She Built the Career. Lost the Man and Found Herself.

Business woman, mother, author and former NFL wife Rashidah Young shares how she found love at a young age twice, but after infidelity, losing herself in both marriages and raising six children, she decided something needed to change. Travel with us on her journey to self love when you watch the latest episode of The Truth Ain't In Us with Host Tonya Wilder.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome everybody to the Truth Ain't In It. I'm Tanya Walker, your host. And here, you know, we're to tell the truth. We're unapologetic. I gotta get that word right. We're definitely unbothered if we stand on the truth and we tell the truth. Let's get it going. So, because many women have spent years, you know, building their lives, building their career, building their family, surviving their marriage, or surviving betrayal, or even becoming independent. Only to wake up one day and realize that the dating scene is not what it needs to be. And I have a special guest that's gonna actually join me tonight. Her name is Rachida Young. Rishita, welcome to the Truth Ain't In Us. It is such a pleasure to have you here with me tonight. Let the people know who you are, what you do, and then we're gonna get into it.

SPEAKER_04 1:05

I would say I am her, baby. I am her. And I and I say that jokingly as a part of uh my introduction just because of my healing journey and everything that I've gone through, everything you talked about. It took me 40-something years to figure out I am that bitch. I am who I think I am, exactly who I think I am. Um, and through that, that shows up as a mother of six. I've been an educator, I'm an author, um, I own my own brokerage, so I'm a real estate broker. Um, and I am currently Miss Georgia for America Strong 2025.

SPEAKER_02 1:38

You are that bitch. Literally, she is literally that bitch. Yes, yes, sir. I know you talked a little bit about um being a pageant queen. Tell us about that.

SPEAKER_04 1:50

Yeah, so I started in pageantry many years ago. Um, I think I did some childhood pageants, but my first state title was in 2004. So I was Mrs. Maryland, United States, 2004. Okay. Um I went on to be in Miss Florida, United States, 2008, Miss Florida Galaxy 2009. And now this is my fourth state title that I will be uh crowning the next queen in about two weeks. And what one of the things that we always talk about is we're all queens. So no matter who wins that specific pageant, we are all queens coming to the table, bringing what we have, showcasing it. And then any given day, the judges are gonna pick who they think will carry that title for that year. But we're all queens, and so it's been a really phenomenal sisterhood for me over the years and just going through life, um, figuring out who I am, divorce, raising children. It's been a very necessary part of my core support system.

SPEAKER_02 2:42

Well, we're gonna talk about all of that, and I'm gonna get started really just going back um to your high school years, and so you married your heart, your high school sweetheart.

SPEAKER_04 2:55

My childhood sweetheart, uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 2:57

Oh, childhood sweetheart. Yeah, and he um made it to the NFL, right? And you guys were married for nine years. You have three beautiful children with him. And I want to ask you, how was that, you know, adapting to that lifestyle? Because when I looked looked him up, uh, I saw that he signed a seven point something million dollar contract his first year. What excuse me? 10 million. Well, the internet is not always correct, guys, as you can see. Okay, we do our homework, and literally it told me seven point something million. Okay, so ten million.

SPEAKER_04 3:42

He had a 2.5 million dollar sign and bonus, so that's why I probably would say that.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

But the kind of thing contract. And so did you guys first like either one of you grew up with a silver spoon in your mouth?

SPEAKER_03 4:07

And he didn't have I mean he grew up in in a versus reality. I was a baby, so it's just my brother and I.

SPEAKER_04 4:23

So I tell people I was raised like I had two dads and spoiled.

SPEAKER_03 4:28

So I had, you know, a great education. I couldn't think of anything I wanted that I didn't get. So when I wanted name brand things, I would go get those things on my own because I had to work ethic. But in my world, it revolved around me. What she probably did, her and my dad did to make me, you know, help me be sheltered. When do you think money grow on trees? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:01

I would go to, you know, my parents and my grandparents and my aunt, like I could go to them and say, Hey, I want to do you deserve it. Okay, what are your grades? Like, yeah, you get it. And so I grew up with that particular so he's from a small country town in Kingsland, Georgia. And my family is from Woodpine, Georgia.

SPEAKER_02 5:20

So we're talking about two country towns.

SPEAKER_04 5:23

I have a cousin, my first cousin. Um, it's his also his first cousin, but we're not related.

SPEAKER_02 5:29

Okay, I I understand that. I get it.

SPEAKER_04 5:31

My uncle had a baby by his aunt, and they never got married.

SPEAKER_02 5:33

Gotcha.

SPEAKER_04 5:34

So but she was older than us, so her babysitting us, we were just around each other. Um, I believe his grandmother had a picture of us. I think the youngest was about three years old, from what I remember. Yeah. Um, so we've been around each other all our lives.

SPEAKER_02 5:47

Gotcha. And so how difficult was it dealing with other women? Because you you think about the NFL, um, sports, whether you're a celebrity or in the music industry, whatever the case may be, men with money, period, businessmen. When it came to the women, how was that for you? And I know you can't really speak for him, but in so many uh words, like, how was that you know, for him as well?

SPEAKER_04 6:21

Yeah, it was a lot, it was a lot for him to manage and handle, and you have to think we were so young, so that's what I'm saying. His experiences, he didn't have a whole lot, he was always cute, he wasn't always a millionaire, and so you know that brought about a different type of attention. So I I can't speak for, like you said, how he processed it. Yeah, but it was it was tough for both of us because it did come along with the women, and um, me being I tell people if I had to describe myself, I was I'm a polished hood shit. So my mom put me in things, I know how to speak, I know how to, but there's a hood side that will come out, exactly, and you know, certain triggers will cause that to happen, and that's what started happening. And so, you know, he would come in the house at certain time, and I'm I'm with whatever, whatever I can find.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

He may get the broom to his head.

SPEAKER_04 7:11

The phone for sure. Um, yeah, and so um I did I talked, I think I talked about it in my book, I chased a girl with a hammer.

SPEAKER_02 7:19

Oh wow, yeah. So um not you, sweet Rashida.

SPEAKER_04 7:24

Ooh.

SPEAKER_02 7:26

I can't even imagine.

SPEAKER_04 7:28

I know, I know, most people don't know that.

SPEAKER_02 7:30

Well, love will bring out the craziness in us, you know. I think love will definitely bring out the craziness um in a relationship.

SPEAKER_04 7:39

Absolutely, absolutely, and so I think that again, those triggers were there, and the lifestyle only magnified some things, and um yeah, so that was that was what happened. We just had to deal with a lot, and I got to a point where I didn't want to lose my best friend, I didn't want to lose my brother, and I was losing, I was beginning to hate what we were going through. And so I felt like it was better for me to walk away and us focus on co-parenting than to stay in it, and that's what happened.

SPEAKER_02 8:09

Because I know they say money is the route to all evil, but I am saying women is the route to all evil today, you know? Like, why do you think men are so addictive to women and just not like you're married, so you're supposed to be as one, you're supposed to be committed, you committed to this relationship. So why do you feel, especially with men who have money?

SPEAKER_04 8:36

That's loaded. Um pow pow. Right, you do that, you did that, you do that. I like that. Um, so the question you asked is why are men addicted to women? Women and men are addicted to women, but that's come that clarity comes when we understand how powerful we as women truly are. One, we're the only beings on this planet that can go between worlds. We we birth, you know, things from the unseen into the scene. Well, that in itself is magnetic. And then the way that we can alchemize things, we can alchemize pain, we can alchemize trauma. Um, we have a manifesting power when it comes to money, when it comes to the desires of our heart, things of that nature. Yes, we are addictive beings. So I don't think the question is why are they addicted to us? The bigger question is do they know what to do and how to honor the woman that they choose to be addicted to? And if they don't see that, if they're not used to that, then that becomes a challenge. It becomes a challenge for them to say, because all women are addicted, no matter what high low, you're gonna every a woman trying to find a man has never been a problem. Yeah, or getting a man has never been a problem. So, you know, she has what it takes. It's just is is this man in a place where he can say, I'm addicted to this energy and focus on that. The second part of that was can a man be committed to a woman if that is a man's choice, but it has to be his choice, he has to decide that this is what I want to commit to, and then whatever I need to do to make that happen, meaning I'm honest with my woman about everything, so that in the event that maybe I am tempted, because this woman over here got an appeal about her, hey babe, this is going on over here. I feel this way. Can I tell you about it? Is this a safe space to tell you about it? And then what are we gonna do? What boundaries are we gonna put in place to make sure we're good? So those are all choices that men get to make.

SPEAKER_02 10:33

I sometimes feel like I know people like to say that um women who don't have their daddy or their father in their lives, you know, um they lack that daddy syndrome or whatever, but I think men lack the same thing by not having their fathers in their lives and not having that role model or someone, and and they may have uh a father in their life, but just not teaching them how to be a man, how to be a family man, how to be a man of God, and um honor their wives and their relationships? So that brings me to asking you have you ever dealt with any friends like coming on to your man? Um, you know, especially in it, you know, you got the what $10 million man there, and you have, you know, friends. Did you lose any friends behind any of this?

SPEAKER_04 11:33

It so remember, I told you I'm a polished hood chick. So none of my friends that I am aware of would have ever considered it because they knew the side of me that that I like orange, so I would have volunteered on any given day. Because we just heard Gail King just did an interview, and she said her friend was in the house, in the bed with her man.

SPEAKER_02 11:54

So that's why I wanted to know like you never experienced that in your first marriage or second marriage.

SPEAKER_04 12:02

My friends that I consider my friends have been my friends since elementary school, high school, and college. So I haven't had that experience. Um, and so they've known me. Like those are my friends, like through the marriages, through all the things, they're still my friends. So I don't know of anyone. Um, not saying it has never happened, so I you know, I don't want to stand here and say, but I haven't had the experience of knowing. I haven't been privy to that information.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

Oh, that's definitely a blessing, I would say, because I know a lot of women go through that and even like getting a divorce.

SPEAKER_04 12:44

Now, so so you the first marriage. Yes, second marriage, different story.

SPEAKER_02 12:49

But we're gonna get into the second marriage. We're gonna get into the second marriage. Okay, we're we're we're we're climbing up the steps. Yeah, you know walking up the steps.

SPEAKER_04 12:57

No, absolutely first marriage I have I did not, and and and again, um to this day, my friends were my friends. Now, I also had a uh pastor, one of my I call her mama, play mama, um, when I started pastoring, we'll get into it later. But her thing was your friends and your friends have been your friends forever, and anybody from this point on are people you know.

SPEAKER_02 13:18

Yeah, and do you have do you consider anyone being a best friend?

SPEAKER_04 13:24

Yeah, I have um my childhood friend, she and I have been together our whole lives. Our parents knew each other when she was about one, and my mom was pregnant with me, and we've been together 40 some years, and uh yeah, that's my best friend. I call her my sister. We actually have told each other the lie, tell the lie so long we're sisters, people wouldn't know the difference. Um, but that's my best friend my whole life.

SPEAKER_02 13:45

That's awesome. And did fame ever make it harder for you to trust people and building relationships, or like you know, you hear people say um they're friends with people, and you you find out people are there because of the fame and the money and what they can get, who they can meet and connect with.

SPEAKER_04 14:10

Yeah, I I I've seen relationships evolve from that. Um, but I've I've always tried to be true to who I am, and so even when it comes up, I have a really good my intuition is on point. So I know how to deal with people. So I would know how to address, you know, it doesn't mean I have to be nasty, but I just can tell if you're here for an arterial motive, then I understand that.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

So you haven't lost any friends through your first marriage, through the fame, the money, or anything like that. All of my every single one of them still and I'm and I'm gonna keep it real right here because you are watching the truth ain't in us family coming to borrow money.

SPEAKER_04 14:51

That's yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:52

No, you haven't lost relationships because you had to say no. Like, how was that? Because you have people pulling from you in every direction, calling you, my lights just got turned off. Um, you know, we ain't got no food or whatever the case may be. My car note, whatever.

SPEAKER_04 15:09

Now he and I, my my first husband is very quiet and non-confrontational. Me, I don't have a problem. So my people didn't come to me asking for this or that and the other. You know, we decided early on what are we gonna do for my parents. Um, we had understandings of if there's if somebody came to me on my side or his side and they asked for something under a certain amount, and they're like, this is yours under $500, we didn't have to have a conversation about it. Anything over $500 or whatever number we had in place, we're gonna talk about it and decide this is something that we want to do.

SPEAKER_02 15:39

Because you know you're gonna be giving that money away. You're not getting it back.

SPEAKER_04 15:42

You're not yeah, and then so for him, um, yeah, he had people that want to start uh businesses, uh-huh. They want to start things, and um, you know, or people wait till Christmas and they don't have anything to to for their children, and I hadn't talked to this cousin and some some years.

SPEAKER_02 15:59

How did you handle that?

SPEAKER_04 16:01

Um, everybody probably you got a grace time, you got one time grace, but two Christmases in a row, and you know you ain't have the last Christmas, then you got 12 months to prepare for the next one. So I was just I would I would always try to make it make sense to him. Like, okay, is this something you want to do? But for him, and people, this is how he and I work. He may tell me he doesn't want to, but he may not want to hurt their feelings.

SPEAKER_02 16:22

So he put you up to you, you gotta be the person. I think that's how it is in my marriage. My husband has me to be the face. Like he he's in the back. And he's he's screaming, hell no, okay, but then he ain't gonna be the one to say it. It's gonna be Tanya. So I'm looked at as the villain in the family, which I don't think is fair to me, because I think at the end of the day, you should be able to stand ten toes down and say hell no.

SPEAKER_04 16:51

So he wouldn't do that part, but if they had a problem with me, he would stand ten toes down. Okay, but you're not gonna say nothing about her.

SPEAKER_02 16:58

All right. And before we move on, are you guys still friends? Because I know you have three beautiful children with him. Are you guys still friends?

SPEAKER_04 17:07

He just called right before we started the show to ask me a question about something. He needed an address from her from something long time ago.

SPEAKER_02 17:14

And did you want to say his name?

SPEAKER_04 17:15

Are you a I his name is Travis Taylor?

SPEAKER_02 17:18

Travis Taylor, okay. And he played for the Baltimore Ravens.

SPEAKER_04 17:22

Okay, okay. That's that's that's good stuff. And it hasn't always been this way. When you go from husband and wife, um there's an emotional tie that's being severed, you know, it's being adjusted. And so you go from being husband and wife to never co-parenting. So initially, when the emotions were very high, that wasn't my best friend, and I wasn't his best friend. But over time, and because we always agreed to keep the children first, um, that was just what we did. And so no matter how much me and him could fight like cats and dogs, and this is why I say the brother to sister dynamic, me and him could go at it, but we won't let anybody else say anything about either one of us, and in front of those kids, we always presented a united front, and it's always been that way.

SPEAKER_02 18:07

And one final question about that marriage. Did you guys end your marriage because of infidelity, or you just grew apart?

SPEAKER_04 18:16

Um, like what was the final um yeah, you know, there was a lot of infidelity, and um and what I like to say just for clarity, is an originally there was a lot of infidelity one way. I'm from College Park. So I'm a Scorpio, and I'm a Scorpio, so please don't ever get it too sick because I don't ever want nobody to say my get back will always make you too. So the lick back came and um They can't handle it though. They and and and but he did. He did, and when I say I can always give him credit because he said, You you if I had not, you would have never. And so, you know, he took responsibility for for those things. But at the end, yes, I couldn't take it anymore, and I didn't want us to to do this tit for tat anymore and hurt each other, and so I left um hoping you know we could work it out. And the truth was, even after you know, we the awards, he he had come to me and was like, just give me five years, you know, let me let me get it out of my system and and let's see what we can do. And I waited four years, and that's when I met my second husband.

SPEAKER_02 19:27

Oh, we're about to now we're about to jump, but I I I would say, would you go back? Is he remarried?

SPEAKER_04 19:34

He's not remarried, he is in a relationship with a phenomenal person. Like I I talked to her a week ago and I told her, like, listen, the version of him that's shown up for you, you're doing something right.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

Don't that make you mad? Because we put in all these hard. I think I've heard some women say that, you know, I put in all this hard work to get him to where he is today, and now somebody else gets the best version of him. So you have no regrets when it comes to that.

SPEAKER_04 20:04

I lived with regrets. So my platform right now is choosing yourself without guilt.

SPEAKER_02 20:08

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 20:08

This is what what I talk about all the time.

SPEAKER_02 20:11

Awesome.

SPEAKER_04 20:11

At that point, so going back to the first marriage, and that was final in 2007. I didn't understand what I know now. Like I didn't understand it then. But the regret would have been, I wish he would be something different, and he wasn't. And then I didn't show up how I didn't show up as my best version either. So, you know, coulda, woulda, shoulda, it is one thing. The reality is we didn't, and so that's all I could deal with. And so I had to live with that and realize what he brought out of me was a side of me that understood I like marriage. I love marriage. And then I jumped into, you know, another myself.

SPEAKER_02 20:53

So who is Rashida today?

SPEAKER_04 20:57

I am a quirky, uh silly, goofy, loving, spiritual, nurturing being who, like I said, fills the role of mother, friend, ex-wife, co-parent, author, pageant guru, like so it took all of that I've gone through through both relationships to figure out who I am. And I'm not the roles that I fulfill, I am the being that fulfills those roles.

SPEAKER_02 21:27

And so your second marriage, how did you meet your second husband? And before you met him, because I think a lot of women sometimes don't give themselves the opportunity to heal. Did you allow yourself that time because you were young? So how did you meet him? Were you fully healed? So let's talk about it.

SPEAKER_04 21:53

So um we um I didn't want my first divorce. So again, he filed because. I wouldn't, I was never going to file in my first relationship. I was never going to file, and just some things happened that he thought I wouldn't be able to get over. And so he filed just to probably before I found out thinking that that was. Was it another kid?

SPEAKER_02 22:14

So would have would that have been the the what's the saying? The um yeah, the straw that broke the camel's back. Because for me, I think that would have been in my relationship with my husband.

SPEAKER_04 22:30

So let me let me tell you this. I had a dream about I'm a dreamer. I'm I'm I've been a I'm a prophet, a psychic, whatever you want to call it. I have been that my whole life. So I had a dream about the child and told him he had a child and told him how old the child was. He didn't know about the child. So I'm having this dream telling him you have a child. And he was like, No, I don't. He wasn't lying because he didn't know. Um, and so once he did find out, you know, he went ahead and filed and um didn't tell me until I think it was right after the divorce was finally when I found out. And um, but I told him in that process, I said, You're filing because you've done something that you don't think I can forgive. And that's don't make that decision for me.

SPEAKER_02 23:13

Did that not piss you off because you had taken him back after all the infidelity, and now here he is filing for a divorce. Was that like devastating? Because it would have been something.

SPEAKER_04 23:29

It was it was very painful, it was very hurtful. Um, I probably, yeah, I I I thought I was losing my mind. I wanted to lose my mind if I wasn't. I mean, it was it was one of the hardest things that I ever had to feel with in life at that point.

SPEAKER_02 23:43

And I and I think sometimes it just makes me wonder when it comes to men, their their their mindset, the way they think. Um, and do they even consider because was he considering your feelings at that time or was it just about his feelings?

SPEAKER_04 24:03

I think he was tired of hurting me. I honestly think he was tired of hurting me, and we got married so young, so he didn't know if I really want to be here or not, because he he was torn between a lot of things, and so I think his decision was based off, and which is what his father told him. If you don't want to do right by her, let her go on. Yeah, it's not fair to her, and so um I think that's the point that he was in. And again, like I said, he asked, Well, can you give me five years? We grew up in a church, so he didn't want to be doing it while we're still married.

SPEAKER_02 24:35

So he wanted you to put your life on pause for him so he could go out there and sow his wild oats. That's pretty much what he's saying.

SPEAKER_04 24:44

Yeah, I don't think he meant wait and not be with anybody.

unknown 24:47

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

Okay. Okay, so he the man. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 24:56

I think that I think that was the thought. I don't think that was the thing. I don't think he was saying you don't do anything and just sit here and wait on me, you know, you be the good girl. That wasn't the the connotation. I think it was just well, and by you know, if I come back in this amount of time, then yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

And so let's move on to the next relationship. So you're not healed, and how did we meet? Yes, your second husband.

SPEAKER_04 25:21

So um I was dating, um, and I met this guy. And it's this is literally, I think, right around the time my divorce was about to be final. Or it had just because something, like, I think it was like in my mind, and this guy, this guy wanted to marry me. So he proposed, but I'm thinking that by my ex-husband, or soon to be ex-husband, I don't think it was final at the time. That when Travis found out, he would just come and say, I don't want you to do this.

SPEAKER_03 25:55

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 25:56

And and so uh the guy is all excited because I got this baller wife, this NFL wife. So I know he was all excited and telling everybody. So he goes to the barber shop one day, he takes me with him, of course, to show off.

SPEAKER_02 26:07

And uh he's got this dime piece on his arm, okay.

SPEAKER_04 26:11

And the barber can sing, so he was like, he can sing at our wedding. So I'm like, okay. So you know, we go, and in my mind, I'm thinking, dude, we are never getting married, but you know, I'm just waiting on my ex-husband to come.

SPEAKER_02 26:22

So you weren't in love with this man.

SPEAKER_04 26:24

No, no, no, no. And so, long story short, um, my ex- Boy Travis did call, and he was like, Hey, you don't want to be with this man no more than the man in the moon, you know, stop. And I was like, All right. He didn't say I'm gonna be with you, but he was just like, you already know. And I and he was writing, so I broke it off with a guy. And about eight months later, I can't a few months later, the barber who could sing saw that I had written a book and I had put it on. This is um, I had released the book and I'm promoting it on MySpace.

SPEAKER_02 26:58

And here's the book, and it is My Love Walk was My Love Walk Over the Dead Roses.

SPEAKER_04 27:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:07

Oh, what does that mean?

SPEAKER_04 27:08

Well, so I um I released the book and the barber singer messaged me on MySpace and was like, hey sis, congratulations. You know, he told me who he was. I was the barber. Um, and you know, if you ever ever want to promote your book at any of my shows, because he was a gospel artist at the time, you know, we can meet to for lunch to talk about it. And so I was like, okay, yeah, I'm promoting a book, of course. You know.

SPEAKER_02 27:36

So the barber is your second husband.

unknown 27:38

Ah, this is deep.

SPEAKER_04 27:40

Okay, okay, okay. So we go to lunch and talk about me promoting my book at his shows. Um, and it was a very long conversation, but in that conversation, I told him, I really am, you know, waiting on my first husband to get it together. He told me, and I said, you know, he asked me to give him five years. I'm a year four now, I might as well wait another year. So the first conversation, I wasn't thinking, I didn't see down the road. I was being, we just having a good friendly conversation. Um, he says he knew instantly, like at that lunch, that I was her. And um yeah, that was the start.

SPEAKER_02 28:17

So that was the start for your second serious relationship, right? And so how did you guys like the dating process? Because I know that he was a pastor, you were a pastor.

SPEAKER_04 28:33

We were both ministers at our church, huh?

SPEAKER_02 28:35

So, how did you guys get into that?

SPEAKER_04 28:38

So at the time, my second husband, he was going through a divorce.

SPEAKER_02 28:44

So he wasn't fully divorced yet, okay.

SPEAKER_04 28:46

Okay. And I wasn't over my first husband. Gotcha. And so when we, you know, started talking, of course, there's a natural trauma. And um we we talked, we talked, and we dated for about eight months. In those eight months, he ended up his divorce was final. And we got married eight months later.

SPEAKER_02 29:09

Eight months later. Was that time enough, you think?

SPEAKER_04 29:14

It wasn't. I mean, it was so you know. To really get to know someone, I think had we spent more time together, some of the things and issues that came up would have come up before we were already married and locked in. And you know, we could have addressed them then at that point. I don't I can't say whether we would have gotten married or not. But enough things did come up in the dating scene, but I was not healed, and therefore I overlooked a lot.

SPEAKER_02 29:43

So what did you overlook, first of all? Um because you said you overlooked a lot, and I think a lot of women, we do that, and we feel like at the end of the day, we can change that person. We can, you know, make them something that they're not. But the real thing is that change comes from within. They gotta want to change themselves, they gotta be able to look themselves in the mirror and see that beast at the end of the day and accept their flaws to in order to want to change who they are. So what what were some of the things that you noticed?

SPEAKER_04 30:31

He was married.

SPEAKER_02 30:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 30:33

Overlook issue number one. So the bottom line is you're still married.

SPEAKER_02 30:37

And I was he still living with his spouse when I met him?

SPEAKER_04 30:40

Okay, and I don't know her. So now as a 40-something-year-old adult, I'm 47. So at 47, do I know there's multiple sides to a story now? Yes. At 28, 29, maybe I was almost 30. Um, should I have known? Absolutely. But a hurting version of me overlooked it. I didn't know her. I don't know what was going on between them. I'm only hearing his side of the story. And so I heard a lot of things, and my heart automatically went out to him. You know, I felt for I felt for him. I felt his pain. I felt, you know, and then and then we're talking. I'm I'm beginning to hear your story. I understand maybe why you're feeling this way. Going, I mean, oh, I'm I'm I'm a hit, I'm a nurturer, so I'm listening and I'm eating it up.

SPEAKER_02 31:25

So you were being naive.

SPEAKER_04 31:26

And all I can think about is I could love him through it. I can love him like none other. Not knowing this woman at some point probably had the same thought. Or if not, you know, it was not my responsibility at that time to do that. So yeah, I I own I own that. And that's that's really um one of the main things that I felt like I overlooked.

SPEAKER_02 31:48

So do you feel like you destroyed a marriage?

SPEAKER_04 31:53

No.

SPEAKER_02 31:53

No.

SPEAKER_04 31:54

That was already the fact that me and him were even and that the fact that we were even where we were, there were some other things going on. And and that was a part of why I knew they had already gone to their pastor and decided, hey, you know, we're not working out. The pastor, from what I understand, asked them to try it for a year, and if they didn't work it out at the end of the year, then so be it. So I actually met with that pastor, and so I was not under any impression. I don't think that I think that's the to this day, I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 32:22

So you never had a conversation with her ever.

SPEAKER_04 32:26

I've I've prayed and and asked and sinned. I would kind of please forgive me thoughts in my mind. Because maybe if I didn't know, you know, but you didn't know that yeah, yeah, you didn't know that you were the other woman. Well I knew I was I knew he was going through it, but I didn't know I would be the next one.

SPEAKER_02 32:43

Gotcha. Gotcha. And so what led you both into ministry?

SPEAKER_04 32:50

I grew up in a church. Uh-huh. And so when I went through my first divorce, I was broken. Like, I don't what I can't function. So God, Jesus, the whole ministry team, everybody gonna have to help me get through it because I couldn't, that was the love of my life. And so even though I maintained my identity throughout that relationship, like I stayed in school, I got my degree, I started my own businesses because I never wanted to lose myself. I felt like my mom had worked hard to make me the woman that I am, so I didn't want to lose myself in that. But when I had to sever that identity, um, it was it was life-changing, it was tough, and I'm raising three girls at the same time, so it was a lot. Um, it was a lot, so I ran straight to church because that's what I knew.

SPEAKER_02 33:35

So, was that a calling for you and for him, or was it something else? Because did you guys go to like ministry school?

SPEAKER_04 33:43

We both were our day ministers. We um but we um that was a part of it too. When we got together, we both had ministry um in us, and I from what I've understood, his ex-wife was not like the visible person, and I you know live out loud. So I think that was an appeal for him, and we both could do it. And so, yes, we started a ministry together in 2010. We got married in 2009 and we started ministry together in 2010.

SPEAKER_02 34:08

And so you guys were married for what 15 years, and being that you were still at the beginning um of this relationship with your ex, your first ex, and you still have feelings for him. When did you start to develop develop feelings for your second husband?

SPEAKER_04 34:30

We went into our relationship saying, because we both have walked away from marriages or have been divorced, we knew that you could leave a marriage, but we felt like you wouldn't leave your best friend. So we went into it building a bond of you're we're building a friendship, a best friendship. And so we talked about everything. I I knew he was he did wasn't over his at this point ex-wife. Um, he knew I wasn't over my ex-husband, but it didn't mean and we also felt like we didn't have to stop loving them. You don't stop loving a person, you change the dynamic of how you interact, but you don't turn it on and off. Love is, I feel like it's eternal. So we understood that, so we talked about everything, and and I mean we were building this best friendship. So when things would happen where I felt like he had broken the trust before the marriage and after, it was a dagger to me as the best friend because I I came into it not as this controlling wife, I'm not a jealous wife, I'm not, you know, and so when those things would happen, it would it would just break me. And I hadn't reached a level of accountability yet. So it was just I'm just getting more and more angry with him, more and more frustrated with him, more and more disappointed by him.

SPEAKER_02 35:52

So when you say things would happen, because a lie here, a lie there. And I can I would like to uh am I okay to keep it real with you? You can keep it real with you. Okay. So please do. Being that he was married, that's uh sign number one. Okay. And just because I'm listening to you now, it seems like you were the one that wanted the ministry. Am I correct?

SPEAKER_04 36:24

We both know we're both. You both?

SPEAKER_02 36:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 36:26

He was he was already he was going through his ordination on the industry. Okay, so yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:29

Okay, so he was already a cheater. Did you think that you building this friendship with him was going to change this man?

SPEAKER_04 36:40

Oh yeah. Oh.

SPEAKER_02 36:43

Why?

SPEAKER_04 36:43

Because why this is where I'm saying I hadn't taken accountability yet. The reality was I was searching for something I was hurting. And so hurting people hurt people. So he was feeling, he was, he was soothing his wound. You know, I had a uh I had just had my whole world taken from me. And I wanted to prove that I could be this good wife because I had to not, something had to be wrong with me why this first marriage didn't work. Forget what he was doing. Let me take you know, responsibility. I some I wasn't the best wife, and then I got my lick back. So then I'm thinking, well, maybe I was being punished because I got my lick back. So all of these things are going through my mind at the time, and here I am, I meet this person who is mirroring me. Like we are identical. He everything I think and thought we we had the same things in common. And um, oh yeah, he was building me back up because I'm gonna be his best wife. Like I he's never had anybody like me. You know, all the things that my wound needed to hear, I heard.

SPEAKER_02 37:44

And I would say this, um, and this is for women out there. Like, if you're trying to be enough for a man or for anybody, you're never gonna be that. You have to be enough for yourself. Okay, and they have to be enough for themselves, you know, and they have to have confidence within themselves too. So, in saying that, so when did the infidelity start after you guys got married?

SPEAKER_04 38:16

So the blatant infidelity happened before.

SPEAKER_02 38:21

Oh.

SPEAKER_04 38:22

That was, you know, the I he came, he told me what happened, I forgave him.

SPEAKER_02 38:27

Outside of his wife that he was married to, though. There was somebody else. That's what I'm saying. So it was so it was his wife, you, and then somebody else.

SPEAKER_04 38:36

At the time that it happened, he was still legally married, there was me, and then this other person, yeah. It was the one night stand. I wasn't there, but it was a one-night stand.

SPEAKER_02 38:46

And how did you find out?

SPEAKER_04 38:47

He told me.

SPEAKER_02 38:48

What made him tell you?

SPEAKER_04 38:50

He was like, I just want to go into this relationship and be honest. And and he had, you know, me telling him, you can be honest with me, let me choose, you know, don't break the trust. What I realized was in my first marriage, I stayed through the infidelity. The issue was the lies. And so at that point, I was thinking, well, do I have an issue with the infidelity, or do I have an issue with how we get there? You telling me a lie. You telling me you're somewhere and you're not, I think you think I'm stupid. That makes me more. I don't care what you did after you got there. I don't care what you did after you got there. It's the fact that you told me I'm doing this and you and you think I'm stupid at this time, like you know, those were the things. So I go into this marriage, just be honest with me. Just don't lie to me. Give me an opt, don't take my choices from me. You know, let me decide if this is something I can tolerate, not tolerate, and gonna deal with it. So when he came and told me, my thought then was I can trust this man. No, well, I I thought God was testing me to see if I could forgive him and not do tit for tat. That's what I thought. Because remember, that's my biggest regret from the first relationship. If I had just walked away and never got him back, maybe my I wouldn't have had so much guilt, you know. So this is what I'm thinking at the time. I'm not even 30, maybe just turning 30.

SPEAKER_06 40:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 40:04

So I forgave. And yeah, shortly after we got married, he just, you know, um, just some things, you know. I I I don't want to tell his story, I can only tell mine, but just, you know, things happened that I felt like I could never get past. And we just, you know, I couldn't, I couldn't handle it. And and I think, and and the thing was he was being who he was healing too. Like he had his own trauma. So there's no judgment. It's just we were two broken people trying to make it work.

SPEAKER_02 40:37

Yeah, and I can't say that a person's actually healing if they're continuing to do the same thing.

SPEAKER_04 40:45

I don't think either one of us were healing at that point. We were just, we were definitely just bandages for each other. Originally we were just bandages.

SPEAKER_02 40:53

And so after 15 years, uh, what was the straw that broke the camel's back for you?

SPEAKER_04 40:59

About nine, about six, somewhere between six and nine years, I knew I wasn't happy. And um So when I met you, I knew I wasn't happy.

SPEAKER_02 41:13

And that bring and so I want to stop right there because we have a lot of people um that are content creators on social media with their spouses and their significant others, and they put on this face, this facade that they're so happy and you know everything is great. And I'm thinking, like, damn, I want to see some real shit. I want to see the real, real behind the scenes.

SPEAKER_04 41:40

Nobody knew I wasn't happy. Not my best friend from my childhood. I mean, eventually she knew. But early on, I mean now I say this, I would go to our pastors when things would come up, and I would say, hey, this is this is how I feel, this is this, and it's so, but as far as peers or my family, you got the you got the you got the polished, you know.

SPEAKER_02 42:02

And why do you think that was for you? Was it shame? Some guilt guilt of okay, I'm looking at another failed marriage.

SPEAKER_04 42:12

No, for me, I felt like my mom used to have this saying, you made your bed now lie in it. And I never forgave me for the fact that I knew he was married. This was outside of him. Anything he had ever done. The reality was I felt like everything that happened, I was being punished because I I went into this situation knowing. And even though, you know, I don't, I don't, I've never spoken to her, but at the end of the day, I felt like I was just being punished for that. So every anything that happened, rather just a disagreement, and you know, I whatever it was, I always felt like I was being punished. And then my parents passed away very early on in the marriage. So they were like my my rock. So now I have two more children, and then we eventually three. So I'm a mother of six. I don't have my parents.

SPEAKER_05 42:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 42:59

Leaving wasn't the the oh well, I'm just pack up and go. It wasn't the thought, you know. And so I realized that about year six, I wasn't happy. By year nine, I was ready to tell him I wasn't happy, and that was the hardest thing for me to do because here it is, this man that I love, my best friend, um my partner in crime. Like, this is him, like this is him. He's now taking over this role of my like he is my everything.

SPEAKER_02 43:28

Yeah, because I would see you guys on social media. How do I tell I would see you guys lived a very lavish life? Um, and I met to those of you who don't know, I met her through my job. I work in sales and um I came to their home. Beautiful house, mansion. Okay, what about ten thousand square feet?

SPEAKER_04 43:50

It was eleven eleven thousand. That was almost there. Three acres. It was a bad house.

SPEAKER_02 43:55

Beautiful, beautiful home. And you guys look like the perfect family. And even on social media, and that's what I was saying. And do you think that comes back to bite people at the end? Because I've seen um other creators. I I I don't even remember who it was um recently um that just broke up. And everybody was shocked because they're content creators, they have millions of followers, and people were like, he cheated, right? So and she left, she didn't stay. So some women stay, some women can't what women can't take that. And I want to know, like 10 million dollars, and I don't know how long he played in the NFL if he got a bigger contract after he after that. So money didn't matter to you because a lot of women today would stay in that situation, they're like, like, fuck it, I'm not giving up my lifestyle. You know what I'm saying? So, do you have any regrets?

SPEAKER_04 45:02

I always said that money can't buy me, and that goes back to how I was raised. I never was broke hungry as far as I knew. I never had any, so money wasn't enough to keep me. Um, and because I had had that experience in the first relationship, you know, and I left while he was still playing. I didn't wait till the contract was over and we got all the money, like I didn't care about the money.

SPEAKER_02 45:23

Yeah. Um peace of mind, I think, is more important to you.

SPEAKER_04 45:27

I was just, yes. And then in the second relationship, um he I when we got first got together, we went through some some financial hurdles, you know, where we didn't have, so I've I've had all and then I've had ramen noodles. Um and I had ramen noodles with him, and I told him one day, I said, I don't care how much you have. We could be together in a cardboard box as long as we're together. And I meant that. And so I didn't care about that. So as he came up, you know, and to this day, I think that is why he's always made it a point to look after me because money was never, never a concern for me.

SPEAKER_02 46:06

Now, in your second marriage, um, did he like did you have any we earlier I asked you about um friends. So was that ever an issue in your second marriage?

SPEAKER_04 46:24

So Honestly, I know, I know. During the marriage, absolutely not. I d I I don't know of anybody that um tried me, you know, disrespected me. Um we actually, like I said, had a very open line of communication. Um so in the marriage, I don't know of anyone that that would go behind my back or you know well after the marriage. So I can't speak on a whole lot, but I can say that there was, you know, somebody who but they were he introduced me to this person, they were his friend, and that was the first person he dated after. So I don't know, you know, that was that was a challenge for me. That was a challenge.

SPEAKER_02 47:04

So my husband, we've been married for 35 years. He's not allowed to have female friends, and for that same reason, because I don't know if that's your friend or not. You know what I'm saying? So me personally, and some people are gonna give me some flack for this, but I have guy friends, right? But when I walk around the house on my phone, I'm on speaker 90% of the time, so you can hear my conversation, and it's mostly about business, or if I'm speaking to a co-worker from work, and we're talking shit about some other people on the job or whatever's going on in the company, but it's never like um let me come out and go out with you for drinks or anything.

SPEAKER_04 47:51

I don't know what that dynamic was. Um, I don't know what that dynamic was. It was a challenge for me just because you know I knew the person and smiling in your face, you know. And and but I so for me, I'm just not I'm not really a jealous person. So it wasn't I was jealous, it was her. I think it was just the fact that it happened so quick. Like, I felt like you, you know, take the time to heal, you know. But I can't control what you do. So I I realized that I couldn't. But the jab was you you can't go from 15 years all of a sudden now you're happy, and this is the love of your life.

SPEAKER_02 48:23

Yeah, but I don't think it's about jealousy at the end of the day, because if my husband and I were to break up and he started dating someone that we both knew and were friends with, I would automatically, it's not even about me being freaking jealous.

SPEAKER_04 48:39

Well, she says we were never friends, she just made me.

SPEAKER_02 48:41

Of course she's gonna say that shit now. Of course that's what she's gonna say.

SPEAKER_04 48:46

Well, hey, I'm just saying, she said that and she didn't owe me anything. See, that's the thing. I she didn't owe me anything.

SPEAKER_02 48:51

She was she didn't owe me anything if you maybe she did, but he did because out of respect, I can't just say once we it was over.

SPEAKER_04 48:59

He could talk to whoever he wanted to talk to.

SPEAKER_02 49:01

I just think it's a level of respect. Um, I have a cousin right now who her cousin is talking to her ex.

SPEAKER_04 49:11

You know, and this is free to do that. And I and and you know, I that I think he that was his choice.

SPEAKER_02 49:19

That was who he, you know, he is that who he's dating now? No.

SPEAKER_04 49:23

No, okay, and and who he's dating now, I don't know her personally, but I met her and I absolutely adore her. I told him, I don't care who it is, just long the first one and the new girl, like she, you know, she's great with my kids, the kids love her. So I have you know, once yeah, it was just that was more of a a principle.

SPEAKER_02 49:41

So after you checked out of that marriage, right?

SPEAKER_04 49:44

Now I want to go back to that because when I tell the story, I often try to tell these stories. My both of my ex-husbands were my greatest teachers. And when I got to the point that I realized I wasn't happy, I started a healing journey because I'm when I got mad, I got mad, and so the the leak back came again in the second time. It took me longer, it took me longer, but the leak back came, and so um because I'm tired of hurting and I want you to feel what I feel, and maybe that'll make you stop if you realize how much I put up with, how much I dealt with, like you'll understand this hurts. Like I I can carry a lot, but I can't carry with so much, and you know, the trust was gone, the respect was gone, and so I did a lot of things to help you see what I'm going through, which is not the approach that I would tell everybody do what you gotta do. And so I did what I I needed to do at the time until I realized this isn't who I am, and that started my healing journey.

SPEAKER_02 50:42

Gotcha. Now, I have to ask this and was the lick back someone he knew or someone he didn't know? Because I think it hurts a little bit more if it's someone they know.

SPEAKER_04 50:54

Um the first lick back was someone he knew. The second lick back, but then I'm saying the second marriage was um he it he was a friend from before we got married, so he knew of him, but we didn't talk for all these years, and then all of a sudden the dude disappeared.

SPEAKER_02 51:09

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_04 51:10

Oh that was one, yeah, that was one another one. Somebody just yeah.

SPEAKER_02 51:16

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 51:18

You got me telling all my business, but you know, and I tell it though, and I always say I'm an open book because I'm not the only one. If if if if if I'm not ashamed of my story and who I am, then I don't want anybody else to be going through or thinking they're going through something alone, going through something by themselves, and nobody else has ever done it. Hey, we are all on this earth evolving, learning who we are, figuring things out, making our own mistakes, and um learning from it, hopefully coming out better. So I've always said I'm an open book.

SPEAKER_02 51:47

And so did you think faith made you stay a little bit longer in your marriage? And I'm gonna say in maybe in both marriages.

SPEAKER_04 51:56

Growing up with and I I say this now just with the way I teach, I think that the Christian religion has a lot of um patriarchal narcissistic beliefs, and it teaches us to it teaches women to deal with, to to swallow, to you know, pretend, sweep under the rug a lot of things that should not be, you know. But it where I say when the healing journey started, I had to check me and realize I didn't know my worth. I didn't know, I didn't love myself. My self-respect wasn't where it needed to be. Because had all of those three things been in place, we would have a whole different conversation. Relationships wouldn't have lasted as long, maybe they would have never happened, but they needed to happen for me to because what we did was we triggered each other. I triggered his traumas that he needed to heal, and he triggered mine. And so once I saw them, he was just a mirror. He was my greatest teacher. And once I saw my issues, he was just reflecting what I was doing to my inner child. I wasn't being honest to who I really was, I wasn't giving myself the voice that I deserved. I was I was doing those things to me. I was lying to me. So once we once I realized that and I started to heal, I understood. Okay, and now the challenge then was how do I walk away without guilt? How do I choose myself without guilt at the same time loving him almost as much like I loved him as if I was his mother? I felt responsible for his emotions. I still I felt responsible for his his healing, I felt responsible for his well-being. So how do I make this decision? And I think that was the biggest lesson for me was learning to love me enough to say, I can love you, but I can love me more. And I don't have to explain that to anybody.

SPEAKER_02 53:41

Yeah. And so did you ever meet or encounter any of the women that he cheated with? Like, so I don't like to he No, so you never had that.

SPEAKER_04 53:55

No, no, I'm not gonna say that. I would say the trust was broken, but it was I don't I don't know how to explain it, but um it just may have been once the trust was broken before we got married. I because once it's gone, it's gone. Yeah, you can't bring it back. So, you know, just I'm not a conversation.

SPEAKER_02 54:15

You know, thing with counseling, you can get it back. You could have gotten it back. Did you guys even try counseling? Um And I'm not talking about church counseling, no, so no.

SPEAKER_04 54:25

By the time so he he realized there came a point to where he realized I've heard you, and he knew that I couldn't get past it. And so he wanted to go to counseling then, but at that point, I'm for what? You want to go, you know, you know, the net rolls. Um, and so uh I believe he began to make some changes, and I just couldn't get past it. So I carried a lot of unforgiveness, a lot of rage. I I couldn't get past some of the earlier events, and um yeah, that was that it was hard for me to do.

SPEAKER_02 54:55

And did you ever ask why were you never enough, or did that just didn't even matter at that time?

SPEAKER_04 55:00

Because those aren't the reasons. The reasons are you have your own unhealed traumas, and that's what will make you do those things. I don't have anything to do with nobody can make you do anything.

SPEAKER_02 55:08

True. That's yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 55:10

So how I respond to what's done to me is my own choice. That's what I have to be accountable for. And so for him, he was dealing with some his own traumas, and that's just how it showed up. And you know, maybe not valuing me the way I wanted him to, maybe not, you know, honoring me the way I wanted him to. And it and and I don't want to say it things simple as I felt like this is what I always tell him, you're gonna do what you want to do, no matter what I say, no matter how I feel about it. So after the first infidelity, anytime something happened like that, it doesn't have to be infidelity, it could be, I think he may come and ask me, you know, do you want to paint the wall blue? This is just an example. And I can say, Oh, I like purple. It's gonna end up being blue, because that's what he wanted in the first place. Somehow, way or shape or form. And that's just what I would say. You're gonna be able to do that.

SPEAKER_02 55:57

You always compromise to whatever it is he wanted.

SPEAKER_04 56:00

And don't he cater to me, so that was so hard to explain. You saw my life, you saw how I lived, you know, I had all of those things, but when I felt like my voice wasn't being heard, it it didn't matter about all the things.

SPEAKER_02 56:14

And were you the one that got him to that level of success?

SPEAKER_04 56:21

I supported him a lot.

SPEAKER_02 56:23

Financially or emotionally?

SPEAKER_04 56:26

Both in early on. That was a lot of um yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:31

A lot of what? Support. And do you feel some type of way when you and I have to ask this because people are gonna say, well, you know, I think we see that a lot today, too. Like the a lot of men, and I'm not saying that he's one of them, but they look for women who are established, well put together, for financial support to help them get ahead, get their business ahead. And then at the end of the day, the divorce happens.

SPEAKER_04 57:06

Now, honestly, I believe in his heart of hearts, we were gonna be together forever.

SPEAKER_02 57:10

Gotcha. Y'all are gonna be this powerful.

SPEAKER_04 57:12

So he there was no ill intent on his end to build up, and now I'm here, and you know, if if if I could have overlooked or no, if I could have healed in the marriage, we would still be together today.

SPEAKER_06 57:22

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 57:23

If I could have healed in the marriage, he he had no, he loved me. I mean, I as you know, as far as I know, he had no desire to be away from me or anything like that. That wasn't the intent. I had to walk away because I wasn't happy.

SPEAKER_02 57:38

So do you think men can love and still cheat? Why?

SPEAKER_04 57:47

Because when we talk about love, um, it comes with so many different um definitions. So, for example, let's just say I have six children, I love all my children. So I can go spend time with one and go spend time with another, doesn't mean I love one any more or less. So, yes, you can love somebody and still spend time and even have feelings for someone else. So I don't think that love is what makes you faithful or not. You know, I think that your ability to make the choice to be honest, loyal, committed, devoted, respectful, those things are what makes you commit to a person.

SPEAKER_02 58:26

So it's not the intimacy or the sex.

SPEAKER_04 58:30

Would sex make somebody be faithful? No, never.

SPEAKER_02 58:33

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 58:33

You can't yeah, sex ain't gonna make nobody be faithful.

SPEAKER_02 58:39

Because, I mean And do you think all men cheat? I can't. In this day and no, I'm I'm I'm talking about in this day and age what we see on social media, um, like it's it's a lot going on.

SPEAKER_04 58:54

So again, what do we think that you mean? You sleeping with so let's say this. Let's just say you ask your spouse, please don't, I don't want you talking to this woman. And he still talks to her. They ain't never had sex. Is that considered cheating?

SPEAKER_02 59:07

It depends on what the conversation is about for me.

SPEAKER_04 59:09

Or even if they've had intimate conversations, oh, I would do this to you, or I would do everything that it's so some people may say that so some people may say that's not cheating. They may say, well, that's not cheating. I didn't do the I didn't, you know. So does every man cheat at some point in their life? Have they? I'm gonna say 99%. I can't I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 59:28

Do you think people in general cheat? Because I not cheat, not people in general. What I mean is, do you think well, I believe women are more faithful when it comes to relationships, but I do know that women cheat just as much as men. Two things can be this can be true at the same time.

SPEAKER_04 59:53

So everybody is different, everybody's processing every single one of us is a result of our trauma. And we get to choose how we heal through that. So some women may cheat on their spouse or partner first. Some women may never cheat, but if you cheat on me, okay, that's obviously what you want to feel. Some women may just walk away and not do it in that situation. Who knows? So everybody handles and responds differently to pain and triggers. So I don't know that I would say everybody does the same thing. I don't, I can't, you know, I just know how I responded, and I know the people that I was with, how they responded to their traumas and triggers.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:33

And the dating scene for you now. What is that like?

SPEAKER_04 1:00:39

So I took the time to heal. You know, when I uh people would say, Are you gonna leave all of this? It's nothing out here. I didn't leave for anything, anybody, other than I knew I wasn't happy and I knew I needed to heal. I wasn't even able to show up as a good wife to him anymore because I don't feel that. Like I gotta find how to be happy. It was nothing he could do. He could have bought me the next biggest house and the next 10 cars.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:02

And so did the sex stop? Did you stop having sex with him?

SPEAKER_04 1:01:07

Not to it wasn't as much, but no, it wasn't, it never, it never stopped.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:11

So did you like have to fake it? Again, because you know we can fake it now.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:18

Yeah, we can we can't. Um it it had gotten to the point, but I we would be I could communicate with him and say, hey, I feel like this, or today I'm not feeling like this, you know, I'm feeling like that. And so again, I had no doubt he loved me. He wanted to work through it with me. It got to what I couldn't do, and I that was why it was so hard for me to leave, is because I wanted him to know I'm not leaving you because I don't love you. I'm leaving because I need to learn to love me. I had proven that I loved him, I had proven to him, the world, my everybody. I love him. I love that man, dirty draws. Like, I love you. I didn't love me enough because if I had loved me enough, I wouldn't be feeling the way that I feel. And now that I know I need to you know my I got my own, you know, daddy issues. My dad and mom were there, they were married, all those things. But again, they worked a lot to give me the life I had. So there's some emotional needs that may not have been met that I gotta heal through. You know, I why would I even think it's okay to marry somebody else's husband at this time? So because I have my own issues that I'm so once I realized I needed to heal, um, like I said, I had to make the the hard choice to choose me.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:29

And how did that affect your children though?

SPEAKER_04 1:02:32

It was tough because we have a very open relationship with our kids, and so you know, I never wanted them to feel like their dad was bad. And he didn't want them to feel like you know, your mom is bad. We just need to move in a different direction. And that was challenging for them because you know they want to whether somebody somebody, you know, we told them we both had been um unfaithful at some point in time, you know, and their thing was, well, it had been a long time ago. Yeah, they didn't understand but the consequences, and so we just explained to them, you know, in order for us to be who we need to be for you, we need to, you know, part ways. And so it took them a little while, and eventually, I think they love it now.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:13

Yeah, but did they want to hear all of that? You think they wanted to know all of that?

SPEAKER_04 1:03:19

Okay, and and I feel like children are innocent by service, so you there we didn't talk about well, you slept with this person. We didn't go into but cheat is a word that they could understand, they whatever that looks like, you know. Um, and they knew that their dad was really trying really hard for me to love him and be in love with him, and so you know, they needed to understand both sides, and um, yeah, they were old enough to to to process that. Okay, and the dating scene now. How was that? So I was saying I took the time to heal. I took uh the first year I promised my children I wouldn't introduce them to anybody, it didn't mean I won't go to lunch or something with somebody or for me if they want to take me, but I would never bring anybody around you. And they, you know, they wanted a year for a year. I did longer than a year, and then I realized that um I went on a couple, you know, lunches and things, and and how was that? I realized I ain't ready.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:14

What made you what made you realize that? Like, what was the conversation like?

SPEAKER_04 1:04:18

Whatever. The fact that I'm sitting here talking to you about my favorite color is stupid. I'm 47 years old. I don't like and not to say that those aren't important conversations, I just wasn't ready for that. I don't, you know, I and and my thing was I don't want to cope again. I know what that looks like because I just did it from 15 years. I will not be in a relationship until I know for sure that I'm where I need to be and healed. There's not a final destination. Yes. I am healing, but I need to heal to a point to where I'm so secure in who I am. I love me beyond a shadow of a doubt that if you show me anything hot pink, I'm walking out the door. And that's the point that I need to be at. And not to say that, you know, people don't have flaws and that I'm perfect. I don't have, I'm not all together. I'm moody, I'm spoiled, all those things. Um, but until I know that I'm at that point, and yeah, it's just, you know, and I've tried, I I've had some conversations, uh, you know, and I thought, oh, I like this guy, and then you know, I see a red flag and I'm out. Like it's not even a we're not gonna talk about it.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:19

We're not gonna So are you would you date a man that has less than you at this big age here?

SPEAKER_04 1:05:26

Oh, that's that's a good one. That's a good one. Um we were we were I'm talking I'm thinking about it. I don't know. I'm not saying I will. That's something that I have to think about. I feel like he needs to be financially secure.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:39

And what does that look like? Because let's just say what he may find secure, let's just say he's making fifty thousand dollars a year. And he's secure, he's kind, he's s he's sweet, he's intentional, he may treat you like a queen, he doesn't cheat. He makes you feel um like there's nobody else in the world.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:08

So at this big age, I would put him in debt. And I don't I wouldn't want to do that to anybody. I got six children and three grandbabies. Feeding us one night and you making fifty K is a lot. That's a lot.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:20

So you're not in the space now where you want to build him up. Right. You want somebody that's already secure financially, um, has his own house or are you gonna would you think somebody that lives in an apartment?

SPEAKER_04 1:06:37

If he kept his apartment.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:39

What do you mean by if he kept it?

SPEAKER_04 1:06:41

You know, I'm not opposed to, you know, you stay over there and come over here when I yeah, but I'm just saying he's not a homeowner.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:50

And he's he he's renting an apartment. Um, he has a good job, or he he has his own business.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:59

So it those, but every all of those situations have to be looked at to me. I can't just say that because let's say you you could be, we played in the league and had a condo. Because it just made sense for us to have a condo while we in this part of you know, in this city, like right now, we only gonna be here for how long. So, you know, those I I would need to know the backdrop. And you if you're making a lot of money, you don't have any children, and you're taking that money and you got this amount in the bank, I don't care where you, it makes sense for you to live in a conduct.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:28

And what do you think about these women now that get um allowances from these men? Because a lot of women like Portia Williams, you know, they're getting allowances 30k a month.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:42

I love it.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:45

Yeah. I love it. I and the reason why I say that is because what it shows for me in that situation is I'm not trying to control you. Because now what you how is that? I don't know the really I don't know her story and I haven't heard.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:02

I just used her as an example because there's there are much more women that I've heard on social media, on reality TV shows, who men are taking care of them and they're giving them a check a month.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:16

And I look at that as um old school would be pimping, but uh I'm just like that's not I think my take is because one, I don't want to have to come to you for everything I need if I need it. You know, if we're in the house and you're the breadwinner, I shouldn't have to come to you. I need to go to the grocery store. I want to go, that's controlling. You give me, hey, babe, you got this amount, do whatever you want to do with it, and he took you taking care of the home, you take care of all of this, and you want to give me, you know, however much a month, whatever you decide, or whatever we agree on, and you're not asking me about what I'm doing with it, and I don't have to do nothing with my money, you know. You still paying for dinner, you still keeping the the bills paid, the pantry stock.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:59

Yeah, yeah, but what if he's not a nice person though?

SPEAKER_04 1:09:02

Oh, but but you didn't say that.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:03

You did I'm gonna I'm I'm adding the layers to it.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:06

A nice person and now you can give me money or not give me money. If you're not nice, then I don't need to be there.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:11

Well, some women are gonna take the money and put up with all the bullshit too.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:14

But yeah, I'm I I haven't proven that I'm that woman.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:17

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:18

I mean, usually if I have a guy who's honest and and loves himself enough, you know, to make these choices for himself, not based off of me, because you know, I'm never gonna be enough to keep you. You need to be making these decisions because this is where you are in life. That I don't want to spread my energy around, you know, here or there. And you decide you want to give me some money every month.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:41

Well, and my final question before we go to our truth bomb. So, what if a guy wants to take you on a first date to churches?

SPEAKER_04 1:09:51

Are you going for those honey glaze biscuits? If if that if he knew that I loved him and that's where he wanted to take me because he knew that's something I love, I think that would be sweet. As long as you could also take me wherever I want to go, if I want to go somewhere else.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:07

I'm a polished hood chick. I'm from Atlanta. You took me to Wobble House on the first date, and you might have, you know, that might be like that's another question.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:14

Are you having sex on the first date?

SPEAKER_04 1:10:18

But that I could never, I don't work like that. My body doesn't work like that.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:22

Even if you connect, y'all have this connection.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:25

I don't know, you know. And I'm nice, nasty, so I need to know what your nails look like. I gotta know what your bathroom looks like. So it's not that much connection on the first date, nowhere.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:34

Because I remember people say, like, I'm in my 50s, and you know, if I meet a guy and we hit it off and we decide to have sex, we have sex. So I don't have that. That's the era we're living in.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:47

Yeah, I I I am a different being, like, I understand my worth, I understand my aura, I understand how powerful I am, I understand how powerful I so I can't, I I will have um stalkers.

unknown 1:11:04

I can't do this.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:05

Oh, you be putting it down like that, okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:07

And I'm just it's an energy thing, like you can come in my presence and feel how powerful I am. So I could not go there, I couldn't open up that portal of me to somebody that I just met on the first day. I can't.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:19

So you do you feel like women who do that are less than all those things that you just I'm not judgmental, it's whatever they decide.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:26

Some women may think that that is is okay, and if they think it's okay, it is. Because I don't have a head, I don't, I don't judge.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:33

Because they may say, hey, Rashida, you're old fashioned.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:38

Because we all have to get to the point where we do what we that was a part of the self-love in in in choosing yourself without guilt is knowing who you are, knowing what makes you feel good, and then pursuing that. And if that's what makes you happy and makes you feel good, do that. And if you change your mind, you're entitled to do that at any point in time.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:57

So we're moving into our final segment, which is the truth bomb segment. Okay, so I'm gonna ask you some questions, okay, and I just want you to spit the truth out.

SPEAKER_05 1:12:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:11

Okay. All right. Biggest lie women tell themselves.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:20

They aren't enough.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:22

Okay. And biggest lie men tell themselves.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:26

I'm him.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:28

Explain that.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:31

Just thinking that, you know, showing up financially may be enough, or showing up, you know, certain ways may be enough. It takes a lot more than money.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:40

And do you feel like women get a real bad rep for aging versus men that age?

SPEAKER_04 1:12:55

I don't think I I don't a bad rep for aging?

SPEAKER_02 1:12:58

Yeah, like what I mean by that is as we age, right, we become older, we see a lot of men, they don't want to date women in their age category. They want to date younger, they'll date someone in their 20s, right? Because they feel, and I had the same conversation with my um Vietnamese nail tech, and she was telling me the same thing that in her culture, they don't want the older women, they want to date the younger women because they have control, they have money, they have access, and they don't want to put up with the older women's attitude. So that's why I'm asking, do you think that men get more grace when it comes to aging than women do?

SPEAKER_04 1:13:53

The truth is I can't speak for everybody because I got all I got 30 year olds trying to talk to me and I got 60 year olds trying to talk to me. So I don't, I can't, I don't have the that's not mine.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:01

Okay, and that's fair. Yeah. Okay. And can successful women date average men? Well, we just had that conversation, basically. Yeah, um, if it's a choice, it's a choice, preference. And do you feel like social media ruins relationships?

SPEAKER_04 1:14:18

No.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:19

You think it's already something's already poor choice or relationships. Because that's just like when you think about um reality TV and people say reality TV ruined marriages. I believe that the marriage already had issues before they even got on TV, right? And people get on TV and they pretend at first, and then they wind up being on reality TV for years, and then the truth finally comes out at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:48

So I mean, I think those marriages are no look at mine. You know, I just wasn't on TV. I went on the TV show. Of course, but in my community, everybody thought we had the greatest. So I don't think the the TV show did it, you know. Well that's my point.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:00

So but y that's why I'm asking, do you think that yeah, I don't think the TV show does it? No, reality, you know, TV or social media um ruin relationships. No, it just showed it. Okay. And will you ever get married again?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:19

In the the absolute right scenario.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:22

And what would the right scenario be?

SPEAKER_04 1:15:24

It's gonna have to be someone who is um has processed their traumas. Um, not saying healed because there is no there's no final destination, but processed um whatever traumas, whatever their childhood traumas are. Um, someone who is self-aware, who's spiritually um in tune with themselves, and um yeah, they need to be financially good with money. I love money, I have a great relationship with money. You know, I'm a wealth coach, so I I have no problems with money. They need to have that same openness and dialogue with their money too. And so I think in that situation, and then there's a a bond, it's very possible.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:04

And are you open to dating women?

SPEAKER_04 1:16:07

Um, let me tell you, this is the truth bond, right? So I have had experiences with women, and I thought at one point in time, you know, that that was something that I was open to.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:18

Um what's the experience?

SPEAKER_04 1:16:22

I don't think I am. I mean, I've had I've I've talked to women. I've talked to uh you know to to females and nothing sexually. Uh I've been with women.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:30

I've been with women, yeah. Um I need you to say that with your chest out and experiences, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:38

I mean, but that's vague. I am I am um very much like I'm at the phase in my life where I want somebody to you know pick me up, you know, and I I want to I'm in my soft girl era, and so I need to be in a space where I can be that with someone who can handle it, and I don't know that I can handle somebody else's soft girl era, and so that I I have to ask this.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:04

So being that you were a pastor, right? How does that coincide with having sex with a female as a pastor?

SPEAKER_04 1:17:18

I I was never I'm real, I ain't the only one. So it was an experience, it was an experience I had as a teen, you know, as a young adult. And so I've never, you know, I've never kept that from either either husband or anybody that I'm in a relationship with, you know, I've had those experiences um with women. Um, but I don't have I'm not judgmental. I've never been and I and I also you know see the flaws in the book. And so, you know, I know who it was written by, I know why it was written, I know what the purpose it is supposed to serve. And so that's not an issue for me.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:53

And what about your congregation? But you're not a pastor now, no, no, no, no. But back then.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:58

I was always we were always 100% honest with our our yeah with our congregation. Okay, and final question and we made sure they knew like we drink, we do whatever we want to do. So don't if we're not the pastors for you. We were always on, yeah, no, we didn't we didn't play those games.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:17

So it was okay to drink and all of that at the church. You want and and and I guess that's a loaded question because at the end of the day, when a pastor or people of the cloth, men and women of the cloth, they say come as you are. Do they truly mean that?

SPEAKER_04 1:18:39

No, not at all. And what does that mean? Come as you are. Come as you are. Um and everybody's different. You got all kinds of churches and all kinds of pastors and all kinds of, you have all, you know, some people can tolerate more than others. Um, so again, it's you go where you, you know, people normally go where they fit in. A lot of times the the the sheep reflect the the pastor, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:01

And my final question would be where are you when it comes to faith, religion? Um, I heard you say you don't belong to any church right now. So that's the final question. Like, where are you when it comes to that?

SPEAKER_04 1:19:17

I am in a place where I I am aware of my source consciousness. So I believe that there's one source. Some people say God, some people say neighbors, some people say I say me. And so um I know that I am all that was, is, and ever shall be. And so I have this one consciousness awareness that we are all one. And um whatever version of me, so there's a version of me that is still, you know, reflected in people that are going to a Christian church, a Buddhist church, a Muslim church. I think they were you're a reflection of me. You only exist because I can see you in my world. So um that's where I am now. Spiritually, that I just believe in one source consciousness, and we're all that.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:56

And what's your take on the ministry world today? You know, with pastors getting in politics, pastors um living this wealthy lifestyle, um, wanting to be a celebrity, wanting to be amongst the celebrity. How do you what's your take on that?

SPEAKER_04 1:20:19

I don't have a judgment about them. You know, I just have grown past that. I have grown past ministry, I've grown past, you know, the confounds of the Christian belief system, you know. So I've grown past that, I've experienced it. Will I say that I needed it at the time that I was in it? Absolutely. Um, I needed everything that I've ever gone through to get me to where I am now. So I don't have a take on it because I feel like everyone is exactly where they need to be.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:46

Is it a money thing?

SPEAKER_04 1:20:47

I can't for some people it is doing a podcast a money thing. Is it do we want to grow?

SPEAKER_02 1:20:53

I'm not making no money right now, but I eventually want to grow. Right.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:56

If you're okay with saying that, it's just acceptable in this in this space. So a pastor who who is giving their life or their time and their energy and they live a certain way, am I gonna knock them for that? No, it's what the energy behind it. If you came on here and lied to me and I said I want to be a sponsor, you said, Well, I'm gonna do this with your money and I'm not, I'm gonna be equally as upset with you as I would be in any other environment. So it's just about being honest, up front, transparent, but being true to who you truly are. And you know, when you're in truth, it's okay. I have a great relationship with money. I love money. Money loves me, baby. You know, and so it's okay. Money isn't the problem. You know, money doesn't is not a never been the problem.

SPEAKER_02 1:21:36

No, and like I stated before, I don't my new saying is money is not the route to all evil. It's not. I think people themselves are the route to evil. Or poor choices, I know, yeah. So, but yes, guys, so I just got through chopping it up with Rashida Young. And again, let the people know, Rashida, where they can find you on social media, um, and anything you have uh going on.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:06

Um, so you can find me on Instagram, I'm at Rashida.young, and that's R-A-S-H-I-G-A-H.young. I'm the same on TikTok, and yes, I am currently working on uh just building the the whole the whole community around women choosing themselves without guilt. And so a lot of my platforms everywhere I go, that's what I'm talking about. My women's groups, my workshops, my my um masterclass all about choosing yourself without guilt. And um we address uh unaddressed issues, unaddressed childhood traumas, we address uh hearing your own intuition and forgiving yourself. A lot of times, you know, we we just aren't healed to a place to where we understand it's okay to be true to who you truly are.

SPEAKER_05 1:22:46

Yes, it is.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:47

And so we've we learned to live our most authentic lives together, and so that's what I'm here for. I'm all about that's why I'm gonna open the book.

SPEAKER_01 1:22:54

Absolutely, and any advice you can give to those who are in a relationship, in a marriage, rather to me experiencing um infidelity in their relationship hurt loving themselves.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:13

Self-love is everything. I mean, I think that once you learn something yourself. Everything else around you want to be here is so where you're saying.

SPEAKER_00 1:23:36

Well, thank you guys for watching. And we'll be back next week. Same time, different topics.