In His Shadow, In His Absence - Episode 2: The Weight Of Absence

A father can live four minutes away and still feel like a ghost. That’s where we start—at the edge of presence—asking how silence, distance, and duty shape boys into men. We sit down as four Black men to challenge a tidy myth: that a two‑parent home guarantees peace, and that money or “hood rich” status can fill the rooms where care is missing. What we find is messier and more human: structure helps until it hardens; love works until it’s quiet; and absence isn’t just miles, it’s the weight of unsaid things.

We trace real stories across Savannah neighborhoods, small‑town crime rates, and college campuses where envy and privilege collide. One voice shares the gift and friction of divorced parents who learned to co‑parent well—eventually. Another details a home with two parents and constant tension, where minimalism masked control and “help” meant criticism. We talk chores, budgets, and the invisible labor that exhausts mothers who work both shifts. We also honor brothers, uncles, and mentors who stepped in, proving family can be built, not just inherited.

The heart of this conversation is responsibility and repair. We ask what forgiveness looks like when a father never showed up, and what accountability looks like when he did but still left emotional gaps. We explore how faith reframes poverty as a season, not a sentence, and how counseling nudges headstrong partners toward partnership. By the end, we land on a simple, stubborn truth: presence is more than proximity, and manhood grows when we name the hurt, share the load, and choose better patterns than the ones we survived.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with someone carrying a similar weight, and leave a review to help more listeners find these real voices and real stories. Your story might be the bridge someone else needs.

Transcript

Setting The Theme: Absence

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Behind every man is a shadow, and for some that shadow was never there. This is in his shadow, in his absence. The podcast exploring what it means to grow up with, without, and in spite of a father figure. We uncover the stories that shaped us, the guidance, the gaps, the pain, and the pride, from present fathers and absent ones to brothers, uncles, coaches, and mentors who stepped in andor didn't. This is where we talk about becoming men. Last time we learned that presence can shape you, but absence can define you just as deeply.

Defining Fatherhood And Influence

SPEAKER_00 0:41

In episode 2, the weight of absence, we talk about what happens when the silence lingers too long. How do we carry the parts of our fathers that we never knew? How do we forgive men who never showed up and still learn to show up for ourselves? For young black men sit down again, not to judge the past, but to understand it. Because before you can move forward, you've got to unpack what's missing. Welcome back to in his shadow, in his absence.

SPEAKER_02 1:11

What it is to struggle, because for a long time I really didn't know. I mean, I felt it because I could see like my friends getting certain things, and I can't get it at all. Like, not even a question, not even a thought in my mind. Like, I I know I can't get that. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_03 1:25

So, like that's great. The key word there that you use, and thank you for sharing that as well, too, Trill. Lotto cover there, right? So he said, advantages. Advantages give you opportunities. Opportunities give you right purpose,

The Weight Of Silence And Forgiveness

SPEAKER_03 1:41

life, right? So you had the advantage of having two parents in the household. He knows how that outcome looks like. He just literally just described your household, right? Whole structure.

SPEAKER_04 1:57

Structure was similar, yeah. In terms of it wasn't all hunky-dory.

SPEAKER_03 2:02

Right, right, right, right. But listen, in that context, I'm sorry, in that context, he used the word struggle. He didn't say, you know, oh, we had to get it out, you know. People say get it out the mind as far as like slaying, I understand that, but now you're speaking my language. But anyways, uh, you know, somebody that may have, let's just use the context of poor, right? Being poor is a mindset, it is not a reality. There are some people in these viewers who may have been walking around unemployed

Struggle, Advantage, And Opportunity

SPEAKER_03 2:37

for months, years, right? But they're still making a way and they're struggling. It's just a struggle. But God gets us to struggle. It's never a struggle, it's always experiences, it's always a path that you gotta walk down, right? Right. So, and this is being black in general. Think about that. Right? And I say that in context Christian, right? Your dad could have lost his job. He still had a job. He did it. He did. Right? So you want a high seat.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 3:23

Well, I want you to say, you gotta tell us what we need to hear. Right. So as far as with your father is being active, he's active, right? You said that he stayed just for 400 yards, 400 meters, like 0.4 miles. 0.4 miles. He knows the mileage by points, right? 0.4 miles. Calculation, two minutes walk, three minutes walk, right?

SPEAKER_01 3:51

15 minutes if you slow.

SPEAKER_03 3:52

15 if you slow. Okay. I'll take that. So as far as with you having that access to your father, did when did your mom struggle?

unknown 4:05

Right?

SPEAKER_03 4:06

We're gonna use the word struggle in the household without your father being there, and also at his household, how did things look for him? Was he struggling or was he like you struggling in

Mindset, Poverty, And Faith

SPEAKER_03 4:16

what way?

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Like mentally, physically, financially?

SPEAKER_03 4:19

For all figures of life. Yes, sometimes. Sometimes. What about your mom?

SPEAKER_01 4:24

Yeah, sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 4:25

So sometimes, all right, I'll take that.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

It depends like situations. This is like different years. I mean, I don't really consider myself poor, rich, or middle class. I call myself hood rich.

SPEAKER_03 4:40

Hood Rich. Hey, no, that's a that's a bar though, for real. There is a certain like position of standing that you have in your environments, right? We could say you left the Pope, right? Come from Savannah. They take me out of the Pope, but they can't take the Pope out of me. Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_01 5:00

I went to look for Roger Wood when I was in California. They ain't had it. Really? Yes.

SPEAKER_03 5:05

Dang. Dang, I didn't know that. That's crazy. I didn't know that. You see the difference between that, bro. Like, that's that's the whole context of your environment, of your perspective, of your environment, what you're upbringing versus Christians and Trill.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

That's that's the whole that's the whole aspect, right? I got like a combination of what they had going on. Like, because I can see my parents' divorce is way better than their marriage. If you skip like the first 10 years of the divorce, but definitely they they divorce is like couple goals in a way.

SPEAKER_03 5:40

Did they see each other like uh on a consistent basis?

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Like, you know, sometimes when they didn't need to.

SPEAKER_03 5:48

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we're gonna leave it right there. I know how what that looks like.

SPEAKER_01 5:52

But most of the time it was okay.

SPEAKER_03 5:54

Okay, okay, I'll take that as well, too. But you obviously see there were there was a part of his struggle, right? Like having to be brought up in that environment. Like you just touched on a point, you said, you know, having both families in the household, healthy relationships, they're not arguing, slapping each other between the wash and drying and all this stuff, and getting choked, you know, and all this craziness, then going back and, you know, tossing your clothes out the house, get choked, get out, you know, throwing your stuff outside just to be back together. You know, there's it's so much to uncover there, man. And sometimes it doesn't even matter what your social standing, which your household is, you can have it all and still have to go through those struggles. For sure. So the next episode we're gonna have on here

Access To Dad And Household Strain

SPEAKER_03 6:40

would be somebody that may have grew up wealthy, but his situation at home was just a tad bit complex. And you would say that his struggles actually limited him in certain aspects, right? Because he's rich. All right, I gotta say that again. A rich kid talking about how his mom and dad was struggling. You said hood rich, right? Yeah, hood rich. It's a specific type of hood rich, so you basically got it to where you were in a white neighborhood.

SPEAKER_01 7:14

I was in no white neighborhood. Oh, that's why I said hood rich.

SPEAKER_04 7:19

I was in a white neighborhood.

SPEAKER_01 7:20

Yeah. Okay. I grew up an all-black neighborhood. It's like, imagine you take a drop of the hood, a drop of the country, and just kind of blend it up together, and you get the best parts of it. Yeah. But Savannah is a small town, so you get like a small town vibe. Yeah. And like you don't know stuff is going on unless you live there.

SPEAKER_03 7:36

But that's facts. Like, they don't know, understand the crime rate, and Savannah was pretty it was pretty bad, man. Like I was out there. So it always came up. But thank God I was covering you as well, too, man, your family, bro. So, anyways, that in that context with being hood rich, right? You obviously in your environment had a different upbringing than everybody, even though you were from the same place as them.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

All my parents' kids came from each other.

SPEAKER_03 8:04

Like and you, how many, wait, how many brothers and sisters do you have?

SPEAKER_01 8:08

Um, I got one brother, one sister.

SPEAKER_03 8:10

Okay, all three of y'all. Well, y'all see that? It's only three of them, and they saying that. I'm thinking he about say, oh, it's like about five, six. I know, but you know, some people say, Oh, me and I got like five brothers and sisters from daddy's side. Absolutely. I know exactly what you mean by that.

SPEAKER_04 8:25

See, when you mentioned that, that be that wasn't a thing I realized was like, I guess, a benefit until I was either in college, really in college, when someone said, Oh, yeah, you get both your parents in the house, so you get you got all uh all from the same two parents. I was like, Yeah, but like, no different. I'm like, no, I'm like, you lucky. I'm like, lucky out. You see that criticism.

SPEAKER_03 8:45

I talked about that earlier. I said, was there ever a time somebody was like jealous and like you got both of the parents in the household, and you know, your privilege. That just sparked the memory.

SPEAKER_04 8:56

It came more at Howard, because at Howard you have basically everybody. You have people who, you know, go got it from the mud, maybe even like formerly incalcivated, whatever, or if it's just, you know, impoverished, but you also have the really wealthy there too. So you have all like socioeconomic class, black

Divorce, Peace, And Co‑Parenting

SPEAKER_04 9:11

life experiences at Howard. So it's like you're gonna see for some people gonna be um a little jealous of you because of like where you grew up in as opposed to other people. So it's just like that's I I didn't ever experience those types of comments until I got to college and like after like you know, getting out of my area, because like most of them, like even like growing up, most of my friends were white and Asian, like they had the parents in the household. So like I was even like my parents who they had black friends. I was just when I was growing up, I was in the band, I was a nerd, so like that's who I was around. But like my parents, even the black, we hung up with a lot of black families, and they had you know black fathers there too. So that's why I never really experienced, you know, people not having a mother and father in the household, because that's what I knew, and that's what's on TV.

SPEAKER_03 9:52

So the that's golden, man. Like that's that's literally like it gets in it the the weeds of how that perspective is growing up into married, you know, mom and dad households, man. Like it really gets into the weeds of how are things going. Like everybody has a curiosity, and also they're standing, they're stating what they think they know, right? You you got two parents, you're obviously successful, but they're not speaking from an aspect of them understanding. You get what I'm saying? It wasn't for you to know, right? Like, it wasn't for you to know, it's for you to understand it. So just because you had two parents in a household doesn't mean you experienced struggle. No, not at all. You know what I mean? You went through your own story, and then like for somebody to say criticized criticize you. Well, this guy. You know, don't shame, man. Don't shame, don't say, yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyways, I'll put both of y'all in the hot seat though. You feel me? But anyways, you don't got nothing to do with this. He kind of like the mediator. Like, I've been through both of y'all's situations. My name has been in a you feel me? At the same time, I'm around.

SPEAKER_04 11:14

I mean, it's very possible I could have been him, honestly. Somewhere possible. They just stuck it out, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 11:20

So you haven't seen yourself being like if based off your situation in your household, you said you could see yourself being Centel.

SPEAKER_04 11:29

Yeah, because like I said, growing up, my parents, they modeled for me like what I would want to do differently in a relationship, because I felt like my mom and dad, they're very headstrong. My dad was the only child. So my dad's actually an example of well, he had a father in the household, but it wasn't his biological father. He had uh my my papa stand to the day, you know, still alive, but he he basically based my dad because my dad's my biological grandfather, he was older than my grandmother because you know it was it

Wealth, Safety, And Different Hoods

SPEAKER_04 11:57

was it was the 60s and you know all that. So that's that so my talk about my aunt because my aunt she also lived in Savannah too. She's my half-aunt because you know he also had a child's turnout. But but essentially, like that's my maternal grandfather, maternal grandfather. Maternal grandfather, that's that that that's generations. But in terms of like growing up, like my guest, my dad, he was more old school in terms of like how to do things, and my mom, she she also had a two-parent household, so she knew she already had a father in the house, so she knew what you know structure and everything. So she had an idea of what the man should do in the house, while my father had some just different views and stuff. They but ahead a lot growing up. It was a lot of times where like they were like starting matches when I was younger, even, you know, MF3, yada yada, all that, this and that. I I, you know, for me as a child, you know, it's like, are they gonna break up? Like, is it gonna be a point where they, you know, is this the argument that they really break it? Because it wasn't like they would get into like these, really like big fistic hooks, like fighting, fights and whatnot, or like arguments, but it was just like, you know, it'd be the yelling, it'd be like the throwing and stuff, it'd be like the tiny things. You just you're just like, mm-hmm, like, and you then you feel it's as a child taking sides. So, you know, for the longest time I didn't like my dad because not because I didn't, you know, he was more the enforcer of things and everything, but it's just like, you know, I like my mom more, and that's just kind of what we how it, you know, the the liquid crumbled. But you know, as we got older, we kind of saw I I saw them kind of dedicated to themselves more, they worked together, they things that they in the past might have like, you know, blew up about their the you know, trying to be more standing more. And they even mentioned, you know, them going to marriage counseling so they can really make it work. So that's like one thing from growing up, you know, when I was younger, thinking like, okay, could it just be the argument that you know breaks it to see now how they you know make our making a choice to stay together and like our just trying to work through it and everything. And I mean, now of course it's like it's not our home, you know, the amazing you know, marriage, but like they've been together and they stay together, and I don't I don't see them really breaking up.

SPEAKER_03 14:00

So let's just say this, and that was great. Thank you for sharing that with us, Chris. Matter of fact, man, let me give you a round of applause for that way. Got something to say, man. Let's talk about it. You said, and I quote, that you could have been Centel based off your situation with your father. And you said that his viewpoints was different from your mother

Privilege, Envy, And College Perspective

SPEAKER_03 14:31

because she felt like she grew up in a two-parent household, and your grandfather at the time was providing. Was he the provider? He paid all the bills. Yeah, yeah. Let's stop right there. Take that thought. So your mother had a different point of view with how the household should be going, right? And your father, you say he had his own viewpoints. I know what I know I know what those viewpoints are. And it means like everybody played the role they that fit them at that time. I can play all positions in the NBA. You feel me? Point guard, shooting guard, small forward, power forward, center. Dropping over 30. Shout out to LeBron, I think. He probably, yeah, I think he did scratch all 30 for all 30 points and all of his positions, if I'm not mistaken. We can factor check that. But, anyways, I'm I'm a LeBron fan. I respect, I respect his legacy and his hard work. You know, I respect his legacy and hard work, but I'm not like about the glaze, you know, anybody around here. That's the term that they use nowadays when you give, you know, somebody on somebody's job. You know, it gives somebody somebody too much credit. But anyways, back to the nitty-gritty, right? Your father believed in both parents taking charge whenever set the you know, set fit for the you know, opposite, right? Your dad struggles, your mom steps in, your dad got it if your mom is struggling, right? Think about that in that context, though. Like, your dad obviously believed in a household that should be run a hundred percent on both ends. Right, your mom believed in like 50, you know, you you you take more, you're supposed to be taking control. So it's it's a hundred percent. But that can look different though. Like your mom's spending, was she like flashy? Like, and then you said y'all go to Digital every one's time. That's cool. They sound like your dad was pretty much like he knew within his, let's say budget and keep that good, like in business terms, in regards to what he can and can't do with you guys doing that time because of obviously the money. Was there ever a time that your mom had to step in to pay for something and had a problem with it? Or like, you know, did she assist your father, you know, in certain things? Like, or did your dad have to take what he had and make it work? Because that was, you know, how women say, what's mine's is mine's, is what's yours is mine. Right?

SPEAKER_04 17:10

Was that the type of when I was talking about more of the roads? I was more like my daddy in terms of like traditional gender roles, like the woman

Two Parents, Real Problems

SPEAKER_04 17:19

just cooks clean, you speak to her children, things of that nature. But the thing is, my mom also worked.

SPEAKER_03 17:24

And so let's stop right there. Because you're a host. He's a host.

SPEAKER_04 17:31

Not when I was younger. No laundry, no cooking. No. Now when I was younger. Like now, maybe a little different, a little bit, but like nah. Like it was, and that's what my mom hated. Like I think, and not just hated, but also like that was a biggest point of attention for them. She was like, I need help, like raising the kids. I've worked too, and I still gotta do all these tasks when I come home. Like, I just want some division of labor. And my dad from the countryside, because he grew up in South Georgia, middle Georgia more, but and outside of Augusta, he was more like, well, the woman does that, and I just work and I come home. So I think that was like a big thing that they had when I was growing up. But um I think that that definitely has changed. You know, uh my mom may still do more of the housework, but you know, my dad, he he definitely does, he'll do his part too.

SPEAKER_03 18:20

So, yeah, his housework, everything that you just said, thank you for dropping that gym, man. Because now I gotta get on here. Gotta grill you in a hot seat, man. Gotta grill you in a hot seat. Trill. My good brother. Your brother, right? And your mom. Did your house like this is, I guess you could say this is a personal question, but I'll tell you too. But anyways, did your was your house always like clean? Like uh when your mom came home from work, or I mean, me and my brother definitely took care of the house, you know.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

I mean, when she when she wasn't there, I mean, first of all, my brother was still her child, so like just keep that. You know, my mom definitely was a parent in the household. My brother just kind of like stepped in when she needed help, or like, you know, when she wasn't around, like she's at work, and maybe like it's summertime and we're out for school, just making sure that I'm doing the right things. But like, yeah, for sure, the house was definitely clean, man. You know, definitely did, you know, except for like when she asked me to take taking, you know, I mean, I might like forgot to do that, you know what I mean. But other than that, you know what I mean. That's a reference.

SPEAKER_03 19:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Christian, and thank you for sharing that trio. Christian. True. True, Christian, right? Y'all see the differential, how that plays in the household differently, and what perspective looks like and assumptions and all that, right? You got the two-parent household, you grew up perfect. They didn't argue, they didn't fight. You got everything that you wanted. All the bright

Gender Roles And Division Of Labor

SPEAKER_03 20:00

lights, all the stuff at Christmas, gifts stacked all the way up to the ceiling, right? And mine's just like a little envelope. Like, this is all this is all Christians, and you guys, we got you uh these you know, coupons. Like, you know what I mean? Like, what you getting with? A pair of pants, blue jeans. I already got this shade of blue. Right, socks. Then they don't get you no Nike tech socks, they get you the big lone.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 20:31

This is not Nike. Like, that's that's but you see what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02 20:38

Perspective, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 20:39

Perspective. Yeah. His brother cleaned up, played the role, like, right? The gender role of a male figure of a father. He told him that advice, things like that, right? Your father was active and he was present. And y'all still had issues. And the house was not clean. How the hell would you do that?

SPEAKER_04 21:00

The house was clean. The house was clean, it just wasn't clean by him. Well, he did clean it. He's a clean freak. I will say that he's a clean freak. But in terms of like, I guess, cooking and uh washing the dishes and laundry, that was my mom. But he's a clean freak, he definitely was clean.

SPEAKER_03 21:13

So did was the house clean to the standard of your father, and your mother just didn't like the way he cleaned. She wanted it in her own way.

SPEAKER_04 21:23

Well, my father's also very much a minimalist, so he doesn't want anything like he just like wants things to be as like minimal as possible. He wants to want any junk around. So it's not up to his standards, but it is clean though.

SPEAKER_03 21:36

Everything has to have a place, and I understand that too.

SPEAKER_04 21:39

So But you know, he he if he could if he complains, he may not. Back in those times, he may not have done anything about it. He just like, we're just okay, whatever. But but yeah, he just doesn't like anything. Like if it if it doesn't uh go along with the theme of the decor the decorations, he wants it out, basically. And that's like not having anything in the house, basically.

SPEAKER_03 21:57

Did Jim have a problem with that going on?

SPEAKER_04 21:59

I mean, it didn't issue really. He if he wanted the vacuum, he did, but he didn't really like well, actually, he would move stuff and I would anger her a little bit because it's like where are you putting the stuff at? Because, you know, that's also my house too. And that's also the thing too, he would do things on his own because he was the only child, so it was like he didn't have to um listen to anybody or like you know, he didn't have to like basically, you know, have me having a younger brother had to like, you know, talk to him about things and you know, share things. Yeah, so he'd have to have to like adhere to someone else's rules, essentially. So I guess he kind of came into the marriage with that, you know, doing things on his terms, and not on like a couple's terms. But you know, they've they're working for that.

Cleaning, Control, And Minimalism

SPEAKER_03 22:40

That's a lot of to to actually think about.

SPEAKER_00 22:46

Today's conversation showed us that struggle wears many faces. For some, it's growing up without a father in the house. For others, it's living in a home where both parents are present. But peace isn't. We learned that wealth doesn't protect you from pain and poverty doesn't define your worth, that hood rich and white neighborhood rich can both carry the same emptiness if love is missing. Whether your father was down the street or across the country, what matters is the impact, the structure he built, or the silence he left behind. Because absence isn't just physical, sometimes it's emotional, spiritual, invisible, and heavy. But talking about it, that's how we lift the weight. This has been episode two of In His Shadow and His Absence in our Real Voices, Real Stories, Real Growth.