HAVING GRACE

Heyy Boo 💁🏾‍♀️, when yall started really “growing/healing” how did yall manage I felt/feel like I was loosing it 😮‍💨 wheww im really glad for growth 

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Hey boo, and welcome back to Siddy Nerd Podcast, episode six, okay? Season two. Season two. I'm I'm let me let me not jump into this episode, but I'm really proud of myself. I always say that, but I really am like, whoo. But I hope everybody had a great week, okay? Today is Thursday, but of course, when you hear this, it will be Friday, two o'clock to be exact. So make sure you tune in in. And I appreciate the people who really be listening. You know what I'm saying? I really appreciate that. That makes a difference. But hey, I love, I love it all. Thank you for the support. But again, I hope everybody had a great week. You know, coming up on a good week, a good past weekend, all great things like that. My week, it's um, I'm gonna be honest. When I am not at work, I be having the best weeks. And I just I realize that about myself. I know people don't like working. Like I get that. I get that whole concept. But me personally, who I am, I genuinely don't like working. I don't. Like it's it doesn't fit me. And it's like, I think it's the type of work I'm doing. Like sitting in an office, constantly sitting on my ass, especially why it feels good outside, it's not for me. That shit, I don't care what nobody says, that shit causes depression. Sitting up in an office all day and then acting like I'm supposed to give a fuck about what's going on, that's hard for me. It's really hard for me. And I'm just like, you know what? I have to be real with myself. I really gotta be real with myself. But I just know sitting up in an office, especially while I feel good outside, baby, listen. I be about to have behaviors at work, but I I do walk every day, okay? As soon as my lunch break comes around, bitch, I'm out of that motherfucking building. Do you hear me? But anyway, um, I am feeling better though. The last two weeks, I'm not gonna lie, I have I have been in a phone. I came up here, you know, my last episode expressing how I felt, but I was really, I was just really struggling mentally. I feel like I'm in a place where I'm really unlearning a lot of shit from childhood up until now. And I'm taking bits and pieces of what I did learn from my childhood that can be useful, putting it in, you know, putting it in and incorporating into my adult life. And a lot of it's it's a lot, it's a lot to unpack, it's a lot to unload. Like, nobody is even at fault for situations. It's just you really have to unlearn and relearn, and it's a lot, it is so much, like it's so fucking much, and it's it can be exhausting. Like, I feel like I feel all the emotions to just being angry, sad, anxious, just everything in one, just everything in one. But I do feel much better this week coming up. Like I said, the sun is coming out. We finna hit, especially in Texas, we finna hit 90 degree weather. Like, what? Baby, I'm all outside. Do you hear me? If I could walk outside booty butt naked, I would. Do you hear me? Booty butt, booty butt naked. Ugh, I love it. Speaking of booty butt, this is this isn't what I'm gonna be talking about tonight, but I want to kind of speak on hygiene a little bit. You know me in real life. If you really know me in real life, you know I don't even play that funky shit. Like, I am a thicker woman, okay? So, you know, I got ass at the bottom, I got boobs, I got skin, I got creases. So at my job, one of the bathrooms, we can all we use them, but also the public can use them because it's a part where the public can come in, you know. And when I say I walked in that bathroom, it weren't even one o'clock in the afternoon. That motherfucker was humming. When I say it's getting too hot, and it ain't even summer yet. When I say I walked in that bathroom, and it smelled like somebody didn't bathe for days and just stood in there and bent over and had they asshole, had had both cheeks spreading that ass apart and asshole just wishing out funky, funky ass. It smelled like cheesy asshole. And I just feel like the way the way that smell was so strong, the person who left that assy smell in the bathroom, it's just like, do you just not care? Like, do people not care? Like, do y'all take showers at night, like when you get off work and in the morning before work? And again, I ain't even gonna get into the whole hygiene thing because you know, people be like, oh. Like I said, me personally, I don't play them type of games. Bitch, I'm taking one when I get off work, and I'm taking one before I go to work in the morning. If I wake up late for work, baby, I'm still gonna take a shower. I'm already late, I'm just gonna be late. I can't play them type of games. I really can't. And then to be in a public place and your ass smelling like that, I know your, I know you stink. I know your whole body stinks. And it ain't the thing is you can tell when ass has been unwashed for days versus a few hours. Because if it's musty, it's like, all right, we all get a little musty, all a little tart. This won't tart or must. This was straight unwashed cheesy ass. And now that it is getting hot, I'm gonna need I'ma need for people to really start taking care of that shit because it ain't cute. Oh my bad, y'all. My damn son hurt hurt because I got the windows open, he hearing shit. But yeah, now that it's getting hot, you know, especially especially my women, especially my women, because this is the women's restaurant that's smelling like that, by the way. I'm gonna I'm gonna need y'all to take care of that. Make sure them asses is getting washed with with antibacterial soap. I ain't talking about the dove body wash, because that shit, no, you need something that's gonna really get up in there and kind of kind of help you throughout the day. But that's all I'm gonna speak on that. Um, what I kind of want to talk about tonight is just talk about myself and how I really come a long way. Like having grace with myself and really, again, like I said, unlearning things, relearning, it's been a hell of a journey. Like it has, it has been such a journey. I didn't even realize it until I really had to sit and reflect, seeing the shit that I'm going through. It's just like, damn, like the way I'm learning to regulate my emotions, having emotional control, I would have never. The thing is, I always thought that I had that shit under control, but I didn't. Like, I honestly didn't. Any slight of inconvenience, anything thrown off, anything don't go the way that I feel like it's playing in my head, oh baby, I'm going to fuck off. I'm spazzing out, I'm blowing up on everybody. But I had to realize doing that was pushing people away. And I I didn't want to do that, especially as I get older. That shit is just it's so unattractive. Like, it's so unattractive to not have regulated emotions, like it really is. And I I had to, you know, I had to go get some help. And that's what, like, listen, ain't no shame in my game, baby. I go see me a therapist every she didn't push me out every two weeks, but she gets me right. She gets me right. That's what I am going to say. But I I have really come a long way, and I'm really proud of myself. And my mom, she always tell me, but a lot of times people can tell you stuff before you really realize it your own self. Just it's the same with when you lose weight, people gonna tell you, but sometimes you may not even realize it when you're looking at yourself. And a lot of the situations that I have been going through, or you know, previously or in the past like present, it's like the way I'm handling everything, I gotta pat myself on the back. I have to because a year ago, baby, I would have snapped. I would have went off the hinges even months ago. But again, dealing with it, processing it, knowing how to move from it, and then doing what I can do, doing all I can do, and then just, you know what I'm saying, letting the rest play out. Basically, in so many words, giving it to God, but still, you know, putting action on it. And I didn't realize the way I was moving, the way I was flowing with it. Like I come across a situation, I'm like, all right, this is what I can do. I did what I can do, now I gotta move on. And it's like it really is easier when when I don't spazz out, when I actually feel what's going on instead of reacting. Like, that's that's what it is. I'm learning to not react to situations. Because baby, when I say the way I would react, I don't even realize for real, for real, how I had friends. I don't even I don't even realize like the fact that I was in a relationship for so long, I don't even know how. Like, I don't know how people could really stand to be around me. And that's not saying like I was a horrible person. It's not like I was horrible to be around, but I just kind of reflecting, looking back over my life, the way I used to literally, literally spaz the fuck off at any slight inconvenience. Like just so much panic, so much anxiousness. But again, I really had to, I really had to get rid of some shit. I really had to go through some things and really understand, like, girl, all of that is not necessary. The more I spazz out, I'm still not gonna get what I want. So I might as well just let the shit process and then see how I can move. And that's what I've been doing, and it's really been working for me. Like, it has really been working for me. Granted, I can still get upset, but I'm like, you know what I'm saying? Let me pop my shit right quick and then let me figure out how to move. Like, I'm gonna I'ma still pop my shit about the situation because I don't even play like that. But you know, it's just I really come a long way. I really have, and it has not been easy, it has been very hard. It's been a lot of times, like I say, these last two weeks, I listen, I've been wanting to throw in a motherfucking towel. Throw in the towel completely, wring it out, throw it in. I don't even want nothing else to do with it. But it's just like I have to look at these simple situations as temporary because trouble really don't last always. And I hate cliche shit, but it's just like the the cliche shit be the main things that's like you really can't stress about it. Like, I really can't stress, it's temporary, you know. This not gonna be a forever situation, like the only way it'll stay forever is if I don't do anything to change it, like that's it. But healing is not easy, really like being, and I feel like I said this before being negative, being mean, being mad, those reactions, those emotions are so easy to fall into, and that's another thing. I'm learning to not act off of pure emotion. I'm not saying I don't have emotions because I do like I'm very I'm empathetic to people, but I also have to understand logic and again know how to process my emotions because spazzing off, just spazzing off, not having that type of emotional control, it really put me in situations that in a sense could have been avoided, definitely could have been avoided. But you know, I just I had to grow up in a nutshell. I really had to grow up, had to figure shit out, understand why I was feeling the type of way, and a lot of that shit really does stem from childhood, and I feel like people just feel like it's childhood along with growing up, dealing with life stressors at that, like I'm not taking away from that, but a lot of it really does stem from childhood and how we were brought up. And again, I've talked about it briefly how I was brought up, you know, and seeing shit for how it is now, it has really been a struggle for me because again, a lot of shit I ain't have to worry about until I became an adult. So having to really be an adult, like a real adult at the age I'm at, it won't it won't be easy to maneuver into. Like it really won't be easy to maneuver into, but you know, present day, right now, I really am proud of my growth and where I'm at, and just you know, the woman I'm becoming, the woman that I've always been destined to be. Like, I'm gonna be a big name. I'm trying to tell you, like, my name is gonna be on this internet, okay? Like, I'm gonna, I'm people gonna know who I am in a good way because I just I want I want people to know, like I want y'all to know it's okay to not have shit all together. It really is. Like, I had to realize that myself, I can't be stressing about shit I don't got. I just I gotta use my resources. I gotta use my resources. Hell, I've been, I gotta get extensions, you know. I'm I'm a real, we all dealing with this shit. We see what the fuck is going on in the world. I had to get extensions and shit to on on get some help, get some resources, get shit, get shit flowing again. Cause it's like, I feel like asking for help, I, you know, I I can be a little proudful, I really can, but I'm just recognizing and really just being honest about shit that I need help with and everything. I feel like that will get me further in life. I'm not with all of that holding stuff in and you know, being scared, being fuck all of that. Bitch, I need some help. Okay, that's basically where I'm at. But no, I I truly am proud of my growth and where I've come from and just still continuing to learn, learn more, learn more about myself and taking it a day at a time. Like I said, the funk, the funk will hit me sometimes, but you know, I just I gotta come up out that shit. I really gotta come up out of it, you know, on my own pace, on my own time. I can't stay in it though, you know. It's like to feel it, let it pass through, but I refuse to stay in that shit. Being in a dark place ain't fun, it's not fun at all. And whoever is struggling, going through dark times, listen. And you know, I really hope you come up out of it soon. That's just what it is. You can't rest somebody's process and how they feel. Like people, people really gotta feel it and go through and come up out of it. Like it sucks. It don't feel good at all. Like healing, growing, growing pains, healing, all of it. It don't feel good. It really don't feel good. As long as I tell myself every day, you know, shit is temporary. Whatever struggles that that we going through, whatever situations we going through that's not looking, you know, ain't looking too promising. It's temporary. It is definitely temporary, but you know, I feel good, I feel better. Things are definitely things are gonna look up for me. Like this, I'm that girl, like I really am. Like, it's gonna be alright. It's definitely gonna be alright. But this this podcast is gonna be very short tonight. Like, it's gonna be very short. This is more of an update because I really I've been trying to get my mental right for Sarah, you know, going to bed early, getting me some good rest. So I'm just I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of y'all too. Shit, if y'all pulling y'all self through whatever you're going through, you coming up out of, you seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. We we got this shit, okay? We got this. It's gonna be all right again. It's simple word. Go through it, feel it, just don't stay in it. As I always say, be nice to yourself, love yourself, be nice to your neighbor, love your neighbor, and listen, don't be judging people. Somebody, we all got shit going on. Please, if you think about somebody, reach out to them. Don't take shit personal, don't feel like somebody acting funny. Don't nobody got time for that shit. Reach out to your people, to your love ones. I was about to sing a song, that's why I paused. But reach out, you know, let somebody know. Even just send a quick text. Hey, I'm thinking of you know, hope everything's good. It's it's really not that hard. I just feel like a lot of people just complicate shit and it don't even need to be complicated. But I love y'all. Have a great and safe weekend. Again, thank you for supporting me. More podcasts to come. I would love some ideas if y'all have any. Again, not too much. Don't do too much. But I love y'all, and I will talk to y'all later. Bye.