Nurse Kerry's Story of Overcoming Grief, Poor Coping Mechanisms, and New Beginnings

In this episode, I chat with Kerry about how grief over the deaths of several people close to her caused her downward spiral. Kerry shares how she ineffectively used alcohol to cope and how her life fell apart because of it. 

If you can resonate with Kerry’s story, and are in a place to be able to help, click the link to her Go Fund Me, and let’s help her get her nursing license reinstated!

https://www.gofundme.com/u/cc91526d-ec04-432c-8f0e-070b44188713

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:18

Okay, so we're here with Carrie, and I knew Carrie from when I first became a nurse. I was working at a skilled nursing facility, and Carrie was there. So we really haven't kept in too much contact, but it sounds like your life's been through some stuff since then.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Yeah, it's been a little chaotic since I think uh I don't know. The last time I talked to you really was around jazz. It's been a long time.

SPEAKER_05 0:54

Yeah, that was horrible times. So we both lost a common friend who we knew from that facility, and she was a nurse. Well, I went to nursing school with her and I was very, very close with her. And then she ended up dying from cancer, and it was really traumatizing for everybody. Would you say that's like one of the losses that you were?

SPEAKER_00 1:18

Yeah, that that was one of the things kind of leading into all of it, honestly, was that because it was so unexpected. And you know, and being a hospice nurse, it it was just like of all the people in the world, I wouldn't have thought that for her. So I know it was traumatic.

SPEAKER_05 1:43

It was very traumatic. I know. She was like the like the light wherever you go, she was the lay, and that was a horrible loss we all suffered.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

Yeah. So there, but for her and I, but yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 2:00

Well, what happened when you left or after that?

SPEAKER_00 2:04

Tell us how everything spiraled down after well the spiral kind of had started. So I was working skilled nursing here, and then took a hospice home health position down in Coose Bay. And so I was living in Bandon, working out at Coose Bay, and loved my house, loved my co-workers, all that stuff was there for about a year, and my the gentleman that I was renting from decided to sell his house. Um, so I had to move out. But before that, Dandon is really a dead town. There's nothing there. On the beach, it's it's on the beach, but there's really not a whole lot going on there. I mean, it's Oregon Beach, so it's rocky, it's you know yeah. And so I was hanging out with my co-workers in Coose Bay. The problem is that everything in Coose Bay and Bannon is related to bars. Uh, there is no other social life there. So that became kind of a problem, and I was isolated. I I had my two teenage boys work here in Bend, and so I would come up here every other weekend to spend time with them, or on their vacations, they'd come down and stay with me. But it was lonely, you know. I just didn't have anything.

SPEAKER_05 3:50

Did you move there for the job?

SPEAKER_00 3:52

I moved there for the job. Okay, yeah, I moved from here to there for the job, and then you know, finding out the the place that I absolutely loved. I loved this house, it was so awesome. Quirky little house. But I didn't have enough to be able to buy that house, or I would have. Yeah, so I'd gotten in this habit of, you know, when my kids weren't around, you know, I'd go home, I'd drink. It wasn't as bad as it got after that after I moved back. But so anyway, I moved back here, and my first position was as a nurse for a retirement home. And I was the you know, the wellness coordinator there. And that got bad, just the politics around those is just ridiculous.

SPEAKER_05 4:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:00

And got in a verbal argument with my supervisor, lost that job, and then went back to work at the skilled nursing facility. At that point, I was at the skilled nursing for a little while and then went to work for for another hospice here in town. That's when things got bad. I I realized, you know, because most of most of my service had been in hospice. And so the unfortunate thing with hospices, death is around you all the time.

SPEAKER_05 5:43

Yeah, it is.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

And then I started losing family members. They were dying, yeah, and friends, and so it just compounded on me, and I just went into a really bad coping of alcohol and separating myself from everybody.

SPEAKER_05 6:13

Why do you think you were separating yourself?

SPEAKER_00 6:16

Uh hey, I I I didn't want to put myself in anything with me. It was easier to you know, and I I when I when I moved back here, I was I moved in with my boyfriend at the time, and you know, it just unfortunately that meant I separated from him. I separated from everybody. Um and using alcohol as a bad coping mechanism lost me my hospice job. So I went through monitoring and all that with the state and decided, no, I cannot do this job anymore. So I forfeited my license and just said no, I I can't. I can't even have it out there as a possibility until I deal with my stuff. And you know, so I I did do some admissions stuff for caregivers and stuff like that. I did that because I you know had the ability to do that. I obviously wasn't monitoring patients or anything. And then had so many disagreements about the way that that stuff was run. Wound up just going, nope, I'm I'm I'm out, I'm out. I can't I can't do this anymore.

SPEAKER_05 7:49

Yeah. Was there one event or like like a period of time that led to you like alcohol alcohol interfering with your job?

SPEAKER_00 8:02

I had a couple events with it uh where it interfered with my job. But there was one major event where it led me to go, no, I can't even deal with the caregiving side of this anymore. Um because but because the way the systems are set up to to fail you. You know, and it the place that I worked for told me I had to admit this person, period. After a minute. I went out there, he would not let me in his house.

SPEAKER_04 8:40

Oh well.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

And so I did a visual from the windows in the house, did all that, talked to him on the porch, he would talk to me out on the porch. But I'm like, I I can't do a visual inspection of the house. He will not let me in. So I I ran through my admin, they admitted him, and then it turned out that it just went really bad. And then they blamed me. And I'm like, I told you I could not do it. You decided to admit. So it came down to to that, and that was when I went, oh no, I'm not I'm not dealing with this Medicare system anymore. I'm not I I was so fed up. I mean, later that particular owner was sued from Medicare Side, but anyway.

SPEAKER_05 9:36

Well, yeah, I mean, it's the patient's choice to be admitted because you have to go out there and see if they're appropriate and if they're interested, it's not yeah, and it was like, you know, he was willing to have the help.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

He just didn't want me walking through the house. And okay, well, you know, you're trying to work with them as well as trying to stay within you know what you can do. Like, like I said, that wasn't I was already out of it, uh had already forfeited my license, so it wasn't anything under my licensing. But yeah, the the owner of that business uh you know was actually found guilty of the Medicare for accent. Um they pushed it through and well, you know. But anyway, so I got kind of dismissed.

SPEAKER_04 10:29

It was yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:33

But now I you know, but I've also realized that you know I've always been a nurse. I in my head I've always been a nurse. I always do that, I'm always that position. So when I decided to go back and get myself free license, I actually it was like, oh my gosh, there were so many hurdles. And then January of this year, they discarded a lot of the hurdles. So I managed to get through, get my learning done, had that all done. So now that's where I'm sitting, is I just gotta get the licensing, the background checks, all that stuff done, and then get back to it. Yeah, because I've you know, I've worked with the alcohol stuff, done all that work, and feeling good past that. Um I'm not using it for coping anymore. Thank you.

SPEAKER_05 11:38

How did you get past that?

SPEAKER_00 11:41

It was just a lot of my own internal realization stuff where you know, why was I doing that? Why, you know, because I've I've been around alcoholics a lot in my life, my ex-husband, alcoholic. Yeah, and just realizing that you know, you're using an ineffective coping, it's not dealing with anything. You have to do the work and decide, you know, where you want your life to go because it's not helping you with anything.

SPEAKER_05 12:26

Do you feel like it makes the problems worse or just numb them temporarily?

SPEAKER_00 12:31

Well, it it it numbs them at first, but down the road it makes them worse. Because then you you're so numb that you're not even paying attention to the consequences, you know.

SPEAKER_02 12:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

And that was kind of the realization for me was that okay, you know, I have to be on myself with this. I can't, you know, I I'm not one that's real good with a those kinds of things.

SPEAKER_05 13:05

Did you try them?

SPEAKER_00 13:06

Um I tried them and then uh the one that uh god I can't even remember the name of the program, but they really helped me a lot was uh smart Jesus can't remember the name of it. Anyway, but they helped me a lot because they're not uh as uh judgy as some AA things can be, you know, because I'm not a religious person, I am I have never been, and so a lot of the AA things just really didn't fit for me. But they were really good about saying, okay, well, how does this affect you? How does this affect your family? You know, that made the difference for me. Was how is this affecting my family, my life? Not putting my tr my faith and trust in something else. I needed to put my faith back in me.

SPEAKER_05 14:13

Was your relationship with your sons screwed up because of alcohol?

SPEAKER_00 14:19

Oh yeah. I was oh yeah, so they knew about it.

SPEAKER_05 14:22

Yeah. In what ways, like, how did that be?

SPEAKER_00 14:27

Well, at one point I was well, um they their dad had been a hardcore alcoholic, and you know, and I wasn't until after he had already gone through it and fixed himself. So by the time I fell into it, they they knew the science.

SPEAKER_04 14:46

Oh uh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

And I was actually living with my oldest son and his girlfriend at the time for a little while at one point, and you know, so they obviously saw it.

SPEAKER_05 15:03

Did they ever have to confront you? Oh, yeah, they did.

SPEAKER_00 15:07

Oh yeah, yeah, they have confronted me, and you know, those are the days when you realize, oh yeah, I need to change something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 15:19

How does it feel to be confronted by by your son?

SPEAKER_00 15:23

I it's it's kind of surreal, it really is. It's like, no, I'm your mom, you know.

SPEAKER_02 15:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

Wait, no, you don't get to do this, I'm your mom. But also the way they conveyed it to me was so much from a caring standpoint. So, mom, you you need to deal with this, and which just hits your heart. It's so devastating to go, oh my god, I'm ruining your life.

SPEAKER_05 15:57

Yeah. Did you know already that you had an issue when you were confronting it? Yeah, so you were just trying to I already knew, yeah, get through.

SPEAKER_00 16:05

And I was already trying to get through it, but when they confronted me, it was like, oh my god, I'm affecting your life now. Yeah, I can't do that. I can't do that. So, yeah, that was that was really honestly probably one of the biggest changing points for me was when they confronted me. It's like, okay, yeah, yeah, I got to do something different.

SPEAKER_05 16:30

Yeah. So what were you doing when you were drinking that was disruptive? Was it like just that amount you were drinking? Did you change? Did you do wacky stuff?

SPEAKER_00 16:40

I get well, not a whole lot, but I would get in conversations, I get a little more aggressive. But not terrible. I've never struck out heart at anybody as far as even on a personal no verbally, I just didn't. But I just get a little a little more aggressive, a little more staunch in my opinion at the time. That would that was what they noticed. It's like, yeah, you can't seem to let this go. Yeah. So you know, I I'm not an angry person when I drank. It's just it was just a little more not me.

SPEAKER_05 17:35

It wasn't you, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

Yeah, it just wasn't me.

SPEAKER_05 17:37

Too intense. And then were you drinking daily?

SPEAKER_00 17:41

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 17:42

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 17:45

Yeah. And you know, at that point in time it was hard alcohol. It wasn't, you know, it wasn't like it was drinking beers or it was hard alcohol.

SPEAKER_05 17:56

Yeah, all day. Yeah, pretty much.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

I mean, when I when I wasn't working, I you know, I was pretty good about avoiding it when it was working. Um but but yeah, when when I was off work, you know, hit it hard. Um and it was it was not good. Not good.

SPEAKER_05 18:17

How was your drinking before that all happened? Like at the time, say like I met you, were you just drinking casually? Like, has alcohol ever been a problem for you before?

SPEAKER_00 18:28

No, no, no, I was just drinking casually. I'd have you know a beer or a seltzer or whatever out socially or whatever. But I wasn't thinking at home. Yeah. Yeah. That was one of the things when I was when I was going to some meetings with the one group, it was you know, I realized when I took home my hospice stuff, I took home the alcohol. Yeah, that was when it just settled in. It was I was struggling with loss and did not know how to do it.

SPEAKER_05 19:12

Have you been able to appropriately grieve your losses now?

SPEAKER_00 19:16

I have. And I've grieved that I've grieved the the losses of the other people that came before that. And you know, it that that was kind of that was the harboring with the jazz, was that that was right around that time too.

SPEAKER_05 19:42

And like when your alcoholism was picking up.

SPEAKER_00 19:52

This person doesn't drink much, doesn't smoke, doesn't and holy crap, she's good at what she does. This isn't fair. So it was kind of that realization of this isn't fair. Yeah. So that helped me a lot, actually. But unfortunately, as soon as I started to kind of clean up a little bit, then my ex-boyfriend of 10 years kicked me out. And that's that's where uh this roller coaster of housing has become a problem.

SPEAKER_05 20:37

Did he kick you out uh because of your drinking? You said it was just on the tail end of it, but was he just not believing you?

SPEAKER_00 20:45

It it wasn't that, it was it was several things. We weren't a good fit, honestly. And then I mean he turned around and got married in two years, so yeah, it it just wasn't it was just wasn't a good fit. Um but it took us both that long to kind of let go of it and go, oh yeah, no, this isn't working. You know, I it wasn't really the alcohol, it was just both of us kind of hiding time where you know I'd I'd go sit in the parking lot at the store by our house because I just felt like I can't go home. I can't go home, I need some time and not being real up front about that, you know. Which I should have been. I should have just said, I'm just sitting up here taking a break for a few.

SPEAKER_02 21:42

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

And I hid that. He hid the same kind of things, you know.

SPEAKER_05 21:50

Um Did you ever have to hide your drinking?

SPEAKER_00 21:54

No.

SPEAKER_05 21:55

No, that was out on the table.

SPEAKER_04 21:57

No. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:59

No, I was

SPEAKER_04 22:03

Did you ever get in like legal trouble? Sometimes the nursing stuff? No. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

No, other than other than the monitoring I was doing through the nursing board. Um that was really the only ever I've never been pulled over. I've never never had a problem there.

SPEAKER_02 22:21

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 22:24

So you went to the programs initially when you wanted to get sober? You started out with the program?

SPEAKER_00 22:32

I've I started out, I went to counseling and went to some AA meetings with my counselor and that kind of thing, and that went really bad.

SPEAKER_04 22:42

Oh, it did.

SPEAKER_00 22:44

Yeah. Do you really want me to tell you the story? Because this is bad.

SPEAKER_05 22:50

Yeah. If you want to share it.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

So I I wound up with my counselor, and we were doing different sorts of therapy, and it was going pretty good. And that was while I was doing my mount my monitoring initially, and then when I decided no, I'm gonna pull my license, I was still seeing her. And we kind of became friends, which never did.

SPEAKER_05 23:15

Not supposed to do that. Don't cross those professional boundaries, don't cross that line.

SPEAKER_00 23:20

And I I talked to her about that because we kind of stepped over that, and I went like, okay, I the therapy part is not good if you're a friend of mine.

SPEAKER_04 23:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

And shortly after that, I I was helping her, I helped her move. Her husband had feated on her and she was moving out. Cool, fine. So I helped her with that. And then all of a sudden, I didn't hear anything from her. Found out she killed herself.

SPEAKER_05 23:50

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00 23:52

Yeah. What when was that? That was would be three years ago.

SPEAKER_05 24:02

You know, so oh, I'm so sorry.

SPEAKER_00 24:04

Yeah, it was like and it was shocking because I I didn't know. I was supposed to meet up with her and things got crazy. I wanted to have her to work late, and I texted her, said, I can't be there. But you know, let me know when you can visit. And no response, no response, no response. And I only found out because I looked at Naswanger Reynolds and and her death shut up.

SPEAKER_05 24:36

Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_00 24:38

Yeah, yeah that was that was bad. So so now I have a I'm a little leery of therapy. Um yeah, I know I need it, but I'm a little leery of it.

SPEAKER_05 24:49

Well, yeah, because you I mean they're humans too. You never know.

SPEAKER_00 24:53

Oh yeah, and honestly, uh most therapists become therapists because they have problems. You know, they're trying to figure themselves out. So you know, not unlike nurses. Um yeah, so that would know yeah, so that was another thing in that string of stuff that just kept going wrong. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 25:18

My goodness. That's hard. You've been through so much. Your job and then your personal life, and then they start to like kind of intertwine. And the I feel like when you're going through your own emotional trauma, like the work gets harder, you know, like it's harder to keep yourself separate from that.

SPEAKER_00 25:39

And well, and then you have you have your work trauma and then financial trauma because of it, and then your living situation goes bad, and that's more trauma. It's like, oh my god, you know, it's just a spiral. And I'm really, really, really trying to just pull myself out of that and go, Yeah, it's gonna get better, it's gonna get better. Yeah, it has to get better. Yeah, yeah. Now I'm 60, it's like yeah, I don't have a whole lot of beneficial years to be working. I mean, I'm still pretty active and I I love the job I have, but it just doesn't pay enough to live around here.

SPEAKER_05 26:25

No, yeah. You're still in Bannon?

SPEAKER_00 26:30

No, I'm in Bend.

SPEAKER_05 26:31

Oh, you're back. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 26:33

I've been I've been back here for God since 2013.

SPEAKER_05 26:38

Oh, yeah, no, it's not affordable.

SPEAKER_00 26:42

It is not, and I you know, uh, as has kind of always been the case, is you can't afford to l work here and live here. Yeah, it's absolutely ridiculous, and especially if you're not in a position of like nursing or something like that, you can do a little better. But um I work at Ace Hardware.

SPEAKER_05 27:04

You do?

SPEAKER_00 27:06

Yeah, um uh you know, I'm a supervisor there, but that's cool that you love your job though.

SPEAKER_05 27:12

I mean that's it. I I like it.

SPEAKER_00 27:13

I've I've I've done I've done hardware for so long. I worked at Home Depot for a couple of years as a supervisor, you know, right after I lost my license. Gave out my license. And I I I love it. I did it before I was ever even on path of miniature. I've worked in hardware. I enjoy it. How do you uh it doesn't pay it does not pay well?

SPEAKER_05 27:42

No, no, it doesn't bless those people for and you right now, you're going through it, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

And it's a fun job. Yeah. But you know, and uh right now I'm like trying to figure out what part of nursing to go back into, and I would really like to do home health again. Yeah, I would not do hospice again. I don't think I don't think my heart can take it anymore.

SPEAKER_05 28:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:09

But home health, I love wound care. Wound care is fun.

SPEAKER_05 28:15

I love home health, and I think it really like lets you keep all your nursey tasks up, you know.

SPEAKER_00 28:21

Yeah, I mean wound care is so great because you you get to see what you're doing, you know. I mean, it you see the progression.

SPEAKER_05 28:28

Yeah, the progression. I know, yeah. I do love that.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

Uh yeah, it's so great to go. Oh, I'm doing something okay.

SPEAKER_05 28:35

But what exactly do you need to do now to get your license back?

SPEAKER_00 28:40

So I've been in fact I've been working on it today. I all I need to do is get my application in and then the fingerprinting and background check.

SPEAKER_05 28:50

Oh my gosh, you're so clever.

SPEAKER_00 28:52

Yeah, yeah, I'm right, I'm right there. It was but because of all my moving situations, I just didn't have the funds to do it. And that's why I posted the GoFundMe in the first place was it's like I need to get this.

unknown 29:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:08

And then I had some medical issues in November of last year that uh now I have medical debt on top of that, so it's like uh trying to get all that cycling, you know, so that I can get ahead of that, get ahead of everything else. But I also know that this license is the key to maybe, you know, to move forward. You know, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 29:38

That's so exciting for you. Um do you are you sober completely? No, no, you're just over the top.

SPEAKER_00 29:49

I I've gotten back to more, you know, casual drinking. Yeah. Yeah um these things are far more calmed down in my life, and so it's like, yeah, you know, I can't I'll come home and have a drink, but it's nowhere near what it was.

SPEAKER_05 30:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:07

Nowhere near what it was.

SPEAKER_05 30:09

Do you have a plan? Like if things start to go south again, how you would go better next time?

SPEAKER_00 30:17

Yeah, I do. I have, you know, the plus is I have a better connection with my ex-husband now than I did then. I and he has gone through it. I mean, he almost wound up with liver transplants and I mean the whole nine yards. So he he he knows the drill. Yeah. And I just have a far better community around me than I had at that one. Sorry, walked through my dog door. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 30:48

Where did you find your new community?

SPEAKER_00 30:51

A lot of it was really just people that I had known, but I hadn't uh asked for support from. And that made the difference, you know, just saying uh no, I need help. And that was you know, it was a hard thing for me to do. Prideful person that I am. And uh realizing you're being stupid, ask from the people you know. So you know, my k my kids were a big one. And then when I started to go funding, I was so shocked that the people that immediately came in, donated and shared, were people I'd gone to school with. Oh that I haven't that I haven't talked to in 10 years.

SPEAKER_05 31:46

Oh my gosh. That's so sweet and caring.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

Yeah, they're just like, you got this. Go, go, go.

SPEAKER_05 31:54

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:58

So that part was amazing. I was just like, oh wow. And have managed to one of the gals that I did go to school with, uh, had been away from town for a long time, but she has now moved back. And I had seen her not long before I posted the GoFundMe. And she's actually a nurse consultant. So, and she helps the nurses get placed and that kind of thing. And she has just been all over this. How cool! I hadn't talked to her in forever. It it you know, it was just so weird. I mean I happened to see her a couple weeks before. She has a twin sister, and I'm like, okay, are you her or are you her twin?

SPEAKER_05 32:48

Oh my gosh. That's funny. You know what? I love that. I love how when you start to get healthy, like the world around you is healthy. You draw in these people who you know are there to support you and help you, and that all just comes by you becoming healthy on your own. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:07

And you know, and and realizing that you know uh we all have faults, every one of us. And the thing is being able to acknowledge your faults, being able to acknowledge that okay, I can't do this by myself. You know, and so many people try to and can't. And you so you gotta be vulnerable a little bit and go, no, I can't do this by myself.

SPEAKER_05 33:38

No, I know.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

Realizing that was a huge thing for me because I'm just terrible. That's I really am. I'm you know not that I'm vain, but I'm very much no, I can do this.

SPEAKER_03 33:55

I got this.

SPEAKER_05 33:56

Well, I think all of us nurses are like that to an extent. Like we're givers, so we are not really comfortable with the the receiving, yeah, exactly. And asking for help is like especially like you know, I don't even like it's hard to take a compliment, you know, let alone to ask for something so vulnerable like money, you know. That's it's hard for us.

SPEAKER_00 34:21

Yeah, it it is. It's uh I when I posted that, it was like, oh my god, I sound like such a wuss. I I can't, you know, I'm so upset with myself that I have to do this. Aww. And then just going, no, you have to do this, you have to. You're in a position you you can't do this by yourself. And all you can do is ask for help.

SPEAKER_02 34:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:51

You know, people can say no.

SPEAKER_05 34:54

Exactly. You're not forcing them.

SPEAKER_00 34:56

Yeah, I'm not forcing them into it. People say no, and that's fine. And you just realizing no, I need help, and I can't do this by myself.

SPEAKER_05 35:08

That's so hard to get vulnerable. I'm so glad that you did, and that I saw your post. And what's your gofundme link?

SPEAKER_00 35:17

Oh god, you would ask, I don't know offhand.

SPEAKER_05 35:21

I'll share it in the podcast notes.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

Yeah, I mean, if you saw it, you know where it is. And yeah, but yeah, I don't know it offhand, or I can share it to you after the phone call.

SPEAKER_03 35:32

Yeah, yep, yep.

SPEAKER_00 35:33

Yeah, because I you know it it's out there, and yeah.

SPEAKER_05 35:41

Or you just like I so I had made a GoFundMe when I started the podcast. I was like, okay, I want to do this because I think it's important to start talking about these taboo subjects, and you know, I'm not expecting like huge things or like a change of career for me over it, you know what I mean? No, but I didn't know what I needed for equipment and stuff, and I didn't have a computer, you know. So I did post a GoFundMe and somebody donated a hundred dollars and I was like, Oh, I don't deserve that, you know.

SPEAKER_00 36:15

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like, oh, well, no, you didn't have to do that much. That's a lot.

SPEAKER_05 36:24

Did you really have to do that? Oh, it's so funny how like it almost like it feels bad to receive, even though I'm so grateful. And you know, that paid for like my whole entire year of my podcast service, you know, because I'm on like the cheapest land. So whatever. Like that's so helpful and wonderful and so nice. And they wouldn't have given it to me if they couldn't, you know.

SPEAKER_00 36:46

Yeah, they didn't know.

SPEAKER_05 36:48

And I know all those things, but my emotion, you know, is still like, oh no, I'm uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 36:54

Well, yeah, I did the same thing, and when I had a couple donations come in, I was like, oh my god, what but why?

SPEAKER_02 37:04

Yeah, I know I asked, but I know I asked, but I didn't expect I still don't want it.

SPEAKER_05 37:09

I do want it.

SPEAKER_00 37:10

I didn't I didn't think anybody would recognize that and do anything about it.

SPEAKER_05 37:14

Um isn't that cool? I'm so glad.

SPEAKER_00 37:17

Yeah, I mean, because one of the one of the school friends uh donated a hundred dollars on the way, oh my god, I haven't talked to you in 10 years. I mean, she's been a friend on my Facebook page, and you know, so I like her photos and stuff like that, but other than that, that's it. And I was just like, Oh my gosh, did you really mean to donate that much? Was that on purpose?

SPEAKER_05 37:41

I know that is so cool. I mean, they just want to help you succeed and overcome what you went through. It's so awesome that you're trying to build, you know. I mean, we all make mistakes, and then to build back out of it is real, it's hard. It's really hard, and I'm so glad you're doing it.

SPEAKER_00 37:59

Yeah, and I feel right now I feel like I'm so close to being able to actually do something with that. It's so close. I mean, other than trying to deal with the nursing board site and trying to deal with transferring anything. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_05 38:16

Yeah, and there's literally not a phone number you can call, you have to only go through the site. It's really hard.

SPEAKER_00 38:22

You you can call a phone number, you won't get to talk to anybody. No, right there's nobody there.

SPEAKER_05 38:28

How do you release your license? You just don't renew it, or did you actually reach out to them?

SPEAKER_00 38:34

Because I was going through monitoring, so I was in touch with them all the time.

SPEAKER_05 38:39

Oh, and I just they monitor you. Was that for alcohol?

SPEAKER_00 38:43

For alcohol, yeah. They were monitoring for alcohol, and it just I I realized I need to work on me, and if I know that there's a possibility I can be hired, you know, at a higher rate than what I can make right now, uh-huh, then I'm gonna go back into it and I'm just gonna destroy myself.

SPEAKER_02 39:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:06

Because I knew my my my brain couldn't handle it anymore. And so I said, no, I'm just gonna forfeit it. And so it's in there as a voluntary forfeiture. So yeah, and then when they you know, for a long time you would have had to have as long as I was out, it would have been a lot of hours and and taking a course that would have cost thousands of dollars. And then they changed the rules in January. So it was like you got these little things you gotta do, and get all those. Went to a skills class and done. And it was like, whoa. Yeah, because I only had to do like 60 hours of CEs and I was like, okay, you're eligible. Whoa.

SPEAKER_05 40:08

So does the remarks on your license go away?

SPEAKER_00 40:13

There aren't any really any marks on my license. Oh because I forfeited it. Oh there probably should be, but but there aren't. It was a voluntary forfeiture, so yeah.

SPEAKER_05 40:36

Yeah, wow, okay.

SPEAKER_00 40:38

Yeah. So I mean, as far as I know, there's no major marks on it.

SPEAKER_02 40:43

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_00 40:44

They could be hiding something else back there somewhere, but as far as I know, there's no major marks on it.

SPEAKER_05 40:52

Cool.

SPEAKER_02 40:53

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 40:54

Yeah, because I worked with a nurse and she like went through her monitoring and everything, but she's still having a hard time getting a job, even though she's completed it. It's like on her license forever. So it's not active, but it's like, just so you know, she has a history of, you know, and it's like that's not fair. You served you served your time.

SPEAKER_00 41:12

I'm sure, I'm sure there's gonna be something like that when I get my license back. It's gonna be, you know, she does have a history of this. I'm sure that's in there somewhere. Uh-huh. But as far as what I can see, it doesn't look like there's much. So, but it's it's hard to say too, because once I get the license back, it may say you're you're gonna have to be monitored for a little while. That could happen too.

SPEAKER_05 41:41

That's true, that could happen.

SPEAKER_00 41:43

You know.

SPEAKER_05 41:44

Well, whatever we have to do, we we do, right?

SPEAKER_00 41:50

Yeah, I mean, uh, you know, and it it's my passion, so it's like this is is what I want to do. It's just gonna get back there.

SPEAKER_05 42:01

I know, I can't imagine myself doing anything else.

SPEAKER_00 42:05

Yeah, that's what we do. Yeah, if it weren't for the I it probably wouldn't be as bad a situation if it weren't for the other situations, you know, that have been going on, you know, the medical bills, the that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_05 42:23

And that's so hard too. I know, it's so stressful. My my husband's like, so if you because I went to the ER the other day, I was having some abdominal pain, and I was like going on, it was coming and going. I went to the ER, and you know, the wait is so long, first of all, and I'm like stressing out about the medical bill. So I just left AMA. I'm the worst patient ever. It was like I should I'm like, I can't, I can't do this, it's gonna be too expensive. And my husband's like, you don't get a discount? Like, you're a nurse.

SPEAKER_00 42:58

No, I don't get a discount.

SPEAKER_05 42:59

You get a discount?

SPEAKER_00 43:02

Yeah, I well, because I I wound up in the ER three times in two weeks.

SPEAKER_05 43:07

Oh no, for something that they they never found. Yeah, that's awesome. We don't know what's going on.

SPEAKER_00 43:17

But you know, they did a buttload of tests, which is uh a lot of money.

SPEAKER_05 43:23

Yeah, the more they test, the more they make.

SPEAKER_00 43:25

Yeah, and so I I'm like, okay, I have medical debt from that. It's like because my insurance sucks. Because, you know, the there's the amount they charge for imaging and all that is ridiculous. Ridiculous.

SPEAKER_05 43:46

It's so much. I know. Something's gotta change.

SPEAKER_00 43:50

Something's gotta give. I mean I know uh it's well, I was there so long.

SPEAKER_05 43:55

There was not a there was like two other people in the waiting room. It looked like I should have just been able to get in. I was Because yeah, I don't want to end up being tweeting with a bunch of dead and still not knowing. Okay, thanks for rolling out five things, but I still don't know what it is.

SPEAKER_00 44:15

Rolling out the thing.

SPEAKER_05 44:20

I'm not pregnant.

SPEAKER_00 44:26

They always do that. Oh my god, it was terrible.

SPEAKER_05 45:52

Well, I'm so sorry. And the moral of the story is nurses are humans too.

SPEAKER_00 45:57

Yeah, we'll oh yeah. We we have our own issues for sure.

SPEAKER_05 46:03

I know. Okay, well, I grateful for you for having this conversation with me.

SPEAKER_01 46:08

I'm gonna post your GoFundMe Every day that passes, I learn a little more. Always something I've never seen before. It's up to less attention, I'm feeling all the time Everything around with filters through my mind Somewhere in my memory. I got an impression of every moment since I came to be I was going to fill up the space occupied To bring the star back with me To the ground beat The places I found the people around me The days of the mum be The Natal Now the brother I'm scooping we should laugh with the other man we out another drain of sand Talking out sensation Always wearing new A dream of the modernity design now I know it is the meant to be But I'll be here forever as part of everything It will grow because of me I'm the ground I be The places I travel The people behind me The days of everyone be The night I'm dying for the I can be Why my body's blown older memory on the bro Maybe I can't touch it but it's real instead of the breed The ground of the mum beat The places I travel The people that I need The days with the memory The Nazi the bubble I go free The ground moving on the my feet The voices I travel The people that I meet The days with the rhythm and be The Nazar the buzz of I'm gonna free The ground movement of the I feel The voices I found the people that I meet The days with the rhythm and be The Nazar the buzzer I could be The ground moving on the I feed The places I travel The people that I mean The days with the rhythm and be The knights I don't know the buzz of being The crown movement under my feet The places I travel The people that I meet The days with the rhythm and be The nights I don't dribble the buzzer I go free The crown moving under my feet The places I travel the people that I meet The days with the rhythm and be The nights I rival the bug the life go free The brown moving under my feet The places I travel the people that I meet