Why does kung fu work on zombies?

The questions that keep me up at night.

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Transcript

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This is a very good thing. Hey, hey there, cats and kittens. It is me, the one and only Matt Cheshire. I am the Kyle. Tonight's episode of Cheshire Madness, and thank you so much for tuning in. I think you guys are going to like because after that Billy Rubin Bacterium piece, I really needed a palate cleanser, and what better way to do it than to rant about one of my favorite topics? Why the fuck does Kung Fu work on zombies? Now listen, all you zombie 11 ghouls out there, today's giant sharp is for you. Okay? I'm I love zombie flicks, you name it. Walking dead, fear of the walking dead, resident evil, night of living dead. Um if if it's got zombies in it, I've probably seen it and I love it. Okay. Okay, and it's something I just can't really get back, is in almost every movie or zombie show that I see, it eventually comes to a point where the protagonist has to resort to 50 cups against the undead horde. It usually, stress the word, usually, looks good on screen. But it has severe logistical failures that I simply cannot tolerate in silence. Not anymore. Not now that I have access to the internet. Oh my god, you guys are so screwed. I'm gonna be going off about all kinds of stuff like this. Wait till I get on Disney. A zombie feels no pain. It does not breathe, except it's an in-grain reflex. It hasn't quite died off yet, decides, you know, how often you can make this off um hungry sounds if you know they didn't breathe somehow. Okay. Zombie can take the 12-gauge blasted chest, get back up, and even the occasional disembowelment is a little more than inconvenience to them. I mean, nine health people, and nobody likes tripping on their own and own bowels, okay? It's just embarrassing. So, if we know all this, why is it that when hero punches a zombie in the gut, it doubles over in pain? How does a rabbit punch the kidneys even remotely bothering? Despite how visually impressive it might be, breaking a zombie's ribs in the routehouse kick shouldn't have any more effect than kicking a punching wax. They don't need those lungs to breathe. They don't uh they don't feel pain, they don't feel the ribs breaking, it's not gonna do anything. While the hero is showing off with a patented wax on, wax off, matter break your arm in three places martial arts, the zombies should be chewing their faces off. I'm not unreasonable. I can buy some heroes can bring a zombie's neck with a well-placed right hook, or a crusher skulls with an axe kick. Okay? I mean, hell, I accepted that within the first season everybody in The Walking Dead was a was a headshot master, okay? Like they were just headshot in like nobody's business. No problem, I buy that. Necessity is a mother of invention after all. But come on, choreographers. Let's give the zombies some credit. They aren't glamorous, they're not pretty to look at, they don't get any lines. The least you can do is make sure people know the hero's fancy martial arts aren't going to impress them. Leave that for the living, okay? Cersei, just once. I just want to see a hero punch a zombie in the gut, get his hand caught in the entrails, and watch him screen the zombie takes a bite out of him as he realized he was federal off just pistol whipping it or shooting from a distance. Now, we here at Cheshire Industries encourage you to write to your congressman and the writers of your favorite zombie fixes. Protest against a cruel abuse of zombies and demand they get killed properly in a believable way. And not some pissed poor martial arts mashup that wouldn't work in a real fight. If they refuse to see reason, then petition your local zombie actors guild to rebel. And yes, I you do believe me, you have a local zombie actors guild. See what the directors do when the zombies suddenly reveal they know Kung Fu Tu and put a smack down on some hero's candied asses. This rant has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries on behalf of all the poor zombies who keep having to take dives on film just because script writers are too shick as shit to punish them for the hero for using crappy tactics. Thank you. I am the Kyle, and I improve this message. Good night, folks.