How to Solve Problems Using P.E.A.C.E. with Guest Lynn C. Davison

In this episode, Wendy speaks with Lynn C. Davison about problem-solving, family relationships, and autistic young adults entering adulthood.

Lynn hosts the podcast When Autism Grows Up and is the parent of an autistic adult child. Later in life, in her 60s, she realized she is autistic herself. Like many late-identified autistic adults, Lynn developed systems that helped her navigate the world so effectively that early autism screenings did not recognize her neurodivergence. She created The P.E.A.C.E. Practice to help autistic young adults and their families solve problems, build independence, and strengthen relationships. Instead of goals imposed by others, the approach centers on the autistic person’s needs and safety.

The P.E.A.C.E. Practice:

Pause –Take a break from difficult conversations and return when everyone is regulated

Empathize –Name your feelings so everyone understands each other

Align –Identify strengths and needs so everyone understands what matters most

Collaborate – Work together toward solutions while allowing the autistic person to take the lead

Experiment –Try different approaches to see what works best

Takeaways:

•  Recognize how much effort you've put into figuring life out. Where you are now is fine

• Traditional solutions may not work for everyone; experimentation is necessary

• Supporting nervous system regulation can improve sleep, health, and well-being

About Lynn C. Davison:

Lynn helps families make peaceful progress together using the P.E.A.C.E. Practice. She supports neurodivergent young adults and their families in building self-reliance, emotional regulation, and healthier relationships without shame or power struggles.

As a life coach and founder of LynnCDavison.com, Lynn guides clients through The Art of Adulting, a practical system shaped by decades of leadership experience.

LinkTree: https://linktr.ee/lynncdavison
Website: LynnCDavison.com

Mentioned in This Episode:

The Pattern Seekers: A New Theory of Human Invention by Simon Baron-Cohen

About Your Host:

Wendela Whitcomb Marsh, MA, RSD, is an award-winning author, TEDx speaker, and host of Amplifying Autism. Though not autistic herself, Wendy has dedicated her career to supporting the neurodivergent community. She is the founder of Adulting While Autistic and helps late-diagnosed autistic adults find clarity and community. 

Website: wendelawhitcombmarsh.com

Books Available on Amazon

Instagram: @wendela.w.marsh

Adulting While Autistic: @adultingwhileautistic 

Newsletter: https://forms.aweber.com/form/49/591191449.htm

Thank You for Listening:

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe, leave a review, and share it. Your support helps us reach more late-diagnosed autistic adults and those who care about them. 

YouTube: @AmplifyingAutism

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:04

This is Amplifying Autism, where every voice matters and every story shines. Join us as autistic authors, professionals, and trailblazers. Share their journeys, real stories, and real insight from those changing the world, one conversation at a time. It's a great pleasure to welcome Lynn C. Davison to the podcast. Lynn is a life coach who helps families make peaceful progress together through the art of adulting. She supports neurodivergent young adults and their families to build self-reliance, emotional regulation, and healthier relationships without shame, power struggles, or burnout. Her strategies blend practical systems with deep compassion, drawing on her decades of leadership experience and her lived family wisdom. When she's not coaching or creating tools for adulting success, Lynn enjoys time with her family, exercising, reading, cooking, gardening, and photography. I'm delighted to introduce you to Lynn C. Davison. Well, Lynn, welcome to the podcast. I'm delighted to have you here today.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

Well, thank you for inviting me.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

Now, one thing about our listeners, um, a lot of them are at a point in their life where they are wondering if they might be autistic. Um, they don't have a diagnosis, but they're seeing a lot of characteristics in themselves. Now, is that something that you can speak to?

SPEAKER_00 1:47

Yes. I mean, one of the books that I really enjoy is The Pattern Seekers. Simon Aaron Cohen, I think. Oh, yes. Peter Vore. I can't remember. Anyway, and he suggests We'll put it in the show notes. Put it in the show notes. And he he suggests that autistic people are really good at spotting patterns, that that's how we um how we do how we predict things, which makes us feel more comfortable. And that's how we operate often is in patterns, because then we um you know, having a system in place makes us feel more comfortable as well. So yeah, I was looking back, you know, um I'm pretty sure my grandfather, my father, my mom, my brother, my sister, my cousins, I mean my nieces, I we have a lot of autism in my family. And then um with the kids that we've and all of them are adopted for me, um we sweep, you know, we've identified autism in our family quite a bit. And so I just got really curious, you know, what are the things that have happened in my life that suggest that I could be autistic? And I went back and looked at the patterns, and the three patterns that I see often with autistic people is the struggle to get things done, the struggle to deal with the feelings, what do we do with those? And um, to connect with people. Those are the three main themes. And as I was looking at my life and you know, where I've had a hard time, it's it that they did fall into those categories, at least um they used to. And that's what was the key. When I went and looked at those autism, you know, check this box to see if you are autistic or not. Most of the time I didn't come out autistic, but I think that's because I was answering them today, as as I operate today, and I wasn't considering what was going on in my earlier days. I mean, I'm 68, I've had plenty of time to put systems and and practice, you know, patterns in place to help me compensate for the areas that I struggle in. And but when I look back when I was younger, I see more of the pattern. So I believe that I am. I've never been formally diagnosed, though.

SPEAKER_02 4:09

And and there's no reason why you should have to be. Um you know, uh, I think a lot of people are having that same kind of experience with some of the tests. As humans, we want to put our best foot forward, and a lot of times we might answer something based on our best day, but not on our worst day.

SPEAKER_00 4:28

Yes, for sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Yeah, I can do that, mostly. And I kind of wish that those tests had a question like do you have a system for eye contact? Do you have a routine for or a script for social interaction at the checkout counter with the cashier? If you have to plan for that, um, I'll just let you know most of us don't. I'm in the neuroprivileged and I I wing it, you know, I just ad lib my way through grocery stores and uh and I think that the the online tests might reflect better if they asked some of those questions that someone who's really good at masking might, you know, that might cue them in.

SPEAKER_00 5:12

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 5:13

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

Yeah. I think it's I think it's something that we all we all don't know to do, and we probably should be prompted to.

SPEAKER_02 5:23

Yeah. Now, when we first met, it was on your podcast. Um, and I would, I I had such a good time chatting with you then. I'd love for you to tell our listeners about that podcast because they need to go and follow you.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Well, it's called When Autism Grows Up. And I've been doing um, I've had a coaching practice for the last seven years, helping families with autistic young adults make that hard pivot from school to adulting and working and running live their own lives.

SPEAKER_02 5:55

That is a hard pivot. I like that phrasing, and I think that's so accurate.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

Yes, yes. And um, it doesn't go, it doesn't always go the way it's supposed to go, you know, just to do these things, right? And it's magically gonna happen. And um so what I've done at that at that podcast is I've tried to interview people who know this world and what it's been like, both autistic and um holistic authors. Uh I just have enjoyed hearing their perspectives. And so um, and I've been sharing those with with my group, with with my audience, and then I also have some ideas about you know what what helps, and so I record on that as well.

SPEAKER_02 6:48

And I think that's an excellent resource. One of one of your uh projects that really uh spoke to me that I thought this is amazing, and I don't know anyone who else who's doing it quite this way, is your peace practice. Talk to us about that, because each of the letters of peace stands for something important.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

Yeah, I needed a way, a container to put all the things that I was learning because I I'm trying to make progress with my family members who are autistic and keep the relationship strong. Yes, that's what really matters to me. I want them to feel seen and loved and um safe, and so often my knee-jerk responses were not doing that.

SPEAKER_02 7:46

You know, I was yelling, I was yeah, you know, we all know a lot of parents can totally relate to this. We're all we're all going down that same path at our own place.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

Well, and because that's kind of the way we were raised, yeah, right? We were it was suggested, we were um advised, and we were criticized, you know, those that sacking was the way that we were raised, and basically we were told to figure it out if it didn't work, right? Yeah, and I just found that um there was there was just a lot of sometimes scary things were happening inside both of us, and then I realized, oh, it's happening in me and it's happening in them. Maybe it's because we're both following a prescription that doesn't work, it doesn't, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:45

Yes, but we don't know any better in that space, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

Yeah, so um I remember in second grade singing that song, Let There Be Peace on Earth. I remember it was what it's one of my fondest memories, and Let It Begin with me. And I thought, um, is there something I could do with that acronym, with that, using that as an acronym? Because that's really my heart's desire is peace, right? Peace in my family, peace in the world, right? So um, and then I discovered that when I figured out the words that went with that, that over a hundred of my teachers, a hundred of the of the people that I've studied, their suggestions fit really nicely inside those five steps too. Wonderful. It was validated that I was on the right track. Yeah. So um, and then I kept I kept trying it inside of my family and inside of myself, and I found that the more peaceful I got, the better the conversations became.

SPEAKER_02 9:54

Oh, I love that. That's opening the door to that communication. It's beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

Because I wanted to I wanted them to know that I saw them as beautiful and wonderful, and you know, a real uh just a delight in my life, and that this struggle was something we could figure out together. But often I would say stuff that would make them feel worse, or they would say things to themselves that made them feel worse. Yes, I would see both, I'd see it on both sides. So I thought, okay, let's just pause, which isn't always easy to do, you know, because if you're in the middle of if your nervous system is is telling you to fight, um, freeze or fix. Yes, ah, yes, right, it's hard to tell it's whoa, wait a second, brain, you know, because it's just the way that our brain, you know, is designed. It's designed to keep us healthy and and and safe. Yeah. So um I found that okay, if what have I learned from all those people that I've studied that can help me get to that pause place? And then, you know, when I help my kids, I remind, you know, I bring that up. I say, you know, this isn't just my idea. This is this is somebody that studied what it takes to get our nervous system in a good place because the it's really clear that when we're emotional, we're not thinking. You know, when we're emotional, we're not thinking. And so we don't come up with the best ideas and we catastrophize and we, you know, accuse and we avoid and we argue, right? Yes. All this.

unknown 11:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:47

So okay, you know, sometimes having a having a process in place that we practiced enough just brings us the temperature in the room down just enough for us to pause. Okay, so if we can agree to pause, and if we notice that the other person hasn't been able to do that yet, we just say, well, let's pause this conversation, let's have it later. We don't have to barrel through, even though that's what you know, our society tells us we got to get it done. Get it done. The more productive, the better, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:18

Yeah, and sometimes that pause is more more important than productivity. I noticed you didn't use productivity for the P and Ps. You used pause for a reason.

SPEAKER_00 12:28

Pause for a reason, you know. That's the in, out, you know, I can name a bunch of um medical doctors who talk about how breathing is so important, you know, and it's bringing our bringing our attention back to the breath that helps us get centered. But breathing doesn't always work for people. Um, so maybe it's moving, maybe it's taking a walk. Um, you know, maybe it's um, you know, changing our body position, standing instead of sitting. Maybe it's doing a couple of movement practice, you know, like maybe some jumping jacks or you know, squats or whatever it is that help us pause. Because sometimes we just we we are really it told to use our brain to figure things out, and our body has a lot of wisdom in it too. So sometimes that pause comes from you know, our body can help us pause. Yes, I feel better already.

SPEAKER_02 13:30

It works, it works, okay.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

So the P and P is for pause, yeah, yeah, and then the E is for empathize because again, we're taught so much to think, and we're not taught to notice our emotions and gather the wisdom from them.

SPEAKER_02 13:49

There's a lot of wisdom, yes, and I I just want to say um you hear people say, Oh, autistic people can't empathize. I have known hundreds of autistic people, not one of them could not empathize. They all many of them, it's extreme empathy, yes, um, hyper empathy, but none of them lack empathy. That is just not true. So I'm glad you're putting empathize right up there where it should be.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Not only for ourselves, but also for the other person. So this process is a parallel process where we're both doing the same thing. Yeah, and that's how we have the conversation. So the empathy is, you know, life's a mixed bag. Yeah. And it's and it's um, none of us can succeed can do what we want to do in life alone. We have to have, so we gotta be able to do this together. So, okay. So let's first go, uh, yeah, this is an uncomfortable topic.

SPEAKER_02 14:53

I don't like the way this feels in my body. Tell the truth about it, that's right.

SPEAKER_00 14:58

I don't like it, you know. I don't want to have to do that thing, I don't want to have to have this conversation, right? I really don't, but I know I have but that's my short term, and my long term says I gotta stick it through, right? Okay, yes. And then when I watch what's happening with them, it's like, wow, that's bringing, you know, it brings up a lot. It brings up, you know, how do I feel safe? Which is really the biggest, most important question. Because if we don't safe, again, our nervous system takes over and makes us um, you know, fight, flee or fix, right? Yeah, so okay, if I notice what it is, I don't necessarily have to name it. You know, I don't have to be a poet. I can just say, am I comfortable or uncomfortable? Sometimes that's enough. Am I high energy or low energy? And then I have a grid, I know where to put myself on that grid. Okay, I'm over, I'm here in the red zone, you know, right? High energy, high discomfort, right? Yeah, that's what they're teaching today in um in a lot of schools, the emotional intelligence piece using the grid, you know, which is so important, yeah, very handy. All right, so once I understand where I am and where they are, then we want to align. That's the A in piece. Align. All right. What how do I want to show up? What are my strengths? And I I created a shortcut that I that I teach um for my strengths, and it's using your three initials. So mine are L, C, D. So loving, curious, and determined. Ah, I love that. So that's after a lot of work trying to figure out what are the three things that really, you know, matter at my core. And if I have that, if I remind myself of what those are, then I can align myself with them and say, okay, I want to be in this conversation with alignment. And what's what are theirs? You know, as parents, it's really important for us to know what our kids' strengths are so that we can align with them, notice them, reinforce them, make sure, because that's how they figure out how to have a life that is theirs, that works for them, is if they're aligned with their strengths. That's what we want, obviously. We want them to have great lives. We do. Yes. So the alignment, that's where we can also kind of agree on what we both want. All right, we both want a life for you that that's self um self-directed and um respectful of your wishes that it that's yours, where you can rely on yourself, and you have interdependencies and people that you can bring in to help you too. So that's what we want. We want you prepared for life on your own because we all know that we're not going to be here forever. Yes. And it's likely that their runways, at least our kids' runways, are probably gonna, you know, be longer than ours at that from this point.

SPEAKER_02 18:29

Yeah, and uh, I'm sure we've all met parents who say, Oh, my plan is I have to live forever. Yes, right, you know, and you know, we're not gonna.

SPEAKER_00 18:40

Well, you might, but you may not be in great shape anyway. But not forever. No, no, no. So yeah, it's really important that we align. So now we have, you know, now we are working on the same thing, and then we move on to the collaborate step. This is the C step where we collaborate. And what I have found to be really hard for me is to shut up. Same. Right. I know what you're going to do. I mean, I got more miles on my tires. Why don't we take advantage of this wonderful, right?

SPEAKER_02 19:23

It's it's a mom thing, it's a teacher thing. It is really hard to just stop talking.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

So um a teacher taught me that I'm allowed to start. So that that relieves a little bit of the of the pressure. I'm allowed to start. Here's my suggestion, but I can only make one.

SPEAKER_02 19:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

And what's yours? And that's when I go back and forth, yeah. And we go back and forth and back and forth. Because who's going to be doing the doing in most cases? They are. They are. And what are they more likely to do? Very they thought of. Yes. Yeah, yeah. But we have we can't like not tell them what we think.

SPEAKER_02 20:12

We really can't. We really can't. And maybe maybe our idea will spark them to find something similar, but that works for them.

SPEAKER_00 20:20

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 20:21

That feels personal to them. To them.

SPEAKER_00 20:24

And it's gotta work for both of us. Yes. You know, it's not I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna be homeless, right? I'm gonna go join the homeless camp. That doesn't work for me. Sorry, guys. I think I come up with a better idea than that one, right? Not a good long-term goal, not a good, no, no, not a good solution. So that's where the back and forth comes. And and that to me is where um, you know, pause is really where the magic begins, and the collaborate step is when you the hope grows because they start to see, oh, I can, there are things under my control that I can do.

SPEAKER_02 21:07

And that's so important for them to feel like the captain of their own ship. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 21:14

Yeah, absolutely, and that's what we want to encourage because we aren't going to be there all the time. So we want to encourage them to be the captain and practice it while we're still here. It's really important. Um, yes, for both of us to have them do the deciding. All right, then we move to the experiment stage, which is okay, once we've picked something that that they can do, we really we we agree on it. They make a commitment to it. It's not just you know, us telling them what to do, it's their commitment to what they're gonna do next. And um, and then we ask, you know, what support do you want from me if you're trouble getting up in time to get to work on time. Do you want me to text you? Do you want me to knock on your door? Do you want me to ask you if you need help with anything? Do you want me to not say anything? You know what are you looking for from me? If anything, you want me to stay out of your business? Okay.

SPEAKER_02 22:26

Yeah. You know? And and if your solution is you want a parent to wake you up every day, what's a good plan for weaning that away for shifting the responsibility from the parent to the child when they're ready to accept it. But with a long-term plan of you're not always going to have your mommy waking you up.

SPEAKER_03 22:45

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 22:46

But right now you might need that so you don't lose your job, you know?

SPEAKER_00 22:50

Yeah, right now you might need me knocking on your door. Yeah. So experimenting with experimenting and seeing what happens seeing what what comes up during that experiment. Because um but I I I love this process because we we recognize it's a practice it's not perfection. We don't expect to get it right the first time. That's right. So we expect to circle back again and go back to the top after we've done experiment.

SPEAKER_02 23:20

Yeah piece is a circle it just continues. And I just want to go one more time I just want to remind our listeners it the piece is pause empathize align collaborate and then experiment and see how I repeat and then circle back. Yeah. I love that so much. I'm glad that you shared it with us.

SPEAKER_00 23:50

It has made a huge difference in my mind. So I'm more relaxed. I'm I'm feeling safer and then as I practice it inside my family I recognize oh there's a lot of wisdom in each of those steps. Yes sometimes I need help.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 24:09

So we all do yeah I have a coach that I go to when I've tried and the in the experiment didn't work and I don't know why. So I really value having a person that I can trust that has that's more neutral that I can say hey here's what happened what are your thoughts what what am I missing you know what could I add having someone that's not in your family right whether it's a counselor or a coach or a whoever it is somebody that's just a little step away they know you but they're not in the mix of it.

SPEAKER_02 24:50

So they can give you some perspective that is so valuable. Oh yeah and and you also offer life coaching to others you can be that person for them.

SPEAKER_00 24:59

Yeah I love supporting families and my approach at the art of adulting which is my program is that I work with both the parents and the autistic young adult. I don't just coach the autistic young adult I also support the parents and um I think that and I teach a lot every everything I teach is for both the parents and for the young adults. So they start to have a shared language and a shared approach to making that hard pivot.

SPEAKER_02 25:34

Yeah and I think there are a lot of life coaches out there that just work with the adult and not with a family. But when a person is maybe still living at home or their parent is still very much a part of their journey at this stage of their life working with them both together as you do it can be such a valuable gift that you give them yes because they want to be connected they want they also want to see progress.

SPEAKER_00 26:03

Definitely right they both want to see progress so this way um you know it we have like I said that we have that wonderful container that we can use and then there's a lot of information that I I teach about getting things done and dealing with feelings and connecting with people what are the things I wish I'd known when I got when I was in that hard pivot yes that no one explicitly because I find as an autistic person that if I have explicit directions and I have a specific process to follow a system to follow I'm much more successful.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

Now a lot of our listeners um like you had been had started as uh parents of autistic kids and through their children's diagnoses it opened up their eyes to their own diagnosis. So they're not only parenting an autistic child but they are parenting while autistic themselves. And they're reparenting themselves. Yes that is you that's put so perfectly they are reparenting themselves while they're parenting someone else. Absolutely so before we say goodbye today I would love for you to just share whatever advice or words of wisdom or any kind of encouragement to the listeners who are very much like you but maybe where you were a few years ago and you can like give them the advantage of your vantage point.

SPEAKER_00 27:41

So I guess something I want everyone to take inside and hold inside of them is that where we are is really fine. It's we have put a lot of effort into figuring this out. And we keep reaching for the traditional solutions that work supposedly for most people but hey they don't always work for us. So the key that I have learned is that I have to regulate my nervous system all day long. And when I do that I sleep better I feel better I'm I'm healthier you know all my biomarkers are better you know if I first pay attention to my nervous system. And so we understand that it's not a lack of effort that hasn't gotten us what we need. It's it's just we haven't attended to our nervous system as well as we know we need as we now know we need to do. I want everyone to have because when we have that we all do better.

SPEAKER_02 29:06

That is so beautiful and uh when we have peace then we are able to help the people around us it's like we're putting on our oxygen mask first like they say on the airplanes. And whether that self-regulation comes from spending a little time in nature even if it's just a potted plant or doing something creative or moving like you said moving your body getting out or whatever works for that individual to help them to be more fully themselves will help them more fully parent, won't it?

SPEAKER_00 29:42

Absolutely. And we are all unique so we have to figure out what works for us. Yes we would I love getting input and then I have to decide what works for me.

SPEAKER_02 29:51

Yeah no one else can do that for me. That is right. That is right each one of us finds our own way. I want to thank you again for being here Lynn this has been just the most wonderful conversation and I will be putting your information into the show notes. Is there any what's your favorite way for people to get in touch with you?

SPEAKER_00 30:12

Oh the my favorite way is for you to um set up a time to talk to me. Okay I do I I would love to to talk about your family um and the first conversation uh I I promise you is has no pressure it's no cost it and but I'm I'm really hoping you'll see how um having support getting peace can work for you.

SPEAKER_02 30:43

You know I think now that they've heard you speaking about and heard your story you are now a familiar person. And it's always so much easier to make that first contact with someone that they kind of already know. So um that contact information will be in the show notes. So anybody who wants to reach out it's a safe place to reach out.

SPEAKER_00 31:04

Yes. So there's two places you can go to talktolin.com and that gets you right to um giving me the information I need to you know have a conversation with you. And the second place is when autism grows up and that has a bunch of resources there for you as well.

SPEAKER_02 31:18

Okay and they should also uh follow your podcast subscribe to your podcast that's the best thing to do yeah we're there okay well thank you for being here it's been great chatting with you pleasure such a pleasure bye for now what a great conversation with Lynn C. Davison Lynn is a podcaster hosting When Autism Grows Up she's a parent of an autistic adult child and recently in her 60s she came to understand that she is autistic herself and self-identified many autistic young adults like Lynn's child experience a hard pivot between school and adulthood. On her podcast she interviews peopleistic and autistic who understand the neuromajority world and can share what works. Lynne created the peace practice to help autistic people make and reach life goals and to problem solve while keeping their important relationships strong. They should feel seen, loved and safe in their family. In short, the peace practice reminds us to pause, empathize, align, collaborate, and experiment. Lynn wants to remind you that where you are now is fine. If traditional solutions haven't worked for you, experiment and find what does work. Regulate your nervous system whether by movement, connecting with nature, creative outlets, spending time alone or whatever helps you feel most like yourself. You deserve to honor your own needs and to have peace. Thanks for joining us on Amplifying Autism. I'm Wendellsh looking forward to next time you've been listening to Amplifying Autism celebrating the voices that shape a more understanding world don't miss the next episode more stories, more insight and more voices that matter