Dating - part 1

This is the first in a series of podcasts on dating. We’re starting with some foundational questions about dating, determining whether you’re ready for dating, and discerning what you’re looking for through dating. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Couples and Connections, a conversation with clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Post. We're covering a wide range of mental health topics relating to couples, families, singles, and relationships. I'm health journalist Teresa Sullivan Barger. Hello, Cindy. Hello, Teresa. Today we are going to be talking about dating. This is the first in a series of podcasts on dating, and we'll we'll start today with some fundamental foundational questions. I want to ask, just to begin, what are some of the things that are important to consider if you're going to consider dating?

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Well, I think one of the first things that's very important to keep in mind is first about yourself. What is your mental state when you're considering embarking on dating? What's making you want to date? Are you newly out of another relationship? Do you have much dating experience? What is it that's calling you to say, I think I really want to date now? How old are you? Are you 20? Are you 30? Are you 40? All these things matter. Are you wanting children? Is that the reason for wanting to date? Because you want to find a partner and get married? Or do you just want some companionship? Knowing where you are and what you want is important, but also knowing whether you're ready for partnership. I think you've heard me say this before. Self-regulation trumps intimacy. So if you're not in a good place, maybe you just lost your job, maybe you just ended a relationship. That is not the time to begin thinking about and dark embarking on dating. That's a good time to work on yourself. If you've answered the question, am I in a good place mentally to be open to another person? Then I say, great, go forward. But then you want to be thinking about who am I connecting with? Is this a person that likes what I like?

SPEAKER_00 1:53

So how let's go back for a second. How do you know when you're ready to date? And how do you know when maybe you need to deal with some of your own stuff before you're ready to date?

SPEAKER_01 2:04

Well, I think that the way you know is you're noticing maybe your mood is down. Maybe you're feeling quite isolated. Maybe you're not managing your life very well. Some of what I'm talking about could be some depression or some anxiety. Maybe you're not just feeling that confident about yourself. These would be some times that you might, instead of seeking dating or companionship to lift your spirits, seeking another person to help you feel better. You want to help yourself feel better. Okay. You want to fill your own cup, you want to make yourself feel better. And that puts you in a much better position to be able to pick a better partner.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Okay. So could you give some specifics on what are some of the indicators that you are ready to date?

SPEAKER_01 2:50

You feel confident. You enjoy the company of others. You have a sense of who you are. You know what you like and what you don't like. You don't have trouble expressing opinions. You feel confident about yourself. You feel pretty happy all by yourself. You shouldn't be looking to another to fill your cup and make you feel whole. You want to plant your own garden. You don't want to be looking to someone to make you feel solid. That will never work, I promise.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

So then I stopped you because you you so now let's say someone feels confident and they kind of know who they are and they know where they're headed in terms of their life. And now they're thinking they're ready to date. Where do you start?

SPEAKER_01 3:34

In lots of different places. One thing I tell people is do what you love, and you're likely to make friends and connections with people that also enjoy the same kinds of things that you enjoy. So that's one way to meet people. You can also meet people through friends. So you can let your community of people, which I hope you have one, know that you're interested in dating and they can be thinking about who they might know. It's always great when you can meet people organically. Then, you know, a third way, there are a lot of dating apps and there are a lot of meetup groups, not to mention social groups of various sorts. So you like hiking, you join a hiking group. I've known people who found partners on these hobby sites.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

So you mentioned dating apps, and there's lots of um information about dating apps. Um, some people really hate them, but some people have met their partners that way. So, can do you have any advice for how to make use of dating apps to reach your goals? Whether your goals are looking for a relationship or your goals are just looking for someone to, you know, to have a casual relationship with?

SPEAKER_01 4:40

I would just say look carefully at the information on the site. But before you do that, be thinking about what you want for yourself. So, one of the best ways I think to get ready to date, ironically, is to fill out dating profile on an app. Because in a dating profile, they ask you a lot of questions about yourself. What do you like to do? What kind of relationship are you looking for? When were you in your last relationship? Do you want children? All these questions, some of which you may have thought of, some of which you might not have thought of. So you want to be thinking as much as you can about what do I want in picking someone? And then when you're picking, to make sure you're picking people that are have a pretty high likelihood of being someone that you might be able to connect with. So some people care about education as an example. Some people care just do you have a job? Some people care about where you live. Some dating sites are national dating sites. Maybe you really want someone to date here, or maybe you don't care and they're over in another country, I mean another another city or town, somewhere else, and you don't care that they're at a distance. I would say be careful about that because it makes it hard to organically date if people are further away.

SPEAKER_00 5:57

I hear from my children who are adults, young adults, that people aren't always honest on dating apps. It seems to me, as someone who's been married a long time, that you would want to be honest about who you are and what you're looking for. Otherwise, you wouldn't get, it seems like you wouldn't get the right match.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

Is that well, yes, you're right. But that said, some people aren't honest for all kinds of reasons. So I think the key is to be able to pick up the inconsistencies in your engagement with them to be able to know what's really going on as quickly as possible. I mean, there are people that have whole other lives that they're hiding. You know, maybe they're married, maybe they have children, and you don't want to be engaging with somebody who's got a whole nother story going on and you're just trying to get to know them. So there is some need to be careful on these dating apps. And I would also say when you go to the point of meeting someone in person to meet them, you want to go to a public place, and preferably a public place where maybe there's parking offered where they park your car and you have your car driven right up to the door so that you can get the car and leave, rather than feeling like you're walking into a dark parking lot by yourself at night for safety reasons, particularly for women, men too. And you know, let's not leave out lesbian couples, let's not leave out transgender couples when one or both partner are transgender, gay couples, and then let's not also leave out all different mixes of cultures. Do you care if you're the same ethnic background? Do you care if you're the same religion? Are you religious? Do you want a partner who will have a faith-based relationship with you? Do you care if if you're from the same cultural background? Are you do you care if you're the same race? All these questions need to be answered. And do you want to live with the person ultimately? What is your ultimate goal? The more you know about this, the better.

SPEAKER_00 7:56

Okay. You're listening to Couples in Connections with clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Post. I'm Teresa Sullivan Barger. Cindy, is physical attraction essential from the start?

SPEAKER_01 8:09

I think that it can be an important and helpful ingredient in a relationship, always. I think it is a necessary ingredient in a relationship. How people arrive at attraction can vary, though. Some people just have this magnetized feeling toward this person. That can go both ways. That can be a problem because you miss other parts of them besides their physical appearance. And then also, if you downplay the need for physical attraction, but this person is really like your soulmate and you're really emotionally connected, but you have no real physical attraction, over time the physical relationship, if it wasn't that great to begin with, might wane even more.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

But aren't there people who maybe start off as friends and they eventually develop feelings for each other? I mean, there's movies like lots of movies. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 8:59

You definitely can develop feelings for someone over time by getting to know them. And that can be a really nice way. So I'm not a big proponent that you have to have magnetism, but it would be good if you had some kind of chemistry.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

When you're dating, I would imagine, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, that it's good to know what you're looking for. Like it's good to be clear that either you're looking for casual dating or you're looking for a commitment or a long-term relationship. What do you hear from your clients about whether they're honest with themselves and then honest with the people they're dating about what they're looking for?

SPEAKER_01 9:36

I think that when people aren't honest, it's not necessarily that they are liars, it's that they're not clear. And I would say the more that you go into a dating situation, being as clear as possible, that's great. But let's also be clear about being clear. And what I want to say here is a 20-something is not going to be as clear as a 30-something or a 40-something. Are you going into dating as a brand new single person or are you going into dating having had many relationships, lived with a few people, maybe even been married once or something? Do you already have your own children? What is your situation? So you want to be realistic with yourself about what should I expect from myself at the age that I'm at? And dating can also be a really nice way to learn about yourself. So I often encourage people, if you are new to dating, to give yourself a chance to casually, lightly go out for some coffees with people, coffee, tea, whatever your preference. But just you don't have to spend a long time. You just sit and you enjoy a cup of tea with someone in a safe place in public, and you just get a feeling, am I enjoying the company of this person? And if you don't know much about yourself in a social realm, this is a great way to get acquainted with what does it feel like to be in the company of this person? Do I even like them enough to want to see them again?

SPEAKER_00 11:01

Mm-hmm. And if you you you date someone a couple of times and you you seem to like them, at what point should you if like let's say I'm thinking you're looking for a long-term relationship? You're a person, whether you're a man or a woman, you're, you know, you're at the age where you're ready for that. But you're afraid if you say that to someone you've just started dating, that they'll scare them off. So how do you let let your feelings be your um expectations be known so that you don't like waste two years of your life dating someone who has never wants to get married?

SPEAKER_01 11:37

Well, the way I would say it is, you know, I'm new to dating or I haven't been out dating in a while, whatever you want to say. And I'm I take things really slowly. And I will be asking some questions because I want to know if we're on the same page. Now, if you've read their dating app, then you'll know something about that. And if you're meeting them through a friend, maybe you'll know something through your friend or something like that. But if you know something, that's always helpful. It's one screening device, it's obviously not all the screening devices.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

Do you ever have clients who you who've been dating with someone, someone a long time, and they discover after they've fallen in love that that person maybe didn't want kids and the person they're in love with does, and they they're at an impasse?

SPEAKER_01 12:22

Oh, I see these things happen all the time. I'm amazed at the things people don't talk about, like trying to find a way to learn about each other's values. How do you spend your time? What do you care about? What's your political feeling? Do you want children? All these kinds of things speak to who you are, learning about each other's backgrounds. These are all really important things.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

What are your thoughts about when to bring you know intimacy or a sexual sexual relationship into the dating situation?

SPEAKER_01 12:54

Well, I guess the way I think about it is at the beginning, I think it's better not to include sex because once you include sex, then you find yourself in a relationship where sex is now a part of the relationship and it doesn't allow you to get to know the person as well. Sex becomes a centerpiece of the relationship. Not all of it, but a part of it. And so I think it's better when people bring sex into it that they really know what they're in for, whether they're in for a long-term, you know, companionable relationship that sex with, you know, relationship with benefits, that they have a sexual relationship too, but that it's a light relationship, that's an okay choice as long as you're both clear on that. That also might include that people are dating other people. So you really want to know what you're doing. And of course, safe sex is very important.

SPEAKER_00 13:45

So, can you talk a little bit about what are the basic conversations people should have?

SPEAKER_01 13:50

So, I guess I would say I wouldn't wait for that awkward moment where someone's making a move. I would say, if you're going to be intimate, be clear about what it means. I think many people do get their feelings hurt when they think that this thing means that you're really moving forward with something, and there can be a lot of misunderstanding there. So if you know you're a person that could get your feelings hurt by this, then I would say probably better to go slow and wait on having sex until you feel safer. It always seems odd to me that people are having sex with people they don't even know. I think it's a safer emotional thing, forget about the physical, to know the person and have a sense that you have some idea of wanting something similar. And that's going to make it a much nicer experience for both of you.

SPEAKER_00 14:41

Are there some basic conversations people should be having if they are looking to not to looking for a life partner? They're looking for marriage or commitment or something. They don't want, they're they're not interested in casual dating.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

So I think these questions about where are you in your life? When was your last relationship? Do you want children? You know, what do you do for work? And you can get a sense of what is someone like? Do they have the same interests as you? Do you like doing the same things? Do you have similar educational backgrounds? What are your family stories like? Are they similar? Are they different? The more that you share, the more that you share. And if you come from very different places, it's not that you can't have a relationship, but it might be harder. A lot of people are drawn to someone very different from them, and that can be great. But as time goes on, these things can have their own challenges because it makes it harder to relate to the person when you come from a very different background.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

Are you saying you don't just come out and say, I'm looking for a I'm looking for a serious relationship? You don't say that right off the bat. You get to know the person first.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

Sometimes it's even there on a dating app. And depending on how old you are, you might want to say it right away. You might want to say, you know, I'm really looking for a partner. Is that what you're looking for? Or are you just not so sure? I don't think you want to maybe say it immediately. You might want to, if you're into now the second, third, fourth date, you might want to say, hey, I want to be clear about something. I'm not in this for just casual dating. I'm enjoying your company a lot, but I'm really looking for something more. And I just wanted to know where are you with dating? What are your hopes, hopes, and expectations so that you get clear on things and people aren't having very different ideas about what they want.

SPEAKER_00 16:31

Yeah, that's helpful. I think that's good for this episode. Next time, we'll be getting into some specifics on how to pick well, how to manage dating relationships, and how to progress from the initial stages of dating to something more. You've been listening to Couples and Connections, conversations with clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Post. I'm health journalist Teresa Sullivan Barger. For more information, visit CynthiaPostPhD.com. That's CynthiaPostph.com. Listen for new episodes on Fridays, and please tell your friends and family about couples and connections.