Rage Bait & Ube Coconut Cream with Dave Cruise

This week on The Taylor Taylor Taylor Show, Taylor Brooke and her “acquaintance” Dave Cruise spiral from Starbucks ube espresso discourse into full-blown internet  warfare after Taylor’s viral Threads post: “Women are the only beings attracted to their biggest predator.”

The two read through real hate comments from furious men on the internet, debate why overly attractive men feel psychologically unsafe, unpack the Scarlett Johansson/Colin Jost dynamic, and question whether modern society has made ordering coffee unnecessarily complicated. 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:18

All content featured on the Taylor Taylor Taylor show is intended for entertainment purposes only. All stories discussed herein are based on alleged events and personal opinions. Nothing shared should be taken as bad or professional advice. Any viewpoints expressed are solely those of host and do not represent any business or organizations.

SPEAKER_01 0:33

Hello, hello, hello, and welcome back to the Taylor Taylor Taylor Show. I'm your host, I'm Taylor Brooke, and this is the show where we say things three times until they make sense. And here with the founder of that phrase for this show is my acquaintance, Dave Cruz.

unknown 0:49

Acquaintance?

SPEAKER_01 0:50

I know. I just I couldn't hype you up too much because I said founder.

SPEAKER_04 0:54

The amount of texts and messages I get from you about being your best friend. Or do you just send that to everybody?

SPEAKER_01 0:59

No, I don't. I don't use the term best friend lately.

SPEAKER_04 1:01

It makes me feel special when you do.

SPEAKER_01 1:03

Awww. We're starting this podcast off on such a good note.

SPEAKER_04 1:06

Now that I have to make a note that I'm now an acquaintance.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

Dave Cruz, now an acquaintance. Also, we should talk about the fact that the last podcast that I did, I talked about you and we couldn't figure out what your last name was. And then I called you and you sent me to voicemail twice. Twice. You've never sent me to voicemail.

SPEAKER_04 1:26

I don't think you've ever called me.

SPEAKER_01 1:28

I've called you before.

SPEAKER_04 1:29

I just assumed it was a miss dial.

SPEAKER_01 1:30

Oh, okay, fair enough. But you were on set.

SPEAKER_04 1:32

I was on set with Scarjoe. Yeah, yeah, your girl.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

So did you ask her out?

SPEAKER_04 1:37

No. No, that's frowned upon. And apparently she has that's uh that SNL husband guy.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

I always forget about him. Don't you always forget about Colin Joast?

SPEAKER_04 1:45

I like Colin Joast. I think he's handsome and funny. I mean And I say that in a very hetero way.

SPEAKER_01 1:50

Naturally. Okay, we need to talk about that.

SPEAKER_04 1:52

Who do you think is the better-looking of the two?

SPEAKER_01 1:54

Oh, Scar Joe.

SPEAKER_04 1:56

Yeah?

SPEAKER_01 1:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:57

Okay. Do you think it's good for him to be the uh way less famous, less successful, less good looking one, yet at the same time he is handsome, success successful, and yes, because I don't trust a man that's too pretty.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

If a man is too pretty and he looks like just beautiful, there's something wrong with you. You know you're so pretty.

SPEAKER_04 2:16

Like he's a serial killer, or like he's has some.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Or like a serial dater, or like, yeah, demons. Okay. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 2:22

So in any relationship, you need to be the best looking one.

SPEAKER_01 2:24

Yeah, I think it's weird. That's why you bring me on the show. Exactly. And that's why Dave is here.

SPEAKER_04 2:30

Thanks. Your acquaintance, Dave.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

My acquaintance, Dave.

SPEAKER_04 2:33

And what name did I give you when you couldn't figure out my last name?

unknown 2:36

What was that?

SPEAKER_04 2:36

Remember what I texted you? Hazelnut.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Hazelnut. Yeah, why'd why was it hazelnut? Out of all the nuts. Dave hazelnut. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:44

Do you frown upon the hazel of the nut? Do you have a it's not my favorite nut.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

My favorite nut's probably like an almond.

SPEAKER_04 2:51

I thought you'd be like a pistachio girl.

SPEAKER_01 2:52

Oh, I do like pistachio. I just haven't gotten so into it. Speaking of different nuts and stuff, do you see this drink?

SPEAKER_04 2:58

Yeah, I was wondering what you put in it. Because you're known for putting stuff in drinks.

SPEAKER_01 3:02

I am known for putting stuff in their words in drinks. What's in it? This is, it's a new Starbucks thing. It is a Grande iced Ube, Ubi shaken espresso with coconut cream. So we looked up what Ubi Ube's are.

SPEAKER_04 3:18

Is that the purple stuff?

SPEAKER_01 3:19

Yeah, it's a yam.

SPEAKER_04 3:20

You have yam in your iced coffee?

SPEAKER_01 3:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:23

How does it taste?

SPEAKER_01 3:24

Like great, because they mixed it with coconut and stuff.

SPEAKER_04 3:27

Give it to me. Can I have some?

SPEAKER_01 3:29

Yeah, try some. Do you like the McDonald's straw?

SPEAKER_04 3:33

You probably have a bunch of these in your purse, don't you?

SPEAKER_01 3:35

I love a McDonald's straw. So it doesn't taste like yams.

SPEAKER_04 3:39

No, it's interesting.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

Right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:41

Yeah, that's interesting.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

It's not bad. I think it's like very good.

SPEAKER_04 3:44

Would your head explode if you went into Starbucks and just said, can I get a coffee?

SPEAKER_01 3:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 3:48

Without 15 different things on it.

SPEAKER_01 3:50

Yeah, I think it would be well, okay.

SPEAKER_04 3:52

You would seizure and fall to the floor.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

No, I'm not usually crazy with my requests on coffee. But let me tell you, last week I brought my sister someplace and she's like, I have an easy coffee order. She sends it to me. It's seven steps. Count them. Seven steps.

SPEAKER_04 4:06

She said that was easy.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

And she said it was easy. And then she used the excuse of, Taylor, I'm gluten-free and I have a nut allergy, so like I have to be specific. What am I gonna say to that? No, die? Like, yeah, I'm gonna buy you your seven step eight dollar coffee. Like, Jesus Christ. So I thought I was difficult. No, she's way more difficult with that.

SPEAKER_04 4:25

Okay. Is this even on the menu, or do you walk into every place where you order stuff and just ask for yams in it?

unknown 4:30

No, I should though.

SPEAKER_04 4:31

Kick a mac and cheese with ube? Ube?

SPEAKER_01 4:33

With a little bit of ube on it. Watch us be pronouncing it so wrong. And that's it's gonna get me in trouble. Um, okay. So I want to start out the podcast with something that I put on social media and I put it on threads.

SPEAKER_05 4:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

And I didn't come up with this. I was not the first person to say this. So, and I put that out there. I'm not the first person to say this in the history of man. Let me read you what I put. And then I'm gonna read everybody all the responses from men with their handles because a lot of them have families and they should be held accountable for the things that they say to women on the internet. Let's weep. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 5:08

Jesus.

unknown 5:10

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Women are the only beings that are attracted to their biggest predator.

SPEAKER_04 5:15

I remember that. I saw that. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:17

So I say this. These are some of my favorite comments back from some of your least favorite men.

SPEAKER_02 5:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

Who is the greatest threat against babies, though? Jamal Aldwards 93. Abortion joke. Not funny. The vast majority of men are provenly non-toxic, violent, or predators. They just want to get through life. There, fixed it for you. By more 41975. We're gonna get into the more aggressive ones. I wanted to start with some small. Amex.lux with a shortlist photo as his profile photo here. Are you over card? No. Mr. underscore official three. What y'all are leaving out is generally when a man becomes a predator, he was assaulted by a woman, and she's the one that made him become a predator.

SPEAKER_04 6:09

I didn't know that's how it works. Did he say y'all in it? Yeah. Okay. He told me.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

Zero one twenty-three said, You bitches, just be saying the stupidest shit.

SPEAKER_02 6:20

Who is that?

SPEAKER_01 6:21

Juan23.

SPEAKER_02 6:23

Seven years. I gotta follow him. That's funny. That's good.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

And then John Hancock, creative, 9343. No, I'm sorry, 9344 says, tell us that it's not as big of a problem as you want it to be. Or I would just tell you that women are effing. Which one is it? You have a family. So let me repeat that. John Hancock 9344. That's what you say to women on the internet. Craven underscore motorhead 420 says, that's funny, but women have killed more people with abortion than any war ever has. I hope, I hope something bad happens to you. From the bottom of my heart, I do. Hot blooded mess said the personal favorite. OMG, shut the fuck up. You weak ass little fuck. Maybe hit the gym and buff up so you can fuck up some fuckers then. You're not wrong. I could do that.

SPEAKER_04 7:19

Wow, that's good. Using the F-word four times in an eight-word sentence, that's pretty impressive.

SPEAKER_01 7:23

And then this is my favorite. This is actually a favorite one. D K I L B Y 21 says, with a photo with him, his grandmother, and his siblings. Says, what an amazing you are. I wonder what your grandmom would think of that.

SPEAKER_04 7:41

They love that word, don't they?

SPEAKER_01 7:42

They love that word. Yeah. And from Chris Gale, 924. And you guys get mad at us when we call you dumb fucking bitches. And like, I'm just gonna do a nice, I'm gonna put all of their handles and all of these screenshots right here when we go into editing. But just so just so you can get a little glimpse. These are the type of men that are replying, yeah, that's attractive. That's attractive. So to everyone that replied, thank you for helping me with my engagement. That was a great thing for me to post because.

SPEAKER_04 8:11

Did you comment back to any of these people?

SPEAKER_01 8:13

No, but I liked most of them. Did you? Did you just like it? Oh, and then the person It's very passive aggressive.

SPEAKER_04 8:18

A person. Like I read it and you tried to offend me, but I'm just gonna like it and move on.

SPEAKER_01 8:21

You know what? And I had to take a screenshot. They did their deep diving. So we had over 400 replies to this. Someone took a screenshot of my husband, Nate, and said, sorry to hear that he's a predator. He seems like a nice guy, though. And I never said my husband, but I did LOL at that. That was really well played and very well done on there. It is very good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:44

So you've got a fan, Nate. I've got a fan. I replied to that. Did you see that? No, what did you say? I said the only time I'm a predator is when you got a cheesesteak sitting in front of me. Ain't no hands gonna be left on a body if you try and have cheese steaks.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

Very unique, very different approach. Yeah, we love that for you. Um yeah, and we love the internet. Wow. Isn't that crazy?

SPEAKER_04 9:03

Did we love the internet?

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Yeah, I think that was amazing. That was great. I loved the rage-baited response because I'm not bothered, but they are.

SPEAKER_04 9:10

I remember seeing it. I still don't understand threads. I think I'm on it, maybe. I think I signed up and they got rid of it because they didn't understand it. But I did see that on TikTok.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

I did put it on TikTok as well.

SPEAKER_04 9:20

And I wasn't sure it was the end of it, so I watched it again because not only was it very short for anything that you do, but I was like, I wonder if she's gonna expand on this. Oh, that's it. Okay, that's it. Yeah, and just that created this amount of rage from people.

SPEAKER_01 9:33

I know it's crazy. I was gonna take it down, and then I did that last time something went viral, and I wish I didn't take it down. Yeah, no, definitely.

SPEAKER_04 9:41

It brings the best out of people.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

I think it does, and I think it's gonna be really funny when like they see their names popped up on social media.

SPEAKER_04 9:47

And if it wasn't for that, the first 10 minutes of this podcast would be nothing. It'd just be us staring at a camera.

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Exactly. They created content, and that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_04 9:54

Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

Thanks, thank you, everyone.

SPEAKER_04 9:57

Content creators is what they are.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

It's what they are, yes.

SPEAKER_04 9:59

You can help them with their brand.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

I don't want to help any men with their brands, to be completely clear. Yep, no, Taylor Brick Media does not help men, and that is actually let's talk about a man that I was on the phone with yesterday.

SPEAKER_04 10:12

Parole officer?

SPEAKER_01 10:13

No. So I have a web guy, and his name is Nick. Hi, Nick.

SPEAKER_04 10:16

Hi, Nick.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

Code Nimbus Web Design. They designed my new website. We love them. Nick is very funny. Nick is still professional, right? So he doesn't live here. We do Zoom calls. He he's great at responding. He has WhatsApp, so like he's like on it.

SPEAKER_03 10:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:30

Last night, he goes, Hey, Taylor, I want to show you just some iterations on your website. Do you have time to get off like two minutes?

SPEAKER_04 10:36

That's a good word, iterations.

SPEAKER_01 10:37

And I said, gosh, or Nick, whatever. Anything for you, friend. We get on the phone, me and you. And he goes, Okay, I'm gonna rearrange this YouTube video and this short and this, and like let's put these people here. And he goes, I gotta ask you, what's mutton busting? Yes! And I said, You mean one of my highest grossing episodes literally ever? And I didn't leave it there. I said, guess. Nate grabbed my arm across the table and he was like, Don't make him guess. He doesn't want to guess. He's trying to be professional.

SPEAKER_04 11:10

Do you know where he lives? Is he a local guy or so?

SPEAKER_01 11:12

He lives in Texas.

SPEAKER_04 11:13

Okay. Oh, he might know this.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

So he might know. He's not originally from Texas, though. So I don't know how long he's been in Texas. We've only known each other like six months. So like I'm I'm treading on water. But I say, no, guess. And he goes, Well, um, muttons are like goat or sheep or something like that. And I said, Yeah, and he goes, busting brings out a lot of uncomfortable emotions for me. I was like, no, it's like the little kids.

SPEAKER_04 11:36

He went way further. He went way further. Saying it's little kids makes it better.

SPEAKER_01 11:40

No, I was like, it's little kids on top of things like sheep or goats, and then they like fight, not to the death, but like until they fall off. And he was like, Oh, okay, I learned something new, but it was so uncomfortable for him, so I do feel bad. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:51

Nice.

SPEAKER_01 11:52

But he could have brought that to the dinner table last night.

SPEAKER_04 11:54

He could have, you know, he did.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

You know he probably did.

SPEAKER_04 11:57

Button busting.

SPEAKER_01 11:58

I just love that we're influencing people and educating them at the same time.

SPEAKER_04 12:01

It's what the show is all about. I also appreciate how the last couple guests you've had have been a therapist, a menopause expert, and then just randomly me and your husband get thrown in there. So it's like both, it's like the yin and the yang, right?

SPEAKER_01 12:15

We gotta have the mental health moments. Yeah. And then this is when like we get to be our true selves. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 12:20

I also have to say I appreciate how uh your jacket matches your bag.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

Thank you so much. Great opportunity to bring up Rent the Runway. This is where I got the bag and the earrings, which are a little, they're a little much for me, but I think they they fit the vibe, the aesthetic. They're Oscar dealer renta. The bag is gani. And if you want to get 50% off of your first month at Rent the Runway, you can use my code RTRX Taylor Brooke. I'll put it on the screen. I'll leave a link in the description.

SPEAKER_04 12:48

You have to turn it so the logo is facing the camera.

SPEAKER_01 12:50

I didn't even have to logo facing the camera. And this little I'm a novice. I'm a novice at this.

SPEAKER_04 12:55

Teach you everything.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

I've obviously never done an ad before.

SPEAKER_04 12:58

It matches my underwear too, so that's great. We'll sh we'll do that in the last quarter hour. Oh, okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

All right. Um I I don't know what to say to that.

SPEAKER_04 13:06

I have something for you. Okay. I prepare. I was up till the wee hours of the morning. And drinking a beer at the No, that well, yeah, that was yeah, this morning it's like 10. Yeah, at 10. Uh, because uh it was pouring rain, so my dog hates the rain, so he couldn't go for a long walk. I wasn't working today, so I'm like, well, what did people do at 10 a.m.?

SPEAKER_01 13:24

They drank.

SPEAKER_04 13:25

I might as well have a beer.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Yeah, why not? What kind of beer was it? I didn't recognize it.

SPEAKER_04 13:28

Uh some amber beer.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 13:31

I don't know. Anything with amber is good. I've dated a lot of amber.

SPEAKER_01 13:34

I was just gonna make an amber joke. Okay. Beat me to it. Beat me to it.

SPEAKER_04 13:37

No, I didn't like any of them, so go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

Oh no, I was gonna say an amber. I was gonna say amber, I barely know her. We got them, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:45

So I've made these staggering notes. I'll you can't look, I'll show the camera. That it's two, it's two pages, two-sided.

SPEAKER_01 13:51

This looks like the notes you've from your fans.

SPEAKER_04 13:56

Dave, except the signed in plugs or the letters cut out, put on my windshield.

SPEAKER_01 14:00

Everyone thinks we're joking, but this has actually happened.

SPEAKER_04 14:03

So um I went on your Facebook as far back as Facebook will go, so 2009 for you, and I wrote down all the best Taylor posts.

unknown 14:15

Stop.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

This is awful for me.

SPEAKER_04 14:17

So we're gonna start with this. I'm gonna give you, I have five.

SPEAKER_01 14:21

Sweating.

SPEAKER_04 14:22

I have five.

SPEAKER_01 14:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 14:24

And uh you have to let me know. Oh, you actually sweating, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

Because like I posted a lot of weird stuff.

SPEAKER_04 14:31

Yeah. Well, so that's what I want to preface it is that if you think the stuff that Taylor says is due to like a long life of substance and chemical abuse, this is proof that it's not, because she's been like this since she was 13 years old. Um so the first five here are going to be uh you have to let me know if they're things you actually posted on Facebook or if they're things I made up.

SPEAKER_01 14:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 14:55

All right. Here's the first one. I spent the longest time looking for Chicago on a map till I realized Chicago wasn't a state.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

I said that.

SPEAKER_04 15:04

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 15:05

February of 2012. You did say that.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

I remember it was it was a hard day in geography class for me that day, let me tell you.

SPEAKER_04 15:11

How old are you in 2012? I mean, that would be 14.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

So 15. I guess that was 15.

SPEAKER_04 15:17

Okay. I got two awards for my specialty today, being dramatic.

SPEAKER_01 15:24

I probably posted that because that's true. I got two drama awards at one time. You did, yeah, 2015.

SPEAKER_04 15:29

Okay, here's the third one. I think there's a ghost in my room.

SPEAKER_01 15:33

At one point, I did think there was a ghost in my room because of this guitar thing that happened. I think maybe I said it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 15:39

You did 2011. Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

Okay, I'm doing good.

SPEAKER_04 15:43

These are some tight pants.

SPEAKER_01 15:47

I could have said it. I probably No, I wouldn't have said that because that would have implied when I was younger, I was very fixated. Mental health moment on my weight. I would have never said that because I would have thought I was considered fat.

SPEAKER_04 15:57

You did February of 2015.

SPEAKER_01 15:59

I said that?

SPEAKER_04 16:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:01

No.

SPEAKER_04 16:02

Here's the last one.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Bitch, what was wrong with you?

SPEAKER_04 16:04

I'm choosing to believe the February issue of Vogue and an endless amount of gossip girl and dove chocolates will cure me of this evil cold.

SPEAKER_01 16:12

Yes, and I wrote that sitting next to one of my best friends, Candidate.

SPEAKER_04 16:15

Do you remember doing that?

SPEAKER_01 16:16

I do, yep.

SPEAKER_04 16:16

Holy cow, 2015.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Yes, because we were seniors and different high schools and we were both sick. Did it work? Yeah, it worked, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 16:23

I think enough.

SPEAKER_04 16:25

So now for the rest of these, there's a lot of them. I'm just gonna roll through them. I was gonna make a top 10 list, but they're all so amazing. Oh my god. This is just gonna be rapid fire. There's about 20 more, okay? Alrighty. And if at any point you want to interject or chime in. Okay. All right, here we go. Or you want to know like what year it was or anything like that? I wrote down everything. I went so far back it froze my computer. So that's why 2009 is far back as I could go and let me go back anymore. All right. I need a new computer, by the way. It's a whole nother thing. All right, here we go. I'm in one of those moods where I want to stop studying and have a spontaneous dance party. Does anybody know how to make a histogram on XL? I may or may not have done a whole music video to shake it off.

SPEAKER_00 17:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:09

A real friend is someone who goes through and likes every one of your 312 Instagram photos. Time to watch Gone with the Wind.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

I love Gone with the Wind, too.

SPEAKER_04 17:18

I'm watching football and actually enjoy it.

unknown 17:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

Eagles won that year. Did they? Am I right? Didn't the Eagles win the Super Bowl that year?

SPEAKER_04 17:26

Uh that was 2013.

SPEAKER_01 17:27

Oh, so nope, didn't.

SPEAKER_04 17:28

No. Just filmed a movie with Rainier. Too bad I forgot to turn on the sound on the video camera.

SPEAKER_01 17:34

I remember that very, very vividly, yes.

SPEAKER_04 17:37

If you put ice cubes in hot water, does the water get cold or do the ice cubes melt?

SPEAKER_01 17:42

Let's talk about it. What happens?

SPEAKER_04 17:45

What does happen? There was there was a uh like a science teacher who did comment under it something about cold is the absence of temperature or something, so it wouldn't make the water cold, the heat would get absorbed into the ice and melt the ice. Does that sound right? It sounds about it was uh that was in yeah, July of 2012.

SPEAKER_01 18:03

Wow. Okay. We're learning things.

SPEAKER_04 18:05

Dear people who keep emailing me, I am not interested in Christian singles over 50, a lint lizard, or turning my backyard into a hummingbird feeder.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

I hate birds, so that checks out.

SPEAKER_04 18:17

About to fill up my car with gas, really hoping I don't get gasoline all over myself this time.

SPEAKER_01 18:21

Yep. Yep, facts. I really don't fill up my car with gas that much. The last time I did it was probably with you when we went to the gas station across the street.

SPEAKER_04 18:28

I had to film it. I had to film it. I was shocked you could do that. Uh I actually really like the new iPhone update.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

It sounds like me rage baiting.

SPEAKER_04 18:36

Totally going to start sending myself flowers.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

You know what? I was in a fight with a boyfriend, and I was like, you don't send me enough flowers. And then I posted on Facebook, and then we got into a bigger fight.

SPEAKER_04 18:47

Great.

SPEAKER_01 18:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:48

I really hate science.

SPEAKER_01 18:49

Yeah, checks out and geography and math.

SPEAKER_04 18:52

Someone booked me at Helium because I'm hilarious.

SPEAKER_01 18:55

Yes. A Helium Comedy Club. I thought it's still open. That offer is still on the table. Book me. I'll do it 20% off for you guys.

SPEAKER_04 19:02

January 19th, 2011. I love Pop Tarts.

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:06

And there's a uh Hennessy as a salon. They posted a pic of a girl's hair, which is clearly you. You commented, OMG. I literally saw this picture and thought, wow, she looks just like me.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

It was my old hairstylist, Jill. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:22

Just found a quarter. I'm so lame. I wish I weren't so confused. I can give you 10% off takeout.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

I can. I could.

SPEAKER_04 19:34

When no one questions why you're dancing to Hannah and using a whisk as a microphone.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Senior week. That was senior week.

SPEAKER_04 19:40

Going to work consists of people repeatedly pointing out how much I look like Taylor Mommsen.

SPEAKER_01 19:45

That happened for a solid year. A solid year. Anyone over the age of like maybe 25, 30 would come up to me and be like, oh my God, you know, you look just like Taylor Mommsen. And then I stopped doing the eyeliner so thick because I think that was it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 19:58

If you remember uh at the beginning of this, back in 2013, you mentioned that you like watching football. It's also from 2013.

SPEAKER_01 20:04

Great.

SPEAKER_04 20:05

I think I like the puppy bowl better than actual football.

SPEAKER_01 20:08

That holds true. That's the best part of the Super Bowl.

SPEAKER_04 20:11

I love my mom's homemade pasta sauce.

SPEAKER_01 20:13

Aw, mom, I love you.

SPEAKER_04 20:14

11 months later, I love it when my mom makes homemade pasta sauce.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

She does it once a year.

SPEAKER_04 20:21

And then my two favorites, this is from uh November of 2009, pancakes. My other favorite from July of 2011, I like to meow on a Sunday afternoon.

SPEAKER_01 20:33

I did not post that, but yes, I remember that being posted. Yep.

SPEAKER_04 20:37

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

Yep. I left my phone in uh someone's apartment in college, and then they just started posting on my social media for me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:44

Nice.

SPEAKER_01 20:44

It was awful. Yeah, it was awful. I was really mad.

SPEAKER_04 20:47

Are you blaming them for all of these?

SPEAKER_01 20:48

No, no, just so that's just the last one. I like to meow like a cat.

SPEAKER_04 20:51

You like this?

SPEAKER_01 20:52

I would this is awesome. This is so funny.

SPEAKER_04 20:56

The amount of times you mentioned having a Manny and Petty, and I I did not include that. I I lost count after a while. Yeah. But your nails always look great. So thank you.

SPEAKER_01 21:03

And this is the one time I don't have them done right now. Wow, so embarrassing. This is awesome.

SPEAKER_04 21:08

That's a lot.

SPEAKER_01 21:09

This is a lot.

SPEAKER_04 21:10

There is a lot going through your head.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

That's scary. It's scary when it's written out like this.

SPEAKER_04 21:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:15

Like it looks like a serial killer list. You know what you want me to frame that? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I think that'd be great.

SPEAKER_04 21:21

All right, because we have what 360 days till your next birthday?

SPEAKER_01 21:24

Something like that? Okay, let's let's address the elephant in the room. Did you really go to Chicago last weekend?

SPEAKER_04 21:30

I did go to Chicago.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

Can you prove it? Do you have any photos from Chicago? Could your niece Ellie prove it? Could she say, yes, Dave was there?

SPEAKER_04 21:41

She could.

SPEAKER_01 21:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 21:42

Then then if I told her ahead of time.

SPEAKER_01 21:46

I think, listeners, I think that Dave skipped my birthday last weekend. And I think he skipped my birthday because he doesn't want to have sex with one of my friends.

SPEAKER_04 21:55

Oh, I'll have sex with one of your friends this weekend. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 22:00

I don't even need to know who they are.

SPEAKER_01 22:02

Are you uh sad that you missed it?

SPEAKER_04 22:04

Very sad.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

A lot of stuff happened. There was a stripper pole.

SPEAKER_04 22:08

Who used the stripper pole?

SPEAKER_01 22:10

Everybody at the party.

SPEAKER_04 22:11

Oh, I fell. Yeah. Really? Kimber. Oh, I see.

SPEAKER_01 22:16

And then uh David, he the pole fell. He was twirling and the pole fell. There's a mark in our hardwood now. No, I'm not sure. We have to fix drywall.

SPEAKER_04 22:24

From husband Nate?

SPEAKER_01 22:25

From David and Husband Nate. Okay.

unknown 22:27

I did the drywall.

SPEAKER_04 22:28

He did the full. Oh yeah. Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_01 22:30

So men can't go on the pole. Yeah. But it was filled with Dr. Pepper and Corsolite and tequila and cigarettes. It was awesome.

SPEAKER_02 22:39

It's all you.

SPEAKER_01 22:40

It was all me. It is all right. It was incredible. And I had five friends there. The perfect amount.

SPEAKER_04 22:45

That is the perfect amount. You really don't need any more than that.

SPEAKER_01 22:47

You really don't.

SPEAKER_04 22:48

So I wouldn't have been allowed in.

SPEAKER_01 22:49

No, you were counting.

SPEAKER_04 22:50

Would I have to wait for someone to go outside to smoke and then I could go in?

SPEAKER_01 22:52

No. No, you and Michelle were counted in the group, the core group. Okay. Yeah, you guys were counting.

SPEAKER_04 22:57

Can you redo it?

SPEAKER_01 22:57

I could redo it. We could have another party. Yeah. We can have another party. I love having a party.

SPEAKER_04 23:02

Right? As long as it's in the same month, you can do it.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

That's true. Or I could just have a party for the fun of it.

SPEAKER_04 23:07

What should I bring you?

SPEAKER_01 23:09

Tequila? I have a new phone case.

SPEAKER_04 23:12

Oh, that's awesome. So when people are like, What happened to Larry David?

SPEAKER_01 23:15

Larry David's gone. That's old news. New news is Michael George.

SPEAKER_04 23:19

So it's really bald men. I thought it was old white guys, but now it's just bald men.

SPEAKER_01 23:23

Maybe it is bald men.

SPEAKER_04 23:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

Maybe maybe. I mean, I do love Nate's grandfather, and he too is bald.

SPEAKER_04 23:30

Is that right? Well.

SPEAKER_01 23:33

Okay, dating question for you.

unknown 23:36

God.

SPEAKER_01 23:36

Okay, the girl's hot. You vibe with her.

SPEAKER_04 23:39

I'm in. It doesn't matter what comes next.

SPEAKER_01 23:41

She's a virgin. What do you do?

unknown 23:45

Her?

SPEAKER_04 23:45

Well, number one, I wouldn't date her because that means she's 12.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

No. Say she's say she's 28.

SPEAKER_04 23:52

Okay. She's hot and 28?

SPEAKER_01 23:54

She's hot and 28 and she's and wants to hang out with me. And she just hasn't had sex yet.

SPEAKER_04 23:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

Okay. What if she wouldn't have sex with you until you guys were married?

SPEAKER_04 24:02

By sex, does that include blowjobs?

SPEAKER_01 24:03

No.

SPEAKER_04 24:04

Oh, then yeah, I'm in.

SPEAKER_01 24:05

Really?

SPEAKER_04 24:06

Yeah, that's great. Can't knock her up if it's going in that way.

SPEAKER_01 24:09

True. I feel like blowjobs aren't sex, though. Like, I feel like that's not sex. If we're like being really specific, I don't think a blowjob is sex.

SPEAKER_02 24:18

I wish I wish you could see like the mate's face. He hasn't blinked this whole time.

SPEAKER_01 24:23

I don't think it I mean, I feel like sex is like there's like penetration. There's no penetration with a blowjob. Well. Not really. Not in that way. I don't think so. I don't think a blowjob is sex.

SPEAKER_04 24:37

What else isn't sex? In the butt.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

In the well, see, that's sex.

SPEAKER_04 24:42

That's sex.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

That's sex, because there's like active penetration.

SPEAKER_04 24:45

So two out of the three holes are sex.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 24:47

If you could fit in an ear or a nostril.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

That wouldn't be sex.

SPEAKER_04 24:52

How about people do like hand stuff or foot stuff?

SPEAKER_01 24:54

No sex.

SPEAKER_04 24:55

No?

SPEAKER_01 24:56

I feel like, okay. I'm gonna say something. This is like really prevalent in Bravo culture right now because people are talking about hand jobs. People are talking in the city, summer house, like there is a spinoff that the that's happening. And Lindsay Hubbard had dated, allegedly, uh Carl Radke. And then after they broke up, Danielle, this other girl, gave Carl a hand job.

SPEAKER_03 25:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 25:20

So like, not great if you're a girl's girl, but also like a hand job. She could have just like touched him real quick and like he just like I don't think it's that big of a deal. Do you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 25:31

Handjobs aren't big of a deal aren't that big of a deal.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

I think they're like kind of cringy because like you don't really gotta do anything.

SPEAKER_04 25:36

It's kinda if you're a hand job's kind of lazy.

SPEAKER_01 25:38

That's what I think.

SPEAKER_04 25:39

If you're a guy, like you could just do it yourself.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Yeah, like I think that's kind of like eh.

SPEAKER_04 25:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

It's uncomfortable. And like that was the thing at like movie theaters, or like when you where you when you grew up. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:47

You cut the hole in the bottom of the popcorn thing and then you put the bucket there.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

Oh no, no. That's a big thing. And then she reaches in. Yeah. That is not a thing.

SPEAKER_04 25:54

You dump off half, you dump out half the popcorn and you put it there. Yeah. Why do you think people go to movies for dates? Because they want to see another Harrison Ford movie?

SPEAKER_01 26:04

I don't know. I didn't think the popcorn bucket was molested.

SPEAKER_04 26:08

Yes, the popcorn penis, yep.

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 26:11

You didn't know about this?

SPEAKER_01 26:13

No. No. I don't go to movies. I don't go to the movie theater.

SPEAKER_04 26:18

When's the last time you went to a theater with a boy?

SPEAKER_01 26:19

Um, Nate. And we went and sold the Batman.

SPEAKER_04 26:22

Did he get a giant thing of popcorn?

SPEAKER_01 26:23

No.

unknown 26:25

You did.

SPEAKER_01 26:26

I probably did, yeah. I don't that's crazy.

SPEAKER_04 26:30

It doesn't work as well when a girl is. It doesn't work as well, it's not the girl. It better reach really far down in that bucket.

SPEAKER_01 26:34

I cannot believe that. That's crazy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 26:37

Oh, I let me ask you this. Um, so you don't believe I went to Chicago?

SPEAKER_01 26:41

Yeah, it feels like really convenient.

SPEAKER_04 26:42

Part of my trip to Chicago was going to the University of Iowa, where I went to school for my nephew's graduation. Or am I making all this up? So uh the commencement speaker was a kid. He did okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:56

Um but then the commencement speaker's watching messing fuck.

SPEAKER_04 27:00

He's all right. So then uh so I went online and apparently, just like this past week or so, one of the best commencement speeches as was at North Carolina, Eric Church, uh gave a fantastic, I don't know if you saw it. Um, granted, it's 18 minutes long. Oh so I had to watch it in like four installments. I don't have that kind of attention. But it was brilliant. So you teach.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:20

Would you, if you were asked to give the commencement speech, would you would you be able to come up with something? I think so. Or would it be or would it be just like this podcast where it'd be 40 minutes of just rambling topics, you're drinking a coffee. I think pop an edible.

SPEAKER_01 27:34

I'd probably still pop an edible before I did the commencement speech, to be honest. Um, I think I'd be good at I think I would do a good job, but I think if one minor thing happened the morning of that like ticked me off or something, then I would make the whole speech about that. Like if someone didn't hold the door for me or something, I would be like, you know what's wrong with this generation, actually? And this is You little fuckers! Yeah, literally. Yeah. Oh, something weird that happened to my last day of class. We talk about me being a professor. I brought the kids. I've I don't know why I can't get over this. I brought the children Wawa coffee.

SPEAKER_03 28:07

Okay. All of them?

SPEAKER_01 28:08

Yeah, I got like a big thing from Wawa.

SPEAKER_03 28:09

Oh, one thing, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:10

No one drank it. I was like, Do you guys think I'm gonna poison you? Like, are they scared of me? They didn't drink, they didn't touch the coffee. It was the last class.

SPEAKER_04 28:17

Are you serious?

SPEAKER_01 28:18

Yeah. They didn't touch. What is wrong with these kids? That's what I was like, do you guys not like Wawa? And one kid was like very kind and he was like, No, like I already got my coffee this morning. And I was like, then what's wrong with the rest of you?

SPEAKER_04 28:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:29

They didn't drink it, they didn't touch it.

SPEAKER_04 28:31

You failed them all, right?

SPEAKER_01 28:33

No, but I did give someone a zero for their final.

SPEAKER_04 28:37

What did they do?

SPEAKER_01 28:38

They didn't turn it in.

SPEAKER_04 28:40

What was what was the final?

SPEAKER_01 28:41

It was a paper.

SPEAKER_04 28:42

Okay. And you actually go through and read all the papers, or did you just look and see if there's like ink on the page like A plus?

SPEAKER_01 28:50

No, I actually like go through and read because in prior semesters people have tried to get away with the like blah blah blah, blah, blah, blah.

SPEAKER_04 28:57

If I submitted this.

SPEAKER_01 28:59

I would give you an eye.

SPEAKER_04 29:00

Even though there's no pictures drawn on it.

SPEAKER_01 29:02

No, I would give you an eye. Actually, funny enough, their cell phone photography final assignment had nothing to do with photos. Maybe that's why you didn't do it. Or cell phones? He was like, very fine. This is not that important to me.

SPEAKER_04 29:13

Was it write down your favorite number?

SPEAKER_01 29:15

Write down your favorite number.

SPEAKER_04 29:16

No, that's like actually I somebody put the letter W so you gave him a zero?

SPEAKER_01 29:19

No. Um, actually, I was gonna have us do math problems today because I thought about something yesterday. When's the last time you did math?

SPEAKER_04 29:27

I don't often do math.

SPEAKER_01 29:28

I don't do math ever.

SPEAKER_04 29:30

You don't have to, right? You have this. You have a calculator, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:33

I don't think like I've ever been in a situation where someone's like, can you multiply 200 times 24? Like that never happens. Yeah. Do you know how to do it though, if someone asked you? Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 29:44

It's 4,800, right?

SPEAKER_01 29:46

I I don't know. I just made up numbers.

SPEAKER_04 29:47

I looked at your husband, like, yeah, is that right? Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 29:49

Okay. Oh, wait, you're weirdly good at math. I forgot about this. This is why we didn't do the math problems. No, you're good at math. That's an odd characteristic.

SPEAKER_04 29:57

But it's a useless skill. It's like a carnival trick. Right? It's kind of it's kind of like speaking of which, and again, this is we've we've spent nine seconds on one topic, so we have to move on. Me being good at math is kind of like you with the harmonica. Have you learned any more on the harmonica? Because we had a podcast long ago where you you just brought it back from Nashville and you learn how to like blow into it.

SPEAKER_01 30:19

I have to get better at at blowing into the harmonica. Um, we'll clip that. That's actually a great segment. This is why the only sponsors we're getting are cannabis products and stuff. These are because they think we're high? Maybe.

SPEAKER_04 30:36

We should be high.

SPEAKER_01 30:37

We should be high.

SPEAKER_04 30:38

Can we do this? Remember, like in your radio days, you would have a drunk day where the police would come in and make you drink on the air. It's also an episode of like W Carope and Caesar back in the day. You would where the jocks will get hammered on the air and then they keep doing breathalyzers. It's a way to show people how you know.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

That is crazy. I just thought you meant like a Friday in the studio.

SPEAKER_04 30:56

So sure. Yeah, I mean, we'll do it without the police. We'll just get hammered.

SPEAKER_01 30:59

Just get hammered, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 31:00

Yeah. Don't you think?

SPEAKER_01 31:00

Yeah, I guess.

SPEAKER_04 31:01

Or high or both?

SPEAKER_01 31:02

Or both. Actually, the to the cannabis call that I jumped on when the very first thing that the man did is, and I respected this so much, took something out of his drawer and he lit up a blunt. And I said, Is this a sales tactic to show like to see how I react, to see if I'm gonna be like, oh my god, that's crazy. It's 9 a.m. It's 9 a.m. But like he was like, Yeah, kind of. And I was like, I think that's cool shit. And he, like, they're all southern, so they were like, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_04 31:28

I'm surprised you didn't do something more random. Like you reach to the side and you take out a chainsaw and just what I do at 9 a.m.

SPEAKER_01 31:35

They're like, yeah, okay, bitch. We're not working with you. No thanks. Absolutely no. Um, actually, we do have some like other partnerships in the works, which is they're like a little more mainstream, which I'm like, Puma! Puma! Okay, should I tell my puma story?

SPEAKER_04 31:50

Fuckers. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:51

So I ran into this girl not long ago and she was really nice to me, but we never forgive, we forgive, we forget, but we never let it go. In second grade, I didn't get a pair of pumas. I got a pair of sparkly shoes. My parents bought me sparkly shoes.

SPEAKER_04 32:04

It seems like it's right up your alley. Totally. Sparkly shoes.

SPEAKER_01 32:06

Also, I was in second fucking grade. Sparkly shoes were cool. And there were like seven people in my class. I went to a very small, sheltered school. This one girl in the bathroom looked at my shoes and I said, Do you like my new shoes? Because I'm adorable. And she said, would have been cooler if there were Pumas. So, Puma, help me get revenge. Help me be the cool girl. Because at one point in my life, I want to be the cool girl. And I never forgot that.

SPEAKER_04 32:34

I'm surprised Puma probably has a shoe that hasn't combined, like sparklies on like glitter shoes, don't you think?

SPEAKER_01 32:38

I feel like they must, yeah. Yeah. But she was really proud of it. Really match the earrings. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 32:44

Do you rem are you allowed to say your name? Because you probably remember her name.

SPEAKER_01 32:47

I do. I'll bleep it. Yep, I remember. And actually, now she's an influencer.

SPEAKER_04 32:52

Is she really?

SPEAKER_01 32:53

She is, and she gets she gets a lot of good deals and and stuff. So like I'm happy for her from afar.

SPEAKER_04 32:58

So maybe she does have some good, you know, sense of style, and maybe maybe she helped you out a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 33:02

No. I don't think she helped me out even a little bit. I think she was just mean and jealous.

SPEAKER_04 33:07

If we do get some Puma money, are you gonna throw it right back in her face?

SPEAKER_01 33:10

Well, I feel like when she sees this clip, she's gonna know. Or she like doesn't remember and she's like, that's not about me. Nope, not my problem.

SPEAKER_04 33:18

In her defense and defense of every normal, rational human being, doesn't it seem odd that you do still remember this with such vivid clarity?

SPEAKER_01 33:25

Yeah. Yeah. No, it's it's a problem. When Nate and I first got together, I remembered this one boy, Chase, from when I was in kindergarten. And Chase was mean to me at one point, and I was like, you know what? Chase is probably a fucking loser now. So I couldn't find him anyway. I didn't know his last name. I went to my parents' house, looked at my yearbooks, couldn't find the yearbook because it was kindergarten. I go into the basement and they're like locked, like sweet.

SPEAKER_04 33:48

When did you do this?

SPEAKER_01 33:49

Uh maybe like five years ago.

SPEAKER_04 33:51

And this happened in kindergarten.

SPEAKER_01 33:52

Yeah. And so they had one like booklet from kindergarten and it had his name, and it was Chase something here. Fucking surgeon. Yeah, a surgeon. And I was like, I can't believe this. I was upset. Nate was like, you don't know this man. My parents were like, you met them for like nine months, T. Like, I was like, no, but he was so self-centered, and he would always say, Chase, like me, I'm a verb, too.

SPEAKER_04 34:16

And I'm like, Chase isn't a seven years old.

SPEAKER_01 34:20

So annoying. The independence.

SPEAKER_04 34:23

Do you keep a diary?

SPEAKER_01 34:24

Yeah, I have a list of everyone that has wronged me, and I will never forget.

SPEAKER_04 34:28

You've called out three people in the last five minutes.

SPEAKER_01 34:31

Yeah, and I'm not on good terms with my lawyer right now, so that's the big problem for me all the way around.

SPEAKER_04 34:36

Who's the Colton person?

SPEAKER_01 34:37

Colton Schmidty, he's a creator, he has like almost a million followers. Okay. He had me do outreach for him.

unknown 34:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

And I'm not cheap. I'm not cheap unless you're Dave's fake friend, then I'm cheap. But I'm not cheap. Send him a bill for $2,900 and then he blocked me. You can't just send.

SPEAKER_04 34:55

Can you do that when you get a bill? Can I do that to Bank of America? Chase? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:00

That's all you do. Chase.

unknown 35:03

Fuckers, Chase.

SPEAKER_01 35:03

You know what? Yeah. Fuck. Okay, um, we're gonna end this podcast here.

unknown 35:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 35:07

Right on that.

SPEAKER_04 35:08

Just I but there's so much rage. End with something positive.

SPEAKER_01 35:12

I don't have anything positive to say. Come back next week. Come back next week. Um go to Rent the Runway, get 50% off your first month. You're welcome. It's RTRX Taylor Brook is the code.

SPEAKER_04 35:25

2015 Taylor will give you 10% off takeout.

SPEAKER_01 35:28

Woo! Thanks for listening, little gremlin. See you next week.