Single & Set Apart: Finding God in the Hard Seasons

What happens when life doesn’t go the way you planned?

In this episode of For Such a Time As This, I sit down with my friend Edwin to talk about singleness, faith, disappointment, and learning to trust God through every season.

We discuss what it looks like to delight yourself in the Lord while still holding desires in your heart, how to navigate the reality that people are imperfect and sometimes inconsistent, and why closed doors don’t always mean failure. Sometimes the things that don’t work out are simply stepping stones leading us where God intended us to be all along.

Edwin shares how looking back on difficult seasons reveals God’s faithfulness in ways we couldn’t see at the time, reminding us that even when life feels uncertain, God is always present and working behind the scenes.

Whether you’re navigating singleness, dating, heartbreak, or simply learning to trust God’s timing, this conversation is a reminder that no season is wasted when it’s surrendered to Him.

Transcript

SPEAKER_06 0:02

Hey guys! Welcome back to another episode of Perfect Time Is This, a podcast about calling, timing, and trusting God in the season that you're actually in, not just the one you hope to be in. My name's Bethany and I'm your host. This season is our second season. It's called Single and Set Apart. So I'm talking to um Christian singles or people that were single kind of later in life but aren't single anymore. Um and I'm super excited for what you guys might learn in this season. Um, so let's just sit back, relax, and see what God might have for you in this episode. Hi guys, this is my friend Edwin. We are here on another episode of uh for such a time as this, our second season, which is Single and Set Apart. Edwin, thank you for being here. I'm so excited to have you.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

So cool. Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_06 0:51

Of course. So let's just like jump right in. Tell us kind of like about your singleness journey.

SPEAKER_03 0:57

Let's singleness journey. Okay. Um, well, I'm 36.

SPEAKER_02 1:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:03

I'll be 37 in May.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:05

Um, so I will have to say it kind of started as a teenager.

SPEAKER_02 1:09

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:10

Uh where I am today. Um, but I'm gonna just start there. So when I was probably 13, um my youth pastor, her name was Carrie Matthews, and it kind of made me a tad bit upset. I remember coming to church. We were on this um youth retreat called Rock, and uh they have it everywhere, every year in the Ocean City. And um, I don't know how the topic came up, but she was like, Um, all right guys, you know, you're not supposed to have sex until you're married.

SPEAKER_05 1:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:45

That topic came up good to know. Um, so I was like, I got mad at that point because I was like, I don't want to get married till like I'm in my 30s. Like, I don't want, I gotta wait.

SPEAKER_06 1:56

That's valid. That's so valid.

SPEAKER_03 1:58

Okay, like I gotta wait like all that time. Um, so like, but that started molding who I was at the time because I started taking my like that celibacy journey like serious. But I think as like us, like I said, has been molding me that my high school and college journey, I think, was um a bit of a challenge because you know, that's not cool, like in high school. That's not cool, you know? So it was kind of uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable like just being myself. It's like I want to represent God, but I want to be cool and fit in.

SPEAKER_06 2:42

Right, that's fair. You went to public high school, yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. I went to private high school, so I'm sure it's even harder. Public school.

SPEAKER_03 2:50

Yeah, so uh it's been a journey, but that was obviously in my high school years and my college years, but um I was not uh well, I eventually lost my virginity and I kind of caved into the standards. Um so now I have a 13-year-old son, he's about to be 14, but it's just been a journey from my 20s to my 30s. So I would say overall, like my experience is just like God's grace, his mercy, and him covering me um through each stage of my life. So I kind of just take notes every year. I pray to God, like mental notes. And um I think like kind of when you go on like a date, it's like you expect to eventually get married. So I've been dating, you know, since I was in college pretty much, and um still single. So I think it's just really I've learned, like, I think a big part of why we're here is just like character building and God constantly putting us in that fire and and yeah, and molding us, yeah. So overall, like the the singleness journey, it's just like ours is really just bringing me closer to God. Um and just learning and becoming becoming a better me each day. So it's overall, I guess in just one word, a journey. I am I am happy to say that the past four years I have been celibate. So uh yeah, I appreciate just constantly growing and growing. Right so and learning, and I think the main thing is grace. Not only God blessing me with his grace, but we have to give it to other people as well.

SPEAKER_06 4:40

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Have you had like um long-term relationships in there, or it's just been a bunch of dating?

SPEAKER_03 4:46

Yeah, um, so in the college age, I met the mother of my child, and um I think it was just kind of forced. You know, when you're young like that, it's like uh, you know, you don't really well, I didn't, I didn't have like any boundaries, you know, I didn't have like certain standards I was supposed to have, and I kind of like even so recently to over the past years, I um I think I expect people to kind of just know certain things. I feel like I shouldn't have to have certain conversations. So, but you know, like in today's day and age, it's like you have to say, Hey, these are my expectations. So these are my expectations. So um, so then you're aligned, and that's called clear communication. You know, so I say all that to say during that time when I met the mother of my child, I didn't have any of those things. We did have a child together. Um, and I'll probably say I met her in 2010, and um probably for like the first four years of knowing her, that was kind of like a relationship that was like the long term, but from 2014 to 2020, it was just like an on and off thing.

SPEAKER_01 6:04

So uh I guess that's kind of like uh a 10-year relationship, five year, maybe five years technically. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 6:13

Okay, okay. And then how how does parenthood shape like your singleness and dating nowadays?

SPEAKER_03 6:19

Uh parenthood I think the good thing is just about about getting older and getting closer to Christ. It's just like that fully being surrendered, uh, and just including God on every decision that I make. So I would probably say parenthood is just like I do my Bible studies, I do Bible studies specifically for single parents, and um it's just following God's voice. I would probably say it's not too, not too different. And I I respect everybody's feelings or how they feel. If I say, hey, I like you, I want to take you out, and somebody says, you know, if she says, I don't, I want to start my own family, you know, you already have a child, I respect that because I kind of I had like the same mentality when I was younger before I had a son.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

Right.

SPEAKER_03 7:13

So um just getting past your feelings, getting past, like, you know, I'm at this point where you kind of expect certain things to happen. And when you have standards, when you have boundaries, when you have Jesus in your life, it kind of like you're like that anomaly, where it's like the field you're picking from is so small. It's eight million people down here on the terrible right, you might be picking from 20 million, like that's your range, you know. So it's really just like being bringing everything to God. I will say, like, the last woman that I dated, she was like kind of scared to meet my son.

SPEAKER_00 7:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 7:54

And I didn't want to force it. I don't want to force it. She said, like, happenstance, um, if he's around or if I bring him to church, then and he's there, then cool. But I think like she kind of had a fear of I don't know what it was. She's like, I've never been like a stepmom before. I've never dated anybody with children.

SPEAKER_06 8:15

She might have been scared that he wouldn't like her.

SPEAKER_03 8:19

That could be it. But um, I don't so my ex isn't married now, and I was trying to turn her, like he said he loves his stepdad.

SPEAKER_06 8:28

Right. Um, so they have still like even like for me, I'm thinking like if I did someone that has a kid, I would be a little bit nervous.

SPEAKER_03 8:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 8:36

Because I'm like, what if he doesn't like me? Then this is not gonna work.

SPEAKER_03 8:40

I get it. I totally get it. Um I don't know. I guess some people may think you're lied. You say, Oh, my kid's a good kid, but like, he's a good kid. So but I think it's still like just merging like family dynamics and things like that.

SPEAKER_06 8:57

For sure.

SPEAKER_03 8:58

It can be, I guess that can be like a challenge as well, but I don't know. Maybe like when you're meeting somebody's parents or something that you can kind of compare the two, like you want to be on your best.

SPEAKER_05 9:08

Right, yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 9:09

Maybe that's what it is.

SPEAKER_05 9:10

Yes, yeah, I think so. I don't I don't want to speak for her. She's probably a totally different idea, but that would be my first thought.

SPEAKER_03 9:17

Got you, got you. Yeah, I will say not to not say, all right, I'm cutting you off. But I will say, I think during the like four or five months that we dated, that was kind of like a towards like the third or fourth month, I was like, hey, like my son's gonna be a church. And it's like it was like kind of like an anxiety that she would get.

SPEAKER_05 9:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:40

I will say the next time if I date and there's kind of like an apprehensiveness, I'm gonna take a note. I'm not gonna say this is done, but I'm not gonna drag it out before I'm gonna.

SPEAKER_06 9:51

Keep your eye on it, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:52

Yeah, so if I feel like because you always know, like I've heard um no response is a response. So if you keep responding the same way or not responding, it's kind of like, you know, we'll just be friends. And that's what I'm learning. That's what I'm learning about life. It's just like you have to expect inconsistencies from people, you have to expect people to be human. Uh, you have to just expect everything. You know what I mean? Because even when I pray to God, it's like, hey, God, I want this, but if you don't give it to me, let's pivot and you show me what to do. So um, I think that's that's the key. And and when I don't get what I want, it's like uh I'm glad because it wasn't meant to be. Right. I don't want to be better than coming. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 10:39

So do you have certain boundaries around like how long you date someone before you tell them you have a son or then before you let them meet him?

SPEAKER_03 10:47

Uh I'll probably tell him immediately. I would want you to know immediately. So then it's not like uh a year later.

SPEAKER_05 10:54

Oh yeah, yeah, okay. Not a year.

SPEAKER_03 10:58

You know what I mean? So then like you just can just kind of be like, okay. Right. I'm okay with this, I'm not okay with this. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_06 11:05

Yeah. And then do you wait to introduce him to someone for a little while? I feel like maybe since he's older, it doesn't matter when they're little.

SPEAKER_03 11:12

I'm getting up there. Yeah, he um he'll be 14 this year. So I would probably just say when it gets serious.

SPEAKER_02 11:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 11:20

But I I will have to say, like, I've only been in like one serious relationship in my whole life. So, and that was with his mother. So I really haven't had to introduce him to anybody. Okay. You know?

SPEAKER_06 11:29

So what's been the like hardest or most tension-filled part of like your singleness season?

SPEAKER_03 11:39

Um the hardest or most tension is I would probably say comparison. Probably comparison.

SPEAKER_06 11:50

Like comparing your life to other people. Yeah, other people.

SPEAKER_03 11:53

Yeah. But um, like I said, just learning to be grateful. Cause it's like it's hard to not see other people's journey. You know what I mean? It's like, like I said, I've been celibate for for four years. I I thank God. I feel like I thank him through my hard times. I will say that the the verse of the day yesterday on the Bible was, Delight in the Lord, and He'll give you the desires of your heart. And I was reading that and I was like, Edwin, you don't you kind of mope in the Lord. You don't really delight in him all the time. When you're going through a difficult time, you kind of mope and complain a little bit.

SPEAKER_06 12:30

Right.

SPEAKER_03 12:31

So have you been delighting in me? And that kind of like There was a light bulb that went off.

SPEAKER_06 12:36

Yeah, good reminder.

SPEAKER_03 12:37

Yeah, yeah. So that that comparison, because like I said, I've been celibing for four years. I'm in my word. And it's like other people who kind of just like are doing the contrary.

SPEAKER_04 12:51

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 12:52

And people who like, I don't feel like they sacrifice like I have. And I have I it's been like a little bit of pressure as far as like my my upbringing because I was like raised in the church. And it's like, God, I've been I've been preaching like since I was 14. I've been at my job, like we hang out outside of work. I host the whole Bible study for you. Um people like will just stop me, say, hey, randomly, like, can you pray for me, please? I'm going through this and da-da-da-da-da. And I'm doing this, and I just want my my woman to come. Right.

SPEAKER_06 13:30

I feel you. I'm the same. I grew up, yeah, I grew up in church, so it's often like, all right, Lord, I've been doing all these things for a long time here. Yeah, I feel you. Um, with the comparison stuff, uh, for me, social media is such a big trigger for that. I don't know how much you're on social media, but I've taken over the last like six months, I think I've taken like two different um like social media like fasts um for like two or three weeks at a time. Cause sometimes it just gets like I'm happy for those people. I am but when it gets to the point where I'm like not a hundred percent happy and I'm a little bit jealous, I'm like, let me take a break and not see this over.

SPEAKER_03 14:06

I'm not mad at you. How so how was it like for you as far as like your journey and singleness, and I guess what do you do besides like the social media feds when you have those moments?

SPEAKER_05 14:19

Look at you asking me questions back.

SPEAKER_06 14:23

Nobody else has really asked, so we haven't even really heard my singleness journey either yet. Yeah. Really? Um, I've been, I'll say I haven't been someone's girlfriend in um five years, but I was uh exclusively dating somebody about a year ago for a couple months. Okay. Um I grew up in the church. Uh once I got I was very sheltered. So I didn't even like have boyfriends talk to boys like through high school.

SPEAKER_03 14:51

Yeah. Is it like a pressure? I feel like it's like a pressure for girls because like I'm sure your dad is a big part of your life. Is it like uh, hey, don't be talking to any boys?

SPEAKER_06 15:00

Is it like my dad's not really that type of dad? Like he's very present in my life, but he's not really the type of like don't be talking to boys. It's just uh I went to private school, so it also was like we were taught like don't have sex before marriage, right? Don't spend time with guys by yourself, all the things. Um, and and I was super I'm still introverted, but I was insanely introverted in high school. Like I get people were like, oh, you talk?

SPEAKER_03 15:26

I think it was the same way.

SPEAKER_06 15:27

Yeah. So I just did me talking to boys, no. Um, but once I actually got into like the workforce, like so when I started my job at Chick-fil-A um back when I was 17, then you're back in the you're back in the like not in your Christian bubble anymore.

SPEAKER_04 15:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 15:43

Um, as much as Chick-fil-A is a Christian establishment, not all the people that work there are Christians. Yeah. Um, so I had boys paying attention to me then.

SPEAKER_02 15:52

So I was like, this is interesting.

SPEAKER_06 15:55

Okay. I like this. So went through a little phase of not, I mean, I was still following the Lord, but not following what he would have wanted me to do. Gotcha. Um for a decent couple of years there, like through so like throughout college years. Um, and then after my last like breakup breakup five years ago, I've spent the last like five years like just like, okay, Lord, I'm gonna try to do it your way, but hurry up.

SPEAKER_03 16:24

I got you. I got you. So you don't mind me asking, if you don't mind me asking, because I made I was talking to Ch GPT the other day, and I made a list of like the foundation, the keys to a healthy relationship.

SPEAKER_05 16:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:39

And then as well, just like personal preferences. Like, what do you think holds a relationship together besides Jesus?

SPEAKER_06 16:48

Well, I mean, yeah, Jesus is the the main answer. But then just uh the honesty and clear communication, I think, are like the biggest things. And then like I have certain I'm not one of those people like Pastor Talks about, like, has like a list of 20 things and like you're not gonna find someone like that. I'm just I just have my basic, like, I want like a leader, protector, provider. You're simple. Well, I'm asking. Sorry.

SPEAKER_03 17:11

I got you.

SPEAKER_06 17:12

Um, so yeah. What about you? What do you think?

SPEAKER_03 17:15

Uh I agree. I agree. Uh, communication, uh, values uh equally yoked. And I think just like starting off just being friends, like legit, like I think our perspective of life, like the world's perspective, kind of become our perspective. And it's like it it's entertaining, but it's irritating at the same time. When I hear somebody say, Oh, well, you gotta be 6'6, and she gotta go back and she gotta do this and have this kind of body. I'm like, that could literally be like this a blessing in front of you, but they're not the right height, they don't make they don't make the right amount. And people's income changes like exactly.

SPEAKER_06 17:55

And if you're gonna get married, you're marrying someone and they're gonna be totally different in like five years and ten years. That's a different person.

SPEAKER_03 18:02

That's the thing. It's like, bro, you literally have a gift in front of you. You're like, uh, well, her skin tone's not what I like, so Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_06 18:10

I mean, you do you do have to be attracted to them.

SPEAKER_03 18:12

You do have that is true. But you don't need to be that picky, yes, like yes, but you know, I was just curious.

SPEAKER_06 18:19

No, yeah, thanks for asking. Um, do you feel like pressure outside of your own pressure on yourself? Do you feel pressure from like other people, like within your family, your church, to like find something?

SPEAKER_03 18:32

Well, I have learned, like I said, I have learned to just be okay. Like Jesus Christ is enough. And if I don't have it, it's not the right time or it's not meant to be. And I'm just grateful for where I'm at at each moment. Not that I don't have moments of frustration, but I guess just to answer that question directly, I would say no, because like just learning the promises of God, he just says, I never leave or forsake you, I'll always be with you. Um, not a hair on your head will perish. It doesn't say I, you know, I guarantee you the desires of your heart. It doesn't say I guarantee you marriage.

SPEAKER_05 19:15

Right.

SPEAKER_03 19:16

You know, and there's a lot of you will suffer, and there will be sickness and there will be um contention with other people. So there's no guarantee. So I just feel like I look at it as like, I don't know if this is a silly analogy. I look at life as like the stove. Like they say, sometimes people put themselves on the back burner too much.

SPEAKER_04 19:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:39

So God all his stuff is on the front burner, my stuff is on the back burner. So when it comes to people's uh uh opinion and pressure, I would probably say no. And I'm I'm kinda at the point right now I'm good, but like I'm okay if I never get married, you know. Yeah, I I have to be.

SPEAKER_06 19:58

Right. Yeah, that's so fair. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:01

So uh yeah, I will say, you know, I I did expect to be married by this time in my life.

SPEAKER_05 20:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:09

Uh, but I'm okay with whatever I I don't get. And I think that the suffering that I've been through, I've um actually just to give like a quick, not too long drawn-out story, the last movie that I made, um, I'm a filmmaker, by the way, guys. The last movie that I made, um, I spent $35,000 on it. And that was like all the money that I had.

SPEAKER_04 20:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:33

And um, it crushed me because my editor director stopped like answering my calls, they stopped editing the movie. And um I had a deal to get it distributed, and they pulled out on the deal because they were like, you're not serious, you're not getting the stuff. So I'm like, I have this, I'm $35,000 in a hole. And um, I don't have anything. I make this movie, I don't have anything to show for it.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:00

So that's rough. It it God is pulling me out. This happened maybe like a year or two ago. So God is pulling me out. And I think just being in that place of being broken, like God showed me, like, I'm I'm right here. It hurts, I know it hurts, but I'm still with you. So I think as far as the pressure, like when you when when you make it through those, like, those painful seasons, you realize like it didn't kill you.

unknown 21:27

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_03 21:27

And um, so I I would probably say it's not really, it's no no pressure, especially after going through things like that, you know what I mean? Right.

SPEAKER_06 21:35

That's good. So shifting a little bit from like what the tensions and the what's missing from life is like what has God shaped in you? Like what's something that you've seen God do in this season of singleness for you? Besides we just kind of talking.

SPEAKER_05 21:52

What's something else?

SPEAKER_03 21:54

Um, what has God shaped in me this season? Um I would probably say grace. God has has of course given me grace, but I think allowing grace for other people um molding me. I feel like I get a little bit better each year. And um I feel like I had it on the nose because I normally write my prayers down. And um I feel like I wrote something down specifically recently. Oh man. It'll come to me. It'll come to me. But it's just always like just just shaping my character, like somehow, some way. And and really is building more trust in him, like strengthening my trust. And I think like that that's the difficult thing about serving God. It's like he has to put you in a place where you need him. And you'll be like, God, I need you right now. I need you right now. He'll be like, uh, you know, well, I'll help you in like a wicker two.

SPEAKER_06 23:07

Like, I need like I need you to go through the fire first a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 23:10

Right. Yeah. And that that builds the trust. So oh my gosh. I'd probably bring it back up maybe in a little bit. But I had like my hand on something like the other day. But it's always just like character building, um, giving grace. Cause I don't like I hope I hope you don't look at me negatively about this, but I went through the season where it's like kept saying I don't like people.

SPEAKER_05 23:34

Samara, I went through that season too, which is no.

SPEAKER_06 23:38

I think, are you introverted too?

SPEAKER_03 23:40

I am. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 23:40

So as an introvert, I'm pretty sure we all go through this season.

SPEAKER_03 23:43

Yeah. Like, I don't like people. Because it's almost like I had in my mind, like, people are here to hurt you. Like okay, okay. Because in my mind, it's like, I just feel like in my mind, I don't intentionally hurt people.

SPEAKER_04 23:58

Right.

SPEAKER_03 23:58

Is how I feel. And I feel like we don't know what the people who are around us at our job throughout the day are going through. So when they take that pain out on us, it's not necessarily us that plan it.

SPEAKER_00 24:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:08

Right. So yeah, I'm not in that place now. And I can say that I went through like a season, maybe for like a month or two. Like I didn't even like myself for because I allow people to take advantage of me. But like I said, I went through seasons without having the tools to like really defend myself.

SPEAKER_04 24:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:29

So now, like, although my son's only 13, I'm like, hey, hey, son, what's the boundary?

unknown 24:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:34

How do you protect yourself? You know, a bank account, you need a pen code to access their money. Okay, how do people access your heart? How do people access it?

SPEAKER_06 24:43

Oh good. I'm glad you're teaching him that kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_03 24:45

I I don't want him to go through what I went through. Hey, you know, I realize that we attract certain things. If you're a giver, you're gonna attract taker. So you gotta have limits, you know.

SPEAKER_06 24:56

Yeah. Hey you guys, it's me again. Don't worry, I'll be right back with our guests. I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you so much for spending time with us today. I hope you're enjoying the episode so far. Let's sit and think about what might have been said that can relate to your life today. And if you're enjoying it, make sure you like, subscribe, follow, comment, all the things you can find us on YouTube for such a time as this with Bethany Garner, or you can find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. All right, let's get back to them. So, how are you practically navigating the dating world nowadays? Like, I know you said you'd like to meet people organically. Are you on the apps at all?

SPEAKER_03 25:43

Um not. I'm not, and I kinda um for those people who know me and Bethany, we go to union church together. So I kind of want to talk to the leaders. Like, can we start a union dating app at the Just for all the people that go to union? Yes, but all the people about the United.

SPEAKER_05 26:02

Yeah, the worst idea.

SPEAKER_03 26:04

So I'm like, um I'm not on the apps, but this is the thing. I think just being honest, I shoot my shot, I would probably say it falls. If I shoot 10 shots, it might go in two times. So I might get two dates, and it's kind of like I don't know. It'll be something. Like I said, the last person that I last woman that I was um seriously dating, I felt like we were moving in the right direction, but um, you know, asking questions kind of show that we weren't. So um I think I'm at the point right now I'm not using the amps. I think I don't know. A part of me is kind of like, you know, Pastor Stephen will be like, You single, you know, especially in your 30s, you might want to open all your options. But I don't know. I just kind of feel like life is like that organic experience where you actually know who they are. You may not make know a ton of them, ton about them, but I'm I'm like the face-to-face person to person. And I think that yeah, I feel like women are more, you know, acceptable and they respect a man who can say, hey, oh, for sure. I like you rather than you see receive a message on your phone, like you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_06 27:25

Oh, yes, 100%. And I think like um from the woman's perspective, a lot of us uh uh in the church nowadays are like, why are men not like approaching people? Like it's not a thing that happens as much anymore. Oh yeah, yeah. So I commend you still shooting your shot in person.

SPEAKER_03 27:41

And then with me being introverted, right? And I will say you're really sweet because I think the first time we actually held a conversation was at uh Brick Studios. And you walk yeah, yeah, you walked up to him and said, Hey Edwin. And like we kinda I think that was kind of cool. So I I think it's like a bit of extra, maybe a teeny bit of extrovert.

SPEAKER_06 28:02

I'll tell you, it's not I'm unless is it possible to like change over time? Because there was no extrovert in me.

SPEAKER_03 28:08

Maybe it's a uh maybe I think you're just like a social introvert. Like if you're like if you're at a table, you're not gonna not talk to you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_06 28:19

Yeah, but before I came to union, that wasn't true.

SPEAKER_02 28:24

Really? Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 28:26

Um, I don't know. Something about union like brought me out of my shell.

SPEAKER_02 28:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 28:30

Um, I really don't like I don't know. I think so when I left my previous church and I started coming to union, I actually like went through this in my head and was like, I kind of have the opportunity to like go into a place where nobody knows me and I can be like a different version of myself. Okay, okay. Um, and I didn't like necessarily being as introverted as I was. Um, like I like the introverted side of me, but I didn't like being as quiet as I was. So I was like, I'm gonna go to this church and I'm gonna be more bubbly and more chocative. Okay. So now, like all my friends at Union, like when I tell them I'm introverted, they're always like, Bethany, no, you're not. And I'm like, I promise I am. This is just like who I've become. And it's become easier and easier the longer I've been at Union because now I have so many friends because I like came out of my shell. Yeah. So now that I have so many friends and I've done it so many times, I'm like, oh my gosh, I can do this. I can talk to people.

SPEAKER_03 29:26

I don't know. I feel like introverts, like we just kind of know, like, you know what I mean? Oh, that's my introverted friend right there. Like, yeah, we can kind of I can be myself. I can be myself.

SPEAKER_06 29:35

Yeah. And I still have like I still have to put myself in the mindset of being introverted or extroverted when I go into a room. Um, like if like when I go to groups at Union and I'm going to like my first time at a group, I like have to like hype myself up to be like I'm about to meet so many new people. All right, we gotta be talkative.

SPEAKER_04 29:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 29:55

Or there'll be times where I'm just like not feeling it because I just I'm I've worn out my social battery because it wears out quickly being an introvert. So sometimes, like last night, for example, I went to a worship night and I went and I was like, I this is not an extroverted night for me. I'm not gonna lie. I'm just gonna go sit and then be and worship. And I'm not like there I went with my friend, so I had somebody like to talk to, but we didn't go around like mingling, mingling, talking to everybody. We just went and worshipped.

SPEAKER_03 30:24

I think I'm the same way. I think I have to hype myself up as well. So I I definitely get that back exactly.

SPEAKER_06 30:32

But thank you. Um so when where do you shoot your shot? Like in church, or you do it like explain more.

SPEAKER_03 30:43

So because I'm introverted, I just make a goal for the year. And I I didn't start this until last year. Okay, because I'm introverted, like for this year, I have to just walk up to at least 10 women and just say that they're beautiful. I'll just say, Hey, I'm beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 30:59

Uh huh.

SPEAKER_03 31:01

I say, Hey, how are you? What's your name? And I'll just say, Hey, my name's Edwin. I just want to tell you that you're really beautiful. You have a great day. If that transpires to more to like a deeper conversation, then cool. But that's just for my introverted self. If I don't I don't care not getting a number, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_05 31:18

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 31:19

Um, so I would say normally I prefer um somebody that who knows me a little bit, who has seen the um, like I said, the the code approaches don't really work too much for me. Um I feel like my entire life has kind of been the women that I like don't like me, and the women that like me I don't like in that way. But like it's always like uh that friction, like God can you send me somebody that we you know we both mutually find each other attractive. Um but I will say like over the years, like Union has like a lot of singles groups.

SPEAKER_05 32:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 32:04

Um, so I have been shooting myself. I think actually the last probably three dates I went on. One, two, three, the last three dates I went on were with union women. So that's why I'm kind of like, hey, can we get like a union a union date in here?

SPEAKER_06 32:18

Yeah, I feel like that is a really good idea, but I also feel like that could get really messy.

SPEAKER_03 32:22

I feel like it definitely because like if and because all of it's not gonna work out.

SPEAKER_06 32:28

If and when it doesn't work work out, you still gotta Yeah, and then there's a bunch of us that have like dated within the church, and it's like I know it's a big church, but still it's like everybody knows everybody's business because like, oh, we're all off right, yeah. I don't know. But I I like the idea, I do. I just am also like it also could be messy.

SPEAKER_03 32:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 32:48

So um when you like first start talking to a woman, what like boundaries do you put to like protect your heart from like getting attached too early on? Is it not a struggle for you at all?

SPEAKER_03 33:03

I will I would probably say um as far as setting boundaries. One, I think a date is just like um information gathering, really, when you think about it.

SPEAKER_05 33:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:16

And I don't really have any expectations. I think when I was younger, I was like, well, she said yes, and I like her, and I'm assuming she likes me. So this has to end in a boyfriend, a girlfriend related to So now it's just like don't have any expectations. Everything is kind of tentative. So this is just us seeing that we can be friends, maybe a little bit more than friends, seeing if we have anything in common. And um I think as far as like setting boundaries specifically, I think um it's just an experience. I'm just having an experience with this person. So, like, don't not having any expectations, yeah. That's good, um, and just knowing, like, I think about the the journey of Joseph in the Bible when his brothers threw him into captivity. He just had to go through each stage and God already knew the outcome. Yeah. So I just look at it, if it doesn't work, it's just a stage. Um, like I said, giving people grace because I I'm also learning what's that line, and maybe you can give me your opinion as well, because I have I know some some really good people that's in my life. And we all have weaknesses. So for me, it's just like hypothetically, if I have a friend or in this conversation specifically, if I have a a woman or a wife who doesn't speak up for herself, but she prays all the time, she prays over me, she um is always in her word, like there has to be a line where it's like you can't say, Hey, I want a perfect person.

SPEAKER_05 34:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:53

So it's like, how can I adjust life if I do marry a wife who doesn't speak up for herself? So it's kind of like maybe I'll teach her, kind of guide her in a way where she can speak up. So I think learning to find out like what's that line where this is non-negotiable and what's this line where I can deal with this weakness to a degree? Because I have my own weaknesses as well.

SPEAKER_06 35:16

Right, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 35:17

Um, so that's kind of like where I'm at right now. And as far as like, like you said, specifically your question was about boundaries, um, just having no expectations is knowing when the time is gonna come. If it works, cool. If it doesn't, just like not putting yourself out there emotionally. Like after one date, don't say, Hey, you want to key to my house?

SPEAKER_05 35:38

No, well, okay, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 35:40

So now when you do that, and if they say, Hey, I've moved in, that's myself over there, now you're you're committing emotionally. Don't commit emotionally until like, you know what I mean? Yeah, and constantly pray. Constantly pray, you know.

SPEAKER_06 35:52

I that's one of my like struggles. I I'm like I'll say I do like a little bit better with it now, but like I get emotionally invested like really quickly. Okay, I think because my brain constantly is like future focused.

SPEAKER_03 36:03

Yeah. So because you envisioned it. Yeah, you envisioned it.

SPEAKER_06 36:06

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know if that's just a me thing. I don't know if that's a woman thing. I don't know, but it's hard. Um, so it's like um the past couple times I've talked to guys, it's been like, okay, constantly, like on a daily basis, I'll like text my friends and be like, Can you remind me that this man is like a stranger, please? Because I can't. I have one friend. She like will voice note me and be like, Bethany, he's still a stranger. And I'm like, right, you're right, you're right. And then I'll like okay, continuously, like, Lord, don't let my heart get too attached yet. Got you.

SPEAKER_03 36:38

I got you. So is it kind of like a thing? If you don't mind me asking, God, how did your your last dating situation, how did it come about? What did he say, hey, I think you're really beautiful. Can we grab like how did it was it like somebody in church or um so like the the last person I dated like at all, or like the guy that I exclusively dated? Yeah, let's say exclusively dick. I say exclusively dick.

SPEAKER_06 37:00

Um, so that was last year, and that was actually me shooting my shot uh on Instagram. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_03 37:08

No, I'm for that. I'm for that. So we'll go pause for a second. I'm for that because I feel like it opens up doors. Because like for me, like hypothetically, if I shoot my shot three times and I miss, and then that I'm in a room with the woman who I find attractive, but I'm like, huh, shot number four. I'm just going by my day. I think I gotta cook, I gotta clean, whatever.

SPEAKER_04 37:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:31

If you just say, hey, I think you're attractive, have a good day, I think that opens up the doors like for women. So you don't necessarily I know Pastor Stevens like men need to be the pursuer, but I'm for women, like just saying right, at least show your interest.

SPEAKER_06 37:46

Yeah, I think that's what I figured out like through conversations with people is more like men need to be the pursuers and maybe be the ones that are like initiating like getting a phone number or going on a date, but like the women can show interest. Um, just trying to figure out like show that show interest, ladies.

SPEAKER_03 38:02

So interest yeah.

SPEAKER_06 38:03

But for me, like even with the Instagram shooting my shot, I still did it like very subtly. Like I didn't just like full on go into his um DMs and be like, hey, you're attractive, let's go out. Okay, I like just kept swiping up on his stories and then um like kept conversation going. And then at one point after we had like just had multiple conversations, he was like, Hey, is there a reason that you like reached out to me and keep swiping up on my stories? And I was like, I just find you attractive and your personality seems really cool.

SPEAKER_05 38:33

And he was like, Okay, just make sure we're on the same.

SPEAKER_03 38:37

I love it. There we go. Ladies, listen, listen, so you spool, too. You spool.

SPEAKER_06 38:42

Okay, but it didn't, but then I went through a phase after that for a while where I was like, I'm not shooting my shot anymore because I did it and like it worked out, but it didn't work out. Like I'm not with him anymore. Yeah, I guess you so I went through a phase of like, oh, I'm just gonna let Ben come to me because that's for anybody.

SPEAKER_03 39:01

I feel like if you try something long enough and it doesn't work, like I think you you is that's normal. That's normal.

SPEAKER_06 39:07

Do you um so do you think in the church, not our church specifically, but just like the American church, um, what could they be doing or yeah, what could they be doing better for like singles? Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_00 39:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:23

Um what could the church do better for singles? That's a good question. Well, I th I feel like we've all we're so I I will say for me, I've been preparing. I've been in groups at Union Church that have helped me to prepare. Uh I think I think there's only but so much you can do. So I think so much that the church can do. Yeah, I think that's only but so much the church can do. Um pastors need to continue to preach. I would probably say continue to preach and um teach us to prepare for what we want. That's very important. Um I don't know, the world kind of has like their speed dating and you know, things like that. Um that's that's a tough question. I would probably just say really just um kind of provided opportunities, maybe. I find um, and maybe you can give me a little bit of your experience on the last singles that we went we went to. But um just provided more opportunities, I would say. And I know like the ratio, it seems like at the events, or I go to they're in my favor.

SPEAKER_05 40:48

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:51

The ratio is in my uh uh, you know, men's favor. Right. But um I feel like kind of like even when I go to like singles events and and it's still what's like a short, you might talk to a person for 10 minutes, you might talk to a person for an hour. I don't know. I feel like those quick experiences don't I don't know. How do you feel about a stranger walking up to you saying, Hey, I find you a director?

SPEAKER_06 41:22

Um I think it depends on where we are. Okay. Because if we're at a single side at church, that's fine. Okay, right. Yeah. But like, for example, literally yesterday at work, um I work at Trick filet.

SPEAKER_00 41:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 41:36

I'm in my Trick filet uniform, mind you, my hair, a mess, no makeup on, but okay. Um I'm like walking food out to somebody's car and the sky like rolls his window down and was like, Do you always look that good when you're taking food outside? And I was like, uh I guess so. Um, so like that kind of stuff, I'm like, bruh, just let it go. Like you need to say that really. Um but if we're like at a singles event or even just like at church, like I don't mind. Yeah. Because like I know that that person is coming from like the right place. If we're in church, there's no way you're coming at it, just like trying to like hook up with me.

SPEAKER_03 42:10

Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah, okay. Okay. I will say that I do know people, so we gotta have that spirit of discernment. I do know people who are like brand new to God and they're coming into church. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 42:23

So it's sure, but also like maybe not, maybe I think do highly of people, but like, even if you're brand new to God and you're coming into church, you're in church. You're not gonna hit on a woman and expect to hook up with her. Right? No?

SPEAKER_05 42:39

Okay, maybe I expect too much of people.

SPEAKER_03 42:44

Because a lot of people know, because I remember one of my friends, I introduced her to Union Church, and she was going through like the steps, the the steps part.

SPEAKER_06 42:52

Like the growth track?

SPEAKER_03 42:53

Yeah, the growth track.

SPEAKER_06 42:54

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 42:54

And um, you know, they go through this this phase or they go off the list. It's like, all right, so being a leader in union church or like being a part of a team in union church, you know, we don't want you to indulge and be under the influence of anyone. Right, right. We don't want you to um be sexually or moral. And my friend was like, the guy next to her was like, we can't have sex.

SPEAKER_06 43:18

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 43:20

So it's like it's a transition, it's it's a process. Yeah. So I don't know, definitely ladies guard your heart. People, people guard your heart. Right, that's fair.

SPEAKER_06 43:28

And I'm not, yeah, I'm not saying like if some guy comes up to me and is like, oh, you're attractive in church, I'm gonna like be like, okay, let's go on a date. I'm just saying I'm not like offended by it. Like it'd be nice for him to do.

SPEAKER_03 43:41

So question I definitely don't want to hold this up because I know you have a lot of people.

SPEAKER_06 43:44

Good, you're good.

SPEAKER_03 43:45

Um, what is because I don't think I've messaged it. How do you reject somebody in an attractive tea? That's a good question. It is. Like, how do you do it nicely?

SPEAKER_06 43:53

Um, I think uh it depends on like what they And how they've gone about it.

SPEAKER_02 44:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_06 44:02

Um, but you just I like I'm a pretty nice person. So it's not too like I'm just like, hey, I'm just not really interested. I'm so sorry. Or like like that's not bad. A lot of times though, like if it's like out in public and it's that kind of experience, like yesterday type experience, I'm just like, okay, and I just like keep it moving. Um, but if it's like a guy coming up to me in like a grocery store or something, and uh I feel like I have a pretty good feel on like people just from like one like very tiny interaction. Yeah. So if like a guy comes up to me in a grocery store and I just have this like this is not it, um, I'll be like, um, I have a boyfriend, even if I don't.

SPEAKER_03 44:51

I like that. I like that. No, no, I like it. I like it. Um I like because I feel like I have not mastered that. And do my experiences, I I respect whichever way you do it as long as you're not disrespectful. Because I shot my shot and um it was actually with a woman at Union Church. And first time we met, we held like a nice five-minute conversation. The following day, or maybe like the following time that I saw her, I was like, hey, can I get your number? Can I take you out? And she was like uh one of the greeters, like the people who hand the pamphlets up when you're coming in and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 45:29

She's like, uh, I gotta, oh, we can talk and kind of walked away. I respect, I respect I get the git.

SPEAKER_03 45:36

You don't want to say you know. So I respect it. I just try to get like feedback is like what's the proper way. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 45:45

I think I think I think being nice about it is just like that's that's a hanging interested, I'm so sorry. I feel bad still when I say that, but because we don't want to hurt anybody's right, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 45:57

That's life, right? Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 45:59

I'm such yeah, I don't I think that's why I say like, oh I have a boyfriend, because like I don't want to hurt their feelings by saying, like, uh, I'm just not interested. It's like, oh, you I can't.

SPEAKER_03 46:07

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I I get it. I like it.

SPEAKER_06 46:10

Um, do you have like a specific scripture that you go to like um that like brings you like comfort in the season of life that you're in?

SPEAKER_03 46:21

Um I think really my main thing I think in life is very important. I think to to focus on the blessings that are around you. I think that's one of the main things, because in my mind, I think since I was in high school, I was telling God, like, you know, if you're ready, I'm I'm I'm ready.

SPEAKER_00 46:42

Right.

SPEAKER_03 46:43

If you want me to come, like since I was like a a younger person, it's just like kind of uncomfortable being down here at times, you know?

SPEAKER_05 46:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 46:54

So God has been working with me, like m making me comfortable in discomfort. You know, being comfortable, being uncomfortable. So um, because I really be thinking about a lot of times like the end, like heaven, perfection, yeah, no more sin. Cause it's kind of like, I don't know if this is weird, but I don't like being imperfect. Like, I don't like making mistakes.

SPEAKER_06 47:20

I know, yeah, no, that's fair.

SPEAKER_03 47:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 47:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 47:23

So um as far as like a go-to scripture, like I'm I'm always thinking about the end. I'm always thinking about it won't always be like this. But I think what is, I think it's Jeremiah said, um, I know the plans I have you plans to prosper. That's one. Um I actually I have like three or four of them in my phone. I don't know them all off the top of my head.

SPEAKER_00 47:46

That's good.

SPEAKER_03 47:47

But um Jeremiah is good. Um what else is good? Uh Jeremiah.

SPEAKER_06 47:58

Yeah, I know that one is Jeremiah 29, 11, because that was my favorite verse for a while.

SPEAKER_03 48:03

Yeah, yeah. Um that's one, but really just focusing on who God is, and um, and kinda I think just being realistic as as well. Like, I hope to get married, but like I said, it's it's no guarantee. Um and I think God has people around us to observe us and see how we handle being a believer of God and how we handle people watching us, because like you ever like go through a season of life and it feels like like what is the point uh of this?

SPEAKER_06 48:41

Like, you know, yeah, I often, often, but I I always go back and like remind myself like literally the point of life is to live for Christ and bring others to him. Right. Like if I didn't have that as my mindset, yeah, all the time I would be like, what is the point of this what is the point?

SPEAKER_03 48:58

Because yeah, when you think about Jesus' journey, he he didn't really benefit from down on the cross. We did.

SPEAKER_06 49:05

Oh, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 49:06

So I kind of feel like that's kind of like how life is. Like we're going through things for the benefit of other people.

SPEAKER_05 49:13

Yep.

SPEAKER_03 49:14

And if we're literally, this might be a silly analogy. If we're literally building up God's kingdom, like this building we're in, we might be building the back part. And it's people in the front that we can't see building the front.

SPEAKER_02 49:26

Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 49:26

So it's like what we're doing in the back is helping them, but we can't see it. Right, exactly. So it all works together. Yeah, it works together. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 49:35

All right, last question. What um what's one piece of encouragement you would give someone that's in the same season you're in?

SPEAKER_03 49:44

One piece of encouragement that I would give somebody in the same season that I'm in. I would probably say one of the main things that I've learned not only about this season and the place that I'm in, but the pain, the suffering, that emotional um frustration that we go through, it's really building you up. It's really making you better. And when I sit and I think about the good things and the bad things that I've been through, I believe like I sit and I think, and that might have been what I was referencing earlier. I believe like the pain just really make like life happens for you. Life happens for you. That's what I I truly believe. So it's like really sitting, like, you know how Pastor Stephen ends all his messages, Holy Spirit, what are you saying to me? And so it's like I would tell somebody I would tell someone it's working for your good. I know it sucks, and that's another scripture that like all things work together for God's glory. Yeah, yeah. That's another one. Um, it's working for your good. And in due time, you know, you will reap a harvest, like what you what you've sown. Um, it takes a long time sometimes. I think Joseph suffered for like 13 years from going from slavery, the part of his house, to prison.

SPEAKER_00 51:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:17

Um it's it's a long journey. I would probably just say don't give up because I've had that feeling like I'm tired of this. And that's why I keep on saying that word grace. Like, I've literally been in my bedroom with water, like tears in my eyes, like screaming at the top of my lungs, like, God, why are you allowing it? Like, like, why, like I'm faithful, I'm not perfect. Sin feels good sometimes, but it's like, why are you allowing this? And like I said, and I think like after the fact, when you're out of your feelings, when you're out of your emotions, it's like, well, I did learn this, I did learn that, and you know, that part did make me better. So now, next time it happens, I think you just gotta enjoy the moment.

SPEAKER_06 52:08

Thank you guys so much for spending time with us today. I really loved having you here. If you liked this episode, make sure you share it with someone you know. I'd also love if you guys would comment any questions you might have that we can answer on future episodes. Remember that each one of you was born for such a time as this. Until next time. Bye.