Episode 27: When Grief Feels Like 10 Steps Forward… and 20 Steps Back

In this episode of The Widow’s Collective Podcast, Lauren explores one of the most confusing and challenging aspects of grief: the feeling of taking steps forward only to be pulled back by unexpected waves of pain.

If you’ve ever thought you were “healing” and then been hit with intense grief out of nowhere, this episode is for you. Lauren guides you through:

• The Moment It Hits – Recognizing the small triggers and unexpected waves that can bring grief rushing back. 
• The Story We Tell Ourselves – How self-judgment can amplify grief and what it really means when we feel like we’re “regressing.” 
• Grief Doesn’t Move in Straight Lines – Understanding the non-linear nature of grief and how waves of intensity are part of moving forward. 
• Revisiting vs. Regression – Why revisiting old feelings doesn’t mean failure, and how to honor your progress. 
• Why Grief Feels So Convincing – The physiological and emotional reasons grief hits hard, even after you’ve moved through earlier layers. 
• The Reframe – Gentle questions and practices to respond to intense emotions with compassion rather than judgment. 
• Progress in Grief – How to see progress in subtle, quiet ways rather than as a straight line. 
• A Moment of Grounding – Practical exercises to pause, breathe, and reconnect with yourself when grief feels overwhelming. 

💛 Key Takeaway:
Grief isn’t a linear path, and every wave—gentle or fierce—is part of the process of moving forward. Feeling pulled back doesn’t erase your progress; it deepens your capacity to love, live, and carry your loss with presence and self-compassion.

Whether you’re navigating daily grief, sudden triggers, or the ongoing tension of life after loss, this episode offers compassion, perspective, and practical guidance for moving forward—even when it feels like twenty steps back.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Welcome to the Widows Collective, where grief meets hope, healing, and community. I'm Lauren Lentz, grief coach, fellow widow, and the heart behind this space. There is life before loss, and then there is life after. If you're here, it likely means your life has been turned upside down by the death of your person. Maybe you've just found yourself in this new world that feels unrecognizable, or maybe you've been walking it for a while, trying to figure out what healing looks like now. I want you to know you are not alone. This podcast is a gathering place for widows living in the after. Together, we'll name the eight, honor the love, and share tools, truths, and stories that help you feel supported along the way. My hope is that every episode gives you a sense of community, comfort, and permission to meet yourself exactly where you are. Hello and welcome back to the Widows Collective podcast. If you're new here, thank you so much for joining us. And if you've been around since the beginning, know that you are such an important part of this community. Today, I want to talk about an experience that many of you have felt, even if you haven't quite had the words for it yet, because this is one of those moments that really highlights just how complex grief actually is. It lives in the space where life is slowly seeping back in when the small rhythms of your day start to feel a little more predictable. And maybe even if for a short while at least you feel like you're catching your breath again. And then bam, a wave of grief hits, and your mind starts racing. Will it always hurt this much? I thought I was past this part. Am I regressing? And just like that, it can feel like all the ground you thought you gained is gone. 10 steps forward and 20 steps back. That kind of moment can bring up a lot. Confusion, frustration, even a sense of defeat. You might find yourself wondering, what just happened? Did I do something wrong? Why does it seem like everyone else is handling this better than I am? So before we go any further today, I want to pause and acknowledge something really important. You didn't mess this grief thing up. Grief is complicated. It doesn't follow timelines, and sometimes it shows up in moments we thought we had already moved through. If you're listening today and feeling that pull backward, a sense of resistance, or even a fear that you're somehow stuck. I want you to take a deep breath with me right now and gently exhale the words.

SPEAKER_01 3:44

I am right where I'm supposed to be in this moment. Let's just sit with that for a second.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

And then I want to walk you through what this can actually look like in real life so you can start to see yourself in it. You're learning how to move through life in the after and might have had a stretch of days or even weeks where things feel a little lighter, more manageable. Maybe you noticed you weren't bracing yourself as much when you woke up in the morning, like there's a little more space between you and that immediate heaviness. Maybe you caught a glimpse of yourself functioning again, showing up for your kids, your work, life. It felt unfamiliar, but it also felt somewhat grounding. Maybe you even felt for the tiniest moment like you were starting to find a rhythm again. And then something shifts, a thought drifts in, seemingly out of nowhere, a memory rises up, a flash of something that pulls your heart strings. The date on the calendar reminds you that nothing is the same. A small moment appears, a habit that only they understood, or their favorite food in the store, and you realize again, they're not here. And suddenly you feel like you're right back in it. The heaviness presses down physically and emotionally, the pain spreads through your chest, your shoulders, and your stomach, and the tears start to come at an intensity you weren't expecting. And all of a sudden, this thought that follows is what is wrong with me? And I want to share there is nothing wrong with you. Your mind wants a reason, a timeline, some form of proof that you're healing properly. But grief doesn't work that way. And you are supposed to be feeling exactly what you're feeling. This is when our mind starts spinning stories about what all it means. And that story often adds a second layer of weight on top of the grief itself. You might catch your mind racing, trying to make sense of it, trying to fix it. Why am I still feeling this way? I should be doing better by now. This story that we tell ourselves can feel incredibly real and urgent and convincing. And sometimes it can feel really scary. It adds a second layer of suffering on top of the grief itself because now it's not just grief. It's grief plus your judgment, plus self-doubt, plus the heavy weight of thinking you're somehow failing at something you can't control. But what I want you to know is that a story is just that it's not truth. Grief doesn't follow rules or adhere to our societal expectations. Your progress isn't measured by weeks or months or how you think you should feel. And yet, our minds want to rationalize, want to categorize and measure everything. So when grief resurfaces in a way that can feel unexpectedly intense, your mind jumps in with a story. It's trying to make sense of something that is inherently senseless. The story adds the weight. But it's important to remember that it doesn't define you. It doesn't erase the steps you've taken forward. It certainly doesn't erase the courage it takes to keep moving through grief day by day. So sometimes we need to just slow down, notice our story, and gently challenge it without the shame, without the judgment. This can be one of the most powerful ways you can care for yourself in moments like this. Because when we really start to see that grief doesn't move in a straight line, that it doesn't follow a timeline or logic, it can take some of the power away from the unpredictable experience and give it back to you. It reminds you that you're not failing, that you're not broken, and that even in the hardest moments, you have the capacity to move through it. I know you've heard this, and I'm going to repeat it. Grief moves in waves. I love the wave analogy. Sometimes those waves are gentle. They roll in quietly, they give you a chance to breathe, to rest, to notice that life still exists outside of the ache. Other times they come crashing in, overpowering us, raw, relentless, stirring up memories you thought you had processed, feelings you thought had softened, or emotions that feel as intense as the very beginning. Even in that intensity, the wave isn't a reset. It's a deepening. Hitting a wave doesn't erase steps you've taken, the moments you've survived, or the growth you've experienced. It is your mind, your body, and your heart reminding you that grief isn't something you get over. It's something to move with, to integrate layer by layer, wave by wave. I think so many of us think that grief is here to punish us, but grief doesn't punish you for moving forward. It doesn't judge you for moments of joy or ease. Each wave, whether gentle or fierce, is still part of the process. And it's still moving you forward even when it doesn't feel like it. So what may feel like 20 steps back is often something very different than what your mind wants you to believe. It's not regression, it's not failure, it's not proof that you're doing grief wrong. It's more like a revisiting, if you will. It's your system, your heart, your mind, your body coming back to something it's already met, but from a slightly different place, a place with more experience, more awareness, more resilience. You are not the same person you were at the beginning of this journey. And I think that if you look back, you will recognize that even if the feelings feel familiar, even if they surprise you, you were not the same as you were a week ago, a month ago, six months ago, a year ago. You've lived more. You've processed more, you've carried grief in ways you didn't know you could. You've stretched and bent and found pieces of yourself you didn't even realize were there. So when grief resurfaces with this type of intensity, it's not starting over. It's moving through another layer, another layer your heart, mind, and body are ready to face, even if it feels overwhelming. Every wave, every memory, every tear is a part of the process. You are doing something powerful, moving through it, not avoiding it, not pretending it doesn't exist. Every time you peel back a layer, you are deepening your capacity to live, love, and carry your loss. And while understanding, revisiting helps you see that this isn't regression, it doesn't always make the intensity any easier to handle. Sometimes the force of that wave can feel almost physical, shocking, even. And it's natural to wonder why it hit so hard, why grief can feel so convincing even after you thought you'd made progress. Even when you know grief isn't linear, the impact of a wave can still surprise you. Sometimes it feels as raw as the very beginning, or even more intense. And you might think things like, if I was doing better, shouldn't this feel easier by now? Here's what's happening. Grief isn't just emotional, it's physiological. Early grief often comes with shock, numbness, or denial, which can make the later waves feel confusing or even alarming. Your body stores experiences, loss, love, moments of connection. And when a trigger appears, your nervous system responds before your mind can catch up. That heaviness in your chest, tightness in your shoulders, sudden fatigue, or the knot in your stomach. That's your body remembering, integrating, and processing layers of love and loss you've carried silently. It isn't a setback. It's proof that your mind, your heart, and your body are doing their work and you're still moving through grief, even when it feels overwhelming.

SPEAKER_01 13:57

So when a wave hits, pause, notice it, name it. Maybe even say, This is love, this is memory, this is grief.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

It's hitting hard, but I'm here and I am moving through it. I've moved through it before and I can move through it again. Every tear, every ache, every flash of memory is a part of the ongoing process of carrying someone you love.

SPEAKER_01 14:37

You are finding your way forward layer by layer.

SPEAKER_00 14:45

And as we move from understanding the intensity, we can start to reframe it. Instead of asking ourselves, why am I going backwards? Try asking something different. What is really tender right now? What message or messages are my feelings trying to convey? And I say this all the time: our feelings are just messengers. So if we take a step back and we look at what's behind the anger or the fear or the sadness, our body and our mind are always trying to tell us something. And lastly, how can I support myself in this moment? Because it's not about fixing. It's about learning how to be with, be with the feeling, be with yourself, about noticing what's happening in your body, your heart, and your mind, and responding to it with gentleness and grace. This is where the real healing happens. Not rushing past feelings, but letting them exist while knowing you are safe, you are capable, and you are not alone in it.

SPEAKER_01 16:09

Progress doesn't look like a straight line.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

There is no checklist for grief. There's no calendar. You're not going to flip past a year or two years or three years and have this feeling of a finish line. It looks like having a hard day and knowing you'll come out of it. Feeling the crashing wave without it taking you under, recognizing what's happening instead of being lost in it.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

It's subtle.

SPEAKER_00 16:51

It's sometimes only visible when you look back. Progress, true progress, is showing up for yourself. Learning how to carry love and loss together, learning how to hold joy and sorrow in the same heartbeat. It's not perfection.

SPEAKER_01 17:14

It's persistence and presence and self-compassion.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

As we close, if it feels like everything just came rushing back, pause here. If you can, close your eyes, take a deep breath and inhale slowly.

SPEAKER_01 17:40

Exhale fully. And remind yourself.

SPEAKER_00 17:46

This feeling is here now, but it won't stay forever. I have moved forward even when it doesn't feel like it right.

SPEAKER_01 17:58

And there's nothing wrong with me for feeling this.

SPEAKER_00 18:04

Your grief is not a flaw. It's a reflection of love and depth and connection. Feel the ground beneath your feet.

SPEAKER_01 18:17

Feel your heartbeat, your breath. Even in the heaviness, you are here.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

Alive, moving forward, sometimes painfully, sometimes quietly, sometimes in ways only visible later.

SPEAKER_01 18:42

But you're doing it.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

Grief isn't something you graduate from. It's not a race. Say that all the time. This is not a sprint. This is a marathon. There's no set of rules that tell you when it's over. It's something you learn to integrate, to move with, to carry. Something that reshapes you in ways that people can't always see from the outside. Sometimes movement feels like forward motion. You notice small sparks of life returning, a laugh that surprises you, a moment of peace in a routine you thought would always feel empty, a day when the weight just feels a little bit lighter. And those moments remind you, they're there to remind you that even in grief, life does continue to ripple forward. Other times it feels like being pulled back into the wave, a memory, a date, or even a scent that hits you. You may feel undone, raw, or completely submerged. And yet, even in those moments, you are not stuck. Even when it feels like regression, you are still moving and processing and carrying your love alongside your loss. Both the forward motion and the pullback are a part of the same process. Both are a part of the act of loving someone who is no longer here and proof that your connection to them hasn't ended. It's just changed. Your grief is not a reflection of weakness or a lack of progress. So even on the days when it feels like you've taken 20 steps back, know this, you haven't. Every wave, every tear, every memory, every ache is proof of your resilience. And as time continues, you start to notice the subtle shifts, the moments where the heaviness eases more quickly, where the tears come with release rather than shock, where you can remember with a bittersweet smile instead of a hollow ache. Grief doesn't erase the love you carry. It reshapes it, it stretches it, and sometimes even deepens it. Even in the hard days, even in the moments when you feel like the wave is too big to bear, you are doing the work of living alongside loss. You are learning to navigate life with love that hasn't gone away, to honor absence while still carving space for presence and to move forward in ways that are uniquely yours. If you find yourself in these cycles, okay one moment, overwhelmed the next, you are not alone. And what you're experiencing is the process. If you know someone who might benefit from this episode, please share. And until next time, always be gentle with your heart. Allow yourself the grace to Feel it all. Know that you are not stuck, that you are not going backwards. Big hugs and lots of love. You've been listening to the Widows Collective. I'm Lauren Lentz, and it means so much to me that you spent this time here today. If you found comfort or connection in today's episode, I invite you to please subscribe, leave a rating, or share it with someone who might need a little support. You can also follow me on Instagram at I'm Sorry We're Friends and join my email list at LaurenLentz.com to explore my one-to-one grief coaching, group program, retreats, and other tools designed to help widows navigate loss with understanding and guidance. I hope you'll join me next week for another conversation where we'll continue exploring grief, healing, and ways to reimagine life after loss. I'm sorry you're here, and I'm so grateful that you are. Thank you for being a part of this community. Your presence is an act of courage and self compassion, and I'm honored to walk this path alongside you.