Stepfamilies

In this episode, licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Post discusses when and how to introduce your significant other to your children and when and how to introduce your significant other’s children to your children. She addresses how to preserve your relationship with your children and how to set realistic expectations for a blended family when the time comes. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Couples and Connections, a conversation with me, Dr. Cynthia Post, a licensed clinical psychologist. And me, Teresa Sullivan Barger, a health journalist. We cover all things relationships conflict, loss, success, betrayal, change, you name it, we'll dive into it. So let's dive in. So today we're going to be talking about step families, and we're going to be talking about a few different things. When and how to introduce both the parent level as well as the children from both families to each other. We're going to talk about what are realistic expectations and we're going to talk about rules of engagement.

SPEAKER_01 0:40

With such a high number of couples getting divorced and a significant percentage of step families out there, Cindy, could you talk about what conditions should exist before people even consider introducing their significant other to their children?

SPEAKER_00 0:54

It's a very important question because a lot of people who are excited about being in a partnership want to bring their children right in. But the truth of it is, in order to bring your children into the mix, the couple needs to be clear as a partnership that they have a long-term plan to be together, whether they choose to marry or live together or not, or even if they don't choose to live together, that they are planning to be an ongoing permanent partnership. And therefore their children will be part of that circle of a family. Once they are both clear that that's what they want, they feel a commitment to one another, that would be the time. That could be a short time or a long time. I recommend that people try to be together four seasons before they make such a decision. I think having a little more time is a way to have a little bit more of an insurance policy about bringing vulnerable children in. And I think a little more time gives them that space and clarity. You want them to feel that you really have thought about this carefully, that it's a really important relationship that's very special to you, and that you're clear on what you want to do moving forward. And that is why you're sharing this person. At the beginning, it's a very light, casual, and relatively short meeting. I wouldn't want it to be like they're coming over for dinner. That feels too involved. We're not ready to be that involved yet. We're ready to meet at an ice cream, a local, comfortable place. We all like to go after dinner for ice cream. You want to join us? And it's super casual, no big deal. We're just meeting for a half an hour.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

And I imagine at first the children should meet just the adult. And then once they've gotten comfortable with the adult, then maybe if that adult has children, they meet them at another point.

SPEAKER_00 2:40

Yes, definitely. You would want the parents to be meeting the stepchild first. And then later you would be including the children as part of it. And this has obviously got to be a gradual process. So it should happen over months, maybe even like a year or two, because there are a lot of people involved. And it may take them time to come to a place of acceptance. Like the ice cream example, you do an activity together. You do something fun, something light. Maybe you have a barbecue outside, or maybe we're gonna go do mini golf after dinner, or you want to join us. Something that's like fun and light, and the kids kind of have a chance to be together.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

So step families are really common. One of the many things people might think is rules of typical family may apply to step families. Is that the case? Or are the rules of engagement with stepfamilies different?

SPEAKER_00 3:29

I think they're very different, actually. And one of the ways I think they're different is that the notion of connection cannot be assumed in these relationships. So we can hope for mutual respect, civility. We can't assume that anybody is going to necessarily like each other or that they're going to want to spend time together. That is something that is earned over time. These are people that don't know each other. The two parents are the ones that picked each other, and the kids are just along for the ride, and they have to accept this person in some fashion because they're there in their lives now. They've just been put in their lives.

SPEAKER_01 4:12

What are some things that parents can do throughout this entire process so that the children still know that their parent loves them, that they're they're still going to have a role in their parents' life, that they're not going to get pushed aside because of this new love interest?

SPEAKER_00 4:28

I would say it's a lot less about words and a lot more about action. So from the beginning all the way through, if the parent is in the habit of going to soccer practice or a soccer game, well, by God, they're still going. And if the family is used to going on their own family trip, they're still going to take their family trip. And I recommend that continue on, that those families still have their special moments with their kids, that you spend time with your kids, that if you were in the habit of taking them on trips, that you probably have your own special trips from the beginning and that that continues on. And that kids always know that their parents are still there in the same familiar, predictable ways that they've always been there, that that doesn't change. The adults are the ones who are setting the frame.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

What are the expectations for the children in this blended family?

SPEAKER_00 5:20

So, what I would say is that children need to be at the least respectful, that they treat everybody in the picture with respect and that they're civil. That's the level that is reasonable to expect of children who are brought into a story that was not of their choosing. What is an unrealistic expectation? That we're going to be one big happy family, we're going to do everything together, you're going to take on our traditions, we're going to take on your traditions. When we have large family gatherings, everybody's going to go. No, that's not how it's going to be. And if you push your children to do that, they are much less likely to get with the program that you're trying to develop. If they feel like there's room for them to make their choice to join this family, they're going to feel much more comfortable with it.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

So there's a teenager in the family who doesn't want to go to an event. But what if it's a little kid who doesn't want to go to something? Would you just, what would you, how would you handle that?

SPEAKER_00 6:25

I think that these situations are a little more challenging. Obviously, with the teenager, it's easier because they can be home alone. There may be times when the the parent of that child unfortunately isn't able to go. There may be times when they just have to beg off and say, you know, I I guess we're not we're not quite ready for this yet.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

And then how do the adults address their new relationship with their stepchildren?

SPEAKER_00 6:55

So in my view, there are only two channels that you use with kids, stepkids. It doesn't hurt to use it with your own kids too, sometimes. And the two channels are neutral or warm. If you can do it, that's the best. So if they don't seem particularly enamored of you, that's okay. But you're not going to be gushy and warm and overflowing with enthusiasm and asking them a bunch of questions. Because if you were doing that, you wouldn't be very attuned to them. And by attuned, I mean you're reading the room, you're looking at their face. Do they look happy to see you? If not, maybe you're a little low-key. Maybe you just say, oh, hello. You know, nice to nice to meet you, or you might ask them a question or two, but you kind of let them check you out, and you're just kind of quiet and respectful. If they're friendly or they're curious about you, you can offer a little bit of information and you can ask about them or show interest in their lives as well. Again, please let's all remember these kids are being brought into something and it is not their choice. And so if you can be respectful, that if they're civil and they're respectful, then they're doing their job and they should be lauded and appreciated for that. That's all you can really ask of them.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

Cindy, if there's one thing you want people to take away from this episode on stepfamilies, what would you want it to be?

SPEAKER_00 8:19

That the parents who are really excited about each other need to be careful not to impose that expectation on their children. Because if they do, not only does it not give the children a chance to naturally come together and feel a sense of organic developing warmth and closeness, it may destroy that opportunity because they'll feel forced that it's not of their choosing. And people do need to feel that they too are getting to choose to be part of this new partnership. These are unfortunately, Teresa, situations that are more vulnerable to kids becoming estranged from their families, where they don't really want much contact, if any, with their parents. If they don't feel respected, when they become adults, they choose to really distance themselves. So this time when they're still at home is a very important time to treasure with your children and give them a feeling that they really are deeply regarded and loved. Regardless of what the parents are choosing to do, no matter what, the children are loved and that how they feel matters.

SPEAKER_01 9:29

Next week, we'll be talking about going no contact. So make sure to subscribe so you don't miss that episode.