Why Love Doesn’t Feel Safe for Adoptees (And How to Change It)

Summary

In this personal, embodied episode, Julie Brumley shares a realization that emerged through guided journaling and somatic reflection:

For many adoptees, love didn’t feel safe, it felt something to earn.

Through reflective questions and body-based practices, Julie explores how early experiences shape our relationship to love, safety, and connection. She shows how adaptations like people-pleasing, control, and hyper-awareness aren’t flaws, but intelligent responses the body learned to stay safe.

This episode invites you out of performance and into presence.

Not by fixing yourself, but by reconnecting with the parts of you that learned to survive, and offering them something new.

Keywords

adoption, adoptee healing, somatic healing, trauma, nervous system, attachment, self-worth, people-pleasing, identity, belonging, embodiment, emotional safety

Key Topics

• Learning to be loved through survival instead of safety
• Why love may not feel safe in the body for adoptees
• Early experiences shaping attachment and identity
• People-pleasing, control, and hyper-awareness as protection
• Embodied journaling and somatic awareness
• Reframing “what’s wrong with me” to “what did my body learn?”
• Moving from performance-based worth to internal belonging
• Building safety in relationship with self

Key Takeaways

• You didn’t learn love in dysfunction-you learned it in adaptation.
• If love doesn’t feel safe, your body will try to control or earn it.
• People-pleasing and perfectionism are protective responses.
• You don’t need to reject the parts that got you here.
• “What got you here is not what will get you there.”
• Healing begins by thanking protective parts, not fixing them.
• You don’t have to perform to be loved.
• Belonging starts within.

⏱ Chapters

00:00 – A more personal, embodied episode
01:00 – “I struggled with love… because it didn’t feel safe”
02:00 – Learning to be loved in survival mode
03:10 – “How did you learn to be loved?”
04:20 – Control and adaptation as safety
05:00 – Guided somatic reflection
06:10 – “That makes sense”
06:30 – Performance-based love
07:30 – Feeling evaluated
08:00 – “What got me here…”
09:00 – Thanking protective parts
10:00 – Releasing survival
10:45 – Experiencing safety
12:00 – Embodying safety
12:35 – “What if I didn’t have to perform?”
13:30 – Presence over performance
14:00 – What we’re really seeking
14:40 – Nothing is wrong with you
15:20 – Healing through self-relationship
16:00 – Invitation to deeper work
17:00 – Closing reflections

Links

Un-M-Othered: A Revolution in Adoptee Healing retreat

Intimacy and Adoption: Why Love Feels Complicated

Website

Instagram: @juliebrumley_

Facebook: julierasbrum

TikTok: @juliebrumley_

Click to Join My Free Adoptee Facebook Group

You Tube: @julie_brumley

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi y'all, I'm Julie. I'm a trauma-informed adoptee coach and somatic healing guide. After overcoming deep abandonment wounds, I now help adult adoptees move from feeling lost and disconnected to experiencing profound self-belonging. I know what it is like to carry the weight of abandonment, to feel stuck in patterns of longing, adapting, and searching for belonging. To have tried every healing modality available and come up empty. My own healing has taught me this. The answers aren't out there. They're buried within me. And I'm here to guide you home to yourself. The Resilience Project Podcast brings voice, visibility, and validation to the parts of adoption society rarely names, but all of us feel. Through an trauma-informed somatic lens, I explore the lived experiences of the entire adoption constellation with a tender emphasis on the adopte experience. This podcast goes beyond storytelling into soul telling. It offers embodied insight, compassionate education, and a path towards awareness, hope, and strength. Each episode invites listeners to understand adoption more deeply, not just with the mind, but with the nervous system, and to reconnect with the truth, identity, and belonging that were always yours to come home to. Welcome. Hey, and welcome back to the Resilience Project. Today's episode is again going to be a little bit more personal, and that's okay. It's going to be a little bit more embodied, too, because I don't want to teach at you today. I want to bring you into something that I was able to move through myself and found really, really valuable. I was a part of a session last Monday that involved embodied journaling. It's what I'd like to call it. And as I was writing, I realized this isn't just my story. This is something so many of us as adoptees carry in our bodies. And it's this. Lover. But the first question she asked last Monday was how did you learn to be loved? So I pose that question to you.

SPEAKER_00 3:44

How did you learn to be loved?

SPEAKER_01 3:49

What came out for me was this. And this is what came through for me. By trying to control my environment, by being the best at everything, by being particular about how things had to be. I'm air-quoting this if you are listening, by being critical of myself and others, and really by becoming what everyone needed me to be instead of discovering who I actually am. And I think this is so important because we often pathologize these parts of ourselves. We say, I'm too controlling, I'm too much, I'm too particular. I said that a lot. People would say that to me, and some still do. But what if those weren't flaws? What if they were protection? So if it feels okay for you, I'd like to invite you into something. Just pause with me for a moment. You don't have to close your eyes if you don't feel comfortable with that, but if you'd like to, go ahead and close your eyes for a minute and just gently notice your body. And what I mean by that is notice your seat. What does that feel like? Your feet against the ground. And if you're driving, maybe notice the steering wheel. Just notice what it feels like.

SPEAKER_00 6:22

And ask yourself, how did I learn to stay safe in relationships?

SPEAKER_01 6:30

And don't think your way to the answer. Just notice when that is asked, how did I learn to stay safe in relationships? Does your body tighten anywhere?

SPEAKER_00 6:44

Your chest? Maybe your stomach?

SPEAKER_01 6:50

Maybe your jaw. Maybe you notice it clenching, or you notice yourself clearing your throat. Just observe what happens when that question is asked. How did I learn to stay safe in relationships?

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Maybe you'll notice a word come up. Or a memory. Or you notice that there is a pattern here in relationships.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

No rush, no judgment. Just be curious. Whatever comes up, I'd like to invite you to softly say to yourself, that makes sense and be with that for a minute. Now, as I kept writing, and you may want to pause the recording or the video to actually do some of this work, and I would invite you to do so. But as I kept writing, this line came through so clearly for me. All versions of me that got me here believed I was only valuable because of what I did. And that hit. Because that means that love became performance-based, not something that I could receive, like I mentioned earlier. It was something that I had to earn. And when that's the foundation, you don't actually feel loved. You feel evaluated. You feel like you have to maintain it in some way. And you feel like you could lose it at any moment. But something shifted in me as we were doing this work and journaling through this. Instead of trying to fix those versions of me that got me here, I said thank you. Thank you for doing what you had to do to help me survive. And then Becky had a drop the mic mic quote here. She said, What got me here is not what's going to get me there. I'm gonna say that one more time. What got me here is not what's going to get me there. And that's the moment everything began to soften. Because it reminded me, I don't have to reject that part of me, but I also don't have to live from her anymore. Let's take just a moment with that. Maybe place a hand over your heart if that feels comfortable for you, or wherever feels grounding. Sometimes I tell my clients to place their hands on their thighs and rub. That is what's connected to our safety programming and can really help us feel more grounded. And I'd like you to try and bring to mind a part of you that has been trying really hard to keep you safe. Maybe it's the one who performs or pleases or controls, the one who stays hyper-aware, and whoever surfaces whichever part, just quietly say out loud if it if it feels comfortable for you.

SPEAKER_00 10:42

Thank you for protecting me.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

And then gently add, You don't have to do this alone anymore. And notice as you do that what happens in your body. Just notice. No forcing.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

Nor no fixing, just curiosity.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

You may notice your shoulders may drop a little. Your jaw may loosen, your stomach may not feel so tight anymore, and your heart may feel a bit more expansive and open. So what that opens up for us and what it opened up for me was something really, really amazing. It's slower, it's quieter, it's not driven by performance. I wrote down, I can breathe involuntarily. It doesn't feel caught in my throat or fast or like my heart is beating outside of my chest. I can sit in a place of complete openness and move through my days slower and more prayerful when I'm in this posture. So when I say that, the reason I'm even bringing that up is because Becky asked us to get into a position in our body that represented this for us. And for me, I laid down in the fetal position. As if I had nothing to worry about. Just totally comfortable and protected and curled up. And honestly, I'd love to invite you to attempt this too. When you're able to feel that different, safer feeling, slower, quieter, not driven by performance, what position in your body would feel comfortable? Maybe it's laying wide open like a star. Maybe it's the child's pose position, more of a surrendered posture. Just try what that would feel like in your body and spend some time there. It's not something you think your way into. It's something your body begins to experience as we begin to try and embody it. So just for a moment, I'd like you to do this with me. Take a slow deep breath in through your nose if that feels comfortable for you.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

And exhale gently. What would it feel like if I didn't have to perform right now? Just for this moment. Not forever. Just right now. And let your body respond. What would it feel like if I didn't have to perform right now?

SPEAKER_01 13:48

And notice again what your body does, how it may relax, how it may just feel so much more open and expansive and not as constricting. And if you're having a hard time feeling those things, that's okay too. That's what my programs are for, is to help us get in touch with those things. So what this is shifting for me personally, it's a reminder, honestly. It's not just how I relate to myself, it's also how I relate to others. Because what I realize is I'm not looking for something to prove, something to fix, something to earn. I'm looking for safety, integrity, honesty, and connection. And most importantly, a safe relationship with myself. So if you take anything from today, let it be this.

SPEAKER_00 14:50

If love hasn't felt safe for you, it doesn't mean you're broken.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

It means your body learned something very early. And it can learn something new, but gently, slowly, in relationship, not just with another person, but most importantly, starting with yourself. And if this is something you're beginning to see in yourself, this is the exact work we do inside my coaching programs, like I said earlier. It's not forcing change, but creating the safety to actually experience it. And that's really important. I just want to remind you that you don't have to earn your place anymore. You just have to begin to come home to it. I did an episode on intimacy not too long ago, and I'm going to go ahead and link it in the show notes because I think it would be really important foundationally to listen to as well. Thank you so much for spending time with me today. I think this was a really eye-opening experience that I was able to do last week, and I wanted to share it with you because I feel like it could bring up some really good things. And I would honestly even recommend, like I mentioned throughout, pausing and doing some of these activities, taking the time to write down what comes up for you in answer to these questions. And then as you do so, like I took you through, tune in to your body to notice what is going on as you write these things. This is how we begin to make those connections. And if you feel like you need help with this, please feel free to message me on any of the socials. Just go ahead and DM me. I'm there willing to have a conversation with you at any time. You can also check out my website. That's where all of my programs are. I have a free Facebook group. The link is in the show notes as well. If you are interested in connecting with other adoptees, the other thing I would say is if you found this valuable and helpful for you, please share it with somebody. Or give me five stars on any of the different platforms and write a review. That would be amazing. It would allow it to be seen by more people. So just grateful that you are here. And one last thing that I want to make sure I share with y'all. Liz Debetta and I have created a retreat in person in Moscow, Idaho on May 23rd and 24th. Every single episode, I'm bringing this up because I don't want anybody to miss out. We have some spots left that we would love to offer you, and I'll go ahead and link all of that in the show notes so that you can look at that and check it out. If you have any questions, please feel free to message me about that. Again, happy to support you in any way with those questions or even schedule a call with me. That's fine. But I look forward to being with you again next week. And I hope you have a wonderful Thursday, and I'll talk to you soon. Peace.