Large Family Gatherings

When large families that include multiple generations, in-laws, and new significant others get together, it can be both challenging and fun. In this episode, Dr. Cynthia Post, licensed clinical psychologist, suggests what to consider when preparing for these gatherings. She offers guidance for how to include elderly family members and new arrivals, respect different personality types, and handle conflicts between individuals with the goal of having an enjoyable time and making good memories.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

We're talking today so much about the idea that we're getting together with a larger group and what we want to talk about when we're with other people and how to make room for differences in the group, differences in capacity, even differences in interest. And how can we communicate really well with each other to help people feel comfortable in these larger settings so that we can communicate well, enjoy the time together, understand each other, nobody has to get offended. People who don't connect well with each other just have a tendency to stay away from each other and that that's okay. But that the larger message is let's make some nice memories. That's why we're getting together. Welcome to Couples and Connections, a conversation with me, Dr. Cynthia Post, a licensed clinical psychologist. And me, Teresa Sullivan Barger, a health journalist. We cover all things relationships: conflict, loss, success, betrayal, change, you name it, we'll dive into it. So let's dive in.

SPEAKER_01 1:04

Today, we're talking about getting together with extended families, whether it's for vacation or a celebration or a holiday, whatever. It's how do people navigate those relationships when larger groups of family members get together? To get started, what should we consider when we're people are coming together in a larger group than usual? We're involving grandparents, extended family, maybe new in-laws or new significant others. How do we go into that for the best possible outcome?

SPEAKER_00 1:40

First of all, it's great that we're even talking about that question because the fact that we're considering it is going to already help it go so much better because we're considering it. So a lot of times in these gatherings, people don't think about the fact that some people are older and can't travel long distances. Or some people have lots of limits on their time and can't travel. Or some people don't have a lot of financial resources, or they have young children. There are things that limit their ability to participate in some way. And they may or may not feel comfortable saying so. And maybe they don't want to be a killjoy and come in sounding negative. And so that's why I think having a very open conversation and saying, let's do some kind of a poll. We are hoping to have a gathering. Somebody has to launch this project and you put a message out when it's not like an already organized family event, like a like a holiday, or it's not a you know, wedding or funeral. If it's just getting together with a larger group, you might want to say, we're hoping to get our group together. And we want to put the word out to everybody and see who's able to join us for this and throw have everybody throw out some dates about what would work. Like who gets to decide when it's going to happen. Now, one of the things I would say is also a critical element of this that's very important to consider is flexibility. That some people aren't going to want to stay as long or aren't able to stay as long. Maybe they have limited leave. Maybe they can only stay for a few days. Those kinds of things. So all of the everything that you can possibly think of to include to help people feel at ease with being honest with each other and coming together as a group makes all the difference in the world. When people feel considered, there isn't a lot they can't talk about.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

Okay, so now you've you've set this invitation out there. Um, should we assume that there's now an event and people are gathering? Um, and it's okay to move on to the next question, or was there anything else that you wanted to say that people should be thinking about as they're planning this get together?

SPEAKER_00 4:00

I'm glad you said that because one of the things that probably needs to be in the invitation is if you could let us know by such and such date, that would be great. Now, some people probably won't get back in touch by that date for whatever reason. There doesn't need to be judgment, it just may not happen. Maybe people are busy, maybe they didn't see the email, whatever. Maybe they have the wrong email address. If you have a list of people and some people are not responding, it could be because you have the wrong email address. So keep that in mind so people don't feel like they were left off the list. That's another thing to think about. Making sure everybody actually got the invitation. Could you let us know that you received this is always a great question. So one of the things to put on the invitation is please let us know by such and such date so that we can plan something that's going to work. And if some people don't get back in touch, you may want to start getting, as the date approaches, maybe divvy it up among the people that are planning it to reach out by phone and try to reach people. Now it might be the case that if nobody responds by phone or by email, they may not be coming. And it wouldn't be because people didn't try. And that could happen. And if it does, then that's explained later.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

So now we're moving on to the event. And if you're attending this event, how do you welcome and include new additions to the family? They could be significant others. Um maybe they're not married yet, but they're just a new boyfriend or girlfriend. How do you do it in a way that's authentic and that doesn't make them feel like you're just sort of going through the motions?

SPEAKER_00 5:39

So I always think, first of all, just being deliberate about recognizing in the family that newcomers are newcomers and they're not going to feel as comfortable. You know, there's the old guard that's been there for a million years, and they all have their own banter and their own humor and their own way of engaging. And the new people are kind of a little bit of deer in headlights, and they're trying to figure out to talk or not to talk, how do they fit in? Do people like them? Everything that all humans feel when they meet new people. So if we're sensitive to that, we would be walking up, plopping ourselves next to them and just sort of quietly getting to know them like you would anybody else. So you walk up to them, and if you show genuine interest, that will be felt. Like, you know, I understand that you are a photographer. What what is the what role are you? What how do you uh practice your trade? That's really neat. I love photography myself as a hobby. So you try to find a point of connection. I'm just using that as an example of photography. You know, you you try to find a point of connection or another question, oh, so where are you from originally? I don't, you know, I I never got to learn that about you, or something like that. And and you get them talking about themselves and you try to draw them out a bit. And some some of these are attunement skills, some of these are skills of conversation. If you're not that comfortable with conversational skills, many people aren't, then it might be a matter of just sitting there and you know, you say, Oh, do you mind if I sit here with you? And maybe you chat a little bit about something like maybe you say, you know what, I'm the one that made the bars. What do you think? You say something silly like that, or oh, I've been so looking forward to this visit. I've been so swamped at work. How about you? So you try to figure out like, how can you just extend the conversation? Now, they may or may not take you up on talking, they may just sit there quietly, and that also is okay. And maybe you just decide that you're going to sit there with them for so many minutes and just enjoy the opportunity to be with them and learn what it's like to be with them.

SPEAKER_01 7:51

One of the things I also wonder is if you have adult children, is it appropriate to suggest that they remember to speak to the elderly relatives who sometimes get a left left off on their own? Or just is it good to okay to recommend to them that they welcome the new people? Or are they or is that insulting them because they're adults and they should know that?

SPEAKER_00 8:16

You know, I don't know. I think when it comes to adult children, and I I think in general, we don't want to be telling people what to do, but I don't think a gentle reminder could hurt. I think it's certainly fine to say to one's own spouse, hey, by the way, let's not forget we've got elderly relatives here and we've got some newcomers here. So if it's your family, if it's your family reunion, then you might say, I could really use your help on this. Or you could say that to even to your adult children, I could really use your help, you guys. You know, these people are gonna be here. And anybody who wants to jump in and chat with the newcomers, I would sure appreciate that. That would be really great. And make it your thing that you're making that request if you're gonna, if you're gonna do that. Not that you're telling them what to do, but that you're seeking their help.

SPEAKER_01 9:07

Now, this something like that is really easy for someone who's an extrovert, I think. But I'm thinking about people have different personalities. Some people are introverted, some people are extroverted. How can people be accommodated, regardless of their personality traits, when they're in this large group of relatives?

SPEAKER_00 9:28

Well, I think one message that's always nice to send, certainly to people you know, it might be harder with people you don't know, and you'll get to know this over time. It might be harder for everyone at the beginning, because nobody knows these traits quite yet. But not but just something for consideration is sending a message, you know, we we're accepting here, we support you, you know, however you want to send that message, or sending a message, uh, I don't know about you, but when I'm meeting new people, sometimes I just want to observe. And if that's how you feel, that is completely fine. You know, just kind of sending a message that they may not want to talk much. And I think you just give people the message that you accept them by the way you treat them, and the way you treat them is with warmth and kindness and interest, and that over time you'll get to understand what they're like if they are a quieter person and a new person. If they're a quieter person that's known, then you already might have some experience of sending that message to them, and you could do that in more of a one-on-one conversation, you know, it like something in the in the order of you know, sometimes being in larger groups is hard. And I just want you to know if you need to go take a walk or whatever, only be here for part of the time, whatever you want to do is fine with us. We're just so glad you were able to join us.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Yeah, that's yeah. I I um I try to make the people who are introverts, because I'm an extrovert, if I see someone alone, I'll try to talk to them, but I'll but I'm not always sure if they want to be left alone.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

Right, exactly. And so being aware that you may not be like them and that what you would like they may not like.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

Now, since we're talking about families, um, I imagine most families, if you have some type of tension at some point, and maybe I don't think everybody's like the you know, the big happy family where everything's perfect. So if you're getting together and there you know that there are tensions between some members of the family, how do you suggest navigating that? Both the as a family and as the individual, if you're one of the individuals who may have a tense relationship with a person who's going to be there.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

There may be some people who just kind of need to steer clear of each other because there's just too much going on and you don't want to spoil the larger event. And there's a decision to come, even though there's this tension. Or you may choose to just at least be polite and say hello, because again, you want to be civil, you want to send a message of civility at the very least. It's not a time to process the conflict, certainly not in public. So there might be a decision to sort of orient yourself around the people that you feel more comfortable with, and that's an absolutely fine decision. Um, and then I think if other people are aware of these tensions, they can help by engaging the parts of the group separately a little bit and just not making it a big focus, but just having a quiet understanding that there seems to be some tension between people here, and you don't need to name it out loud. You might just keep those people supported and engaged in a way that seems comfortable.

SPEAKER_01 12:59

So, like if it were a big dinner party, you would make sure that the the two people who were in conflict were at different ends of the table. Exactly. That kind of thing, yeah. So just this is we've sort of covered a lot of bases. I guess in a general way, what is the best way to promote being in a you know a positive family gathering? Um, given all the various challenges we've discussed.

SPEAKER_00 13:25

Well, and you know, this applies to smaller gatherings, this applies to larger gatherings, communication. What are people wanting? What are people needing? If something didn't go well, can people be told that quickly so that they know and can adjust? This kind of thing. You know, somebody wants to go here, but they don't realize how far away it is. The other person says, Well, it's really far. Just want to make sure you know that. If you're comfortable with that, then we can do that, but we want to make sure we're on the same page that you're not surprised. Or somebody thought that there's a group of people all going to be over here, and they spend all their time looking around. These all the levels of communication that you can possibly imagine. The more deliberate you are about what you need and what you want, the better opportunity you have for a successful outcome. And the idea is that we're trying to make memories, that we have lovely memories to walk away with. And part of the lovely memory could be I feel so happy that we navigated all those things so well. That we shouldn't assume it's all going to go perfectly, is part of what I guess I'm saying. That's part of what's in the special sauce is an understanding that communicating is a complex thing and that it's hard, partly because some people aren't don't know how to do it or don't want to do it. They don't think it's normal or natural to do it, and and it's necessary, and that when you do it well, it makes for such a better outcome. And then you have these lovely memories that come from that that you can hold forever. That's part of what's so nice about these gatherings. You're coming together because you cherish these people and you want to walk away feeling really happy, and that you can reflect on those lovely experiences. Now, that said, making room that it may not be perfect and that there's opportunity and learning and growth opportunities, if there are some, you know, kind of bumpy places in the whole gathering. There could be a few, and that that is also normal and okay in a larger family gathering or any gathering for that matter. It's hard to walk away with nothing that you wish you could do differently.

SPEAKER_01 15:40

Thank you. That I feel like, as usual, communication is the heart of most things, most relationships. Um, I'm just thinking of a my I have a family, we have a family reunion every two years, and one of my cousins does the line share of the organization. And I I feel like I haven't shown appreciation to the extent that I should have. I mean, yes, I say thank you, but I mean, it's so it's such a heavy lift to organize a giant family reunion. Oh my goodness. So um this is this is giving me lots of food for thought.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

Thanks, Teresa. I really think if people can remember so many things that we've talked about today, about how to be in a larger setting, how to be with other people and aware of other people. We're talking today so much about the idea that we're we're getting together with a larger group and what we want to talk about when we're with other people, and how to make room for differences in the group, differences in capacity, even differences in interest. And how can we communicate really well with each other to help people feel comfortable in these larger settings so that we can communicate well, enjoy the time together, understand each other, nobody has to get offended. People who don't connect well with each other just have a tendency to stay away from each other and that that's okay. But that the larger message is let's make some nice memories. That's why we're getting together, and to really try to remember that and do all the steps necessary to help it be as smooth as possible, knowing that there may be some bumps along the road.

SPEAKER_01 17:23

You've been listening to Couples and Connections, conversations with clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Post. I'm health journalist Teresa Sullivan Barger. Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss an episode. New episodes drop every Friday.

SPEAKER_00 17:39

Thanks so much for listening today. And remember, when you're thinking about getting together with others, you're trying to think about how to build happy memories, how to be accepting of each other, how to communicate well so that you can have as smooth and positive an experience as possible, and make room for the idea that it may not be perfect.