Going No Contact

In this episode, Dr. Cynthia Post, licensed clinical psychologist, explores the growing trend in families for people to cut off all contact with a relative. She discusses when it makes sense to take a pause or break from someone and when a complete break may be warranted. And if you’re the person who has been cut off, Cindy suggests ways to keep the door open for the potential for reconciliation later. 

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

Being connected is complicated. If you want to be close to people, you need to make room for both people to be in conversation. Finding a way to limit contact for a period of time with the door open that you could come back if things get too heated or too uncomfortable is a really good idea. Sometimes young people just don't feel altogether. And talking to their close loved ones about it may not be what they want to do. They might just want to be with themselves and figure out certain things as they find their way in the world. They might feel too vulnerable to do that. And even though that family member is really well-intentioned, it just may not be the right time or the right person. Welcome to Couples and Connections, a conversation with me, Dr. Cynthia Post, a licensed clinical psychologist. And me, Teresa Sullivan Barger, a health journalist. We cover all things relationships, conflict, loss, success, betrayal, change, you name it, we'll dive into it. So let's dive in. Today we're going to be talking about when in families someone decides to go no contact. The decision to not have contact with that family member anymore is basically what we're talking about. Maybe you saw them very frequently, maybe you only saw them at holidays, whatever the frequency that you decide you're not going to be speaking to them anymore by phone, you're not going to be seeing them, you're having no relationship with them moving forward.

SPEAKER_00 1:34

It seems like this is becoming a trend from my own personal observation. Is that what you're seeing?

SPEAKER_01 1:40

It is what I'm seeing. I'm noticing an uptick in frequency in people reporting that they have gotten no contact or that they know someone who has.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

How are things shifting in society that this is becoming a more common trend?

SPEAKER_01 1:54

I think that the big thing I see is that when people perceive that people in their family are not regarding their wishes, it is no longer the case that it's a given that you just put up with those infractions, those violations, those boundary issues, whatever they may be, that they're they now consider that, well, if you're not willing to work with me on these things, then maybe I won't be in contact with you anymore. Why it's happening is very nuanced and not entirely clear. I think it has something to do with intergenerational issues over years. Older generations put up with something, the next generation put up with the same thing again. And the finally the younger generation is thinking, why am I doing this? I know about it, I've heard about it, I don't want to continue this pattern. This doesn't feel healthy for me. So that's one line of reasoning. Another line of reasoning that I understand is that somehow relationships just feel more disposable. If you're not meeting my needs, I don't want to know you. So the whole focus on loyalty and connections, there seems to be some shift there.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

There's so many things with the younger generation that they've thrown out the traditions of the older generation. I was raised that blood is thicker than water. You family is the most important thing, and you, no matter what happens with your family, you're always there for them. You just keep trying no matter what happens. But it sounds like things are changing and the younger generation is setting boundaries for themselves. In one way, hasn't that always been true?

SPEAKER_01 3:31

That the younger generation looks at what the older generation says, oh, I'm going to do so much better than this. I'm going to really be able to go beyond what happened to me. And so, in one way, the pushback is sort of an extension of what we've always known. It's just that it's sort of gone to a really kind of extreme level and that it seems to be growing in frequency. Some of these old ideas are just being thrown out, like blood is thicker than water. Like, is it? Should it be? Why should it be? How do you know it's good for you? Those kind of questions are coming to people's minds and they're and they're pushing back against it.

SPEAKER_00 4:06

So let's get into that. How do you know when it's not in your best interest to stay connected to a loved one?

SPEAKER_01 4:12

I I guess that would be a situation where you've tried repeatedly to address things that are quite painful for you in the exchange, that many exchanges are very uncomfortable, that you find yourself it it's affecting how you feel about yourself. That that you you don't feel comfortable in their presence, you don't feel emotionally safe would be a way to put it in their presence. And this is, you know, how do you evaluate that? Does that mean that every time somebody doesn't agree with you, you should say, oh, I don't feel emotionally safe? You know, so so we have to be a little careful here. Like, how are we defining our terms? Like when I talk about being emotionally safe, I'm talking about uh both physical and um psychological boundaries, as one example. Like, what if you don't feel like talking about work and your parent just keeps peppering you and peppering you and giving you all these um ideas and questions and demanding that you answer them the way that that they want you to? Is that grounds for being cut off, or is that grounds for ending a conversation? You know, like I feel I feel that it's kind of swung so far, like that's it. I've had four conversations with you, and you keep asking me about my work, and I really don't want to talk about my work, and I've said so, so I don't want to talk to you anymore. I mean, that's been happening, those kinds of things are happening, as opposed to maybe, maybe there's a little bit of behavior modification where you say you you end that conversation, maybe you end that visit, maybe you take a little space from that person in the meantime, but you choose not to see them so soon afterward, after this happens, give yourself a chance to cool your heels and perhaps give them a chance to think.

SPEAKER_00 6:05

Before cutting somebody off, is it a matter of having an open conversation and a frank conversation? I think it would be helpful if that were the case.

SPEAKER_01 6:14

In plenty of families, they give you like a sign or a signal that they're not comfortable. The other person does not read the room very well and pick up on the signal that was just sent. They're sending more signals, they're still not being received, and it's on that basis that they withdraw. Wouldn't it be great if people could turn to their family member and say, I'm not liking how this is going, I don't want to continue talking about this. Can we please change the subject? But there's a presumption in that of a lot of opportunity for direct, clear, open communication in an emotionally safe environment. And I think in some of these families it just doesn't feel that way. And so in the cases where somebody actually is making a decision to cut off from their family member, it's because they've been trying to let them know in the best way they can and it's not going well and it's not being received.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

Cindy, you mentioned behavioral modifications. You mentioned that sometimes there's not this open dialogue, sometimes it's just people are sending signals, body language. So people have sent the signals, maybe they've discontinued phone calls, whatever. Talk to me about what people can do to send a message if if it's not getting through, and and then at what point do they know that it's it's fruitless?

SPEAKER_01 7:32

Uh, you know, I don't think there's any one right answer to this. I think it's of it's quite variable across people and tolerance and what the what the relationship is like between the people. Like maybe one person would be more than happy to talk honestly and openly, but they know that they will be received with rage. That if they say what they need and want, their family member will not respond well. So they don't bother and they send these like little signals, and and those aren't responded to. And on that basis, they make a behavioral change. They get up and leave the event, they um don't see the family member for a while. Maybe they hold off on even making telephone contact. So that's what they do, and when and how they should decide. That's the million-dollar question. How do we know the right answer to that? I would say the the sort of the larger answer would be that if you're feeling emotionally andor physically unsafe, that that would be a good time at the very least to back up from whoever you're dealing with, whether it's a family member or somebody else in your life. When we talk about being safe, it means that there's space for the individual to engage in a conversation in a way they are comfortable. So that's the emotional space I just was describing. Then there's the physical space. What if somebody's literally invading your space? They're sitting right up next to you in a way that you really don't like, or they're not giving you the physical space. When you walk away from you them, they follow you, they go right there with you. I will say some people do need verbal cues. Physical cues may not be enough. You may need to say, you know, I was thinking I might go take a little walk, I'll be back shortly. I just need a little space for myself. And if they continue not to regard your space, then you know, physical space violations can go on from there. Are they hitting you or touching you in painful ways? Are they not taking cues that you're not liking what's happening? So there's like a whole continuum of what it means physically and mentally. You know, mentally, the exchange could be just a very um fraught conversation or one filled with criticism or one filled with negative um labels attached to the person. All of these would create environments that wouldn't make someone feel safe.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

I want to ask, Cindy, if someone is considering cutting off contact, um, is there a way that they can do it without severing the relationship permanently? I would call this putting the relationship on pause.

SPEAKER_01 10:14

And so it might be a situation where the efforts to get through to the person about the pushing of the boundaries, physical or mental, is not going well for them. That is not working very well for that person. And they now feel they need to make another level intervention, which is to say, I don't want to spend time with you. And they maybe don't even say it, they just kind of go radio silent. Some people call this ghosting, where you just literally don't have contact with this person, you don't explain it, you just go away. I always feel sad when that happens. I think it would be better if someone could say, you know, I've been feeling kind of frustrated lately, and I just feel like I need a little space. I'll be back in touch, but it might take me a little while.

SPEAKER_00 11:01

And if you're the person who has been cut off, is there a way to respect that loved per loved one's boundaries, but still sort of keep the lines of communication open without severing the relationship?

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Well, if they're not talking to you, then you have the option to reach out to them by email or by letter or by phone call. I would I would recommend that if you're going to do that, I might limit how often you do it and how you do it. So I wouldn't want to be guilt tripping anybody. I wouldn't want to be peppering them with contact, but maybe at special events or something reminded you of them. And so you send them a picture of something you saw or just something to say, I'm thinking about you without any additional pressure associated with it.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

So maybe send a birthday card. I love you, thinking of you. That's right. But no, no, no ask on your part.

SPEAKER_01 12:02

Exactly. In these situations, often, but not always, often, there isn't usually one bad guy. Sometimes there is, where there's been actual physical or sexual abuse, where there's been violence, is something really frightening or upsetting in that way. Those are there is a one person in the wrong because of their behavior. But in many cases, it's much more gray than that. And I do just also want to remind everyone that what might not work right now might work 10 years from now, or it might work five years from now. And so finding a way to limit contact for a period of time with the door open that you could come back if things get too heated or too uncomfortable is a really good idea. Sometimes young people just don't feel altogether. And talking to their close loved ones about it may not be what they want to do. They might just want to be with themselves and figure out certain things as they find their way in the world. They might feel too vulnerable to do that. And even though that family member is really well-intentioned, it just may not be the right time or the right person.

SPEAKER_00 13:12

Thanks, Cindy. This has been very helpful. I think we've all learned something, and maybe some of what we we can take away is how to prevent the kind of relationship fracture that leads to no contact.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

Being connected is complicated. If you want to be close to people, you need to make room for both people to be in conversation.

SPEAKER_00 13:35

If you want more of Cindy's perspectives, there are dozens of podcast episodes and radio shows on her website at CynthiaPost PhD.com.