BUILT ON CHRIST - Parent Series Ep. 3

In this series, you will hear from staff and leaders for our student ministry on parenting that is built on Christ. Each week, we explore a passage from the book of Colossians and discuss practical, biblical principles for navigating the challenges of parenting in today's world. Through honest conversations, each episode offers encouragement and practical insight into what God calls us to be as parents.

In this episode, you will here from Caleb Waid (student pastor), Jonathan Dunagan (leader), Ashley Head (leader) and Shelly Wiggins (leader).

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Welcome to Off Script, a conversation with no fakes, no filters, just real conversations about how faith and flesh meet in the everyday life, where we experience a God who made us on purpose for his purpose. This is Off Script. Let's talk.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

Hey, welcome back to our third conversation that we've had about Colossians. And if this is the first time you're joining us, I'd encourage you to go back, listen to the first two. We really just kind of walked through chapter one of Colossians, and now we're in chapter two. And we're really we're just kind of showing you how the gospel just can meet you in every piece of your life, at work, in your family, at home, just personally. And we some of you might be very close to the Lord, some of you might be far away from him, some of your family might be very close to him, and your family might be very far away from him. Either way, we just want to kind of give you a little bit of wisdom and knowledge about uh what the Bible has to say about parenting. It's not just from me. Uh, we've got multiple parents here in a room, and uh, we've got four of them here at a table to kind of walk through chapter two. And I would just kind of give you a little bit of the lens uh before we jump in. And Ashley, you might want to jump in too. But I uh, you know, I remember having a conversation with a guy this last week, and we were just talking about just, you know, he was feeling like, hey man, I'm just I'm not who I thought I was gonna be. You know, and we were talking about who he was five years ago and who he thought he would be five years from now. And he's like, I'm just not that person. And he was really depressed. Like, I thought I would be further along in my faith, I thought I'd be further along with my struggles, I thought I'd be further along. And he just was beaten down as just a parent and just thought, I'm just not who I thought I was gonna be. And uh, and he hated that about himself. And he, I remember uh he just had all the right answer, he means he knew the right answer, he just knew what to say. And when we started talking about just his family, and I just made the comment, hey, you uh I think some of the issue might be you love the Lord. I mean, you don't love the Lord more than you love your family. And we got off on this huge conversation about loving the Lord more than you love your family. And I think it kind of leans well into Colossians 2, 1 through 7, when it's talking about connecting to your kids, you know, and contending with your kids for the heart and their faith and just wisdom while the world is trying to do the same thing. And probably where he was in his life being very um passive about things, the world was being very aggressive, you know. So I I don't I don't know, actually, you see that I mean Ashley, you got you've raised multiple people, okay? Not just not just your own kids, but just a village, sometimes people, you know, and so the world is trying to contend for them, and so are you, you know what I'm saying? And so how do you walk that line of I'm gonna draw the line here, and this is where the world's gonna speak into you, and this is where the Lord is speaking into you. You know, how I mean, how do you draw that line?

SPEAKER_00 2:52

I think first, you know, as as parents, as long as we understand, you know, we we can't make our children love God. We can't make them have a relationship with Jesus. We can point them in the right direction. God's gonna be the one to grab their hearts and direct it. But in order to do that, we have to start with ourselves because we can't point them to something that we don't ourselves have.

SPEAKER_02 3:16

Yeah, that's good. So I mean I hear that all the time when people say, like, hey, don't expect your kid to have a faith that you you don't have. Don't have a prayer life that you don't have.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

So our your kids, our kids need to be seeing us living our lives daily, praying, praying for ourselves, praying for them.

SPEAKER_02 3:32

And even at probably even asking them, hey, what do you want me to pray for you about? Right. Or, you know, here here's something that you can pray for me about. Man, I don't know. Parents that usually tell their, you know, 14-year-old, hey, here's something I need you to pray for me about. I usually it's the other, you know, you want the other thing.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

But yeah, that is They need to see you actively in the Bible, reading the Word, studying it. Because if you're not studying it, how are they going to how are they going to have how are you going to contend for a faith that that you don't have that they don't see you living?

SPEAKER_02 4:02

And I think before we even start this, we made mention of just you're going to build that culture in your own family, you know, because of what you celebrated and what you counted. You know, if you're if you're celebrating every win because it's a sports win or it's an academic win or whatever, but you don't celebrate the spiritual wins, well you're you built that culture. You know, like if you're counting, hey, let me tell you how many, you know, A's you had all through middle school versus how many passes of scripture do you know? You know, like you built that culture. You you're the one that celebrated and counted things. And so it's it's how do you how do you walk a little bit of that line? Okay, so Jonathan, you move a little further along in the text. Okay, you have you he Jonathan's got awesome kids, athletic kids, and I would say are it doesn't matter what sport it would be. I would say, Jonathan, you have kids that they might step in as an average kid playing a sport. By the end of that season, not only will they be one of the best, they'll also be leading the team. You know, like so those are the two kids I feel like you you have that are like that would probably walk with how does identity work with hey, finding my place in church, finding my place on a sports team, finding my place in my identity in something besides the Lord. You know, I'm sure that's a a conversation you and your your kids have a lot.

SPEAKER_03 5:29

Yeah, I mean it's uh it it it's it's tough, but I mean, going back to the to the passage of a second uh or Colossians 2, where Paul talks about I think it's verse verse 8, see to it that no one takes captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy. Now, deception, I think Satan's greatest strategy, it's not destruction, but it's deception. Because Satan knows that if he can convince you that you're less than who God says you are, that you'll spend the rest of your life living beneath an authority that never that was never meant for you. And for for two girls, the issue, and really for everyone, the issue is not so much who you are, but it's who you're who you think that you're not. You're not good enough, you're not worthy enough. For girls, you're not prude enough. And just instilling in them their identity, it's not originated in their emotions, in their feelings, in their circumstances, what happens in volleyball. There's good days, there's bad days. But it's originated in who they are with Christ, their position with Christ. And all throughout scripture, I mean it talks about how you know we're not just simply forgiven, but we're adopted and we're redeemed. Uh Paul says in verse 10 of Colossians 2 that we're brought to fullness. In other words, we're made complete in hell. And that's where our identity comes from.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

Every night I'd have to I'd tell my so how old are your girls?

SPEAKER_03 7:18

Twenty almost 21 and 16.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

21 and 16. Okay, so Holland is eight. I so I, you know, for eight years I've been telling her before she goes to sleep, we do our little handshake. You got a handshake with your with your? I do. You do? Or is it the same one?

SPEAKER_03 7:30

No, it's different.

SPEAKER_02 7:32

See, I have to have different ones too for everybody, and I would be honest with you, it's kind of confuses me sometimes when I'm really tired. They're like, what are you doing? This is I'm not red, I'm Holland, you know, like and I have to give Holland her handshake. And so anyway, but I tell her, beautiful and brave, be, you know, and to remind her, this is not what Daddy is saying, this is what the Lord has said about you, you know, and because at some point, you know, when she gets to the meanest stage of a female's life, which is eighth grade, I like when they get to that stage of life, you know, no, you know, just well, because the year before, all the guys were mean. You know, year before all the seventh grade guys were the one making fun of everybody, okay? And now eighth grade girls, now the girls have jumped in, they're making fun. So when she somebody says you're ugly or you're fat or you're weird or you're, you know, whatever, fill in the blank, whatever you, you know, they're just being a jerk to you, you realize what the Lord has said about you. Yeah. And and and I would just assume I don't I I've I also gave you a passage that uh had a lot of verses about circumcision. Would you like to speak into any of those? No, I I think I'll skip over that part, but uh every time I read it, I was like, oh anyway, I don't I don't know if you have a bit of advice even for people that okay, if your your family's walking with I mean, you can have your identity in in in anything, okay, but I I would say there's just a massive struggle in your identity with sports. If you're a sports family, you travel, you you you you're constantly around this. I mean, it's a heavy burden of sports in your home. Most of your conversations about this, most of your choices are about this. You know, like so how do you how do you navigate that in a family of athletes?

SPEAKER_03 9:14

Yeah.

unknown 9:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 9:16

Pointed to Allison. She is all the athletic ability. Came from her. Okay. Yeah, you know, it's it's just having conversations. We talked about this earlier, just having conversations with them and asking questions. Both both my daughters, they're very different. One does not ask questions, she's not curious. So I have to be the one to, hey, what do you think about this? The other one is, hey, what's what's this about? What does what does this mean? So just having those conversations. It's it's different, it looks different for each for each child. And just being real, just being authentic. Sometimes if we try to put on the good show, yeah. But we, I mean, for Alice and I, I think we've done a pretty good job of showing them what marriage is not it's not always pretty, yeah. What marriage looks like and um the the good times and the bad times? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

But is there is there a line? And maybe y'all might have one of these too. Is there a line that's like, this is the line we're not gonna cross? You know, because sometimes you're trying to figure out as a parent, like, you know, like, is this okay or is this not okay? Should we should we do this? Should we not do that? You know, like when it comes to making decisions, is there a line that you say I'm not gonna cross and everybody kind of knows it? Is it or you is it like every situation's kind of a little different, if that makes sense?

SPEAKER_03 10:36

I mean, the we we do have non-negotiables, if that's what you're getting at. Yeah. I mean I'm I'm not sure if anybody else wants to speak into that.

SPEAKER_04 10:45

But I think it's important that they see you work those things out. Especially if you need to work it out between each other. And it and a discussion is not necessarily an argument.

SPEAKER_02 10:56

Like they're you're talking about with them, or you're talking about with you and Stan.

SPEAKER_04 11:00

If Stan and I need to you know, if we're modeling that, like, if you're listening to this, Stan is her husband.

SPEAKER_02 11:05

Sorry. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:07

If Stan and I need to work something out and make a decision and we might disagree, it's important, I think, for the kids to see us discussing that and that every discussion or disagreement isn't an argument. There are some non-negotiables in marriage and that you know we're not gonna have a we're not gonna talk a certain way to each other.

SPEAKER_02 11:30

Sure. Uh yeah, I I think, yeah, I think my wife and our same same line. There's certain certain areas that like we we're not gonna do this at all, at least in front of people or in front of them. We'll have this conversation somewhere else. Or we'll do whatever, you know, like, and or like you're not ever gonna hear me say, Hey, we're not gonna tell, hey, we're not telling mom this. Okay, we're not telling that. Now you might hear her say, I will tell your mom. I mean, and I'm thinking, like, heck no, we're not telling her now. Okay, like, but but I will say, hey, we'll we'll tell her. You know, like we're not gonna teach this thing of like you can it's okay to have a secret. And I think that kind of builds a culture in itself where uh you almost kind of if you build that enough, you feel like it's okay to have a secret from God. Say, oh, well, you know, like I you have a private life and then you have a godly life, and you're like, well, I mean, that those build that culture of it's okay to be one way here and not this way in a in another area. Well, what about the next two verses? Take us through a little bit of that in talking through just moving from rule-based parenting to maybe like a grace-based discipleship. Like, how does that play a part in parenting, especially 16, 17 of the passage of the verse?

SPEAKER_04 12:45

Yeah, I think that initially it's talking um, you know, references in 16, it's talking about the Old Testament laws because then at that point, you know, that was the only way that God's people could be holy and be in his presence. But after Christ came, you know, that that moved to the relationship with him. And it wasn't so much about those rules. So I think w the goal wasn't ever like compliance and perfect, you know, following of a bunch of rules and regulations. It was the goal was to to to know and to follow God.

SPEAKER_02 13:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 13:20

So parenting, you know, has a there's a parallel there. It's very similar. You know, we talked last time at the beginning when they're little, it's, you know, don't touch the hot stove. Hold my hand when you cross the street. Yes, ma'am, and no, ma'am, because we live in the south. But as they get older, the goal isn't isn't to have a good kid. It's it's to have that not to have a good kid that simply obeys rules. It's it's to raise a godly adult who has a relationship with Christ. And and those rules at at some point because they have a relationship with Christ, the Holy Spirit is going to convict them to follow that. So so those choices become theirs, and it's because of a relationship, not because of a bunch of right and wrong rules.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

I wonder if, and I could be off on this. I mean, actually, you work at the school, okay. You you probably could speak into this maybe a little bit more. I don't know, but like I there's a difference between there's this battle that you see even now in churches, in business, and everything, the the the the right thing to do versus the good thing to do. Okay, like there is there is rules. This is what you have to follow, and this is what you have to do. And there's also a good thing to do. Okay, and what I mean by that is most of the time you see Jesus do anything, I mean it is the right and the good thing. But there's multiple times that he gets in trouble from everybody around him being like, hey, why why is this person working on the Sabbath? Well, I'm doing the good thing, not the right thing. The right thing was I wasn't supposed to help him, but the good thing was I needed to help him. And trying to instill that into, I remember, you know, walking through our kids of you know how to deal with things on the playground, you know, and hey, yeah, so we you we're not gonna start a fight, you know, we're not gonna handle this, but if you need to, you know, the same, hey, if you gotta finish a fight, boy, you better finish it, you know, like, and you better make sure it is finished, right? Like it wasn't even so much that it was, hey, if you see somebody else getting picked on, you go help them and you go finish that fight for that person. They they weren't picking on you. You go stand up for the whoever that is, and and you know, there was a situation on the playground, and I think it was like fifth grade, I can't remember what it was. Anyway, one of his friends got a basketball thrown in their face on purpose, and then Finn went over there to go defend his friend, okay? And Finn got in trouble. Okay, he were explained to him in the car about you, you're, you know, you there's an earthly repercussion to everything that you did. You have to be okay with that. Hey, there's earthly repercussion for standing up at work when hey, the right thing was to keep your mouth shut. The good thing was not. The good thing was to do something different. And there's an earthly repercussion for the choices that you make, and you have to be okay with that. And I think that's where the Lord steps in and this rules-based theology, you know, versus grace-based theology, you know, like I just think there's a huge world of that, especially probably in schools, you know, trying to teach that culture of the right thing versus the good thing and the difference between that. You know, I don't know if in some speaking, I mean, I think you were the one that suspended my kid. No, I'm just kidding. I think you were the one that turned actually most of the tea in that situation, actually every teacher saw it happen and then turned around like they didn't see it. Okay, because that kid needed his face beat in. Anyway. And anyway, and then next thing you know, then the kid's telling on him, so then he's in trouble. And so anyway, but that's okay.

SPEAKER_04 17:02

I've I've watched our daughter who by nature, when she was young, was very much a rule follower. She would the only time she ever got in trouble was when she would lose her mind in kindergarten when everyone else wasn't following the rules. But what I've watched, she's 23 now, and what I've watched is now she will tell you that she follows the rules when they make sense. So I'm well, that is gonna get her in trouble. Exactly. Exactly. But, you know, the the spiritual side of that is, you know, she can apply logic and the relationship and the grace and the why behind it and not just the rule. Um and I think that's just the maturity.

SPEAKER_02 17:41

Maybe everybody kind of speaking to this when we kind of close out, but obviously if you if you've Colossians is about a group of people who are being encouraged right now, even though their city has kind of been decimated and they've they're they're trying to rebuild, but nothing has been rebuilt. And and it's just a slow process, and a lot of people have come in with false gospels, false, you know, uh accusations, false teachings, and there is a group of people who are trying to encourage the church, the church that has following the gospel of Jesus Christ. And this is kind of how he ends. Uh it says, These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion to the body, they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh. And so it kind of ends with just talking about hey, there's gonna be things that are out there that are gonna look like they are of value, but it leads you empty. And I mean, we could all probably speak into things that like you spent so much energy and time and work, and it meant nothing. You know, and I think that's probably a a fear of mine is like I'm gonna work really hard at something that doesn't mean anything. I'm gonna spend a lot of energy, time, and effort into something that has no value at all. And you almost have to have people speak into you about that because you're not gonna see it. You're just gonna be working hard. You're just gonna be on the grind, and next thing you know, you realize I've worked really hard for something that means nothing. You know, how do you how do you how do you create a maybe a a lens to view that through, or maybe even to a barrier for a maybe a a kid or a spouse to say, hey, this is a line right here that like you know you're working really hard for something, and that's good, but it doesn't mean anything compared to the gospel. It doesn't mean anything compared to our our family and our walk with the Lord.

SPEAKER_03 19:35

Well, I I know, I mean, for for me personally, I think if you if you've ever if you've ever lost a job, and I remember, you know, there's some dates that you just you just remember uh November 13th, 2009, I was terminated from the job and it it hit me hard. Yeah. And you know, I had nothing to show for it. I worked, I worked all these years, I worked, I worked hard, I told myself I was providing for the family, which I was, nothing wrong with that. But I was sacrificing family time for what I was doing at work. Because it was all it was all about work, it was very rewarding. But at the end, I had nothing to show for it except a broken family. And I learned there, you know, God just worked in me more than he ever had before. And it's not because he wasn't trying to, but it's because I finally, I never get I never gave him time to. And so for me, as a father, as a husband, just rebalancing priorities, just understanding and seeing what's what's important. Uh I wasn't there for for my wife, for my for my kids. I'm not saying it was just horrible, but it really hit me hard. And it really changed my my focus, my perspective from from there on. I'm not saying I've got it all figured out. I I don't, in spite of what Alison says. I'm not the perfect husband.

SPEAKER_02 20:55

You know, I'm not the most romantic guy in the world. But uh, how isn't there anything you like to say?

SPEAKER_03 21:03

She she she tends to put me up on the pedestal, you know. Just uh it's it's hard. It's hard. But uh Proverbs 31 woman, whatever that is, that's what I'm yeah. I think Pastor Kevin talked about humility in this one. Um But yeah, I I I I learned there what's important, and it really changed the way it became a husband, became a father to my two two girls, and just what I wanted to instill in them. Because if you go back to verse five, I I love verse five where Paul is uh Paul says, for though I'm absent for you in body, I'm present with I'm present with you in spirit. You know, I think as parents, I mean, that's our goal, that's our desire for our kids. For when they leave home, and we have one that's I mean, she's already left home. It's our desire that the things that we instilled in her, the, the, the, the, the wisdom that we poured in, the love that we poured in, that that's with her in spirit. We're with her in spirit. Yeah. And as she builds her own life, that's that's instilled. I I love that about Paul, and that just hit me as a as a father, right? That's that's my desire for for my for my kids.