for every person under the sound of my voice listening to this. God, that you would begin to show them and cultivate for them relationships that they can have that are going to be life-giving, that are going to be life-changing. God, the power of relationships. Your word tells us it's not good for us to be alone. And I pray, Lord, that you would help those that are struggling to find those deep connections, to find those. God, would you walk with them and show them the people, bring them the people into their lives, God, and allow them to evaluate where maybe they need to correct some things in their life. God, I pray right now that we would begin to use the people in our life to encourage and to be heard to be able to speak life into other people. God, I thank you ultimately for the relationships that we have with you, the love that you have for us and that you sent your son to die on a cross for us to be in communion and relationship with you. God, we give you all of the honor and the glory in Jesus' name. Amen.

Jon 57:04

Thanks for listening. Remember to like, share, and subscribe. If you know someone who would enjoy this, please pass it along. You can follow us on Instagram at uncommon.man or reach out at theuncommonman.com. Keep pursuing excellence, and above all, pursuing price.