Ep 51. Back to School Dread: How to Help Your Teen Start the Year Off Right

In today's episode I'm digging into something that's showing up in my own house right now and in nearly every coaching call I'm having lately: the end-of-summer dread that hits as school comes back into view. If your teen has been dragging their feet, snapping at small things, or straight up grieving the loss of summer before it's even over, you are not alone, and neither are they.

Here's what we cover:

• What's actually going on underneath the back-to-school angst, and why dread is the dominant feeling for most teens heading into a new year
• Why validating your teen's feelings works so much better than trying to talk them out of it
• The fine line between offering real, tangible support and trying to fix everything for them

Plus, six tips to help your teen walk into this school year steadier than they walked out of the last one:

1. Get curious, validate, and give support
2. Get the routine set early and consistently
3. Get their support team on board
4. Get them involved in after school activities
5. Get them a planner
6. Help them do the mindset work

This episode is for any parent watching their teen mourn the end of summer and wanting real tools to help them head into the new school year with more confidence, structure, and hope.

Connect with Jasmyne:
Instagram: @jasmyne.guidedpassages
🔗 https://guided-passages.com/

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_02 0:00

If your teen struggles with anxiety, low confidence, stress, or overwhelm, they need more consistent adults in their corner besides you. You are one person and you cannot be everywhere your teen is throughout the day. School is where they spend the majority of their waking hours. So it matters enormously whether there's actually someone there they can turn to when things get hard. So find out what supports are offered at school. Is there a drop-in counselor they can go to in a high anxiety moment? Is there a wellness room or a quiet space where they can take a break if they're spinning out or about to have a panic attack? Who can they text or find on campus in that moment besides calling you to come pick them up? A lot of parents don't actually know the answers to these questions until their teen is already mid-crisis. So ask now before school starts and walk your teen through exactly what those options look like and how to use them. Welcome to Parents and Teens Rising, the podcast that bridges the gap between parents and teens and helps families thrive. I'm Jasmine Chandler, Teen and Parent Coach, Wilderness Rights of Passage Guide, and founder of Guided Passages. After over 16 years of working with young people, I know how challenging and rewarding these years can be. Each week we'll explore real conversations, practical tools, and fresh perspectives to help you connect with your team, support their confidence, and navigate the ups and downs. Let's rise together. Hello, hello, and welcome back into the podcast. I'm so happy to be here with you today. Today I'm really thinking about the fact that summer is coming to a quick end. And soon, very soon, at least in our school district over here in Southern Oregon, we're going to be starting school again. And so that starts in a couple of weeks. So with that comes all of the teen angst as they start to anticipate what's coming next and the end of freedom and all of the things that they've been enjoying, all the sleeping in and less routine and whatnot. So for many of them, it is a little bit of a grieving process. And so that's what I want to talk about today is how can we help our teens to navigate what's coming, help them to have a good mindset, help them to have a different kind of year than they maybe had last year that feels more successful, more hopeful, more engaging in all of the things that maybe they didn't feel in the last school year. So if your teen has been dragging their feet or snapping at small things or straight up grieving the loss of summer before it's even over, you are not alone and neither are they. I am feeling this big time in my own home right now, and one of my teens is grappling with heading back into another school year, and honestly, she has been mourning summer like it's already gone. And I'm hearing the same thing across the board with the teens that I coach. There is a real weight to it this time of year. They're thinking back on the challenges of last year, the insecurities, the teachers who were unkind or seemed to have it out for them, the classes that felt boring or pointless, and that endless loop of waking up early to go to the same uninspiring thing as yesterday. There is academic anxiety and social anxiety tangled up together. And on top of all of it, their bodies are changing and they're trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in. It's a lot. Now, what I will say though is that there are a rare few teens who are actually looking forward to going back to school with excitement and anticipation. And when I hear that, when they tell me that they're excited, it makes me so happy. But for most teens right now, dread is the dominant feeling. So today, what I'm offering are a few insights into what's actually going on for them so you can meet them with more empathy and understanding. And I'm also going to give you some real tools for how to show up for your teen, both in this preparation window and once school's back in session and the hard moments start showing up. So the first tip I want to start with today is to get curious, validate, and give support. So when your teen comes to you with their angst about heading back, get curious first. Ask about what's worrying them and how last year actually felt for them. And when they share, resist the urge to talk them out of their feelings. So comments like, it wasn't that bad, or you're making this into something bigger than it was. That's going to shut them down really, really fast, even if you mean well. So instead, validate what they're telling you, even if it feels exaggerated or blown out of proportion to you. Something like, wow, that sounds like it was so hard, or I really see how that would have felt so challenging for you. And from there, you can ask if there's any support they'd want from you. Sometimes that support is a tangible thing, like making an appointment with their school counselor to switch out of a class or a teacher they're dreading. There are some incredible middle school and high school teachers out there, and there are also some genuinely jaded, grumpy, and mean ones who seem to target certain kids for whatever reason. And those classrooms can become really toxic environments that make school feel unbearable. And for me personally, I'm not sending my kid back to the same teacher who made last year feel unbearable for her. That's something in my control, and I will advocate for a schedule change if that's what she wants. So there are ways your tangible support can make a real difference. But it's a fine line between doing the one or two things you actually can do and trying to fix everything for them. Most of what your teen is going to face is something they need to figure out and work through without your intervention. Navigating hard moments isn't something our teens need to be saved from. Their confidence, their sense of self, their resilience, and their tenacity get built through facing challenges, problem solving, figuring it out, persevering, and coming out on the other side. When we save them from all of it, we do them a disservice. That struggle is the stuff of real character development and real preparation for life. Alright, tip number two today is to get the routine set early and consistently. The academic demands of high school are real, especially for high-achieving teens taking honors and AP classes while also juggling sports, clubs, jobs, or other activities. And a lot of families let the first few weeks of school just kind of happen without any real structure, figuring things will settle in on their own. But the longer you wait to establish a routine, the harder it is to introduce one, because your teen has already gotten used to coming home and doing whatever feels easiest in the moment, which is usually scrolling or watching TV instead of starting on homework. So as soon as school starts, get the routine in place that first week and stay consistent with it. Help them create a daily structure for focused homework time. And that could look like coming home, taking an hour to snack and decompress, and then doing homework for one or two hours before dinner and before scrolling or TV. The exact timing matters less than the consistency. So when homework happens at roughly the same time every day, it stops being a negotiation and starts being just what happens after school, which takes a huge amount of friction out of your evenings. This is also a great time to talk with your teen about where they focus best. Some teens need total quiet, some do better with a little background noise or music, some need a change of scenery from their bedroom to the kitchen table. Let them have some ownership over the how and then hold the boundary on the when. And then build in some buffer time for the unexpected because there will be nights with a surprise project or an extra practice, and a routine that has zero flexibility built in is a routine that falls apart the first time it doesn't cooperate. Okay, number three, get their support team on board. If your teen struggles with anxiety, low confidence, stress, or overwhelm, they need more consistent adults in their corner besides you. You are one person and you cannot be everywhere your teen is throughout the day. School is where they spend the majority of their waking hours. So it matters enormously whether there's actually someone there they can turn to when things get hard. So find out what supports are offered at school and is there a drop-in counselor they can go to in a high anxiety moment? Is there a wellness room or a quiet space where they can take a break if they're spinning out or about to have a panic attack? Who can they text or find on campus in that moment besides calling you to come pick them up? A lot of parents don't actually know the answers to these questions until their teen is already mid-crisis. So ask now before school starts and walk your teen through exactly what those options look like and how to use them. This is also the time to think beyond the school walls. If your teen is dealing with anxiety or low confidence or overwhelm on a more ongoing basis, connecting them with a life coach, a therapist, or a tutor gives them someone in their corner who isn't you. And that matters more than it might seem because a lot of teens really struggle to take feedback and support from their own parents. And it's not because you're doing anything wrong, but because you're their parent. So having another trusted adult who can offer strategies and perspective and accountability widens their web of support and takes some of the pressure off of you to be their only resource. The next important point today is to get them involved in after school activities. I cannot stress enough how important this is and how much it can really change their experience. Clubs, sports, volunteering, an after school job, art classes, theater, martial arts, whatever it is that actually lights them up, if your teen isn't already involved in something, this is worth prioritizing before the year gets going because the default without it tends to be coming straight home to scroll for hours, to isolate in their room, or to binge Netflix for the rest of the day. There is a real difference between a teen who has a place to show up after school, whether that's a team, a rehearsal, a work shift, or a club meeting, and a teen whose only plan is to go home and disappear into a screen. Activities give them structure, a sense of belonging, and a chance to build skills and identity outside of academics, which matters a lot when so much of their self-worth can get tied up in grades and test scores. It also gives them a built-in social circle around a shared interest, which tends to be a much healthier foundation for friendship than whatever social dynamics are happening in the hallway between classes. So you don't need to overload their schedule. One or two meaningful activities is plenty, and the goal isn't to fill every hour, it's just to give them something outside of school and home that's theirs, that they're building competence in and that they actually want to show up for. Tip number five today is to get them a planner. Helping your teen learn to stay organized and track assignments, deadlines, and activities is such an important life skill. And it's one that pays off well beyond high school. So much of the stress and overwhelm teens carry isn't actually about the workload itself. It's about the mental load of trying to keep track of everything in their head. Every assignment, every deadline, every test date and practice and appointment, all of it is just floating around unwritten, waiting to be forgotten or remembered at the worst possible moment. A simple system fixes most of that. Get them a planner, whether that's paper or digital, whatever they're gonna actually use, and then help them build a habit of writing assignments, deadlines, and activities down as soon as they learn about them. And then have them check it when they get home from school before they start their homework so they know exactly what needs to happen that day instead of just guessing or scrambling later. This is also a skill that you're gonna maybe need to actively teach and reinforce at first. A lot of teens have never been taught how to actually use a planner well, so it might take some modeling and some check-ins early on before it becomes automatic. But once it clicks, it takes a huge amount of the chaos and last-minute panic out of their week and it hands them a tool they'll keep using long after the school year is over. That brings me to my final point today, which is helping them with mindset work. The mindset your team carries about school, friends, and challenges will absolutely shape how they feel about all of it. When they're stuck in a negative mindset and letting their brain's negativity bias run the show, everything starts to feel challenging, hard, and overwhelming. And what usually happens is that they start to hyperfocus on what's going wrong and what they don't like. And then that just amplifies the anxiety, the frustration, the annoyance, and the sadness. Where your focus goes, energy flows. So what they don't realize is that they're constantly creating their own personal algorithm through their thoughts, their conversations, and their actions. And their brain is paying attention and curating what they see and notice. So when they focus on problems and what they don't want, they start finding more and more evidence for it. And that just feeds the negative emotions. So to counteract all of this, get in the habit of asking them three things that went well during their day or three things they saw that were beautiful. We can actually train our brains to shift out of the negative focus by purposely paying attention to what's right, what's working, and what's beautiful and what we're grateful for so that we start gathering evidence for what we want instead of what we don't want. So when you notice a sunset lighting up the whole sky, point it out to them. Or if you are getting a hug from them, tell them that you're loving the moment. Or if you're eating a delicious meal, talk about how good it tastes and what you love about it. Or when you accomplish something, celebrate it in front of them. Or celebrate when you notice their wins. Help them notice the small things that they do that they're accomplishing, their improvements and the everyday things that we can appreciate and be grateful for that so often get taken for granted. And that right there is gold. There's a quote from Brene Brown that I love where she says, I don't have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness. It's right in front of me if I'm paying attention and practicing gratitude. And that is so true. We decide every single day where we place our focus and attention, and that's going to change how we feel for the better or for the worse. Every single thought that we think leads to the emotions that we feel, which then drive the behaviors that we take and then create the results that we get. And so if we are purposefully thinking thoughts that serve us, that help us to feel good, that notice the positive wins, notice the good things in our life, that's going to create an entirely different set of emotions than when we focus on all the problems and all the challenges that we're facing. One thing to note though is that mindset work is something that a lot of teens have a hard time hearing from their parents. And that is true in my own house too, which is exactly why this is such great work to bring a life coach in for. It's something that I personally work on with teens every single day, and it is an absolute game changer for their experience. And I actually am gonna pause here and just share a clip from a couple of my teen clients who have talked about how much mindset work has impacted their life and changed their experience.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

My life was chaotic all over the place, and I was not necessarily happy. It's just very it was very, very chaotic, very lost, very I don't know my purpose, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. I have found like the hugest, biggest thing that I have taken is that what you put out and the mindset that you have, you will receive 100%. And so that I it's just been like I've changed everything all around.

SPEAKER_01 15:00

And so it's like you're thinking about this thought like 20 million times in a row and it's negative, like you're totally gonna feel bad after you think about it for twenty twenty million times in a row, you know. So instead of that, you're gonna think about something else, even though it's really, really hard. You gotta like try to push away those negative thoughts and just continue to do better. I had the steps that I needed to succeed.

SPEAKER_02 15:24

I absolutely love hearing how young people are able to apply this work to their lives and when they learn these tools and strategies, how impactful it is, right? Because a lot of it is just missing information. Once they know the tools, once they understand, they can really start to apply it and change their experience, which is so cool to watch. All right, let's go ahead and recap the points that I talked about today so that you can walk away with something you can actually use as your teen heads back to school. So, number one, get curious, validate, and support. So ask about their worries, let them feel heard without arguing them out of their feelings, and offer real support without trying to fix everything for them. Number two, get the routine set early and consistently. As soon as school starts, get their homework rhythm in place that first week and stay consistent with it so it doesn't slip away before it ever takes hold. Number three, get their support team on board. Make sure they know who they can turn to at school and consider bringing in a coach, a therapist, or a tutor so you're not their only resource. Number four, get them involved in after-school activities. Give them something outside of school and home that's theirs, that they're building skill and belonging in. Number five, get them a planner. A simple system for tracking assignments and deadlines takes a huge amount of the mental chaos out of their week. And finally, number six, help them do the mindset work. How they think about school, about friends, and challenges is going to shape how they experience all of it. So help them practice noticing what's good and what's working. Your team doesn't need you to make this year perfect, and they don't need you to erase every hard moment before it happens. But what they do need is you standing next to them, believing they can handle what comes and reminding them of what's good along the way. And that's how we help them walk into this year steadier than they walked out of the last one. Okay, that's it for today. Thank you so much for being here. I hope you got a few gems from the episode and that you can actually apply it and help your teen apply these tools as well. And as always, you can feel free to reach out for some extra support. If you want to connect your teen to coaching, then feel free to DM me on Instagram at jasmine.guidedpassages, or you can email me or find me on my website at guided-passages.com. And no matter what you do, I hope this next school year for your teen is a really, really great one. And I'm looking forward to seeing you next week on our next episode. So have a beautiful rest of your day, and I'll see you next time. Bye everyone. Did you enjoy the show? If so, would you take 30 seconds to subscribe so you don't miss an episode? Leave a quick review so more parents can find these conversations, and maybe even share this episode to your stories. And if you want to connect, please send me a DM on Instagram. I'm at jasmine.guidedpassages, and that's jasmine with a Y. Thanks so much for being here, and I'll talk to you next week.