In-Laws

In this episode, licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Post discusses in-law relationships – how to manage expectations, understand cultural and familial differences, and how to cope when boundaries are crossed. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

Today, we're going to talk about in-law relationships. It can be a wonderful and very deep and rich and meaningful relationship, or it can be a really challenging one. We're going to be talking about coping skills, boundaries, how to heal these relationships, how to communicate, how to deal with cultural differences, how to manage expectations. Resentment and hurt are from expectations that probably weren't realistic. So if we manage our boundaries well, we're going to do so much better in our engagement and in some of the stickier relationships that we often find ourselves in, like the in-law relationships. Welcome to Couples and Connections, a conversation with me, Dr. Cynthia Post, a licensed clinical psychologist, and me, Teresa Sullivan Varger, a health journalist. We cover all things relationships: conflict, loss, success, betrayal, change, you name it, we'll dive into it.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

So let's dive in. Okay, so in-laws. When a person is introducing their partner to their family, how do they set that relationship up for success from the beginning?

SPEAKER_01 1:12

So what comes to my mind first is information. The more that we can learn about others and what contributes to who they are and how they operate in the world, the better off we're gonna be in trying to find a way in to connect with them well. And that's the first step toward making a connection with another human. So maybe this is a family that they're really pretty insular. They rarely talk to people. Maybe this is a family that they don't like to be asked a lot of questions. Whatever the issues are with this family or how they do operate, the more you can learn at the front end from the child that is getting married because they know their spouse and something about their spouse's family. That just positions everybody so much better to have some initial nice interactions as you begin the slow process of trying to understand one another.

SPEAKER_00 2:09

Can you talk a little bit about making sure that everybody has clear expectations?

SPEAKER_01 2:15

So I would just say communicate, communicate, communicate. When the the new couple is visiting, how much time are they going to be able to spend with the family? In one family, maybe they spend a lot of time together. And the expectation by the older generation is we spend all our time together, but maybe in the other family, they never do that. All they do is have meals together. Those are two very different ways of being and engaging. Get nice and clear on what's going to be happening so that it's not something of nobody says anything, and then people misunderstand and misinterpret because there are no words explaining it.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

What do you do if the expectations aren't being met, or if people's feelings are hurt, or there's a misunderstanding?

SPEAKER_01 3:00

Plan on there being misunderstandings. Plan on there being moments that if you're not careful, you could get your feelings hurt. Assume that there's a lot you don't understand about these people. Of course, you don't understand. So I would just have a nice broad view of this other family and say, wow, there's a lot I don't understand. And I'm just going to keep my mind and heart open that just because something didn't feel good doesn't mean that there's a negative intention. There could be no negative intention. They might just have a very different way of doing things than you do things. And so when you process it or you understand what just happened, it doesn't feel right and if it hurts you. Don't just run with being hurt. Stop, take a minute. And I'm going to use a psychology phrase here to help people consider this. I want people to spend these moments doing more, what I would call mentalizing. And what I mean by mentalizing is that you're not all in the moment just reacting. You're standing aside from the moment and noticing it. And you're noticing that you're having these feelings and you're curious about them. And you're not assuming that all those feelings are absolutely the whole story. You're assuming that you have part of the story, but that there's a lot you probably don't understand about what makes up why people did or didn't do this or that, why they did or didn't say this or that. However, things unfolded that didn't feel right, there's probably a lot that's not understood. And it doesn't need to be misunderstood. We can just leave space that there's more to understand about these people. And we don't have to fill in with judgment or anger, certainly no direct confrontation. That's a time to just keep on floating down the river and get to know these people and look at the scenery and notice what's going on. So now I'm bringing in a little bit of mindfulness as well. So first I'm talking about mentalizing, which is not just having a reaction and reacting out of your feeling, but stepping aside from it, noticing your feelings, but you're not all in it just reacting. The mindfulness part is about just looking around you and noticing what do you see? What do you notice about these people? It's like if you're in another country, which you're in another country of this family. You're in the family, I'm gonna call them the Davises. You're meeting the Davises for the first time, and you're noticing, oh, the Davises, they don't seem to come down for breakfast. Oh, they don't seem to come down until later in the morning. They're not very talkative at the beginning. Whoever they are, you're not gonna, you're not gonna be concerned about it. You're just gonna notice what it is like to be with the Davises. You're not gonna put value judgments on it, you're not going to question them in a judgmental way. And if you're feeling judgmental, you're gonna be curious about what the vulnerable feelings are underneath because you don't want to be displaying any of that. Sometimes when people aren't familiar to us and comfortable with us, we can quickly move to a place of judgment. And we need to be very mindful of that when meeting new people, any new people, particularly our in-laws, because those are such important relationships.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

When I first met my husband's family, they did things differently. And I tried to be polite, but I wonder if just by trying to do things more like I was used to, that might have rubbed ruffled some feathers.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

I mean, I don't know. So don't stop being yourself, and you're not gonna morph yourself into being like them. You need to be able to be yourself. However, if yourself is a super exuberant, friendly, chatty person in the morning, and this person is looking at you blankly, giving you one-word syllable comments and blandly, you might be getting some feedback that going a little quieter might not be a bad idea. Read the room, notice the feedback you're getting from the other people, especially new people, and that that is a really great training device for yourself to read what other people are giving you in nonverbal and verbal feedback to let you know what is working and what isn't. You'll be able to tell when it's going well. They might be smiling at you, they might be, they might be asking you questions, they might be leaning in, their body language might be open. These are all things you want to be paying attention to with people that you're just meeting and getting to know. And for that matter, don't stop with just getting to know them. You can keep doing that even after you've gotten to know them. Those are just really important skills to have in your engagement with other people.

SPEAKER_00 7:38

So I have a new son-in-law, and you know, I love him and I want to talk to him and I want to hear about his life, but I don't want to overstep and I don't want to like overwhelm him. So I just, this is just my thing is I just say, if I'm asking too many questions, if I'm if I'm in your face too much, just tell me. But maybe that's not, maybe that puts the pressure on him.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

I think if you say that once, that's fine. You know, you can just own that you're, you know, look, I'm a journalist, I ask a million questions. If you don't stop me, I might just ask too many. So please know if I'm asking too many questions, or maybe you're just feeling kind of quiet on a particular day, you can just tell me, and I won't get my feelings hurt by that. I'll be glad to know.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

Let's talk about boundaries. You know, you said about being attuned to people's ways of doing things. It sounds like maybe respecting other people's boundaries and respecting how people do things. Can you just give maybe expand on that a little?

SPEAKER_01 8:36

So, some of this is about the attunement of understanding what they're needing. That there's how you set your boundaries with yourself and how you make sure you don't tread on other people's boundaries. So, for instance, some people don't like to talk about their personal stuff. Other people do. You know, I have an occupational hazard, I'm a psychologist. So when I'm talking to people, it's easy for me to slide into talking about more personal things. You know what? Not everybody wants to do that. And so if you're just getting to know people, you want to be aware that they may not like that and they may not even feel comfortable telling you that they don't like that. So that's where you have to be more attuned to them. Um, so this goes from what you talk about, how much time you spend with them. All of these are part of setting boundaries. Now, as the other family, if you're the parents of the family that's getting a new in-law, how you plan for holidays, how you plan for time together, how you let them know what you would like is all very important.

SPEAKER_00 9:47

You kind of covered it from the perspective of the the older parents of an adult child. What about the the child, the young adult who's bringing us a partner into the family? How do they let their family know when we come to visit, we are not going to spend every moment with you. We're going to spend time alone together. You know, how do they can you talk about that side of the coin?

SPEAKER_01 10:09

You just did a brilliant job, Teresa. When we come home, just want to be clear about what we're going to be doing. We're going to be there four days, you know. So we have a few friends in town we're probably going to want to see. And um, you know, we tend to like to sleep in. So we you probably won't see us until like 10 or 11. Here are the days that we're going to have some more time available to spend with you. So if you can be nice and clear with your family, who's kind of hoping and waiting and wondering and putting their time on hold, that would be a very respectful, kind thing to do. It's when people don't communicate clearly that the problems happen. So the kids come home, the parents are waiting, they're pacing about, wondering what's going on. They have no idea when they're going to be with their kids or not. Nobody's saying anything because everybody feels uncomfortable. That's what we don't want. So it's best when the people themselves just come right out with, we're so looking forward to seeing you. We're going to be with you four days. I know on the first day that we get there, we do have some plans to do X, Y, Z in the morning, and we'll definitely be around in the late afternoon and evening. Does that work? But also what works for you? Because we want to hear what works for you. Asking other people what worked for them is always a good idea. You don't want to just share what you need. You also want to make sure you're relational in the way you're engaging with others. By relational, I mean that you have a relationship with other people. It's not all about you, it's not all about them. So in previous generations, it used to be when kids came home with their partner, they just had to get subsumed into what was already there, and you just had to get with the program of whatever was happening. That isn't the way the younger generations are rolling now. Now people are more happy to tell people what they need and what they want. And that's a really much healthier way to go, as long as it goes both ways. So, what will we all like to do? What are some times we can get together? That might be a parent comment. That could be the younger generation comment. It doesn't really matter who says it, as long as people can stay in conversation and think together about what works.

SPEAKER_00 12:21

So, Cindy, what happens when either party feels their the boundaries are being crossed and their boundaries aren't being respected?

SPEAKER_01 12:29

Understanding what you're feeling would be the first step. Then understanding what you need and want to change would be the second step. Then the third step would be approaching the appropriate person in the very best way to have the best outcome. I would recommend a face-to-face conversation. If you can't be in person, then you certainly be on a Zoom meeting. I would recommend starting with something of sharing this out of love and care, and that's why you're mentioning it. I would also make sure to say something in the form of an I statement, not a you statement. And I would be very careful to maybe even write a script of what you want to say so that you don't sound blaming. Because as we've talked about in previous episodes, like when we talked about how to have difficult conversations skillfully, you know, blame worms its way into the middle of this. And once there's blame, there's defensiveness. And once there's defensiveness, there's no more productive conversation. Ask for what we need in terms of behavior change. This isn't going well for me, and I want to talk about it. And I want to talk with you about what's happening for you. Maybe there's something you need on your end too. Is there anything bothering you? Here's what's bothering me. I would also say, I think it's hard for people to want to do this. I'm a big believer in more is better of this. I think people kind of just like you clean out your refrigerator, clean out your relationship. You know, you would clean out your refrigerator, you don't want science experiments growing in the back of the refrigerator. Well, I don't want science experiments growing in my relationships either. And so what I mean by that is if you feel like something's kind of smoldering from the last visit, maybe it's worth saying, you know, I don't know, it felt like there was some tension last time. Is everything okay? Now you don't want to do that all the time. You don't want to be constantly saying, is everything okay? Is everything okay? You got to let some bumps and bruises go by. But if it's starting to feel like there's something funky happening that doesn't feel comfortable, it's probably better to name it. And I would say pick the things that you talk about carefully. Don't pick too many. Don't have it be that every other word or sentence or engagement involves a need to process some problem. Things come up, they're going to come up probably every time you see them. If you're lucky that you see them that often, then people have ways that they don't entirely line up. That's just part of life. If you're used to family life, then you know that. That people have a lot of things they have to figure out together. And there are these moments and you just kind of have to say, oh well, moving on. We're not going to get stuck there. But then there are moments when you feel like there's enough of a pattern or there's something about what's going on in the engagement that really feels like it needs to be named and attended to.

SPEAKER_00 15:27

So you're really basically talking about communicating, communicating expectations, communicating what your boundaries are, communicating when you're feeling a little hurt, but you're not saying we should communicate about every single little slight. I'm saying please don't. I promise that won't go well. Yeah. So I feel like we've talked a lot about some of the generational differences, but what about cultural differences?

SPEAKER_01 15:54

Let's start by saying there are differences and we need to remember that. So when you're meeting with other people who may have different ideas about a holiday or how to approach mealtime or all kinds of different things. There are subcultures, there are cultural differences in the basic way of like some families have everybody together in the room. Like Thanksgiving is an extended family operation and you've got 30 people there. Other people are very much more boundaried about it, and there are seven people sitting at a long table, and that's it. And those are two very different ways of doing a holiday. Um, I know in our family, you know, when the younger generation brings in their partners, some of the partners are a little bit overwhelmed because it's such a big event. And that in some of their families, they come from backgrounds where it isn't such a big event. It's a much smaller, quieter event. And so I think just accepting that there are differences and learning more about what the differences are prior to them happening can also lead to a much better outcome.

SPEAKER_00 17:00

Is that another case where you might just speak to your partner ahead of time? Like, uh, for example, you say to your partner, I come up come from a gigantic family. There are gonna be lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws. So it's it's gonna be noisy. And just, you know, I just want you to know that's what to expect.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

We're gonna be at the party for three or four hours. Everybody sits around after dinner and talks and chats. Sometimes people play games. Look, that might be a lot, and you may not want to do that the whole time. And we can definitely take a separate car and leave earlier if it feels a bit overwhelming, because I know that's not what you're used to, right?

SPEAKER_00 17:42

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

You have to work with that other person, and so that big celebration I just mentioned, that couple may not go every year. Well, for one thing, the couple has to manage both families. So depending on where the two sets of parents live, how you how often you go to each family is gonna vary, and how you kind of arrange some kind of setup so everybody gets to see the the new couple, that can all be very important and it's very delicate. And if there's divorce in the family, then that couple may have even more to manage in terms of she has to go to her mother and her father, you know, and then they have to go to his family's house. You know, that's a lot to do. That's a lot of people to manage. So awareness that when a new couple comes together, they have to set up their own rituals and ways of doing things, and everybody's gonna have to get used to that.

SPEAKER_00 18:46

And then what happens when children enter the picture? You know, the you first we were talking about when someone first brings in a partner into the relation, into their family, and then that couple, that young couple has a child. Talk about some of the challenges that people tend to face when that happens. And again, expectations, communication. How do you set boundaries so that you're not, you know, you're the as the young couple, don't feel like you have to give up all your time when you might want to just be with your own spouse and child.

SPEAKER_01 19:18

Talking about that, saying, you know, we're a new family. We don't know how we want to do everything yet. We'll let you know. And we hope that you'll be accepting of us as we sort that out. I think the more open people can be about those kinds of things, the better. And that if we don't see you, it's not because we don't want to, it's because we have to do some other things too. We also want to make sure that it isn't that they don't want to. We don't want to create environments where people don't want to be with the older generation because there's so much pressure that they feel. That's what we want to avoid at all costs.

SPEAKER_00 19:50

So, Cindy, sometimes in-law relationships can be a source to heal wounds. So is it is it okay to love your in-laws more than you love your own family of origin?

SPEAKER_01 20:01

I would say absolutely. Truth be told, you don't have the history or the baggage because you don't come from that family. So it might be easier for you to be close. I think though, you just want to be mindful of how you convey that to the family that you come from.

SPEAKER_00 20:17

And then on the flip side, is it okay if you really don't like your in-laws and you want nothing to do with them?

SPEAKER_01 20:24

I would say it absolutely is okay. You want to keep it in check about what you do about that. The more we know about what we feel, the better. What we don't want to do is feel bad about things and not let ourselves be aware of what we're feeling. And that's how we start enacting our feelings unproductively. So that's what we don't want to do. We want to know what we feel, and we want to manage our feelings as best as possible. And so, what I mean by this is if you know that you're gonna be with people that you kind of already know you don't feel that great about them, you're on point now. Be aware from the minute you turn the doorknob and you're walking in the house there, you're with those people now. So you have to be aware of the way that you sound and be aware that we sometimes telecast things to people without awareness.

SPEAKER_00 21:15

So that's a great way to wrap this up because I I feel like that is my big takeaway is to be aware of your own feelings, um, convey your feelings in a polite way, you know, set your expectations, and choose choose when to like choose your battles, maybe. It sounds like those are all takeaways for how to have a healthy relationship with your in-laws.

SPEAKER_01 21:39

Yes, I really like the way you you summarize that. Uh anybody who's in the position to be thinking about these things uh is very fortunate. You have children, you have new people that you're getting to know, new people provides new opportunities. Be curious, be empathic, imagine yourself. Going into a new land because you are. And if you approach with curiosity and empathy, it will have a much better outcome, no doubt.

SPEAKER_00 22:08

Next week, we'll be talking about estrangement within families and the rising number of people who are going no contact with their family members. Make sure to subscribe and don't miss an episode.