Taylor Taylor Taylor Show
Taylor’s got the charm of your funniest friend, the wisdom of someone who’s Googled it at 2 a.m., and the guts to spill the tea on her own life, embarrassing moments and all. Whether she’s interviewing intriguing guests, sharing industry secrets, promoting female rage, pop culture, or riffing on whatever’s trending, she’ll have you hooked faster than you can say “Taylor” (three times, obviously). It’s equal parts laugh therapy, real talk, and the kind of chaos you didn’t know you needed in your life.
Taylor Taylor Taylor Show
DNA, BDE & RIP ft. Dave Cruise
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Dave Cruise is back, and after his adoption story reached more than 5 million viewers, Taylor decides it is finally time to test his DNA. They decode Steven Singer’s BDE billboards, investigate why Dave cannot remove a T-shirt without destroying it and revisit Taylor’s almost-career in mortuary science. Plus, Taylor gets blocked by a White Claw executive, allegedly, and continues her quest for the show’s next cease and desist. DNA, BDE and RIP. What could possibly go wrong?
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Hello, hello, hello, and welcome back to the Taylor Taylor Taylor Show. The show where we say things three times until they make sense. And I am back here today with my very best friend, Dave Cruz. No sarcastic comment to follow in. Really?
SPEAKER_00I was waiting for it. I was waiting for it.
SPEAKER_01Nothing. Wow. Pure friendship.
SPEAKER_00This has changed the energy of this whole podcast. I do not like how this is starting. Listen, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_01It makes me feel a little uncomfortable too, but I feel like I needed to tell our listeners and our fans. I'm going to drop the big F word, fans. Our 5.4 million fans that have seen your video about adoption. Can I square your bat that by the way?
SPEAKER_00I don't know if people have brought this up at all. Because thankfully you don't show me the comments. I think that's best. Yes. I just see numbers. I don't see the comments. Is uh and my mom even brought this up. For my my mom is 92, and for her birthday or Christmas or something like that, I got her one of those 23andE things, or whatever they are. You know, you spit in a cup, you send it off to China, whatever, they steal your DNA and then they tell you you're German, or however that works. Sure. Yeah. And her thing is exactly what it should be. Like Irish, everyone's from here, from there, from there. And my and because I'm adopted, my mom said, Oh, you should really do it because who knows what's floating around in here. So uh I'm what is it, what's the cost? Like 40 bucks, 50 bucks, 60 bucks?
SPEAKER_01I think it's like a hundred and something.
SPEAKER_00So I'm clearly way too cheap to spend that kind of money. But if the what do you call your business? What do you call this company of yours? Taylor Brook Media? If Taylor Brooke Media would like to would like to pay for one, I will do it. I will spit in a cup and you send it to wherever, and then we can unveil the results on this on this podcast.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00What do you think?
SPEAKER_01I will do this. And I will go even further. I'll go one level up. I'm scared of being cloned as well, but I'll do my DNA as well. Because what if we're related? Could you imagine? Like the universe is so fucked up, and somehow you're related to me. That would be that would be crazy. I mean, it would make sense.
SPEAKER_00Could I be your dad?
SPEAKER_01I mean, your name's Matt.
SPEAKER_00Sure.
unknownIt could be.
SPEAKER_00I mean, I move every nine months, but who knows? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Who knows? Yeah. I love this idea. So I think 23 Amir uh Ancestry, what it was.
SPEAKER_00One of those. One of them. Okay. Okay. We'll get one of those. Yeah. How long does it take to get it back? Do you know?
SPEAKER_01I don't. I think like weeks or something.
SPEAKER_00They churn those things out.
SPEAKER_01I do you think it's real, though? That's like the part of the.
SPEAKER_00Do you think they already have like pre-recorded results that they just send out?
SPEAKER_01Well, they're like, okay, white man, blue eyes, age whatever, born here. Okay, he's probably like German, Norwegian, Finnish.
SPEAKER_00You have a friend who uh we were talking with the other day, uh, who is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life. She thought she was French and told us that she did one, and it turns out she's Russian and Ukrainian and a whole bunch of other things.
SPEAKER_01That's why I don't believe it. Her name's Jakie. You can't be named Jakie and not be French. Like what? It doesn't check out. Okay. It doesn't check out. But who knows, maybe she is.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so yeah, so we'll figure it out. So if you're out for it, Taylor Brook Media.
SPEAKER_01Let's do it.
SPEAKER_00You can find it or get a sponsor, get a sponsor for it. Get a sponsor.
SPEAKER_01I think that's amazing. Um, my new agency would be really glad to hear that for sure.
SPEAKER_00That you're bringing money in and then you're immediately spending it on the spending it.
SPEAKER_01Yes, exactly. Um, I'm actually, I have so much merch coming to the house now. Um, for those who don't know, I signed with Double Shot Agency. We love it. We love them. And now I get so much PR. And it's amazing.
SPEAKER_00So what kind of stuff do they send you?
SPEAKER_01So some of it's fun, and you're like, oh, hair extensions. I'm obsessed. And then you get like hint water, just sent me a whole case of hint water.
SPEAKER_00What is hint water?
SPEAKER_01It's like flavored water. But you you've seen it at the Aldi.
SPEAKER_00Is there any weed in it?
SPEAKER_01No, there's no marijuana in it. But we have marijuana drinks coming, and then we get things like that, right? And then the other day, I get gummies in the mail, and I'm like, I love a gummy.
SPEAKER_00Not gonna say no to a gummy.
SPEAKER_01I'm not gonna say no. They're vitamins, I think. Maybe I'll still take it. I like I like a gummy regardless. They say tall gummies. I said, is this some sort of fucking joke? Tall because I'm short? Why are they called tall gummies? So they're gummies for kids to make them tall.
SPEAKER_00Oh, you should definitely be taking them. Do you take them all at once?
SPEAKER_01I said, what PR list will they put on where they were like, she looks like a child. Let's get her some growth gummies so she can sprout up tall.
SPEAKER_00If you worked for that company, is that's exactly what you would do. You'd be looking at all the possible people and be like, there's a short one, send her the tall gummies.
SPEAKER_01I was like, I'm being trolled, and I and I love that for me, actually. Yeah. Uh I'm also doing this fun thing now where I find all the emails of the CEOs of companies, and I find their personal email, and then I send a personal email to them from me, being like, Did you hear from my team? And I would still like the Bill Gates of the world or Yeah, like the Bill Gates of the world, and that's why I'm bringing this up because a white claw, hey, white claw, actually, hey, let me get your actual name.
SPEAKER_00John Claw.
SPEAKER_01He blocked me, Dave.
SPEAKER_00You got blocked?
SPEAKER_01I got blocked, like a hard block.
SPEAKER_00Wait, that's great for this brand, though. Your whole goal in this whole whatever it is that we call this is to get restraining orders, is to get cease and desists, and to get blocked. So there you go.
SPEAKER_01So I just want to bring up.
SPEAKER_00If you only get arrested sometime soon. Wait, who?
SPEAKER_01Kevin Brady from White Claw. Okay. I've sent you six emails. I get it. That's a lot. It may have overstepped just a little bit, but you blocked me.
SPEAKER_00How do you know when you get blocked?
SPEAKER_01Because I got the email that said you're blocked. Your message can't be delivered to Kevin.brady at whiteclaw.com because he is unable to receive your mail.
SPEAKER_00What were you putting in these emails?
SPEAKER_01Hey, Kevin. Oh, there's a lot of words. It's a lot, there's a lot of words. No, there's a lot of words. I know, I know, and he blocked me. So there's that. Allegedly, he blocked me.
SPEAKER_00Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. Send like nine paragraphs.
SPEAKER_01I know how obnoxious. I'm so obnoxious. Even in text messages. You know, I text in paragraphs. I love it.
SPEAKER_00The thing that annoys me about Taylor's text is it's multiples.
SPEAKER_01It is.
SPEAKER_00My phone is across the room. I've muted just about everybody that I know. And then I'll hear it ding, then 10 seconds later, ding, then 10 seconds later, ding, and I'm like, oh, it's fucking Taylor.
SPEAKER_01It's me. Yeah. I cannot send one crisp message. I don't know what it is about me.
SPEAKER_00And then you've you've been muted many times.
SPEAKER_01Uh everyone's muted on my phone. Yeah. Uh my do not disturb is on 24-7. Like you cannot get past it. Uh actually you can if you call twice. You have to call twice, and then it bypasses the DD.
SPEAKER_00I don't think I can't remember last time I made an outgoing call.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I don't know. The last person I called.
SPEAKER_00Phone calls. Phone calls from a phone?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, weird. Do you send voice memos?
SPEAKER_00No. No, don't send voice memos. You should. You do. I love a voice memo. I've got your voice memos.
SPEAKER_01I love a voice memo. I love a summer. I love a voice memo.
SPEAKER_00You love a who?
SPEAKER_01A summer. Have you seen that?
SPEAKER_00What is a summer?
SPEAKER_01The road house voice memo.
SPEAKER_00Is that like how you say like like winter, fall, spring, summer?
SPEAKER_01I love a summer. It's a trending sound. I just don't know what she's talking about. I love a summer. I love spritz.
SPEAKER_00As a Rhode Island, yeah. That's terrible. Um, I also wanted to say on one of your recent pods you talked about your love of the old Maxwell House commercials.
SPEAKER_01Gotta love the sexism.
SPEAKER_00So did you ever? I don't know how much of a deep dive you did into your old school coffee ads on YouTube. Do you because you wouldn't remember this from the 80s? Do you ever watch the Taster's Choice ones where it's a relationship?
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_00Where every episode, like you would wait for the next commercial because it was two people trying to bond and fall in love.
SPEAKER_01Shut up.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Was it coffee?
SPEAKER_00It was from I think it was Taster's Choice. Yeah. Oh, we have a dozen commercials where it's like a soap opera, a one-minute soap opera.
SPEAKER_01We're ringing it.
SPEAKER_00And they would release a new one like every every month or two.
SPEAKER_01Okay, I love that.
SPEAKER_00So definitely if you have nothing to do, check, check those out.
SPEAKER_01I never have anything to do. I think that would be perfect. Yeah. I'm going to check it out. The Maxwell House ones were crazy. To be a good little house ones.
SPEAKER_00Seemed a little uh misogynistic, a little chauvinist.
SPEAKER_01They did. And I do want to point out.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's still accurate.
SPEAKER_01I I mean, meh. Maybe.
SPEAKER_00Don't you want to make your guy a nice cup of coffee to start the day, put him in a good mood?
SPEAKER_01I've never done that.
SPEAKER_00So when he goes to when he goes to work to sexually harass his secretary?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, madman adjacent. Yeah. No, actually, notably, Nate brings me coffee every morning. So yeah.
SPEAKER_00You have him well trained.
SPEAKER_01It's very true.
SPEAKER_00Does he bring it to you from the kitchen or do you make him go out and get you a fancy Starbucks with nine different things in it?
SPEAKER_01I have four coffee makers at my house. So I have like the Nespresso, I have the Curic, I have a drip coffee machine, I have like one of those little espresso makers. So he just picks what kind of coffee I want that and then puts it in an ember mug so it keeps it hot.
SPEAKER_00Does he surprise you? Do you just pick one, or do you tell him what you want?
SPEAKER_01I usually tell him. I'm usually like, hey, I'm gonna be in the mood for drip coffee tomorrow.
SPEAKER_00That's a good husband.
SPEAKER_01I know. He re and if he doesn't do it, then I text him and I say, Are you mad at me? And then a fight ensues. And like he never wants that to happen.
SPEAKER_00So wait, so I'm gonna dive into this the beginning of your day. So you guys wake up, he goes and gets you coffee, then he gets ready and he goes to work, and then you drink your coffee in bed.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I'm not even up yet. When he leaves, I'm not even awake. I wake up and the coffee's still warm and what how does your day start?
SPEAKER_00Editing nonsense like this?
SPEAKER_01Or so I wake up around like 8 30, 9 o'clock. Yeah, that's like that. I'm I'm being ballpark because sometimes I will wake up like very early, and then I'll go drink my coffee. I'll watch an episode of girls, and then I will start editing and jump on the calls with my agency, and then I jump. I'm developing curriculum for the university I teach at. So like I'm so I have a lot of work to do with that, which no one understands. Like, I'm not even gonna name the university because I don't want to get in trouble. Um, but developing curriculum is a big deal. Like when you make a class, they expect you to be like an expert in your field. And sometimes I'm like Isn't this Do you listen to this?
SPEAKER_00Is this why AI was invented? Can't you just AI that shit?
SPEAKER_01No, I'm I'm so against AI with my students. I love it for myself, but not for my kids.
SPEAKER_00Okay, but yeah, you use AI though for stuff.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, of course, everyone uses AI.
SPEAKER_00I am AI, I am not here.
SPEAKER_01You were not Oh my god, the photo when you were like, This is AI, like the selfie that we took. I was like, it kind of does look AI.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Because you're always making that same face. Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_00I have a weird smile, so I try not to smile.
SPEAKER_01What did you think of? Because on Saturday we had a little group of friends go to a local dive. And that's what Dave looked like the whole time. What did you think of our little group of friends?
SPEAKER_00Hi, I'm Dayhead. Um they're interesting, interesting group.
SPEAKER_01Interesting people, right?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Did you see me fitting in in that group of friends? Because you've met like my girly friends, but you've never met like the guy side of the friend group.
SPEAKER_00No, the girls definitely, because they're all pretty. Yes. They all travel in packs, so that makes sense. It's true. Woo girls. Uh no, I could see them, I could see them all being Nate's friends.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, okay, fair enough. Fair enough, fair enough. You finally got to meet the dandelion guy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, your drug dealer. The guy who brings drugs to the house got to meet him. He seems very uh yeah, very unassuming.
SPEAKER_01Very unassuming.
SPEAKER_00Which makes for a good drug dealer, though, right? You don't want a guy with a giant chain and you know purple hat or anything.
SPEAKER_01It's so funny that we've mentioned him so many times on the podcast. And this man is like, he has like a corporate job. He lives like a very clean life, and I've made him out to be a drug dealer, and I think that's so funny. When he goes back and listens to these podcasts, I feel like he should run with it. He should run with it.
SPEAKER_00Definitely, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I don't, yeah. I mean, he doesn't have a girlfriend right now. That's a big plus for a girlfriend, you know? Free drugs. You know?
SPEAKER_00It's on the list. It's on the list. Things you look for. Yeah. What would be the top three things if you were single? Big, lots of money, drug dealer?
SPEAKER_01Or or no? I think it would be lots of money, old, and why old, so they'll die soon and you can take their money? Uh yeah, I'm yeah.
SPEAKER_00Wouldn't the smell annoy you? Old people kind of smell. Old people do sm and I say that on be I I just today in the elevator, because I'm an old person, so I can say this, I'm with my dog and I'm like, God, I smell. I really I haven't showered since Saturday.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, because you're in the same shirt you wore Saturday night.
SPEAKER_00I swear this is different.
SPEAKER_01I saw him outside of the studio. I was like, did you change since Saturday?
SPEAKER_00This one has stripes.
SPEAKER_01That one has stripes.
SPEAKER_00First time I've ever worn this shirt. Which, by the way, so this brings me to the main reason that I'm here to talk with you. I have Okay. I don't know how to take a t-shirt off. From what I understand, men are supposed to take t-shirts off by pulling it over the back of their head. I get stuck in a shirt tube and it and the shirt just rips.
SPEAKER_01In the shirt tube.
SPEAKER_00The shirt, yeah, the shirt tube. Like it's just stuck over your head, like a corn holio thing. So then I try taking shirts off. Girls are supposed to do the crisscross applesauce. Rips. I can't even get it this high and it tears.
SPEAKER_01That's like a humble flex. You're like, I'm I'm too ripped that my shirt won't come off.
SPEAKER_00No, I don't know. So that's why I have to wear button-up shirts all the time now. All my all my t-shirts are torn. I don't know how to take them off. So how do you have you seen a guy take a shirt off? How do they do it?
SPEAKER_01I I've seen the back, like just pulling it up. Yeah. I've seen that, but like have you ever tried to do that?
unknownBoop.
SPEAKER_01That's what I do.
SPEAKER_00Like pulling one like that?
SPEAKER_01That's how I put on my t-shirts.
SPEAKER_00No, it can't do it. Well, your arms are five inches long. You have a doll's arms.
SPEAKER_01I've never like struggled with a t-shirt like that. Wait, okay. What about like events and such? You work street team and like things like that. Yeah. What did you think?
SPEAKER_00Well, I didn't do strip teases out at the events.
SPEAKER_01Uh, you did a lot of work with Delilas. I did do a lot of so what I'm hearing is we need a company to send you some t-shirts, and then on the pod, we will do A, B, and C on how to take off the t-shirt.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Well, how do you how do you so you take off your shirts by tucking them in?
SPEAKER_01I like put my arms in and then I'm just like boop.
SPEAKER_00That's I don't think that would work.
SPEAKER_01Really? Well, my t-shirts are also so big. Like I never wear a sized t-shirt.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01Like mine are always like large, extra large XXL.
SPEAKER_00How does uh how does Hubby take him off?
SPEAKER_01He'll do like this. No, he does this. He can take the crisscross? You can do the crisscross and he does this. He likes but you know, Nate's very versatile. He likes a tank top too. Do you wear a tank top?
SPEAKER_00No, I don't wear a tank top. I don't think I like work in a tank top. I don't wear clothes.
SPEAKER_01Oh, you okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. You should try my gym. You don't even need a card. You can just walk in naked.
SPEAKER_00It's a great way to make sure that you're the only one at the gym.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. Yeah, people run when they see it. Would you do an acrobatics class? Like one of those yoga acrobatics classes where there are those um drapes of sorts and you get all tangled like a pretzel.
SPEAKER_00That sounds like a horrible accident waiting to happen.
SPEAKER_01You should sit outside of those classes and wait for the girls to come out.
SPEAKER_00To come out with their broken limbs so they can't run from me? Yes. Yes.
SPEAKER_01And then be like, hey, I'm Dave Cruz.
SPEAKER_00Here's a crutch.
SPEAKER_01I'll be your crutch. That's what you should have said to the girl that grabbed your arm in the middle of the street in Philadelphia. You should have been like, I'll be your crutch. Now that's a little weird. Yeah, no, that's a little weird.
SPEAKER_00So now you're just listing ways so I can get pepper sprayed.
SPEAKER_01Yes. But it would make great for the content. Think about it. Okay. Yeah. I'm always trying to do something weird for the content.
SPEAKER_00What else can we do? I have to milk cows. Weren't you supposed to get us cows to milk?
SPEAKER_01Um, it's like a very I was saying this at dinner. It's a very controversial thing.
SPEAKER_00About milking cows?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I I got so many, not only comments, but like emails saying, you don't understand what the dairy industry is like, Taylor. It's a really volatile situation. I don't know what the dairy industry is like. I'm a farmer's daughter. We don't have fucking cows. I just want to milk a cow. That's all I want to do. I'm not trying to like objectify the animal.
SPEAKER_00I have a suggestion to make everybody happy. Let's milk something else. What else can you milk?
SPEAKER_01A sheep. Sheep milk exists.
SPEAKER_00Do you milk sheep?
SPEAKER_01I think so.
SPEAKER_00Or do you just shave them?
SPEAKER_01How do you get soy milk?
SPEAKER_00With a little teeny tea tea.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like the almond. We can milk an almond, get some almond milk out of it. Yeah, so uh it I don't know. I feel like that could be pita coming for me a little bit.
SPEAKER_00Okay, yeah, you don't want that. You don't want that.
SPEAKER_01Of all people coming after me, I really don't want to have to deal with that.
SPEAKER_00Especially because you just got a fish to go with your dogs.
SPEAKER_01I know. Um I do wonder if the dogs will kill the fish. You know? Probably. Just like would clover. If you just had a fish sitting on the kitchen table, don't you think she would be like, what was that?
SPEAKER_00What was that again? Just paws. Paul's everywhere. That's how dogs are. I don't I mean a cat would definitely kill it. Uh no, she only really wants to kill squirrels and groundhogs and things.
SPEAKER_01Oh. I I like that about her.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. She's very focused with her killing.
SPEAKER_01I like little rodents, you know. Yuck. Um, I'm I'm actually sitting, house sitting for a neighbor, and I'm watching her cat.
SPEAKER_00A neighbor trusts you not only with their house, but with their cat?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I've done it multiple times.
SPEAKER_00I didn't think you were good with cats. I thought you had a problem with them.
SPEAKER_01Love cats.
SPEAKER_00You love it.
SPEAKER_01I pick up this cat and I we play a game and it's called I'm I'm worried that you go, I pick up this cat. I do. So I pick up the, she loves it. So I pick her up and I go, Who's a cat? And she's like, and then I go, You're a cat, and I shake her and she loves it. You'd have to see it, but she does love it. I just promise. This cat's like my buddy.
SPEAKER_00This part should definitely be edited from the podcast.
SPEAKER_01It's not my neighbor. She's so sweet. She actually has more of a social life than I do. Single, probably in her 60s. She's in Rome right now with her girlfriends.
SPEAKER_00That sounds fun.
SPEAKER_01She goes everywhere and anywhere. She travels abroad, she's got a house.
SPEAKER_00So I'm assuming she has a nice house.
SPEAKER_01It's beautiful.
SPEAKER_00Do you look through it? Like look through the drawers and cameras.
SPEAKER_01No, I want to, but I would never. I like her.
SPEAKER_00Well, she probably has a camera somewhere. If you have a nice house, you probably have a camera hidden somewhere.
SPEAKER_01Like I have cameras. Not in my house, but outside of my house. In your house is weird, don't you think?
SPEAKER_00Well, don't people have cameras in their house?
SPEAKER_01Like when someone's like coming over and like pet sitting, maybe. But like in general.
SPEAKER_00Well, like what you're doing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I guess so. Where would she put it? Now I'm gonna look through her whole house. You know what I do have? I have one of those devices that you can go through your house and see if there's any like cameras or anything like that.
SPEAKER_00Why would you have one of those?
SPEAKER_01Because, Dave, when my roommate moved out, some information got spread about me that nobody else knew. And I thought, who else knows this? Who else knows this about me? And I thought I gotta check her back.
SPEAKER_00So you think she had you bugged?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but I I don't think she did because I couldn't find anything. But I thought for a second that she What was the information that that got spread? It was not even about me. It was something I said about somebody else, and it wasn't even bad, but it was like something that she wouldn't have wanted to get out. And I was like, What why? So I thought she she bugged it, but I'm just paranoid.
SPEAKER_00Is that why you killed her?
SPEAKER_01No, I didn't. Not her.
unknownGod.
SPEAKER_01You encouraged me to watch Obsession, by the way, speaking of killing people. Yes. Best movie I've seen in so long.
SPEAKER_00Isn't that really good?
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. You're right, I'd be friends with her.
SPEAKER_00My recommendation was have you seen Obsession? You would be best friends with this girl.
SPEAKER_01Oh my the dinner scene is my favorite scene, literally ever. Oh my god, I love everything about it. I want a one wish willow. That's so cool. That would be great. What would you wish for? One wish.
SPEAKER_00That's a lot of pressure. I mean, the one guy had the good wish. Uh I can't, you know, don't want to ruin it by saying what his wish was. Yes. Not the main guy, but then he went to a best friend, yeah. Um I wouldn't you know what probably happen? I would I would make lists and constantly make lists, so making sure that everything was worded properly to the point where it would just expire and I would end up with nothing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Or like running.
SPEAKER_00You know, like you get an $80 stake, you're like, I'm saving this for a big important day. When something great happens, you're like, okay, it's not taste. And then two months later it goes by and it's just filled with mold. And you're like, well, that was a good one.
SPEAKER_01Did that happen to you as this a personal experience? No. Oh, okay, sure.
SPEAKER_00Uh so what would your wish be?
SPEAKER_01Um, it would be very very superficial, I'm sure.
SPEAKER_00Like shoes or bags or clothes or because just like his wish, you have to be careful what you wish for.
SPEAKER_01You have to be careful. I don't think I would do anything like life-altering. Like I would wish for like property or something that wouldn't like cause trouble.
SPEAKER_00Like if I said, uh, you know, I want better hair, I might wake up with like a three-foot afro or something. That would just look ridiculous.
SPEAKER_01Um okay. You with an afro though, you could do it.
SPEAKER_00You think that would work? I think it'd be kind of fun. What if I had your hair?
SPEAKER_01I'm getting hair extensions. I can give you some.
SPEAKER_00Don't you have to have something to clip it onto?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Get you in a I have a bunch of wigs. Put you in a wig.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01You know?
SPEAKER_00Do you like guys who have who who have hair like your length?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I love that Nate's hair is long. I love it. I do not like a buzz cut. I hate it. I don't think anyone looks good with it. Travis Kelsey included. He looks fucking strange with the buzz cut. He only looks attractive when his hair is semi-long.
SPEAKER_00So you like like man buns? Oh, yes. Man ponies, stuff like that.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I don't know.
SPEAKER_00My thing about uh guys who have man buns is I think they look ridiculous, and I wish I had good enough hair to make a decision that bad.
SPEAKER_01That's fair because a lot of men with man buns.
SPEAKER_00That's gonna be on my tombstone, by the way.
SPEAKER_01Your epitaph.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I think about my epitaph often. Do you have a funeral plot? Like, do you have a place where you're gonna be buried?
SPEAKER_00Uh no, I thought I would just have a Viking funeral. Just send me off in a boat and shoot a flaming arrow into me.
SPEAKER_01Oh my friend Rachel says that all the time. That's really weird that you had the same idea. Okay. Do you want to be burned?
SPEAKER_00Right on the school.
SPEAKER_01I think you should be burned and I'll spread your ashes like on the streets of Philly.
SPEAKER_00Burned like the way I suggested, or like you're just gonna set me on fire. Set me on fire at some point.
SPEAKER_01Um, maybe set you on fire, but a fun fact about me is when I was a senior in high school, I said, you know what, maybe I'm not gonna go to college and maybe I'll go to mortuary school instead. And then I made my small Catholic high school go through and send me to mortuary schools to see if I would want to do it, and I watched a cremation.
SPEAKER_00And how was it? Was it fascinating?
SPEAKER_01It was awesome. Yeah, it was awesome.
SPEAKER_00I don't know if awesome is ever th the right word for the city.
SPEAKER_01Well, it's awesome because it's just like dust. Like it's all clean at the end, it's just like dust. But when they had to like Kansas. Um we're gonna play that interrupt. That little silence right there, that's gonna go. But no, and the only weird part about the only weird part about being a mortician is like the actual body, like the formaldehyde. Mm-mm. Everyone should just be chopped up and put in the oven.
SPEAKER_00Chopped up like that? Yeah, just like that. Like you're making ham slices at the deli?
SPEAKER_01Exactly. You don't you don't want to look at a body. Do you ever want do you ever go to a funeral and think, wow, I can't wait to see this dead guy?
SPEAKER_00No. No, you never want to see it.
SPEAKER_01You never want to walk up there, but you have to.
SPEAKER_00And admit it, whenever you go to a funeral where the body's there, you assume they're gonna come to life. Right? Don't you always assume?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you look for a hand twitching. Sick mind, and I think, oh God, how many thousands of jewelry do they have on? Yeah. And they're just gonna get buried in it.
SPEAKER_00Right, the nice Brooks Brother suit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and you're like, oh my god, they're gonna bring all this in the grave? That's crazy. It's yeah, it's a waste.
SPEAKER_00That's why I think they're still alive. Are you gonna be buried with stuff? All your coffee makers?
SPEAKER_01All my coffee makers know. I want to be burned. Burned, burned, burned.
SPEAKER_00Then what do you want people to do with the dust?
SPEAKER_01Um, oh, I want my sister to wear it around her neck so she has to do one last thing for me before she dies.
SPEAKER_00Jesus.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so that's her duty. She'll have to wear my ashes around her neck until her last days.
SPEAKER_00I've worried that you've thought about this a lot.
SPEAKER_01She knows.
SPEAKER_00She knows. Okay.
SPEAKER_01She's the only, and this is so sad, but she's the only one that I can genuinely count on that if I say pull the plug, that bitch will pull the plug. Sure will, sure will.
SPEAKER_00You might not even have to say it.
SPEAKER_01I don't even know if I should just trip and be like, oh man. Happened.
SPEAKER_00You could be hooked up to anything, just like an IV.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no.
SPEAKER_00Or like you're giving blood. Nope. Done.
SPEAKER_01Done.
SPEAKER_00Put the pillow over her face.
SPEAKER_01She's gone. It was funny when we went on our family vacation, her and I hung out, and I was like, do you like me? She's like, stop. Don't make it weird. I'm like, you're so much cooler than me. So I feel like that would just be the one last hurrah wearing my ashes, you know? She'd be like, Oh, I have my big sister with me.
SPEAKER_00So you have one sister, no brothers. Do you ever think maybe you have a twin somewhere and your mom like gave that per person away? Maybe you have an adopted sister somewhere?
SPEAKER_01We're gonna find out with the 23andMe with the DNA test.
SPEAKER_00Would you like to have a twin somewhere? Every now and then do you feel like you stubbed your toe, but you really didn't?
SPEAKER_01Oh, with like deja vu stuff?
SPEAKER_00Or that that thing where you can feel each other's pain.
SPEAKER_01Ooh, that's interesting. I don't have that, but I have like deja vu. And that's like, is that spiritual? Is deja vu spiritual?
SPEAKER_00I don't know. I don't think so.
SPEAKER_01I don't know what deja vu really is. It's an Olivia Rodrigo song. That's for sure. That I know. Um oh, so I put a sign in front of my house that says Goose Sixers, so everybody knows that I'm a basketball house now.
SPEAKER_00That I didn't know that I never knew that this was a thing with you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, well now it is just is now. Okay.
SPEAKER_00Just because LeBron's here? Yeah. So if he wasn't here. You're getting rid of Michael?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I have to get rid of Michael. LeBron's here. Michael Jordan's not playing anymore.
SPEAKER_00So this whole time you didn't think about getting a Joel Embiid one?
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_00Tyrese Maxie.
SPEAKER_01Okay, what is with Tyrese Maxie? If I have to hear one more person go, what about Tyrese Maxie? I don't know anything about him. I'm sure he's a great guy.
SPEAKER_00Tell us everything you know about Tyrese Maxi. Why are you at Dick's Sporting Goods?
SPEAKER_01House of Sport.
SPEAKER_00Which again begs the question: why are you there?
SPEAKER_01I was just Gallivant's. Is it because I had the word dick?
SPEAKER_00And you're looking for a box of toys.
SPEAKER_01And I was like, man, this could be a fun afternoon.
SPEAKER_00On that note, they do have a lot of sneakers there, so that's sorry.
SPEAKER_01I was looking at the sneakers, but speaking of stores that sell dicks, there is a local sex shop.
SPEAKER_00You say speaking of stores that sell dicks?
SPEAKER_01Yes, there's a local sex shop. They just changed over management. I've been there not once, not twice, but three times. And I've said, let me throw an event here. And every time they're like, We don't know. And I say, see you next quarter. So every quarter I've been there pitching an event. And I just think that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_00Well, are you do you want to say the name of the place or no? No, because we don't want them to like. Okay. What kind of party would you throw?
SPEAKER_01A lingerie party. Think about how many men would bring their girls and be like, babe, spend whatever you want. Have a good night. Like a sh sip and shop party out of the city.
SPEAKER_00So the guys aren't there.
SPEAKER_01No. No, guys wouldn't be there. I mean, we could do a party like that, but I think it should be a girl party.
SPEAKER_00I'm confused by this whole thing. So all these girls show up and they they bring their lingerie. They try on the lingerie that's at the store. And there's gonna be a lot of alcohol.
SPEAKER_01There'll be alcohol. Yep.
SPEAKER_00So then at some point the double dungs are coming out and you're all just banging each other. It's basically it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it becomes a massive orgy.
SPEAKER_00I will be the bartender.
SPEAKER_01Okay, amazing. That sounds great. Um, yeah, so I don't know where else to go. I was like, there's gotta be a transition in here somewhere in my brain, and there was not.
SPEAKER_00We need to go back and count how many of your podcast episodes end with us talking about an orgy or a threesome.
SPEAKER_01No, really.
SPEAKER_00It's gotta be 75%.
SPEAKER_01The signs around town are doing so well, though. I went on a sign just gallivant two weeks ago. I went up like to Villanova, I went to Malvern, Payola.
SPEAKER_00Putting your little Taylor, Taylor, Taylor.
SPEAKER_01No, I did it's not even cool.
SPEAKER_00QR codes, huh?
SPEAKER_01I took signs that said I know what Taylor did and put the QR code and I stapled them everywhere.
SPEAKER_00And?
SPEAKER_01And I've just gotten so many clicks like on the podcast. Like the music just keep going up because everyone's like, What did Taylor do?
SPEAKER_00It's like your spin on the I hate Steven Singer like billboards and stuff that he would do for the longest time.
SPEAKER_01Speaking of, I've been poor Steven. Poor Stephen of Steven Singer. I mentioned him way too fucking much. I sent him all the clips where we talked about Stephen Singer, and I said, Hey Steven, do you remember me? To his personal email, so I'll probably get blocked as well. Yeah, absolutely. And I said, I really think that you should sponsor the show. Um, because one time in 2015 you gave me a rose.
SPEAKER_00Oh, one of one of the gold roses. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So I love Steven Singer for that, and his new billboards with the BDE.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I don't remember seeing that.
SPEAKER_01Just came up. What does that mean? B D E. You think big dick energy. It's big diamond energy.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01You you don't know that BDE means big dick energy.
SPEAKER_00When you have a bad big dick, you don't have to worry about these weird slogans.
SPEAKER_01That's actually what it says on his Tinder profile when you slide. It says that. On Steven Singer's? No, on yours.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah. My Tinder profile is just a picture of Steven Singer.
SPEAKER_01It's just Steven Singer. No, it's USB.
SPEAKER_00Then a bunch of then a bunch of different colored gold dipped roses.
SPEAKER_01Oh man, did you ever keep your gold dipped rose? I'm sure you got one at one point.
SPEAKER_00Uh I got some over the years. I gave them to random people. I think they're expensive and they look nice. They're adorable.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they look like chocolate. They didn't you want to bite you?
SPEAKER_00Did you ever break one?
SPEAKER_01No, did you?
unknownI don't know.
SPEAKER_00Maybe. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01You probably did. Do you remember his dog? He like always brought his dog.
SPEAKER_00I didn't have a dog. And the dog would wear a little scarf. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Steven Singer is like, keep my name out of your fucking mouth, okay?
SPEAKER_00For Halloween, let's dress up as Steven Singer and his dog.
SPEAKER_01Dave, I'm so serious about that. And then we'll get a sign picture under the billboard.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01And then we'll be like, Do you really not want to partner with us now, Steven? We're gonna get a cease and desist just so we stop talking about him for sure. Could you imagine our first cease and desist that we get like sent here is from fucking Steven Singer?
SPEAKER_00That would be fantastic.
SPEAKER_01That'd be amazing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Amazing. On that note.
SPEAKER_00Something to shoot for.
SPEAKER_01Follow your dreams.
SPEAKER_00Oh, can you put a thing in? Here's Taylor's QR code. Can you like AI it in this little box?
SPEAKER_01Yep. Scan the QR code.
SPEAKER_00Scan this.
SPEAKER_01Scan that. I could put something really nefarious in the middle of those fingers when I'm editing, by the way. Um, thank you so much for listening to the Taylor Taylor Taylor show. Please rate, subscribe, comment if it's something nice, even if it's not something nice, and send your dick pics to Dave. See you next Tuesday.