Episode 6: What Chronic Illness Taught Me About Boundaries

In this episode of Both Sides of the Couch, Kari explores one of her favorite topics, boundaries, through both a therapist’s and a chronically ill person’s lens. She reflects on how the body sometimes enforces limits long before the mind does, especially when chronic pain, fatigue, or stress make “pushing through” impossible.

Kari shares how she’s learned to honor physical boundaries just as much as interpersonal ones with family, friends, clients, and even herself. She dives into the difference between boundaries and consequences, the grief that can come when others don’t respect our limits, and why enforcing boundaries is an act of self-respect, not rejection.

She also discusses how boundaries evolve over time, how to negotiate them in relationships, and why clear communication makes them healthier and less intimidating. Whether it’s saying “no” to a draining conversation, recognizing your body’s need for rest, or renegotiating time with a loved one, Kari reminds listeners that good boundaries protect both connection and well-being.

✨ Takeaway: Boundaries aren’t walls, they’re clarity. Start treating your body’s signals and your relationships’ needs as part of the same conversation.

Transcript

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Welcome to both sides of the couch. I'm Carrie, a therapist who also happens to be a human navigating chronic illness, which means I see life from both sides. This is where I share honest stories, lessons, and little reminders that you don't have to have it all figured out to keep showing up. Let's get into today's episode. Sometimes the body enforces boundaries before the mind does. Today we're talking about boundaries and a few reasons of why they're so important. I'm a self-proclaimed boundary queen. I set them at work with family, friends, strangers, and even myself. So many people struggle with setting boundaries or following the ones set by others. So, as I said in the intro, I've always been comfortable setting boundaries and as a therapist, I'm especially respectful of others' boundaries. I feel like boundary setting partially comes natural for me. Maybe I had to start doing it from a young age, but I think I'm able to really see the. Benefits of setting a boundary and those outweigh any awkwardness or tension. The part of setting a boundary that a lot of people struggle with enforcing them or maybe they're people pleasers and they don't wanna inconvenience the other person. That is definitely not me. I also think being chronically ill, my body does set boundaries for me sometimes. When I feel pain, it's setting a boundary with me. When I get sick, it sets boundaries with me. When I need rest, it sets boundaries with me. And these are non-negotiable boundaries. I always fail if I try to push on those boundaries. So I think eventually learning to set those boundaries instead of having consequences is the goal. Right? I'm trying to think of a good example of a time I set. A boundary or had a boundary set against me, but there's so many. I think I really struggled with it. I think what stands out more for me are times where I've set a boundary with someone and they've super pushed back on it. Like they're just like, no, you can't set that boundary with me. Those are people I no longer have relationships with. Like, it just doesn't work for me. And I think like that's the ultimate part of a boundary, right? At the end of the line if you can't respect this boundary, I won't. This at the end of the line, it's, I'm not gonna spend time with you. I'm not gonna have a relationship with you. And I think like on paper, when you're like, oh. I don't speak to my sister. People are like judgy about that. They have their own conceptions on something like big must have happened between you or family's so important. How could you ever do that? But me, like when I hear people say something like that, I'm like, oh yeah, you set boundaries that couldn't be followed. That's what happened. And that's hard. I'm gonna validate that. It's hard to do and it's a hard decision because I think most people that we have a relationship with, even if we know, like even if that boundary is firm, like if you can't do this, we're not gonna have a relationship anymore. Like there's still value in that relationship. There's something good about that relationship and you're trying to preserve it by setting the boundaries, so to say out loud. Even if you're not saying it to that person, but to say out loud to yourself, this is the boundary, and if they can't follow it, they're not gonna be in my life anymore. That's like, I think that I can remember when I was younger, struggling with like, I'd set the boundary and then it'd be like, okay, I'm gonna give you one more chance. Or um, I'll change the boundary a little bit. Maybe I said it too harshly. Maybe you'll be able to follow it then. And it's because, you know, you think about the future and like, oh, am I really never gonna talk to this person ever again? So it's kind of like a whole separate subject, but you have to kind of grieve, like anticipatory grieve that if this person doesn't follow this boundary, I'm not gonna have them in in my life anymore. And obviously I would not be setting boundaries that had results like that if they weren't super important. Like, I'm not gonna set like a. Not, I don't set nonchalant boundaries at all, first of all, but I'm not gonna set like a wispy boundary and cut somebody off for it. Right. Boundaries I'm setting are like big asks and big needs typically. I mean, there's the minor boundaries of like personal space boundaries and stuff like that, or if it's like obvious. I've never had anyone disrespect those kind of boundaries before, but you know, if they did, I probably wouldn't spend time with them anymore. But anyways, I digress back to, yeah. I think when you're in a relationship with somebody who repeatedly cannot accept your boundaries and pushes back on them, that's the hard part. I think in most relationships, most people are respectful of boundaries and maybe they don't get it the first time, but you see like there's. Growth, and there's an aim to respect your boundaries. But the people who truly, I mean, will do the exact opposite of what you've asked to purposefully break your boundaries, I think is truly more rare. Um, so if you're in a relationship with someone like this red flags, red flags sirens, warning bells yeah, they're basically telling you that they don't care about you. Your boundaries are important. They're more important than you. They don't respect you. So I think in the end, at the end like that, when I've had a few of those relationships, um, and I've had a few, only a few, it's easier for me to be like, oh yeah, I'm gonna set this boundary, and then holding firm to that boundary if necessary. But it's tough. But I think the more, the more boundaries I set. The easier it is. Like I don't hesitate to set a boundary these days. And I think I, I definitely am a little skewed because I'm a therapist. We set a lot of boundaries with our clients, right? The relationship necessitates that we set boundaries. Like you have to have boundaries in a therapeutic relationship to differentiate from other relationships. So if you're not comfortable setting boundaries. Don't go into the profession of being a therapist.'cause we have to set them a lot. And I think most clients in general recognize the boundaries and they will never push them, but some clients do. Maybe it's their first experience in therapy or because of cultural reasons, they don't understand a boundary that's been set like an unspoken boundary.'cause there's a lot of unspoken boundaries in life and they'll cross that boundary. Or they'll push that boundary, or maybe that's part of the reason that they're in therapy, right? So then that's like the more on comfy boundary setting of like, whoa, let's talk about this. This is a boundary and here's why it's important and here's why it's healthy for our relationship. I think people who struggle with boundaries, like getting that experience in therapy where a therapist is gonna be able to like hold the line on boundaries and really meet them where they're at, explain it to them and help them understand it. That's usually like the catalyst of them being able to accept and even recognize boundaries that others are setting in their life. I do recall a few times with clients where when I've set a boundary and they've reacted poorly to that, I'm like, let's explore this. I wonder if anyone else has set boundaries like this in your life before, and this may be something that you're struggling with outside of the relationship with me that usually. It ends up being true. They're able to be like, oh, you know what? Actually I think this is probably happening in this area of my life. And it's usually not, uh, mal-intent with them crossing these boundaries. Like they don't see it, they don't recognize it. Because I think socially we tend to set. Boundaries in an unclear way a lot of times, especially in less close relationships. So some people just don't pick up on those small cues. And learning that in the therapeutic relationship I think can be really valuable for people that find themselves in that situation. But boundaries are everywhere. Everywhere. Social norms are boundaries. Uh, rules when you enter like a place of business are boundaries. Like the way you answer, the way you communicate with a friend. Like, do you call them? Do you text only? Can you show up at their house unannounced? Like, those are all boundaries. Maybe we're not speaking them out loud. Um, or recognize them as so, but there are boundaries. You can see them everywhere. So the body enforcing a boundary. When we talk about chronic illness is a lot harsher than setting that boundary beforehand. When your boundary is, when your body has hit its limit. So for people with chronic pain that can be triggered by something and your body's setting that boundary with you. It's telling you, I can't do this, or we don't have the energy to do this today when you. Just slam into that wall. The aftermath is messy. It's more painful, it's unexpected. There's the emotional piece of it too. So I think when you have a chronic illness. Looking at what your body's boundaries are, and like those little warning signs physically are the way your body communicates the boundary to you. Just like those unspoken social norm boundaries in relationships. Those are really important to recognize because if you wait too long, the consequences for your health are much greater and harder to deal with. So. Looking at if you have a chronic illness, even if you don't, because your body is in a sun, warning signs, whether you're chronically ill or not, you just get them way more frequently when you're not. But let's use an example that I think everybody can relate to at times is sleep. When you haven't gotten enough sleep or haven't gotten restful sleep, your body sends these little boundary messages to you. One of them could be yawning, excessive, yawning. If you find yourself yawning, especially like earlier in the day, that's your body telling you like, Ooh, we can't, we can't work on this little asleep. We need to go to bed earlier tonight. And if you ignore that boundary and don't get enough sleep again, then the next boundary is gonna be bigger than yawning. And eventually that leads to consequence, right? We're gonna have to deal with. The lack of energy or missing out on something that was important to us because we didn't listen to our body's boundaries. So if you know your body's boundaries, like we need eight hours of sleep to function, you have to respect it by like not scheduling a 5:00 AM flight where you have to get out of bed at 2:00 AM to travel to the airport and show up early enough to make that flight. Like that's an example of a body boundary for most people. And those boundaries change over time. You know, as we age, as things and our life change, the boundaries will shift. Much like in relationships, boundaries are not static. They do shift and change over time. So reevaluating those and checking in with'em is an important part of boundary setting. I think when we look at boundaries and interpersonal relationships, being clearer is better. I guess I'll say it with chronic illness too. If you can identify the boundaries in a clear way for your body, it's gonna have better results. But if you set a boundary with someone in an interpersonal way. The unspoken implied boundary is not as clear and you can't take them not respecting that boundary as them outwardly being like, I'm not doing your boundary, because it wasn't clear. You have to find your way that it comes out as comfortable, but I think saying something like, Hey, I wanna set a boundary with you. I really don't like it when you show up to my house without asking. My house is like my safe space and I'm not always like prepared to have a guest. So I really would like you to ask from now on, like that's a lot more clear. And it's not saying like, you're not allowed to come to my house. It's just saying like, Hey, give me a heads up.'cause you can prepare yourself if a guest is coming over, but it also leaves the door open for you to be like, oh, you know, now's not a good time. But if you just like don't answer the door when your friend shows up. That's not a clear boundary. Like you're not communicating with them that you don't like, that they're doing that. So they may continue it. Or if you answer the door and are just really cold and quiet again, like not clear for them, like, I agree that that should be. Viewed as like, oh, this person's not comfortable with me here. But not everyone can see body language or read social cues the same way. So I always think to be on the safe side, like clearly expressing a boundary in a respectful way too, because boundaries can't just be one way. That's a best case approach. So say for example, you set this boundary with your friend about. Calling first before they just show up at your house. And they say, oh, you know, I, I'm totally fine to do that. But you never answer the phone when I call. And sometimes, like, I don't hear back from you via text for hours. And when I'm on your side of town, like if you call me back hours later, like, I'm not gonna drive back out, you know, to stop by and see you. So could you be a little better about how you manage responding to me? Or answering calls if you're available too. Like there's negotiation in that boundary. Like yeah, if I'm telling you that you should call first before coming over, um, it's not fair of me to just never answer your phone calls or not respond to texts, even if I've seen them. Because I mean, if you ever read receipts on, you know, your friends read the text and they just didn't respond on, so I don't know if that's a great example, but that's an example of like a negotiation through a boundary. Let me come up with another. Okay. So like in intimate relationships, if you have a partner that you're sharing your life with, there's a lot of boundaries we set with our partner. But especially when you're sharing a home, there can be a lot of things where it's, we don't, we're not always super compatible with the way that we define our home and like to vibe in our house. So sometimes you have to set a boundary of like, Hey, when I get home from work. I need a set amount of time by myself that I can relax and decompress. Whereas your partner is like, oh, I work from home and I feel really cut off from the world all day. So when you come home, I'm really excited to have somebody to talk to. So negotiating through that boundary would be like, okay, if you gimme half an hour, then we can have half an hour together. Instead of just saying, don't talk to me when I get home from work.'cause I need time alone. The negotiation is like a time limit or setting a specific time later that you're gonna socialize with your partner. It's a conversation. That's really all it is. I mean, if you're really being pushed to negotiate like haggling, you know, like price haggling. That's not negotiation. Healthy boundary negotiation is just a conversation and understanding both people's needs and how you can set a boundary best to meet both of those needs. So here's our takeaway on boundaries. I want you to keep a boundary open for negotiation. You can check in with yourself like, does this feel doable? And be open to having a discussion. On figuring out what that boundary is gonna look like best for both people. You can even ask the other person, can you help me nail down this boundary? Like, you don't have to say boundary. You can say, can you help me nail down this issue? Can you help me nail down how we handle X, Y, and Z? And have a discussion about it so it doesn't feel so harsh. It doesn't feel. As risky to set a boundary with somebody if it's really just looking like a conversation together. And then with your body, if you're chronically ill the takeaway is paying a little more attention to your body and identifying what the boundaries are. Like, what's a boundary versus a consequence? What's a boundary versus a warning sign? Because those can look just a little bit different and be hard to see. And what are known boundaries for your body? Like when I brought up the sleep thing, like, do you need a certain amount of sleep? Do you need a certain amount of recharge time? What do you know your body's gonna need regardless of the situation? Those are constant boundaries. Let me know your thoughts or if you have any questions. Thanks for joining me on both sides of the couch. If something you heard today resonated, share this episode with someone who might need it. And if you'd like to support the show or find more of my work, check the links in the show notes. Until next time, take care of yourself on both sides of the couch.