Season 2, Ep 8: What If This is the Best Part of the Trenches?

We wanted this episode to be about the best parts of motherhood—what are the beautiful moments we'll stick into our motherhood scrapbook, if we had one?

Instead, it became a conversation about why the best parts and hardest parts are inextricable. In fact, the hardest part of this season is the best part. 

In this episode, Joyce shares her struggle with postpartum anxiety and the surprising ways her children have helped her see beauty in ordinary moments. Sophia talks about exhaustion, failed routines, fighting mom rage and resentment, and the realization that she had bought into a "prosperity parenting gospel"—the belief that if she did everything right, motherhood should get easier, better.

As we wrap up Season 2, we wanted to end on an uplifting note by sharing positive things...and the best gift we can share is the hope of Jesus Christ. 

We want to get to know our Ummas! You can find Sophia and Joyce: 

Instagram: @theoldummaclub

Email: theoldummaclub@gmail.com

Music credits:
"Life of Riley" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Transcript

0:02

Hey, Ummas. Welcome to The Old Umma Club. I'm Joyce. And I'm Sophia. We are two friends in Los Angeles who had so many great coffee chats about our love for Jesus, being Korean in biracial marriages, and having kids mid-career, mid-30s. So we decided to turn it into a podcast. So grab a cup of coffee and join our conversations about aching backs, motherhood, marriage, Jesus, and everything in between. You ready? Let's go. Let's go

Joyce 0:37

Hello, Ummas

Sophia 0:39

Hello. Welcome to the last episode of season two,

Joyce 0:44

Yes

Sophia 0:45

episode eight So the theme of this season two, just a reminder, it was In The Trenches. It's about being in the thick of it, specifically in this season of staying at home with kids, multiple kids under the age of five. So it's a very, uh, special season in parenthood. And so we wanted to talk about, just the specifics of it, the challenges of it, the hardships of it. And as we were reviewing the episodes of this season, Joyce and I were thinking, you know, we talked about, uh, mom rage. We talked about discipline. We talked about developing routines. We talked about allergies and the challenges of feeding our kids. we talked about the hard parts of transitioning from zero to one to two to three kids. And it felt like consistently and repeatedly we were saying, "This is hard. This is so hard. we are in the trenches. We're deep in it. We're thick in it." it just felt like we kept talking about how challenging and hard motherhood is. so for this last episode, we thought, "Hmm, we should try to end in a more positive note. We should end in a way where it's, like, uplifting." And if, like, there's any mother-to-bes or, people who are not with a child yet listening to the episode, we don't wanna scare them away. We don't want them to get their husband to have vasectomies. Uh, like, we don't, we don't want to, we don't wanna terrify people.

Joyce 2:20

womp,

Sophia 2:20

Yes, exactly. So we thought, "You know what? This last episode, let's talk about what is the best things about this season, you know, the highlights. What are the favorite moments of this season? What are the things that we are going to look back on five, 10, 20 years from now and be like, 'Oh, that was a beautiful moment. Oh, I miss those days.' memories that we will treasure and cherish and put into our little treasure box of motherhood scrapbooking albums, you know? So w- w- I don't know. Um, neither Joyce nor I scrapbook. We're not scrapbooking people.

Joyce 2:59

to.

Sophia 2:59

You did? Okay, that's... I, I had no idea.

Joyce 3:02

ago. It was in college

Sophia 3:04

But no, we don't scrapbook. We don't have the time, we don't have the energy.

Joyce 3:08

now. Mm-mm.

Sophia 3:09

but anyway, if we had a scrapbook, what would be the things that we would put in that scrapbook about this season in life? so that was the original plan. But I think As we sit here recording, we realize that that really wouldn't be very authentic,

Joyce 3:27

You can only have really good moments because you just went through a really hard moment, right? Like joy, you can only experience true joy because you went through sadness, sorrow, grief. Like, the contrast is what makes it a beautiful moment.

Sophia 3:46

Right

Joyce 3:46

And in all honesty, like if you're thinking about a beautiful moment, typically it comes after a pretty hard moment, and to only just take that snippet didn't make sense. Like, you kinda have to give the big picture. Sofia and I are very, we're very honest people. We don't like to just be fake people just to pretty package it. So we were prepping and discussing this episode, we realized, wait, we talk about the beautiful highlights

Sophia 4:16

Without the depths and the shadows, yeah. There's no highlight without the shadows. And also, in fact, like, as I was thinking about this, like, what am I gonna share dWooring this episode? Um, I was thinking how all the beautiful parts are actually hidden or bWooried within the messes.

Joyce 4:33

Mm-hmm

Sophia 4:34

And you can't take the joy out of the hardship.

Joyce 4:38

Mm-hmm

Sophia 4:38

the most beautiful part about this season is that it is hard. and just because it is a hard season doesn't mean that it's not beautiful, So it all comes in one package. You can't separate the two. It's, inextricable

Joyce 4:51

Mm-hmm

Sophia 4:52

So on that note, since this is our last episode, I thought we'll share just how are we doing really?

Joyce 5:00

Mm-hmm

Sophia 5:02

So Joyce, how are you doing really?

Joyce 5:04

man. Honestly, just before we started recording, I was, like, washing dishes, and I started realizing, like, "Oh, I think I have a little bit of postpartum anxiety." because I have been really wrestling with doom.

Sophia 5:19

Doom

Joyce 5:20

doom. Like, death, like, anxiousness

Sophia 5:24

Hmm.

Joyce 5:25

I don't know what it was after having Owen and the third, and, like, going through maybe the hardships of, like, what we had to go through. this reality of possibly dying has been on the of my mind.

Sophia 5:37

You dying?

Joyce 5:38

yes, and if I die, what will happen?

Sophia 5:41

Mm.

Joyce 5:42

dies, what will happen? And this immense pressure, and I think as a result, it's making me anxious, so I've been trying to feel this pressure of, like, we need to get our will done, our trust done, like, this pressure. and then also because I have this pending feeling of, like, What if I die tomorrow? And, like, now feeling stressed out about Tyler riding his motorcycle more, and, like, just different things where I'm like, What if I die tomorrow? And what is the thing that my kids are gonna remember me of? Like, what is going to be..." I'm gonna start crying.

Sophia 6:14

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 6:15

I'm like, what's the last memory my kids are gonna have of me? And I'm like, "Lord, please don't let it be a crappy one." You know what I mean? Like, I

Sophia 6:25

Yeah, I get it

Joyce 6:27

I'm like, oh, man. And I think as a result, it's created this pressure of like, oh, I need to be a good mom at all times 'cause, if I die tomorrow? Like, they only gonna remember the fact that I just lost my schnitzels on them last night, and like, me snapping at them? Um, and then like, today, we have ants on our couch. Yay. Everybody loves that moment. I'm like, deep cleaning the couch, and I'm like, stressed out, and like, to clean it 'cause it always happens at the most inopportune time. So when I'm like, trying to wake up kids for a nap, and feeds, and trying to do this cleaning, and like, Kian's just like, so happy, right? I'm stressed out, spraying things. And Kian's like, "I'm Super Kian. I'm gonna be helpful because I'm a good helper, umma." And I'm like, yeah. Like, I'm so irritated because I just wanna get my task done. But his absolute joy to help was like, such a strong contrast to the spirit that I was in at that moment.

Sophia 7:26

嗯

Joyce 7:26

know what I mean? And then and then he ruins me in such a good way. But like, afterwards, he found a quarter. And he a quarter. I was like, "Oh, honey, this is your change," and I gave it to him. And he's like, "Oh, no. That's me giving it to you because you're such a good mom, so you

Sophia 7:43

Oh.

Joyce 7:44

And he tipped me.

Sophia 7:45

Ah, you were a tit. Because you're the servant of the house, obviously.

Joyce 7:52

He's like, "Here's your quarter."

Sophia 7:54

Here's your Christmas bonus. Good job

Joyce 7:57

I know, but it was... He doesn't obviously know what that means, but it was

Sophia 8:00

Yeah.

Joyce 8:00

where he was like, "But

Sophia 8:02

He was showing appreciation

Joyce 8:03

he was showing his sweet appreciation, and it was just so sweet. and that's what I've been thinking a lot about lately, is just like, man, these are the moments that just like- Really don't wanna forget,

Sophia 8:15

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 8:15

and I truly wanna hold onto, is just the pure innocence of the boys at this stage of life. every time I get in the car and I'm like, "Rah," like getting everybody in the car. We have so many appointments and so far, and with the boys and all their medical needs and just, like, all the stuff. And and I'm irritated, I'm stuck in traffic, and Kian is forward-facing now, and he sits in the middle seat, so he can see what I see. And I see crappy traffic, like urban, nasty streets, janky trees and like power lines, and like where I live, it's very urban. And then he's just like, he's looking out the window and he just goes, "Umma, live in such a beautiful world." And I'm like, "Oh, I guess so."

Sophia 9:07

LA? LA traffic.

Joyce 9:10

Like a homeless

Sophia 9:11

The 405, yeah. I mean, the vandalism. What beautiful art.

Joyce 9:15

Yeah, literally, like we're driving on the 405, and he just goes, "Wow, Umma, look at the clouds." And I'm just like, Yeah, look at the clouds." You know what I mean? Like, it's just so interesting, so much beauty in the

Sophia 9:29

Yeah.

Joyce 9:30

young child

Sophia 9:31

Yeah

Joyce 9:32

it, like often jars me out of my cynicism and like

Sophia 9:37

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 9:37

irritation of like the moment of being stuck in gridlock traffic. And sometimes he's like part of it. He's like, "Why are we driving so long?" Right?

Sophia 9:47

Yeah

Joyce 9:47

times, he just has this sweet, beautiful appreciation of the world. And he's like, "Wow, wow, God made such beautiful trees." And I'm like looking at the janky LA trees, I'm like, "Yeah, they are pretty cool though. It's pretty phenomenal that tree survived LA." Or like Tighe, so mad, 'cause it's like so loud and like so messy, and then Tighe will just bust out singing his like Avengers

Sophia 10:17

Ah,

Joyce 10:18

And,

Sophia 10:19

that's so cute

Joyce 10:20

go, go, go." And you know, realizing more and more at least the past couple of weeks just, how God uses the boys to just kinda shake me out of my own, blinders. and it's been really a joy in

Sophia 10:36

Yeah

Joyce 10:37

like, "Oh, wow." Right? I'm like, this is the reason why God says you should have faith like a child. Like, no greater love and faith than that of a child, right? and it's true. Like, the more I see the way the boys view life,

Sophia 10:49

Mm.

Joyce 10:50

I'm like, it's just this simplicity and this ability to appreciate life at its greatest despite me seeing all the wrong, that they see all the right.

Sophia 11:02

Yeah

Joyce 11:03

and I could only hope and pray that that's what they remember of me as I am dealing with my anxiety and feeling like I'm gonna die tomorrow every morning I wake up. I'm like, I wake up, I'm like, "I made it another day." and this anxiety, but like my postpartum anxiety comes out in just doom, like constant thinking,

Sophia 11:22

Yeah

Joyce 11:23

thoughts of like, "What if I die tomorrow? What if I slip down these stairs today? What if I..." today when I was washing dishes and all I could think about was like, "What if something hap- And like I just was going down this spiral of like what ifs,

Sophia 11:36

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 11:36

I was just like Oh, crap, I think I have postpartum anxiety and I didn't realize it. just been thinking, "Oh, you're just being overly prepared for life, Joyce." And I'm like, don't think this is normal. I don't think the amount of times I think about death is normal." I was like, "Hmm." Today I'm realizing like, oh, I think I've been dealing with some postpartum anxiety that I didn't realize I was having.

Sophia 11:59

Yeah. I think a lot of parents can definitely relate to that, because I also have many, many thoughts of death. Like, I will be walking with Woori on the street, holding her hand, right? And I think, "Oh, what if a car just like runs into her?" And I look down and I'm just holding onto an arm that's detached from a body. Like, those are the mental, visual, graphic, gory images that just comes suddenly, just like shoots into my head, and is... It's just the amount of responsibility. I think it's shows that we are very conscious and aware of the amount of responsibility that's holding in our hands,

Joyce 12:36

Mm-hmm

Sophia 12:37

right? The more you have to lose,

Joyce 12:40

Yeah

Sophia 12:40

more you think about losing it, because that loss is gonna be so terrible.

Joyce 12:45

Yeah

Sophia 12:46

But what a beautiful contrast though, that you are sitting in the smoggy streets of LA with three kids and you're in a rush to go from one neighborhood to the other, which is like, it might be four miles

Joyce 12:59

It was like 45 minutes

Sophia 13:02

but you will still, still sometimes... Yes, exactly. Four miles, 45 minutes sitting in traffic with just god-awful... Okay, already I'm showing my cynical adult view. But then have to get down to a child's level and it's very inconvenient to get down to a child's level, because you actually have to slow down, and that's annoying because like you're rushing. You have so many things to do, but you're forced to slow down, and then they're talking when you just want to be in silence. And then like you have to actually listen, and then when you do listen and when you do slow down and when you actually pay attention, you're like, "Oh, there's the beauty.

Joyce 13:38

Yeah.

Sophia 13:38

There's that beauty that I'm gonna hold onto. I'm gonna forget about sitting in traffic and cussing whoever cut into my lane." Right? Those parts are gonna be not in the scrapbook. But you will remember that sweet innocence

Joyce 13:54

Mm-hmm

Sophia 13:54

the reminders of finding beauty in this world that God created, even on an LA highway. Yeah

Joyce 14:01

Yeah, yeah. And I think with Kian now entering into grade school, there has this, been like urgency in me to almost, like, capture every, minuscule part of him as a baby.

Sophia 14:15

Hmm.

Joyce 14:15

mean? Like, He's still technically a toddler. He's on the verge of no longer. Like, he's going to turn five soon, and, he still says words wrong, he's excited about life, and he still wants to cuddle, and he wants to be with you. And, you know, when I lay down with him, and "You're so tired," but,

Sophia 14:33

Yeah

Joyce 14:33

And I'm s- I'm like, "I don't... Why do you have to have a nightmare now?" You know, I'm just tired. I just wanna sleep, like, unbroken sleep, and just be able to sleep well. And then, like, he's, like, asking, "Please lay with me. Please lay with me." So you lay with him, and he, like, has this thing now where he, like, takes his fingers, and he interlaces his fingers with

Sophia 14:52

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Joyce 14:53

it, and then he'll pull it into him, and he, like, spoons your arm. And he, like, taps it as he's sleeping. And I'm just like Okay, now I'm not mad.

Sophia 15:05

Yeah

Joyce 15:05

like, it's, you know, this innocent, this like sweetness of like a desire to wanna be close with you

Sophia 15:11

Yeah

Joyce 15:12

holding onto that as much as I can 'cause with him starting grade school, it's this gradual release of him no longer being that little kid, you know?

Sophia 15:20

Yeah. And I'm sure there will be more beautiful things that we can't foresee when they are older, but then there are these tender, special moments when they're younger too that we really wanna cherish. Yeah

Joyce 15:32

It's so exciting to, like, get to see who he's actually going to become and, like, this character and, how much of his, his child, like, personality is he going to maintain and his vibrancy. And, like, also though I'm like, "I can't wait to see who you become," and also I'm just gonna really sit into who you are right now

Sophia 15:53

Yeah

Joyce 15:53

So I think that's where I've been lately, is just like this wrestle of like, what are you going to remember? Um, who are you going to remember me as?

Sophia 16:04

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 16:04

And what am I going to remember of you? what do I wanna remember of you? And I'm like, do I wanna remember the butthole? I prob- I'm never gonna forget that moment, for sure, but like... And I'm also gonna remember, like, the sweet child that you are, and just like can't wait to see as he ages, like the glimpses

Sophia 16:24

Yeah

Joyce 16:25

childhood, you know, as he gets older.

Sophia 16:27

Yeah.

Joyce 16:27

So-

Sophia 16:29

I have a feeling your kids are gonna remember your presence. Like those moments when he interlaces his fingers with you, like those are the ones that really hit close to the heart. Those are the connection moments that last

Joyce 16:42

Yeah, just like to try to remind myself, I'm like, "Okay, as long as I'm, apologizing and we're repairing and kind of reconnecting and praying a lot of prayer,"

Sophia 16:52

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 16:53

knowing generational cycles are broken and that there's hope who our kids are gonna become, you know? I carry a lot of weight on the firstborn, 'cause the firstborn is just the one that you unintentionally are always the hardest on,

Sophia 17:07

Yeah.

Joyce 17:07

like, you know what I mean? Like,

Sophia 17:09

Unrealistic expectations. Yeah

Joyce 17:11

such unrealistic expectations, and like also because they're going to be the most triggering because they're the ones who are forging the path, and everything they do is new

Sophia 17:20

Yep

Joyce 17:20

constantly new, and you're like, Why? why are you doing that

Sophia 17:25

Yeah

Joyce 17:26

Why is that a thing?" things that make you so mad, and then like flip on the other side of Kian's just like, today was the best day ever.

Sophia 17:35

Aw.

Joyce 17:35

We didn't do... We cleaned the couch twice," and that's what he was excited about.

Sophia 17:40

He got to wear his invisible superhero cape and be helpful

Joyce 17:44

what he, he said he had the best day ever because he got to be Super Kian

Sophia 17:47

Yeah

Joyce 17:48

that I let him help me kill the ants and, I let him create his trap, which was his idea of trapping the ants was to put out an apple by the front door.

Sophia 17:57

I see

Joyce 17:58

was saying, "The ants will be drawn away, Umma. Don't worry. The ants will be drawn away from the couch, and they'll go to this apple. And then they'll go out the door." And I'm like,

Sophia 18:08

Not a bad idea.

Joyce 18:10

"All right, bud." I was like, "You do you, baby. You do you." So yeah, and so it's just like, I think nostalgia hits so much harder, I think, when you h- with your firstborn.

Sophia 18:20

Yeah, for sure

Joyce 18:21

Yeah. What about you, Sofia? How have you been?

Sophia 18:26

Uh, whenever people ask me how I am, I'm like, "I'm tired."

Joyce 18:30

Oh yeah. Girl

Sophia 18:32

I am physically drained all the time. I wake up not refreshed, I never used to be a nap person, but now I really do need a nap. Like, when Woori's napping, I just, like, sit down and I'm trying to do things, but I feel like I really need to shut my eyes.

Joyce 18:48

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 18:49

my body feels like it's just carrying a it's just carrying a whole bag of stones and concrete.

Joyce 18:56

Mm-hmm

Sophia 18:57

heaviness on my physical body, and so I just feel depleted all the time. and part of it is pregnancy, but also part of it is just taking care of two kids 24/7, of a recently turned four-year-old and a 21-month-old. And also part of it is just the mental energy of... how much, like, I have been really trying to work on myself. uh, the first episode of this season, we talked about mom rage, right? So there's a lot of inner work that needs to be done. So I've been really trying to work on that mom rage. I've been going to therapy. I'm trying to, create support systems for my nervous system, while at the same time I'm also really being a lot more intentional about how I parent my kids. Like, I'm really trying to create this healthy, beautiful, slow, quiet, peaceful, gentle atmosphere in this house for my children and for my family, and my husband too. Like, for me as well, just so that I'm not constantly overstimulated and overwhelmed. I'm trying to fight overwhelm, and that feels overwhelming so many times.

Joyce 20:07

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 20:08

so recently we went to Korea for three weeks. and when we got back, the kids were having jet... We all ha- all having jet lag. And for some reason, I kept waking up automatically at 6:00 AM, which is, like, unheard of for me. I'm the kind of person who can sleep till 4:00 PM, which I did, um, before I had kids. I can sleep two, till 4:00 PM and wake up still, be like, I can still go back to bed. I'm someone who, really love sleep, and I'm a deep sleeper. But I woke up at 6:00 AM consistently, and I was like, "You know what?" And this was before the kids woke up, because the kids were, sleeping till, like, 7:30 AM,

Joyce 20:44

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 20:45

which was like,

Joyce 20:46

day.

Sophia 20:47

so, so good.

Joyce 20:48

great

Sophia 20:49

yes, so I got into this routine. I was like, you know what? I've been praying about wanting to, like, instead of dashing through a podcast devo. Like, I've been really praying about, you know what? I need to make reading the Word a priority. Like, if I can work out every day, then I can read the Word every day by making that a priority. So I was like, you know what? I'm gonna set a new routine. And so 6:00 AM, wake up. I set the day. I turn on soft, quiet hymns in the background. I put on essential oils, because I've become that kind of person, and I unload the dishwasher. I make my coffee. I sit down, and I read a chapter of the Old Testament, I read a psalm, and I read a chapter of the New Testament. And then I write down, scripture that really hit me that day. And then if I have time, I journal. So for a good 10 days, 10 solid days, my kids were sleeping till 7:30, sometimes till 8:00 AM. So I was like, this is great. I saw a marked difference into, like, how I was starting the day and then how that continued throughout the day. Like wow, this-

Joyce 21:57

t- tone

Sophia 21:58

Yes. It sets the tone, it sets the atmosphere, but also, like, I'm just reorienting my heart to the Lord. And I was like, "Oh, I found, I found the secret to, you know, solving my, overstimulation, and I found this, like, great support system to, like, help my nervous system so I'm not rage-y all the time." And also, the moment we came back from Korea, we signed up for the YMCA, our local YMCA, because I had just discovered they have childcare. And I was like, "Okay, then I can work out." And that's the time when I know my kids are safe, and I'm not constantly being disrupted and interrupted and having to break up cries and tantrums while I'm trying to work out. working out had become so overstimulating and stressful.

Joyce 22:43

Mm-hmm

Sophia 22:43

also, if I work out early in the morning, it just pushes everything that we're supposed to do in the day backwards, and then I feel... I start the morning feeling so rushed and

Joyce 22:53

Yes

Sophia 22:54

anxious. So, "Okay, I have this, external support system where I get a time to work out, I get a time to recharge in the middle of the day, and the kids are safe." And, I was, like, so pleased with myself, this r- new routine where we're doing Bible time and homeschool in the morning. I have my own Bible time in the morning, and this entire day just feels almost perfect Not that the kids are behaving, but because, my temperament, everything is just, contained, and I'm somehow being recharged. My nervous system isn't fried. I'm tired, but mentally, spiritually, emotionally, I feel great.

Joyce 23:30

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 23:31

And then the second week hit. I remember 6:00 AM, wake up Making my coffee, and then I hear a stomping.

Joyce 23:38

No

Sophia 23:39

woke up, and I was like, "Oh, fff-" I literally cringed. it was just an instinctive reaction where I clench my fist, and I was like, "Fff-"

Joyce 23:49

Yes. then your nervous system just

Sophia 23:52

Yes, and then, yeah, Tov comes in at 6, like, 08 a.m., and, like, the moment he comes in, needy, clingy, whiny, just, like, rolling on the floor, like, dragging on my sweatpants, just, needing this, needing that. Nothing's pleasing him. And I'm just like, "Fff- okay." And then I remember him coming to the kitchen, and I just distinctly remember telling myself, reminding myself, "This is the first time he's gonna see your face this morning. don't give him a frustrated face. Don't give him an exasperated face. So I, I had to quickly rearrange my facial countenance to show a smile. And I was just like, "Hey, Tov. Good morning." and you know, he just woke up. He's feeling grouchy But then I was like, "You know what? I'm still gonna stick with this routine. my kids need to see that Omma needs quiet time with the Lord, I'm still gonna sit down and read my Bible." Okay. And then a few days later, Woori starts waking up at, like, 5:20 a.m. And she's been waking up at 5:25, 5:30 a.m. every single day. Um, she's still doing that right now. and it's not like she wakes up, "Hi, so refreshed." She wakes up screaming. Screaming, screeching, "Ahhh," like, just, like, in a bad mood. she's gotten to this stage where she's not easily pacified by things anymore. Like, nothing satisfy her. Like, she wants this, I gave it to her. Nope, nope, not, not, not happy. In fact, she gets even angrier because she realizes this is not what she want, but she doesn't know what she wants. So she's just, like, screeching, screeching. So, this week, I remember this, it was Monday, 6:00 a.m., wake up, uh, both kids are already awake. once again, even though I'm waking up early, I'm still waking up with my kids or, like, after my kids, but then, screaming, screaming, screaming, like, whining, "Omma, Omma, Omma." I'm trying to set up activities so that the kids can sit right next to me while I'm reading the Bible with my coffee but then it's, like, throwing things, like, rubbing markers all over or, like, eating markers. I'm trying to, like, r- read God's word but nothing's entering my mind, and I'm just like, "What is the point of this?" And I was just so frustrated. and Woori was just, extra whiny to the point where Tov was, like, wanting to hit her 'cause he was getting mad too. So he kept asking me, "Umma, why she keep crying? Why is she so loud? She's too loud." And I'm like, "You're too loud." Like, now both of you are screaming at me. and while I'm like... I have the Bible open in front of me with a cup of co- Like, everything, the scenery, like, the essential oil diffuser is going, the dishwasher is unloaded, there was classic soft music's playing. Every part of my routine is set up, but nothing's going within my control. Like, I can't predict when the kids are gonna wake up. I can't control how they're gonna wake up. I can't control, what kind of temperament and, state they are in. And then we're doing home school, and it's like a battle, like, just getting him to focus for three seconds. Like, I'm not asking for, like, 30 minutes of your time, Tov. I just need you to focus for, like, five minutes, and I know developmentally you can focus for five minutes. But he won't even give me that. He's running away. He's, climbing under the table. He's, just bouncing off the walls. So, like, home school didn't go well at all. and then we go to the YMCA finally, The entire morning I'm just waiting for that time where I can drop them off so I can work out, and just have that quiet time. And I realized that it's summer, and childcare has like hit capacity and I tried to book like five minutes into when the seats open up, the availability opens and you can actually reserve, because you can only reserve a week in advance, and I was five minutes late and it already booked full. So then I'm like, oh my God, like all these desperate parents just like me, they probably have alarms on like five minutes before so that they can book as soon as it opens, right? I realized how much I have been holding onto this YMCA childcare as a lifeline for me this summer, and then I saw it just disappear before my eyes. So thankfully I had booked this ahead of time, so I was working out but I was looking into like that week, the next week, the next week. I'm like, just stressed out of like, I don't even have this time anymore. So I can't even control this one support system that I had built, to support me being a gentle, healthy, godly mother. And so I was so frustrated I started crying while working out. And people are staring at me, but man, like I'm so frustrated because I built this system, but nothing's within my control.

Joyce 28:51

嗯

Sophia 28:51

And I'm really trying, Lord. I'm trying to be that mother that you want me to be. I'm trying to be that mother for my kids, for my family, and nothing's working out. Like I can present the best curriculum to, Tov and he's not gonna pay attention. I can wake up... I'm not waking up at 4:00 AM. I've, I've seen other mothers who wake up at 4:00 AM. I'm like, no, I think I would... 6:00 AM is already like a little too much for me. Like 6:00 AM is the earliest I can do. So like what else?

Joyce 29:22

already. Yep,

Sophia 29:23

Yeah. What else can I do? Um, so I'm like just so frustrated. Yeah.

Joyce 29:29

just wake up earlier.

Sophia 29:30

Yes, they will. The moment you decide to wake up at 4:00 AM, they'll wake up at 3:40 AM. Mark my words.

Joyce 29:35

it. Nope

Sophia 29:37

Yeah. So, At that time just the, the, the exhaustion hit me and all of that. But then as I was just like crying to the Lord, I remember when Woori was screaming I just wanted to hit her.

Joyce 29:51

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 29:52

I wanted to smack her head because she's, screeching in my ear while I'm trying to calm her down. I'm trying to hold her. She doesn't wanna be held. Put her down, then she wants to be held. Hold her. Like, all this while I'm trying to read God's word, and, like, I just urge to want to, like, hit something, and I wanted to hit her, but I didn't. And I wanted to scream so badly, but I didn't. But then the internal battle of, fighting all my instinctive urges, that was so exhausting.

Joyce 30:24

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 30:24

like, It's like 10:00 AM, and I was already so drained. And so I'm like, "I don't know how sustainable this is. Like, I, I might as well just give up and just, like, scream because that at least makes me feel a little bit better at that time, and, I won't be as exhausted as I feel right now." but I was thinking about it, and I was praying about it, and God kind of, like, showed me the beautiful moments in that hard morning of frustration and overwhelm. And one thing He revealed to me is like, "You know, you have somehow bought into this prosperity parenting gospel where you believe that if you did this, this, this, this, this, this, then you get this outcome. But I never promised you that outcome. I never promised you well-behaved kids. I never promised you a beautiful, you know, like, sanctified morning, where every time you read the Bible you're just, like, completely, become this holy person." Like, you get what I mean? Like, just because you play hymns in the background doesn't mean you're suddenly, just, like, overflowing with the fruits of the Holy Spirit. like, just because you're trying to create this, environment for your kids, I never promised you perfect kids. but I did promise you that I will be with you." And, I realized, actually the victory was in the hardship. The victory was in me, like, battling all my thoughts. because while I was sitting there, I really just wanted to scream, but I remember those moments when I, "Please, God, I need help. I just need help." And it didn't feel like help at that time, but somehow I was able to endure all of that, go through all of that without going back to my instinctual, mom rage moment. And also, I remember While the kids were screaming and I was trying to do my quiet time, David was in the garage working out. And I could feel this like,

Joyce 32:16

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 32:17

this resentment,

Joyce 32:18

Yep.

Sophia 32:19

like

Joyce 32:21

It's just

Sophia 32:22

Like,

Joyce 32:23

up.

Sophia 32:23

yes, and the narrative, the old narrative

Joyce 32:25

Yeah

Sophia 32:26

starting to come in like, "Nope, that's not true." And I remember, like, fighting it, but again, like, it was exhausting fighting it, but I did fight it, And what is ironic is that, about two days before this morning, I had just read Hebrews 12, and it hit me so hard because somehow, it just felt like God was speaking directly to me. But let me just... I just want you to read this. Hebrews 12. Okay, Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who, for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured from sinners such hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by Him. For the Lord disciplines the one He loves and chastises every son whom He receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then y- you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have earthly fathers who disciplined us, and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. For the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore, lift your drooping hands and strengthen your knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God, that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled. But anyway, all of this, I have been kind of meditating on it, thinking about how this entire chapter is about running the race with endurance, and not just running with, like, sheer will and determination, but looking to Christ Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, it says. And then it talks about discipline, It really hit me, because we have been talking about discipline dWooring this season, right? and what discipline really means, like, training up, and guiding and that discipline is part of parenting love. And it talks about the Lord disciplining us, and I was thinking or too about, like, right now, I am being disciplined by God. Not being punished, but He is training me.

Joyce 35:44

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Sophia 35:47

right path, like, away from mom rage, away from overwhelm, away from, resentment and bitterness. And then it says, at the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." And then, and then it encourages you to lift your dripping hands and strengthen your weak knees, right? And then, it goes into, make sure that no root of bitterness springs up. So I had just a few days before read this passage, and it was stuck in my mind. I don't know how, it managed to get into my head i- with all these kids screaming around me, but somehow it did. That is actually the Holy Spirit's work, and I remember that Monday morning, when I was starting to feel resentment towards David, and I remember that verse. do not let, no root of bitterness spring up and cause trouble. And then I was also remembering He disciplines us for our good that we may share His holiness. And so it wasn't like I was meditating deeply on it, but it's just, like, the little remembrance, that just helped me go on and press on. And then I got to the YMCA, and I'm just, breaking down because I'm just frustrated. I'm wondering what the point of all of this is. And I think God at that time, like, pointed out, this is the point of it.

Joyce 37:04

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 37:04

this whole process of hardship, it's painful, but this journey of pain is the point of it, and there's so much beauty in it because you are being shaped, and you're being shaped because you're l- loved by God,

Joyce 37:17

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 37:18

and you're running a race that's worth endWooring. And, you're not even asked to endure as much as what Christ endured, like, the greatest price that God had already endured for us. And it was also a reminder to, set my eyes on Jesus, and I think sometimes I have a hard time with scripture like that, because it just seems so abstract Like set my eyes on Jesus. Okay, well, while, this one kid is high-pitched screeching in my ear, and this other kid is like dragging on my sweatpants and I'm trying to pull it back up and, uh, like, okay, set my eyes on Jesus at that time. Like, I don't...

Joyce 37:55

at a

Sophia 37:56

Yeah.

Joyce 37:56

cross of You're Like, we're supposed to be doing?"

Sophia 38:01

Exactly. I think for me, that day, God just gave me such a realistic view of what it meant,

Joyce 38:07

Ня.

Sophia 38:08

of like, okay, You're not always gonna be feeling gentle. And you're not always gonna be feeling holy, but you press on. and I did press on. Like, I was fighting the, the thoughts in my head that was like, "My kids are so ugh." Like, like, my kid this, my kid said, my husband this, my hus- like, I deserve this. like, I'm so tired, And yes, that's true. I am tired, but at the same time, that's where Satan works, where he brings in, like, resentment towards my kids, resentment towards my husband, and I miss out on the beautiful parts of that morning, which was that my kids were clinging and needing me, but that's where I got all the cuddles in, right? and I don't get the pleasant surprise of seeing a growth and a matWoority in my kids without having had that consistent discipline, Tov might not be paying attention, but there's still this consistency of me showing up and showing him discipline of like, no, y- you still sit down and give me five minutes. And I'm not seeing the fruits of it right now, but there is this beauty of where he's being trained up. I'm doing what the Bible tells me to. And like you experienced, like, you don't get to witness a child's wonder at the beauty of this world without getting down and stopping and slowing your pace and, like, actually putting on his eyes, And You don't get the intimacy with the kids without constantly being inconvenienced, And I don't get the sense of accomplishment that, hey, I haven't had a mom rage episode in more than two months

Joyce 39:44

Mm-hmm

Sophia 39:45

without that hard work of fighting those urges. And another thing that God suddenly made me remember, which for some reason I didn't remember because it was just a moment when I was overstimulated, and I was trying to just calm Woori down, and I was holding her, externally at least, I was remaining calm, but internally, I was, fighting a lot of, like, my instincts.

Joyce 40:08

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 40:09

And Tov came up to me, and he was like, "Omma, you're so kind." And I-- God just reminded me, "Hey, remember what Tov..." It was just like a, an encouragement

Joyce 40:18

yeah, so

Sophia 40:20

Yeah, and I was like, "Oh, wait. Tov is noticing that there is a change in me." he was really overstimulated by Woori as well, but then he noticed that I wasn't going nuts. I wasn't losing it at her. I was holding her. I was trying to be gentle with her. I was still holding my boundaries. I wouldn't let her do certain things that she wanted to do, but at the same time, I was at least, remaining present, and he noticed that, and he said, "Omma, you're so kind." And then David later on also mentioned to me, like, he had been noticing, you have a change in temperament in the last few weeks. And so it was just another reminder of like, wow, yes, going through the discipline process of, changing myself and reframing my mind and renewing my mind and transforming my heart is really hard. it's painful, but also it's beautiful in its own way. Like, it is beautiful because I am being shaped, and I'm seeing the results of it, and God is giving me that as an encouragement, and my family is noticing it,

Joyce 41:28

I think that's, like, such a beautiful reminder of the promise that Jesus and that God has given us, even as Christians, which is that life wasn't promised to be easy, and life wasn't promised to be smooth. And if anything, in the Bible, they tell you, "Hey, it's actually gonna suck."

Sophia 41:44

Yeah

Joyce 41:44

Like, it's going to be hard, and especially if you believe in Christ, They're gonna come after you, and it's gonna be a hard life. But the things that we do promise is that there will be joy, and that Christian hope and joy is those, breakthroughs in a storm, and, like, to remind you that you are not gonna drown You might have your head, like, underwater, and you might feel overwhelmed, and you will, but, God is never gonna let you fully sink and drown into that water. Like, He's always gonna pull you back up.

Sophia 42:14

Yeah

Joyce 42:15

and God has promised us the refining fire that we never wanted, you know? And,

Sophia 42:19

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 42:20

that painful process, but it's, like, so beautiful to hear and so encouraging to hear that not only was it that noticeable for you to be like, "Hey, I actually ch- made a change," right? And it's one thing if you notice a change, and, like, that's great, but it means a whole other level when, your own children and your own, partner is like, "No, I actually notice a, shift, like an actual, palpable shift." and that is ummazing. And also, you guys, as listeners, Sophia and I talk a lot on the background, and I know how much hard work, Sophia, that you have put into this process, and, like, your own process of changing and growing. and I know how important it has been for you in this current season of life. And so for you to, not only recognize it for yourself, which is also big, because Sophia's not really great at noticing good things about herself, the wonderful things about herself, 'cause she tends to go to the negative. So for the fact that you notice that, that's ummazing and beautiful, and that David encouraged you in that, and he noted it, and that God reminded you that He is doing the work in you that you thought was gonna be impossible at the very

Sophia 43:30

Yeah.

Joyce 43:31

of this start,

Sophia 43:35

Yeah.

Joyce 43:36

And here it is, two months later, God is like, "No, Sophia, nothing is impossible. the God who can move mountains has moved mountains in you." And I think that's pretty awesome.

Sophia 43:46

Yeah. And it was such a good reminder that, you can't divide motherhood into, like, oh, the good stuff and the hard stuff.

Joyce 43:53

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 43:53

they are together. They come together. Like, the beauty is in the hard moments, the sanctification is in the pain, and those cherished moments of, sweetness and tenderness and intimacy is in the interruption and slowing down, and the inconveniences and the disruptions and the chaos. And I just remember, like, that morning too, I was tired, so I come back. I, I need a nap, but, uh, Woori didn't nap much. Tov obviously is not napping anymore. So I'm like, "Okay, you know what, kids? Just, just give me 15 minutes. All right, you can all go to my room. I'm gonna lie down. I don't care what you guys do. I'm gonna lie down, and I'm gonna try to nap for 15 minutes." Um, did not get a wink of sleep because both of kids climb up to the bed, jumped up and down, like jumping on me, crushing me,

Joyce 44:40

Of course

Sophia 44:42

like rolling around, and then like somehow they got a bunch of blocks. They were building with blocks, which was great for five minutes until They thought it would be so much more fun to throw the blocks all over the room and see them crash and scatter all across the room, and I'm there trying to, like, just rest.

Joyce 44:58

You're like

Sophia 44:58

Yeah, and every time, maybe, like, feel like, like starting to, like, going to sleep, some kid, is literally stomping on my arm. Um, but guess what? again, you can't divide the good stuff from the hard stuff. That was hard because I didn't get, one second of sleep. But, also, dWooring that time, they're like all cuddly. They just wanted to be next to me. That's why they couldn't go to the play room and play. They just wanted to be next to oma. And, and like both of them were taking turns kissing me. Yeah, it's really cute. Yeah I mean, in the moment, I was just like, "This

Joyce 45:34

You're like, "Stop."

Sophia 45:35

slobbery, like, yes, please stop. Like,

Joyce 45:37

stop.

Sophia 45:37

you, you, you gave me 58 kisses. Yes, it's too much. I feel a little violated right now."

Joyce 45:43

Yeah.

Sophia 45:45

Because not only do they... Yes.

Joyce 45:47

I just feel like dried

Sophia 45:49

Because they are just, like, trying to kiss me on the mouth, but also going like boom, boom, like, like smacking your face into my face. But a lot of times though, the good stuff, you don't see it in the moment, but when you look back at it, you're like, "You know what? That was so sweet." like, they just wanna smother me with kisses because they love being with me, and I was like, this is a scrapbook moment.

Joyce 46:14

Yeah

Sophia 46:14

Yeah. of course, in the moment, it was like, "I just want to nap." But once again, all the good stuff was in the hard stuff.

Joyce 46:23

Mm-hmm. Yeah, As you were talking, it just reminded me of, I don't know what motherhood journey has been for you in regards to, like, I know in this season it's been, like, rage and overall stuff, but I feel like when I look at the big picture of becoming a parent, I had to become a parent to finally learn a deeper level of empathy to have a greater level of understanding people. And I feel like I have always in the past been able to connect with people. but once I became a parent, a lot of the struggle that Tyler and I have gone through, it, it broke us a lot. There was a lot of breaking. just the journey we went through with Kian, and his eczema, and his

Sophia 47:05

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Joyce 47:06

just... But it was through that that God gave me a soft heart, it was a heart that could actually understand pain better and understand struggle better, in and itself gave me a greater level of empathy to be able to view mankind and humanity better,

Sophia 47:23

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 47:23

you know? Um, and it's just been, interesting because I think sometimes can look at the struggles that we go through as a parent and as a mother and be like, "Why do I have to go through this?" Like, "I just don't want

Sophia 47:37

Yeah

Joyce 47:38

I don't want it, Lord," right? Like, "I don't want it. I don't want this." do we have to go through the struggle? And I wrestled with that a lot, and I think every time I have gone through a deep sorrow as a parent or in motherhood or in pregnancy, I have always heard God's voice, always whispered the same thing that, like, where you were saying, Sophia, where he's like, "I never promised you perfect But I promised you that I'm right here with you, and it has been the times where I have felt the closest God,

Sophia 48:11

Hmm

Joyce 48:11

and it has been those moments where I have had a better and more clear understanding of the heart of God.

Sophia 48:19

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 100%.

Joyce 48:22

So I think it's just been a form of encouragement for the ummah who's listening and is, really in the thick of it. maybe you are wrestling with the thoughts of, like, "Why am I having to go through this?" And I don't know the struggle, and I don't know what it is that's going through, and each and every person's hardship is so unique and individual. but I really do hope that as you're listening, that you're able to find the hope of, the reminder that God never promised us easy, which is really hard truth to swallow as

Sophia 48:56

Yeah.

Joyce 48:57

Christians. It's

Sophia 48:57

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 48:58

truth to swallow. But He promised hope, and He promised His presence, and I do hope that if you are someone who's going through the thick of it, that perhaps at the end of this, that you're able to look back and realize, like, Oh, wow, I can see where God was so faithful to me in those

Sophia 49:16

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 49:18

And also, wow, if my heart hurts so much right now as a parent and as a human, how much more is God heart, hurting with me

Sophia 49:27

Yeah

Joyce 49:28

it for me? and I think that's sometimes the hope that carries me through some really dark times is that I'm not alone in my grief and in my sorrow

Sophia 49:38

Hmm

Joyce 49:39

my struggles and in my anger and in my frustrations, God is sharing that very moment with me as well.

Sophia 49:45

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I love that. like what you mentioned, God never promised perfect.

Joyce 49:51

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 49:52

But also, I was thinking, I always feel like I need to do things right. But then God never requires us to do everything perfectly.

Joyce 50:02

Right. what Jesus was for.

Sophia 50:04

Yes, exactly. Jesus boy. Oh, like, and what God requires from us is just faithfulness, faithful obedience.

Joyce 50:10

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 50:11

and we're not gonna do things perfectly, and we're never gonna have perfect outcomes. But God just wants us to trust Him, and you mentioned hope, and that's something that I've always wrestled with. like even with Mom Rage when I mentioned, like, I just don't feel like I have hope that I can ever change. and it seemed like I was looking at myself, but it was also a declaration in the lack of trust

Joyce 50:36

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 50:36

faith in God,

Joyce 50:38

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 50:39

That God can heal me, that God can change me. and that's something that I've been noticing more in myself, my lack of trust in God. Um, and is why I'm like, I'm so thankful for my new routine of reading a scripture, even if it's, not always the most, renewing process with kids. But, like, I remember reading Genesis 15:6, and it's that verse where, God, for the first time, promises Abraham children, even though they're old, and then God promised descendants as many as the stars.

Joyce 51:13

Mm-hmm

Sophia 51:13

then it says, like, Abraham believed in God, and God counted it as righteousness. And then what's even more crazy ummazing is that right after that, He makes a covenant with Abraham where He bears all the risk and the cost of that covenant,

Joyce 51:32

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 51:32

it is one of the most remarkable passages in the Bible that really sets Christianity apart from any other religion, where God makes a covenant with you, and then He bears the cost of it.

Joyce 51:45

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 51:46

and Okay, Abraham's not my favorite character in the Bible. He is trash. He's a terrible husband. from a modern eyes, he's just like, wow, you tell your wife to sleep with random men because you're afraid of It's, it, you coward. And then your wife is like, "Oh, I can't bear kids." "Okay, I'm gonna have sex with your servant." Anyway, like, he is not a very, uh, upstanding man. But at the same time, like, God saw his faith and trust in God, and you can see his

Joyce 52:14

Mm-hmm

Sophia 52:14

journey, from a very flawed, cowardly, untrusting man to someone who, fully trusts God. By the time he gets to sacrificing Isaac, like, you see his faith grow and grow and grow. And I think that's really the one main thing that God asks from us, is that we put trust in him. We might not trust him completely at first, but as we are faithful, and we show up, and we're consistent, we see God show up, and our faith grows, not from blind faith, but from evidences of God's presence. And that's what you mentioned, too, Joyce, about

Joyce 52:50

Mm-hmm.

Sophia 52:50

seeing God's presence in that moments of deep sorrow and grief and suffering, in your journey as a wife and as a mother and as a human being

Joyce 53:00

Mm-hmm. Yeah

Sophia 53:03

God always shows up and that's all He requests from us, not that we trust Him perfectly, but that we strive to trust Him, and we look for His presence, we look for evidences of His faithfulness

Joyce 53:15

And then we invite Him into that,

Sophia 53:16

Yeah

Joyce 53:18

that I think is hard, is for us to invite Him into those moments of struggle. we can sometimes separate God from what we're experiencing, versus realizing He's actually standing right... with me in it. and I think that can sometimes be encouraging, not. But I think it's just a hope that I hope that we can remind ourselves and also all of you who are listening, is just that in those moments where we feel so, so alone, y- truly you are not. Like, you truly are not. I feel like God has reminded me of that. I remember there was a moment one day, I was feeling so low with myself, and struggling, and really needing a word of encouragement. And, I think I texted Tyler about it or something. I remember just like, just feeling like I'm not getting it from my spouse, and I, like,

Sophia 54:15

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 54:15

I think, from Tyler.

Sophia 54:17

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 54:17

I remember making a cup of coffee and making my lunch, and I was, like, so upset, and I was, like, feeling like, I just need encouragement." I'm like, "You know what? I'm gonna encourage myself." Like, I'm gonna be that self-talk person. And I was like, "Joyce, I see you. I see what you're doing." And I was like, "The heck am I doing?" But I was like, "I see you." And I'm trying to encourage myself and be... Like, I'm like, "Okay, let's not dummy down on myself, but let me uplift myself at least. Speak truth to me." and as I'm speaking it, I hear God, talk into that moment, and being like, "What are you doing?" He like, "Joyce, I already say that to you." And I just started, like, crying. And

Sophia 54:58

हम्म।

Joyce 54:59

like, "I see that you're a good mother, and I see that you are trying, and I see all that you do. I see all the things that you think nobody sees that you do. I see it, and I see the sacrifice that you put in, and I see what you are carrying in your heart as a mother, I see it. And though no one else may see it, and you feel that no one else sees it, it is seen."

Sophia 55:25

Hmm.

Joyce 55:26

I just remember I just started crying 'cause I was like, "Oh- You're right. nothing we do-- I think that's an encouragement of being maybe a Christian mother a non, that we carry the hope of knowing that our struggles are seen and that

Sophia 55:42

Yeah.

Joyce 55:43

by a God

Sophia 55:44

Yeah

Joyce 55:45

and cares for us and desires the best for us, versus a lot of moms that we all know and we are ourselves. we talk about the invisible labor and the invisible mental

Sophia 55:54

Mm-hmm.

Joyce 55:55

invisible because it's what we carry. But it's not invisible to God.

Sophia 55:59

嗯。

Joyce 55:59

is highly visible, and God sees that like as if we wrote it on pen and

Sophia 56:04

Yeah. Yeah

Joyce 56:06

and I think that sometimes we have to remind ourselves though it's invisible to our partner and invisible to the world of what we carry as mothers and as ummas, it is not invisible to God, and God sees all that we do and all that we strive and struggle through and carry through, it is seen,

Sophia 56:24

Yeah

Joyce 56:25

as alone as we think we are

Sophia 56:27

Yeah, and then He credits it to us as righteousness. I love that.

Joyce 56:31

All right, ummaz. so I just hope that we end this note as a little bit more hope, uh, for this season, and so Sophie and I are each gonna read, a word. So we're gonna read a verse from the Bible or read a passage. I'm gonna read Psalm 4:8, and it says, "In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

Sophia 56:54

I loved, and Joyce has that tattoo

Joyce 56:56

I have that

Sophia 56:57

on her

Joyce 56:58

on me that I forget about sometimes.

Sophia 57:02

That's why you have that tattoo, to remind you. Yeah. And mine is Psalm 131, and as you r- look at my Bible, I see a note saying, "Memorize this for 2022." So, so somehow in 2021, I had read this, but I don't think I memorized it, but okay, here we go again. Psalm 131: O Lord, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high. I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother. Like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time forth and forevermore. Amen.

Joyce 57:51

Amen

57:53

Thank you so much for listening. If you've been liking our episodes, please follow, like, subscribe, or leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, wherever you listen to podcasts. We'd love to connect with you and hear your thoughts and feedback. You can find us on Instagram at The Old Umma Club or reach out to us at theoldummaclub@gmail.com. Gotta give a big thank you to Kevin MacLeod for our music. Until next time, ummas, may the Lord bless you and keep you sane, hydrated, and fulfilled the way only He can.