How We Use Couple Goals To Stay Close, Communicate Better, And Keep Love Intentional

What if the difference between drifting and thriving is a whiteboard, a budget, and a standing date for coffee? We open up about how we turned love into a living plan: setting shared goals, checking progress without blame, and making space for the quirks that make us, us.

This conversation starts with the science—why coordinated goals boost happiness—and moves into the messy, human stuff: a wedding that shattered the budget but taught us how to plan together, a cross-state move with a custom home build, and a clear deadline to host Thanksgiving fully settled. We talk about designing a kitchen for two cooks, choosing weekly date nights over “someday,” and keeping phones off the dinner table so connection gets priority. You’ll hear how we manage tradeoffs with heart: one of us fell in love with a hand-carved Lord of the Rings–inspired front door, the other with the idea of Reykjavik. Both dreams made the list because fairness isn’t 50/50; it’s visible, reciprocal support.

We also dig into the structure that keeps us steady: a shared goal book, monthly whiteboard resets, and biweekly check-ins that ask what moved, what blocked, and what’s next. Personal ambitions matter, too—a musician finding a new ensemble after the move, a mortgage pro rebuilding a business in a new state—and we frame them as team projects to keep resentment out and momentum in. Along the way, we reveal the rituals that glue it all together: morning coffee chats, gratitude at bedtime, and showing up for services at least once a month to nurture faith and perspective.

If your relationship feels stuck or scattered, steal our simple playbook: pick three shared goals, write them down where you can’t ignore them, and schedule short, regular check-ins. Protect two daily rituals that make you feel close and choose one bright dream that keeps you aiming forward. Love stays alive when it has direction. If this resonated, subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a quick review—what shared goal will you set first?

Transcript

Welcome & Why Goals Matter

Joe 0:00

So I understand you have some questions for me.

Heather Anne 0:04

Are you surely okay, okay.

Joe 0:08

If I started a cult, first what would it be called, and then would you join it?

Speaker 0:16

Your next favorite podcast pick starts now. Here's the Professor and Heather Anne.

Heather Anne 0:24

Welcome to the Professor and Heather Anne. Although we don't have all the answers, we hope to encourage and excite you. We're here sharing our lives to inspire you to make the most of the second half of your life.

Research On Couples And Goals

Joe 0:42

In this episode, we're going to talk about relationship goals. So we've already talked about how important it is to express feelings, to tell your partner how much you love them and how grateful you are for their them being in your life. And that is very important. But for married couples or even couples that are cohabiting but not married, there's a lot more to the relationship than feelings. There's the sort of like the practical details of getting things done. Everyday life. Everyday life.

Heather Anne 1:23

Communication.

Joe 1:24

Communication and the exceptional parts of life, too, and things like trips. And so it's um it just intuitively it seems obvious that an important part uh of keeping a relationship healthy is to set goals and then monitor your progress in achieving those goals. It turns out there's actually psychological research that shows that uh uh that that this is true. And so um I just read this study by some people in Hungary. Um the title of this paper is Flourishing Together: the longitudinal effect of goal coordination on goal progress and life satisfaction in romantic relationships. And so they they survey these people over the course of a year and found that the the couples that both you know set goals and then um and and uh and monitor their parts and obtain those goals uh report um higher satisfaction as a result.

Heather Anne 2:23

So this is our first year setting goals. We have never set goals as a couple before. I personally have set goals for many years. Um it's something that um for business, they taught for business, but started doing it more and more for just life in general the last 10 years. We've been married um a year and a half, officially over a year and a half now. And we've been together for over three years. Neither one of us set goals with our previous spouses. So what did you think when I brought this to you and said this is what we're going to do? What do you think about it?

Joe 3:11

This it was surprising and perplexing and sort of a head scratcher. Um uh and uh and so it it yeah, it took a while for me to get accustomed to this idea, but now I think it's really important. And so like what would you say that our first our first major goal that we set as a couple?

Heather Anne 3:35

It would probably have to be our wedding.

Joe 3:39

Yes, that's what I was thinking.

Heather Anne 3:41

That was it definitely we did not obtain the goal of staying on budget for the wedding because we went way over budget. Neither one of us really had a true big ceremony or anything, um, or a religious ceremony in our with our previous marriages. So apparently I was not prepared for how much everything cost, and then also you were very specific on what you wanted for a wedding, and so that just kept driving the cost up, driving the cost up. But I drove the cost up. I don't think you've ever officially looked at all the bills, no, no, I don't know. Um, but it did turn out the way that we wanted and what we had envisioned because it honestly, it was something hard for me. I'm I am not a I'm a numbers person. So I I need to visually see things to bring things to life. And when you were like, I would like a traditional ceremony, let's have a fun reception, all of that stuff. It actually made me nervous. And it's like, am I going to be able to pull this off? But together we did. Together we brought it all together, and it we wound up having a wonderful ceremony and reception that people still talk about it to this day.

Joe 5:17

Yes, people, even people who generally don't like weddings have have said how much they enjoyed our wedding. How much they enjoyed our wedding.

Heather Anne 5:24

And it was just it was lighthearted, it was fun, and it was just slightly different. So I think that was probably our first goal.

Planning Weeklong Family Events

Joe 5:34

And you could see that as like it's a good test, right? Because, you know, sort of, you know, young people getting married often, the parents, I well, traditionally the parents of the bride, um do a lot of the organizing. But you know, getting married later in life, you have to do the organizing yourself, and figure it all out. A whole lot of detail um and a whole and thing things that things that go wrong um and have to be set right.

A Rest Year And A Fresh Start

Heather Anne 5:57

Uh so but also on top of that, we I wound up planning a whole week of activities and stuff for our families because we had a lot of family that was coming in from out of state. Your mother's older. Um, so I had to come up with things for the girls to do and have some fun and then come up with some ideas for the men to do on their own. Um, so it it really and then we had everybody staying in one hotel. So it really um, I would say that was definitely our first goal of making something happen and bringing our vision to um to reality. To reality. How do you say that our goals have changed just just in the like goals that we have now that that are really important now that were not important uh I I think last year we for 2025 we didn't set any goals. This is our first year, 2026. And I think we were just kind of like because the first two years of our relationship, we bought a house, we got married, we went on this fantastic honeymoon, you know, almost like two weeks in Eastern Europe that I think we were just exhausted last year. We just need to make it through the year. And this year we really had to, when we sat down to decide to do this, we really had to sit down and come up with some really goals that would fit both of our needs. Because the other issue that we have is that you're retired and I am not. So sometimes you're able to go do some things and maybe plan some vacations and stuff that at the time I can't do. So that was uh so I'm really excited about the goals that we have set for ourselves this year.

Joe 7:58

Okay, and you ready to share some of them? So this this episode is dropping in uh late February, but um, so these are goals that we set at at the beginning of 2026.

2026 Goals: Move And New Home

Heather Anne 8:11

So I got us this little fancy-dancy book because I once you have a book like that, then you're committed. Then you're committed. Once you write things down, you're committed to it, but also because I um that's what I do. I'm I'm a person I have to write things down. Um, I'm not the type of person to just put things in my phone. I'm a hardcover kind of person. So some of the things that we came up with is it's more about moving. So we're building a new house, we're moving to another state that in itself is quite a feat and all the things that have to be accomplished to make that happen. But we're building a uh custom home. So our number one goal is to stay on budget of that custom home. So uh that was a very easy uh obvious goal. That was like the number one we're going to stay on budget. We um already have building a shop and an apartment inside it, and we've already kind of gone over budget on that, just for unforeseen things like grading and the foundation and and those type of things. But keeping a budget for 2026, mainly because we're building the house. So a lot of funds are going into that. Um, gardening and prepping land and cleaning up the land once we move there, because we um we're able to buy a little bit of land, help some family members with some things that they need, have a really big Thanksgiving.

Joe 9:52

So we want to be all settled in the new house and ready to host guests for Thanksgiving.

Heather Anne 10:00

For Thanksgiving. Um, cook more together. Our our kitchen now is not conducive to necessarily two cooks in the kitchen.

Joe 10:09

We try that, we run into each other.

Heather Anne 10:11

We run into each other. Um, so in the new house, we'll have a bigger kitchen, and that was part of having a bigger kitchen when we designed the house so that we could do more cooking together for now, and I'm enjoying it. I absolutely love it. All the ladies out there, he cooks pretty much all of our meals. So if it wasn't for him, we wouldn't be eating. Not that I don't know how to cook, I'm actually a very good cook. But I'm just acting, I'm enjoying this reprieve of not having to worry about what we have every day for dinner.

Joe 10:46

But we do enjoy cooking together. And when we when we first started going out, and you lived in a that rented house, it there we could we could.

Budget, Land, And Thanksgiving Deadline

Heather Anne 10:53

We could cook, and we did, and we did have a we did enjoy doing that for sure. Um, our anniversary trip. We like to travel, but due to um building the house, we're not going to be able to travel as much this year. So next year we'll set some different goals for getting in some um Yeah, in 2027, we want to do some international travel. Yes, but we we can't but we can't do that this year. So we'll be able to we want to do like three weekends um away for the year, a date night every week. Um, and then what I liked about this book was that in the book it already had some 100 things to experience together. So we'll just be every month picking um a few of those to make sure that we stay on track for that goal. Um, and going to services. That's a really big thing for us as well, making sure we're going to services.

Joe 11:55

And we it says how often does it is the goal?

Cooking Together And Home Design

Heather Anne 11:59

We put at least once a month. At least once a month. We would like to go a little bit more. Um, and that can include, you know, regular services, but it could be events and things that are happening at the congregation that we can we could do that. So a lot of ours are really about um that kind of thing, budget, what we plan on doing when once we get moved to Virginia, some things we can't share. Um and uh just more family, being able to have more family, cooking together. We probably have like five of them stay on budget, stay on budget, stay on budget. So that is that is a major thing for us for the house.

Joe 12:49

And do we have any sort of well mechanism in there for like monitoring, like you know, checking that we're our are you know that we are achieving these goals? Or are we just gonna wait till the end of 2026?

Travel Tradeoffs Now And Later

Heather Anne 13:06

No, we need to number one, I think, at least from what I've learned and from friends who do this on a regular basis, because again, it's our first time doing this, is that you have to have regular check-ins. Um, one of the things that we will be doing is putting down what our dates are, what we're doing for specific dates, like in a couple of weeks, we're going to uh jazz, we're going to listen to some jazz at the jazz club. And so then I specifically got this book so that we can prompt us to go in and write about it and talk about the date and different things afterwards. So you definitely have to have where you can't wait till the end. Right. That's that's like telling our builder to here's a check, just make it work. I hope it works, and let us know if we have any money left over at the end. So you have to definitely plan to have regular check uh check-ins and put those on the calendar. Yes. So we have to, and that's one of the things that we started doing last year is we have two different calendars. So we have the calendar that we do together, we have my business calendar in my office, but you have we have the family calendar that puts all the other stuff. So we'll be putting on the calendar um specific times of the month where we do a check-in to make sure that we're accomplishing our goals.

Joe 14:31

Yes. Yes, it's a whiteboard calendar, and it's a thing, right? For the beginning of each month to, you know, wipe it clean and put putting the next month on there.

Rituals, Services, And Check-Ins

Heather Anne 14:43

Which is what I need to keep in track and making sure I'm not double booking things for business or um, you know, we've got jazz planned, the uh night for jazz, and making sure I'm not scheduling something for business on that. Our priority, our priorities have changed some. When we first started dating and even when we first got married, traveling was a very high priority on our list, partly because of we had already bought a house, we wanted to do international travel, plus you know, travel around the country. But I think that's changed for us. The the whole moving to Virginia and building a house and all of that has only happened within the last year. It wasn't something that we truly expected to happen. And we even when we bought the land and said, hey, this is what we're going to do, we thought that we probably wouldn't even be building until 2027. So that has drastically changed for us, which then causes us to put some of our travel plans to sort of push them back.

Joe 15:54

Yes. But um we'll you know we'll do it, we'll do those, we'll make those trips eventually. Eventually. Um so and so what would you say are some because I think I would say most of our goals are the sorts of things that both both of us are independently enthusiastic about. But there are a few where it feels more like one of us is you know making a concession to the other one. Um you're trying to get at your door. Yeah, so there's the door.

Heather Anne 16:27

The door. You love talking about your door. So, yes. Um you I made the mistake of showing you this door, and you fell in love with this door, and we're making it work to where this will be our front door. And it is a hand-carved door that is what what is it?

Calendars, Whiteboards, And Priorities

Joe 16:53

It's it's well, first, it's made by a a company called the Art Factory, which is based in Arizona, and they do not they don't they do doors, but they do other things too. But it's whole, these are hand-made um objects. Hand-carved, right? And so this, and this is just one of the many uh doors that they offer. And I think they also will do sort of custom, right? They'll they'll do it. Oh, they'll do anything.

Heather Anne 17:19

Any, they'll they'll custom customize any door for you.

Joe 17:23

So this door is based, it's it's a replica of the doors of Durin, the doors to the the West Gate of the Minds of Moria and Lord of the Rings.

Heather Anne 17:33

And I must really love you because I have no idea what you just said. I know you've said it lots of times. I know that we have had a Lord of the Rings themed wedding, but I have never read the books, or even see the movies. I've never seen the movies, so it's just not something that appeals to me. But you're you know, you're looking around the internet and saying, Oh, look, look at this. Look at this. And that was okay, yeah. That was it. So we're building the house around this door. Um, but it is truly a beautiful door. I mean, it's it's a work of art, and it's um you ensure it as a work of art. And I am that's it's not something I would like. We were specific, that's what started the whole thing, on what I would like for a door. I wanted a wooden, solid wood door. So that kind of started the whole thing. It wasn't like we just like, oh, let's do a Lord of the Rings door. So that's right. I'm excited about having like a one-of-a-kind type door that's going to be something very special on our house because this is our retirement house. We have no plans of moving again. So um, but that is definitely one goal that is more directed into than it is for me.

Joe 18:51

And the main goal that is more your something you want to do, that that I'm going along with is on our list of places to travel is Iceland. I'm very obsessed with Iceland. And so, how how did you become obsessed with Iceland?

Compromise Goals: Door And Iceland

Heather Anne 19:09

I actually several years ago, probably more than before COVID, so it had to be six, seven years ago, had a client that was from Iceland. And I just started like, I don't know. I just want to be able to say I've been to Reykjavik. I don't know what that why or why I've become obsessed with it, but it is something. I know it's not any place that you necessarily.

Joe 19:36

It would not be on my, you know, but that is one of the things.

Heather Anne 19:39

That's one of the next international trips that we will take. So so it is so couples' goals are not there. Because each of you have to bring something into it, into the relationship, and we each have to work on these goals together. So there is a little bit of compromising. Goals next year might be are obviously going to be very different than what they are for this year, and we're pretty specific on the goals this year be because of the move. Um, and it's really just making sure that all plays out. There's so many moving parts, even to just get us to Virginia, but also to get the house built, and your mother will be coming and living with us. So even that is just it's a a huge operation.

Joe 20:32

And so I would say that of of of those goals, maybe like like about a quarter of them have to do that.

Heather Anne 20:39

They all have to do with the move and coordinating things and um, you know. I would say that this year was pretty easy for us to set those goals.

Joe 20:50

Yes, is yeah, constrained by by the by this.

Heather Anne 20:54

By what is already happening in uh in the areas. Um so one of the reasons why I truly brought this to you is I've just seen where couples have done this, I've seen what it's ha helped with their marriage, and one of the things that we talk about quite often, and especially from the beginning, was doing things differently in our marriage than we had previous. It it takes two people to be in a marriage, and and it's not a 50-50 thing. We we've been married before, we're um not uh blind to that, that it that sometimes somebody is 80% and somebody's 20%. But that was one thing that we really were are dedicated to is working on things together and continue building our relationship.

Why Open Communication Wins

Joe 21:51

Communicating honestly and so saying about something. Well, you know, I I I will I will do that, I'll do that for you. It's not necessarily something I would do. But the this ne it the point is it all needs to be like brought out in the open and discussed openly. You you if you just sort of drift along and uh uh day to day and and hope that both partners will be pleased with the way things are going, that's not very likely to work. It's not very likely.

Heather Anne 22:19

And we learned that in our previous marriages. So that that is what's driving us. Everybody has their own reasons, but whatever your reason, I definitely recommend that you want to set some goals. And it doesn't we we have several, we probably have 20. Again, majority of them are with the house, but definitely, even if it's just a couple of goals, uh, to make it through the year. And those goals are gonna change, I'm assuming, because we'll be able to accomplish some things there because of things that happen. We might have to add a few extra things to them, or you know, you know, it's gonna be great when we can cross certain goals off.

Joe 23:07

That's right. And we have in addition to the couple goals, we each have individual goals. Individual goals. So, for example, I um I I my major hobby is playing the recorder. Uh, and so I have some goals you know pertaining to that, which you know don't don't really concern you, but but you know But I still like to you still have to share that with the other partners because they need to help you.

Individual Goals That Need Support

Heather Anne 23:35

One of them is we're moving. So you have a local group here that you're a part of and you go play with every month, but you won't have that. So you now have to search for a whole new group. That's right. One of the things for me is business, is that I'm going to continue in doing mortgages and I'll still be licensed here in Oklahoma and the other states that I have licenses in, but I have to go rebuild a whole new business in Virginia. So I'm going to need your help on that because I'm have to go out and do more business stuff than I have been doing the last few years.

Joe 24:14

Right.

Heather Anne 24:16

So it's mainly just supporting each other and making sure we move forward in our relationship. What do you think keeps our connection strong?

Daily Connection Habits That Stick

Joe 24:33

What keeps our well there there are two things that keep our connection strong, I think, is that uh um we're we make sure to s we make sure to spend time communicating and spend intimate time. Like we don't let those things go. We don't like get, you know, wrapped up doing other stuff that takes us away from those things. Like those are those, those things are they they have to be done. And the other thing is what we're just what we're talking about, which is which is communicating about um about projects and and not and projects it sounds like it's work, but it's not all it's can be leisure sorts of things, too, but that we're very intentional, uh, you know, what what we're doing and and when we're doing it.

Heather Anne 25:18

And some of the things that we're very intentional day in and day out is we usually try to do coffee. We can't always, but coffee in the morning and talk about things and then but then at bed, bedtime is when we have a lot of deep conversations, or we're just saying things to each other, like, you know, very thankful God brought you into my life, and uh feel very blessed. So that's kind of how we end our day every single day.

Joe 25:52

We eat all our meals together. When I mean, I mean, when we're both in the house, uh, we never like just you know, one of one of us just you know, you know, eating them by themselves at the counter. We don't do that.

Independence, Kids, And Separate Trips

Heather Anne 26:04

No, we sit down at the table and have our dinners. Put the phones down, put the phones down, which is one of our goals is uh for this year is less phone time. Um so learning to schedule that in because I do things on social media and stuff that I do have to take care of. So uh, but that'll be more scheduled this year. Right. Um what else is we actually have a pretty good balance between couple and independence. So one of the things that um I guess we did kind of set some goals before, not any definite, but one of the things when we got married or before we got married was that we would be able to travel with our children. So it's important that we do traveling on our own, but it, you know, whether I want to go to a girls' weekend or at the end of next month, I go to a yoga retreat. Um you were just in Germany with your daughter. Yeah. I do a uh baseball with my younger son, so we go to a lot of different baseball games. So it was important that we do that. Was something that we set up from the very beginning, that it was important that we were able to travel together and travel uh separately. And it's worked out really well. Yes, yes.

Joe 27:38

So I understand you have some questions for me.

Heather Anne 27:42

Are you sure that you want to hear the question? Okay, okay. I'm not sure. Um if I okay, we're gonna let's go ahead and do these questions. If I suddenly became famous on social media, what would it be for?

Rapid-Fire Questions And Playful Banter

Joe 28:00

Well, that's not that difficult to answer since you you you may be on the verge of becoming famous on social media. It's it's for uh it's for your story and and how you've how you have thrived and flourished in spite of a a very challenging background.

Heather Anne 28:20

So it wouldn't be for like anything crazy, like somebody caught me driving crazy down the road or no.

Joe 28:28

No instant uh I mean I think maybe earlier at an earlier point in your life that first there wasn't there wasn't video or social media at that time.

Heather Anne 28:38

And I'm very thankful for that because there is a lot of things that could have been uh caught on uh video for sure that I did. Uh that that's a whole nother episode. Uh which personality trait of mine do you secretly brag about to others? And which personality trait do you warn them about? Can't wait for this quit for this answer.

Joe 29:12

I I I I can't. The personality trait that I brag about is that you're how honest and forthright you are. That uh how I know what you're saying to me, you mean it, and the and things that and conversely, uh there's there are there aren't things you're hiding from me. Uh what you see is what you get.

Heather Anne 29:35

That could be bad too.

Joe 29:38

Because some people would prefer to.

Heather Anne 29:41

Some people take, you know, I come on too strong or something, because I'm just a matter-of-fact kind of person. That these are the facts. So So what would be what would you consider one you would warn people about?

Joe 29:55

Well, okay. In a way, it's it's the same thing. That uh uh you know, you can you can expect that Heather will criticize things that need criticizing. Um so in a way it's it's yes, it's the same trait.

Heather Anne 30:13

But but I don't know if it I guess it does come across as criticizing. Maybe it's just observing something like we had that problem when we first started dating because I was getting to know you and I ask a lot of questions. So then you would do something and I'd be like, well, why did you do it that way? And then I took this as criticism. And you took it as criticism, but it was me trying to figure out why you are doing something that way, so that I learn your little quirks and habits and things like that, and something that wouldn't bother me later on down the road because I wasn't understanding the meaning behind it. So, but I could see that. Okay. Well, I'm gonna turn.

Joe 30:54

I'm gonna turn and ask a question.

Heather Anne 30:56

No, I'm gonna ask mine first. If we were trapped in an elevator for 10 hours, what would we do? Why are you turning red?

Joe 31:08

I'm not gonna answer that question.

Driving Styles And Growth

Heather Anne 31:10

You have to answer the question. Some of them would be sleepy because what happens when I get around you and we're Well, it's I have this thing that I instantly like fall asleep, wouldn't it?

Joe 31:25

I would still be able to calm you even trapped in an elevator.

Heather Anne 31:28

That's yes, 100%.

Joe 31:33

It's very good.

Heather Anne 31:34

Which one of us would be more freaked out being trapped in? Definitely you. I might have to be calming you, but then after I calm you down, then I would be like, okay, I'm tired now. I need to lay down and take a nap. And and that has to do with not that I, you know, have narcolepsy or anything like that. That just has to do with how safe and everything I feel around you, and just something I've never had in my life until you came. Not not that I was not in safe situations before, but it's just something you calm my soul. And so it's easier for me to fall asleep and all of that. So among other things, there would probably be some sleeping. I mean, it's 10 hours. There's a there's a lot you to do in 10 hours.

Joe 32:20

Yeah.

Heather Anne 32:20

Of course. But we have great conversations. Oh, yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.

Joe 32:24

We we can we would not get bored with each other.

Heather Anne 32:28

I don't think we would. If I were a car, what make a model would I be? And why?

Joe 32:40

I think you would be I don't I don't know cars that well. But you would be uh like a sport coupe. Okay. Not a sports car, but a sport coop.

Heather Anne 32:55

Something that's fast.

Joe 32:56

Something that's fast and accelerates fast. Accelerates fast. Um can help me weave. Maneuverable, maneuverable one.

Heather Anne 33:06

Um not gonna lie, I like to drive fast.

Joe 33:08

It would be it would be it would be red.

Health, Spiritual, And Legacy Goals

Heather Anne 33:11

I like red. What is something I do that you secretly love?

Joe 33:19

Oh, I don't, I don't, I don't know if there's anything that I secret because everything about you that I love I tell you about, so well share, share with our listeners what is something that I do that that you really like.

Heather Anne 33:36

And keep it clean.

Joe 33:40

I like I like the way that at least once a day you say I'm crazy about you. Okay. That's very special.

Heather Anne 33:50

What is the most distracting thing about me?

Joe 33:56

Well, the most distracting is is well actually I'm okay. Now I'm not sure what the question means. Uh you mean that distra like distracts me from doing other things so that I pay attention to you instead of the other things? Is that what the question means?

Heather Anne 34:11

I think it could go either way. Something that is distracting that prevents you from doing things, or something I do that just kind of makes you go, okay, stop, stop. I need you to stop.

Joe 34:26

Well, yes, I think we've already talked about how sometimes you you ask for contradictory things, you ask for different things at the same time. Uh, and then I have to ask for, well, which of those things do you want me to do first?

Heather Anne 34:38

So, so basically, my ADHD, when I'm like saying, Oh, can you do this? Can you do that? Can you do this? Can you do that? And then you have to stop me and go, which thing do you want me to do first?

Advice For Stuck Couples

Joe 34:54

You're you're in a state of distraction, and then you're sort of like, you know, transmitting the distraction to me. That's a distraction for you. Yes. Okay.

Heather Anne 35:03

Okay, what's your questions?

Joe 35:05

Okay. What is one thing you think I would pack in an apocalypse bag? Uh, even if it even if it didn't make any sense. Your recorder.

Heather Anne 35:19

I can see you packing your recorder, and I would ask, why are you why are you packing that? You'd be like, well, we need music. Zombies are chasing us. And there might we to calm us down, we might I might need to play some music. I could totally see you doing that.

Joe 35:39

Absolutely. And it's compact. Well, which the you know, there's four it would have to be the smaller one. The smaller, the soprano.

Heather Anne 35:49

So, but I could totally, and I'd be we're we're bugging out and we've got to throw everything together, and you would grab that. I can see you grabbing that. I I think you're absolutely right. And maybe a Lord of the Rings book, because you would be like, what happens if they destroy all the books? Then we still have one book left. We still have a very important book left.

Joe 36:14

If I started a cult, first, what would it be called? And then would you join it?

Closing Reflections And Community Invite

Heather Anne 36:25

I don't know what it would be called. It's something Lord of the Ringish or Harry Pottery, you know, Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings or something, but it would definitely involve a lot of nerds. And so, yes, I would definitely join that because it would be a lot of fun. Because I've been having getting to know the academic world through you and um the different professors and stuff that oh, so you think the academic world is a little bit cultish? Oh, very much so. Hope that doesn't get me in trouble. But yes, it's uh it's a whole different world, and I don't think people understand how different it is until you've been in it. I I was shocked. I had this imaginary idea in my head, and so the very first time I went to a conference with you, it was not anything I expected whatsoever. But it was fun, and the people are amazing, and the conversations are just off the charts, and I would definitely join the cult of nerds uprising, coming together. I would, I would definitely join that for sure.

Joe 37:43

It would not be Harry Potter. So I I know the Harry Potter books very well because I read them aloud to my daughter, each of them probably four or five times. Um, so um there was a time when I, you know, I had large chunks of them memorized. Not that I had tried to, involuntarily memorized. Um, but um it's it doesn't really, it doesn't Lord of the Rings.

Heather Anne 38:11

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think what you'll have to do is because you communicate with several other academics. You have different groups that you chat with and stuff. So I think you'll have to ask them what would be the name of your cult. And I think that Daniel would probably be the best person to ask.

Joe 38:37

Oh, yeah.

Heather Anne 38:38

He he would come up with a great name, but I would definitely join that cult. I think I think it would be a lot of fun.

Joe 38:44

Thank you. Thank you. That's that's good to know. All right, and so so you um you asked me this question, but I'm returning it to you.

Heather Anne 38:54

So if I were a car, what make and model would I be and and why honestly, it's changed since we've been together. So for the better. For the better. So the first car you were, and you actually drove it, but it just seemed fitting for some reason. I don't know why. Um, you were a Honda. You were a Honda, it's not a civic, but a cord. A cord. You were Honda Accord, and that car was totally wrong for you.

Joe 39:28

Um this is my my ex and I bought this car together in 2016.

Heather Anne 39:36

But something that our listeners should know you're a safe driver, but you're not the best driver in the world. This is something we've talked about openly. It is out there now. I'm sharing it. And um, I was very worried because, like our third or fourth date, you even had cameras and you still hit a curb as turned the corner. So the car you would be today, um, and by the way, we uh what was it just a year ago? We got you out of the Honda, and you're like in a little SUV that fits you better. But the car that that I truly think that fits you better, that you would be, is a Tesla. It just seems to fit you. It just has all the proper things to help keep you safe, I guess. I kind of feel like it's it a Tesla kind of like puts a bubble around you. That may not be the right thing.

Joe 40:40

But also you you think it's like the stylish nerd car?

Heather Anne 40:42

Is that it is 100% a nerd car, and I think a Tesla would probably be what you yes, but when yeah, you were you were a Honda, and since you started dating me, you're now a Tesla. So that's a something, right?

Joe 41:01

Um one of my uh uh uh younger relatives has has told me that I've become so much more cool.

Heather Anne 41:09

Since you since you've been with me. That is true. You've been you've actually been told that by multiple people that you've It's the consensus opinion. You're much cooler with me. So a Tesla. Okay. For sure. Because it's safer. But it also goes rude. But we're moving, we're moving out to the country. A Tesla will not um it's not practical for us. Exactly. So so for now, you just drive a little. And you have yet to drive a truck. You want to you you want to drive a truck. So we're gonna have to see how.

Joe 41:49

I will need I only lessons in driving a truck.

Heather Anne 41:55

So you're we're just gonna have to take the time and you're gonna have to go driving with with my son, who has a truck that sits up, it's extended cab and all of that stuff, and see how you do with that. So I'm sorry, but the truth is. But you have improved on your driving. That's one you've become a better driver since moving here to Oklahoma. I still don't know how you drove around Los Angeles. But you're cautious, you're a safe driver. So that's important.

Joe 42:33

So, okay, so all right, all right, well, if we're gonna talk about this. So Heather says, and I and I'm on the freeway on a freeway, and I and I get behind someone who's driving too slow. You know, they're driving like you know, 55 in a 65 mile an hour zone. I'll just keep I'll just you'll just keep playing them.

Heather Anne 42:54

I have to remind you, you can pass them. They're allowed to pass on the freeway. But then, in all fairness, I because you grew up in California and I grew up in California, so we both learned how to drive in California. Though as an teenage uh early uh young adult, you didn't drive as much as I did. I was, you know, moved down to Los Angeles, so I was driving so between ages 18 and 34.

Joe 43:22

You didn't do much driving. The only driving I did really was um in Costa Rica doing the biological field work with my ex. And that was driving uh late 70s model Toyota Land Cruisers, but there was almost no traffic. I mean, there was um uh there were some challenges to it, but it wasn't, it was it was almost like the opposite of driving an illness.

Heather Anne 43:50

And at that age, I was in Los Angeles and driving, you know, the 405 and the canyons, and you know. Doing LA traffic. So I had to learn how to drive. So I do have a tendency to drive maybe a little too fast. And the first time I really drove long distance and we were on the 405 when the first trip we took to California, you I scared, I scared you. You actually screamed. Because I was going, I was going about 90, the flow of traffic, which is what you're supposed to do in Los Angeles. We were in the um what's that fast lane? Carpooling. The carpooling lane. And I'm driving and everything's fine. All of a sudden, this car comes up, whizzing by us, and pulls in front of us, and you literally screamed. So the good thing is you drive better and you don't scream anymore when I drive. So that's right. So we're good.

Joe 45:00

Yes.

Heather Anne 45:01

Um, what about um some of our goals for obviously we have these very specific goals, but we have goals about health and continue working out and cleaning up our diet. We about travel. We plan on doing some more traveling and all of that. Maybe next uh in 2027, not so much this year. Um going to services, our spiritual life, our financial financial and life shifts. Our family and legacy goals. What would you say is some I think building something that we can pass down to our children, but what I I I also I want to write something, something to uh pass on to my daughter.

Joe 45:59

I'm saying yeah, uh like a a private thing, um, but just like reflections I want to share with her. That's that's a goal I have.

Heather Anne 46:08

And and mine is uh I worked hard to change my family's histories for my boys. So um getting books published and um the leaving that more of a legacy for them of this is where we came from, but this is where we are. Um that's really important to me.

Joe 46:31

Um so we've been talking about ourselves, but like what advice would you want to give to other couples um who feel who may feel stuck, like the relationship's not the relationship's not moving forward or disconnected from each other?

Heather Anne 46:49

To really sit down and take that time to have some meeting conversation. Sometimes I know we are fortunate, you're retired, our kids are grown, but sometimes for younger couples that still have kids at home or kids in college, then sometimes they might need to. I know I've heard of different couples scheduling a weekend away to where they this is what their primary goal. They bring all the papers and they you know make the goals and stuff, but they kind of isolate themselves so that there's no distractions.

Joe 47:28

Like a retreat.

Heather Anne 47:29

Like a retreat. I think that's one of the things we have the benefit of that we uh know the mistakes. We don't know all the mistakes we made, but we understand a lot of the mistakes we made in our first marriages, so that we uh openly communicate that and talk about that. And so for other couples that are going into late-in-life relationships or second marriages, I I think that's the priority needs to be is we're going to have open communication and set goals together. Um, needs to be a priority to keep moving your relationship forward. And one of the other things that we both decided on is, you know, even if we're going to bed mad or something like that, we're not sleeping in separate rooms. We're not starting that, which happens a lot in marriages that are no longer moving forward or falling apart or for whatever reason, that that was um something that we made um from the very beginning that we agreed upon that we wouldn't be sleeping in separate rooms.

Joe 48:44

Even if one of us has a bad cold and is sniffling and coughing. That's right.

Heather Anne 48:50

So I think those are important things that we need to that couples really need to. Again, it's just it's communication more than anything. Thanks for joining us on another episode. This one we were a little vulnerable and personal. Yes. Thrown in with some laughter. We often laughed a lot in a marriage.

Joe 49:11

We often laugh together. Uh we have we find things, we find things funny that probably no one else would.

Heather Anne 49:18

We invite you to reflect or set three goals with your partner for this year. We encourage you to share your goals on our Facebook page. Search "The Professor and Heather Anne."

Joe 49:31

We hope you've enjoyed this episode in which we've talked about how goals change as we grow together, how to set realistic goals, keep your relationship fresh and fun, and the importance of dreaming together.

Heather Anne 49:45

Whether you've been together for five years or three years, like we have, or 40 years. Setting shared goals can strengthen your connection, uh, ignite fresh energy, and keep love purposeful.

Joe 50:05

So join us here each week, my friend. You're sure to get a smile from lessons learned to mishaps. The adventures go on from miles.

Speaker 50:12

Here on the professor and heather and thank you for listening to The Professor and Heather Anne.