Single & Set Apart: Relearning Dating After Finding Jesus

n this episode of For Such a Time As This, I sit down with my friend Alex to talk about her journey through singleness, heartbreak, and ultimately finding Christ.

Alex was in a relationship for 12 years and was previously engaged before stepping into a completely new season of life. After years of placing a lot of her identity in relationships and the opinions of men, she began to notice a painful pattern of heartbreak that kept repeating itself.

Just over a year ago, Alex came to know the Lord, and everything about how she views dating, identity, and relationships began to shift.

In this conversation, we talk about:
• What it looked like to walk away from old patterns in dating
• Learning to find identity in Christ instead of validation from others
• Navigating singleness after a long-term relationship
• Implementing Christian dating standards for the first time
• Trusting God with a completely new approach to relationships

This episode is an honest conversation about transformation, healing, and learning to trust God with your heart after years of doing things a different way.

Season 2 of For Such a Time As This is all about singleness, calling, timing, and trusting God in every season of life.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome back to another episode of Christmas Times This is a podcast about calling, timing, and trusting God in the season that you're actually in, not just the one you hope to be in. My name is Bethany and I'm your host. This season is our second season. It's called Single and Set Apart. So I'm talking to um Christian singles or people that were single kind of later in life but aren't single anymore. Um and I'm super excited for what you guys might learn in this season. Um so let's just sit back, relax, and see what God might have for you in this episode. Hey guys! Today we have my friend Alex. I am so excited. I am loving this season so far. So thank you for being here, Alex. I'm so fitted. Let's just jump right in. So tell us about like your singleness journey or where you are now.

SPEAKER_01 0:53

Yeah. Um, Zark, I am very much a um long story short, short person, but it always turns into short story long. Okay. Um thought I'll do my best. Um but I always have to kind of start off with like I was engaged on to someone for 12 years that I was with for 12 years. Okay. Um, so that's where my singleness started was after that. Um, because we started dating when I was 14, which is crazy.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:21

So I have been single for about five years. Um, and have just come to know the Lord within the past year. Um, actually a year ago. Okay. Today. Today is the first day that I joined um a sermon. Oh yeah, grace. So that has been, yeah, it's been the most beautiful year. Um, but I'll back up a little bit of like how I've gotten this to this point. Yeah. Um, so I was engaged. Um, it ended amicably. Um, I hope that he's happy. Um, it was just not, I just can see how the Lord his hand has been in it um this whole time, just showing me that now it's something else. Yeah. Um, so I've been single for about five years. Um, I took probably like a year, a little bit less than a year, to like be single for the first time ever. Yeah. Um, and learn about myself, be with my friends, figure out what I liked. Like I was just burning to be myself again. Right. Um, and then I jumped right into dating apps. Okay. Um, yeah, and I just always had this desire in my heart to be a wife and to be a mother. And um, I just took that into my own hands. Um, definitely tried to control a lot of um the outcome with dating apps, with um going to the bars, meeting, meeting boys, trying to just find my husband. And it was a lot of the same pattern. Um, definitely had a few situationships that um I was excited. I was excited that I wanted to be to have a relationship and then and then get married. So it's something that I was really excited about when I would get into these situationships. Um, but I it was a long road of idolizing men, um, navigating without God. Um and I had this hole in my heart that I was filling with validation, with um attention from boys, um, this longing that I wanted to find my person. So it was something I was always filling this hole in my heart um with the dating apps, with meeting, with talking to boys. Um, and yeah, I see now where it was a God-shaped hole. Yeah Yeah, so it was a repeated pattern of that for I would say like three years, up until um this past, not this January, last January, January 2025. Um I think it was like the last guy that I was dating that he broke my heart. Um, and I think it was just all of them that came crashing down. And that was where I was like, okay, there's this is a pattern. I keep getting my heart, I keep getting my feelings hurt. And what is it? Like, is it me? Um and like I just feel like that it just felt like all of them all at once, and just like all the rejection, all the the like potential, all the things that never worked. Um, and yeah, I just was like in the mud, is the best way I can explain it. Is just broken, lost, um confused, like felt so rejected. Um, and that's where Jesus met me, like right there on the floor crying. And um my best friend, Allison, shout out Allison, she invited me, she said, I love you so much, and she was so supportive, but she was like, Um, maybe come to church. Yeah. So that had been something that was working for her, and she was like, just give it a try. So I joined virtually for the first time, um, literally a year ago today, which is incredible. Um, and the sermon what that we go through series at our church, and it was called The War on Your Mind. And it was like I remember that all about anxiety, all about overthinking, abandonment wounds, like attachment, like all these things. And I was like, Okay, are you talking to me? Um, so then it like my wheels started to turn. I was like, okay, he's saying all these things that are me. Um, I've had anxiety my whole life, and that was BC Alex that that was really manifesting in my relationships. I was getting so anxious about boys. Yeah. Um anytime I was like dating someone or getting to know someone better, like that's where my anxiety was in like like full blown. Yeah. Um, and I would be in these like thought loops. Um, and turns out the like the beginning of last year I got diagnosed with OCD. Um, I was like, well, I'm not like really particular about a lot of things. And she was like, um, it doesn't, it's not that. That's not all it is. And I was like, oh, it's also like overthinking and and these like thought loops in your brain. So so I got had like anxiety my whole life, OCD, and that was really showing itself up in these relationships. Um so that has some been something that the Lord has like really worked in my heart. Um and yeah, so now this past year, he's saved my life. He has delivered me from anxiety, OCD. Um, I've been off medication for five months. That's also like cold turkey. I was have been have been taking medication since um college. So it's been my whole life. It feels like, uh, so yeah, where I've gotten to a point now of singleness is learning to be myself with God. Whereas before I was just doing it on my own, idolizing this thing that I wanted so bad. Um, and yeah, just a lot has a lot has changed in my heart and in my brain in the past year. Oh, that's a good story.

SPEAKER_00 7:28

Yeah. Do you so even in the past year, what do you think is the biggest like struggle with singles?

SPEAKER_01 7:34

Yeah. I think the biggest thing is the desire in my heart. It is something that I I know I've asked the Lord so many times, like, take it off my heart if it's not from you. And I just know that he's given me such a gift, like to serve and to love. And it's I know it's something that is from him. Um, so I think the hardest part is the desire, but also like being content in singleness. Yeah. Um, because it was something that was always a curse. It felt like such a curse to be single. Yeah. And it has he's worked so much in my life to be able to like show me how much of a blessing it is, and just really um being with him, which has been um incredible. That's I've learned so much about myself and learned so much about him and how to love other people and and what I am looking for. Um, I used to put all my worth in men and what they thought about me and do they love me, and just being able to find my worth in God has been it's changed my life. So I think the hardest part, because I can I can really get on a tangent here. But the hardest part, then I have to go back to what the question. Um, but yeah, the hardest part I would say is like having this desire in my heart, but then also being content, being single. Um how do you think you balance that? Yeah, so I I don't think I was at first. I think I was like striving like to be this like godly woman and like go go all aim with God and then be like, okay, well then I'll be gifted this like relationship. Yeah, I think I was like striving at first. And I actually like I visited my friend in Florida this past summer, and I was like, I think I'm just I'm content being single, like I'm okay being alone. And he lovingly convicted me and was like, um, do you think he was like, Do you really think that's how like that's really how it is if you're saying it out loud? Like if you're saying it out loud, do you really feel do you really feel that way? And I was like, oh, like maybe maybe I'm not actually Viacy, like maybe it's me, like yourself. Yeah, I was convincing myself, uh, I was convincing myself that I was content at being single. Right. He was like, if you have to say it out loud, maybe that's not actually what's in your heart. And I was like, uh, oh it's like so that like that really clicked for me of just like, what does it actually mean to be content being single? And am I just saying I'm content because I'm in this season? And like it's like a positive, like that reverse psychology, like am I really content? Um, so that really I really had to like dig in of just like, am I actually content? Like, and also can two things be true at the same. Exactly, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

And I would say that and yeah, because I the desire is very much there for me. Yeah. But I also am learning like the contentment side of it too. And I think you can have both at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 10:44

So I think I but at first was just having this desire, and then I was like pretending I was content. And then he has really challenged me to like hold both at the same time. Um, and I he my friend sent me this TikTok or whatever, a clip from a podcast, and it was talking about like this waiting season. It's like something that every single person has heard of this waiting season. Um and she was like, I think of it more as an undivided season. Like we have this undivided time with the Lord, and it is such a blessing that like I mean, it of course it's a desire in our heart to be married, to be mothers, and it's but it's like, man, I'm sure there's people that are in that are married and moms and they like miss this time. Yeah. And it so it's rather than waiting and like kind of kicking the can until like our husbands a lot. It's like, what what can we do purposefully in this time? And it's like more of a preparation season and just a time where you can really dive in and like draw as close to him as you can. Um, and I really believe that. At first, I think I was striving to then kind of get to this point where I'm like, he's like, okay, you're ready. Yeah. But yeah, it's not that. It's just it's different. There's so much time and so much, so much that can be done in this time. Um, but it is like holding the desire and contentment at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 12:14

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:16

Do you feel any like pressure from anyone to like hurry up and get married?

SPEAKER_00 12:22

Okay. Yeah, I don't think so.

SPEAKER_01 12:24

I think more myself. Like, I think it's my own timeline. Um, my family, like my friends are just they're so encouraging. They're like, it's gonna happen. Like, I like I know that for you, and just being patient, and it's like it's more my own where I'm like, I want to be a mom. I wanna like I wanna serve my husband. And I've learned all these like beautiful ways to be a wife and to like be a God, like a woman of God. And I'm like, I want to use that. Exactly. Um, and I and he's like completely stripped me of like what I thought I wanted and has really showed me like biblical character and like what it what I'm really looking for. And it's like, okay, I think I know those things. And it's um, so it's really just I think my own pressure of like this timeline. Yeah. Um, and it's so human of us to see other people very much so do having having kids and getting married, and it's so human of us to compare. And it's and even like comparing to other people that are single and dating, I think it's so easy for us to compare of like, well, why isn't that happened for me?

SPEAKER_00 13:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

And it's like coming back, I think it's always on the pressure up that I put on myself. Um, but not necessarily from my friends and family. They've been so supportive. And I think especially with my past, of like I was engaged, um, and it's so not what like what was for me. Um and just I've been through so much in that and been through so much in my singleness that it's like I think he's just per I just know he's like perfectly crafting this to like glorify him. Right. Um, so there's just a level of like patience in there. Um, patience in the waiting for sure. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm the Lord is constantly working on patience with me. Oh yeah, it's been birthed forever. I would have to ask for like every day.

SPEAKER_00 14:20

Yes. Um, so what do you think? What do you think God has like shown you? What's a specific example of something God's shown you or changed in you?

SPEAKER_01 14:30

Yeah, I think patience. He has been so patient with me. Um, just in this year, I think just what has been like what has what I first thought I wanted versus what I want now. Um, and there have been times where I'm like, I'm just like, okay, God, where is he? Yeah. And he has been just so patient with like this refining piece um in my heart of just what I thought I wanted, my worth, like what I was finding my worth in. Um, and just being there for me this whole time while I'm learning about myself, while while I'm learning about what I'm actually looking for. Um, so yeah, he's been so patient with me. Um, and just I think a big thing is this like contentment piece of really just focusing on him. Like, I just I come back to um like I don't know exactly the Bible verse, but like he called me by name and like he also called me to himself. Like I think it's something that he's really asking me to lean into is just really just focus on him. Um, and he's he's he's trusting me with that. And I think um, and I'm trusting him. It's like this beautiful partnership where I have like he's really shown me how to surrender and really like lay it at his feet. And I just know that like with that trust and with that faith, he's he's going to bring that, like build that desire of my heart. Um, but it's taken a lot of, he's been so patient with me. Me learning how to be patient. Um, and he's really reshaped my heart of like what I'm actually looking for. Before I was just, I think I just didn't want to be alone. So I was seeking that part where it's like now he's really shown me like what I'm looking for in a man of God with biblical character. Like I'm really he's really like reshaped this like idea of like chemistry versus compatibility. Me, yeah. Um, before I was BC Alex, was so focused on the connection and the chemistry, and then we would work, like then the other stuff would fall into place. Um, but now it's like, no, I'm look like I am looking, I'm gonna be looking for someone that is gonna be like the father of my kids that can help lead a family, yeah. And like being able to see like the fruit in a man of God before I was kind of taking whatever I could get, like whatever, and I thought I'd served that. Like I was settling for the bare minimum. If we had a good connection, that's all I needed. But now it's no, there's like actual standards that I have, and it's biblical, which is really cool that we have this like blueprint. Um, but he's gifted, he's like gifted that to me that I'm in a position where I can really know his word and know what he wants for me. Yeah. And so when when it does come along, it will be so clear. Um, where before it was, um thank you. I could I'll take it. But now it's like, no, it's the it's I get to see the fruit in other people. And and I think that's really what he has been teaching me this season of like this, what it means to be compatible with someone and like the characters that I'm looking for. Um, but also the closer I get to him, the more that will become that'll become more clear when I see it. It's like I think I think of like um John 15, like when we abide in him, like he's divine, um, and then we can see the fruit. Yeah. Um, so I think just the closer that I'm drawing to him and the more I'm remaining in him, the more that he's working in my heart. And then it's like I just and I also he he's challenging me to like also like pray for my husband to be doing the same.

SPEAKER_00 18:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

So when we're both remaining in him and kind of going in this race, like just meet me to God, and him and then my husband's running to God, like we'll look at each other and it'll it'll it'll make sense. Yeah, and but it'll be such a cool like east fly to have later exactly. Both were just in our own separate places, just praying for each other, a choosing after God exactly. Yeah, so I think just reshaping what I'm actually looking for, um, but also the contentment piece. Um, but just like remaining in him, I just think there's so many I've learned so much about myself and just learned so much about him and his word just by having the time to do it, yeah. And just like leaning into that, like with so much fire in my heart. So just yeah, leaning in that he's taught me so much this year. So it's been incredible. When you say like characters that you're looking for that you didn't really care about before more things, do you mean? Yeah, definitely like a leader. Like I so something about me was before BC Alex. I like had some riz. Okay, I was shooting my shot. I was like, I was the one pursuing, and it was like cute. But then when it was not reciprocated, then it like was like it felt like rejection, reaction, rejection. Like it actually, like this boldness turned into such insecurity. And so it was something I was the one pursuing, I was the one planning, I was the one leading, yeah. Um, and I was the one communicating. Um, so he's really shown me to like how he like softened my heart in that so much of just wanting to be per pursued by a man. Um, and like I don't have to take the lead, like yeah, it sounds lovely. Yeah, I might be saying. Um, so just like this leadership, um, patience, like clear communication, um, and like the honesty piece. Um, I think uh first, I think first Corinthians 13, four through nine, like love is patient and love is kind, like those are all like characters that I would want to make. Yeah, yeah. Like that's like I see so much of that. Like that's God's character. We want him to be like have character traits that God has. Um so yeah, so loving, like kind. And these are you would think it's like a bear, my van's like knockle, yeah. But it's not. I um yeah, so this leadership, I like see um so many traits in my best friend husband, just so much leadership and patience and kindness, and and just how he's able to like protect her heart. And it's those are all things that I'm like, okay, that is a man of God, and there's so many, there's so many of them. And I'm like, I will settle for nothing less. Yes. Yeah. Um, so yeah, that has been, I used to just kind of take bare minimum, and that's really all I thought that I deserved, like before knowing Jesus and and knowing, like stepping into that and knowing my work was in him. Um, my like just having more confidence and boldness in a different way. Um, because it was like a false confidence and a false, like a boldness when I was per like kind of shooting my shot. Yeah. And now I just am I'm just open hands and just like ready to be pursued. But it's just it's really reshaped that for me of I'm not the one Gonna be pursuing. I'm very I'm my hands are open. Hands and heart are open, but it's something that I was taking like a driver's seat before and now, yeah, on a passenger seat.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Hey you guys, it's me again. Don't worry, I'll be right back with our guests. I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you so much for spending time with us today. I hope you're enjoying the episode so far. Let's sit and think about what might have been said that can relate to your life today. And if you're enjoying it, make sure you like, subscribe, follow, comment, all the things you can find us on YouTube for such a time as this with Bethany Garner, or you can find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Alright, let's get back to them. So do you think like you would never shoot your shot again?

SPEAKER_01 22:51

I don't know. I I can't so this is I've struck I've thought about this too, because I'm like, I I do think that they're I'm not anti-shoot your shot. I just think it was something that was for me that was part of my personality. Like it was my personality to like shoot my shot and then yeah, to like have this boldness and and like a lot of like my friends would admire it. And like it was it was like the confidence piece, but it was again knowingly a false confidence for myself. So I think it's something that I was that I've been so delivered from that it's just I don't know if that's what how he wants what he wants me to do. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Um, so I think especially considering like your past and behind the hobby from I do fear that there I know that beautiful love stories that happened with a girl shooting her, like a girl shooting her shot. Um, and and of course, like when we're Holy Spirit led, like he'll let us know. Yeah. That's true. But I just, yeah, if the time, if the opportunity comes, I know I could like dust it off. And but I also just like I think that's something for me personally that he's really delivered me from, and that he really wants me to just like trust that he that I'm gonna be pursued. And I think he like wants that for me because it was something that I felt like I had to do. Exactly. And like he's just such a loving God that I think he's like, sit back, like just wait. And it's and it'll be so clear.

SPEAKER_00 24:26

Are there still times where you feel like you're resisting God in it and not pants off all the time?

SPEAKER_01 24:34

So when like being like in a situation, yeah. So I I don't think I do think that there's this level of of of fear, I would say, when that like opportunity comes. Um, I will be so honest, and like since knowing Jesus, I have like I haven't had any pursuit, which is like the and I and before, um, like no man, no man has been like pursuing me. Um, so I don't know if I would be like resistant to it. Um so but and like old me would have been like, man, why not me? Like, why am I not being pursued? And like, is this rejection? Um, like I would have I would have found like I would have questioned my worth in that. Oh yeah, BC Alex. Before G before Christ, yeah.

unknown 25:29

I wanted to clarify that.

SPEAKER_00 25:31

The girl that I just had earlier, yes, um, like she's gonna be in the first episode of that season. So I'll watch already, she also refers to BC. So don't get that.

SPEAKER_01 25:41

Um so I think that um like if someone were to pursue me, I think okay, what was the question again? If you if you desist bad or yeah, you're fully surrendered. Oh, yeah. So oh, what I was saying was like honestly, like that hasn't happened for me yet. And so I and before that would have felt like rejection, but I truly feel like he is just like protecting me so hard. Like I just think he's been like, I don't want these like Christian boys, no offense, keep pursuing the Lord. Um, but like people that are like I men that are not for me. Like, I think he've been protecting me in a way that um I don't understand.

SPEAKER_02 26:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:24

And so that's a really good way to look at it. Yeah. My friend, I just had this conversation with a friend about it, and I was like, oh, that's a beautiful way to look about look at it. I was like, I honestly haven't been pursued at all. And she was like, wow, he's protecting your heart so much. And I was like, he's such a good god, like just to like even reshape it that way. And he, and I know he is. Um, so I don't think I would be resistant. I just think it would be something that I would just like be leaning into, like leaning into him for. And like, I think I'll always like I hope, I just hope that it will be, I'll just look at the fruit like that. I'll that he's trained me this, he's got me to a point where I feel like confident and that I can see the fruit. Um and being open, but also prayerful and like bringing him into it. Before I was doing it all on my own, and now I think it's just this beautiful partnership where we can kind of like feel it out together. Yeah. Um, so I yeah, I think my heart is open, my hands are open. I would hope that when I am, like when someone is pursuing me, that I'm able to do it in a way that is um to be able to see the fruit. And I just like think that there's so much to friendship before. Um, I think it's so like in cult culture today, it's that's not what it is. It's like go on the dating apps, go on dates, get to know people, and like then see if you're gonna be in relationship, um, like keep going to the next step. I've done that and it it didn't work out. Yeah, exactly. And I think there's something about like being friends first at the same time of like intentional pursuit. Yes. I was like being friends, but like I also want to get to know you to see if this is something that we're gonna keep doing together. Yeah. Um, so it's like I think it comes back to like that clear communication. Um, but also being friends first. Like I think there's such beauty to like a friendship blossoming. I've just I've never had that before. So it's I can I think that's something that I would love. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

I think I think that is important, but I will say like it it definitely matters to still be the right person because I'd had that before. Like I'd had friendship blossom into something else, and then it still didn't work.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

So I think it just still has to be the right person. Right. But I think it all comes down to like is God the is God both of our foundation. Right. Are we able to have conversations about it, like clear communication and like intentionality? Like I think it's probably, and I don't know for by experience, but I would think that like if you're getting to know each other and like pursuing this friendship that could turn into something, it has to come back to like that clear communication, yeah, and like putting it on the tables, like where our heads at. Yeah, that's true in heart.

SPEAKER_00 29:12

So dating like in nowadays, are you just just like chilling, waiting?

SPEAKER_01 29:19

Yeah, I am, I would say I'm just like intentionally pursuing God, yeah. And like my heart is open, yeah. So it's not um, I'm not like seeking anything, but I'm so open. Like if it were to like come by and I'm like, I'm do the things, I'm going to church, I'm I'm go doing like small group. Um, so it's I'm putting myself out there, but it's in a way that is not how it used to be. Yeah. Whereas I was I used to be like going to the bars, and that's why that's the way I was like putting myself out there or on the dating apps. That is, I'm not on the dating apps, not going to the bar. Um, and yeah, just intentionally pursuing God and just trusting that it's gonna hit me in the face. Yeah, hopefully. Yeah. Yeah, hopefully. I know I can just like I just know, and I think it's just this like faith that he's built in me of just like I just know that he's going to fill that in his own time and it in his own way. And I just like just like the full surrender and just like leaving it at his feet. Like, I just know that's how he's gonna glorify it. Um, I I am done controlling things. And and I'm not I'm not like saying that dating apps are bad or anything. Like that's something that I know people do, yeah, and they find their people that way. It's just something that was such like a stronghold in my life, exactly. And I was using it the wrong way. Um, and I was idolizing it, like, yeah, idolizing it to find men and to like that was the way I was controlling my the outcome. Um, so it's just something that I don't think is for me. Um, but yeah, I'm I'm open. It's just it hasn't again, it's just not ha it hasn't happened for me. Um, even just like even the dating part. So yeah, I just I just think he's protecting me until it's like right. Yeah. Um, I think he just he's keeping me to himself right now. Um, but I'm just open. So that's how you hold it. Yeah, okay. So that's the way to be. I just think when we put too much of control into it and we like we also, I just feel like it can be such this like heavy burden and like this pressure, yeah. That like if we just like gave it to him, it's just like that is such a relief off my chest of like I don't have to do it myself, but I'm open and I'm I'm leaning in, like it's it's gotta happen.

SPEAKER_00 31:51

Do you think like if like a godly man came along that you felt like you saw the frames, do you think you'd have to be in a time of discernment with you and the Lord? Or would it be like, oh, this is a godly man and you'd just be like striving?

SPEAKER_01 32:04

Yeah, that's a good question because I can definitely be leading with my heart a lot. Um, and just I used to be so like so stuck on like how I felt about someone and then all the red flags and all the like other like the potential, like that was all things that was like get thrown aside because I had these like feelings. Um, so it'd definitely be something that I would have to use some discernment about, um, especially because I am like I'm just a lover girl. I have such a big heart and I just like want so badly to love someone and to serve them and and grow in life with. Um, so it's something that I know is such a desire in my heart. But I would, yeah, it would be, I know that all, not all, if you're cute and go to church, that is not equal, it is not equal my husband. Um, I learned that lesson like earlier on, but I think um, yeah, I would definitely have to that would be a conversation with God that I'd have to do often of just like using discernment and going to him first. Um, because I think there's that a like a level of fear in me um because of how much I was idolizing men before knowing Jesus, um, of like idolizing someone, not especially a godly man, because yeah, like they have all these qualities that I'm looking for. Yeah, and I do not want to idolize them. So it would be something I would definitely have to like go to God about often in um community too. Like my like sisters in Christ, um, especially my best friend, she would be second, second I would, you know, it's a second in line, it would be would be God and then my best right now. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:53

Do you think um that there's a way that the church, like not Mars Myssific churches, but the church as a whole, like could do better with the singleness season?

SPEAKER_01 34:03

Yeah, I think it's not talked about enough. I think, or it's not, I don't know. And like just from what I've seen, just like it's a lot of like about marriage and about like God first, then your marriage, then your kids. And I'm and then there are times where I'm like, okay, God first. Yeah, but like what about the like I'm not married yet and I don't have kids, and then I think like community or something. Um but I think it's yeah, I just don't think it's talked about enough. Yeah. Um, I think it's talked a lot about it with singles, like Christian singles, but it's just not, I don't think it's something that's talked about a lot in like bigger church settings. Right, yeah, exactly. Yeah, and I think it's a lot of things that I think I hear we hear from are people that are are married that were single once, which is beautiful, and I think it is like a good reminder of like they were single too. And but it is I think there can be sometimes this like just wait, it's gonna happen when you least expect it. Yeah. That one.

SPEAKER_02 35:06

That one.

SPEAKER_01 35:08

That one. Um so yeah, I think that and there, and then I think there's just this, like this, it's I think it's always been this waiting season. It's like it's gonna happen, and it's like, but I think there's not enough. And there I think there's like this, a lot of people that are married talk about like how they what they went through when they were single, and now that they're married, like it's beautiful, and it's I think there's just so much on this like waiting that's gonna happen rather than this switch to like what can we do in the single season? Yeah, like what is like really embracing and like this is not this what is the blessing and how can we be used for his kingdom during this time? Because I think it's it's there's so much of like he's gonna fill the desires of your heart, which I'm faithful, like I know he will, but I think it's it turns into this this waiting season, and I just feel like it's more passive than it is let's do something about it in this season. Like let this is the operation, like this is something where this is a big deal. Yeah, exactly. I just don't think it's I don't think it's talked about a lot. Of I think it's talked about as a waiting season, yeah, and not talked about as like a a time for it to prepare, like a preparation season. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:23

Um I had this like um conversation just a couple of days ago with this amazing woman of God that was telling me like in her single season how she instead of like God, husband, kid, is like God, and then it's like preparing yourself to be a wife. Oh, that's so it's like what do you need to do still? What areas of your life do you need to work on still so that like when you get married, you're really ready for it.

SPEAKER_01 36:48

Yeah, that's so good. Yeah, I love that because it really should be that. Like, in okay, we're not just waiting, but yeah, just twiddling our thumbs. Like that and then not wasting time because this is actually beautiful time that we can spend with the Lord. And it's like we won't always have that time. Like, I can't where I won't always have like a full hour without kids in the background to like be in my quiet time and like really lean in. Um, and like after work, like I won't have this two hours where I can really just like be with God. And it's just I think we can we'll get too caught up with like comparing and like being on social media or like longing and and watching like Christian singles like talk about how it's how hard it is to be single. And it's no, this is the time where we have to again like that undivided, like to like we have undivided time with the Lord, and it's it's I don't think it's talked about enough. Like I had to come to that after some love and conviction, like rather like this part, this time where I'm like, okay, it is like this is a blessing. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:56

What um what's something that you like have stopped believing that kind of has brought you peace in this season?

SPEAKER_01 38:03

Yeah, I think I would say like one of the first things that I stopped believing was like that I had to control things, that I had to like act for it for things to like happen. Um and like rest, um, just coming back to like I don't need to act, like I don't actually need to strive for anything. Like it's just when I rest and and and remaining in him, then like I know he's doing a work in me. Whereas before I think I was trying to fill this hole in my heart of like I was filling it with like self-help books, like anytime I went through like a hard like a breakup or whatever, I like was filling with like self-help books and like action and having to do all these things. And it's like what I learned quickly of just like I actually feel so much more peace when I am just leaning into him and resting in him and not striving. Like actually, like he's in the driver's seat, I'm in the passenger seat. Like that switch has been like game changer, yeah. Um, so I before I believed that I really had to like control the outcome and I don't, and it's man, it's a relief. Oh yeah. I'm very, I think we're like very similar.

SPEAKER_00 39:22

So um I also very much I was still constantly like reminding myself like he is in control. So I'd be like, yeah, I'm at the point where like he's in the driver's seat, I'm in the passenger seat. I still have that struggle though sometimes. I'm like, all right, are you sure?

SPEAKER_01 39:34

Yeah, are you sure you gotta tell me to take tell me get in? You want to switch? Um, but yeah, I think that is a big thing. Um and I think what was the question again? I just I know I had another phone. Um, what have you stopped believing that spray moves? I don't you do you have a cloud? I don't know. Because I feel like what have I stopped believing? Like I think other than like I can I was like, let me think for a second. Yeah, because I because I like you're like the I'm not worthy. Okay, yes. Oh, yeah, and that's yes, yeah. Okay, I've definitely had that. And that's what I was that's what I thought your question was of like what have I come out of agreement with? Yeah, okay, got it. Okay, I love that. I thought that was maybe like what do you what are people told you that you don't believe? But I think it's like I like the question better of like, what are you coming out? What have you come out of agreement with? Yeah, um, definitely worthiness. Um, I I had like such a stronghold of rejection. Um, and just and even like he's even challenged me in this season of not being pursued, of just like, is all of me would have thought this is rejection. And I actually like that, I come out of agreement with like that is from the enemy. Um, so and then coming back, like speaking scripture over myself, like I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, like in his perfect image. Um, so it's being able to like combat those thoughts from the enemy. Um, he's such a loser. And being able to like speak scripture, that's something that he, and I'm not by any means like an expert in scripture. Um, it's something that I'm learning and and seeking, but being able to find those things, those those gems, and being able to speak that over myself. Um, and I've just learned so much authority in Jesus that I'm able to use scripture to come out of agreement with old ones. Yeah. Um, like rejection, um, insecurity, control, um, fear. There's so many things that I like it was such a stronghold of my life. And it definitely was like the driver of the relationships I was in, um, and being able to like come out of agreement. He's done so much deliverance in me, but also there's I think you can be delivered from something, and also those things can creep in and do yeah parts of your life any day. Um, but being able to like actually like use scripture to speak over yourself and just also coming out of agreement with it, like flicking like the enemy is literally like a bug, and just like flicking it away, but it's got so much power in that. Like any thought of like unworthiness or rejection, like I literally like stop that um and use scripture, and it's something that that has been so transformative in my heart. It's like those fleeting thoughts that I used to like really get stuck on and and just think about all the time are like more fleeting, and like I can squash it with scripture, which is really cool. So I've come out of agreement with a lot of things that were definitely keeping me like chained up. Are there like specific scriptures that you think of? Leah, you think of the scriptures that you use to Yep. So definitely the Psalm, I wrote it down because it was I would forget. Um the rejection piece, Psalm 139, 14. I'm gonna open up my Bible so I can read. Um, but this one, I feel like I'm I I've in the past like month or so have really been um speaking it out loud over myself because I think there's just something to like the authority in that of being able to like actually say it out loud. Um where are you? This is definitely not there. We go. Okay, 139. This is also a muscle I'm practicing of being able to like not just go on my phone and find it. Find it in the actual Bible, yeah. And there's some like scripture that I think that has I'll definitely share about like what's been helpful for my anxiety. 3914. Oh, thank. For making me so want wonderfully complex. Your workmanship is marvelous. How will I know it? And I the one I know is I've this one's an LT. But the other one that's like um that you're fearfully alone. Oh, mm-hmm. That one. That one was someone's worded differently. Um, yeah, but I think speaking that over myself, um, when I have like really anxious thoughts, or like a thought that is like definitely not from me and not from God, um, 2 Corinthians 10, 5, um I abolish arguments that um go against the knowledge of God and I take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. Um, anytime that there's like those fleeting like, you're not worth, you're not worth enough, or um, you're you're not enough, you're like this is rejection, um you're not good enough, like all those feelings, like when those come, it's or it's like you're never gonna find a husband. It's like I literally like will take the thought in my head and like give it to God, like put it at his feet. And that there's so much peace in that. Um, so I think that there's so much authority in being able to speak scripture over those thoughts and like actually like not declaring it over yourself, like death can literally come from the tongue. So it's like when you speak that over yourself, you're literally declaring it. So I don't say that I'm I have anxiety, I don't say I have OCD, like I don't declare those over myself, saying that I'm never gonna find someone, like those are things that I do not declare over myself. And there's so much authority in like saying that you come out of agreement with those. Um, and then buying scripture to say out loud to be up against those.

SPEAKER_00 45:42

Yeah. And I, our pastor actually recently um in a sermon was like, Don't claim anxiety as my anxiety. Oh, so yeah, every time I think of it, because that's something I'm used to doing. You need to have grown up with anxiety forever. So I'm always in like, oh, my anxiety, this, my anxiety that. So like over the last couple of months, since he said that, every time I'm like, my anxiety, just I this this anxious thought I thought different.

SPEAKER_01 46:04

Yes, yeah, yeah, uh huh, yeah, for sure. And the um the other one um that I love is do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. And that is one, I got it tattooed. Can't see it, but it's I got tattooed on my um little had a this past like couple weeks ago. Um, and that is the verse that was given to me on my baptism um with a rose. It was beautiful, prayed over. Um, and I just that's such a big part of my testimony about be about being anxious. Um, so I speak that over myself often because I think there's it's like twofold. It's like don't be anxious, but in every situation, bring it to God um with gratitude, like with thanksgiving, like be thankful for these like situations that we're in, like even in this waiting season, even when it's hard, it's like bring it to God. Like He and then it's a present request to God. So we still are we're actively praying for it. Um, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding. So just knowing that you're bringing it to him, you're leaving it at its feet, like that just brings such peace. Yeah. Um, and and it'll guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. And I think for me, especially in dating, my heart, that was something that was always giving so freely. Yeah. Like there was the only person protecting my heart was myself, and I was not doing a job. Yeah. I was giving it out. And and then it says, and protect your hearts and your minds. So it's also protecting my thoughts from anxiety, like yeah, in in everyday life, but also when that person comes along. Um, just like I know that don't be anxious, like that is literally scripture. Do not be anxious, and then bring it to God and just let Him be your peace. And like just He's gonna guard your heart and your mind. And that so that's that scripture is like there's so many layers to it. Yeah. Um, so that is definitely one I'll speak over myself often. Yeah, that's a good one. And yeah, but and the end of it with the Thanksgiving piece reminds me of like an entering to his gates of Thanksgiving too. Oh, that's good. Because yeah, if you're I don't think you can be thankful and worried at the same genre of that, I've heard that before. Yeah. So if you're just thinking of things that you're thankful for, then you can't be thinking of all the things that you're anxious about at the same time. Yeah, yeah. Especially in singleness, because I think it's we can so frequently be in this longing, yeah, feeling, um, and and wanting and yeah and waiting. And it's but then those come with thoughts of like, I'm not good enough. I'm like, when's it gonna be my time? And it's like I think again, switching to the to being thankful, like the gratitude part, like just even thinking about like I'm just grateful to be in this, even though it's not yet like I'm grateful for the time that I have with the Lord. Yeah. And that I can also like change it. So it's like I'm yeah, I'm pursuing God, but I'm also serving him. Like, how can I serve the kingdom? Yeah, like, and what does that look like? So it's like trying to find what your like calling is and being able to use that in the singleness season. It's like, so you're pursuing him, you're serving the kingdom, so you can't lose. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. All right, last question for you.

SPEAKER_00 49:29

Yeah. Um, what is one piece of encouragement that you give to someone that's in the same season that you're in?

SPEAKER_01 49:35

Yeah, I think coming back to like the faith part, um, really having this like the faith, like the the woman that was bleeding for 12 years, like that long that was a long time. But like she was so faithful that like touching the hem and he was like, you're healed. Yeah. Like I just come back to like that level of faith. Like the I will wait forever.

SPEAKER_00 49:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:59

And if like just remaining faithful in him, um and asking inviting him in on the days that it's hard. Um, because I think, yeah, I can tell you to be to have faith with the way, but it's there are times where we can't we don't have that in our own strength. Yeah. And it's leaning in to the word into prayer and like asking God to give you the strength, give you the faith, like Lord, please search my heart in like helping, asking for help and being with him, asking him to be with you in those hard times. Yeah. Um, but also stop waiting. Yeah. Um, stop waiting. It is not a time to wait. It is a time to serve, it's a time to pursue him full force. Like it is, this is undivided season, not it is not a waiting season. And that is something that I was actively doing before was like just looking at different devotionals and all these like different Christian singles. And it was like this waiting season. I'm like, it is, it is a time to serve, and it's a time to pursue him. Um, and just I think that gratitude piece, like being grateful for this as a blessing and not a curse, which is it's and of course, all these things are easier said than done. Right. But it's like, okay, now that I have I do have a lot of time where I'm not in like giving time to a husband or giving time to kids, what can I do? I can serve. Yep. How can I can serve in at church on Sundays? I can serve in the community, I can serve in in my community, like I can serve to my friends. Like there are ways that we can show up in our lives without a husband. Yeah. Um, and I think we have this like longing to like love and be loved. And I think just like pouring all that into God, like loving him and loving others full force, um, loving your like your friend, your friends, your family, like pouring all that love that you could be that you are wanting to pour into a husband, pour into the people in your life.

SPEAKER_00 52:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 52:00

And and then also see how much they're pouring into you. I am I've never felt more loved in my life now, knowing Jesus, knowing the love he has for me, but also for my community. Like I've never felt so loved by my friends and and my my sisters and brothers in Christ. Like having a community that loves me unconditionally is I I'm so grateful for it that it's the this longing hurts a little less. Yeah, yeah. That's really good.

SPEAKER_00 52:30

Oh no, thanks, Alex. I'm so glad that you came. Joy's glad I was here. Thank you so much, but of course. All right, bye guys. Thank you guys so much for spending time with us today. I really loved having you here. If you liked this episode, make sure you share it with someone you know. I'd also love if you guys would comment any questions you might have that we can answer on future episodes. Remember that each one of you was born for such a time as this. Until next time. Bye.