Dating - part 2

What do you need to know before you start dating? And once you do, what are the red and green flags to look for in a potential partner? In this second part of the dating episode, licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Post answers those questions and explores how to navigate the difference between deal-breakers and compromises. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Couples and Connections, a conversation with clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Post. I'm health journalist Teresa Sullivan Barger. Hi, Cindy. Hi, Teresa. So today we're talking about dating, part two. Last time we just kind of like talked in general terms. Today we'll get into a few more details. So, right off the bat, I thought maybe you could talk about how do you know whether you're looking for a casual relationship or you're looking for a committed relationship?

SPEAKER_01 0:26

Great question. So let's start with the basics knowing thyself. Do you even know what you want? It's much harder to find what you want when you don't know what you want. If you don't know, where do you go to find that out? Well, you want to start with yourself and you want to give yourself opportunities to get clearer. One avenue could be reading a book, a self-help book. Another avenue could be going to therapy. And I always like the good standby one of go ahead and do some journaling, free writing, pen to paper. Just let yourself say whatever comes to your mind. Give yourself maybe 20 minutes. Unstructured writing time can be a great way to see what's happening and do it every day for a while. And then look back and see what you discover. Another avenue read fiction. Fiction is a great way to learn about yourself, ironically, because fiction talks about the complicated nature of being, being human. And then you can relate or not relate to certain characters. You think to yourself, What do I think about this? Do I agree with this? Or what did I think about that character? Or how do I feel about that book? Why did I or didn't I like that book?

SPEAKER_00 1:35

Yeah, I have learned so much about people and about relationships, not just my, you know, spouse relationship, but just relationships in general, just by reading fiction. That's why I like fiction so much. You just understand how messy it is to be human. Cindy, some people might think they could take a survey to figure out who they are. What are your thoughts on the value of surveys, online surveys?

SPEAKER_01 1:58

I guess I'm not a big fan. And the reason is that some surveys are really good and some surveys are not so good. And people walk away from these surveys, sometimes feeling really bad about themselves. At the very worst, they are misinformed and they don't even know. I think it's far simpler. Do some basic things to get to know yourself. Take a walk, read the news, do some journaling, listen to what the person inside is telling you. If you listen, there's something to be heard.

SPEAKER_00 2:27

So we talked about people who don't know themselves. Now, what about the people who do know themselves and they know what they're looking for? What would you advise them in terms of how do you know to trust your feelings? If you're, you know, you're with someone and you think this person seems okay.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

When you're with them, do you feel relaxed? Do you feel comfortable? I mean, I remember hearing about one young woman who said he seemed like the nicest guy, but I was always anxious when I was with him. I was always anxious. I could never relax. So it doesn't matter what a nice guy he is if you're always anxious. That would not be somebody that you should probably continue to spend time with for a very long time. So it's it's do you feel like you can be yourself, be your authentic self? Exactly. If you feel that you can be your authentic self with this person, that's huge. That's really important.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

So let's say you're an anxious person or you're, you know, a shy person and you don't know whether when you're with someone, you're there's something that's off, or it's just your general nerves because you get anxious with someone you don't know that well. How do you know the difference?

SPEAKER_01 3:33

I guess the way that I would put it is if you've seen this person a few times, like you know, three to five times, and you're not relaxing anymore, you're not relaxing into yourself, the conversation is not deepening, you're not kind of lightening up and laughing and enjoying the other person, and you you may not even be looking forward to seeing them. You you have a fair bit of information here. You're not you're not settling into feeling comfortable, and that matters.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

And then what if you think you really like this person? How do you know the difference between this is just maybe infatuation or attraction versus this is potentially something that could turn into a lasting commitment?

SPEAKER_01 4:15

First of all, I'm not over here with a you know special berry dust about that. How do you know? You know, but but the way that I guess I would put it is like you'll be getting signals from that person. You'll be putting signals out toward that person. Is there kind of a banter developing? Is there kind of a shared feeling of we want to spend more time together? Are you picking up the pace of how often you're seeing each other? Is it something you're really excited about and looking forward to? Both people seem to be saying, wow, this is really nice. And that there's kind of an open, easy way that that's happening. These are some of the ways that you would know. How do you know what your own timeline is? If you've been out there dating a while and you meet the right person, it's not that confusing. You've already done your vetting, you've already met some people, you already kind of know the kind of person you like, the kind of person you don't like, and that right person walks in the room and you see them for who they are. You enjoy them really pretty quickly, and it's not confusing. Now you do need to solve for certain issues. You want to make sure that pressure to get married isn't clouding your vision. You want to make sure that your infatuation isn't blinding you from seeing this person for who they really are. So you do want to give yourself an abundance of time. You want to make sure that if you're making a decision to only date one person exclusively, that you're really confident before you do that. Because if you get in too quickly to an exclusive relationship and you're really and you made a wrong decision, now you have to back out of it. And that becomes a whole thing to do that's really difficult.

SPEAKER_00 5:53

This is where love bombing could come in. Could you describe what that is and and what to watch out for?

SPEAKER_01 5:58

When I'm talking about love bombing, I'm talking about some people refer to it as full court press. Like somebody comes all the way down the court. I'm thinking of a basketball court, they're coming right up to you and they're telling you how incredible you are and how much they just think the world of you and they're complimenting you, and they're like seem to be so happy to see you, and they're so enthusiastic, and they're just ringing your phone off the hook. Who doesn't want to hear all that stuff? But but be smart because some people, that's all it is. Those are words, and they don't mean it, and it doesn't hold. And pretty quickly, once they've got you, they're not so interested. And they kick you to the curb and they're on to the next person because their goal is to achieve success in getting people to like them. They're more concerned about being liked than they are about actually connecting. You can tell that you're being love-bombed because it's really intense, and it feels like more than the person should be saying to you, given how long they've known you. Like when someone tells you what an incredible person you are and it's dawning on you, how would they know? Because they've only known me a week or two.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

And they're so blown away by you. So that's sort of one indicator. And then if you give it a little time, like you see how they're behaving, and you make a note to self this is happening, and you let yourself just continue to spend time with them. Does it continue or does it go away? Does it feel authentic as they know you more? Was it kind of a nervous tick that they were getting excited and they were maybe saying more than was true? Or are they just putting words there?

SPEAKER_00 7:37

Well, and then I think there are people who uh speaking from past experience, they they once they they get you, then they want to control you.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

I think that if you let yourself just kind of move slowly and don't let anybody push you, then you'll begin to see if this is naturally going in a good direction or not. You'll be able to tell if this is moving in a healthy way. Because you're gonna be saying things like, Oh, you know, tonight doesn't work. Keep it slow, keep it steady. Pace yourself. If it's if it's real, it will last. And they'll respect you for saying, you know, it was great to see you, but honestly, we spent a lot of time together this week. And I'd I'd love to plan to see you in a couple days. I have some other things I need to do, and and you're not playing hard to get, you're reconnecting with yourself and making sure you're not getting swept out to see by all the rumblings of what you hope is real love, but it might just be infatuation and some blindness to being love bombed. So you really want to give yourself space so that doesn't happen.

SPEAKER_00 8:42

So you're just describing how looking at how this person is responding to you setting boundaries and having your own life.

SPEAKER_01 8:49

Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. When you set a boundary, are they respectful?

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Right, right. And I'm just thinking, I I don't know how long into a relationship before someone like has a fight, but do you also like when there's a conflict, do you also look at how you each handle the conflict and whether there are red flags in that situation?

SPEAKER_01 9:11

Well, fighting is a necessary and important part of a partnership. And it doesn't mean you have a bad partnership if you fight. And that's when the relationship is getting a bit more real, when you actually can say, Hey, what happened there? I thought we were meeting at four. You I didn't hear from you, and I was waiting for you, and I that was really frustrating for me. I organized my time around it, and that it's not like you know, you just set off a bomb in the room and there's something terrible that happened simply because you raised a concern and that they can hear you and that they want to understand you. There's an interest and a willingness to get back together and talk about it.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

Okay, so what's a healthy response when when you thought the person you were going to meet the person at four and they weren't there?

SPEAKER_01 9:55

I would say that a healthy response is, oh wow, I'm so glad you told me. I'm yeah, I you're you're absolutely right. I see your point of view, and there's no defensiveness. Now that doesn't always happen, and they might feel attacked. So making room for the person, hey, what can you tell me what happened today? That was kind of hard for me. So you own your own feelings, eye messages are really helpful. I wasn't that comfortable with our planning for getting together tonight, and I wanted to talk about it. Can we talk about that for a minute? And that when you start having normal conversations with people about these parts of life, which you hope you can do because that's part of being honest and open, which of course you want in your partnership, then you get a response that feels good. And the person is thanking you for talking to them. And now you might be thinking, well, that's pretty crazy because nobody talks that way.

SPEAKER_00 10:45

We don't always use I statements, and we don't all some of us get defensive even when we don't mean to.

SPEAKER_01 10:51

Absolutely. You're absolutely right about that. All that happens, and when it does, just say, wow, I don't love the way I'm showing up in this conversation. Can I take a break? I think I'm feeling a little flooded, and I just need to go have a glass of water and I'll come back in a few minutes and talk to you. But right now, this isn't going well. There's rupture in relationships and repair, then you want to feel like the other person is available to listen and also that you're available to listen to them, that there's some emotional intelligence. This is a very important criteria. And having criteria for what you want is going to be a much better roadmap to getting what you want.

SPEAKER_00 11:26

You're listening to Couples in Connections with clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Post. I'm Teresa Sullivan Barger. So, Cindy, we were talking about what to do when there's a conflict, because that conflicts will always happen. In your experience as a therapist, what are some of the most common points of conflict in relationships? Is it money? Is it the way people communicate with each other? Is it the way people want to spend their free time?

SPEAKER_01 11:51

I think all of those things. I think, you know, I think of the three legs of the stool of a relationship. You know, we've got being companionable, having, you know, emotional and physical intimacy, and then the work of life. Those are kind of the three legs of a stool. And it doesn't much matter what it is you think, as long as you both think the same thing. You know, like some people don't really care about a home and stability of money. They just want to enjoy the arts. That's fine as long as you both feel that way.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

So, Cindy, how do you distinguish between puppy love and a love that will last for a lifetime? What would you say are examples of things that people would mistake for love that are not true love?

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Well, if you look at that person and they've got some of the bells and whistles, you know, they've got a good job and they're reasonably attractive and they're reaching out to you. So that feels good that someone's picking you. That's all great. But what does it actually feel like when you're with them? Is it a good thing? And am I interviewing them too? Or am I just so happy to be liked? That to me is one of the worst examples. People say, Well, he really liked me. And I was thinking, I bet a lot of people really like you. I hope you did you like, but did you like him? Do you like that person and prove it to me? What what do they do that makes you like them? And if the answer isn't really clear, we may not know yet. And it's okay to take your time in figuring that out.

SPEAKER_00 13:22

No, do you ever have cases where people have the emotional connection, but all the practical things don't add up? Like one person wants to have financial stability, and the person they've they've fallen for isn't doesn't care about, you know, making much money and doesn't care about whether they ever own a home or, you know, they're they're they're mismatched in terms of what would give them comfort.

SPEAKER_01 13:48

Yeah, I think those things happen. And I don't think that those things have to be deal breakers. People are not going to match on everything. It's nice when you're the same, but sometimes we also help each other with our weaknesses. So one person is super organized, the other person is super disorganized, one person is really thrifty, the other person is maybe more of a spendthrift. And so if there's an understanding between you, there's a lot you can work out on all these issues. The differences aren't the issue. The issue is do you understand that there are these differences? Do you regard both positions? And is there an appreciation and a sensibility that you want to work together to come to a place of being a joined couple that shares a framework?

SPEAKER_00 14:34

So, Cindy, just to recap, what would you say are the three most important things to keep in mind when you're entering a relationship?

SPEAKER_01 14:43

So the first one, and most important really, for everything, is how well do you know yourself? One of the ways you get to know yourself is engaging with other people and asking yourself some regular questions in the form of journaling, potentially, in the form of reading fiction, reading the news, asking yourself to respond to things around you and people around you. Number two is do you like this person, or are you falling into just being chosen out of poor self-esteem? There are plenty of people out there who don't feel nearly nearly as good about themselves as they deserve to feel. And so when they're getting a lot of positive feedback, they're not reading it through the lens of how they feel about it. They're just so happy to be picked. And my thought about that is that it's important for both people to be picking. So if you know who you are and your self-esteem is enough that you are giving yourself the chance to pick, number three is what is the criteria for a healthy relationship? What are the things that are really important to you? Some of them could be practical things like education, socioeconomic status, whether you want to have children, all these kinds of things. And then there are some things that are less easy to pin down necessarily. It's more of a sense about something, just a feeling, just an ease that you might feel in the presence of this other person.

SPEAKER_00 16:04

Okay. Well, thank you, Cindy. I really enjoyed this conversation. And it's interesting, even though I've been married a really long time, I did learn some things. So thanks.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

Thank you, Teresa. It's I I always like having you ask these questions because it really gives me a chance to think carefully about what's the most important thing that people really do need to understand. Because I really do think that if people are thinking carefully about what they want and who they are, they really can make such better choices and such a much better roadmap for themselves.

SPEAKER_00 16:36

This has been Couples and Connections, a conversation with clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Post. I'm health journalist Teresa Sullivan Barger. There are new episodes that come out every Friday, and it would be lovely if you told your friends and family about us.