God Was Awake When He Made You, But Your Cash App Was Asleep

We crack open the vault of DMs and dating profiles that made us laugh, gag, and set firmer boundaries. From the one-word “smash” to an unsolicited lecture on makeup, from corny poetry to outright fetish requests, we map the messy middle of modern dating and talk about the signals you should never ignore. We’re on Facebook Dating and Hinge for this one, and the receipts are unfiltered.

We get into why certain openers are more than cheesy—they’re pressure tests for intimacy and compliance. Love-bombing that jumps to “marry me,” gaslighting disguised as concern about your schedule, and bios that dump emotional labor with “no more depression, please” are all tells. There’s a jeweler bribing with diamonds, a foot-rub poet, and the dreaded Friday-night text that turns green because someone went “offline” for their other life. We also unpack bias-laced compliments about looks and ethnicity, the hypocrisy of filter-policing, and the difference between confidence and self-owning desperation.

If you’ve ever wondered whether humor can be a boundary, we show how a sharp one-liner can shut down low-value advances without a fight. We talk practical moves: clear profiles and photos, verifying before investing, noting weekend patterns, and refusing to educate strangers who ignore what you’re seeking. Expect cringe, cackles, and a few survival rules you’ll want to keep. And yes, we’re planning a part two—because the archive is deep and the britches pic lives rent free.

If this made you laugh or helped you set a line, follow, share with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review. Your support helps more people find the show and keeps the chaos coming—just the good kind.

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Transcript

Quick Thanks And Audio Apology

SPEAKER_04 0:01

Hey guys, it's Nicole. I just wanted to take a minute and thank you all for listening to us. We really appreciate it and we're having a great time. With that being said, I just want to apologize for my audio on this video. I was using my phone because I forgot my computer and it just didn't really work out. So note it. I promise I won't do it again. And enjoy the episode. Bye.

SPEAKER_02 0:26

We're back after a little hiatus for the holidays.

SPEAKER_06 0:30

Yes, a little Christmas break.

SPEAKER_02 0:32

Yeah. A little hectic time. I'd love to never do a holiday ever again.

SPEAKER_06 0:36

Seriously. Over it.

SPEAKER_02 0:39

Over it. But we're coming back with a banger.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Coming in hot.

Post-Holiday Return And Setup

SPEAKER_02 0:47

Yeah, I have some really good conversations and dating profiles that I have kept in my archives to talk about.

SPEAKER_06 0:59

Yeah. I, you know, I've only had a little taste of the conversations that you have with men on the internet, and it's pretty ridiculous. And I only I only know, I mean, a very small percentage.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

So yes, I'm so excited for this.

SPEAKER_06 1:14

Interesting.

SPEAKER_02 1:15

All right. Do we want to get into it? Yeah. All right. These are like like things that people have like commented on my photos. Like this is how they initiate a conversation. If you've never been on a dating app, like you can comment, you can just swipe whatever. These show up in my likes. So the first one is Smash.

SPEAKER_06 1:38

On your photo.

Dating App Landscape Reality Check

SPEAKER_06 1:40

Yep. So wait, I have a question real quick because I okay. So I haven't been. I the last dating app that I or not, it wasn't even an app, it was a website was plenty of fish. This was before Tinder. Tinder was not a thing. So I know Tinder's obviously for hooking up. So is this just like on like what kind of website is this? You don't say for app, whatever.

SPEAKER_02 2:01

So I'm on Facebook dating.

SPEAKER_06 2:03

Or is it like looking for a husband site?

SPEAKER_02 2:06

Uh they're all hookup sites. None of that, like they say that they're not, but like realistically, 95% of men just want to have sex. Sure. So this is Facebook dating and hinge. I'm not on like Tinder or anything like that, because that's just like fully like ridiculous, you know.

SPEAKER_06 2:24

Okay, okay, okay. So that's crazy to just say smash. I mean, it's nice, I guess, but it's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

So it's like you can put what you're looking for. So like mine says long-term relationship, but like other people will say casual, whatever. Like, dude, you see that I'm looking for a long-term relationship, and you just put smash. Yeah. I can't. You're waiting for my time. Yeah.

Shock Openers And Deal-Breaker Bios

SPEAKER_02 2:46

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 2:47

Your hair looks really pretty today.

SPEAKER_02 2:49

When is the last time that you went somewhere and you forgot your makeup? You motherfucker.

SPEAKER_06 2:57

Wait, what? Somebody commented that.

SPEAKER_02 3:00

Yep. That's how like, like, yep. And his profile says, Deal breakers for me include owning a cat, fearing large crowds, abstaining from alcohol, and being physically conservative.

SPEAKER_06 3:14

Bye. What? First of all, how would dare he think that you would go anywhere without makeup? Like, no offense, but like, girl, you got that lip gloss in your car, in your purse. Like, is that considered is lip gloss considered makeup?

SPEAKER_02 3:29

Also, I am a makeup artist. There's pictures of me doing makeup on here. Like, yeah. Okay, sir. And he's 49. I you would be fucking, it would be an honor for me to go out with you. My 35-year-old ass with a 50-year-old. Simmered down.

SPEAKER_05 3:47

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 3:48

I can't. When is that's the same one? Never mind. Let's make babies and be my girlfriend. Wow. Let's are we doing the babies first and the girlfriend after? Like, how are we doing this?

SPEAKER_06 4:05

Be my girlfriend. Wow, that's pretty direct.

SPEAKER_02 4:09

Yep. Yep. He says all of us will be dealing with mental, physical, emotional, and decline and diseases and death. This is his profile. Or find someone to be with, or live a sad existence. Or just dying super lonely and unloved, unhappy person. I work as a security guard, being your daddy. I'm only here to find women to connect and make babies with.

SPEAKER_06 4:36

Wait, so is he saying that like basically the world's gonna end and he just needs to probe? Like, what's happening? First of all, sir, security guard, how much child support do you expect to have to pay with all these children? Because you can't afford it.

SPEAKER_02 4:52

He's 45.

SPEAKER_06 4:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 4:55

Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

Jesus Christ. That's right. Okay, this is a this is you know, this is this guy, you know, a huge gentleman. I had to pass. Yeah, I would definitely eat your ass from behind you.

SPEAKER_06 5:17

Okay, wait. So is this just like like

Extreme Proposals And Fetish DMs

SPEAKER_06 5:20

these comments, everyone can see them? Like they it looks like a Facebook comment. Okay, so just need to see them.

SPEAKER_02 5:25

So like you see a profile. So like say I like see a guy's profile, like you can just swipe, right? And then it show you show up in their likes, or you can also comment on their picture and then they see the comment with the like.

SPEAKER_06 5:37

So this is basically instead of sending like a first message of like, hey, what's up? You're just like writing a cute comment. And he thinks that that's a cute comment. All of these, right? But that one's like really aggressive. It's ridiculous, it's very forward.

SPEAKER_02 5:57

Good morning. I'm Tally from Cranston, Rhode Island, Cuban-oriented, family, and educated. Oh, let's see. Profile says if you're using any kind of filters or you love that makeup shit, pass why is he messaging you at all? That's what I mean. I have makeup on in nine out of ten of my photos.

SPEAKER_06 6:18

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:20

Okay, bye. Like, what? Also is okay, but don't go five extra miles with it with all due respect, no hot feelings.

SPEAKER_06 6:30

How about just don't comment? How about you just mind?

SPEAKER_02 6:34

Makeup's my whole life, sir.

SPEAKER_06 6:36

What? Yeah, exactly. I can't, but like he doesn't why does he doesn't know you? Why is he telling you anything? Just fucking swipe.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

This is why they're single.

SPEAKER_06 6:46

Wait, left is a is a bad one. Left is go fuck yourself. Okay, great.

SPEAKER_02 6:49

Right is I like you, left is no.

SPEAKER_06 6:51

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:53

Okay, this one. No doubt you have the prettiest eyes on here. I'm a jeweler in Boston. I'd love to invite you to drinks and to check out my diamonds. He is four foot nine.

SPEAKER_06 7:05

Oh a poor short king. He's just trying to listen. He has messaged so many women, and everyone, nobody responds that now he's literally bribing people with diamonds.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

I mean, and I could have said yes, and I said no.

SPEAKER_06 7:24

Well, yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

But this poor man he looks like he's lost on Lord of the Rings.

SPEAKER_06 7:30

But like, but like is his head a dramatic? He's not cute.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

Oh, poor little man. Definitely very successful. He's got no women dragging him down.

SPEAKER_06 7:42

Clearly. He's already down. There's no you can't get much more.

SPEAKER_02 7:47

Very successful, man. All right, right. Wow, wow, wow. Why are you so pretty? Oh my god, I swear God was awake when he made you gorgeous, like you. I would make sure you smile every day. Can I spoil you? Send me your cash app. So I did.

SPEAKER_06 8:06

Did you send you any money?

SPEAKER_02 8:08

No. So I called him a fraud and I deleted him. You called him a fraud. I literally sent it to him. I said, wait, yes, you can't spoil me. Here it is. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 8:27

This okay, his whole comment just really opened my eyes because now I'm gonna see now I'm gonna think that ugly people were created when God was sleeping. Like now, he was sleeping. That's why you're ugly because he fell asleep and just didn't, you know, your eyes a little wonky because that was the he was making.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

He drank too much wine with that person.

SPEAKER_06 8:56

He just went to sleep. He was because God must have been awake when he made you. So you know, this guy is a philosopher. I just got a whole new outlook on life.

SPEAKER_02 9:12

I totally overlooked that part. I just ignored it and I went straight to the cash app.

SPEAKER_06 9:20

Well, yeah, you're like bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

So now I'm like, wait, he's rich and intelligent. Why did I why did I call him a fraud?

SPEAKER_06 9:29

Well, he didn't. I mean, you can't say send me your cash app and then not do anything. You could have sent at least five dollars. That's what I mean. Yeah, but five dollars you would have judged him. It's funny, you can't even get a coffee for five dollars.

SPEAKER_02 9:41

Seven.

SPEAKER_06 9:43

Yeah.

Filters, Makeup, And Hypocrisy

SPEAKER_02 9:45

Like coffee's on. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 9:47

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 9:48

Don't be a fraud.

SPEAKER_06 9:50

Rude.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

I mean, I'm judging you no matter what. You could send me a hundred and I'm like, that's it! All right. Okay, this this is hey queen, how's your snow day? Also, have you had any experience having a slave or a pig? Limits, etc. He says two hours later. Nope. Then he responds, what do you do for work? You a baby mama? You know how Indian men worship blonde women like you. I'm no different. I said, Oh great, I'm two times business owner. You want to help me fund them?

SPEAKER_06 10:33

I don't even know where to begin. Can we go back to the beginning of all the uh livestock comment? What was it? What were the animals?

SPEAKER_02 10:42

Have you had any experience having a slave or pig?

SPEAKER_06 10:46

Slave or pig.

SPEAKER_02 10:48

What why is that relevant at all? Also, I'm only 35. We haven't like what wait I don't need a slave yet.

SPEAKER_06 11:01

Well, it's fucking 2026. Like slave? Are we? I'm assuming you mean sex slave, but also weird because then you put it in there with a pig. Like, what's a pig have to do? And you're Indian. I don't think. Do they have something with pigs? Do they like worship? No, they don't eat pigs, right? Don't think pigs are some of the earth.

SPEAKER_02 11:22

So he's like he wants me to treat him like that.

SPEAKER_06 11:26

Oh, gross.

SPEAKER_02 11:28

I would love to. I actually treat all men like that.

unknown 11:32

Right?

SPEAKER_06 11:32

And then he said that you're what do you do for work? You're a professional baby mama.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

Yeah. Oh. He said, What do you do for work? You a baby mama. I am a baby mama and I run two businesses. You want to help me fund them? Yeah, for real. You want to be my slave bitch?

SPEAKER_06 11:54

Oink, oink, motherfucker.

SPEAKER_02 11:56

Oink, oink, bitch. Get on the ground. Make me some money, motherfucker. All right, Kyle 32. Hey, you smoke?

Bribes, Cash Apps, And No-Pay Flexes

SPEAKER_02 12:05

Let's chill. I have one kid too.

SPEAKER_06 12:10

This is just like a very weird thing to say, like at the very beginning.

SPEAKER_02 12:17

Like, also, like, I have on my profile that like I'm an entrepreneur. I don't put what I do. I mean, it's kind of obvious, but like, you think I want to sit is smoke with you?

SPEAKER_06 12:30

I don't even know you, motherfucker. I'm not gonna get high with you. And also, where can your kid write in the sentence right? It's probably the same sentence, let's be honest. It's not a period.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

I have one kid too.

SPEAKER_06 12:42

Yeah, so what? So you say the kid thing, so like was this a play day now? We get high, and then our kids can play.

SPEAKER_02 12:50

Like, what chill, chill, no motherfucker. You're taking me out on a date. I'm a 35-year-old grown ass woman.

SPEAKER_06 12:57

Chill, I'm not chilling with anybody's basement and smoke your fucking gross ass weed. But you probably didn't get them from the dispensary because you broke.

SPEAKER_02 13:06

It's mids.

SPEAKER_06 13:08

No, no, weird.

SPEAKER_02 13:10

You got a dime bag. All right. Exactly. And he wants to go halves on it. I can't. All right, anyways. Alex 47. Will you marry me, sweetheart?

SPEAKER_06 13:25

Okay, I guess that's like see, I think that like men think that like that's what we want to hear. So they're like, oh, this will get her attention.

SPEAKER_02 13:32

Well, clearly, he has no experience getting actual women because like it's on the spot. What will you marry me, sweetheart? What the fuck? Can we talk for a while?

SPEAKER_00 13:45

Throw back. Okay, this is a really good one. Ready? You're gonna have a field day with this one.

SPEAKER_02 13:52

Am I the only one who sounds out text on my head when reading it backwards like this? Yo, what?

SPEAKER_06 14:03

Wait, I'm gonna need you to repeat that. What?

SPEAKER_02 14:09

Hold on. Hold on. Because then we got the bio too that we also have to read. Okay. Okay, bio first and then we'll go back. You want me to read the bio now? I have a severe, severe phobia of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it. That was a joke.

SPEAKER_05 14:30

Okay, that is kind of funny.

SPEAKER_02 14:32

Yeah, but why is that his bio?

SPEAKER_06 14:35

I don't know, but I do like that joke. I think it's corny and lame, but the second you said I had a fear of speed bumps, I was like, who the fuck is this idiot? And then the joke made it like the end made it funnier because I was like, This guy sucks.

SPEAKER_02 14:51

So are we ready to hear this sentence again? Yes. Am I the only one who sounds out texts on my head when reading it backwards like this?

SPEAKER_06 15:08

Wait, can you read the whole thing backwards?

SPEAKER_02 15:11

This like backwards it reading when head my on text out sounds who won only the I am.

SPEAKER_06 15:19

I was hoping maybe he was being creative. He's just an idiot. Like, do you if you use talk to text? That's cool. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 15:27

I do what I'm driving, but on a dating app, you got one chance to get it right with me.

SPEAKER_06 15:33

Also, you looked at my what

Kinks, Slaves, And “Pig” Confusion

SPEAKER_06 15:35

are you fucking you're fucking looking at this while you're driving and then talk to texting? Like, I don't think you can do that. He's just an idiot. Like, how are we doing proofreading before you had sent? I'm judging you based on this lessons. I can't say idiot, the speed bump fear of speed bumps fucking weirdo.

SPEAKER_02 15:54

Yeah, okay. So I actually liked this guy and he sent me a message. Okay, here was his message, and I never responded. Jesus turned grapes into wine. I'm trying to turn you into mine, and so I definitely need to find out if your personality matches all this beauty. Text me back. I would love to show you to the world. Let's start with dinner, and the night with a foot rub.

SPEAKER_06 16:19

Okay, first of all, I appreciate you're scaring me. It's a poetry, okay? Because the beginning is like a poem. I feel like he probably saw it from the internet. He could have stopped there, but what? I know, but then it got bad. Then it got really weird. It kept coming. What a rob, sir. No, I don't even know you. Like, get the fuck out of here. But see, I think that these I think that women just like are fucking so desperate, and this is what they want to hear. And they're like, because I I mean I have clients that come in, like, oh my god, like it's like every three months they have like a different guide, and then they just drag they just like every time they come in, oh my god, I met this guy, he's amazing, he's the one, da da da. He said this, he said, and they say shit kind of like this. And I'm like, this, but like, I I'm not considering that it could be on like before they even meet, or like you know what I mean. So, like things that they're saying, like a normal person wouldn't say that for like at least I feel like five or six months, like you know, just conversation, but like what the like why is this acceptable? Because clearly it's a lot of people saying this shit all the time. You can't be the only one getting this like weird shit.

SPEAKER_02 17:34

No, definitely not.

SPEAKER_06 17:36

Why are you like it's you're making yourself seem like a fucking crepe?

SPEAKER_02 17:41

Okay, squeeze says I delete this at squee. Squee. S Q U E E. Squee. So he has a fake name, he has a fake name and he says, I delete this app for a healthy relationship with you. But you have a fake name. We're starting it off on a lie. What is healthy about this?

SPEAKER_06 18:02

Yeah, what do delusion, the delusion? I don't even fucking know you. Why can't they be like, hey girl, you look beautiful in this picture? Do you want to go out for a drink sometime?

SPEAKER_02 18:14

What if I'm a raging fucking psycho? Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_06 18:18

It's fucking weird. Yeah, I know. Be a normal person, like you're at calendar shopping, like, oh, you're judging someone based off a picture.

SPEAKER_02 18:27

I said that to one guy, it's coming up. Okay, this one's really good. This was so we so I we were talking. We're now in the chat, like we've made it past the swipe, no

Basement “Chill” Invites And Dad Energy

SPEAKER_02 18:40

red flags. We're in the chat, okay. He says, So he's asking me what I like to do. I ask him. Here we go. I like just chilling home, by the way. When it's nice out, I like going for walks and all that. Obviously, the gym and stuff. I put up my little pool in the summer and use that in my backyard. It's nice. I'll let you jump on me and hang on me in it. It's a saltwater pool, too. Wait, what can you picture me in someone's backyard in a pool?

SPEAKER_06 19:12

Jump in and splash no, no, absolutely not, and also I'll let you jump on me. Like, what that's so weird. Also, does he think that like, I mean, don't get me wrong, like, I don't have a pool, but does he think that like it sounds like this is like a you know, like one of those like little inflatable ones? Yes, it is. You know, you put it up every year, whatever, because we live here and it's cold. But like, that's not like a ball or move, you know.

SPEAKER_02 19:48

I wouldn't be on him and jump on him and splash around in it. 'Cause I just have like the basic that shit.

SPEAKER_06 19:55

But like that's not that's not you shouldn't want that, sir.

SPEAKER_02 20:01

Uh it it killed me. And I was just picturing me like jumping on him and like in a small little pool and like yo wet and I'm wet and it's like ill, you know, when you're wet touching somebody else, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 20:16

But also three feet of water happening.

SPEAKER_02 20:19

That's what I mean. So we're both just wet and like it's hot, and like that's not something I ever want to do. Nobody wants to see that the love of my life. I am not doing this.

SPEAKER_06 20:32

No, absolutely not.

SPEAKER_02 20:37

All right, could my wife and I take you out?

SPEAKER_06 20:44

No, sir.

SPEAKER_02 20:46

No, no, I'm not the side bitch, I'm the main bitch.

SPEAKER_06 20:52

Exactly. No, absolutely fucking not. You can't afford to have two because you're just gonna be what no.

SPEAKER_02 21:00

No, if you saw his picture, and I I hate to judge, but no, yeah, but you saw this happens all the time, which is ridiculous. Yeah, it happened. My friends, my friends, like couples that want to like add someone, like they've awkwardly asked me. Like one time I was at a bar and like my friend was like, Oh, my boyfriend, he really likes you, Sam. And I was like, Well, okay, and she's like, Go dance with him. And I was like, I feel weird. Also, like this might not end well. Yeah, I don't want to be involved at all, especially if you're friends with that person, you value their friendship, and like, girl, you're just insecure and like trying to seem cool. I know you.

SPEAKER_06 21:43

Even if you did,

Corny Jokes, Poetry, And Foot Rubs

SPEAKER_06 21:45

even if you did hook up, especially if I were to ever do that, it would have to be with a random. No, yeah, because so what now I'm gonna see you at my kid's birthday party, and like that's just gotta be awkward for everybody, kind of. I mean, I don't know, but what the fuck? This is a dating app, and it literally says that you're looking for a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

Men do not care, they don't, I don't think they read. I don't, they literally do not care.

SPEAKER_06 22:11

No, you should. Oh my god, I just have the greatest idea because they don't read, and I agree with you. You should on one of your pictures, you should just put like text that says like looking for a relationship, like all the things in your profile, just put it on the picture, like every picture, just put it right on there to be like them on my ass cheeks.

SPEAKER_02 22:31

Only DM me if you want to make me your wife when you're normal. Okay, ready? This is a good one. I love the simple ones, they just like I don't know, they just really they get me. Me, I like you, baby. Me.

SPEAKER_03 22:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

Me, I like you, baby.

SPEAKER_06 22:58

Wait, I don't understand why they're saying me.

SPEAKER_02 23:02

Neither, nobody knows.

SPEAKER_06 23:05

Like, you don't have to do that part. Like, we wouldn't know it's you. Yeah. Oh, can't okay.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

Here's a 60-year-old man. I don't know how my age range got up this high. At one point, I was probably like, you know what? If he's halfway to the grave, this might be good. And I like, I don't know what happened.

SPEAKER_06 23:27

60 because I would love to read how like a 75-year-old man is gonna talk to you.

SPEAKER_02 23:34

Okay, so let me, I'll I'll I'll raise the bar later.

SPEAKER_06 23:39

Just like get rid of the 30s and 40s and just go straight from 50.

SPEAKER_02 23:42

I was just gonna say, we should just do like uh old man edition. Yes, perfect.

SPEAKER_05 23:48

I love that.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

Okay, want to play. Okay, gross. The old men are the nastiest. There's another one in here.

SPEAKER_06 24:02

Man, yeah, we definitely gotta you gotta change your what you're looking for. We need all the old.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

This is hilarious. I wish that I could go back to like 2022 when I was in the height of my like, I was like just going at them. Like, I was like, wow, this guy messages me on one of my photos and goes, I think we matched once before, and you called me Bucko, and it's the only time anybody has ever called me that. And honestly, it's really stayed with me.

SPEAKER_06 24:36

That's so true, probably. I could see you saying that. He called me Bucko. Also, is that why is it like that word means nothing to me? Like, what I mean? It's because he's probably like that girl's whacked and I liked it. Oh she called me bucko when I really I really stayed with me. Stranger, call me Bucko.

SPEAKER_00 25:07

I can't.

SPEAKER_02 25:11

Okay, this is a good one. When are you available for tequila and food together? I just never respond to him. I don't know.

Fake Names And “Healthy Relationship” Claims

SPEAKER_02 25:20

Something happened to me. I got into one of the phases where I was like, I'm done with this. He responds three months later. How did I fumble this? I said, LOL, you're catching on quick. I said, no one ever knows, me included. He says, when I stop getting a response, I'll just take a two or three month break. I said, I don't know, sorry. I was probably in a movement mood and just ghosted you. He said, Yeah, maybe it saves you, maybe it makes you miss out. Either way, neither one of us will ever know.

SPEAKER_06 25:48

Well, at least he's saying like bye.

SPEAKER_02 25:51

Yeah, poor guy. Oops. Okay, here's Alvy. He says, My lord, don't know how anyone doesn't immediately fold like origami when they see you. I haven't thought of origami since I was in like third grade. Thank you, Alvy, for that memory.

SPEAKER_06 26:16

Oh, he's just trying to he's trying to have a pickup line, an original pickup line, and it's just not working.

SPEAKER_02 26:22

It was cute, but if he was cute, I maybe would have gone for it, but yeah. Yep. Okay, right. Here we go. A 50-year-old. You kinda got a big booty.

SPEAKER_06 26:39

Um, first of all, you do. There's no kinda.

SPEAKER_02 26:43

You kinda got a big booty. Also, what am I supposed to say to that?

SPEAKER_06 26:49

Exactly. Thank you. Kinda thanks. Also, yeah, exactly. Kinda thanks. Yeah, kinda thank you. You kinda

Small Pools, Big Ick

SPEAKER_06 27:00

are an idiot.

SPEAKER_02 27:01

This must have been when I upped my age range because we have another this one's 52. He looks 67. So there's that. Sexy cleavage, kissy face, kissy face, kissy face, kissy face.

SPEAKER_05 27:14

The old people are the best.

SPEAKER_02 27:16

No, they're fucking to do this.

SPEAKER_05 27:18

I can't wait. I'm so excited.

SPEAKER_02 27:20

Oh, they make me sick.

SPEAKER_05 27:22

So excited.

SPEAKER_02 27:24

Okay, Tim. We've made it to the chat. Me and Tim are having a convo. Oh I asked, what do you do? Cop, you cop. Makeup artist. I say this with every single cop. This is my line. Oh, okay. You gonna look me up in your database? I haven't renewed my CDL to drive around with this dump truck. He says, Ha ha, I need to come arrest you then. He must have been joking with me earlier, and I said, You're not the only one with jokes around, Tia Tim. Bucko. Bucko. Yep, I say that to every cop when they tell me they're a cop. I say, Oh no, don't look me up in the database. I'm driving around with an unregistered vehicle.

SPEAKER_05 28:14

Love it. I love it. That's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 28:18

Okay, this guy, we've made it to the chat. I'm talking about how I'm going shopping and I'm buying new sneakers. And I said, Oh, being bad today. I'm misbehaving. He's I said, he said, I love it. If this is misbehaving, I wonder how you truly are when you misbehave. Can we ever keep it like, can we just talk about the shoes? Like what? Do we have to take it there? Like, why? I said, I'm an angel. He says, That's how I know you not. I go, lol. Because like I'm done with you now. Yeah. He says, What you get in me? I said, a knuckle sandwich, show you how angelic I am.

Couples’ Offers And Boundary Lines

SPEAKER_02 29:07

Where does this shit come from? I impressed myself. I'm like reading these back and I'm like, wow, I'm really, I really am a savage.

SPEAKER_06 29:16

No, I personally I can't wait for Greg. I hope that Greg's message is on here. Greg's thread. You sent me Greg's.

SPEAKER_02 29:27

Oh, it's in here somewhere. Okay. Me and Luke. Okay, so me and Luke made it. We were talking on the phone, me and Luke. So me and Luke has he has my number, right? It was a moment of desperation, I think. You know, you know when you're ovulating. When I'm ovulating, I will drop down like three levels.

SPEAKER_06 29:52

You're just as sweet as pie.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

It's like beer goggles. Oh, okay. No, because I think I'm like horny or something. My body's like, so like if you're like, if I'm going for like, I probably I feel like I go for like what'd you say?

SPEAKER_06 30:06

Body's trying to get pregnant. You're ovulating.

SPEAKER_02 30:08

Literally. Like, ew, can we not do that with like these gross men? Stop.

SPEAKER_06 30:12

These aren't there's not it.

SPEAKER_02 30:14

I feel like I like like sevens. Like you're not super hot. You're not fucking ugly.

SPEAKER_06 30:23

They if they really if a seven got in during ovulation and they really wowed you.

SPEAKER_02 30:30

That's really their no, but this would be a five. Like when I'm ovulating, I'm going for fives.

SPEAKER_06 30:37

Oh, you mean normally you're at a seven? Oh fuck, man. Everyone's got a chance when you're ovulating. Damn.

SPEAKER_02 30:45

Okay, so we got this five over here, Luke. And I'm like texting him, calling him, and then like I hop out of the ovulation stage, and I'm like, bitch, what the fuck are we doing? Right. So I like skirt skirt.

SPEAKER_06 30:58

Well, it's like you woke up and you're like, I woke up.

SPEAKER_02 31:00

All right. So he has my phone number, whatever. He messages me back on the dating app because I'm probably ignoring him. Sam, this is mind you, this is like two months later. Sam, what's good? I said, Hey, thought you forgot about me. Hoped you did. He goes, I did, but Facebook reminded me.

SPEAKER_06 31:22

Thanks.

SPEAKER_02 31:23

I said, Wow, I'm so flattered. He says, I'd like to take you out soon. We could go out to dinner or buy some eucalyptus plants.

SPEAKER_06 31:39

Wait, hold on. So it's one or the other? Like you can either have dinner or you can buy we plants that I've never mentioned to you. Eucalyptus, that's so weird.

SPEAKER_02 31:57

Why did my body do me like this?

One-Word Flirts And “Old Man Edition”

SPEAKER_03 32:00

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 32:02

Okay, this is a good one. I love this one. This is Savage Sam came right up.

SPEAKER_03 32:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:08

So this is Daniel. He's all over the Are We Dating the Same Guy page because after I noticed something was up, I went in and I Googled him and I found out he's a serial cheater narcissist, blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_05 32:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 32:20

So we're we're talking, texting, calling, whatever. Everything's going well. It's Friday night.

SPEAKER_06 32:27

You know that he's on all the apps or on the meeting. Okay, okay. No, I hadn't looked him up yet.

SPEAKER_02 32:33

So once I get a red flag, then I'm like, let me look him up. Oh, before a date, let me look. So this is like Friday night, and I'm like, I go to text him and it goes to green. So like he's the phone's off, or he's blocked me. And I'm like, this motherfucker blocked me on a Friday night. So I'm like, oh, he's got he's got a girlfriend.

SPEAKER_06 32:58

He doesn't want anyone, he probably blocked everyone he was talking to, so that his girlfriend didn't notice that his phone was blowing up. Gross.

SPEAKER_02 33:07

Gross.

SPEAKER_06 33:08

I never even thought that that was a thing, but okay.

SPEAKER_02 33:10

Sunday night, 8 15. Hola mama. I said, LOL, why'd you block me, Daniel?

SPEAKER_05 33:22

Oh no. Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 33:24

He reads it, doesn't respond. And I write, Adios, Papa.

SPEAKER_06 33:37

That's a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 33:43

All right, here's this guy says he's 46. Def not. No. This man is fucking late 60s. I'd love to taste your juice. I'll make your pussy smile.

SPEAKER_06 34:06

I would like to know who that line works on. And if it's you, can you please like email us? Because I'd like to interview you. Like what?

SPEAKER_02 34:18

Simply designed, gentlemen. This is his bio. Love to have a laugh. I love women who smile and are ready for a laugh. Make me laugh. No more depression, please. If you want fun, stop by. Decent

Compliments, Bodies, And Emoji Overload

SPEAKER_02 34:30

honest man. I love to spoil my lady. I mean it. Up for it anytime. Try me.

SPEAKER_06 34:37

Yeah. The whole thing. Also, he said laugh like 42 times.

SPEAKER_00 34:43

No more depression.

SPEAKER_06 34:45

No more depression, please.

SPEAKER_02 34:50

I can't. Okay, here's Jeff. Jeff's like kind of cute. He's probably a seven. Right in my range. Well, well, well. If it isn't the prettiest girl in Mansfield, did not expect a like back from you. I said, well, that's fucking reassuring, Jeff. Oh. He says, just figured you were too cute for little old me. What are you up to tonight? I said, wow, Jeff, confidence is oozing out of your pores.

SPEAKER_06 35:22

Yeah. Little old. No. Both of those things are not compliments to yourself. Don't say little.

SPEAKER_02 35:28

I have plenty of self-confidence. I'm just goofing around, trying to gas you up a little.

SPEAKER_06 35:35

No.

SPEAKER_02 35:36

No.

SPEAKER_06 35:37

No. Unmatch. The beginning part. The first message wasn't bad, but then the second one was weird.

SPEAKER_02 35:44

All right. This is fucking gold. This is gold. I wish I could show you the photos. I'll send them to you. So I get a request on Snapchat, and I'm like, is this somebody from a dating app? Like it looks familiar. The name, the phase we probably matched before, and like talk before, and like now he's whatever. Okay. So I hit accept because I'm like, sometimes I'm on demon time and I want to fuck around and do this. So I'm like, accept. I instantly get three pictures. And they're all so one's a selfie, fine. The other one is the very tight pants with a huge moose knuckle. And then the other one, he's wearing like the only way that I can describe it is britches. He's wearing britches. Like pantaloons from like 1980, like britches. Like they're like short puffy shorts.

Cop Banter And The Database Joke

SPEAKER_02 36:55

Do you know what I'm talking about? They're like ladies that would wear them like like pilgrims would wear those like puffy shorts or dresses and stuff. Bridges.

SPEAKER_06 37:08

What? Like almost like almost like football pants. Like not as sh as long, but like like thigh-high football pants. Okay. Wait, is that the real picture? Yes. Oh my it looks like a diaper almost.

SPEAKER_02 37:28

Yeah, britches. So he goes. I said, I don't know you.

SPEAKER_06 37:36

Yeah, what is happening? So wait, this is after you accepted his request?

SPEAKER_02 37:41

Yeah, he sends me these. Okay. Jesus said today's gonna be a day, Sam. Okay. He says, Well, fuck, now I'm confused.

SPEAKER_06 37:54

You're confused.

SPEAKER_02 37:55

I said, LOL, nope, you added me. I said, and what's with the britches?

SPEAKER_06 38:02

What did he did he respond? He's probably like, oh, well, this isn't attractive. This isn't what women want.

SPEAKER_02 38:10

He's well, he's maybe he was talking to somebody and like thought it was them, and they were like, Yes, I love britches. And he was like, Let me send it to you.

SPEAKER_06 38:20

Also, I love his pose, the way he's standing with like his feet.

SPEAKER_00 38:25

Hold on.

SPEAKER_06 38:27

Feminine.

SPEAKER_00 38:27

This is the jeans, too. Wait, it's not clear.

SPEAKER_06 38:32

Oh, wait. Oh, okay. He's got the same exact stance. Oh, he has a cane. Okay. The cane. I don't understand. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 38:45

I don't understand it's like he stepped out of out of 1792.

SPEAKER_06 38:51

He's a fucking vampire. He for sure. Those are like his original clothes.

SPEAKER_00 38:56

He got off the Nina, the pin, and the Santa Maria and hopped into

Shoe Talk Turned Sexual

SPEAKER_00 39:00

my DMs.

SPEAKER_06 39:01

Yeah, all of them, Sam. Like all the books.

unknown 39:03

Like what?

SPEAKER_06 39:05

I can't. Snow's Ferato. It's definitely a vampire.

SPEAKER_02 39:10

Ridiculous. Okay, Greg. So are you presently dating? I said, like dating someone? I said, I'm single, single. I got nothing. Zilch, nada. Zero. Just you for now. Until you start talking about your moose knuckle. Then we'll be back at square one. This guy had done me in that day. Okay. Poor Greg got my wrath.

SPEAKER_06 39:41

Also like, are you dating? I mean, fucking obviously I'm on this website. I'm trying to date, idiot. Like, are you not dating? Like, what is the point of being on here?

SPEAKER_02 39:53

Dude, they're dumb.

SPEAKER_06 39:54

Retarded.

SPEAKER_02 39:58

What are you feeding me? I said nothing until you put a ring on it. What's in a girl dinner? I must have I was talking about girl dinner. He was asking me what I was having. I said, Oh, girl dinner. He says, Can I put a ring on it, baby? I said, laughing my ass off. He goes, That's an expensive dinner.

SPEAKER_05 40:25

Just now.

SPEAKER_02 40:27

Corny. Oh. Dude, this is the best. So I was at the beach with my friends when I was doing this, and they were fucking rolling. Like everybody was looking at us at the beach because we were wailing, fucking laughing. All right, you ready? Yes. So Matt has a picture, one photo, and it's five different men. There's like a group of men. And like I didn't like him at all. None of I didn't like none of them. But he annoyed

Ovulation Goggles And Regret Texts

SPEAKER_02 41:00

me that he put a picture of five different men. Like, how am I supposed to know? Yeah. So I message him and I put, which one are you? He says, ha ha. You mean in the photo? My cover photo? I'm the one in the blue suit, third from the left. I said, I'm dyslexic. You should put a picture of yourself, silly. He says, I'm not good at these types of dating app things. I'm more of an old school guy, but everyone's telling me I have to try it out. I said, Yeah. He goes, if you're dyslexic, could you figure out which one is me? I said, Well, it's the way we do things in 2025. I said, No, I still can't, lol. Blue suit, light blue. I said, I'm colorblind. He says, I know you said that more than once, so I'm confused. I said, You're confused. Try being me. This guy is like, what the fuck just happened? I just signed up on a dating app. And this girl's like, I'm dyslexic and colorblind. Matt's outcha just trying to find love and I'm fucking with him.

SPEAKER_06 42:25

Also, like your profile picture should be of just you. And then if you want to put pictures where you're like, oh, I look good in this picture, then fine. At least everyone can know which one's you, idiot. I hate everyone so much.

SPEAKER_02 42:37

Dumb. Yeah. Okay, Justin. I didn't screenshot the beginning of the conversation, so I'm not really sure how we got here. But he says, slow pelvic thrusts, nothing crazy. I said, interesting.

SPEAKER_05 43:01

Is it interesting? Isn't that interesting at all?

SPEAKER_02 43:04

He goes, too much info. What do you like to do for fun? I said, talk to men on the internet. He goes, Well, we have to find you a new hobby or maybe even retire that hinge. Why not in person? Do you like football? I said, because they want to slow hump my leg before they even know my favorite color. Jeesh.

SPEAKER_05 43:35

I love it.

SPEAKER_02 43:36

Oh, I loved this one. I remember looking at this one before I walked in to work a wedding and I was fucking rolling. Like, what? He says, You're so fine, I'll put you through the mattress. That doesn't sound like fun.

SPEAKER_06 43:55

No. I'll put you you could say, like, I'll break your bed, but put you through the mattress? Like, what the fuck? Like, I feel like you're gonna beat me. Yeah, what? Are you gonna yeah, like suffocating? Like oh my god.

Friday Night Block, Sunday “Hola”

SPEAKER_02 44:20

How's your day going? Good, crazy busy since I opened my eyes. You? I know you must be busy often since you do your own thing. Was gonna ask you on a date, but I feel like you'll never have time, lol. Are you already gaslighting me when you're the one who takes 12 hours to respond? Sir, get the fuck out of here. You're gonna ask me on a date, but I'm too busy for you. When this guy is the one that doesn't he literally, I text him two days ago and he responded. Two days later.

SPEAKER_06 44:48

Yeah, bitch. What are you talking about? Who doesn't have time for who?

SPEAKER_02 44:51

Dude, I can't. These men. Cornballs. Robert 45. Not even going to try to lie. I'm not like that. But I would love to do things to you, and I would love for you to love it.

SPEAKER_06 45:10

I'm not even waiting. I'm not even gonna lie. And then what was it? I'm not I'm not like that. That part alone is just so weird. I'm not gonna lie. Because I'm not like that. Like I don't just tell girls what they want to hear. Sir, nobody asks you anything. You're just hanging out fucking why.

SPEAKER_02 45:33

And then it's like this is his bio. I'm nice, easygo, laid back. I take a relationship serious. I'm faithful, probably one of the most loyal people you'll ever meet. I'm not controlling at all. I'm not possessive. I don't act jealous. I trust until I have a reason not to. I don't know why I always look mad.

SPEAKER_06 45:53

I don't know why I always look mad because RBF. I don't know why I always look mad. What a weird in your profile.

SPEAKER_02 46:05

I'm just not fake. Won't smile unless something's funny. Okay. I hate when women say, We're all the good men. You just ignore them for probably for somebody more attractive that's gonna ghost you a play you. Facts. But he just said he wants to do things to me and he wants me to love him.

SPEAKER_05 46:25

Yeah, what?

SPEAKER_02 46:26

But you want something to oh come on. I can't. How's the mother of my future triplets doing?

SPEAKER_06 46:39

Oh god, no.

SPEAKER_02 46:41

I said, what? That's terrifying.

SPEAKER_06 46:44

What the fuck is wrong with you?

SPEAKER_02 46:46

He was gone like the wind. Hello, beautiful. Hey,

“Juice” Lines And Laugh Bios

SPEAKER_02 46:50

how's it going? Pretty good. Wash my ass, brush my teeth. I'm proud of myself.

SPEAKER_06 46:55

I'm proud of you too, sir. You know what? We talk about this every episode, how important it is to clean your asshole. And he had to even he even told you that he did it today, which is nice. I think I don't know why that's appropriate to like say something like right off the bat.

SPEAKER_02 47:14

Literally, I match with him. His second sentence tells me he washes ass and brushes teeth.

SPEAKER_06 47:20

I mean, at least we know he doesn't have any poop in his asshole.

SPEAKER_02 47:23

No, he says I'm proud of myself. Like, is this not an everyday occurrence?

SPEAKER_06 47:26

Well, that's true. That's a good point.

SPEAKER_02 47:29

Seems like it's not. Richard, here's another geezer. According to Google, you are 23.8% crazy. That is all. Wait. Okay, bye. Hey, I'm just trying to get your attention, Richard.

SPEAKER_06 47:57

Okay. Is it still the same guy?

SPEAKER_02 48:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 48:01

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 48:02

That's in one sent in one blurb. He put all that. According to Google, you are 23.8% crazy. That is all. Hey, just trying to get your attention, Richard. Yeah, I know who you are. You're fucking like what?

SPEAKER_06 48:14

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, your name's on here, sir.

SPEAKER_02 48:18

No, he's old. So that's why. Gene. Hey, how are you? I think you're very pretty. If you were a flower, I would plant you in front of my door so I could water you every morning so that you would love me.

SPEAKER_06 48:33

This is my favorite one. This is my favorite one. Okay, first of all, if you planted somebody in front of your door, you'd step on them every day. So just saying. But but also, what? Like, who the fuck? How high was this guy when he's on this website?

SPEAKER_02 48:48

I think all of them have to be because, like, fl you're thinking that flowers love you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 48:56

What? Yeah, what are you fucking Mr. Nature?

SPEAKER_02 48:59

He's

Confidence Theater And Self-Owns

SPEAKER_02 49:00

on fucking shrooms.

SPEAKER_06 49:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 49:03

Yeah. Oh, this is this is the one. You look like my future girl. I said, lol. Why is that? I said, you can tell how intelligent and funny I am by my photos. He said, exactly. Stupid. This is I love this one. You have an exotic look, like Egyptian or something. I said, or Irish.

unknown 49:35

I disagree.

SPEAKER_02 49:36

He said that would not have been my first guess. I said, I'm also genetically a Jew, not religiously though. What are you? He says, Well, my father's from Barbados and my mom is from the States. I said, nice. I don't know. You definitely got a Latina vibe or something going on. I said, ha ha ha. Nope. I'm local, maybe. That's it. I love it. All right, we'll do one more. And then I still have like a whole album. Like, fear, don't fear everyone. There's more.

SPEAKER_06 50:12

This is amazing.

SPEAKER_02 50:13

I screenshotted all my favorite profiles. Like, these are just conversations. Like, I also have profiles and a whole nother thing. What are you doing? Your response time is super long. I know you must be busy, I guess. I said, lol, we're on an app. I was working all day, then grocery shopping, walked my dog. He says, it's okay, I understand. I said, now I'm sitting on the couch. He says, nice. I said I'm about to pee. Do you want to know how much comes out, too?

SPEAKER_06 50:41

What do you what are these guys think that you're just sitting here waiting for someone to message you?

SPEAKER_02 50:49

One more, one more. Let's kick it off. Good. No. Kevin, I'm really good at math. So let's add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply.

SPEAKER_06 51:00

Love him. I love him.

SPEAKER_02 51:02

I said charming.

SPEAKER_06 51:04

I mean, I love that for like just like a pure hookup thing because it's funny. It's corny, but it's funny. I mean, I wouldn't message him back over it, but like it's funny. Wait, can we do Greg's? You definitely messaged it to me recently. You screenshotted

Snapchat Moose Knuckles And Britches

SPEAKER_06 51:20

it and messaged me. I want to say it was like maybe a month ago. Because that one I feel like is a good way to end today's episode. And it was just such gold and weird. It was just weird. I don't I don't know. It was the weirdest shit I've ever heard. And Greg might be a serial killer. Like, I don't, I feel like he might be.

SPEAKER_02 51:44

He definitely is.

SPEAKER_06 51:46

Yeah, like he, I mean.

SPEAKER_02 51:47

Oh, here we go. Greg. Greg. I'd like for you to sit and rot on me. I said, well, that's disgusting. He says, why? My grandparents did it when Graham died. He said, warm, rotting, maggoty flesh is heaven. And I said, well, we know why you're single, Greg.

SPEAKER_05 52:12

Like, remember that because it was so funny.

SPEAKER_06 52:16

What? Rot? Stand on rot? Like, what does that mean? I don't understand. Like that you just want to sit there until we die. I'm reporting you to the fucking authorities. I'm saying, like, you want warm. And also, like, what the grandparents? Like, that's what my grandfather did. Like, what? Like, first of all, why did your grandfather just tell you that? Did he get arrested for that?

SPEAKER_02 52:45

Hey, Graham died, and I fucked her with her warm maggoty flesh.

SPEAKER_06 52:52

Ew. Greg is definitely a serial killer. Like, wouldn't it be wild if that's who like you know they're saying there's like a serial killer in New England? What if it fucking does come out and it's fucking Greg?

SPEAKER_02 53:04

Yeah. Warm maggoty flesh. I'm gonna send them the fucking evidence. Don't worry.

SPEAKER_06 53:10

I love it. Well, we're definitely gonna have to make a part two because this is just gold.

SPEAKER_02 53:15

And three and four and five, because like now I'm gonna up the dating age range, so we'll do a 50 plus.

SPEAKER_05 53:22

God, I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

SPEAKER_02 53:26

It's I'm just gonna have conversations with everyone just to yeah.

SPEAKER_06 53:32

Why not? Do it for the pod.

SPEAKER_02 53:34

Do it for the pod.

SPEAKER_06 53:36

I love it.

SPEAKER_02 53:36

Not working out for real life, so do it for the pod.

SPEAKER_06 53:40

Why not? Like, why quit if you can just entertain everyone? You know, it's fine. It's what and watch.

SPEAKER_02 53:49

In the madness of this, I meet Prince Charming.

SPEAKER_05 53:52

Hilarious.

SPEAKER_02 53:58

All right, everybody. Until next time.

SPEAKER_03 54:00

See ya.

SPEAKER_02 54:01

Bye.