Joe Freestylin wit Izzy stoppin in

Thank You Thank You Thank You!!  Good Times!!  This one is a freestyle dive into current events and old stories. Have Fun!

     Joe and Izzy chop it up and tackle all the tough issues with comedy. Live Show tix joespaincomedy.com 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:59

Welcome to another OGYM podcast. I'm your boy Joe Spain. I'm the only one here.

SPEAKER_02 1:07

It's okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:09

I'm going to try to call my little friend here directly. We're going to get him on the line.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

Get him on the line.

SPEAKER_04 1:16

I miss my Izzy. Where have you gone? If you hey, I just want to look out. So this is going to be one of them podcasts that started at 420. And it's going to be a lot of me. You know what I'm saying? We're going to try to relax, have a good time, laugh with me for about an hour. We'll talk about some things. Maybe learn some things. Maybe I unlearn some things. Maybe you'd be smarter, maybe you'd be dumber. But if you ain't down for that kind of ride, this might not be the podcast for you. Maybe come back later. Maybe go talk to Mary. Say, Mary. Come on back.

SPEAKER_02 2:04

That's right.

SPEAKER_04 2:08

Oh man, it's been a minute. I missed a week. I'm really sorry. I want to thank everybody for listening, man. I people come up to me and say stuff that I've said on the podcast, and it's weird, man. It's like I don't uh I smoked some marijuana once, and it made me not remember so good. And I hit my head real hard once, and that made me not, well, a bunch of times, but one time for real, for real, had a seizure and peeped my pants, ended up in Looney Man and the whole nine yards, and I lost a little bit of memory. I'm not making excuses. I'm just saying. I say a lot of shit. And the worst part is I say a lot of shit that I don't even believe. Because I'm trying to make people laugh. All I ever wanted to do was make people laugh. That's how I've dealt with all the stress of my life, my whole goddamn life. I just didn't know you could do it for a living, really. It seems so unattainable. But 10 years in, it seems more less attainable. Or less more attained. You know what I'm saying? It's a grind, baby.

SPEAKER_02 3:26

But it's good. It's that good grind.

SPEAKER_04 3:29

That good grind. Kick them back.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

Oh, you know that. Jimmy Carter for president.

SPEAKER_04 3:36

Supposedly, Jimmy Carter was the last nice guy president. We all think about that. You think that's real? Like the last president that was actually like a normal person. Like, you know, you could talk to him. I know he used to come down by where I used to work and go duck hunting. Don't tell nobody I told you all this, but I seen it with my own eyes. They would fly these fucking planes, these big like cargo planes, over the marsh in this specific area, and the bay doors would open, and thousands of pounds of corn would get spread over the certain area of marsh. Which, if you do that shit, you're in fucking trouble. You're in trouble. You be out there duck hunting, and the man walk up on you, and it's fishing wildlife, is the worst one because that's the Fed federalys of the of the animal game. Fed rallies come up there on you because ducks are migratory, so that makes it a federal fence.

SPEAKER_02 4:49

They already crossed state lines.

SPEAKER_04 4:53

You ain't got to do it with them. Anyway, so they're serious about them rules. They come up and they make check your how many uh how many shells you got in your shotgun. You're only allowed to have three in the state of Maryland. It might, it's different other places. I know it's different other places. Um down where they shoot doves by the thousands down in like Central America and shit. You can put as many fucking rounds in that bitch as you want.

SPEAKER_02 5:22

Good shot, homeboy.

SPEAKER_04 5:24

They say parrots are good eating too. I don't know if I I mean, don't let me say. I would eat a goddamn parrot. I try it once. I eat your leg if I get hungry enough. I think if I was gonna have to eat something off of somebody's body and still had to like coexist with them, like if I was like, look, man, we're getting ready to starve. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna eat a piece of you. Why meat? Why has it gotta be meat? Motherfucker, because you ain't eating a piece of me because you can't make me. So here's how it's gonna go. I ain't touched a booty hole all this time. This is the only sacrifice I'm asking you to make from the knee down. Give me a piece of that calf meat.

SPEAKER_02 6:13

Give me a piece of that calf meat. I'll chew, I'll chew on your shin for a month. Put a little smoke, let it smoke over the open flame, and I'll chew on it like a dog toy.

SPEAKER_04 6:26

Like a month. And then you're sitting there with half a leg. Talking about you don't need the next one. You might why you need half a leg? Things come in holes. So let me get half the other one. Two halves equal whole. Let me get another piece of that calf meat. And then you gotta take the buttocks, because that's a big muscle. Especially once you let them walk around with no legs for a while. When they're just walking on nubs, it'll build up that rump meat. And that rump meat'll get built up, and all that protein, and you clop that motherfucker off. What? Anyway, so if the Federalis come up on you, they'll take the this thing they call the drag and they throw it out in the water and they pull it in. I don't know, it's three or four feet wide, sinks to the bottom, and it like gets all the stuff.

SPEAKER_02 7:23

Oh the stuff.

SPEAKER_04 7:24

If they see one grain of corn in that motherfucker, they're taking your guns, they're taking your truck, you're going to jail. But old Jimmy Carter, get your airplane full of corn. Woo! Yeah, Jimmy Carter. Anyway, supposedly he was the last nice president. I don't even know where in the fuck that rant came from. I was just thinking about Jimmy Carter on 420. It's August 11th. I'm recording this bitch in the afternoon. In the evening, in the evening. Getting ready to go to Frederick. Do a set with my boy Ryan. Niser, Nesser, Nasser. Everybody says it different except him. He says it right every time. Oh man, it's been one of them weeks.

SPEAKER_02 8:25

Just be trying to make people laugh and they won't fight you. They won't fight you.

SPEAKER_04 8:28

Why do you want to fight me? Just laugh. I had to yell at this guy today, man. I said, I walked up to him. We were in Lowe's. I'll go ahead and say right where I was. I was in Lowe's. I walked up to the guy and I said, Hey Leroy. It wasn't his name. But somebody else told me that's how I to that's who I had to talk to. Go talk to Leroy.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

I said, All right, all right. Hey Leroy.

SPEAKER_04 8:55

He said, Yes, sir. I said, hey man, there's a box of tile over there. That's and before I even got the words out of my mouth, he started shaking his head now and said, nope, nope, no, no. I said, whoa, you don't even know what I'm gonna say. You didn't even let me finish. I already know what you're gonna say. See, this is the problem that I see a lot that gets people fucked up because they think they know what you're thinking. People do it so bad, man. They project their own feelings onto you. And this is just a meaningless, dumb little example. But in reality, man, like I've had a couple people mad at me lately recently that I don't even know why in the fuck they were mad at me the beginning, because I just don't see whatever thing the same way they see it, and they can't understand how it could be seen any differently. Did that make sense? So you just gotta you gotta fucking open your focus, man, and try to think about shit as if you were that person. That's what I try to do. I apologize sometimes when it ain't about being right or wrong, because usually it's a mixture. You're right and you're wrong, or you're wrong and you're right. Some mixture of the two.

SPEAKER_02 10:30

Usually when I'm wrong, I try to make people laugh.

SPEAKER_04 10:35

Dissolve stress. It don't work though, sometimes, man. Some people you crack a joke when they're stressed, and good God, it just makes it worse. Makes it worse. I don't get it, man. You can't walk around miserable your whole life. Let's hear it. Let's hear what Alabama Shakespeare got going on. I'm going down as we're as we're doing this podcast. We're gonna talk about a lot of things, and I'm gonna let you know what's hot. What's the kids saying is hot, all right?

SPEAKER_01 11:03

Sway till you open up your hands.

SPEAKER_04 11:05

Oh, this so far. It's that shake music.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

No, ooh, it's that shake music. That boy can sing. Go a blow. That boy can sing.

SPEAKER_06 11:22

Don't get too percent.

SPEAKER_04 11:25

That's Alabama Shakespeare. On live with 65. Alright, good for Alabama Shakespeare. That was actually pretty good, I have to say. It's good to hear music that uh don't sound like no one. Somebody was letting me hear a whole bunch of the AI music the other day. It ain't like that. Now why? Somebody be like, that bitch is AI. No, but you can tell still, I think. It's real hard to tell. With like uh some of that techno type shit. This motherfucker, how the fuck is he even calling me? Somebody is calling me while I'm on the podcast.

SPEAKER_06 12:20

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 12:25

I'll call you back, buddy. Man, unbelievable. Fucking going up to see old Ryan the nine and Frederick Merlin. I get to see some good people I ain't sinked in a while. That's why I like going to spots like when you don't go somewhere in a while and you go back, and there's a whole nother crew of young'uns and four or five or three or two or you know, depending how long you stay in the game. Stay in the game. Oh, that totally didn't match my mood.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

Um, yeah, so how long you stay in the game.

SPEAKER_04 13:07

Cause um, you know, it's less and less people, but when it f when it funnels down and it gets to like, you know, the ten people that have have gone through that and have seen people come and go and come, you know, and it just funnels down, it funnels down, it funnels down. Of those ten people, if you know, four or five of them get together and you know they get along. Because of course, four or five of them, it's gonna be a separate clicks. There's gonna be a couple from each click, which I don't even get.

SPEAKER_02 13:45

We don't even get that. I tell jokes for anybody.

SPEAKER_04 13:50

Actually, that's not true.

SPEAKER_02 13:51

Some people get butt hurt, but it ain't my fault.

unknown 13:55

Boom.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

It ain't my fault.

unknown 13:58

Boom.

SPEAKER_02 13:59

A joke is a joke.

SPEAKER_04 14:01

If you don't know what a joke is, if you don't know when I'm playing, you probably have bad parents. That shit has got me in trouble, though, man. When I was in the can, I took this, uh, it was Halloween. And this is like a joke that I used to do, but it's real, this is really how it really went in real life. So it was Halloween. They don't let you celebrate Halloween. I mean, they don't do nothing. You don't get no bag lunch, you don't get no extra yard time, no Easter egg hunt, no spaghetti, nothing.

SPEAKER_02 14:48

Nothing. Halloween. It's nothing.

SPEAKER_04 14:53

You don't paint your face. I wanted to go trick-or-treating from cell block to cell block, but they didn't think that was a good idea. I wanted to watch scary movies and hold hands, but nobody wanted to partake in that. I wanted to drink diet sodas and throw candies about. Nobody wanted anything to do with Halloween. So I decided I was going to celebrate with the guards. I had a job in the kitchen, so I had to get carted back and forth. Well, I got hold of an hour later. An hour later, and I stuffed them in the finger like of a glove, like a rubber glove, and I tied it off and cut it up and made it look like suspicious, like it was contraband, like it was a little sack of hero, heroin, and I put it in my butt. And I went to work. God's honest truth. I forgot it was in there. I was working, man.

SPEAKER_02 16:01

I was focused on getting them dishes done so I could get a piece of bacon. Cause if I do mass all right on Thursday night, I get a slice of bacon.

SPEAKER_04 16:13

Might even get a half an English muffin to put it on.

SPEAKER_02 16:17

Shit. Some tomato paste with salt ketchup stuff. Give it to me.

SPEAKER_04 16:25

So I'll be working. So before you go back to the tier, they take you in this room and you drop your you got like coveralls on. You drop your coveralls and then you got boxer shorts. But well, some people go raw dog. If it was real hot, I would go raw dog. But most people didn't because when I did it, everybody laughed. So I don't think it was normal. So I would have boxer shorts on. Most time a t-shirt too, because them things would be rough. They rub your nipples. Them burlap, whatever the fuck it is. It ain't burlap, but you know what I'm saying. It's like uh that dickies material.

SPEAKER_02 17:07

That shit rubs your nipples. Yeah, put band-aids on your nipples.

SPEAKER_04 17:13

Anyway, so you drop them down, they make you take your shoes off, they make you take your socks off, and then you drop your take your coveralls off, and they take your coveralls from you, they take your shoes from you, take your socks from you, and they go through them while you're standing there in your box of shorts, and then they say, Okay, go ahead. So you turn around. Most people, some people do it frontways, and then turn around and do it back ways. But I always made them tell me to do it frontways. I'm not doing it frontways unless you tell me to. So as soon as they say go ahead, I would turn my back, pull my pants down, you pull your boxer shorts all the way down, and the only boxer shorts you got is them white ones, it's like paper. So you ain't hiding nothing in them. You know what I'm saying? You can see through the motherfuckers anyway. As soon as you pull down your goddamn coveralls, they can see you ain't got nothing on ya. Except then they make you squat and cough. Right before I pulled down my goddamn underwear and squatted to cough because I kind of did it all in one motion because I've done it so many times. And then back up. I remembered that I had that fucking thing in there, and it wasn't the guard that I thought it was gonna be. There was this big bodacious, let's just say he was plump gentleman who normally took me back and forth. White dude, uh, goofy motherfucker. Like, I could see him shooting me, but he wouldn't have beat me. You know what I'm saying? He would have shot me because he was scared or because he was doofy, but he wasn't a hateful, like, I'm gonna beat you to death kind of guy, you know what I'm saying? But he was a fucking bootlicker, so it was hard to tell what he was gonna do sometimes, but most of the time you could guilt him into not doing something, just man, you know, fucking rat, you know, rah-rah rah. You know, he wanted to be cool. So I was gonna get him with this fake contraband just to fuck with him. Happy Halloween, motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Something. And it was this other guy who I really liked. Black dude. Used to tell me about his family. We had uh we had played basketball. Like once he saw that I could play ball, because they used to watch us behind this one-way glass. Once he saw I could play basketball and we were about the same age, we started talking. He, you know, he played with this person, and I knew them. And you know, long story short, I probably played with that motherfucker somewhere before. Nice guy, real nice guy. So right before I bent over, I was like, yo, I just gotta tell you something. I got something in my ass. He said, Spain. Like he was disappointed. Spain. I said, yo, it's an hour later.

SPEAKER_06 20:11

And he said, What why the fuck you put an hour later in your ass?

SPEAKER_04 20:27

You allowed to have Now Later Spain? I said, nah, man, I ain't steal it or nothing weird. I was gonna get, I'm not gonna say his name, uh Beaufart. I was gonna get Beaufart and see if he flipped out and blah blah blah. He was like, oh my god, man, it's in your ass right now. And I was like, yes, it's in my asshole right now. And I honestly forgot it was there. He said, All right, so I'm gonna leave the room and I want you to put it in the trash can. But bust it open. I was like, man, I gotta touch it. He was like, bust it open, put it in the trash can. So I put it in the trash can. I cracked the knot off the end of it. I washed my hands, I left it in the trash can. And he was still standing in the doorway, and he saw that it was an hour later. He was like, My God, dude, put that in that toilet. You know how much fucking paperwork I would have to do for that, for that stupid fucking joke. You know how much fucking paperwork I would have to do for that shit? And I was like, man, I thought it was gonna be funny. In my mind, everyone laughed. Everyone said, Ah, he's a silly guy. Nope. They don't have much of sense of humor in the can. Let's see what we got. See this is one of the things this is almost saying oh because this guy's name East G but it might not be E S E S T is what it says. So maybe it's E S T Gas. Sometimes I play sauce. I played soft the other night.

SPEAKER_02 22:35

I made spaghetti, I'll tell you.

SPEAKER_04 22:39

Yeah, man. Um I don't know how that one said. E S-T-G. The track is called Sometimes, sometimes I sound old when I talk. I had my little buddy here who would. This this band's called. Alright, how do you think you guys say this? It's A-S-H-E. Is it a Shay? Or is it just Ash with an extra letter on an M for no goddamn reason?

SPEAKER_02 23:11

Shit! Shit! Who put that shit? On my radio.

SPEAKER_04 23:17

Just kidding. Makes me think that I'm in the what's that show called? Where the dragons and the League of Legends? No, that's the game. The Tri-Towers? Yeah, one of those. Like uh in Ireland or over by New Zealand. One of those places where they film those tall giant people movies with the little brownies. Mad Might again. So I had a good idea. I just want to put this out there. I'll put it in the show notes too. Um 202-234-3121. Again, I'll say 202-234-3121. I just want to put that number out there because evidently that's the number to call your congressman. They're gonna wonder where you're from. Call 'em. Call them up. See what they got to say for themselves.

SPEAKER_02 24:30

What do you got to say for yourself?

SPEAKER_04 24:33

Leave a message. Tell them Joe Spain says hi. Hi. OGYM Podcast. Come on here and defend yourself. I'm just kidding. Um everybody gotta be calling us for something, just nobody knows the number. You know what I'm saying? Everybody always says, I'm gonna call my congressman. You can't find that number nowhere. Actually, you probably can't. Where uh internet ain't no phone books no more.

SPEAKER_02 24:57

The mob started using phone books and seeing how many letters you can get through with a little pistol.

SPEAKER_01 25:08

I can't remember what movie that was in.

SPEAKER_04 25:12

Yeah. My friends used to say I was retarded. And now I'm like I don't know. Like you used to be able to say it. And now I I like when they say it. It's endearing. Let's me know there are people of the time. The time before touchy. Oh yeah. The time isn't it weird that the time of people being touchy is the actual time of touchy. That is fucking weird.

SPEAKER_02 25:44

I just thought of that, man. I'm on a trip.

SPEAKER_04 25:49

The time of being touchy. About things offending. That doesn't go with my mood. Oh man, that's called Stop the Wedding, too. I think you just stopped it, you dumb bitch.

SPEAKER_02 26:05

Um was I talking about?

SPEAKER_04 26:18

The time. When they were touching touching, when they were touching touching. While they were touching it told me that it goes together. Follow the money. That's what they say. Follow the money. Alright, let's learn some stuff this week. I've taken enough of enough time on meaningless rants in different directions. I did tell a story. The story was real, so I accomplished something. We did something with our time, besides be silly. I hope everybody's relaxed. Smoking a big tube, having a beer, a whiskey, a cigar, whatever is. Float your boat. We're going to mind stream with your boy. Of course, the first thing in the news, we're gonna go ahead and do the news. Oh, let's try to call Izzy. Let's see, let's see if Izzy answers the phone. I'm gonna try to call him on FaceTime. Maybe I can hold a call. Let's see if I can do this. My man Isaiah. FaceTime. FaceTime me. FaceTime me.

SPEAKER_05 27:55

I can't leave a message because the person you called has a voicemail box that hasn't been set up yet.

SPEAKER_04 28:00

Oh man. Goodbye. I don't like that. I don't like that at all. Isaiah, maybe they'll call me back. Anyway, all right. So man, these people, every of course, the first thing that comes up on air is iron. Listen, man. Shouldn't ever done that. Except oh let's see what Isaiah thinks. Hey buddy.

SPEAKER_07 28:33

What's going on, Joe?

SPEAKER_04 28:35

Hey. Are you at home?

SPEAKER_07 28:40

Yeah, I'm on.

SPEAKER_04 28:41

Alright, I'm gonna FaceTime you because the uh the what's the name is better.

SPEAKER_07 28:46

Hi What's good, man?

SPEAKER_04 28:50

I'm doing a podcast, man. I would talk to you in a minute.

SPEAKER_05 28:54

Man, what's up? Yeah, you sound kind of muffled, but I can't hear you.

SPEAKER_04 28:58

Yeah, that's what's up. I don't wanna be too loud on on the recording, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_05 29:03

Oh, I got you. How's the festival going, man? It's the week of the festival, ain't it?

SPEAKER_04 29:07

Nah. It's September 4th. Third, fourth.

SPEAKER_05 29:11

Oh shit, nigga. I thought it was this week. This month. I'm tripping.

SPEAKER_04 29:15

Last week was the one in Del Mar.

SPEAKER_05 29:19

Ah, yeah, the Del Mar one. I heard that one was gonna hurt Jack. Lost by three points, man.

SPEAKER_04 29:24

Oh man, that was fun. It was a fun show. It was weird because we got out and it was lunchtime, but it was fun.

SPEAKER_05 29:30

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_04 29:32

Oh man, I caught you rolling blunt.

SPEAKER_05 29:35

Yeah, man. Fucking got back to smoking a little bit. Wasn't smoking for a while, but fucking circuit back into it.

SPEAKER_04 29:43

Well, how long was a while?

SPEAKER_05 29:47

Shh, like fucking. Not a month. A month is crazy. I'd say like three weeks. I was just not smoking weed. Trying to be an adult, man. You know what I mean? Deal with life's fucking pressures at home.

SPEAKER_04 30:01

So did uh did your dreams get crazy when you weren't smoking?

SPEAKER_05 30:07

Uh yeah, they did. Uh dreamed about people I didn't necessarily want to, so that stinks, and then I try to stay up.

SPEAKER_04 30:15

Like Freddie Craig.

SPEAKER_05 30:19

Yeah, man. So now I don't want to go back to sleep. So it's like, nah, my dream, uh, I haven't dreamed in like years, so fucking now to having dreams again it is kind of crazy.

SPEAKER_04 30:29

I think I still dream.

SPEAKER_05 30:32

See, but you like whatchamacallit, you've been smoking forever, so you know what I'm saying. You you probably stopped dreaming if you stopped smoking.

SPEAKER_04 30:39

Yeah, I don't know. I don't I haven't stopped smoking in a long time.

SPEAKER_05 30:43

My dad just stopped because fucking uh well, he cut back, you know, he's Ross Safarian, but he cut back because uh fucking he was having stomach problems and shit, so he just stopped smoking weed because he felt better, so never heard of that.

SPEAKER_04 30:58

Usually it's the other way, you know, people smoke because their stomach's fucked up.

SPEAKER_05 31:01

That's what I'd be telling people, people be telling me all types of shit. I'm like, ew, if you smoke, it might clear that shit up.

SPEAKER_04 31:06

People's been like, I have AIDS, like nah, won't help that, but you gotta put it in your butt for that.

SPEAKER_05 31:15

Gotta boof the weed.

SPEAKER_04 31:16

Boof the weed.

SPEAKER_05 31:17

Y'all went to a club last night, man.

SPEAKER_04 31:19

Oh, no shit. How'd it go?

SPEAKER_05 31:22

That was alright. Fucking uh devil's hosting, so it was pretty well like ran, you know what I mean? Like uh person who knows how to host was hosting. Uh one a lot of people though. It rained shitty on the Eastern Shore, man.

SPEAKER_04 31:35

Yeah, I was supposed to go to uh the Canton, do a spot in Canton.

SPEAKER_05 31:41

Canton Laughs.

SPEAKER_04 31:42

Yes, at the Canton Laughs joint, but the fucking um lightning hit electric shit was everywhere. It was crazy, no power.

SPEAKER_05 31:52

Yeah, we used to have power over here. I don't know about it at Seaford, but by the time I got home, everything was back on or still on.

SPEAKER_04 32:00

Yeah, I saw some crazy ass tornadas all across the country.

SPEAKER_05 32:05

I like standing in that shit. I like standing in the lightning. No, not tornadoes, man. My chum said uh today, he was like, Man, you'll be like that dude who got hit by a tornado and his pants were down and he was dead. That's a horrible way to go out.

unknown 32:27

Huh?

SPEAKER_04 32:28

I said, You've been going on dates, man. We ain't got no dating updates in a while.

SPEAKER_05 32:33

Nah, man, I was just uh well, the women that I were talking to, I don't think any of them listened to the pod, but I was talking to a woman with two kids. She was cool, but uh she just was trying to make me her third child very fast. So I didn't really like that. Yeah, she wanted me to be like her uh her man, but uh it was a little too quick for me. And then uh I went to Jolly Rogers. I'm not Jolly Rogers. Where did that tell you I went? I went to Waterworld USA or fucking Waterworld. That's water that's uh Waterland or something. Waterworld, no, you're right. I'm thinking of uh what's it called? It used to be called Bush Gardens, but it's not anymore. No, that's a different place. Uh it's fucking it's literally called like Waterland or Waterworld USA now, but it was Bush Gardens.

SPEAKER_04 33:24

Uh I know what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_05 33:27

Yes, I went out there. I forgot why I had mentioned that when I was out there, but uh oh, oh, I was talking to a chick, uh manager from Fairy Queen, and uh fucking we never went out there together, but like uh I kept everything to myself, all my parts to myself. Uh she said actually when we came back from the trip, that was one of the worst experiences I've ever had with a person. I probably will never do that again. So yeah, that was just an asshole. Like you you've seen how I've been lately. That was just a dick. Fucking she felt it clearly, but she sucked my dick like two weeks later after that.

SPEAKER_04 34:04

So everything is fine.

SPEAKER_05 34:07

Yeah, but I don't talk to her anymore, so everything is fine for me. You know, for her, she's probably in panic and turmoil.

SPEAKER_04 34:16

Oh man, you a heartbreaker.

SPEAKER_05 34:19

Man, you know, I'm trying I'm trying to get back to where I was, man. Fucking like all these chicks are cool, but they're not the chick I had at one point in time, so yeah, you know, until I find one that's worth it.

SPEAKER_04 34:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 34:31

So just, you know, fuck them and send them off.

SPEAKER_04 34:34

So what's up with your ride, man?

SPEAKER_05 34:37

Fucking, it's still a shame, man. That four G's is expensive. I'm about to just get my people to get it, uh, give me the four grand, like a loan that's just paying back, but fucking I'm really trying to at least get half of it myself before I fucking stop a hole in the floor and like do it like Fred Flint's.

SPEAKER_04 34:54

Stop it like Fred Flint's.

SPEAKER_05 34:57

I asked the Mexican man who was working on it, I was like, will my car still run without my parking brake? He said, Yeah, dude, you're fine. I think it's actually drivable. Like doesn't give me any problems. My lights don't come on. Except for my parking light. That's the one that just stays on. Other than that, it seems fucking fun.

SPEAKER_04 35:16

I've had many a cars. I said, I've had many a car as the parking light just stayed on all the time.

SPEAKER_05 35:23

But everything else is good? Ain't nothing else go bad?

SPEAKER_04 35:26

Yeah, it smelled a little sometimes, but you know.

SPEAKER_05 35:30

I put that death in this bitch now and it don't stink. You know, it don't smell uh, I don't pass out when I get out.

SPEAKER_04 35:36

Man, I tell you what. I was I don't know how you dealt with that shit. This motherfucker didn't have any of that. What is it called? D E F?

SPEAKER_05 35:44

It's called uh like death or death. Like when I opened the canister, it was like crystallized because I haven't put any in there.

SPEAKER_04 35:52

Oh man, it I was like, I didn't know. Smelled like you were living inside a tractor trailer fucking exhaust pipe.

SPEAKER_05 35:59

Oh my god. Speaking of that, you know, there was a dude at the club. I'm not gonna say his name, but it rhymes with major pain.

SPEAKER_07 36:06

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_05 36:07

Uh dude. He was like fucking, he was like, man, I was gonna kick a boy's ass. You know, and now I'm saying he was talking about a fucking vampire. He was gonna kill him over a phone.

SPEAKER_04 36:19

Yeah, he came in there during the show.

SPEAKER_05 36:22

He said I didn't want to ruin the show or anything. I was like, he must have ruined the fucking show.

SPEAKER_04 36:27

Yeah, well, he I mean, it didn't become a I don't know, man. He came in there all swolled up and tapped him on his shoulder and uh Ryan gave him the phone, but that was it.

SPEAKER_05 36:41

Yeah, man. He was like, yo, so there's this uh, you know that like young chick that comes to the club? She's like fucking 17. Yes?

SPEAKER_04 36:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 36:50

So she was there last night and fuck, and you know, I'm still in the age where I can kind of go after that, but I don't. They're grooming out there letting her hit the pin. You know, fucked up. And then look, Major was fucking white night for. I was like, man, because uh apparently she had an abusive boyfriend, to what chick doesn't. The take the single ones. That's what's once they're fucking, but this bitch was like uh just saying she knows a bitch crime, you know what I'm saying? Like not crime crime, but like oh, he hit me and with a smile on her face. Talking about how the dude like was she gonna shoot her with a BB gun and all this craziness. And then fucking ex She loves that shit. So Major, and then it's like, nah man, you know I'm part of the black brigade, and I almost took down some witches in warlocks and fucking and jazz, and I'll I'll hurt him for you. So Major was gonna like text he was texting her boyfriend. They're both like 17-year-olds.

SPEAKER_04 37:49

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_05 37:50

He was texting her, like, yeah, texting the D thing he's gonna fuck him up and come to his house, and you know, squatters rights, and then it would have been his house, so you set went good? No, no. Um haven't been up on stage in a minute, man. I was literally up there like last second dick. Like I said uh, I was like, so what's going on in the world? Like I think I put one of those in there, like it just wasn't great. I had one gym that went over well, but fucking I was just happy to be out.

SPEAKER_04 38:25

Yeah, man, you gotta keep going up.

SPEAKER_05 38:29

Yeah, man. For sure. What about you though, man? You've been rocking and rolling. I seen uh I just seen it right before you called me. Um the best way I've seen this show that you're doing. Wait, you're you, headline or you?

SPEAKER_04 38:42

Yeah, I'm headlining Alejandro's Oh shit. It'll be fun, man. It'll be fun. I mean, it's still gonna be a good one. I mean, headline still only means 15 minutes on a show like that. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05 38:56

Right, yeah, with a bunch of killers, man. But shit, fuck it.

SPEAKER_04 39:00

Seven people, so you know, you don't want to beat them to death. Yeah, seven people. Seven people plus Alejandro gonna do a couple minutes. And that's the late show. There's a show, there's a show before that.

SPEAKER_05 39:16

Yo, what's up with Motorhouse? Somebody told me Motorhouse was closed.

SPEAKER_04 39:20

It was, man, but they're back open now. I think actually starting tomorrow, I think they're back open.

SPEAKER_05 39:26

Yeah, see, I knew whoever told me that did it really do it to bother. Now, fucking uh Moe said it. Moe said it. I think it was just shut down for the summer, but I guess we're out of summer now.

SPEAKER_04 39:36

Yeah, yeah. Mo Moe was there.

SPEAKER_02 39:38

Mo was right.

SPEAKER_05 39:41

It was Mo, uh Mike Smith, uh, Ashley Nemo. They were all down there for Zach's show. And then Bam and then Bam's lady, Caitlin Nichols. They were all down there.

SPEAKER_04 39:52

Yeah, that's what's up. Casey. She's on the case.

SPEAKER_05 39:57

Yes, I fucked that up last time.

SPEAKER_04 39:58

She's doing uh she's doing some dates on the festival, man.

SPEAKER_05 40:03

She's pretty funny, man. They were all funny as hell.

SPEAKER_04 40:06

Yeah, man. They're all good. She's good. Fucking uh that's their like up there is their neck of the woods, too. Like up there at Parkville, like Harford County. Yeah, yeah. So a lot of them are are doing the upper Maryland states. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what's up, man. I'm glad you answered the phone. Fucked hard. You ignore me the first time?

SPEAKER_05 40:26

Of course, man.

unknown 40:29

Huh?

SPEAKER_04 40:29

I said you ignore me the first time.

SPEAKER_05 40:33

No, because I seen that you called me and then you FaceTimed me, and I didn't know which one you wanted, so I called you back.

SPEAKER_04 40:39

Yeah, I was just worried about the cell phone service. I know I got Wi-Fi.

SPEAKER_05 40:44

Right, yeah. Well, whatever you need, man.

SPEAKER_02 40:46

Plus, I get to see your sweet little face.

SPEAKER_05 40:49

Oh, of course, man. I just got off work. Is it a little is your black spot?

SPEAKER_04 40:55

Your hair is getting long.

SPEAKER_05 40:56

Is that just my skin? I know, man. It's getting fucking crazy.

SPEAKER_04 41:01

Damn, you almost got a beard, too.

SPEAKER_05 41:04

Almost. Come on, man.

SPEAKER_04 41:06

It's hot, though. It's hot.

SPEAKER_05 41:08

It is. I need to take this shit off. I need to cut it. I need to go do some barbershop.

SPEAKER_04 41:13

The barbershop. All right, homie. I'm gonna wrap this thing up.

SPEAKER_05 41:18

All right, Joe, man. I love you, dog. Appreciate you, man.

SPEAKER_04 41:21

We gotta jump out. Man, whenever whenever you jump back in, you can jump back in, please.

SPEAKER_05 41:26

I'm jumping in like hardcore, man. Like, that's the only reason why I got scared, man. They fucking, you know, you get you start climbing and fucking you get afraid of what you can do. So fucking. But I'm past that now. Got a little bit of shit I gotta deal with, but after that, I'm jumping in full force. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 41:42

All right, my bro, my friend. I'll see you soon.

SPEAKER_05 41:45

All right, Joe.

SPEAKER_04 41:46

Alright, love you, bro. All right, there we go. My friend. The YN of the podcast. No wait. All right. So I was doing the news. I forgot to do news things with him. I just wanted to hear about his life. Alright, so let's do this real quick. Um I'm not gonna, you know. 16 veteran released. Well, that's good. Sunken Nazi warships resurface as water levels drop. Wait a minute! I thought water levels were rising. I thought this whole time that the the I was getting ready to sell my house because it's three feet above sea level. They told me in fifty years my house would be underwater.

SPEAKER_02 42:56

But the Nazis under warships drop the sea level to expose themselves.

SPEAKER_04 43:09

Just let you know the sea levels are now sinking. Don't worry about that for another ten fucking years, and then we'll tell them rising. The egg is good, the egg is bad. Ketchup is good, ketchup is bad. Eat more soup, eat less kale, eat kale shakes, don't eat grit. Live your life. Live your life make people laugh. Look, man, this one Fox News article says cat stands ground against black bear and comes out on top. All right, I ain't seen the video. I'm not watching the video, but let me tell you something. A bear is a big fucking animal. Even a little bear, even if it's a hundred and fifty pound bear, that's a hundred and fifty pounds of Muscle with ten claws. I think they got thumb claws. I'm not sure. Ten claws and muscle and dense ass bones. It's like a 150-pound dog, alright? Except a bear got a hide that's way thicker than a dog's, and hair that's way coarser than a dog's. If it squared off, now a little bit of pushy, I'll fuck you up. As we know. Just a little bit. Cat's a murderous motherfucker. But there is no way in the world the cat hurt the bear. It might have run him off. The bear's probably annoyed. You know, whatever. But there's no way a house cat hurt the bear. The big bear. It's a pe it's a black bear in the picture. But who fucking knows? It could have been a koala bear, could have been a panda bear, could have been a bear cat. No, I don't think that's right. Oh man, I should have answered. I just got a phone call from Bayview Financial. No, Bayview Finance. They call me 45 times a day. We could have talked to old Brent. Ah, all right. Wow. The FDA. Hold on to you. I hope you guys are sitting down. The FDA announces recalls of food. Foods sold at Trader Joe's. Target Lange. That's Target.

unknown 45:39

Target Lange is French.

SPEAKER_04 45:41

Walmart and more. Oh yeah. Speaking of Walmart, you know the guy that uh his name is Damon Dash, I think. Anyway, he's on Instagram and YouTube and tick, talk, tick, talk. Fucking doing videos where he buy he's like a millionaire. Excuse me. And he buys like people's groceries for him. Um buys people's gas for him. He got banned from Walmart today. Why in the fuck? What a PR nightmare. Are they that detached? That dude's got millions of followers and has done good with his money. Yes, he's benefited. He's got followers. He, you know, he does comedy. He might be a good comedian too. You know, I don't know what came first. A lot of these influencers that go and say they're comedians suck ropes of dick. You know, you got you get 50,000 Instagram followers, and then you decide you're a comedian, and you go to open mics and walk around like your little butthole doesn't stink. Well, let me tell you, you're not a comedian. You're a fucking person that goes up there and says words. You know what I'm saying? It's different. It's different. It's like AI musician or pianist. I just like saying penist. All right. So I don't know which way, but it's horrible. Okay, back to the point. It's horrible that they banned him. It's horrible. I didn't say anything negative about that guy because he just just to get it straight, he could be a great comedian. I was not talking about him. I'm just saying some influencers. I've never seen that dude do comedy. I have seen him do a whole bunch of really cool shit. And he says brothers. And it makes me giggle just like that. Brothers. You don't like the brothers. Look him up if you haven't seen him. All right. The FDA recalled Taylor Farms iceberg lettuce.

SPEAKER_02 47:55

Why the fuck is it always lettuce? It's always lettuce. It's always a green. You tell me to eat leafy greens and then you fucking poison them. E. coli, bacteria, salmonella. Get everything from the lettuce.

SPEAKER_04 48:09

Alright. So don't eat lettuce again. Eat lettuce, don't eat lettuce. See, just like I was talking about. All full circle. That's what I do. I bring it around. Eggs are good, eggs are bad. Lettuce, great. In August alone, 345 people across 27 states were insected with C salmonella javelina. Japolinos. That one was on Japanos.

SPEAKER_02 48:42

Oh, excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir. Uh, I think jalapenos are the poison.

SPEAKER_04 48:53

Taylor Farms recorded recalled 16 plus Japanino containing products sold at major retailers, including Kroger, Walmart, Target, and Whole Foods through August 16th, 2026. Take back your jalabeno, sir.

SPEAKER_02 49:10

Sir, sir. Take back your jalabenos.

SPEAKER_04 49:17

Okay. I probably got some of those, man, because I eat the fuck out some jalapenos. Them pickle joints. I eat them pickle joints. So rice and bean burritos. There's a whole list of states. I'm not reading all this. Spicy roast beef. Uh Jerisburg dip. Wait a minute. I want to try Jairusburg. I've never even heard of that. Oh, it's because it's not in my state. Spicy pimento cheese dip. Now, see, there's something that's probably in my fucking refrigerator. Nope. Nope. Pica de gallo. Salsa. Pica de gallo. Guacamole. So if you eat like a beaner like me, then you're bound to get. Okay. These symptoms. Watery diarrhea. Swatery diarrhea that can contain blood or mucus. It's like somebody had their nose in your butt. Stomach cramps. Check. Headache. Check. Nausea.

unknown 50:29

Check.

SPEAKER_04 50:30

Vomiting.

unknown 50:31

Check.

SPEAKER_04 50:32

Losing your appetite. Check. That's also all the symptoms of being alcoholic. If you vomit or have diarrhea for more than two days, you're in a world of hurt. It says uh you should go to the doctor. Salmonella could kill you if your stool's bloody. I don't mean bloody from your butthole like a hemorrhoid. I mean bloody stools. They say if it's black, that means that your body has uh digested some of it. Like blood turns black when it, you know. And that's bad. If you poop black.

unknown 51:11

That's bad.

SPEAKER_02 51:12

Bang it. Bang it.

SPEAKER_04 51:16

If you spike a fever higher than 102. Well I used to get high fevers when I was a kid, man, but I ain't had one in a while, I don't think. I think I just be running a fever sometimes. I think I'll just be sweating for no reasons. Frozen yogurt is back. Where did it go?

SPEAKER_02 51:38

Where did frozen yogurt go?

SPEAKER_04 51:39

I just getting ice cream. I'm I ain't gonna fuck with you. Frozen yogurt got just as much sugar. I guess you could like it better. But people were like treating fro frozen yogurt like it was a better alternative to ice cream.

SPEAKER_02 51:50

I don't think so. I don't think so. Nope. I'm pretty sure it's sugar sugar.

SPEAKER_04 52:02

Alright. Did y'all hear about the wall? New portion of the wall. Somebody got stuck. Somebody got dead. I don't know, it was on some farm. Split it. Split it some uh split it uh a park from something else that people got stranded. I don't fucking know. I should've talked about shit that I don't know nothing about. The guy that was Reacher is on fucking everything. Everything. Netflix shows, prime shows. He's riding bicycles, punching people. Look that video up. This guy tried to say that the the the actor from Reacher, the real guy, was riding his bicycle, and this guy tried to say that he beat him up for no reason. But you will go back and you watch the full video, and the guy is like straight antagonizing him and antagonizing him in a tan, and he tries to hit him, and he likes the Reacher guy. I can't remember his name, but um, I'm sorry, Reacher guy. Um, but he's a big giant man, you know what I'm saying? So when he finally reacts, he gets off his bike or whatever. Fucking his doll's in my ragdoll. Andy Griffith's show. People told me the Andy Griffith's show was raceless. I had watched it when I was a kid. They could be right. I don't really, you know, I don't really remember. And then when you go back and watch some stuff now, it seems racialist. Alright, so let's do uh Dakota Johnson looks nearly unrecognizable as Marilyn Monroe. See the photos. Oh what the fuck am I doing? Why is this on my feed? See, man, they got you! They're mind melting you. They're mind melting you, and you don't even know it.

SPEAKER_02 53:49

I don't even know it.

SPEAKER_04 53:54

Jennifer Lopez still looks good. She candidly admits that she would have sex with and then end quotations, any one of these celebrities. That's such a fucking loaded article. I guarantee it don't say dick. It doesn't say nothing. And what it does say, J Lo probably didn't even say that shit. They probably took it out of context. Especially if she didn't say my name. You know she lying. Let's get one more. I appreciate you guys, man. All you guys hanging out with me. I got a bunch of fucking shows coming up, dude. You guys are gonna have fun. I got the Baltimore Comedy Festival coming up. Baltimore, Maryland. I think I got a show at a place called Flock. It'll be on my website by Tuesday. By Tuesday, it'll be on the website, jospaincomedy.com. Please follow me at Joe Spain Comedy. I put up some new videos on Instagram yesterday. On uh YouTube. It's Joe Spain 3, the number three. Comedy. Joe Spain 3 comedy. I just really started fucking with YouTube, honestly. So there's not a lot on there, but there's like a 20-minute dark comedy set that I did. Um, kind of off the cuff. There's not a lot of jokes, but it was fun. The crowd was really fun. Um there's some shorts on there, some little videos from when I've been around the country, country doing comedy. I think there's some Austin videos on there, some Tennessee videos on there, you know, some little stuff-ass stuff. But uh, and then September 5th, I'm actually doing a show at Hammer Jokes. And my man Milo is coming from Detroit or Chicago. I almost did see Detroit Rock City. I was thinking of Moon. Milo's coming from Chicago. My boy Jacob is coming up from North Carolina. Oh, wow. Yeah, man. There's a lot of good comedies in town. Alabama's on it. Uh Ivan Martin's on it. It's a bunch of pros doing their thing. It's a bunch of people doing their thing. What we got next? We're gonna end it out with uh the next song that I think is worth. I'm just gonna. Oh, I like this guy's name. So we're just gonna, I'm gonna take you out with Lil Shimmy.

SPEAKER_00 56:53

I got Spanish Mammy, Snow Bennett's pretty girl.

SPEAKER_04 56:57

This is what the kids think is cool. Um, probably not. You got a Nashville shirt on now. I love some Nashville. Thank you guys. Good times, man. Lots of shows coming up. Come see me. Say hi. Thank you for listening to us. Make time. Make people laugh.