Being Self Aware IS lowkey exhausting 😮‍💨

Heyy Boo ! Listennn I used a different mic on this episode and It was EXTREMELY close lol soo please do not listen to this on full blast with headphones lol but the message still hits ! Make sure yall follow my TIKTOK itsjuslucyyyy .. love yall 

TikTok- itsjuslucyyyy:

https://www.tiktok.com/@itsjuslucyyyy?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey boo, and welcome back to Sidney Nine episode 10. Ugh, it is Wednesday. It is hunk day. We all we almost said Friday. We are almost there because listen, it needs to come on. I'm tired now. But no. I hope everybody is having an amazing week. Had a great weekend. You know, everything's going good. I hope everyone's mental is better than it was maybe yesterday, maybe last week. But overall, you know, I hope people are in a better place mentally. I feel like with me personally, I've I've been feeling great this week. I can't even lie. Like I have, I don't know. It's just, I feel different. I can't really put my finger on it. But I just I've been feeling good. I've really been feeling good. Like it's I don't know what it is. I'm just I'm flowing. I'm really going with the flow out of this bitch. Like I can't, I can't keep stressing over shit. I can't control. I can't keep doing that at all. But I think what it is too, y'all, I've been listening to audiobooks. Normally I'm I like to like read physical books, but like I said, I started listening to I listened to five audiobooks this week, last week and this week. And the book I finished up today is Tempted by Danger by India Carter. Let me just say this. These books blew my mind because I didn't, I feel like growing up, like a lot of people was reading these. Like my friends and stuff, they was reading these books. My mama ain't played that shit. I won't really, I wasn't allowed to do that stuff. And so as I became like a younger dog, I never got into it. But I was on TikTok last week, and you know, I fell down a rabbit hole of I think it was, I think the category of something was called why choose. So I went down that rabbit hole and I found the Arthur Sean as well. S-H-O-M. Listen, India Carter and Sean, they they we we real close, okay? I love them. I let them real bad. But this last book, Tempted by Danger, ain't no way these stories ain't real. It's no way. I'm just like, the way the the descriptions, I'm I am such a vivid person. Like listening to these, like listening to the book and closing my eyes, I was like, yeah, yeah, this this that happened for real. This that happened, people people getting put through mattresses in these books, okay? They getting put through the goddamn concrete brick walls, okay? They getting put through it all. But no, I I love a good audiobook now. Like I really, I really have been enjoying that. Like, and it's it's really been helping me and calming my nerves for real. So I'm like, shit, I forgot how much I love reading. And and even like I said, with audiobooks, I just doing that is it's really been helping me. So if y'all need something to kind of like ease your spirit, maybe listen to an audiobook. It's it's literally like a podcast, or even go to the library. Now I went to the library in the city I live in, highly disappointed, highly disappointed. I'll get into that in some later episodes because I can't get into it right now, but highly disappointed. They didn't have not one black romance section. You know, I was I was very pissed off about it. I'm not gonna lie. I was very pissed off, but you know, it is what it is. I can't I can't control shit I can't control. So that's that. But um, but yeah, you know, I hope everybody's overall feeling good in a good mental space, you know, just just feeling amazing, feeling great. So tonight, and I'm gonna go ahead and jump into it. I kind of want to talk about as you can see from the title, being self-aware is low-key exhausting. Like, ugh, and I feel like I just whew, let me let me just let it sit out. Because even just saying it, like being self-aware is low-key exhausting. And what I mean by that, for instance, constantly looking at situations on a deeper level rather than a surf, rather than just looking at it on the surface. And I'm I am that type of person, and I don't mean exhausting as in like, oh my god, it's annoying. Some sometimes it can be. I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes it definitely can be annoying because it's just like, damn, why do I have to look at things so deep? But that is everything really is that deep because we have to you have to trace stuff back. Like people act a certain way, and then when you see, you know, when you see parts of the family, then when you when you get more information added in and you start piecing stuff together, you understand, like, damn. And again, a lot of people are not self-aware. I feel like some people are self-aware, but maybe in different areas. Like, some people may not be self-aware in how they treat people, some people may not be self-aware of their surroundings, so it depends on the the awareness, like whatever the situation is. But I feel like overall, when it comes to just people in general, a lot of people are just not self-aware. And and it's exhausting because I me personally, I am very self-aware. Like I kind of I kind of overanalyze shit, I kind of overthink, but again, not in a sense of stressing myself out, but I just I see shit on such a deeper level than than just surface level. I don't, I'm not a surface level type of person. I don't I don't think I've ever been. I don't want to be. And again, I go deep depending on who the person is. If a person is surface level, then I just know you know what, maybe me and you not gonna mesh that well. Because again, I like to get deep with shit. I like to clean stuff out. When I'm when you when you deep cleaning your house, you like to really get the crevices, the baseboards, the fan blades, all that stuff. That's that's getting deep, that's deep cleaning. Everybody don't like to clean like that, and that's fine, but you know, it gets to a point where maybe this just ain't this just not gonna be it. This not gonna be it for us because again, I'm going to get deeper. I'm gonna get deeper than what the fuck is going on on the surface. And it also brings me to situations again with myself, just feeling like I'm going fucking crazy when I know what I'm feeling is very valid. And I feel like I have never been gaslit, or I didn't know I was being gaslit until I, you know, understood the definition of that and was in more situations and became aware of like, oh, you're gaslighting me, or this situation, like, you know, just whatever the situation is. But it really is, it really, it really do be like that. Like feeling like I'm going crazy when I know good and goddamn well what's going on. Like, I and some again, some people may not see it like that, some people don't want to see it like that. They just they want to avoid it all. But I I'm not an avoidant, I'm not an avoidant type of person when it comes to certain situations, especially situations that I'm involved in. Like, if I'm involved in situations and things like that, it's not we not avoiding shit. Like, you you tripping, but you want to make it seem like I'm tripping. I don't got time for stuff like that anymore, especially where I'm at in my life now. At this point, anybody getting cut the fuck off. I I don't have time. I don't have the time, I don't have the patience, I don't have the energy to be trying to figure out like, listen, if I'm bringing something to your attention and you trying to spit it back at me like it's not that deep, I don't even want to fuck you at that point because people be, I don't give a fuck, people be knowing. I I actually seen a TikTok today, the guy was like, people have to stop using their diagnosis as an excuse, basically, to in so many words, to stop using your diagnosis as an excuse to treat people a certain type of way, and I totally agree with that. Like I understand people go through stuff, people deal with things differently. But if you know you deal with stuff on a different level and you're still trying to be around people, but you don't want to take accountability or you want to try to make it seem like it's not that, get the fuck from around me. Like, I really I just I don't have time for stuff like that anymore. Like, if you don't want to get deeper, if you don't want to talk about and release and express those feelings, we literally have nothing to talk about. Like, if that's if I if this if it's me having to find community where we can all sit and communicate and actually get out what needs to come up and come out, I'm I'm all for that. Like I'm all for literally, you know, peeling the band-aid off and allowing the scab to heal because some people just want to keep that band-aid on, baby. I'm not doing that. Stuff really gotta come up and come out, and I'm not for burying treasure. I'm sorry. Dig that shit up, dig it up. Ain't no need to keep trying to cover it up, ain't no need to try to play in my face like basically you trying to be funny, but trying to make it seem like that I'm crazy because I'm picking up on you being funny. Again, everybody ain't got intuition like that, everybody ain't got discernment like that, and that's fine. I know what the fuck I'm feeling, and I know the shit be real. Now, again, I always gotta look back at myself to make sure I ain't tripping, to make sure that I'm just not overanalyzing a situation. But nine times out of ten, which brings me to my next one, is being early when like basically calling stuff out too early before it even happened. I feel like I've been like that all my life. I don't, I don't even necessarily understand it. I don't know, but it's like I have always kind of been like that, just knowing things too early, but also learning to take the cape off and not interfere with people's situations, with people's lessons. I can't sit up here and tell you something that I see and you may not see it yet, and that is something that I and I'm still learning to this day, you know, like really understanding, having grace with people, allowing people to experience life and and make their own decisions because the again, I can't interfere with somebody has to learn or what somebody has to understand. But it's just I be knowing shit. And I feel like sometimes now, especially as I get older, maybe I need to make disclaimers like hey, if I'm telling you something, please don't get offended by it. But some people just see shit. Like I am a type of person that sometimes I really can see shit or feel situations, pick shit up on people before stuff even happens. But I'm looked at like I'm crazy because again, people are not fucking self-aware. People don't like looking at shit on a deeper level, they just take it for surface level and go on with it, and then eventually down the line, you end up getting fucked over. And it's just like I'm sorry that happened. Because the thing is, I have experienced that as well. I definitely, as I get as I have gotten older, my feelings, my you know, my intuitions have gotten stronger, and I am listening to that a whole a hundred percent. Like if you can't listen to yourself, you can't listen to nobody else. Because it's just like, you know, so if again, if you don't trust yourself, you can't trust nobody else. That's to me, that's a law, and my that is ingrained in my brain. If I do not trust myself, I cannot trust anybody else. That is point blank, period. Because there's no way in the fuck I'm gonna allow somebody to lead me, and damn, I can't even think or do for myself. So it's like, no, that's all. But again, me not interfering with anybody's lessons and being early and stuff, sometimes that has been hard for me. But now, like my mama always said, just sitting back and observing. I literally have to do that. Even when I know people trying to play in my motherfucking face, sometimes I'm just like, you know what? I ain't even gotta do shit for real. Because bitch, you gonna you gonna basically put your own foot in your own fucking mouth. Like at the end of the day, I ain't I'm not I'm not the one you mad at. You got a deeper issue going on. It's a personal problem. When I now I truly understand when people project and when people just like to say shit, like to be rude and mean, that's a that's a personal problem, especially if you don't know the person. If you don't know the person, they just coming off at you crazy sideways, just being shady, trying to gaslight you. It's a person, it's a personal problem. It is a personal problem. And again, I can speak from experience because I I have been the person that has projected on people due to my own personal issues, my own personal insecurities. But once I started cleaning house, once I started getting deeper in my own shit and realizing like, damn, X, Y, and Z, or I'm this way because of this, this, that, and the third. Like, again, people are not self-aware. When you become self-aware of your own issues and your own problems, like basically, when you start minding your own motherfucking business and working on yourself and dealing with the shit that you have going on, because until you until you dig all that up, till you clean all that out, moving forward is gonna seem like it's hard as hell. Trying to do things, trying to go to certain places, trying to just trying to become this person. If you do not deal with that old shit, baby, you ain't you you ain't doing shit. You you really ain't doing shit. Like you're you're not really gonna get far if you do not become if you are not self-aware. That is again, that's to me. I just feel like become being self-aware also comes with growth, also comes with losing people, also comes with, you know, maybe gaining different it comes with a lot. It definitely comes with a lot, some of it expected, some of it unexpected, depending on what it is, it's gonna come with something. But like I said, to me, sometimes it can be exhausting because when you are around certain people and when these things are coming up, when you are listening to yourself, when you're when you're recognizing what's going on and people can't see it, it's just like damn. It's really that same people, everybody can go with you. And I always say that I've mentioned that boy, like everybody cannot go to go with you to where you are going. And I feel like it's so it's just like damn. It's really just like damn. But again, take taking the cape off. I have taken my cape off, and I just I burnt that shit. Like I burned it. I'm I I'm definitely still there for people, but again, we can't fight nobody's battles. People, everybody, nobody is coming to save you but yourself. I know I always say that, and I stand on that shit. Like, you really have to deal with your own demons. Like, you yourself, you have to become aware of what is going on in your life. I understand different things work for different people as far as you know, whatever your personal beliefs are, but at the end of the day, you have to have some self-awareness in your life, you have to have some type of accountability on the situations you're in. Again, you can't some everything ain't gonna be surface level. You have to look deeper, you have to. It's not always gonna be on the surface. You absolutely have to. If shit is going crazy, you ain't you it's it's valid. Like if you are feeling the type of way, if your if your body is reacting, like if your nervous system is just jumpy and all this other stuff, is something is going on. You ain't tripping, don't let nobody gaslight you. When you start feeling the type of way about a situation, you feeling jumpy. Hell, some people break out in half, some people throw up. That is a sign. Whoever you are around, that that is not good for your body. I've been in situ, I've been in a situation like that. I'm I'm arguing with somebody, my goddamn throat started closing up. That shit never happened to me before. I'm like yelling and and fussing and stuff, starting getting anxiety, basically building up throat started closing up. Oh hell no. Hell fucking no. Like that was a telltale sign right then and there. And then again, just being early in situations, sometimes speaking on stuff before it even happens, and people think you're crazy, or people just think, oh, you just tripping, you just overthinking. You know what? Maybe I'm just not for your motherfucking ass. How about that? Since you don't want to look deeper into it, since you feel like I'm tripping, let me just step back and you're gonna see it eventually down the line. And basically, that's that's just what it is. Again, you can't talk, you know. I cannot put this talking to other people who are self-aware is not gonna be exhausting. Talking to people who are not self-aware is exhausting. Let me let me put it like that. When people are not self-aware, when people are not aware of themselves, not aware of their surroundings, they're just doing shit, not paying attention, it is exhausting. Because again, as a and I'm not saying I'm a perfect person, like I'm not perfect, and and it ain't like I mess up at times, but again, I'm I'm just very aware. I've always been aware, and I'm I I have to be like that. That is how I move, that is how I function. And you know, some some people may not fuck with it, but you know what? We just ain't for each other, and that's okay. Because one thing about it, I I have to. I gotta look at it deep. If I'm feeling the type of way, and you making my body feel I'm moving, I'm gone, I'm out of there. I'm fucking out of there. I'm gonna listen to myself, I'm gonna listen to my body now. Like I said, as I have gotten older, as I have gotten older, it has gotten so much better. Listening to myself, trusting myself, believing in myself, understanding that what I'm feeling is very valid. What I'm feeling is absolutely valid. And it doesn't mean, I don't even mean that the other per the other person is like a bad person or a horrible person or anything like that, but you know what? Elevation, everybody's elevation level is different. Every air, all the elevators ain't going up at the same time. Some people elevators going up a little faster. And I feel like I'm on the I'm on a level where my elevator is just shooting up because I'm like, all right, cool. If I don't now, if I don't like something, bitch, I'm gone. Put me on the next floor. What's next? If I don't like what's on this floor, babe, I'm going up out of here too. Again, like I said before, you can't be suffering. You cannot be suffering, you can't be just sitting in your own mess, sitting in situations. You have to be self-aware. You have to be, you have to be around that community who is self-aware. So that way, you know what I'm saying? It's it's more, it's not as exhausting hanging around people who just base. I feel like self-awareness also falls into taking accountability. Once you start taking accountability of the things that's happening in your own life, shit will get better when you start focusing on you, when you start dealing again, dealing with the shit that you need to deal with, going deeper into your life, really analyzing with who you hanging around, how these people making you feel, you know, picking up shit. You got to you have to listen to yourself, you have to. The same way people can get up every Sunday and go to church, or the same way people can sit up here and listen to tarot readers and things like that. You also have to listen to yourself and understand that you have to be very self-aware about what's going on in your life. And if you're not, if you are a self-aware person, hanging around a person who's not as self-aware, it can be very it is exhausting. It is very exhausting because it's gonna always seem like a battle, it's gonna always seem like a tit for tat, a fuss, a bump of heads, and at that point, it's just time to part ways. It ain't it's it ain't no bad blood, it ain't no beef, it's just it's simply time to part waves, get on the elevator, and move to the next floor. So that that's kind of what I wanted to lay out tonight, you know, very, very to the point, very simple. And you know, but before I wrap it up, I just what I also want to say too, as you become more self-aware, make sure you pop your shit. Because when you come out of situations and when you realize certain things and when you understand yourself a little bit better, and you you you like, you know what I am the shit. Because that's where I'm at right now. Like, I I'm really the shit. I don't give a fuck who think I'm not the shit. I know I'm the shit. I know I'm gonna pop my shit every chance I get because I know where I came from, I know what I dealt with, I'm still dealing with certain things, but also while having grace with myself, and it's just like make sure you celebrate yourself as well. Celebrate yourself. We can't wait for other people to celebrate us. We gotta celebrate ourselves as well. Yes, have people if people do celebrate you, that is awesome. That is completely awesome. But make sure you have that with yourself too. Self-awareness, self-celebrate and self-love, just just being in love with fucking self. It's I feel like that's one of the best things I have come to terms with. Just uh just loving myself. But you know, as I always say, even at all on the ends of my podcast, just love yourself. Like seriously, even on days where it may not feel like it, you just gotta really love yourself and send love, send love out. Now, I ain't saying if people fucking you over and just being outright rude, let let them people go, just let them go. And I ain't even gonna say let them go with love. I ain't need that type of person, but I'm gonna just let them go. I ain't gonna speak ill on them, but hey, do your thing. I hope you get some help and I hope you heal whatever the hell you got going on. But but seriously though, love yourself, love on your neighbors who love on you, and just pop your shit, be you, be self aware, understand what's going on, you know. Take the cape off and just do you shit. Pop pop your shit, pop your shit. But I love y'all and I appreciate y'all. Have a safe and great weekend, and I will talk to y'all next week. Bye.