Being Aligned / Feeling Guilty

Hey Boo , are you aligned ? Are you willing to make yourself suffer just to " win" ... me personally ima bounce hahaha I refuse to be unhappy ! .. yall tune in and again thank you for supporting me   

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Hey boo, welcome back to Siddity Nerd episode seven. Like, okay, I'm getting up there. Come on. Well, hey, y'all. What is going on? We made it to Friday. Not hold on. I gotta charge the computer. Let me get the charger. But we made it to Friday. And I felt like this has been a long week. Okay. Like, it's just it felt it felt like it was long. Like, goddamn, it felt like it took Friday forever to get here. But I'm glad we're here. Okay. It is the 27th. You know, we almost in April. So it's time is time is just going. Time ain't waiting for nobody. Okay. Shit just is flowing. And I don't understand why it's moving so fast. But hey, we're here. This is what it is. But I hope y'all had an amazing week. You know. Hope y'all do something fun this weekend. Unwind if you are doing anything. I'm not doing a damn thing. Because the way this pollen set up is it feel like it's trying to take me out. It feels like a personal attack to try to take me the fuck up out of here. Because I ain't never, my eyes ain't never itched this bad. I ain't never. I was, I'm not really a person that suffers from allergies really bad. Because I know some people, some people be fucked up. Some people be extremely fucked up. But I feel like with me, it's hit me a little different. I don't know if it's because I live further up in Dallas and it's just a little thicker out here. But you know, my eyes been a little watery, been a little itchy, a little too much for my liking. But hey, so I'm gonna stay in the house this weekend and just soak up all the air. Because I had my windows open last week, and I just so happened to look at like my light panel, that shit was full of pollen. I closed these damn windows so fast, I was like, oh hell no, I'm in here torturing myself, not even knowing for real, for real. But last weekend, y'all was my 5k, and when I say I'm so proud of myself because I completed the entire thing. I did get a little jog in, like I said, I was gonna do, but it was fun, like I would definitely do a 5k again, and I actually want to like run it, maybe not run the entire thing, but maybe like half of it, you know, just to really push myself to that limit. But it was fun, it was something I would definitely do again. Like, it's just it's more so it's kind of like a checkoff. Like, you know what? Let me check that. I did that, let me do another one, let me do this one, and I know it was like 10Ks and all this other shit. I'm like, okay, but a 5k was only three miles, and again, I do three miles on a regular on the weekend when I go walking, so it wasn't hard, but the pace I was walking was completely different. I was damn near running, but I was power walking really fast, and I normally don't walk like that, but I was paying for it because baby the next day my my fucking legs was sore as the bitch, but you know, it was for a good cause, and I'm really glad I did it. But y'all, okay, I was just watching Beauty and Black season two, and I had to come up off that because I was like, shit, I gotta go and record, I gotta work, I gotta record, okay. For one, I ain't even gonna lie, I like Mallory. She, I like her. I don't give a fuck what people feel or what they think about her. I fucks with Mallory. I fucks with Kimmy and Horace. Horace, listen. The day that a Horace comes up to me, he don't want no butt. He don't even want to touch. Like, we could just be cool, we could be like and live a lifestyle, baby. Listen, give me a motherfucking Horace who don't want shit, okay? That's when I say a sugar daddy, that's what the fuck I'm talking about. Like that is what the fuck I'm talking about. And he's good to look at. Like, he ain't no ugly ass old man. Like, he is just he good to look at. But that show is really good. The things they say about Tyler Perry is very true. He is a closeted man, and I just wish he would live his life out loud instead of living it through his characters and his shows. Because a lot of his shows just, you know, it's very telling. It's very telling. But that family, that motherfucking family is crazy as hell. Them back, what is it? Ballery. I'm about to call the people the wrong name. They fucking crazy. Like they are fucking crazy. Everybody in the family is shicey as fuck. Don't nobody trust nobody. The fuck, Roy and Charles poor children on drugs, it's it's a lot going on. The whole family is fucked up. The whole family, they screw each other behind the back. It's it's a hot ass mess. But honestly, it's a good show. Like, it really is a good show. I don't really care for Rain or Angel or Sylvie. Like, they could have just been written off the show. Kimmy for refresh should have just flew them to an island to keep them protected in peace like that. Because they didn't have to be on the show after the fact. Especially Rain. She just get get this hood bitch out of get her, get her the fuck up out of here, okay? We don't need all of that. And that big, big sloshy BBL pisses me the fuck off because again, Tyler, what the fuck was you doing? Why would you why why would you do her like that? But yeah, so I'm almost finished with the with the season too. I got like um two and a half more episodes to go. But it's good though. I ain't gonna lie. But tonight, I just kind of want to talk about I want to talk about being in alignment. And the more I really kind of focus on myself and you know, really, really elevating. That's the word I'm looking for. The more I'm elevating, the more I realize that shit has to make sense. Things have to be in alignment and where I'm going, what I want to do. So I I started to realize like a lot of a lot of conversations I'm having with people, a lot of things I'm seeing, a lot, I'm shit just not the same no more. Like things really don't hit how it used to because I'm no longer that person. Like, I really am a different person. So being around certain people, listening to certain music, just little things that I used to be into are they that shit no longer serves me. Like, I feel like as you elevate, as you want to do better in your life, alignment is necessary. Like, you have to be in alignment with what's going on, and that's not to say, like, oh, I'm better than people, or oh, I'm not gonna hang with you because you do this, you do that. No, it's just I've I've outgrown a lot of things. That's what it is. You just you outgrow shit. It's just kind of like a shirt. Listen, at some point, you're gonna outgrow their shirt, you're gonna outgrow them pants, you you you're gonna outgrow, and it's a good thing. Like growth is really a good thing. And I feel like sometimes I feel bad though. Like I'll outgrow in certain people, certain things. And a lot of times I feel like as you as you elevate, as you continue to want to do better, and you come across things that it's like, oh, you know, it's a little different. And you realize, for instance, family, you realize certain family members can't go with you. The whole left behind situation is just it's not in a it's not aligned. Like we like your car, for instance. We gotta get an alignment and make sure that steering wheel is, you know what I'm saying? Make sure it's right. You gotta get your tired, like shit, really, alignment matters. We can't bring everybody with us when we go into certain places. We can't have everybody, you can't bring the whole squad with you when you go into places, basically. And again, that is something that I had to learn because I will feel bad. Like, I will feel bad for certain things, and I'm not necessarily going through this personally, but I feel like in some instance, instances I have felt like, damn, I don't maybe I don't talk to this person as much, or maybe I don't talk to that person as much. But it's honestly, it's just alignment. Like, people just be on two different two different types of times. Like, that's just kind of what it boils down to. And I feel like with me, alignment is important, and that's with jobs, who I'm talking to, who I'm around, what I'm listening to, all of that, especially with a job. I've learned for myself, I can't stay at a job where I am completely miserable. I don't give a fuck about any of that shit. I don't give a fuck if I was there for four months. I will no longer suffer any fucking wear, whether that's a job, a relationship, whatever the case is, I will no longer suffer somewhere where I just truly don't want to be at. And I don't understand how people can torture themselves like that, especially when it comes to jobs. I'm like, why? It's almost like like I was talking to my coworker, and we was actually having this conversation today at work, and I was just like, I was like, cuz like I can't, I can't stay at a job and and my the purpose, the purpose, I've served my purpose. Like, once I feel like my purpose is served and I'm ready to go, bitch, I'm ready to go. It's time for me to start looking elsewhere. Some people will look at me and be like, oh, that's crazy. Like, you just don't say a job. So I don't, and that's just what it is. I'm I'm not going to stay somewhere I don't want to fucking be. And I feel like everybody should be like that. I am not the type of person who wants to ignore that part of myself. And if I do ignore it, I'm gonna become mean, I'm gonna become bitchy, I'm gonna start just doing shit because it's like I don't want to be there. So I don't really understand why people don't listen to themselves when it's time to leave a job, leave a relationship, or leave any type of situationship that you know you shouldn't be in. Like you're your body is literally screaming, get the fuck out of there. You no longer have a purpose there, like you're not aligned. And that's kind of how I feel with my job now. I'm gonna just go ahead and put that out there. Like, I don't give a fuck, okay? The purpose, the purpose is it's coming to an end, okay? Like, I feel like I deserved it and it's coming to an end, and it's time for me to get the fuck out. It's it's time, it's time. I gotta align with something else that makes sense. Like, it don't gotta make sense to nobody else, it just has to make sense to me, and that's kind of where I'm at with everything. Like, even if it don't make sense to the person, listen, I have a plan in my head, I know how I want things to go. If you want to stay somewhere, you're unhappy, you gonna let you letting them fuck you over, whatever the case is, like that. That's just something I don't want to do. And I'm coming into coming coming to terms with that, being more honest about just not wanting to stay places I don't want to fucking be in. Like, I don't, I don't understand for the life of me, just thinking like, why would I torture my why would I keep myself in situations like that? Like, why would I want to genuinely torture myself to stay in something I know damn well I don't want to be in? Like, why do do anybody else ever just sit down and kind of ask yourself like why am I in this? Why am I doing this? Like, why? It's so like even when it comes to like searching for these jobs, looking for these jobs, I have no dream job. I have no my dream job again, people won't understand it, but it's not for them to understand. It's really not, but it's just being that we have to work, you know, to get the money. If I am gonna work, it has to make sense. I'm not just gonna go out here and fucking get a job, no shade, really, really no shade. I'm not gonna get a job busting tables. I know personally deep down, I don't want to do that. And that whole sometimes you gotta do things you don't want to do, bitch, that's you. Don't put that on me. I'm not gonna get out here and do shit I don't want to do because again, if it's not in alignment with what I want to do or what I'm what I would think would be interesting in doing, I'm not fucking doing it. Like I'm I'm no longer settling for the bullshit, okay? I'm no longer going for any of that shit. I'm just listening. Again, and I think I mentioned this before. I'm just I'm not one of them type of people no more. That whole traditional shit, the whole, oh, just you know, it'll be leave, keep saying that shit for somebody else. Don't bring that shit my way. Don't bring it my way. Again, if you don't understand it, it's fine. But again, me, I'm not about to sit up here and torture myself. I just I can't do it. Like I can't fucking do it. I feel like I've done that with too many jobs, too many situations, and it just gets to a point where that shit fucks up my nervous system. It fucks up how how I want to move because here I am stuck in a situation where I don't want to fucking be in. And a lot of times I feel like when it does, when it it depends on the situation, because when it comes to jobs and stuff, of course, we can't just walk away and leave without having no type of backup plan. That's something I don't want to do. Like, again, it gotta make sense. I can't just walk off of a job and then I ain't got shit else. You know, I don't got nothing else lined up, and I understand the whole trusting aspect, but what we living in now, I can't just go to the office, be like, hey, I trust that I'm gonna get this check no. Look, I I can't do that. I gotta have something lined up. But it's also at the same time, being at a place that you don't like, being somewhere you don't wanna be at, you just you really gotta be honest with yourself. You really do. And I feel like I've that's where I'm at. Like it just it gotta make sense. Whatever I'm doing, it has to make sense to me. It don't again, it don't gotta make sense to nobody else. But that shit has to make sense to me. If I don't want to do it, if I don't wanna be there, I'm not gonna put myself in a position, in a predicament to suffer because I just feel like work, I don't have to work so goddamn hard just to get rewarded. I don't even I don't believe that shit no more either. Like working hard to the bone to get rewarded or suffering just to get a reward. I no longer believe that type of verbiage, that type I don't fuck with that shit. I really don't because I've like again, what if you don't even make it? Like, what if you don't even make it to the next day because you fucking working so hard? Like, bitch, you can die tomorrow, and I'm not trying to be insensitive, but it's just the simple fact, why not do something you love versus doing something that you absolutely hate, but you so gung ho on this is gonna be, this is gonna get you to the pot of gold. You want to work yourself to a motherfucking grave. Like, I don't I don't believe life should be like that. I really don't, and hell, some people may call it delusional. Again, it don't have to make sense to nobody else but me. And just being okay with that, like being okay with that and doing what I want to do, and still, you know what I'm saying, having my outcome. It's just like, look, different strokes for different folks. If you want to work hard, if you feel like working hard, it's gonna get you to your success, baby. Hey, by any means necessary, but I will not send my body up into stress, I will not fuck up my nervous system and push myself to the fucking limit to where I know that's not what I want to do or that's not where I want to be. Like, I'm not with any of that foolishness. So anything I do, anything I do, it just has to be in alignment. No, like that's really it. Like, it's no other way. Like, what I do from here, even having conversations, even being around people. I don't want to be around the same people who want to just talk about other shit. Like, let's talk about some real shit. Like, let's talk about, let's talk about what's going on in the world. You know what I'm saying? We're gonna sit down, have these conversations. Let's talk about what's going on in the world, let's talk about how we can make it better, let's talk about how we can help our community, help the black community. I don't give a fuck what anybody else is doing, I don't give a fuck about the celebrities, I don't give a fuck about the latest fashions. The people who even make these fashion clothes don't even like your ass. So the simple fact of like what are we supporting? What are we really supporting? What are we really doing here? You know what I'm saying? Again, if we're gonna have any type of conversation, probably about the first five minutes of us talking. If you start talking about some other shit, I already know, you know what I'm saying? You ain't for me, I ain't for you, and that's okay. It don't even gotta be no beef at the end of the day. But I just I want to be around people, places, and things that actually feed my soul and what I want to do, and vice versa. I don't feel like we should be around anybody or anything that makes us feel uneasy, and you know, just all of that. Like shit, really just gotta be in alignment. It's really it's simple, it's actually very simple when you think about it. It don't have to be complex. I'm not saying we sit around whole hands cooled by y'all, because baby, again, I like to cut up. I love to have me a good time here and there, you know. It ain't gonna be no every weekend back to back because I can't take all that thumpity bump bump up in my chest. But you know, it gotta be a good balance, and I'm I love a balance, I absolutely love a good balance, but also it just shit gotta make sense. Shit really gotta make sense at the end of the day, and that's with anything. So, you know, just find your tribe because that's I'm out here looking for community. I really am. Like, I I wanna I wanna do some community stuff. I wanna be around people who actually want to evolve as a as a person, you know what I'm saying? Evolve as a community, like doing things, stuff like that. Other, you know, I don't know. I feel like I'm just rambling. It's probably gonna be short tonight because you know this this all I really got. This really all I got. But just be in alignment, you know, be in tune with yourself, be real with yourself, don't don't do shit that you don't wanna fucking do at the end of the day. Like if you don't want to do that, if you don't want to work that job, if you don't want to be in that relationship, if you don't want to go to that party, just don't fucking do it. Let's let's not torture ourselves. It's about to be the summertime. If you single, have a motherfucking blast. If you wanna sleep with Tom, Dick, and Harry, sleep with Tom, Dick, and Harry safe safely, please. But hey, do your thing. Like, if you want to sleep, sleep with Sheila, Shelley, and and goddamn Shauna, sleep with them all, just do it safely. Like, let's just not give a fuck. But make sure, you know, make make sure it makes sense. Let me let me not say it like that, but just make sure it makes sense to you. It's in alignment what you want to do. You know what I'm saying? Like it's it's gonna put you to where you need to be. I'm not saying, I ain't saying go out here and just and sew your oats, but hey, if that's if that's what you want to do, that's what you want to do. But you know, overall, on a serious note, just make sure, make sure it's it serves a purpose for you. And that's just what it is. Like, if it don't make sense, don't do it. Sometimes everything ain't gonna make sense, you know. You may gotta goddamn do some things to get you in certain places, but for the most part, make make listen to your body, listen to your body again. If it ain't if it ain't what you want to do, then just don't do it. Don't so don't don't listen to other people if they're not even where you want to be or where you want to go. Because some people will be like, oh, you just gotta do what you gotta do. I actually stopped listening to those people because a lot of those people who say stuff like that are stuck in places where again, I don't even want to fucking be there. So I'm not gonna do what I quote unquote have to do because you're still doing what you quote unquote had to do and you're still fucking stuck. So I'm just gonna kind of take chances, be slightly delusional, but still put action behind it. I'm not just gonna go off the deep end and not do shit, but you know, just being in alignment. That's it, that's all. Y'all have a great weekend. I am about to go relax because listen, I'm telling this pollen is fucking with me. My eyes itched so goddamn, they itched the whole time. But you know what? I got it out. I said what I needed to say. Y'all have a great weekend. As always, loving yourself, love your neighbor. Even if your neighbor and you ain't in alignment, it ain't it don't have to be no beef. It really don't. We are all here doing our own thing. If it don't align with you, just walk away. If it ain't for you, it ain't for you. If it is for you, hey, maybe you found your community. Go out and find your community, go find your tribe, find people who actually all got the same interests and everything. Like that makes shit a whole hell of a lot better. But I love y'all, be safe, whatever y'all do, and I will talk to y'all next week. Bye.