Eden Equips
Welcome to Eden Equips, the podcast that shares real stories and practical tools to help parents, carers, and educators feel equipped for the journey of raising and supporting neurodivergent children and young people.
Eden Equips
Episode 022 with Tory Stirling
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How do you keep looking after everyone else without losing yourself?
Rebecca chats with therapist Tori Stirling about self-compassion, therapy, burnout, and supporting the emotional wellbeing of parents and carers of neurodivergent children. A gentle, honest conversation with practical encouragement.
Welcome to Eatin' Equips, a podcast that shares real stories, practical tools to help parents, carers, educators feel equipped for the journey of raising and supporting neurodivergent children and young people. Whether you are tuning in with a coffee in the car, you have a rare, precious quiet moment, I am so glad you're here and thank you so much for listening. Today I am joined by Tori Sterling, founder of Your Story Therapy, a Newton Abbey-based therapy service supporting adults experiencing anxiety and overwhelmed. Tori is a trauma-informed psychotherapist who works relationally, strong focus on attunement, safety, acceptance, and so much of Tori's work involves supporting parents and cares of neurodivergent children, particularly around anxiety, identity, emotional impact that can come with caregiving. Tori led a workshop at our recent conference called Finding Steady Ground. I loved that title you give us: Supporting Emotional Well-being of Adults Who Care for Neurodivergent Children and Young People, some of which the topics we're going to get into today. Tori, thank you so much for being here. Delighted to have you with us. And I think even just as I'm like describing some of that, I'm sure so many parents and carers, professionals tuning in will go, Oh, this is about me today, you know, of like actually looking at ourselves, which sometimes is really uncomfortable. Yeah, absolutely. And that's a huge part of your job, right? Is helping and supporting people kind of journey through that. I think a great place to start if anyone listening who's kind of first coming across you. Yeah. What drew you to this work? How did we end up here?
SPEAKER_00Um, so therapy, I suppose I'm quite late uh to therapy, and I only trained in my mid-30s. Um, so before that I worked in school settings um with special uh educational needs, um, primary and post-primary. Um, before that I was a full-time mum. And so I've got uh two teens and a twin now. And then before that, uh many months ago I actually trained to be a teacher. Um and yeah, so lots of that. I suppose I'm I'm grateful for lots of those things because they kind of um influence a lot of the work now, and I can't have a lot of that to um to carry and inform the work, yeah. Um but yeah, I suppose I was always really drawn to relating at depth, and you know, people have said you're so deep, and you know, I can do small talk and I'm happy to for a bit, but I'll always want to get to the big stuff, yes, and really um you know, if I'm asking how are you, I I genuinely want you to tell me how you're doing and I'm really curious around that, and um also probably life events and suffered you know my own traumatic losses and um complexities around that and therapy was actually really helpful for me too, and not that I needed advice or told what to do or fixed, but I actually really benefited just from somebody offering me the space, I suppose, to um just be open about how things were for me and really just being heard, yeah. And so I knew from the other side then too that yes, I am a you know a really good listener by nature, but I also really valued being heard and being given that space, so um I decided to become a therapist like mid-30s um and started my own practice when I turned 40. Amazing.
SPEAKER_01So yeah, and it's great work, and I think it's it's interesting because there's so many like maybe like assumptions or certain feelings around therapy and therapeutic practices that people maybe can be still quite uncomfortable with with it. You've maybe seen a slight change in that too. It's been taught a lot more openly as well. I'm a big advocator for it, and I think beautifully what you put there is like it's actually just giving space for somebody. Like I know in my own journey and through like therapy and attending it for for quite a period of time, that's what I realized. I realized having a space where I was able to talk about things where the person wasn't emotionally attached to me was really freeing. Yeah, because I'm always so conscious of like holding others up and supporting other people. And if I'm talking about stuff in depth, so even like I have so many people who love and support me in life, but to talk so freely, like I could be incredibly raw and say things without any form of like cushioning for another person's emotions. I find that so freeing. And I think even with the kind of path we'll probably go down today, talking about for professionals and parents and carers in this space, uh, that's something that they don't have an awful lot of.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, so I think something you're saying there is the the freedom and knowing that you don't need to take responsibility for me in therapy, and for a lot of clients, that that's actually really unusual for them. They haven't really had that before, and uh in session, sometimes actually they will try and take a little bit of responsibility for me, or they'll say something and apologise for this is too much, or I'm sorry to have to tell you this, or you've had to listen to me for this hour, or you know, and there can be challenge there with you don't need to apologize, and this is my role to hear you, and um working at that a little bit as in what that need is about and why you feel yeah. Yeah, you're responsible for me because you're not, and I'm responsible for me, and I can look after my own needs, and that can be a real shift for people, um, especially mums and um parents who that is just their main role of preempting and taking care of everybody and everybody's needs, yeah, um, everybody's emotions all the time, everybody's happiness, and they just carry that a lot.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And would it be something that you would really like obviously you really care about it and you're very passionate about it, but like recommend to most people or therapy, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like um, I mean I think that's the thing too. Like, people think um I can't go because things aren't bad enough, and I haven't been through enough, you know, crazy bad stuff. And um, but a lot of therapy can just be really personal growth and just getting to know yourself um better and untangling some stuff and unpicking some things and some behaviors or some things you find tricky and you just want to find out a bit more about why, you know, it doesn't have to be um massive trauma or um huge big life events that you've got to speak about.
SPEAKER_01I think you're right. That's probably a big misconception in terms of like it has to be. I even remember in my start of my journey with it, it was very much I went with one thing in mind in terms of like, yeah, absolutely, I need to unpick that. That was like really traumatic. There's lots of stuff going on there. However, like minimal time I spent talking about them. Yeah, and I you know, and you're like, oh no, you know, but like it was so freeing and so much of that to understand myself in a greater level, to like even with work stuff, like to be able to go and release it a wee bit, or like unpick why does my brain feel like I have to do certain things or behave in certain ways. And I think even like this is probably jumping to the part I thought we, you know, we go to after, but even natural way into that. That was what you talked about in the workshop quite a lot, I think. So you came and kind of said to me of like, I really care about this, I'd love to share this with parents, and I'm so glad you did. Of that supporting the emotional well-being of adults who care for neurodivergent children and young people. Don't often see that title for a workshop, you know, in terms of it's supporting the young person, and here's all you need to know about the young person. I think what's really interesting for me when I'm doing training is we start talking about the young person, but we also have to talk about the adults in terms of the teachers, the youth workers, like where are you guys at? How do you feel in those moments? Like, what do you notice going on in your body or the parents and what actually is happening? Yeah, why do you believe that that topic is such an important area for support? So, adults, emotional well-being of adults you care for neurodivergent children.
SPEAKER_00Uh it's because those those are the people that I that I work with, you know, they are the clients who come um for therapy, and um I um I'm a parent myself, so I I get it, you know, it's a lot, and um the focus primarily is on the child. And lots of parents, particularly mums, you know, they just haven't had opportunity to speak about how things are for them and the weight of it all and the toll it takes um with anybody, and in some ways that's um they're they're so isolated in that, you know, there's there's just no space, there's no room. Um, and the expectation is that you know you just push on and keep going. Um and yeah, it could just be all become too much.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I I've noticed a real well it's always happened, but I think probably I've just got more comfortable with like you know responding to it in my sessions, is like the amount, you know, like of emotion that comes across um and then the immediate apology that happens, and I feel like you don't have to apologize. That's fine. This is fine. Like, I'm really glad you feel safe enough to release emotion here. And I think a lot of it happens because and I hope this is you know, in terms of like they feel kind of seen for the first time and heard or given a space to be like, this is hard. And I think so much of parenting or like teaching or profession is like putting on the front, you know, I keep going, gotta just keep doing. Here I am. I'm just going through the motions in those moments. So when someone gives you a wee bit of space back to that space, and to be like, How are you actually finding it? Then that emotion of I'm actually exhausted. Yeah. And I didn't think this is the life that I was gonna have.
SPEAKER_00No, totally. And I suppose when somebody comes in for therapy, there might be a sense of um, what do you you know, what might this professional do? Or what might they say, because they have been in so many other situations where they were told what to do, or if you just try this, this this will probably work and this will probably fix things a bit. And here's another strategy, and actually what they need most of most of all is just to be heard, yeah, and just for someone to offer them some safety in that and compassion. And I am not gonna give you a bunch of strategies today, but tell me more about what that's like for you and the impact of that, and um yeah, there's something really significant just about that space, then which we don't do a lot because we want the answers, we want how do I do this, how do you fix this, how do you change this, what can I do?
SPEAKER_01And actually, like that was kind of the theme of the conference, I guess, of like reclaiming trust of yourself, yeah, like slowing the pace down a wee bit to be like, I know my child, I know this situation, yes, there's things I can learn and take on board for sure, yeah. But if if we do that too much, we lose sense of ourselves, I guess, a week.
SPEAKER_00And I think lots of parents, because they've focused on the child so much, and rightly so, you know, they have lost themselves and lost their identity. Yeah, so a lot of therapy is working at um, you know, actually connecting, connecting back to yourself again, like what might that look like. Um that can be really tricky for people because they don't really know like if I am like what do you need? I don't know. Uh it's been a long time since I've asked myself that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um because my focus has been on my child or my own. Yeah. Yeah. And um almost like permission for that, it's okay for us to think a little bit about what you might need. Yeah. Um and let's just start really small, even, um and sort of a lot more self-compassion. Like we talked about that at the conference a bit. Because the parents find that really difficult to tap into, you know, um so much for other people and really aware of what other people need. Yeah, and offering it and making space for it, but a lot of resistance then to themselves, and maybe a bit of fear around what that might feel like to be kinder to yourself and then what might that mean, you know, what changes might that have to mean. And um like we did like a little exercise of compassion circles, yeah, and getting people to draw those out. And actually, the you know, the biggest one is always the circle that represents how much you have for other people, and most people are like, you know, massive circle, and you know, how much then can you receive from other people? So if someone's trying to be kind to you or support you, draw me a circle to represent that. And most people their circle is smaller, and then the final one is how much you have for yourself, like draw me a circle for that. And like lots of clients have literally done a dot in session because they just I find it very hard to connect with and not very much compassion for their own story or their own needs or how life feels for them.
SPEAKER_01And how would I begin that? Like, if I'm listening to this and I'm like, oh my goodness, that's really resonating. I don't think I've got any compassion for myself. Like, even in terms of I'm thinking, even for like educators or professionals, listening, huge hearts, huge care, huge pouring out into others, but then they're like, I'm not doing a good enough job, I'm feeling I need to do more. There's a lot of lack of that self-compassion. Where do I even begin to give myself? What does self-compassion look like? What is it?
SPEAKER_00Probably starting small is key as well. Like we're you know, I was saying at the conference, like I am not saying here like a you know, a week at Galgorm is um self-compassion, you know, would be lovely, but yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, we don't, we're busy, we're parents, we're working, and actually just starting small, like low stakes things, even like where in your day can you carve out 10 minutes, you know. There there will be 10 minutes there. Somewhere what do you need, or what could you offer yourself there that might be quite restorative? And I mean it's different for everybody. There there are, you know, what I find restorative is not the same as what you do, and um sort of really making a lot of time for what um brings you joy or what regulates you, what your nervous system responds to. You know, not everybody likes a warm bath. It's some people want to go out with really loud music in their ears and you know, piece of pavement for an hour and they feel a lot better. And it's just making a little bit more room to consider that for yourself.
SPEAKER_01And I think that's important the small things because I think even when I'm having conversations, a big part of what I hear, and I really understand it, like capacity levels and things like that, and obviously it's that whole like everyone has a really different like 24 hours in their day and like space in their day to do certain things based on whether I'm a single parent or I have multiple children, I'm a large family, or I'm in a setting where I'm very like financially privileged, like there's loads of differences, I guess, within that. But I think what I'm hearing is that going into like self-compassion of noticing for me with where I'm at, what can I give myself in this moment, you know, of like those tiny, we carved out moments. And I'm sure you hear it a lot of being like, I don't have time, or I don't, I don't have space to do that. And actually it's coming back to the like, well, actually, coming back to yourself. We but what do I actually enjoy? What did I I'm seeing that whole you've probably seen as well on social media, that retrend of like you know, finding my loves of like what I did as a kid that we enjoy. Yeah, and I'm like, that's so I love that like being able to identify again because we lose it a wee bit, but it is really important to note that it's not like a one-size-fits-all, it's not gonna be sitting reading with we're reading for 10 minutes for everybody or colouring or things like that, it's gonna be really different, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, yeah, and just what you're saying there, it's really interesting on like the playfulness and kind of what can how can you engage with that side of yourself just even a little bit. Um, you know, I had a client recently who um been diagnosed in her 30s and um autistic, and you know, she was saying like actually got the Lego back out and really enjoying that and just kind of connecting with a part of herself that she hasn't for so long, and what that means for her like authentic joy, nearly, yeah, and just being able to set aside how this is perceived, or there's might be some judgment around this. You know, I'm an adult who's enjoying Lego, totally fine. Like, um, I actually really enjoy this, and now I make a little bit of time for this as well.
SPEAKER_02I like that, yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I think like it is that connecting. I had a gorgeous thing recently for myself that I noticed, like, obviously, we're like really gorgeous weather recently, and we had got like water pistols um for for the family, and I grew up in a big family, so like siblings, and I'm incredibly close to all my siblings adore them, but like I grew up with that, like play was a huge part of my childhood of like, and it was lovely being in a one of five because if you know if you felt like a one, there was plenty of others to be friends with in that moment, but like water fights and like painting with water and things like that were just like a gorgeous part of my childhood that I loved, and I find myself running around frantically with these water pistols, like laughing so much with our little one and my husband and stuff. And you know, when you're in that moment, you're like, Oh, this is like I feel incredibly connected to myself. Like, we just have a like rebrief moment that you're like, Whoa, I feel so present. But I was reflecting on that, and I was like, Why was that so like gorgeous that moment? And I was like, Oh, because that like brought me back also to a place where I felt really safe previously and what my life was. And I think it is that being able to connect in to yourself, which is hard. And I think if you don't know it or recognise it, it's really, really difficult. And for parents and carers, especially for neurodivergent individuals, there's a high amount of stress, you know, loads of research has been done with like the amount of PTSD and likening um your survival instincts in your brain and the growth of amygdala and things like that. There's there's a complexity to this as well. So connecting to myself is nearly a little part, carving out a wee bit of time as well. Um, and I and I think even being able to hear that, if if I'm listening, I'm like, I'd love to like step into that a wee bit further. Like, what what is my next step with that?
SPEAKER_00Even for probably picking up there on what you said around safety, do you know? And and that's a big um thing, you know, massive part of therapy, but for yourself, like learning what it feels safe to do and why it doesn't, and what what is the fear there? Do you know um even for that client that it is safe to have a box of Lego in her front room that she plays with? Um were lots of clients, things they maybe would have enjoyed in the past. They were told that you can't do that. Yeah, you're told that that doesn't work. And even as a kid, you know, that things that weren't acceptable or were um you know judged or um not understood very well, that they kind of shut a lot of that down then and to sort of um go back to a little bit of that, but safely is a wee bit of a journey for people, do you know? Yeah, it takes time, yeah, it takes time, just go slowly with it, and um you know, if you're around people that kind of make you feel safe or an environment where it feels safe, then really kind of dabbling into that a little bit more, yeah, precious.
SPEAKER_01And I think your what I love so much about your work and your language and everything is you know, you're not afraid to kind of challenge the traditional approaches in it, um, and talk about that a little bit in terms of you do you talk about your neuroaffirming practice, um, you're very open on social media and your website about traditional therapeutic tools can feel invalidating or ineffective. Yeah, yeah. I think that's why people fear it because you go into a setting, you're like, oh, what the heck is this? You know, and people have had terrible situations within that. Like, I think sorry, no. I think if you're like you're sharing for like autistic clients and stuff, and an individual, sorry, that you work with, um I'm sure that there's been stories there that it's really tricky. So, what are those practices? Why is it what why is neurofarming important and what does it mean in the therapeutic world?
SPEAKER_00There's a lot of questions there. Um so lots of clients have come and experienced therapy before that wasn't helpful. Yes. Um, so they can come in quite nervous then because it's almost like I've I've failed at therapy before or I had therapy before and it didn't work for me. Um and quite often it's not that at all, but it probably was the approach um that didn't work. It's nothing to do with them.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00And good to hear. Uh yeah. So you know, CBT, uh, you know, not to criticize approaches because um they're all valid in the day, but um, you know, there can be elements of CBT that don't work for neurodivergent client because that they are it's very much like your thoughts are distorted and your ways of thinking are distorted. And you know, that kind of negative thinking, oh, you're just catastrophizing here and let's work at changing that. Um when actually the client the the way they are responding is is totally in line with their own body and what their nervous system is is screaming, so that can be really difficult then. Ah, this is just something I need to change about how I'm thinking about this, and that kind of compounds then the shame and the idea that they're they're a failure.
SPEAKER_01Like oversensitive, highly reactive, all that language of being like you're dr you're being dramatic. But no, my body's actually telling me I'm I'm unsafe here.
SPEAKER_00Yes, totally. So need to be really careful with that. And it's not that you can't use that, but it's just to be really aware of the client's neurology and how that well then that might fall outside some aspects of CBT. So we need to be just really careful in the way that we're using it and really listening super closely to what the client's experience is rather than jumping in with all our techniques and um you know, neurodivergent clients can just find CBT. A lot of it's like score based and um kind of qualitative stuff, and it's just I don't know how to score my anxiety for. one to ten, I I don't you know, or how do from last week? And they're like, last week? I don't know. Like that, even the ta What's the scale? Talk to me about what am I feeling what's what day of the week is it? You know, absolutely. So that kind of and a lot of I suppose was was formed around neuro neuronormative frameworks and ways of thinking and it just doesn't work. Um like you know solution based um approaches as well are kind of very uh I I mean they can work to a certain extent but they're very quick and here's what you need to do and here's what the problem is and that um kind of urgency around that and the speed and you know some clients have maybe been through an agency where you get six weeks and that's not the agency's fault. That's you know the fun of the funding they have but there is kind of like there's a beginning a middle and an end here and and we really need goals and you know if you're a client and you you want to go slower or your pace is slower or you process actually slower or there's a PDA profile there. So actually that that urgency is a demand now that I need to do therapy quick. Yes and it doesn't work um and behavioural approaches you know some of them are um really kind of subtly how can I make you more like me? That's what I'm really trying to do. Sometimes not so subtle when you actually look at it like a minute you know like thinking of that's not the goal all the social stuff that was so popularized of like social classes and all like one conversation has to be ping pong and that's really what we're trying, you know so how can we get better at that or eye contact or whatever it is to sort of make you more neurotypical and really moving away miles away from a neuroaffirming approach there. But you know a neuroaffirming approach is it's um entirely inherently relational so you're always coming back to the client and what their needs are and what their experience is and very focused on that. Yeah and I have no interest in making you more like me you know how are things for you and what do you want and need um and and actually the the healing I suppose and the the work is the relationship that is the whole point of it. Yeah rather than what I might do to you you know how can I be with you today so how can I come alongside you? That is probably the core of it to be seen like yeah yeah but I think some therapists saying that becomes tricky because when when they hear a client's neurodivergent they can really subtly shift into ah okay well what am I going to do for you today now that I know you're neurodivergent so I'm gonna take out the ticking clock and I'm gonna dim the lights and I'm they shift into uh now I do and they forget that actually it's just about how to be with the person and be rather than what things aren't do or yes yeah I hear that. To be aware of them but that does not make you neuroaffirming. No.
SPEAKER_01Removing a wee tech in clock it's not a neuroaffirming practice.
SPEAKER_00No and so we can get really um kind of in dangerous waters there with that and just murky the yeah just a checklist of things to get done and now I'm neuroaffirming but you have missed the whole point.
SPEAKER_01I'm I'm so glad you said that Tori because I think I love the language around neurofirming I talk about it so much but I'm nervous it's gonna become our next like awareness language of oh I'm this and you've got to we certificate up somewhere but actually what are you doing how are you being rather than what do you do I like that about when you look at neurofirming for what it actually is you're like it's not here's your toolkit of strategies it's uh well how are we being what's this gonna look like what are we what are your thoughts actually what are maybe some subconscious things that popped up that you nearly need to change in terms of being like that you're gonna go in and yeah I'm gonna make you more comfortable with being able to socialize and actually you're like whoa why do I feel like I need to push that upon this person and do they want yeah and I think that's a really interesting thing I'm sure for like professionals to listen to too and be like oh okay it's more than that. Yeah. And actually it's nearly more simple than that because it's just about being with the person.
SPEAKER_00Yeah there's such curiosity and I think that's a key part is in I have really no idea how you experience life and what things are feel like for you.
SPEAKER_01And you know I have my own lens and that's okay that I do but to um ask the question how is that for you and you're talking about anxiety how do you experience that um I know how I do but I'm really interested in how that feels for you and to be entirely inherently curious about the other person you know is a is a massive part of being neuroaffirming and never to sort of feel certain around I know anything really that what you need or what you might want or um how you can heal or it's a dangerous place and I actually feel like it's a big red flag when I hear people saying no I know there is I know everything there's to know like that and I'm like oh do really my gosh I could do I could like we time traveled here or something you know like I I do I get nervous when I hear that because I'm like ah there's gonna be so many yeah misconceptions assumptions because every child you meet every adult you meet has had a different story to get to the point that they're at so I even had to like reflect on how I was interacting for some like autistic adults that you know is just like who were sharing their story with me and I'd nearly jump in and I'd be like that's amazing thing you know da da da and I'd be like whoa Rebecca you've just assumed that that's great because you're trying to be like I I advocate I'm an ally kind of thing but I realized that I was nearly saying that their journey had been something that it potentially hadn't been so changing my approach to being like thank you so much for sharing that with me like what's that experience been like for you tell me what so it yeah tell me about that. Curious isn't it rather than yeah oh great like that's so cool like oh come on you know and is that like being gentle in your own learning as well and I I I'd love to kind of bring that in then around like tools and resources with our quick equip game that we kind of play is there one tool or resource that you love that's so hard. You're like many. Yeah there's so many um I guess spin theory is really helpful like probably a lot of your listeners are aware of spin theory maybe say that no I keep saying that in training when I'm talking about it I'm like you're probably all aware of this never heard of it. Okay.
SPEAKER_00So go spin theory is so helpful I probably am guilty of that as well and assuming a lot of clients know and so many are like never heard of it. Oh have you not you're like wait are you not on my algorithm? Yeah yeah yeah um so spin theory is so helpful especially for neurodivergent adults because it is it's just an energy accounting system really a lot and just sort of thinking uh you have a certain amount of spins for a day and they represent your energy um but the interesting thing is how that energy is used then and what takes it and that is highly highly individual and quite often what takes a neurodivergent adult's energy is so outside of a neurotypical's kind of awareness is then how come that costs you so much and I can do that with my eyes closed and it costs me nothing. So for a neurodivergent adult to become really aware of their energy and their capacity because actually their existence is is probably one of fluctuation and always has been uh but kind of neuro uh normative kind of expectations is consistency is golden yes and you must do everything Monday to Friday same time and with the same amount of motivation and enthusiasm and actually their nervous system and their body just says nope I I don't have that.
SPEAKER_01And isn't that important because I hear it so much in schools being like yeah but they they found this fine last week.
SPEAKER_00Yeah yeah so the knowledge of actually no this is okay that I can't today then and once you kind of fluctuating capacity become more aware of that you're much kinder to yourself and the compassion can kick in. Yes and less of that failure thought I wonder yeah and just to challenge that notion a bit that it consistency is not everything and it it's actually okay that today I I need a bit of downtime or I don't have the capacity and so what might that mean and then in therapy we'd probably be looking at well now when you think about boundaries because you do tend to give a lot of your time away and you might need to start looking at saying no a little bit more and carving out time for yourself or maybe you do need to be in bed by half eight and that's okay. Yeah yeah so let's think about how we can make that happen. Yeah let's look at that practically love yeah yeah spin theory spin theory is brilliant yeah so helpful a mindset that helps you a mindset that helps me um it's probably self-compassion you know it's like kind of at the core of a lot of my work is just uh how can we get to a more compassionate place for ourselves and our needs and what we are holding and managing and um you know it's like the antidote to shame and guilt and you know lots of us have like an an inner critic and it just is so loud sometimes and actually compassion can just come alongside and it's not that we can get rid of that inner critic necessarily it's there but can we find another voice you know that is a more compassionate voice. Yeah and sometimes that inner critic it's not actually our own voice it's some it's someone else you know it's a parent or it's an old teacher and the message is stuck and it's so loud sometimes it's it's sort of um hearing it but also looking or fighting for another another voice actually a more compassionate one yeah that I tend to have for other people.
SPEAKER_01Yeah it's really helped me a lot actually personally um journey through that a lot still is like goodness me I could list you everything that I haven't done rather than what I have done. Like I'm really I'm very good at that. Yeah and and I realized I think what you know even just having time to do a lot of reflection stuff on this of how that entered every sphere of my life then I was like oh I hate that house I got everywhere because the inner critic like hijacked everything of like my sport and oh rubbish you're not gonna be able to do this. Yeah and I really struggled I was like looking at like sport psychology then because I was like what what's happening here like but even like I'm laughing even like thinking about this because yesterday I was out for a run like I was like oh my gosh I was doing the intervals and I was like absolutely like out of breath like run I love sport like running movement is my regulator and I'm like doing this like really pushing myself and I'm like I've got one left and I'm like out loud I'm running pain like you can do this you're so strong look at you go and I'm like oh my gosh if anyone hurt me they're like what is what's going on for her there but like I actually have to push it because sometimes especially when I'm really tired yeah my inner critics like you're rubbish I can't believe you still find this so hard like why can't you run this fast yet like it really spirals very quickly and it feels so true.
SPEAKER_00I think it's like voice can be so familiar.
SPEAKER_01Yeah right yeah and you're like oh that that's true and it's here it is challenge it for another and it feels uncomfortable challenging it too because you're like this feels a bit a bit strange yeah but I think like even hearing that and like parenting how lovely like I encourage parents like think about the glimmers like if your inner critic is loud name three things you've done really well today.
SPEAKER_00Yeah because I could always be like I'll tell you 20 that I feel you know and I think nearly as parenting world you get pushed to that a wee bit too that improvement I love that piece of advice to leave everyone with piece of advice um there's something about uh the willingness or the awareness that you can participate in your own story and lots of clients you know it's because life has been so difficult and there's been so much challenge that they almost lose their agency and actually bringing them back a little bit to what needs to change even small changes yeah um what do you want to learn like where do you need support right what help what do you what do you want to do and and tapping into that a little bit more so that they get a sense of this is my own story and the story of my children and young people and we I can participate in this. That's huge actually yeah and just that kind of like what's going to bring you back what can connect you back into that because you have lost that sense and everything just feels dictated to and told and uh no like we can make some changes here and you actually there's a lot of power and agency in that and you know the sort of um yeah just a hope as well that this is your own story and you you know there there is a societal expectation that there are there always will be but we get to challenge that right and we get to say that doesn't work for me and this actually suits us a lot better and um this is what it looks like for us to participate in our own story.
SPEAKER_01So good and yeah love that really good advice Tori thank you so much I think just even for closing that um I hope people find it really I knew they will have like probably a bit challenging at times too of listening and hearing and encouraging within that on their own journey.
SPEAKER_00If I'd like to step into that how do I do it how do I step into like therapeutic world in terms of I'm listening to this maybe as a parent car and I was like I could do with this can I contact you directly how does it like uh website or Instagram or yeah reach out and um you know therapy in person or online or whatever works for you.
SPEAKER_01Nice lovely yeah absolutely that'd be great and we'll put some of the details in the in the notes as well just so people can access that easily and um like thank you for the work you're doing it's so important and thank you for coming and sharing this today as well. And thanks everyone for listening thank you.