IM JUST OVER IT !

Hey Boo ! whewww the funk trynna linger I swear , but you know this is my turbulence chapter and when I say im ready for my smooth landing, but it gonna be alright we gon make it yall , thank you for listening I love yall and appreciate the support !     

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey boo, welcome back to Siddy Nerd episode 5, Season 2. Okay, we're moving on up in there. Today is Thursday, March the 12th. Of course, when you all hear this, it will be Friday, 2 p.m. March the 13th, okay? And that's crazy. It's another March the 13th on a Friday. But I hope everybody is doing well this week. Y'all definitely hope everybody had a great weekend, a good week at work, everything like that. You know, if it did it stormed here in Texas the other night, so wherever you live at, did it storm over there? Because when I say it cut up out here, it cut the fuck up. But like I said, I hope everyone had a great week at work, a great weekend, you know, all the goodness. My week at work, I feel like it flew by. I really feel like it flew by like the time springing forward and everything. It really kind of like shifted something in me. Like, damn, let me slow down. Slow down. I can't even breathe, take a deep breath. And it's already fucking June. Like, come on now, what's going on? But last weekend, you know, my sister, my nieces, and my nephew, they came into town. It was a good time. It was it was needed. I needed to see some loved ones, needed to see some family, you know, from back home. And it was it was good. It felt good seeing him. We hung out. We went to the aquarium, y'all. It was my first time going to the Dallas Aquarium. They have the biggest crocodile. I have, and that was my first time ever even seeing a crocodile in general. That bitch was so big. It that is a true dinosaur lizard. I don't give a fuck with nobody save for one. I have no idea where they got that, where they got that crocodile from, where they got it from. I even zoomed in on the claw, and I'm like, damn, this is a this is a fucking night. This was around with the big dinosaurs, you know. Like, what the hell? If that is that if that's even the case, but I was like, damn. But you know, it was nice. I feel like it was definitely a nice time. Very crowded, though. I would personally stuff like that, I would rather go on a weekday when kids are in school. Because of course, you know, everybody wants to take their kids on a weekend, which I get, but me, I don't have no children, so I will I like to do stuff like that on a weekday. That way I can actually enjoy it without crowd, strollers, kids crying, kids running around. I don't really got all the patience for that, and I get overstimulated. Like, look, y'all can hide a weekend, just give me the weekday. And then, you know, we were just outside. It was a lot of nice activities going on, went to the parks and stuff, so it was good seeing them. Definitely love them, and I appreciate my sister so much. Like, shout out to her, shout out to you, sister. But no, this weekend I don't really have much plan. I know the weather's supposed to feel good, so you know, I'm just kind of I'm playing it by ear on what I'm gonna do, if I'ma go outside, if I'm gonna go anywhere. But you know, I'm just I'm kind of relaxing. I'm definitely kind of relaxing. Also, this week at work, um I'm just glad tomorrow's Friday. That's all I'm gonna say about that. Um tonight I kind of want to talk about. I haven't really been I haven't done anything new this week. I don't want to jump into it too quick. I haven't done anything new this week. Um you know, it's just it's been stead, it's been fast. I feel like it's been really fast. But tonight I kind of want to talk about just being over it and being honest and honoring how I'm feeling. Um, I'm over it, y'all. I'm over a lot of shit. Like, I I feel like I suppress a lot of how I feel because I don't want to come off as complaining. Because the thing is, nobody wanna sit around and listen to somebody complain. 24 fucking seven. Because we all have a we all have choices on what we do, how we do things and stuff like that. Now, some people, you know, it may it may be a little bit easier to maneuver through what you got going on. And for some people, it could be hard. Like it could like people are really out here struggling. Now everybody's not struggling. I had to realize that too. Like everybody's not struggling, but some people, majority of people are really struggling, and you know, I'm kind of one of them people that's in the middle. I'm just like, goddamn. I need shit to start looking up. I I need I need to be, you know, moving on up like the fucking Jeffersons. Cause I'm tired of this shit. I'm I am so over it. And I really had to start being honest with myself this week because a lot of it stems from work. Like, one thing about it, if I don't fuck with a job, I just don't fuck with it. I'm not the type of person that wanna sit at a job for years on end, waiting to get a raise, waiting to see what they're gonna do, waiting to see what changes. Like, I don't that shit irritates me. I'm not that type of person I've never been. I hate suppressing the fact that if I can't stand a job, or if I can't stand shit that's going on at a job, and I feel like I have to suppress it, that's going to cause me to get very irritated with everything because I'm not honoring how I truly feel about a situation. I'm just suppressing my feelings and I'm done doing that. Like, fuck all the bullshit. Everything that's going on in the world, it's sad as fuck, it's depressing as fuck. People don't have money, people are working three, four motherfucking jobs. It's a hot mess. Like, I am I'm irritated. I'm irritated being part of this shit, like as a millennial, you know, growing up, you hear they telling us how to do shit, go to school, go to college. But I'm like, people are doing this shit and they still fucking struggling. People out here with two, three jobs, people barely seeing their kids because they working so much, people health declining because they working so much. I'm like, in what way is any of this shit normal? Why is any of this shit normalized? Because it is, and I'm I'm sick of pretending that it's normal when it's not. I can't pretend that I want a a second job because I need I I don't want a fucking I don't want to have to get multiple jobs to make ends meet. I don't wanna have to fucking do side gigs just to make a fucking a livable wage. I'm like that shit grinds my gears, okay? It grinds my gears and I'm over it. Like, I'm just I really gotta start honoring how I feel. You know, sometimes when I be at work, I wish I could just say, get the fuck out of my face. You know, I am I'm to the point I'm doing my work and that's it. The basically the bare minimum. I'm here because I need to pay my bills, and that's it. I don't give a fuck about trying to move up in any other different position within my depart. Listen, I just I don't care. I really don't care. And I I don't really like feeling like that, but you know what? I got I have to I have to go through this. I have to feel this emotion, what I'm feeling. I feel like I've been trying to suppress it and just trying to like, oh, you know, it'll be okay. Yes, it'll be okay, but I still gotta honor how I'm feeling. I still gotta be real about certain things that I just don't fuck with. And I'm I'm over pretending that I'm okay. I'm not really okay. I'm irritated, you know. Like I'm I'm irritated that financially I'm not where I want to be. I'm irritated career-wise, I'm not where I want to be at. You know, I'm I'm just I'm fuck, I'm irritated. I'm over it. It's always we always gotta work so hard. Like, oh, when you work hard, it's worth it. Yes, I can't agree to that, but to what extent? I feel like we work so hard and fuck around, have stress, panic attacks, heart attacks, everything. And that that's not worth it to me. Like, I don't, I don't dream of fucking labor. I don't dream of no dream job. I don't give a fuck about these jobs because they do not give a fuck about us. Like they clearly don't. And I just can't sit up and act like that. This is normal. It that shit is not normal to me. Going to a job every day, you sit now. I don't do this anymore. I used to at other jobs, but just sitting in the car crying, waking up with anxiety, going to bed with anxiety, that shit ain't normal. And we still supposed to just push through, go to work, pretend everything's okay. I'm like, listen, I go to work and do enough just so I won't get fired. And I'm just being real. Like, I do what I need to do, don't get me wrong, because you know I'm not gonna bullshit. I can't mess up my money, that type, that money that's coming in. But at the same time, when these people be on my face talking, I'm just like, I don't give a fuck. Let me just do what I'm here to do, what I need to do. I don't need to learn no extra shit. I don't give a fuck about no extra shit. I don't care what I don't give a fuck. I barely want to be here. You know, I barely want to be at that motherfucking place and just just with everything. Just everything. Like I just sometimes I feel so unmotivated, even with doing my podcast now, and I hate that. It's not that I don't want to record, but I just I just feel so ah. And I thought, you know, I it's like I come up out of it, and then sometimes I can really fall back into it, but I really, I really just gotta, I really gotta keep going. It's and it's hard. It's it's hard to keep going. It is hard to keep going, especially when I just I feel tired. Like I feel like, damn, I'm just running, running, running, but I'm not really seeing, I ain't really seeing no seeing no results at where I want to be at. And and it's like if I stop now, I'm damn sure ain't gonna see it. So at the same time, it's just like, damn, I don't have a choice but to keep going. I really don't have a choice but to keep going. And I'm just I'm tired. I'm tired. A lot of when I'm on FaceTime, not FaceTime, TikTok, a lot of people I'm saying, they're just it's the same way. And I'm just I'm so glad that I'm not I'm not in my head about how I'm feeling. I'm not like just making shit up. I'm like, everybody is feeling something, and that shit is just not normal. It's not normal. Like, I refuse to stress myself out over things, over things I can't control. But at the same time, I'm just like, I have to be the one to make moves, I have to be the one to make certain decisions so I can set my life up and set myself up, you know, to better myself. But at the same time, it's just like, damn, once I'm taking one step forward, it's like I'm getting knocked down two steps. But dust myself off and try the fuck again. But when I say, when I say, when I say I'm tired, y'all, I'm tired. And I'm just I'm really over it. Like that's that's kind of how I'm feeling this week. I'm I'm over it. I I can't give up though. I really can't. As much as I just want to be like, fuck it all, quit the job, quit the podcast. I I can't do that shit. You know, this is it's temporary. I really gotta understand, and I constantly tell myself every day I I have these these sticky notes that I have, and I read them every day. And the thing is, I have to read them and I have to believe them. It's not that I don't believe them, but the more, you know, the more repetitive I am with it, it will get better. But right now, it's just training. I'm training my mind. I'm training my mind to think better, not look at what's going on in front of me now, which is a temporary circumstance, but sometimes it can be hard to see past the bullshit literally in front of you. Like it can really be hard to look past that when stuff is constantly happening, stuff is constantly coming at you. You got bills coming here, car payment here, car insurance here, another sprinkle sprinkle bill here. No let me get started on the motherfucking Texas tolls, okay. I don't even got I don't I don't even have the energy that I think that's what it is. I ain't even I ain't even got the energy for the bullshit. Like, I'm just I'm really over all the bullshit. They need to just swipe everybody's slate clean, start over, start fresh, because this is not it. This is not it. The life that I was told, the life that you know, it's just this ain't it. This is not it. This ain't it at all. I'm I shouldn't be irritated. I shouldn't be fucking irritated. My eye this week, my eye started twitching already. I said, oh hell no. Oh hell no. I I pay attention to my body and my eye twitching. I'm stressing out. I'm stressing out and I don't like that. And yeah, I I go walking every day, and walking definitely does help, but I feel like I I need I need another outlet to really release, release how I'm feeling. Even when I do my podcast, that helps. But again, I'm not I'm not the type of person that like to bleed on anybody because I feel like in the past that has happened, and I just I don't want to give off that type of energy. But at the same time, it's fucking hard out here, it's difficult out here, but it's temporary, you see, and that's that's where I be kind of irritated at because I'm I don't want to be what is it toxic positivity. Like I'm irritated. I'm I'm annoyed with everything that's going on right now in the world. I'm annoyed with my my circumstance in a sense, and again, yes, it's temporary, but I still have to honor how the fuck I'm feeling, and I don't like how I'm feeling. I don't like I don't like what I'm seeing, and yes, I am the only person who can change that, but at the same time, I have to look at what the fuck is going on around me realistically and logically, like it's a shit show, it's a absolute it is a absolute shit show that is going on, and we're supposed to just keep showing up, we supposed to just keep being positive, keep pushing, keep pushing, keep pushing, and now I get that. I definitely get it because we do gotta train our minds to really flip the switch, but goddamn, I gotta process this shit. I gotta process it all because right now that ain't how I'm feeling. I'm feeling like I'm ready to fuck shit up. Do you hear me? I need a metal baseball bat and some glass and just break shit. I feel like that will help me. I just need to break shit. I need to hit something, break something, damage something, not a person. Because I'm I'm not cruel, you know what I'm saying? But I need I I got some pressure buildup, okay? I damn sure got some pressure buildup, and I need to let this shit off because it's just a lot, it's just a lot that's going on. And yes, people's situations are worse, you know what I'm saying? I hate that too. I hate people who are really going through stuff, like really struggling mentally in a dark place, and I am grateful that I'm not in a dark place like that. I'm grateful that you know I am able to move, walk, talk, use my limbs and stuff. Cause some people can't even do that, and they and their mental state could be way worse, but I again I still honor how I feel, you know what I'm saying? Because it's valid, like it's fucking valid. I'm living in this shit, I'm experiencing it, and I don't like how it's making me feel. So I gotta, you know, just push it out. I can't stay in this situation, I'm not gonna stay in it. I gotta go, I gotta stick to it. No matter how much I just wanna throw the fucking tile in. I can't do it, man. I can't I can't do it as much as I want to, as much as I just wanna be like, fuck it, I'm done, I'm over it. Put me back in the womb, put me back in the utero. I just I know it's gonna be alright. I know it's gonna be alright on the other side, but going through it, feeling this shit, it's uncomfortable as hell. It's very uncomfortable. Like, I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to feel it, but I don't have a choice. I really don't have a choice, but I know when this shit is over and done with, and I come out on that other side, baby. That's gonna be a beautiful, that's gonna be a beautiful story. It really is. Like at the end of the day, it really is gonna be a beautiful story. But right now, present day, how I'm feeling in this exact moment, it is I don't like it. I don't like it at all, but I'm pushing through. I'm damn sure pushing through. I'ma make it, we gonna make it. It's it's gonna be alright. It it ain't gonna, I don't have a choice, you know what I'm saying? I really don't have a choice, and oh my goodness, God knows. God knew not to put no child up in here. I'm trying to say this this dog Poe is enough. Poe is enough, but a human child, baby, listen. I send my heart out to all to all the parents who, you know what I'm saying, got kids and struggling times and shit that's going on, and it can be a lot too. Trying to deal with your emotions, trying to deal with your kid's emotions. Like that shit is a lie. It's it really is a lot, you know. But you know, we're gonna get through it. We definitely gonna get through it. I'm gonna get through it, you gonna get through it, we all gonna get through it. We just we gotta know what we doing it for, and I know I know what I want, I know what I want to do, and I just I just gotta do what the fuck I want to do and do do what I have to do in a sense, not not push myself to the point where I'm just like hospitalized, but just take my time, recognize, realize what's going on, and understand it's temporary, but this it sucks, it does not feel good. I'm irritated, I'm ready to fight, I'm ready to just break some shit, and maybe that's what I need to do. I need to go to a top of a mountain and just scream, throw some plates off that bitch, like uh, just let it out. Just let it the fuck out. But I'm gonna go ahead and cut this short, y'all. Like I said, I ain't I'm not gonna complain too much through this mic, because again, it's I don't even like doing shit like that. You know, that ain't even I don't even feel comfortable doing that. But again, me honoring my feelings and just being honest about how how I'm feeling in the moment, the past few weeks, you know. It ain't it ain't been all it ain't been all roses and and sugars and and spice and everything nice. It's it's been a mixture of stuff. It's been little cactuses thrown up in there, you know, little thorns, so little sharp things, because I'm like, ugh, like what the fuck is going on? But we're gonna get through it. Again, make sure you love yourself, love your neighbor, and just be kind. Everybody, you just never know who's going through something. You really don't. You don't know if somebody didn't just decided they was like, you know what, fuck it. You just never know. Like, always just be a good person, basically. Be a good person, don't be an asshole. It's enough going on. It's that big orange motherfucker up in DC. Listen, that it's enough of that. We we don't need that in our face, in our space. You know what I'm saying? If that's what you want, listen, stay the fuck away from me, okay? Cause I just stay away. Just stay away. But I love y'all again. Make sure to love yourself. Have a safe weekend, have a beautiful weekend. Get some sun if you can, and just we're gonna get through this, y'all. We're gonna get through this, and I will talk to y'all next week. Bye.