#16 - Hollie - Raising a Child When You Work Nights, Weekends and Opposite Schedules

What happens when both parents work when everyone else is at home?

In this episode of Raising with the Village, I’m joined by Hollie to talk about the reality of raising a child while working nights, weekends, and opposite shifts in the hospitality industry.

When your family life runs against the rhythm of society, parenting can look very different. Nursery pick-ups, mealtimes, weekends, holidays, even time with your partner — everything takes more planning, more sacrifice, and often comes with a level of loneliness that many people don’t see.

Hollie shares what it’s like to parent as a couple when you’re often simply passing each other, how their relationship has adapted, how they protect connection as partners, and the silent exhaustion that can come with feeling like a solo parent, even within a two-parent household.

This is an honest and important conversation about invisible labour, shift work, modern family life, and a side of parenting we don’t talk about nearly enough.

In This Episode We Cover

•  Parenting while working nights, weekends and irregular hours 
•  What it means to raise a child on opposite shifts 
•  The hidden loneliness of parenting in hospitality 
•  Feeling like a solo parent while co-parenting 
•  Protecting your relationship when you barely see each other 
•  The emotional and practical realities of shift work family life 
•  Why non-traditional working families deserve more visibility 

Why This Episode Matters

This episode shines a light on a reality many families live, but few talk about openly.

Whether you work in hospitality, healthcare, emergency services, retail, aviation, or any job involving shift work, this conversation may feel deeply familiar.

And if you don’t — this episode offers an important window into a version of parenting many people don’t often see.

Mentioned in This Episode

•  Life as a hospitality family 
•  Parenting on opposite schedules 
•  Relationship resilience after becoming parents 
•  The invisible mental load of non-traditional family life 

Connect with Raising with the Village

🌿 Website: https://raisingwith.co.uk

📷 Instagram: https://instagram.com/raisingwiththevillage

🎧 Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/

🎧 Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/

If this episode resonated with you, please follow, subscribe, and share it with someone who might need to hear it.

💛 Raising with the Village

This podcast is about real parents sharing real stories — because no one should feel alone in parenthood.
 New episodes every Thursday!

🌐 Website: https://raisingwith.co.uk/
📸 Instagram: @raisingwiththevillage
🎧 Listen on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, and all major platforms.

If you’d like to share your own story — about birth, parenting, or family life — get in touch via the website or Instagram DMs.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Hi, I'm Maeva and this is Raising with the Village, a podcast where real parents share real stories so we can all feel a little bit more connected on this wild journey of raising children. Today's episode is one that I think so many parents will feel, even if they're not living it in exactly the same way. We're talking about what happens when your life doesn't fit into society's quote-unquote normal rhythm, when your work hours don't align with nursery drop-offs, bedtime routines, weekends, or even time as a couple. Holly and her partner both work in hospitality. An industry that quite literally runs opposite to family life. Evenings, late weekends, late nights, the very moments that are supposed to be family time are often the ones that they're working. So what does parenting look like when you're constantly passing each other? When your relationship can start to feel more like co-managing a household than actually being together. And when, from the outside, it can look like you're doing it all. But inside, it feels isolating, exhausting, and at times just frankly quite lonely. In this conversation, Holly opens up so honestly about the reality behind it all. The juggle, the emotional load, the quiet sacrifices, and the kind of exhaustion that isn't always visible nor understood. This is a really important one because it shines a light on a version of parenting that we don't talk about enough. So here's Holly's story. Hi, how are you?

SPEAKER_01 2:01

Um good, thanks.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

How are you?

SPEAKER_00 2:03

I'm very good, thank you. Alright, shall we start? We shall with quick introductions. Who are you?

SPEAKER_02 2:10

Uh my name is Holly. Um that's a good start. Yeah, yeah, that's my name. I am Holly.

SPEAKER_00 2:18

I'm glad to know that. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:19

Anything else you want to know?

SPEAKER_00 2:21

No, well, I think we'll find out a lot more about you because today's conversation is gonna be slightly different. Um, because we're gonna be talking more about a lifestyle. Is that the right way to say it?

SPEAKER_02 2:33

Uh yes, you could say lifestyle. I think um it wasn't when I chose. When it was it no, it wasn't when I chose, really. But yes, a lifestyle, I suppose.

SPEAKER_00 2:42

Or at least what your life looks like. Yeah. Uh and probably other people's life, most likely. Yeah. Um, but we'll be diving into that. Okay. And shall we put maybe one word just to help listeners understand what we're going to talk about? What how would you describe your lifestyle with one word?

SPEAKER_02 3:01

Oh gosh. Uh one word. Life in general or motherhood?

SPEAKER_00 3:09

Oh. Which one too?

SPEAKER_02 3:11

My life is happy. My life is fantastic. Motherhood can be lonely, probably. Lonely I think is probably a word to describe what we will be discussing today. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

So we'll keep that in mind. Um, but yeah, today we'll be discussing your lifestyle because you're working in hospitality and so is your partner. Mm-hmm. And so we'll try and understand what it's like to be a parent when you're working in an environment that is sort of not in line with what society, the norm, in quotes, is for other families. Okay. So shall we start at the very, very, very, very beginning of the story? Um, because I've mentioned your partner. Um, and shall we start with a bit of a love story? Um it wasn't a love story. Then a not love story. Do you want to tell me?

SPEAKER_02 4:10

Was not romantic. Yes. So we met um at work, as uh, you know, a lot of people um tend to do these days. Uh we worked together in a restaurant in Soho in central London. Um, I was kind of on the beginning of my management journey, uh, as was Phil, actually. Well, you know, I kind of thought he was kind of attractive and and that was that. I wasn't really interested in much else. And here we are, ten years later. Ten years later, with a kid in a house and this lifestyle.

SPEAKER_00 4:51

Well, so let's say then um that it started with fun.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:59

And it turned into um proper family life?

SPEAKER_02 5:02

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Um, so we yeah, I mean, we kind of like I say, we met at work, we went out socially um with friends that we sort of surrounded ourselves with at work. I actually moved away. I moved to France. Um I actually told him that on our first date. I was like uh in three months' time I'm leaving the country and probably don't plan to come back.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Um where did you go to?

SPEAKER_02 5:28

France.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Oh, but but where?

SPEAKER_02 5:30

Oh sorry, uh on Tube. Sorry to go work on a yacht.

SPEAKER_00 5:33

Oh, okay, oh tough life.

SPEAKER_02 5:35

Yeah. It's hard, yeah, it is a tough life. So taking taking hospitality to, you know, this is the good thing with this industry, is you can do anything anywhere. But um the lifestyle still s stays the same, doesn't it? You know. Um so I went off and uh moved to France with the view of summers in the Med and winters in the Caribbean, and and that was that. Um, hence why the relationship never really kicked off, um, never really kind of got started, to be honest. And then whilst I was away, you know, we kept in touch and and we tried to make long distance work, and I actually ended up coming back for him. So I guess that's the romance in the in the story, is I left what was, you know, theoretically my dream job to come back for this guy. And um here we are, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:31

I'm loving that. So you come back to London, is that?

SPEAKER_02 6:35

We were in London, yes. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:38

What happens at this point? Do you move in together or or at least you become an official couple?

SPEAKER_02 6:43

Uh so the funny story is, is actually he he moved into my flat and started renting my flat that I was renting. So he was kind of subletting. Um and obviously when I came back, then I moved just back in. And and it all happened very quickly, very um uh early on in the relationship. I mean, at this point, it's probably like, you know, nine months, we were already living together. But it felt right and it felt natural and uh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:13

And and I I guess you know when something is right. You know?

SPEAKER_00 7:21

I love that. I love that. And I'm also gonna say a thing that he was being very clever, that was a man with a plan. He was like, Oh, let me live here.

SPEAKER_02 7:30

Uh no, that was my suggestion, actually.

SPEAKER_00 7:32

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

Um I was the one that suggested that um he was he was renting uh, you know, an unaffordable flat elsewhere in London, north London somewhere. Um and I said, well, look, you know, save yourself some money and you know, move move back into where I was and kind of do us both a favour, kind of thing. Uh but like I say, I had no intention of the relationship being serious. I may have come back at some point, but I never really saw it obviously turning into, you know, turning into what it is now.

SPEAKER_00 8:04

So And so let's move forward uh a little bit um when the relationship has become a bit more serious. At what point do you start talking about potentially having kids together?

SPEAKER_02 8:18

So I think early I've always wanted to settle down and have a family and you know, have a kid, get married. Before um being with him, I was in a long-term relationship for seven or so years um with someone who I thought, you know, in hindsight, first love, but you know, I kind of thought I wanted to settle down with that person. Um so that's always been on my radar to settle down, get married, have a kid, or have have a family. We'd moved we'd then moved into another property in North London um together. This so this was our first, you know, proper living arrangement rather than just kind of like, you know, saving each other some pennies in the rent. Um so we moved in together um in a really nice flight in Islington. And then we'd been there probably about a year or 18 months. Like our relationship was like really off to a good, sort of solid uh start. You know, this is I was like, this is this is, you know, a solid long-term relationship, and you know, with someone I love very much, and you know, with my best friend, and we were traveling together and we were doing all sorts of stuff and we were still working together, our careers were growing together. Then the pandemic hit. I think before the pandemic, I had sort of said a few times, I'd really like to think about getting married. Uh, is that on your cards? I'd really like to have a family. I think family was always on the cards. He's from a fairly big family, he's one of four. Um, but marriage was never really sort of like I think probably with most men these days, you know, marriage is never really a necessity. Whereas I think a lot of women still like the security of, you know, getting married and whatnot. But he said a couple of times, I don't feel quite ready yet. I was like, okay, I respect that. Um I have always had in the back of my head, I never wanted to raise a family in London. I never wanted to get married in London, never wanted to own property in London. Uh coming from the South Coast, I grew up on the beach, and for me, that was where I wanted to raise a family, and that was, you know, I wanted my kids to have the lifestyle I had growing up, you know. Sun, sea, and salt, air, you know. But I never really saw myself actually moving back home because career-wise, options are limited, very limited, salaries are very limited. So for my career, I obviously had to stay, I obviously had to stay in London. Yeah, so basically neither of us were ready. Then the pandemic hit, um, obviously the hospitality industry got wiped clean. Phil lost his job. Uh, I was put on foot furlough. Obviously, absolutely no certainty of where our industry was going or what was happening next. In my particular restaurant, we were not a restaurant that was allowed to stay open. Well, we chose not to stay open. We actually it was in Canary Wharf. And obviously, no one was in the offices in Canary Wharf, were they? They were all walking from home, working from home and you know, um, and and offices were completely shut down in that area. So business for us was non-existent. There were obviously other restaurants and other companies that managed to stay, managed to stay afloat and they were doing their you know delivery services or you know, outside dining or whatever it was they were doing. But for me personally, um that was a real struggle. Um, like I say, Phil lost his job during the pandemic. Um he was finding odd work in warehouses, stacking shelves. He did a couple of shifts in like a Chinese supermarket. He did, what else did he do? Delivery driver for maybe it was Amazon or something like that, for like a week or something. Literally any job that an agency could find him, he could he would do. Um, then eventually his brother-in-law um managed to take him on board as like a sort of he's he's basically a builder. Um, and he offered Phil more permanent work and more reliable work during during sort of the second half of the pandemic, um, which kept our you know income flowing. Um we had had the discussion during the pandemic, you know, we've got nothing else better to do if we just have a kid. And the reality was it was impossible, you know. We were, like I say, we were living in Islington in a fairly expensive area, in a fairly expensive flat with no jobs, you know, at the end of the day. And it was scary. It was a very scary time. And whilst we had nothing to do and other people were having families and start, you know, making babies and whatever, that was the last thing and probably one of the most irresponsible things we could have thought of. But we did start to have the discussion, you know, at that point I was 32, 33 possibly, quite aware of my body clock. And also I was quite acutely aware that my mum struggled to have me. It took her seven years, it took my mum and my dad seven years to have me. So with all of this in mind, I was like, we need to start at least action planning, you know, what our what our plans are. Um, and you know, when this whole sort of pandemic is over, what what's next for us? You know, where are we? Where's our relationship at? Where do we want to be? You know, literally, where do we want to live and where do we want to be in our relationship? So we did start to discuss it. We did towards the end of the pandemic start trying informally. I came off contraception. Ultimately, we chose having a kid over uh getting married and, you know, other sort of life commitments because I didn't if it was going to take us, say, seven years as well to have a kid, I didn't want to I wanted to get the ball rolling quickly or quicker. So towards the end of the pandemic, so 2020, we started trying, nothing was really happening. Um, I did start going to go and get some tests, sort of fairly informal tests, just to sort of see where I was at. And actually on one of the days that I was supposed to, you know, it was about a week before I was supposed to have a particular test, can't remember what test it was, um, I actually found out I was pregnant. And that was about a year later. So um it took about a year, but I think the reason that we didn't have any luck conceiving in the beginning was probably the stress of the pandemic. We were still in and out of work. Luckily, Phil managed to land um a really good job, which is where he's still at now. And I went back to my went back to my um job. I think that's kind of that kind of brings us to kind of where we are at now and how we spoke about having kids before before we get got pregnant, I suppose.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

Yeah. And so with um obviously the nature of your jobs, um, so the both of you working in hospitality, was that ever a concern? Is that ever a discussion you've had to think, what is that going to look like once we have a child, considering we are working different hours to what society expects. Deems normal, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:59

Um was it a conversation that we'd had? I think you know what? So I've I've actually been in this industry my whole life. My first job was, you know, probably waiting tables in a local cafe back home. Phil actually came to hospitality uh much later, especially London hospitality. I'd been in London probably about eight years before he'd uh before he came. I think when you work in this industry how can I say it? You just know what it's like, and everyone around you that also works in the industry just knows what it's like. And it's not that it's not discussed, you just get on with it, right? You know what you know the shit that you're gonna get thrown, you know, whether it's the workload, whether it's, you know, busy services, whether it's the unsociable hours or you know, the lack of support or whatever. I don't think it's really a conversation that we ever had. We just knew, I think, is probably the best way to describe it.

SPEAKER_00 17:08

So you just went in knowingly and you had some families around you that were working um in hospitality as well and had children and were making it work?

SPEAKER_02 17:19

No. Well, this is the thing. But this is what this is what you would think, right? When have you ever seen an old person working in a restaurant or in a bar in especially in London, right? It's very much a young person's industry, you know, a lot of um uh people from overseas, a lot of people from Europe who pass through on their way to the next destination, you know, or you know, people that are that are starting out the careers, or and this is another thing, like it is a career choice. I think in this industry, sorry, in this country, working in hospitality is very much frowned upon. The amount of times I've been sort of, you know, asked by family members, uh, so when you're gonna get a real job, or you know, you've got a degree, you know, you're gonna be wasting your degree by working in restaurants. Or I wish people actually would respect it, see the industry for the skill and for the dedication and for the passion that people put into it. I mean, everyone, you know, everyone knows that chefs are passionate and whatever, but it's the same for front of house staff as well, you know, like the passion that people bring to this industry, like it's what makes it like special. And I'm a firm believer that everyone should work in hospitality at one point in their life, regardless, you know, of their beliefs. I think I think it's a wonderful industry and I think it's fascinating. And some of the most incredible people I have met have been working in this role, you know, in this job. So anyway, yes, not in this industry. It is a young person's industry, and now I'm 38 uh next month. Now I see why. It is impossible. My body doesn't work like it used to, my stamina isn't what it used to be. Um, you know, when I was younger, I used to work until 11, 12 o'clock, three, you know, one o'clock in the morning, and then go out and party until, you know, the sun came up, and then get back into work for, you know, breakfast the next day or lunch the next day or whatever. And damn me, if I'm doing that these days, like it's impossible. It's physically impossible, whether I was a mother or not. Like I I like my bed now at 10 pm and that's fine. Thank you very much. So, no, there are, I mean, look, there are people in the industry that have kids, mostly men, dare I say, uh, because it's okay for men to have a career and have a family, you know, it's not quite the same for women to have a career and have a family, right? Especially when you're working in an operational industry like this. It is impossible to I mean, I did it for two years, the first two years of my son's life, simply because I couldn't get the job I wanted to get in HR. I went back to operations, not at a manager level because I couldn't, I simply did not have the capacity to do it. I went back for two years as a waiter in a restaurant, A, to pay the bills, and B to feel like I had a purpose and to keep the in like to keep it fresh, you know, so I didn't lose too much of what was happening and the changes and you know, the sort of stuff that goes on in this industry, which is very fast moving, obviously. You know, and there was there was a couple of us actually that I worked with who did have kids, young kids, um, doing the exact same thing that I was doing because it was the only option. A colleague of mine actually was a manager as well. I don't think she was quite as senior as me in her, you know, pre-baby life. Um, but still she was of managerial level, and she also decided she couldn't go back to being a manager for the exact same reason because you just you you can't do it all. So when it comes to sort of having role models in the industry, no, there are none. They're all men. The men generally tend to be in very senior positions, you know, um operations directors or general managers or something like that, generally command their own rotor or their own schedule. Um and ultimately leave the wife at home to look after the kids, assumably. I don't know, that may not be the case for everybody, but um it is a lot easier for men to have careers in this industry than women. Being a female manager in this industry um is a bit of a rarity. To also be British and be a female manager in this industry is even more of a rarity. It's yeah, it's no, there are no role models. There's no role models. There's no one that you can use as an example. It's not that we decided that we were going to have a kid because other people were doing it or because so and so made it look easy or whatever. We just had a family and and we had to do what we had to do and you you make it work, right?

SPEAKER_00 22:17

So can you help me get an idea about what your like a typical week would have looked like for you in those first two years of your son's life?

SPEAKER_02 22:28

So just to rewind a little bit, before um before I had I was assistant general manager, so that's number two in a restaurant uh hierarchy. Um I had a general manager above me who was, you know, oversaw the whole operation. I was his assistant, basically. So in terms of management, as a fairly senior role, very stressful, I actually got dumped in charge when my general manager left, and I just found out I was pregnant. So for the first three months of my pregnancy, I'd been dumped in charge of this restaurant. My stress levels were sky high. How I managed to even stay pregnant, I've got no idea, if I'm completely honest. Uh, but I stayed because I wanted the maternity, you know, pay and I wanted I needed it, I needed it really, because as we know, the hospitality is not a particularly well-paying industry. I didn't really have a choice. So that was pre-baby. I found myself pregnant, found myself being left in charge of a restaurant for um three months, and then I carried on the rest of my pregnancy working 48 hours a week. I worked up until I was eight months pregnant. I was studying at the same time, studying for my HR qualification. And I was working until two o'clock in the morning on my feet for 12 hours a day, which seemed perfectly normal, but also completely ridiculous at the same time. Then I had then I had my son. I had some I chose to go back after five months. Um, I remember a very good friend of mine who was the AGM of the restaurant, which I eventually ended up working at. Sorry, what's AGM? Assistant general manager, sorry. Thank you. She was assistant general manager of uh the restaurant that I eventually ended up working at. Um it was coming up to Christmas. She was sat on my sofa and she was like, I can't find any damn staff. There's no one around, everyone is incompetent. Um, you know, you think it's easy waiting tables. It's you know, it is a skill, but it's amazing how many people can't do it, can't do it. At the time I was like, Well, I'm losing my mind. I'd recently moved to, you know, where we are now from Islington, so central kind of fairly central London, all the way out here, didn't know anyone. We just bought a flat that was crumbling around me, and it was going into winter. I was miserable as sin, absolutely miserable as sin. I just remember sitting in this flat and and and the walls were just caving in, and cabin fever was hitting me hard. I had a four-month-old baby. He was four months old when we when we moved, had been in this flat staring at the this the crumbling ceilings for about a month, and I was like, I can't do this anymore. Um, I was quite literally losing my mind. And she said, I'm desperate to find staff, and I was like, Well, I think I could probably do it a job. You know, Phil was really struggling to support us with our new mortgage on his salary, which is a good salary, um, but suddenly you've got a child to pay for and a mortgage to pay for, and you know, one person sat on their ass, you know, on maternity leave, earning, you know,£170 a week or whatever it was, or a month, whatever I can't remember, even remember what it was now. I said, look, I'd happily help out temporarily. In my mind, I was going to be working there, you know, get them through Christmas, come into sort of January, February, and I'd, you know, I'd I'd eventually get this HR job that I so desperately wanted, which then ultimately took me two years to get. So during that two years, I carried on doing the job I was doing. So my work week would look like I did breakfast shifts like three times a no, hang on. First of all, I started off part-time. The kid was still really young, um, and I was still breastfeeding exclusively as well. So I think I was doing three days a week. He was only in nursery twice a week at that time. We didn't have any other support, I don't seem to remember, until a little bit later on. Um, so I was working three days a week, I was doing breakfast shifts. I think I did two breakfast shifts, which would also include lunch. So it's what your normal work day, I think I did eight till six, which is which is what your class is a breakfast shift. I was working eight till six two days a week, and then I think I was doing twelve till twelve on the third day. So I think I was probably doing about thirty hours in three days.

SPEAKER_00 27:10

I think it kind of equates to So on a week like that, when you're out all day for two days, and mm half of the day, half of the night on your third day, who's looking after your son?

SPEAKER_02 27:25

So he was at nursery two days. I think he was at nursery on two of those days that I was working, and then Phil uh would have been the person that looked after him on his day off. So which would allow me to go to work basically.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

But so how do you do drop-off? How do you do pickup?

SPEAKER_02 27:45

So Phil would always do the drop-off in the morning, and he, I think on those two days did the pickup as well, because that that was so the way we worked it was whilst the kid was at nursery, Phil would do his um lunch shifts. So Phil has three shifts. He does lunch or double or dinner. So lunch for him is ten until five, six pm, same as what I would kind of be doing. A double shift for him would be ten until midnight, so he'd do ten until close. Um, and a dinner where he'd probably go in at say three o'clock um and come home at close, which is you know, sort of midnight time anyway. The kid would go to nursery on the days that Phil would do the lunch shift, which would then allow me to do say a double at work, for example. If I'm completely honest, I can't really remember how we structured it because it's quite intricate in trying to keep all the plates spinning, you know, you've got everything to think about. And obviously, in this industry, it's very much business comes first. You know, if Phil has someone that calls in sick, he's head chef. So who's gonna be the one that picks up that shift? It's gonna be him. And obviously, as the breadwinner for the family, what he says kind of goes. So if he has to be called into work, I have to cancel my shift, or I have to find an alternative solution. And there were times where he had to go into work, we had no other option for childcare, and I had to cancel my shift, which means I then lose money. You know, and I was obviously being paid by the hour, you don't get paid salary in this industry unless you're senior, senior manager. So it's like a lose-lose situation, right?

SPEAKER_00 29:36

You mentioned earlier that you were breastfeeding your son. How did that work?

SPEAKER_02 29:43

Yeah, good question. Uh obviously, unlike probably most, you know, modern, clean, uh corporate style buildings, we don't have additional facilities like uh, you know, staff, staff canteen or staff tree. Uh I mean, look, it depends. Wherever you work, there's always something different in this particular restaurant we worked at. You gotta you've got to remember that restaurants in London are built to serve people, not to serve staff. And if you think about a lot of the buildings that restaurants, especially maybe some of the higher-end ones that I I would always work in, they're in old listed buildings. There's not much space for extra space, shall we say? And space is money, right? You know, why would you it sounds terrible, but why would you give why would you build a staff room when you could build four extra tables, you know? Um, which is terrible. So terrible. And I think that's changing. Welfare in hosp in hospitality is definitely improving in parts, uh post-pandemic especially, but ultimately the restaurant is built and the staff are thought about afterwards. It's like, oh crap, we haven't got a staff room. So I would go and sit in the toilet, which is also the changing room for the whole entire building, on a chair that was probably needed for a function, so someone would might whip it out from underneath my bum. So I was either sat or standing with a breast pump on and a muslin cloth over my shoulders, while someone stood next to me changing for their shift. Um, there were times that I did it in the toilet, which is disgusting, you know, hygienically disgusting. Yeah, and I'd pump like a couple of times a di, you know, shift, which also is really difficult because, you know, imagine you're in the middle of lunch service, you're doing 150 covers going into going into the busy Christmas period, you've got, you know, requests coming out of your ears and tables that are demanding, and you know, you want to make your tips, right? So you, you know, you want to be there at all times, and then all of a sudden your boobs get hard and your milk comes in, and you're like, crap, I need to leave the floor. You know, try explaining to your boss. I mean, luckily, my boss is someone that I've worked with for many, many years, very understanding. And uh, like I said, one of my best friends was, you know, also my boss. But even she never really got it. And now she is actually a mother herself. She actually turned around to me recently and was like, I wish I understood more. Um, but anyway, that's another story. Um but yeah, imagine having to run off the restaurant floor when you've got, you know, hot food in your hand, or drinks that need to be collecting, or tables that are waving at you because they want service, and you're like, I just need to let my boobs down. You know, it's it's impossible. You feel like you're letting the team down, and then I used to get people, guys, who some of the younger guys sort of saying, I heard them kind of bitching and moaning once, Oh Holly's always leaving the floor. And obviously they don't know what I'm doing downstairs. Uh why should they? Why should they even care? But you know, comments like that, it's like and one day I think I actually turned around to them and said, you know what? I'm breastfreeding my child. I'm I'm pumping downstairs. If you've got a problem with it, go and speak to my boss, you know. But it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing, it's awkward, it's uncomfortable, like it's impractical. That's it.

SPEAKER_00 33:21

And so um with what you've described, it really sounds like one of you, either yourself or your partner, is with your child at any given time. You're you it doesn't really seem like you spend time with, you know, all three of you together.

SPEAKER_01 33:39

No.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

So am I right to think that it almost sounds like you are single in a couple? Yeah. You're single mum and he's a single dad, yeah, but you're part of a couple.

SPEAKER_02 33:52

Yeah, co-parenting. That's exactly right. So Phil would look after him on his days off, and I would look after him on my days off. Um, as he got older, we actually asked for support from Phil's mother. So she up until you know, even still now, does one day a week, which at the time wasn't really helping us in terms of getting um getting our lives back together as a family because I think she was doing one. So I would always do the weekends because it's the busiest time of the week. Phil needs to be in the restaurant. So weekends I would always look after him. Phil would always do a Wednesday. Phil's mum would do a uh Monday, and he would be at nursery the other three days. So we do not have a family day, or we sorry, let me rephrase that. We did not have a family day up until very, very recently, which is now a Sunday for us. We have one day a week. Uh, not every Sunday, it's not always guaranteed. Again, business is business. If he's got something to do, if he's got an event, or if he's got a bit busy lunch service or brunch service or whatever, he needs to be there. So, which is it's great now that we can do that, but our kids now three and a half. It's past the point of really needing it, you know. When he was much younger, was when I needed that support and that co-parenting. Um, and actually, it just popped into my mind in those early days when I first went back to work, I was doing Saturday, Sunday, Monday by myself.

SPEAKER_01 35:46

I did that probably for about a year and a half.

SPEAKER_02 35:51

So four days of the week two days of the week of the four, Phil would be in in the evenings two days, and he would be on double shifts for the other two days or something like that. And then I would be looking after the kid on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Saturday and Monday were always double shifts, and I think on a Sunday he would normally do a lunch shift, so he'd be home at like six, seven o'clock. Um come Monday, I was absolutely spent, completely overstimulated, exhausted. There were days I'd have panic attacks. There would be days that I would just be so completely overwhelmed. I think I suffer a little bit with um ADHD. I've never been diagnosed, but I think I've got ADHD or um some sort of um sort of neurodivergent uh mindset. So I get I was stimulated very quickly. I get um I worry I I not so much now, but back in those early days, I worried. You know what I worried about the most? Something going wrong. And there were a couple of times where I was soloing. One particular time I had a stomach bug. I don't know what it was. Um I had all day. I didn't think um I didn't think it was much of a problem. I went out for a walk in the afternoon. I was so unwell. You know, I threw up on the side of the road, some guy stopped in a car and asked if I was okay. I was pushing the buggy. I did not know what to do with myself. And I didn't really know any. I mean, I I did know, you know, the group of women who I met when I first moved to the area, but because of the shift work, I felt like it kind of stopped me really building uh close relationships because I was never available to go out socially, or I was never available for play dates, or I was never available for this or that or the other. Or quite frankly, I was completely and utterly overstimulated. And I did, you know, it's a bit of a catch-22, isn't it? You want to you want the support and you want the help and you want to to socialise and not be as lonely, but at the same time, you're completely spun and overstimulated. And the last thing on my mind was to sort of pretend to be nice to somebody because I had I just did not have it in me emotionally to be that person. So I kind of felt like I didn't have a huge community around me. And I, you know, my parents live three hours away, and you know, Phil's parents live an hour away. It's not exactly like they can just pop in the car and you know, come and keep an eye on the kid whilst I'm unwell. There was a very kind mother who may or may not be listening to this who offered to come and help put um my son to sleep whilst I basically had my head in the toilet. Um, and I felt awful. I felt so ashamed and guilty and um I felt like a bit of a failure, you know. I felt like, why can't I handle why can't I handle this? Why can't I be sick and be a mother at the same time? Um but I felt, yeah, it really sat sort of uncomfortably with me, and you know, it will always stick in my mind. I think after that, it was like the fear of things going wrong, you know, um what if got unwell, or what if I was unwell again? And how, you know, if he, I don't know, had a temperature, or if he um wrote or if it or I don't know, if he tripped over or hurt himself, or there was, you know, there was one time he cut his eyebrow open. Um luckily f Phil was home that evening, but um, you know, what if he did it? Actually he did do it, he tripped over and whacked his eye and cut his eye open as well. And Phil was on a double shift. I was like, do I go to hospital? Do I not? How do I get to hospital? Um, you know, the thought of putting a sick child in the back of the car and then having to drive there and not really being able to check on him and not really then having to worry about where to park or um, you know, all this sort of stuff, uh th the logistics, right? You you need two people for for that kind of thing. Um and the thought of kind of doing that all solo, there were times where I I would kind of work myself up into a bit of a panic. And obviously, with the overstimulation of you know, doing three days solo by yourself was uh was hard. And yeah, so we we we co-parent. It's it's it's difficult. Now we have a bit more of a healthy balance. Um, obviously, he doesn't need as much um attention as he did when he was younger. I don't need as much support as what I did when he was younger. Um and we do finally get that family day on a Sunday, which is not always a family day. It's often running errands or chores or catching up on things, you know. But in the evenings, and this is something I really tried to discuss with family also, um, and also friends. I don't have a huge amount of friends that work in like a corporate industry. Generally, my friends, uh our friends are from the hospitality background because you know, you live, breathe, and sleep, work and you know, your social lives and are made and work and all sorts of stuff. I was trying to explain this to someone, like it's become so lonely. The days I guess like when, you know, when they're newborn and the days just seem never-ending. Uh, and then but when they're a little bit older, it's just like what I would have given to have just Phil come home in the evening. And tell you what, on those days, like a Sunday, for example, where he would do a lunch shift and he would come home, the pressure, like this invisible pressure that was released from me and my shoulders was lifted, knowing that at approximately 6 p.m. on that evening, he would be walking through the door. And it just made my day smoother, it made my day happier, just knowing that you've got like whether he helped or not, physically, whether he helped or not, it was just knowing that someone was coming home and you were not alone, you were suddenly not alone anymore. And the days that he didn't come home and that he was on double shifts or whatever, I cannot, I I really wish that I could explain it. I cannot explain it. It created fear, it created anxiety, it created loneliness. Just because, you know, if you've had a bad day, you just want to tell someone about it, right? You just want to um, you just want that pressure released, and and that pressure release never came because he never walked through the door. And the loneliness was painful, like honestly painful. And I remember in the really early days, like the newborn days, I had to drag him home from work a couple of times because I was like, I cannot bloody do this. I cannot do this by myself. You know, with a screaming baby, completely overstimulated. Yeah, it's just really, really hard. And I just wish I'm probably not doing a very good job of explaining it, to be honest, but I really wish that. More people understood, you know, and then and then you'd get people say, like, well, so and so's my other half's not home until like 8 p.m. at night. But at least you know they're coming home, right? Phil would not come home until one, sometimes maybe two o'clock in the morning if he'd miss his bus or train. I would be obviously fast asleep. I say fast asleep, you know, there's only so much fast asleep you can be with a with a young baby, but I would be at least those other people had the invisible pressure released when their husband or partner walks through the door. I never I never got that. I never had that satisfaction. I never had that yeah, I never had that, and it was really, really hard.

SPEAKER_00 44:42

What about your relationship? Because obviously just now I think you were talking about you as a mum and him as a dad. But what about your relationship for the two of you?

SPEAKER_02 44:55

There was a lot of, especially in the early days, there was a lot of resentment from me. And I think the thing to remember in hospitality, which people may or may not know, is your average work week is 48 to 50 hours a week. That is a whole entire day extra of work than your average person that works 40 hours a week. So there's only so many hours in a day, right? And there's only so many hours in a week. So where the hell do those eight to 10 extra hours, where do you put them? Right. So when he comes home from work, even now, not maybe not so much now, because I think we've got a good balance going on, but in the early days, he'd be coming home from work absolutely exhausted. He's on his feet all day. His particular restaurant does a thousand covers a day. Um, a very busy central London restaurant, um, in a prime sort of tourist spot and a prime sort of tourist location. He's absolutely drained. So when he comes home from work, all he wants to do is crash. Um, he would obviously spend a lot of time on his phone um just to kind of like unwind, or he would just go straight to bed and fall asleep, which I've never blamed him for, but I have resented it because I'm also exhausted and overstimulated, and my brain hurts because I've overthought everything all day for the whole day, and I'm lonely and I need emotional support, and you know, my love language is touch, and I'd like to be touched, and I'd like to be, you know, just you know, I'd like to be supported in in emotionally and physically, and I wasn't getting that at all. There were times in uh the I mean, over the last three years, there have been many times I've questioned, have we done the right thing? Have I made the right decision? Have I chosen the right person? You know, I have, by the way. Um, but um, you know, especially in the early days when you don't know your ass from your elbow, some really dark thoughts popped into my head. Really dark thoughts. Was having a kid a mistake? With am I, like I say, am I with the right person? There were even times I thought I wish I didn't do this. Horrible, dark thoughts. And like I hope that never feels that he was not wanted because he he was very much wanted. But I think the reality of like the reality of new motherhood for anyone is is is um is a lot and to be in this industry and be a new mother is near-on impossible. So our relationship suffered big time, you know, sometimes it still suffers now. Sometimes I get so upset, so frustrated, you know, there's things we want to do. There's family we had a family day the other day, and you know, he wanted to do everything but he wanted to, you know, relax and unwind because he'd had a busy week. And I'm like crying out for family time, and we've got, you know, the kids kind of around my feet and desperate to go out. And I told him that we'd have family day, and obviously he's then upset because we didn't have a family day, and you know, but it's really difficult to get angry when this is the lifestyle that we ultimately chose, you know. These are the careers we chose, which I think is great when you're young, but it's not great when you're older and suddenly life happens and families happen and you know, stuff like that. But yeah, it's it's hard on a relationship. The pressures that it, the additional pressures, I mean, the additional pressures that it puts on a couple in this industry is monumental and you will never ever understand unless you work in a newborn baby in a relationship. Yes, that already bring brings added pressure and stress to the relationship and to the dynamic of the couple to add shift work, loneliness, exhaustion on top of that. I I I I I don't know how we've managed to do it for so long. I don't know how other people do it. I don't know. Maybe we're extra extra sensitive. I maybe I'm extra sensitive. Um I don't know. But yeah, we make it work. We've I feel like we've got a good balance now. I feel like maybe it's because he's a little bit older and you know, I worry less.

SPEAKER_01 49:50

But yeah, it's been crap.

SPEAKER_02 49:53

Really crap.

SPEAKER_00 49:55

Well, on this great word, it's been crap. Um with what you've learned. If you could travel back in time and meet Holly from a few years ago, what would you say to her? Anything you could say to her to help her prepare mentally, maybe for what's to come, to help her find maybe her support, a village quicker? What what would you say to her?

SPEAKER_02 50:24

Um, I think the first thing I would say was reconsider your life choices and your career choices. Uh hospitality is not a career choice that you choose. I think hospitality is a career choice that chooses you. Someone once told me, uh, someone once asked me, in a fact, did you choose hospitality or hospitality chose you? And I think if you ask the same question to 90% of the people, uh to anyone that works in hospitality, 90% of the people would probably say hospitality chose me. I didn't wake up one morning and think I want to wait tables for the rest of my life. But when you're young, you don't care, right? You just you want to go travel the world, you want to have fun, you want to work in this industry. It's fun, it's exciting, it's, you know, everything you want it to be. You don't think about later on in life, and then suddenly you've spent your whole entire career in hospitality, you don't know anything else. You potentially have to retrain, which is what I did, trained in HR. I wish I'd thought more about it. I wish I'd thought more about when I left uni, actually getting a more um sustainable career. But then I look, that's life, isn't it? You you you you never know where life's gonna lead you. Uh I didn't foresee myself moving into HR, but uh I do now. I you know, I am now. I still work in hospitality, I still work, I'm just not operational, which is a blessing. And I actually have w wonderful flexibility and a wonderful boss who allows me to kind of come and go as I please. And I mean, it the right job really does come along at the right time. Like it took me two years to get, but you know, Christ, I feel like the luckiest person on the planet. What else would I say to myself? I don't know, like maybe I underestimated the value of the village. I think like I'm grateful. So when I first moved here, like I said, we were uh my son was four months old. I didn't know anybody in the area. I went to the local library uh and I asked, you know, do you know of any mum groups or communities that happen or classes or anything? And you know, recommended I go down to the children's centre um and find out some stuff there, which I did. And then I met a group of mums through Baby Sensory class who quite honestly have been absolutely fantastic in this last, you know, five years. I think I haven't been as engaged as I could or should have been for all of the reasons I've explained already, you know, if it's not exhaustion, it's overstimulation, uh or or just simply can't because, you know, of the other half shift work, um shift patterns or my shift patterns, you know. Um when I was again waiting tables and being operational, I couldn't go for dinner if I was serving dinner myself, you know, to other people. Could I have found a um a group sooner? No, I don't think so. We bought our flat when I was pregnant. We moved in when he was four months old. I had to start afresh here. I think what I found, I found very early. Actually. No, I there doesn't I don't think anything could have prepared me for the loneliness. I think I knew it was coming. I just I don't think I really expected it to be as heavy as it is. Like I say, that invisible weight that gets lifted when your partner comes home at night. And I can quite honestly say to anybody that has their partners home in the evening, you do not realise how lucky you are. Even if you don't talk to them, or even if you don't, you know, pay any attention to each other, just having that presence in the room, you don't know how lucky you are. And what I would give to have my partner home every night of the week, like a, in brackets, normal family. And we had to have weekends off, like what I would give to have a weekend with my family. Saturdays still remain to be the loneliest day of the week. And this is the thing, and it's something I actually wanted to mention, and it hasn't kind of come up in conversation yet, but I remember putting out on sort of our mum group for for a while, sort of, you know, if anyone's free on a Saturday, you know, just let me know. No one came back to me. And you know why no one came back to me, because on Saturdays, everyone does everything with their families. You know, everyone has got family plans, or they're going out for the day, or that's their time with their family. And I respect that. So of course no one's gonna want to want to spend time with me and my family, or me and my son, because they've really got plans of their own, and obviously their family is important, their family time is important. So Saturday still remains to be like the loneliest day because it's yeah, that's exactly why. It's it's it's a long day, full work's a double shift. I go to football in the morning and I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what the hell to do with myself, ourselves. Um, like I say, it's a lot easier now that he's older, I can take him for a walk or do this or do that, or you know. But in those first couple of years, especially come winter, I mean, miserable, completely miserable. And trying to entertain a child whilst you're absolutely miserable yourself. You're supposed to be the happy one and you're supposed to be the fun one, and you know, and all you can think of is all of the people that you know that are enjoying time with their families and, you know, enjoying their young children and, you know, doing things with their partners.

SPEAKER_00 56:05

Yeah. Is there anything else that you not just want to share, but that you feel people should know about what it's like to work in shift life or you know, because here I'm thinking it's not just hospitality. We're talking about probably a lot of people that are working in non-traditional hours. Um, so that could be obviously hospitality like we've talked about today, but that could be also medical, that could be retail, that could be emergency services, it could be a very wide variety of professions. Is there anything else that you haven't shared yet that you feel people should know just for the next time that they bump into uh that sort of solo mum or solo dad that is part of a couple but is living a different life, a very different life to to the rest of us?

SPEAKER_02 57:06

Um, I don't know. It's difficult to say. I mean, yes, you're completely right. It's not just hospitality. I am, you know, I am just one of many, I am one of many. I am one of many work widows. Uh, and my partner is one of many working dads that work shift work, you know, like you say, it's medical emergency services. You know, there's so many different industries. I don't know what else to say to anybody. I I honestly don't know what else to say other than I mean, the obvious is, you know, you're not alone because there are so many other people going through the same thing as you. Can what I say make that better for somebody else? No, because it's still going to be lonely. It's still gonna, they're still gonna need to find what works for them. They're still gonna need to probably find, you know, activities to do or, you know, find ways to handle the loneliness, as it were. You know, but also the thing that we are unlucky with is we don't have family nearby. You know, other people that um do have do work shift work may well have family nearby, which is great, good for them. So look, everyone does their own thing and everyone figures it out their own way. And as I mentioned before, I think I possibly struggle more than perhaps your average mother. Um, whether that's because I have undiagnosed ADHD or you know, whatever it is. I am acutely aware of that. I am acutely aware that I'm probably oversensitive, overstimulated, and overworried the the than your average person, um, which also doesn't help. Um But no, I I don't I honestly don't know what else to say other than like keep going. It like it does get better. I think be patient with yourself and be patient with each other because the amount of times that I've lost my rag at Phil, I wouldn't say I've threatened leave. I don't think I could ever could leave. I wouldn't say I've threatened leaving, but you know, just to like I've said some really horrible things just to try and help him understand from my perspective what it's like to be at home with a newborn baby or a young baby by yourself with no one around. It's it's yeah, no, it's it's yeah, I don't know. I honestly don't know what else to say. You know, it is it's tough. It's really tough. I guess the only thing is is find your group, find your village. Um, you know, you you you kind of there's this funny thing, you know, find your village when you're pregnant. And it's like that village doesn't exist as it used to. I think we like to think it does, and you know, we might meet women and we might meet people that support us through those early days, but it's not the village that it used to be, and it's not the village that we all need. Life has changed, work has changed. You know, first of all, we're all the majority of us are working mums these days. So, you know, we expected to work like you don't have kids and have kids like you don't need a job, you know. Um and the system is not working for us, quite frankly, and that's a whole other subject for a whole other day, I'm sure. But uh the system is not working for us, and um as a result of that, the village is non-existent. So I think if you are in a similar situation, you know, reach out where you can. People will help you. Like, honestly, a couple of occasions people have come to my rescue in the first couple of years, whether necessary or not. But you know, I've been grateful either way. Maybe I should have asked more, maybe I should have asked for more help, maybe I should have asked for more company, maybe I should have made more of an effort. But like I said, when you're overstimulated and you're tapped out, and you know, the last thing you want to do is try and socialise with people, you know. It's it's hard, it's really hard.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:38

I just wanted to say thank you very much for sharing your story.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:41

Thank you for having me. I feel I feel it's a subject I'm really passionate about because I feel like I've suffered in silence for a really long time. Um and I feel that uh it is important. And I think, you know, there have been, like I said, there have been times where people haven't understood or people have, you know, tried to kind of cover it up with, oh, you know, but but this and but that, and you know, never mind. And like, no, it's it's a real problem. It's a real problem. So I really hope that people do kind of understand a little bit more now.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:14

Well, thank you. I think you've started to help everyone. So thank you for that, Holly. Thank you for that. And um if I can share a joke, um I was thinking originally to have a couple interview with you and your partner.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:28

Oh my god, that would have been hilarious. Why didn't you do that? We should have done that.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:32

Well, I'm very happy to do it. It's just I was thinking, that's hilarious. How could that happen?

SPEAKER_02 1:02:37

Well, well, that is yes. If we're talking about shift work, when would that happen? Exactly. We'd have baby in tow, uh toddler in tow, and uh that would have been a great one. That would have been a really interesting one. I think Phil probably would have had a really interesting insight as well. And maybe look, maybe we would have had conversations that we have not had yet, you know, as a couple. I think that's really interesting.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:59

Hey, maybe part two.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:00

Part two, I would be so up for it. Definitely.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:05

Well, thank you so much for that, Holly. And um, I'll speak to you very soon and hopefully we'll have a part two. Thank you. Bye-bye. Bye. What a powerful conversation. I found this episode such a learning experience. A real insight into a reality that many families may never have had to think about. And yet, for so many parents working in hospitality, healthcare, emergency services, shift work and beyond, this is everyday life. Holly, thank you for taking us into your world with such honesty. Thank you for sharing not just the practical realities of parenting around non-traditional hours, but also the emotional side of it. The loneliness, the exhaustion, and the resilience it takes to keep showing up for your child, your relationship, and for yourself. There was so much in this conversation about invisible labor, about partnership, about sacrifice, and about redefining what family life can look like when it doesn't follow the standard script. And if this episode resonated with you, whether because you saw your own family reflected in it, or because it opened your eyes to a reality you had not considered before, I'd love for you to share it with someone who might need to hear it. As always, thank you so much for listening, for being part of the village, and I'll see you in the next episode. Raising with the village will now be released every other Thursday, giving me the space to keep bringing you thoughtful and honest conversations. You can find all past episodes on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, YouTube, or wherever you usually listen. And you can follow the show there, add some new episodes, then straight into your feed. If you'd like to get in touch, share feedback, or suggest a story, you can find me on Instagram at Raising with the Village. I always love hearing from you. And if this podcast has resonated with you, one of the best ways to support it is by subscribing, rating, leaving a review, or sharing an episode with someone who might need it. It truly makes a difference and helps these stories reach the people who need them most. Thank you for being part of the village, and I'll see you next time. Bye bye.