Marriage: Whose Mission are You Building?

 In this episode, Heather sits down with her husband to talk about what it means for a wife to build her life around her husband’s God-given mission. Through sharing the stories of Abigail Adams, Katie Luther, and Erika Kirk, as well as the story of their own marriage, they explore how faithful women can strengthen their men to live on mission.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:02

Today's episode begins with the stories of two different women. Women whose impact shaped the world. Our first story begins in Germany during a time when obedience to Christ meant risking everything. The Reformation in Europe shook the entire world. Kings lost crowns, monasteries emptied, and nations divided under the weight of one monk's conviction that salvation was by grace alone. But while Martin Luther's hammer struck the church door at Wittenberg, another hammer was sounding behind the scenes, a quieter one, shaping something far less visible, but no less enduring. Her name was Catherine von Bora, Katie to her husband. She was born in obscurity in 1499 and placed in a convent at five years old. Her world was stone walls and silent prayers, a lifetime vowed to the cloister. But then she heard whispers of reform, of a gospel that spoke of freedom in Christ. At 24, she risked everything. She and eleven other nuns escaped in the dead of night, hidden inside fish barrels on a wagon bound for Wittenberg. There she met the man whose writings had inspired her to flee. Martin Luther, professor, monk, heretic, revolutionary. He was a man aflame with conviction, but lost in the practicalities of ordinary life. He could challenge efforts, but he could barely manage a household. She saw a man in need of order, in need of a helper to further his reach. And so she married him. Their marriage shocked the world. Critics sneered, calling it scandalous. Luther's enemies mocked him for taking a former nun as his wife. But Katie understood something deeper. That if Reformation was to last, it needed roots, not just fire. She took a dilapidated Augustinian monastery and turned it into a living, thriving home. She managed a small farm and a dairy. She planted orchards, tended gardens, and ran a brewery that supplied half of Wittenberg. She opened her doors to students, exiles, and beggars. Her kitchen became a refuge for debate and discipleship, the heart of the Reformation's daily rhythm. Luther wrote, preached, and defied kings, but it was Katie who kept the home from collapsing under the weight of his genius. She woke before dawn, ordering meals for dozens of guests, managing livestock, brewing beer, and caring for the sick. Luther affectionately called her the morning star of Wittenberg because she was always awake before the sun. But beyond her diligence, she gave him something far rarer: stability. She grounded him, she softened his temper, studied his melancholy, and called him back to faith when the burden of his mission grew heavy. When fear and exhaustion shadowed him, she reminded him that their labor was not in vain. He once said, If I can endure conflict with the devil, sin, and the world, it is because I have Katie. She wasn't behind him, she was beside him, strengthening the work God had given them both. Katie Luther didn't stand in pulpits or nail feces to doors. She built tables, not platforms. But the fruit of her labor fed the men who would carry the Reformation across Europe. Her home became a training ground for pastors and scholars. Her management of the Luther estate turned theological revolution into lasting institution. When Luther died, he left his possessions to her. An act almost unheard of in his day. He wrote that she was the most pious, faithful, and devoted wife on earth. And she proved it. Even after his death, she continued his mission, managing debts, protecting their children, and keeping the flame of Wittenberg alive until her own passing in 1552. Katie's legacy isn't written in creeds or constitutions. It's written in the endurance of the church she helped to sustain. She built her husband's mission, quietly, faithfully, brick by brick, meal by meal, prayer by prayer, until the gospel had a home from which to spread. Our second story moves to America. The world remembers John Adams, the sharp mind of the revolution, the voice that thundered for independence, the second president of the United States. But history often forgets that John Adams' courage was not born in isolation. It was sustained by a woman who wrote from a small farmhouse in Massachusetts, with ink-stained fingers and a steadfast heart. Abigail Adams was not merely the wife of a founding father. She was the keeper of the republic before it even existed. When the colonies trembled and the air smelled of war, John rode toward danger and duty, first to Philadelphia, then across the ocean to Europe. For months, then years, she managed everything he left behind. She ran their farm through bitter winters, oversaw the planning and harvest, negotiated with merchants, handled debts, educated their five children, and kept their home from collapsing under the strain of absence. Her letters carried the tone of a woman both tender and unflinching. She spoke of faith, duty, and perseverance, urging her husband to remember that virtue would make the nation worth founding. She reported troop movements, prices of grain, outbreaks of smallpox. She wrote theology and strategy in equal measure. Her pen kept pace with the musket. In one stretch, she endured years of separation. Pregnant, managing sickness, facing the constant threat of British invasion. Neighbors fled inland. She stayed. My home is here, she wrote, and my duty is to keep it. When cannon fires echoed across Boston Harbor, she stood with her children on the hill to watch the smoke rise over Bunker Hill. She prayed for her husband's cause while holding fast to her own post, the home front of the revolution. Through the long darkness of her uncertainty, her words became the pulse of John Adams' courage. He called her his best counselor, the bomb of his heart, the one whose judgment he trusted above all others. He said he could do nothing without her opinion. When others faltered, it was her letters that recalled him to conviction, reminding him that liberty was not just an idea to be debated, but a stewardship to be lived. Their marriage became a partnership of vision and endurance. His mission, to build a nation, was studied by her mission to help the man who would. Together, they forged a pattern of dominion. His leadership on the world stage, her leadership in the hidden places where character is formed. When the dust settled and the republic stood, John Adams knew that every success that bore his name also bore hers. She had built his mission not by speeches or acclaim, but by faithfulness, by holding the home together when the world was falling apart, by keeping virtue alive when the cause demanded sacrifice. Abigail Adams never signed a founding document. She never held office, but she shaped the soul of the man who did. And through him, she helped shape the soul of a nation. Because sometimes the most world-changing work isn't done in the halls of power, but in the quiet faithfulness of a wife who believes in her husband's mission and builds it word by word, prayer by prayer, until it stands. In these stories of these women, we see the powerful impact that can happen when a woman aligns herself with her husband's mission. From Abigail Adams to Katie Luther, the pattern is clear. When wives align their lives with their husband's mission under Christ, history is shaped. Families are strengthened, and the gospel is displayed. Today in this episode, we will discuss what it looks like for a woman to build her husband's mission. And how can you be a wife who strengthens that calling? Hey friends, welcome back to the Keeping the Citadel podcast. My name is Heather Faria, and I am your host. And today I am joined by a very special guest, the most special guest, my husband. Babe, go ahead and say hi and introduce yourself.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

Hi. I'm Daniel, I'm Heather's husband.

SPEAKER_03 9:44

Welcome. This is my husband, Daniel Faria. And um, I couldn't do this without him. I'm super excited to have him here as my very first guest. And I think I think this is gonna be a good interview, right, babe?

SPEAKER_01 9:59

Let's hope.

unknown 10:00

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 10:01

So today we're going to talk about something that goes against the grain of our culture, but is beautifully rooted in scripture. And that is the idea that a wife's mission isn't meant to be separate from her husband's mission. Instead, God designed marriage so that we build one shared mission together. In Genesis 2 18, it says, It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. And in 1 Corinthians 11 3, we also read, but I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God. If we jump down a few verses to eight and nine, it continues. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. These verses show that God's design for marriage is a covenant relationship where the man leads his family in a mission, and the woman is his helper in building that mission. Today we want to unpack what it looks like practically in real life. We're going to try and answer some really important questions regarding the man's role in being mission-minded, as well as several questions that can help wives, such as, what does it look like for a wife to come alongside her husband's mission? What are some unique things wives bring that help their husbands live out their mission more fully? And how can a wife help encourage a husband who doesn't have a clear sense of mission and purpose in the home? Normally, the episodes of this podcast will be directed at women, but I figured with my husband coming on today that we could direct this to both husbands and wives. So we will also be talking a lot about the man's role in all this. Hopefully, this episode will be encouraging and convicting to both you and your husband. Okay, so before we dive into our interview, Daniel and I were thinking we should give our listeners a little backstory on the history of our marriage so far. So you have some context on why this whole topic of mission and marriage is so important to us. We've had a lot of really unique challenges in our almost 15 years of marriage. None of these things are really easy to talk about. But we felt that it is important to share our story with you because it's been through this series of extremely difficult circumstances over the years that the Lord has revealed to us what this whole topic really means. So, babe, let's uh jump right in.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

You ready? Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:40

Okay, so we got married at 19 and 23, and we're just babies and uh we have really truly grown up together, huh? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:54

So why don't you go ahead and so whenever we first got married, you know, we were super confident that we had this great plan for our future, and everything seemed to be going according to that plan. Um you know, we both loved the Lord and were so excited to start our life together as husband and wife. We knew we wanted the same things, had a great career lined up, and we were pretty sure we knew what the mission and trajectory of our life was going to be. Yeah. Um and that was pretty much the case right up until our honeymoon, and that's when things went left.

SPEAKER_03 13:36

A little crazy, yeah. So I immediately started having health complications that landed me in the hospital only a month into our marriage. A few months after that, Daniel lost his job as a police officer and was unemployed for a while. So that kind of was what kicked off the string of unfortunate events.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Yes, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:01

So fast forward about two years, we had our first son when I was 21 and he came into this world with a bang. It was a super, super traumatic birth. Uh in NICU time, he almost died. And um we we weren't sure if we when he did survive, how long he was gonna survive for, if we were gonna be able to bring him home. They told us there was a really high chance that he was gonna have cerebral palsy. Um but thankfully, by God's grace, we were able to witness a massive miracle in the way God saved the life of our son. Um and he's a super healthy, sweet, happy boy today. Um, but that was a huge, huge test of faith for us both.

SPEAKER_00 14:55

Yeah. Yeah. Uh and then for a while things started to look like they were going uphill again. Uh I got hired again as a police officer and Heather was pregnant with our second son. But during the pregnancy, uh I lost my job due to uh some department politics and some budget cut situations. But uh God ended up working it for good. And this was right about the time whenever the Michael Brown riots and stuff were happening with the hands up, don't shoot, everyone protesting the police. So no, I didn't do anything that was really bad, like I You were a good police copy. Yeah, I was a good cop, but you know, I just needed to grow up a little bit and kind of sucked at talking to people. So I I could have done that better. But um, long story short, I kept trying to apply to so many departments, came close a bunch of times, but ultimately, due to kind of the political climate, um I just couldn't get rehired. And so I had to start again from scratch um and figure out what to do with my life with a wife and two sons to provide for, and no clue how I was gonna go about doing that really. And when all that was going on, the way our second son was born, he was born almost what, like three months premature.

SPEAKER_03 16:23

Yeah, and it was it was two months after you had just lost your job.

SPEAKER_00 16:27

Yeah, uh it was a rough time for sure.

SPEAKER_03 16:30

He was he was 28 weeks.

SPEAKER_00 16:32

And uh to top it off, Heather almost died during birth. So I was pretty salty um having almost lost my wife, lost my job, uh almost lost my son, had another son at home that was in this toddler phase, and he was a happy, energetic toddler that was you know, had had a lot of needs too. So it was just a lot, and I was miserable and so I decided I was gonna make everyone else around me miserable. Not intentionally, but that was the outworking of it.

SPEAKER_03 17:13

Yeah. So this was the beginning of a super dark time in our marriage. Daniel, like he said, was in the depths of depression. He didn't just lose his job, he lost the entire mission he had built his life around and uh a huge part of his identity. Like this is something he had worked for since childhood.

SPEAKER_00 17:38

Yeah, my whole life.

SPEAKER_03 17:39

Yeah, so it was it was like going through a death for him. Meanwhile, I was trying to cope through the pain of having a NICU baby, driving back and forth through the hospital, the trauma of everything we just went through, and the and the grief and loss of realizing that I couldn't bear any more children. So both of us were just a mess of grief.

SPEAKER_00 18:03

Yeah. But you know what? God is good. And we made it through this time, you know, by the skin of our teeth. But we made it. And so I began trying to figure out a new career path and and starting from scratch. Um so trying to do that was rough, you know, shifting gears from from a mission I'd had since I think I was four years old, uh, because I wanted to be like my dad and go chase bad guys. But God had different plans. So, you know, the Lord and his kindness put me on a new career path. And that's when a lot of the healing from this loss uh for both of us began. Uh, and it kind of took this career loss for me to discover the true mission that God has for me as a man and a husband. I realized that my identity and mission wasn't dependent on what I did for a living, and I think that's a trap that a lot of men fall into.

SPEAKER_01 19:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:02

Um but I couldn't truly be fruitful and mission-minded in the role of a husband, father, and provider if I was just seeking after this uh idol of this fulfilling career that was my all in all. So um this time in my life really shifted the way I lived and thought about everything.

SPEAKER_03 19:29

Yeah. So the string of trials we had gone through kind of calmed down for a bit after that, and things got better for a while, you know, after after he got into a new career and things were going well at his job. Boys uh got out of their crisis mode of, you know, hospitals and therapy appointments and all of that. But fast forward a few more years and during COVID, Daniel lost his job for a season again, but uh this time it was due to other types of political reasons, also very unjust, that we had no control over. But uh, when all this happened, the first thing he did, he I remember he came home one day. This was right after it happened, and um, and he prayed with me and he said, Lord, thank you for giving me a redo at this suffering of job loss. Help me to do it better than I did last time. I I think the moment I heard you pray that was truly one of the biggest moments of redemption I've personally experienced in my life. Because I I mean I remember how bitter you were, obviously, the first time. And hearing you genuinely and humbly pray that prayer of total surrender and resolve to honor God, which just complete proof of how much God had grown and transformed you through all those years of pain and loss, that none of everything we went through, everything you went through was in vain. So this this time ended up being an extremely fruitful time of growth and redemption for our family and just an amazing opportunity to see the way God makes all things new. I I've seen you spend years now passionately pouring into what it truly means to be a man of God and to lead me and the boys in every way. I've watched you humble yourself before unjust employers and work your butt off to do whatever you can to provide for your family. I've seen you get creative and exploring what it looks like to still use your gifts and abilities vocationally, even though it's in a different way than you imagined you would be doing. And and I I mean, I I see you lead by example and You make a massive impact on the other men that you have the opportunity to work with and you know, constantly show them what it means to work with excellence and per perseverance. So all this is to say that all these things are such incredible examples of the way that you have truly embraced what it means to be live living out the mission that God has given you and to leave a legacy with your family and the work that you set your hands to and just how like none of that time that we went through was a waste, you know. And so, you know, praise God for that.

SPEAKER_01 22:43

Amen.

SPEAKER_03 22:44

So now, several years later, we have both grown so much in what it means to be on mission together. Daniel as a leader and me as his helper. We we obviously still will be growing in this the rest of our married lives together. You know, we we definitely don't have everything all figured out. We're not experts. But over the past almost 15 years and really going through the fire together, we have learned both the ways not to do things and the wise and God-honoring ways to live in a marriage. So we realize our story is a bit unique, but we wanted to share it with you today because we hope that we can encourage couples to see a few things. First, if you married young, it is good to grow up together and go through the pain of suffering and failures. Struggling together and overcoming all of those hard things brought more growth into both of our lives than anything could possibly ever do. So if you got married young and it's just been hardship after hardship, just know the Lord is using all of those hard things to make you and your marriage stronger and better than you could ever imagine. Second, we know what it's like to be on all sides of the aisle when it comes to the topic of mission and marriage. We have been the couple who thought they had the plan all figured out, only to realize that it wasn't at all God's plan. We know what it's like to feel aimless, apathetic, and for us to be doing a terrible job in our roles of leader in all means. And now, by God's grace, we thankfully have been able to experience several years of the joy and fruitfulness that comes from embracing the design that God has for husbands and wives in a covenantal marriage. So this is why we are so extremely passionate about this topic because we have lived it and we know what an incredible difference it makes in a marriage when a husband is fulfilling his role and the mission God has for him, and the wife embraces her role as the helper and magnifier of that mission. And finally, we want you to see through our story that God is a God of redemption. If you are having to walk through various trials in your marriage, please know that none of it is in vain. God is using all of it to work his good in both yours and your husband's life. And if like us, you have had or are currently going through a time when your husband is struggling with his sense of mission, purpose, or in how to properly lead your family, and you are struggling with how to best help him, hopefully, our story will encourage you to keep persevering and trusting the Lord. God writes amazing stories, and the way he uses brokenness to transform us to becoming creatures that more fully reflect his glory is just incredible. So there's our story for you guys. With that said, let's go ahead and get started with our conversation where we will share some of the things that we've learned with you. So, Daniel, in light of everything that you've learned throughout our marriage so far, when you think about your role as a husband, how do you understand your responsibility and see the direction and mission for our family? What ultimately is the mission of the husband and father?

SPEAKER_00 26:20

Well, the mission of the husband and father is the mission, I think, of the believer. Um the Westminster Shorter Catechism states the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. So I view my role as husband as the one that is ultimately responsible for my family. If you or our children are not carrying this out, then it is a failure of mine. There is no blame shifting as the head. It is like uh Jocko Willink says, extreme ownership. I have to ask, am I modeling this in my own life? Am I seeking to glorify Christ in all I do? You know, am I in the word? Am I being faithful uh faithfully in prayer? Am I confessing my sins and repenting? Am I seeking wisdom from uh more mature godly believers who are accomplishing things for God's kingdom? And if the answer is no to any of these, which it often is because I am a sinner, then I need to correct that issue in my life and model it because talk is cheap and nobody wants to model a Pharisee. So when I sin, whether it's against you or the kids, I come to you guys and I repent. I tell you guys that um I sin and I explain that it was wrong for me to do that, and I try to model um what this looks like to our boys so that they can be better than I was, so that they can be a better Christian than me, that they can love their wives better than than I love you, that they can just uh be men after God's own heart, and cause I want the best for for my sons.

SPEAKER_03 28:26

Well, I think if they love their wives half as much as he loved me, they'll be doing pretty good.

SPEAKER_00 28:31

So and uh, you know, it's also important that I'm asking, what has God put into my hands? What gifts, what responsibilities, what season are we in? And then how do I invite you and our boys into that mission?

SPEAKER_03 28:49

Yeah. So it sounds like in addition to taking responsibility, a big part of determining the overall direction for our family is rooted in stewardship. So how did examining these things help you figure out a vocational direction? How are you using your gifts and abilities now and bringing our family into that as a unified family mission?

SPEAKER_00 29:14

Yeah, so I was able to take the things I've cultivated over the years or just naturally been blessed with, things like having a heart of uh protector, of uh vigilance, of leadership, and boldness, and applied that into a new career. Now there's other things that I would have wanted to do, but with the real world responsibilities and the season of life I was in, you know, I had to think practically to not sink us into a bunch of debt or try something else that might have been a little too risky uh for for a f man with a family. And so by God's grace, uh I was able to kind of land in this position that I thought I'd be in for about six months, and now I've been in the industry for about ten years now.

SPEAKER_03 30:13

So yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been great. So and and like how do you how do you bring our family into that?

SPEAKER_00 30:21

Well, just considering you guys and the decisions that I make and sharing with you guys what's going on and thinking of you guys for everything I do. Like I know that you guys believe certain things about me, so whenever something might happen, I know that you have expectations of me and and you believe me to be a certain type of man, and I want to be that type of man for you and for our boys. So whenever things happen that could be scary, I know that you guys expect me to be brave, that you think I'm brave, and so it gives me heart in those times.

SPEAKER_03 31:03

I love that. Um, why do you think it is so important for a husband to have clarity about his mission and what happens when he doesn't?

SPEAKER_00 31:15

Well, Heather, as you know too well, um, like we just discussed, we lived through this for a long time. When I lost my career that I dreamed of and worked so hard for for my entire life, I was a wreck. Uh that career was my idol, and God and his loving kindness smashed that idol for me. God is kind of the great iconoclast in that way. And uh, you know, I wasn't willing to give it up, so so he took that job from me. And I wasn't caring about anything else, you know. I wasn't caring about our family's relationship with God. Um initially, when it got taken away from me, I was like a like a petulant little kid who got his toy taken away, and I threw a temper tantrum that lasted years, and I was miserable and made everyone around me miserable. I felt like one of those lions you see in the zoo, you know, where the ground is worn underneath him from just endlessly pacing back and forth and uh the eyes are dead with only that little glimmer of the wild beast left in them there. Uh you know, in Genesis, God created Adam and then gave him a mission to name all the animals. Mission and work came before the fall. So when men don't have a mission, they're like these lions at the zoo. They're miserable. But to those listening, the good news is Christ can redeem these things. Through God's mercy, he freed me from my cage and led me to repentance. Ultimately, I realized that my identity and mission wasn't dependent on a particular career path, but that I could truly be a fruitful and mission-minded man by glorifying God in the role of husband, father, and provider. And that's my main mission. After that, uh, you know, God did show me what to do and has given me a great career now that's utilizing a lot of the same skills and um stuff that I cultivated as a cop. Yeah. Um so to any husbands who may be listening to this, there's hope in Christ. And wives, if your husband is going through this, stay by your husband's side. Pray faithfully like Heather did, and God can lead your husband to repentance. Um regarding that mission matters because lack of vision often leads to drift, you know, like a ship at sea without sails. In Proverbs 29, it says, Where there is no vision, the people perish. So as a husband, I want to provide direction so that our home isn't aimless. Doug Wilson writes that modern evangelical husbands have been taught to lead by serving rather than to serve by leading with authority and responsibility. When there's no mission, the wife and children may drift. The culture of the home can become reactive instead of proactive. Clarity gives us unity, focus, and peace.

SPEAKER_03 34:21

Yeah, it's amazing the peace and comfort that your leadership and direction gives me. Like I feel so freed to know what my purpose every day is in serving you because you now have that direction yourself. And not only that, but I just see how much our family has grown spiritually as a result. What you said about servant leadership makes me think how often people get this whole idea wrong. So often people talk about the husband's role of serving the wife as this idea that he just lives to satisfy her every desire. And the best way a husband can serve his wife is by making his life revolve around her. But what this does is instead of giving the wife a mission to get behind, is it makes her the mission. And wives, I want you to hear this. You are not supposed to be your husband's mission. A wife might think she wants her husband's every move to revolve around her, but that's not what the Bible means when it says for husbands to lay down their lives as Christ did. When husbands make their wives the mission, the wives actually end up feeling more insecure and tempted to take control and lead. So the best way your husband can serve you is by leading you and bringing you along his mission, not the other way around. Husbands really set the tone for whether a family is moving toward Christ or just adrifting. So, honey, you just talked about the difference it makes to have that clarity about your mission. But how do you practically discern God's mission for our family? Is it through prayer, scripture, conversations, or something else?

SPEAKER_00 36:09

Yes. To to make it short. Um, you know, it's it's a com combination of these things. Fill it plus filling my mind with godly teaching from strong, godly men. Like I love listening to stuff from men like uh Doug Wilson and Nate Spearing. They do a great job of helping me take the spiritual aspects of my leadership and really just drilling down into the nuts and bolts of it. Doug always says, you know, your theology should be coming out of your fingertips. And so that kind of mindset of of uh theology applied is really made a huge difference for me because men uh we're problem solvers and we like to know how to fix the thing, and so uh having teaching like that really teaches you how how to how to fix the the sin in your heart, you know? Yeah. And uh so this this teaching here, it's really showed me how to take the the talents I've been given and to practically apply them. You know, what gifts, skills, abilities, and resources has God given me? Am I turning a profit on those things or am I burying them in the ground like the uh like the wicked servant? Yeah. Um and that if you submit your skills, abilities, and resources to the Lord, he will reveal what what work he wants to put your hands to.

SPEAKER_03 37:48

Yeah, this is so good, especially because we live in a society right now that is really plagued with the crisis of aimless men. I think so many men, especially young men, really are struggling right now with what their mission is and how to practically live that out. I think on the one end, guys are taught to build their entire identity and their career, kind of like what you were doing. And then on the other hand, like we just talked about, feminism, even in the church, just encourages men to be constantly simping over their wives and acting like she can do no wrong. This is totally creating a society of confused, emasculated, and aimless men.

SPEAKER_01 38:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:31

So what would you say to a husband who is struggling with that sense of aimlessness and feels the weight of leadership, but honestly doesn't feel equipped or doesn't know where to start?

SPEAKER_00 38:45

Get over it. If you don't feel equipped, man up and do something about it.

SPEAKER_01 38:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:52

Get in the word. Listen to podcasts and sermons from godly masculine men, check out resources from places like Canon Plus or Reformation Heritage books that have resources to help you lead your wife and catechize your children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. If you just sit around waiting until you have some feeling, it's not gonna happen. And as it turns out, you can just do things.

SPEAKER_03 39:17

Yep. That's right. So, what happens in a marriage when the husband and wife are pulling in two different directions?

SPEAKER_00 39:28

Strife and misery. Man, I really feel like uh people are gonna think we've just had this horrible marriage for a really long time. But there was a lot of good times too. I promise. There was there was actually a lot more good times than bad. Just we did have a lot of bad things happen really close together. But there was lots of good times, I promise. It was so good. We still have had a very wonderful marriage.

SPEAKER_03 39:56

We really have, we really have. And you weren't the only one who was spiraling. I I regret so much all the times I spent trying to run the show or nag you into action. Even as someone who is trying to be a godly wife, there was so much I did wrong. It it truly does cause strife and pain when the husband and wife are pulling in different directions, just like you said. But ladies, I I can assure you that no amount of nagging or trying to control the situation did anything. It didn't do anything to help my husband get out of his lump of depression and become the strong spiritual leader and driven man that he is today. It was truly all the work of God in his heart. That it's it's the truth.

SPEAKER_01 40:49

Amen.

SPEAKER_03 40:50

The the best thing and the only thing you can do if you are in a situation like we went through is to just pray, trust the Lord, and keep faithfully serving your man. If it is part of God's plan to transform him, he will make that happen in his own time and his own way. So, speaking of the wife, I think that leads us right into the wife's role. Because if the husband is setting the direction, the question becomes what does it look like for the wife to come alongside that? So, Daniel, how would you describe a wife's role in supporting and expanding her husband's vision?

SPEAKER_00 41:38

Well, it's essential. God tells us, you know, in Genesis that it's not good for a man to be alone. And so he makes him a helper suitable. So I would say it's uh, you know, your strengths, your perspective that helps add to our mission. Uh, Michael Foster says, Because as a man goes, so goes his household. As the church goes, so goes society. So when you join my mission with yours, we're not competing, we're building together.

SPEAKER_03 42:12

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

Uh your gift of hospitality, your creativity, your care for our kids, they don't pull away from the mission, they serve it. Uh, I know in our marriage that I often get so caught up in the grind of work and commuting and all my other responsibilities that I do that I can be forgetful of the big picture. And a lot of times you come alongside me and and you just kind of gently remind me of the bigger picture and to help keep me on the path.

SPEAKER_03 42:45

Okay, awesome. So, what are some unique things wives bring that help their husbands live out their mission more fully?

SPEAKER_00 42:55

Yeah, they give a reason why. Um, as men, it's easy to get discouraged through the grind of everyday labors and responsibilities. But a wife gives like a physical manifestation of why the husband's doing what he's doing. So, like, whenever I'm at work, like I was saying earlier, you know, you guys believe certain things about me. Uh you and the boys that believe certain things about me. And that I am a certain type of man. And so whenever things might happen when that are a little scary, um, I know I need to get over it and uh, you know, either come back with my shield or on it.

SPEAKER_03 43:38

I love that scene so much. And ladies, if if you don't know what he's referring to, he's talking about the women from Sparta. Sparta. Yeah. Who would say that to their husbands before sending them out into battle. So good. That's that's the kind of wife I want to strive to be. Okay, so I want to show. Shift gears a bit here. Sometimes women feel like if they don't have their own mission, they'll lose themselves. But Genesis 2 reminds us, God said, It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make a helper fit for him. So we see obviously that this is not a small role, it's essential. So Hun, what would you say to a wife who feels like aligning with her husband's mission somehow means she's less important or she's struggling with wanting her own thing?

SPEAKER_00 44:34

Well, first of all, I would say that if you're afraid to support your husband because you're worried about what it would cost you, then you're more concerned about loving yourself than him, and why did you get married in the first place?

SPEAKER_01 44:46

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 44:47

Marriage requires you to lay your life down. Uh your priority as a wife should be my life for yours, not but what about my me time? With that said, however, I would say that a faithful wife who is managing her time well should still be able to have her own projects and interests.

SPEAKER_01 45:07

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 45:08

I think of you, how you helped run the homeschool co-op at our church, and now you started a magazine and podcast, but you have ordered your own home so well that what you have planted in faithfulness has borne so much fruit that you are able to provide your own thing, so to speak. But the thing is that even those things that you do aren't about pursuing your own thing for the sake of bringing glory or satisfaction to yourself, they are an overflow of the work that you are already doing as a part of the mission of our home. So even a wife's pursuits that are independent of her husband should still be with the mindset of blessing her people, not something with a separate mission that would be taking away from them.

SPEAKER_03 45:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:53

If a wife is struggling with some sense of needing some independence so she doesn't lose herself, well then she just needs to get over it and realize that's what marriage is. It's literally the husband and wife giving their lives for each other every day.

SPEAKER_03 46:09

Yeah, I think this is where a lot of marriages go south. Both the husband and the wife feel this entitlement to have their own things, and so they go their separate ways or commit to things that aren't unifying their home. Everything becomes a competition or a fight over who gets the most time to themselves. You know, the mission becomes their individual happiness instead of the glory of God to be managed in their marriage. Like you were saying in the beginning, the chief end of life is to glorify God. And that also means that the chief end of marriage is to glorify God. If husbands and wives saw their marriage as fulfilling that ultimate purpose instead of this fight over who gets their way most of the time, I think couples would be a lot less concerned with what they were losing and more excited about the impact that their unified marriage could have on the kingdom of God. So, with that said, I know some wives might be listening to this and thinking, this all sounds great, but my husband doesn't really have a clear sense of mission or vision for our family. So, Daniel, how can a wife help a husband who doesn't yet have that clarity? How can a wife help a husband who doesn't have a clear sense of what his mission, vision, or purpose is?

SPEAKER_00 47:33

Uh let's see. I'd say the wife needs to remember she can't force her husband into a vision. Uh almost always backfires epically. Um but she can encourage him. Uh sometimes men hesitate to lead because they're afraid of failing. Because maybe they're in the situation they're in because they failed before and they don't want to screw up again and let everyone down again. So a wife's respect and patience and prayers can make all the difference. Uh a wife can do several things. Ask gentle, open-ended questions like, what do you want our family to be about? Where do you sense God leading us? Those questions can invite conversation rather than pressure. And I'd say create an atmosphere of trust, uh, not accusation. So you could say, I'm with you, I believe in you. How can I help you walk this out? You don't take over his mission, but you create a space for him to discover it and step into it.

SPEAKER_03 48:41

Yeah, I've seen this in other marriages and experienced this myself many times. Obviously, nagging or pushing doesn't produce vision, it just pushes your husband away. I think of uh 1 Peter 3 where Peter says that even if a husband doesn't obey the word, he can be won over by his wife's respectful and pure conduct.

SPEAKER_00 49:05

Yeah, exactly. A wife can ask good, gentle questions too, like what do you want our family to be about, or how can I help you lead us toward Christ? Sometimes that helps a husband to start to articulate what he's been sensing but hasn't put into words. And if he really doesn't know, him leading the family in prayer or reading scripture together can be the first step toward clarity.

SPEAKER_03 49:30

So for the wife in that situation, and ladies, listen up, because this is super important. The answer is not to create your own mission and drag your husband along. It's to patiently encourage him, pray for him, and make it clear that you are ready to follow when he leads. You don't take the reins because your husband has laid them down. You make space for him to pick them back up. You do whatever you can to embolden him and build his confidence, not belittle him. When you when you have a husband who is struggling to lead, I I understand that this takes massive trust in the Lord, not to mention the tremendous courage it takes to let go of control and sacrifice and putting your heart at risk. But let me tell you, when you submit to God's design for you as a wife, it is so worth it. So I have another question for you. What are some small things wives might not realize actually discourage or undermine their husband's leadership?

SPEAKER_00 50:42

Yeah, uh little cutting remarks that show disrespect, undermining what he says to the kids because you as a wife disagree with it. It's fine to disagree, but discuss it in private. Don't undermine him in front of the kids because it makes him look and feel small to his kids, and it shows that he doesn't actually lead, but mom does. And uh earlier we were talking about asking open-ended questions and questions, but too many questions is gonna be something that that will probably rub them the wrong way too, and feel naggy if you're not careful about it.

SPEAKER_03 51:22

Yeah, I would also add things like interrupting or correcting an everyday conversation. These are things that women do that totally communicate that the wife thinks she knows better than her husband. So just being a good listener and practicing humility by not being a know-it-all goes a long way with making a guy feel respected.

SPEAKER_01 51:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:46

Yeah. Okay, so let's get really practical here. What are some everyday ways a wife can encourage and support her husband in his mission?

SPEAKER_00 51:57

Yeah. Um, well, like you were saying, Ephesians tells us what men need from their wives is respect. If a man is married to a woman that is constantly belittling him and disrespecting him, then he'll be miserable. And like Proverbs says, he's better off on a corner of the roof. Um and in addition to respect, I would suggest saying the good things you think about your husband to him. Uh you'd be amazed how little respect and compliments men get just in their day-to-day lives. Like, ladies, a compliment from you, your your husband will ride that for like two weeks. Um you know, there's this famous quote from Thoreau and Walden that says, the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. So just think the difference you can make with just a a silly little heartfelt compliment. Uh if you think your husband's handsome, tell him. If you admire how hard he works, tell him. If he's a great protector and makes you feel safe, then tell him from time to time how safe he makes you feel. Uh cook meals for him.

SPEAKER_01 53:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 53:06

The way to a man it's true. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And also, you know, a little flirting goes a long way, you know. Uh it's good for a man to feel desired by his wife and to have her show him through her words and actions.

SPEAKER_03 53:20

Yeah, these are all so good, and I so agree. And none of the things you mentioned should create a fear of the wife disappearing. It means she flourishes within the mission of her family. Her strength, wisdom, and gifts don't compete with her husbands, they amplify them. And when she does, her husband thrives, her children thrive, and Christ ultimately is glorified. From a wife's perspective, I want to add a list of a few practical things as well for our listeners to take away. So, first, I would say thank him specifically for leadership that you've seen. This affirms him. Ask him how his week is going, what burdens he carries, and then listen. Use your gifts to free him to lead. So if you see something you can handle, such as logistics, home rhythms, kids' schedule, take it so he has margin to focus. Does he run a business? Can you help with certain aspects of it? Over the years, I've helped you with a lot of administrative tasks like creating resumes or business plans. These are all ways that a wife can practically use her skills to make her husband more successful. And then I'd also say to protect the home's culture, aim for peace, order, and hospitality so that the mission has a strong base. Make your hospitality a reflection of your husband's generosity, not your entertainment skills. That's a really important one. And then align your yeses with the mission. If an outside commitment pulls you away from the family mission, reevaluate your participation in it. And if this is something you need to say no to. And probably more often than not, you'll need to say no to it. Okay, so before we close, hun, what is one piece of encouragement that you would give to wives who are listening?

SPEAKER_00 55:25

I'd say your role matters far more than you realize. You're not just following your husband, you are amplifying the mission God has given him. And by extension, the mission God has given your family. Even when things feel small, your faithfulness matters. So, wives, stand firm, serve well, build your home, and your influence will ripple beyond what you see.

SPEAKER_03 55:53

That was so good, babe. Thank you so much for sharing all that and for being so humble and willing to let God use your story. I'm so grateful for you and that I've been able to be a part of it. It's all it's all been so worth it.

SPEAKER_00 56:10

Thank you for having me on, and uh I hope some of you were able to find this helpful.

SPEAKER_03 56:17

And and to you, dear listeners, I hope that our story was encouraging to you today, and that through it, not only are you able to see how beautiful and powerful it is when a marriage is on mission according to God's design, but how gracious our God is to redeem and make all things new, no matter what hardships, failures, or disappointments you've faced. Before we close, here's the takeaway I want to leave you with. Ecclesiastes 4 says, Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. That's what we're talking about here. Marriage is not meant to be two competing agendas. In a biblical marriage, the husband leads with vision, the wife comes alongside to amplify and expand it, and together the family thrives with one shared mission under Christ. To conclude this podcast, I want to issue you a charge to go further up and further in the calling the Lord has given you. Before I do that, though, I want to thank you for joining me on the Keeping the Citadel podcast. If this episode blessed you, I'd love for you to share it with a friend who needs the same encouragement. Please help us get the word out. It helps so much more than you know. And don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss the journey ahead. Also, just a quick reminder and plug for our magazine, we've got orders for the winner issue closing soon, so don't forget to subscribe to get your print issue today. You can sign up for your copy at keepingthecitadel.com. With that said, here is my charge to you. Wives, the world tells you to chase your own mission, to build your own platform, to craft your own name. But scripture tells a better story. It calls you to something enduring, to build what lasts through the godly legacy of a covenantal marriage. Your husband needs your support, he needs your love, and most of all, he needs you as his partner in the work he is called to. Pray for your husband, respect him, ask him what his vision is, and tell him you're with him. And then pour your gifts, your creativity, your wisdom, your love into amplifying that mission. When you do, you're not only blessing your husband, you're building a legacy, you're shaping the next generation, and most of all, you're displaying the gospel to a watching world. Your husband's calling is your calling too. Your job is not to fade into silence, but to fortify your husband's purpose. Your purpose is not to grasp for center stage, but to strengthen the mission God has given your family. Proverbs 31 says, the heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. Will you be the wife who brings her husband gain? Ask your husband today, what has God called you to build? Then set your hands to the same work. Shake the home that makes the mission possible. Pray over it, protect it, nurture it. Be that woman whose husband safely trusts in her. The one whose faithfulness outlasts time. The one whose labor echoes through generations. The one who builds her husband's mission and by doing so helps build the kingdom. Embrace your high calling as a wife, live a better story in your marriage, and keep the flame of your citadel burning brightly.