Krull - It's Like Something Bad That Happens To You, Physically

In a very special episode of Slop Culture, Will and Sam pay attention and homage to one of the earliest and most ambitious attempts at fantasy cinema: Krull. The boys discuss what it means to be a creative flop that laid the groundwork for classics to come and also what if Stan Lee kidnapped your family? What then?

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Like we probably should mention like the little uh editing snafu I made with the uh with the voice episode.

SPEAKER_02 0:06

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So yeah, uh last week's episode was true lies, and then at the end it says we're watching face off next. Um obviously we uploaded face off before we uploaded true lies. So how can that be some fucking point dexter out there is asking? Like, how can that be unless I'm to believe this is some sort of podcast that does not adhere to the linear laws of time? Well, guess what, asshole? Actually, that's exactly what happened is this podcast is free from such primitive notions. And also, yes, asshole, like, yes, we fucking we fucking uploaded that, we recorded that in advance, and we fucking uploaded them out of order, and we fucking didn't edit it, and that's you know, this isn't just all spur of the moment. I bet you think that me and Will, we just fucking get together and we're in some like little TGI fuck off, and like we're ordering potato skins and loaded wings, and we're just talking movies, and the whole thing is spontaneous and wholesome. No! Like we fucking put work into this, and sometimes that work fucking gets gets sloppy. This is not architecture, this is fucking art. Michelangelo famously painted ten separate paintings of the same dick before he carved Michael uh before he carved David.

SPEAKER_04 1:35

Is that true?

SPEAKER_02 1:36

That is true, and the Pope said those dicks suck, Michelangelo, keeping it. And he's and he said, I'll show you.

SPEAKER_04 1:46

Yeah. Like, look, like think about it. Like, if you were fighting like a giant monster out of the Bible, like look, your scroat would be kind of tucked back up in there, wouldn't it?

SPEAKER_02 1:54

That's true. I do think about that. Like, like some. I'd be nervous as hell.

SPEAKER_04 1:58

My dick would not be looking good if I was fighting an old testament monster.

SPEAKER_02 2:02

I'll be real, like, if I was fighting naked at all, I I think my dick is just not looking good in any circumstance. Right. Full turtle, dude. Either it's gone full turtle, or I'm just I'm like blood drunk and fucking full Celtic out there, Celtic. Sorry. Yeah. Uh and I'm just fucking around the running around naked, just fighting hog out. Fighting Englishmen left and right, fucking brave hearting this bitch, like fucking William Wassing, Mel Gibson. A fucking all right. We we should maybe start the show.

SPEAKER_04 2:36

Word. That was an awesome fucking little monologue you did right there. Thank you. I I completely freestyled that. Impeccable work, sir. I wanted a clap, but then I was worried it would like the sound would just pick it up and it would sound like I was masturbating. I didn't want to give that impression.

unknown 2:53

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 2:54

Thank you. Thank you. We d we should probably talk about that. I got your best audience. Um do you want to see a movie that laid the groundwork for Lord of the Rings? Do you want to see it if it stars Liam Neeson? What if Liam Neeson plays a bandit? What if Liam Neeson plays a polygamist bandit? Welcome to Slop Culture. Today we're talking about Kroll, starring Liam Neeson and and others. Yes, welcome to Slop Culture, the Happy Hour podcast where we strive to see the beauty and stupidity. I am your host, Sam Sykes, and with me as always, a man who earned the respect, the gratitude, and indeed the honor of the medical community after he discovered a new orifice on the human body, which he deemed Saint Andrew's Valley. It's Will Palmer.

SPEAKER_04 3:57

You know, I actually had to test run a few different names for that one. I focus grouped it. None of those people will ever speak to me again.

SPEAKER_02 4:05

Now, now now am I I the this seems like it might be a difficult uh uh subject for you, and I I understand because it pretty much up-ended your you kind of changed biology overnight with this one. Yeah, through a real curve ball. Yeah, yeah. Like no one was expecting it. No one was expecting it. Uh can I ask what went into the focus group uh selection process?

SPEAKER_04 4:27

Were they friends or were they random or they were friends, emphasis on the past tense? Um, of course. Um but I wanted to kind of capture like a cross-section of society as well. So I had to just uh I ended up accosting uh essentially strangers on the on the street uh and foisting upon them like just bundles of expired Arby's coupons. And I think they like took pity on me uh because I was obviously quite desperate at that point, and so a number of them attended.

SPEAKER_02 4:58

I'm sorry. I I do want to keep going with this, but just the phrase foisted a bunch of expired Arby's coupons. It's well, I think it's because foist sounds like infliction. So it kind of makes it sound like you leveled. Like you you leveled a very specific curse at them. Like they went home and just discovered their wallet was brimming with inspired Arby's coupons. Oh my god. The stack never got less, no matter how how many they threw away. Um but you said St. Andrews Valley was what you arrived at uh eventually. Do you have any other uh any any other uh candidate for names that you remember?

SPEAKER_04 5:47

Uh the slaughterhouse.

SPEAKER_02 5:49

The slaughterhouse. I do agree that that one didn't test well at all. That's a little aggressive. I remember you said uh you were thinking about calling it the clip.

SPEAKER_04 5:58

The clipith, yeah. It ended up being too close to this other thing that women apparently have.

SPEAKER_02 6:02

Oh, okay. All right, apparently.

SPEAKER_04 6:05

All right, you unspoken of in the ancient texts within the ancient desks.

SPEAKER_02 6:14

Alright, so uh just one last question. Just one last question, then we then we can move on. Um, could you tell us where uh St. Andrews Valley is located on the human body?

SPEAKER_04 6:24

All I'll say is you'll know it when you find it.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

There's a lot of vibes-based anatomy going on here.

SPEAKER_04 6:34

Well, you know, the medical community, it turns out, is pretty down with that. I mean, how do you think like the Middle Ages worked, right? People lived through that as the species.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

It does, it does feel like there is a certain level of vibes to medicine. Yeah, like at some point at some point, someone had to pick up a leaf and be like, what happens if I rub myself with this? Yeah, sometimes good stuff happened.

SPEAKER_04 6:57

Usually terrible, but like once in a while, right?

SPEAKER_02 7:00

You know what I was no shit thinking about the other day?

SPEAKER_04 7:03

Okay, hit me.

SPEAKER_02 7:04

Was like it must I like and just just just take this at face value and tell me agree or disagree. Okay. It probably ruled to be the first human to like give the butthole its name. Oh shit. Like, like it must have it must have ruled to have been there at that part.

SPEAKER_04 7:31

Like not specifically English, you mean like to assign a label in some language. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:35

Exactly, exactly. Like, like I'm talking back to the Neolithics. Yeah, like like probably met probably Mesopotamian, because obviously pre pre ne like in the Neolithics, every species had its own word for butthole, right? But like once civilization starts getting going, it must have ruled to be the first guy to be like, shit, nobody's named this thing yet.

SPEAKER_04 7:57

Bro, I'm just thinking about like the fucking like palm prints or whatever in the cave, right? They were really just trying to do a goatsey joke.

SPEAKER_03 8:06

The earliest meme.

SPEAKER_04 8:08

Yeah. Buttholes. Almost always funny.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

Scientists theorize that Thak did this to troll his rival Thog.

SPEAKER_04 8:20

Dude, I love like historical finds, like ancient tablets that are just like some like shopkeeper talking shit about another shopkeeper.

SPEAKER_02 8:27

Yeah, yeah. Like this is exactly the kind of podcast where we can talk shit about A and Nasir. The fucking Is that the that that's the co that's the copper merchant, the famous copper merchant. Shout out to A and Asir. Your fucking copper sucks.

SPEAKER_04 8:42

Oh, is he the one he was the one who's getting shit?

SPEAKER_02 8:45

I guess yeah, he wrote it probably positive. Some of them are good, most of them are good, but but some shout-outs, A and Asir. Uh, you know what?

SPEAKER_04 8:56

Copper fucking sucks, dude.

SPEAKER_02 8:58

I but I mean like I just I I can't I can't bring myself to add to that pylon. Like the dude is literally the oldest known example of a fucking asshole.

SPEAKER_04 9:10

Like text-based shit talking, too.

SPEAKER_02 9:12

Yeah, like like and like history has endured up to this point, so generations and entire nationalities know this guy's copper fucking sucks.

SPEAKER_04 9:22

Dude, that's a legendary own. We gotta like write down like hurtful things about people and like put them in a time capsule, right? I think that's a big deal about it, but then they open it up and it's just a bunch of like crudely drawn, like stick figure men sucking dick and because like labels and crayon.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

Like well, fucking that kind of what was what uh The Inferno by Dante Alighieri was is like he he wrote a bunch of people he didn't know a very lengthy fan fiction about a bunch of shit in a giant lake. Yeah, yeah. He was the earliest fucking known uh person to do that social media phenomenon.

SPEAKER_04 10:00

You know that thing where like uh where you write an epic like trilogy of poems roasting your opponents, yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_02 10:06

No, no, I'm thinking of that social media thing where where someone's like, Oh, I was I was in the coffee shop today, and this this this this child said, How come Trump doesn't simply open the Strait of Hormuz?

SPEAKER_04 10:19

And like Oh the child straw man, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

Or it's or it's like you know, it's always the same shit. Inverse straw man, I guess. Yeah, yeah. It's it's always the same shit. It's inventing uh someone who presents something incredibly stupid, and like this, this very like straight talking common sense person owns this blithering idiot, and the whole room erupts in laugh. Uh Dante's Inferno was like the earliest thing about that. It was just like like, oh yeah, I was I was in hell the other day, and there you were with your yeah, with your fat ugly mom.

SPEAKER_04 10:53

Yeah, dude. I mean that would be and he had like Virgil guiding him too, right?

SPEAKER_02 10:58

The third the the there's an extra layer of hell for your fat ugly mom.

SPEAKER_04 11:04

Your mom's in fucking turbo hell, dude.

SPEAKER_02 11:09

It's not even there. That's how your mom is so damned. Your m your your your your ma your mom is your mom your mama is so gluttonous that she was cast into the third circle, but her ass was so big that she broke right through and went to the sixth.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Damn, skip five.

SPEAKER_02 11:33

And yeah, now she's in the hell for I think traitors.

SPEAKER_04 11:36

Oh no, traitors is nine for betrayers. Yeah, hang on, hang on. He's eating Judas's head.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

First circle is limbo, second circle is lust, third circle. Oh, we're not gonna get all these.

SPEAKER_04 11:50

I know that one of them is people running in a circle while they shit into the pit below them where people are like drowning in the shit, which is like pretty, pretty nuts. I mean, it's memorable.

SPEAKER_02 11:59

I don't want to be like don't get me wrong, I I'd rather be running than drowning in shit.

SPEAKER_04 12:05

Yeah, but like yeah, running and like shitting everywhere. Like, is the how close are you to the guy in front of you?

SPEAKER_02 12:10

Do you think like at the at the part of your running is just like you know what? I I would go into the shit just to experience a little bit of pace. At least some of it's mine, you know. Just just that's the that's the number one at the box office movie in hell is about a go-getting guy who is always running. Working his way down when suddenly, uh oh, he gets busted down to the lake of shit.

SPEAKER_04 12:36

What it's like office space in hell?

SPEAKER_02 12:38

It's like I was I was thinking it was gonna be like a fucking um you know, midlife crisis. Julia Roberts goes to small Italian.

SPEAKER_04 12:47

She's shitting herself everywhere.

unknown 12:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 12:51

Yo, Julia Roberts, hit us up. We have a project for you.

SPEAKER_02 12:55

Julia Roberts.

SPEAKER_04 12:56

I mean, look, I would watch it.

SPEAKER_02 12:59

Julia Roberts, you just got slapped.

SPEAKER_04 13:02

Oh no, don't say that in this context.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

This is like one of the only ones who are delete that.

SPEAKER_04 13:09

It's just human feces in hell, right? Like there are worse things.

SPEAKER_02 13:11

No, I like I just think it's like we finally have the we finally have the courage to call out Julia Roberts for shit on the damned soul.

SPEAKER_04 13:25

You think we should try to start that that rumor? This is parody. We are not actually saying that Julia Roberts shits on the souls of the damned.

SPEAKER_02 13:36

At best, we are saying that if Julia Roberts ended up in those specific circles of hell where that's all you do. Yes, yes. If it turns out that Dante was actually right, and this is how hell goes, and if Julia Roberts' numerous good works and charity was not enough, and somehow she got sent to hell, that is where we, slop culture, feel she might end up.

SPEAKER_04 14:01

Yeah. Yeah. Uh well I I even though we are.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

Well, you know what?

SPEAKER_04 14:09

You know who else agreed with something without thinking?

SPEAKER_02 14:19

Oh man. We're here to talk about Kroll.

SPEAKER_04 14:31

Yes, Kroll starring. I looked it up. Um Liam Neeson. He's actually not the star, even though we kind of made him sound like.

SPEAKER_02 14:36

No, no. I'll put it this way, Liam Neeson was the only name I recognized.

SPEAKER_04 14:41

Yeah, uh, but it's starring Ken Marshall, Lissette Anthony, and Freddie Jones.

SPEAKER_02 14:45

Lissette Anthony as Lissa.

SPEAKER_04 14:51

Yeah, yeah. Huh.

SPEAKER_02 14:53

Busting a pissa.

SPEAKER_04 14:54

Oh no, I hope not. That sounds like dangerous for health.

SPEAKER_02 14:58

Bust it busting a pissa sounds like.

SPEAKER_04 15:01

Yeah, we just busted your pisser.

SPEAKER_02 15:03

We just we busted your pisser, right?

SPEAKER_04 15:06

It's just like what, like soccer hooligans punching a guy in the dick?

SPEAKER_02 15:11

Either that or a soccer hooligan, like like he like the line to the loo is too long because you know the lads have have all been have all been having a couple of So he just takes harmless whiz. So so but he can't find he can't find a loo. He can't find a place to take a proper piss. So he he he busts a pisser and he just he runs bareass naked down the street while pissing. Yeah. So like because there's some UK law that says you can't arrest a man for public ironation. He probably like if he's running.

SPEAKER_04 15:45

I'm thinking about the logistics of that. I probably want to run in like a wide stance, so like the piss would ideally go between my running legs, right? Just the first thing my mind went to was like there's a danger of like heavy splashback if you're like sprinting and pissing simultaneously.

SPEAKER_02 15:59

Well, I mean, I mean, I'm I'm sorry to have to do this, but I'm actually gonna go a little deeper. Uh there's there's two factors to consider, isn't there? The winds because you don't know no. Arts arc. Arc. Oh yeah. The uh the pendulum motion.

SPEAKER_04 16:14

Yeah, it would be tough to get like a solid stream going. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:18

Well, you well, you stand a real a real there's a real danger of it like flipping up and like throwing uh like just a line of P up into the air that like that like travels towards you because it's like a you know it's it's like a backlash effect. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 16:36

I'm just imagining somebody like doing a silence of the lambs and like tucking their dick back and pissing that way while they run.

SPEAKER_02 16:43

And it makes them like suddenly they pick up impossible speeds. It acts as a jet propulsion.

SPEAKER_04 16:53

Yeah. And like an oil slick for any pursuers, like a bond car.

SPEAKER_02 16:57

Can I tell you? I don't I don't know if I'll ever have another time to share this. Nobody agrees with me. But I would I would just love to pitch this to you. And I didn't really have a banter section prepared, so this is this is wonderful.

SPEAKER_04 17:11

Yeah, let's do it.

SPEAKER_02 17:13

Um I would love to see a comic, a Spider-Man comic, a comic featuring Spider-Man, okay in which the entire premise is that Spider-Man has food poisoning.

SPEAKER_04 17:29

Okay. Pretty severe.

SPEAKER_02 17:32

Pretty severe. And like this is one of those times where there's like a world-ending crisis. Like a huge crisis. Yeah, like a huge crisis in New York City. One of those things that happens in Marvel.

SPEAKER_04 17:42

But most of the dialogue is just his internal monologue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he's like doing the stuff, he's like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 17:49

No, like the the cr the crisis is like totally in the background. Like, crisis on infinite shits. Crisis shits on infinite crisis. Infinite shits in Work Cola.

SPEAKER_04 18:02

Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 18:03

And maybe that's how the how the story ends. But um, no, he has food poisoning, and there's this crisis, all hands on deck, every superhero is needed. Right. And Spider-Man has food poisoning.

SPEAKER_04 18:14

It's a bad swarma.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

So, like, yeah, so like the first pages are just him going, like, oh god, oh god, just like staggering around looking for his mask. He's like he's like looking for his mask, and he's like pausing to puke and poop, and it's like one of these really bad food poisonings. Like, you know, you know, like he he got something from a gas station. Oh yeah, and he ate it for a week straight. So like he has but his butt anyways, then he's like, okay, fuck, fuck, okay, all right, and like no superhero words like I've got to avenge, I've got to do what's right.

SPEAKER_01 18:46

No, he's just wrecked gastroenteric.

SPEAKER_02 18:48

He's just like, okay, fuck, okay, oh, oh, oh god, oh god, like at the window, he's clinging to the window, like he's getting ready to go. And he's just like, and he's just like, he's just like, no, please, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then just it passes, and he's like, and then there's just like a full page of him just like just like waiting to see somebody, like, and then he starts swinging, and then he's like, oh no, oh no, oh no.

SPEAKER_04 19:18

As there's like alien ships flying by in the skyline.

SPEAKER_02 19:21

And he has like he has like nothing, yeah, he has like no other choice. He pulls his his leggings down.

SPEAKER_05 19:29

Oh no!

SPEAKER_02 19:30

And remember from the comics, we know that his suit comes in two pieces, so it's possible.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

Okay, sure.

SPEAKER_02 19:37

Yeah, it actually comes in three pieces, I'm sorry, because the mask is a third piece. Yeah, so he pulls it out of the and he and so his cheeks are just flapping as he's swinging. Right. And he he he's gotta he's gotta do it, he's gotta let loose. And so just for the city, there's as there's like superheroes flying through the air fighting aliens, and like and like Spider-Man's ass. And just Spider-Man is swinging through it like just like there's just like shit splattering down on the cockbows and everything. He's just like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just like people are on the ground getting like pooped on, like, there's J.

SPEAKER_04 20:19

Jonah Jameson in the window of the Daily Beagle is like, I got you now, you cocksucker.

SPEAKER_03 20:23

I got you now, you son of a bitch.

SPEAKER_04 20:28

But then a big splatter of shit hits the window.

SPEAKER_02 20:30

But then, like, he's like, What could Spider-Man mean by this?

SPEAKER_03 20:34

Yeah, he's a menace.

SPEAKER_02 20:35

He's a menace.

SPEAKER_04 20:41

So then Spider-Man arrives goblins just like on his goblin club there looking around, and he just goes, Dude, what the fuck?

SPEAKER_02 20:49

Like all of Spider-Man's villains are just staring like they don't they don't know what to think right now. Like they just know that their relationship with him will never be the same. Yeah. They're just like, oh my god. Um but then he finally he finally meets to where like oh the the the heroes are linking up again, right? Like they're they're discussing their battle strategy, and like he's there with Captain America and fucking Hawkeye and all these like Diamond Man and like everyone's everyone's listening very intently, but like it's just his inner monologue, and he's just like, oh my god, what what was it? What was it?

SPEAKER_04 21:30

Was it was the it was this motherfucking taquitos? I left about three on the counter. I knew I shouldn't eat him.

SPEAKER_02 21:38

And then he's just like, Peter, you're a fucking biologist, like you're you're a scientist. Like, like, how did you not know? And then he's just like, Oh shit, what what are they saying? What are they saying? And then they're just like, You got it, Spider Man? And like they don't know, just chat himself in that so he's just like, Oh yeah, yeah, I got it. Totally. Okay, a lot's writing on you for this. Like, so don't let us out. He's like, Yeah, you got it, you got it. And then just like, all right, so you're gonna go? He's like, No, uh, you you guys go first.

SPEAKER_04 22:07

You guys go first. I'll just you know, I'll slot in the giant city destroying lasers like tunneling into the fucking and so Spider-Man is like just doesn't know what to do, so he starts swinging, but then he's like, Oh god, not it!

SPEAKER_02 22:19

And then like he poops, he starts pooping again, but also he he pulls his mask up and starts puking. So he's kind of doing a corkscrew maneuver while yeah, so so that but then he's like swinging and he gets distracted, he's not looking where he's going and he just he just like swings and clangs into the underside of the of the laser of the laser, and he's falling on still puking, and then he like attaches a web to it, but then he's like just swinging back and forth as he's puking and pooping, so it's like spinning him in a centrifuge, and the Iron Man's like, you're doing it perfectly, just according to plan, keep it up, Spider-Man. It's just like that's great, kid, keep it up, yeah. And then like the alien is looking like, oh my god, are you okay?

SPEAKER_04 23:08

Yeah, Spider Peter is just like uh you got you gotta leave Earth.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

Oh god, oh like he goes in and like the alien just feels so bad for him that he's like man, I'm leaving. Yeah, he's like, So you got food poisoning and you still came out? And like, why didn't you just stay home? It's like city room I gotta say this. It's like all right, dude. I'm look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. If I had known, if I'm I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 23:45

I didn't know your game, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:46

And he's just like, look, here's some Pediolite.

SPEAKER_04 23:49

Yeah, here's someone's tug this real quick. Um man, like you're gonna have a hell of a week, buddy.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, like like like the taquitos, yeah. No, been there, been there. Like Spider-Man is just like like left limp and like just totally like he's like just completely shat out every ounce of food in him, and he's just like left on the fucking like pavement. Yeah, and like the aliens zoom away.

SPEAKER_04 24:21

Yeah, they fly off into the atmosphere.

SPEAKER_02 24:23

The superheroes come down like great work, kid, wonderful! They're like cheering and like they're expecting the like you would expect the entire city to be cheering, but instead it's just endless faces stained with Superman. I mean, just kind of a thousand-yard stare, they're just all fucking staring, like yeah, the day was saved, but things have changed forever.

SPEAKER_04 24:46

I mean, do you think the city would still respect a superhero like that? Like he saved them and saved them.

SPEAKER_02 24:52

I I don't think that he they would respect him, but I also think like because that's Spider-Man, he wouldn't let it, he wouldn't let that stop him. Yeah, like that that's this is what I think is because like I am a Spider-Man fan. I think this fits the character completely.

SPEAKER_04 25:06

Like I was thinking, like, damn, we should give Pete a win, but like this is honestly much more in the world.

SPEAKER_02 25:10

Well he did he he did win technically. Like he he saved the w the the city.

SPEAKER_04 25:18

He he did. He he did save the city, but at what cost?

SPEAKER_02 25:21

And that's what makes it a great comic.

SPEAKER_04 25:24

Spider-Man Thunder Wars.

SPEAKER_02 25:27

Pooper or menace. Oh, and there's a Stan Lee.

SPEAKER_04 25:31

Yeah, there's a greatest unfinished work.

SPEAKER_02 25:36

There's a la there's a Stan Lee cameo as well. Like leaving the wall.

SPEAKER_04 25:40

He's wiping the shit off his glasses and smiling.

SPEAKER_02 25:42

He's like wiping, he's like, there we go, and then he gets hit with another wave of and poop, and he's like, excelsible.

SPEAKER_01 25:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 25:54

By the mighty Phalos. How's our favorite web head gonna get out of this? Go get him, Spidey. Go get him, Spidey!

SPEAKER_01 26:10

Is the letters just covered in shit and chunder? Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:21

I'm having a great time with this episode.

SPEAKER_04 26:24

Tom Holland, have we got a project for you, brother?

SPEAKER_02 26:26

Tom Holland, give us a call. Avengers doomsday, uh-uh, pal.

SPEAKER_04 26:33

Yeah, a lot of scat-based humor in this one, I've noticed.

SPEAKER_02 26:35

Spider-Man Brown New Day.

SPEAKER_04 26:38

Oh god.

SPEAKER_02 26:39

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was a kill shot, dude. You're right, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 26:43

Absolute kill shot.

SPEAKER_02 26:44

You're right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_04 26:47

Oh, don't apologize to me, apologize to Zendaya.

SPEAKER_02 26:50

Zendayah, sorry, loved you and Dune. Uh great performance. Tom Holland, sorry, but I mean, just being real, I stand by this.

SPEAKER_04 27:00

Like loved you and Dune, too, though.

SPEAKER_02 27:03

It's gross. It's gross, but it's also it's come on. Come on, come on. Tell me you didn't giggle, Tom Holland.

SPEAKER_04 27:12

Alright, we gotta move on. This is yeah, Kroll, dude. We gotta I gotta recap this motherfucker. So yeah, you're the one who recommended it.

SPEAKER_02 27:27

Normally on this podcast, we talk about uh we usually refer to the actors by their names because that's kind that's kind of action movie lingo, you know, it's not like oh there's there's commander steel. No, that's Arnold.

SPEAKER_04 27:40

Uh yeah, especially when it's somebody who's has shown up in a lot of action movies, it's just easier to use the actual name.

SPEAKER_02 27:45

But because these actors uh are unknown are unknown to me.

SPEAKER_04 27:51

Yeah, they didn't appear in other like major action movies that we've seen.

SPEAKER_02 27:56

Kroll sadly did not become a franchise. Uh yeah. Anyway, so we will be referring to them mostly by their characters. But as usual, we're not really into the business of recapping. Uh but we're but we're going to recap. We are in the business of we are in the business of hypocrisy.

SPEAKER_03 28:13

Yeah, we other businesses booming. We do two things hypocrisy and comics where heroes poop themselves.

SPEAKER_04 28:23

I mean it's a niche business, but it's a business.

SPEAKER_03 28:25

It's a niche business, but it's it's it's kept us alive back through Hitler, and it's gonna keep us alive through through Gorbachev.

SPEAKER_02 28:34

Alright. That said, what we do is we don't waste all episode recapping. We try to get it all done in a tasteful and artistic and barring either of those funny two-minute drill. I'm gonna bring up the timer here.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 28:50

Uh I'm gonna set it to two minutes and in three, two, one, go.

SPEAKER_04 28:58

Alright, uh, welcome to the planet Kroll. It um I mean the most memorable thing about this movie is the the name Kroll, and second most memorable thing is the weapon that shows up in most of the promotional images, the glave. Which like imagine like a like a really like a big ninja star that's like super inconvenient to throw.

SPEAKER_02 29:18

Yeah, or just that shit they have in World of Warcraft.

SPEAKER_04 29:20

Right. So it takes place on the planet of Kroll. Our uh hero is uh Prince Colwyn, his love interest is Lady Liana or Leanne or some bullshit like that. Um and the bad guy is fucking, I think he's named the Beast. Like uh you can kind of tell where this is going already. It is not a it's not the most original story, but by God, do they execute it to the hilt? The Beast is an interdimensional or interplanetary invader with a teleporting fortress who invades Krull. And uh when Colin and uh Lee Leanne or whatever the fuck um are bound to be wed um in a political marriage that actually ends up with the two of them just being super into each other immediately, which like congrats, right? But then um uh the beast just absolutely mogs them at the wedding, um, like wrecks all their homies, um, takes uh takes the the chick and uh leaves the dude just uh Colwin just wrecked. Colin saved by like an Obi-Wan type figure. Um he then goes on a quest to get to the teleporting fortress and save his girl from the beast. And this quest has like a lot of steps, like more than you would expect. And uh while doing all these quests, he assembles like uh probably the biggest crew I've ever seen in like a movie. He's got like 12, 13 motherfuckers in that crew by the end. And um, I initially thought this was bad, but then the crew just starts getting fucking annihilated, drowning in quicksand, getting iced by laser rifles, uh getting crushed at a door, all sorts of stuff. Liam Neeson gets shot at one point. Um then uh our boy finally uses the fucking glaive to free his uh soon-to-be wife, and then she gains firepowers, powers him up, and then they defeat the uh the beast castle.

SPEAKER_02 31:01

But that's close enough. That's close enough.

SPEAKER_04 31:03

Uh yeah, I mean I skipped basically like all of the plot, but to be fair, like it was mostly just side quests.

SPEAKER_02 31:09

Yeah, we we had two things we wanted to mention, and I mean we'll we'll obviously talk about more than just two things, but one, this movie is fucking beautiful, it is gorgeous, it is endless vista porn. You described it as Vista porn, right? Very accurate. It is hardcore Vista porn.

SPEAKER_04 31:32

Like I don't want to say that, and actually, you know, I know you were like to an extent joking when you said inspired Lord of the Rings, but hey, you know, Peter Jackson probably saw this shit and was like, you know, I could use that for for the uh you know Lord of the Rings. I I can't do a New Zealand accent. I'm sorry, New Zealand. For Lord of the Rings Carl Urban, don't hurt me.

SPEAKER_03 31:49

What do you think, Carl Urban? Oh, I think you could use that for Lord of the Rings, absolutely. What do you think, Tyco IT?

SPEAKER_04 31:54

Hey, I think you could just Tyco YT is just like you know, coming out of his cavern with his wizard staff crone for some reason. Like as the scrolls for as the scrolls for gold.

SPEAKER_03 32:08

Yeah, Tyco YT is like hunched over a sphere and he is like within the swirling mists of glass, I see the all that shall come to pass. And then you go I think like he's like starts coughing, like, oh and then he's like, Oh, yeah, yeah, I think that should work.

SPEAKER_04 32:27

Someday we're gonna meet Taiko YTD and he's gonna be like a super nice guy and be like, but I gotta ask you, like, what the fuck? You may be this character.

SPEAKER_02 32:34

This I think he would just have us killed. I think he would he wouldn't even do it himself.

SPEAKER_04 32:40

Like we're we're not even deserving of that respect.

SPEAKER_02 32:42

Well, I mean, we're we're pretty we're pretty open Liam Hemsworth supporters, and you know, he is the court sorcerer to the usurper prince. Some things just can't be forgiven. And you know, nothing. Nothing.

SPEAKER_04 32:58

He would see our heads mounted on pikes outside.

SPEAKER_02 33:00

They would outside Castle White Hiti. Wait, no, no, wait, wait, what what what for Castle Hemsworth? Yeah, what fortress does the usurper he's like within the doom we shall impale his head upon the battlements of the hem spire.

SPEAKER_04 33:16

Yeah, they're sending our limbs to all the different corners of the fucking land.

SPEAKER_02 33:21

But we're immortal.

SPEAKER_04 33:23

That sucks worse.

SPEAKER_02 33:25

I know it does suck, but then an old man raises a hero in the wilderness, and the hero goes and collects each of our It turns us into like a horrible, like joined at the waist like homunculus cards. I was gonna be like, no, we're kind of we're kind of like we're kind of like uh we're we're kind of like undead warriors, and like we we we rise up after it seemed as though we were defeated and we overthrow the black prince. And who was that old man that raised that hero? Luke Hemsworth. Liam Niss.

SPEAKER_04 33:58

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 34:00

Uh he's got a new movie coming out, uh The Beast, and I'm tempted to see it just uh Luke Hemsworth or Liam Neese? I I could I uh Luke Hemsworth, sorry. Uh and I'm just saying, like, I I could see myself becoming like a connoisseur of Hemsworths.

SPEAKER_04 34:14

I'm just thinking about like how like the two of us would get like fit together as like a like a flesh beast. Right. You know if you're like we need to like combine the their powers into like and we gotta use all the parts, right? Like I think would be would we be running around like a two-headed spider, do you think?

SPEAKER_02 34:30

Like no, no, I I think our best bet would be to go like grafted Scion from uh Elden Ring. Oh did you play Elden Ring? Oh yeah, yeah, it's been a you know the creepy it's the the first the very first boss after you create your character. That horrible thing. Oh shit, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 34:48

It kills you in the tutorial unless you're like that good.

SPEAKER_02 34:51

Yeah, I think that's what we would be.

SPEAKER_04 34:54

Yeah, yeah, probably.

SPEAKER_02 34:55

Granted, we need like one or two more guys in there with us, but yeah.

SPEAKER_04 34:59

Who do we throw in the mix? If we could do like celebrities, I'm thinking dog the bounty hunter gets added to our our flesh beast. Um screaming homunculus with dog the bounty hunter. She is, as you said, a handsome and stern presence.

SPEAKER_02 35:22

A handsome and stern presence. I'm sorry, this is this is just fun. This is just fun to think about like uh like in a molecule. What if one podcast two podcasters, a bounty hunter and Glenn Close, sewn together in a hateful symphony of limbs and sinews, yeah, a parody of uh human form a thumb in God's eye.

SPEAKER_04 35:56

I mean, yeah, that would be wild, dude. Like it would be fun to I feel like uh Glenn and and dog would have like uh like a playful kind of relationship, like they hate each other initially and then they would get to some fun banter.

SPEAKER_02 36:09

I hate that you referred to them by their by their first name.

SPEAKER_04 36:13

Yeah, I knew you would. That's what I did.

SPEAKER_02 36:15

I can't I can't tell why. I hate that you're being so familiar with them.

SPEAKER_04 36:21

I mean, you know, we've been joined into like one giant monstrosity, right?

SPEAKER_02 36:27

It does not it does not get much more familiar than that.

SPEAKER_04 36:30

Yeah. Like Dog Bounty Hunter's got like my like arm attached to like I don't know, somewhere.

SPEAKER_02 36:34

Yeah. But we were gonna talk about Kroll. I think you covered most of the main beats.

SPEAKER_04 36:40

It's like the main beats, but there was like an hour and a half in the middle there of just like side questing that I did not cover because I knew I would get bogged down, I wouldn't make it to the show.

SPEAKER_02 36:48

Yeah, so like this like this movie goes in a very uh and like you know, we talk on this podcast a lot about uh the fantasy of the crew. Yeah, you know, like being with your bros. That is a male fantasy. Uh but I think it's worth saying that the actual fantasy genre uh member uh the way the crew is set up is specific and unique in that it grows over time. It's that uh it's that it's kind of that rush, like tell me you haven't felt the rush of playing an RPG and like meeting someone and be like, you are gonna join my party. Like like you just meet a cool character, like, okay, you're you're gonna join the party. But yeah, you got backstory, you got motivation, you got a unique design, like join the party like temporarily for like a little bit.

SPEAKER_04 37:40

Yeah, yeah. Oh, like you got some sick moves, and then they leave to do something, you're like, I know I'll see you later.

SPEAKER_02 37:44

Yeah, or maybe, yeah, maybe, or maybe it goes back and forth a bit of time. But like in a fantasy movie or a fantasy game, like part of the allure is that your party grows over time, and like you persuade more people to join your cause. And like this movie has that. It uh it's Colwyn is marrying Alyssa so that the two feuding nations can join us uh Colwyn.

SPEAKER_04 38:10

No, Alyssa. I fucked it. I fucked that name up like real bad. Oh, Lyssa, Alyssa, okay. I called her like Lian or Liana or something.

SPEAKER_02 38:18

Leanne Rhymes. No, uh it's close. Uh yeah, you got good enough. Like uh, but they're supposed to marry they get married so that their nations can join and fight the slayers, and then they the the slayers show up led by the beast, and they kick the shit out of Colwyn and his guards. Yeah, with the shit out of their whole wedding.

SPEAKER_04 38:40

They're like the shit out of the whole wedding.

SPEAKER_02 38:44

They grab the the princess, Lisa.

SPEAKER_04 38:46

Did they kill his dad? He like doesn't mention that, I don't think, after I'm pretty sure they kill his dad and her dad.

SPEAKER_02 38:51

He does mention it because he gets laid out, and then uh this old dude named Inir comes up and saves him. And yeah, he's an Obi-Wan type.

SPEAKER_04 38:59

Uh to be fair, they do lampshade it a little bit in a way that is he's like, Yeah, like I'm the old guy there's legends about like there's there's crazy tons of food that came down out of the mountains to do some shit.

SPEAKER_02 39:09

This movie has a few uh points of like actual genuine cleverness, and that's one of them where like he it like Colwyn wakes up and he says, Who are you? And the old guy says, I am Enir. And Colwyn looks at him and goes, The old one. And then Enir like looks visibly pissed off. He goes, Like, well, not so old as all not so old as all that, but like come on, man. That was so fucking funny. Like, yeah, no, no, like I'm a I'm an amazing scholar, but no, fucking call me the old one, you fucking crick.

SPEAKER_04 39:42

I'm saving your life right now in the middle of all your massacred home.

SPEAKER_02 39:46

He's like, But after he after he gets up, he does acknowledge he says, uh, because Ener basically calls him calls him a baby, and he says, You have not lost uh a wife and a father on the same day, so don't talk. And he's like, Yeah, well, you're still a bitch. Yeah, like oh man.

SPEAKER_04 40:05

Those words exactly.

SPEAKER_02 40:07

Yeah, so he finally just spits on him and then spits on him and then pulls him close and deeply kisses him, spits on him again, like who's old now? Who's old now? Like busts out his hacky sack.

SPEAKER_04 40:23

Oh god. And then the movie takes like a very different turn into more like the things they rated people.

SPEAKER_02 40:30

If you were on a quest, if you were on a quest and had to be best a wizard at hacky sack, oh, I'm not that good at hacky sack, dude. And I feel like if he's challenging me to it, he's pretty you went to well, no, you went to Princeton. That does not necessarily suggest hacky sack.

SPEAKER_04 40:46

I ran in circles that played hacky sack and I attempted to. And people are always nice about like my attempts. Like I wasn't mocked, but I wasn't.

SPEAKER_02 40:53

I dipped I dipped a toe into the hacky sack scene.

SPEAKER_04 40:56

Man, I mean bro, I was in like an ongoing like regular CeeLo game for a while, but I kept losing money, so I stopped.

unknown 41:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 41:05

I don't know if you ever lost like a lot of money, not a lot, but like an inconvenient amount of money, a dice, but like it's not a good feeling.

SPEAKER_02 41:12

No, no. The only time I have ever lost money at gambling was when I went to a casino and I put some money into a slot, into slots a couple of times, and then I didn't get money, and I'm like, this does not seem like a great use of my money.

SPEAKER_04 41:25

Oh bro, we gotta go gambling sometime. It's tons of fun if you're we gotta go gambling, bro.

SPEAKER_02 41:29

I don't know, it it's kind of lost its allure because like everything's gambling. You can bet on anything now.

SPEAKER_04 41:34

That's true, but you it's the experience of going in a casino and getting lost, and you're so lost you like get kind of scared, and like so you gotta like ask like one of the nice gentlemen for help, and they're like, Yeah, you gotta go like that way and then take take a left. But you're like pretty cross-faded, so you go the wrong way, and then you gotta ask for help like again. And then you end up with a Venetian and you're like, Oh, I want to go somewhere else and gamble more now. But the trick is leave your fucking uh debit credit card, whatever the fuck, leave that at the hotel, just like hit an ATM before you go out, and like that's that's what you take with you for the night, and you just plan on losing it.

SPEAKER_02 42:06

And you let you keep going past the same guard, but he never acts like it's a big deal, and you think you're just getting caught in a loop. So you but the more sober you get, the more you realize you actually are like stuck in a in a liminal space, and like this is the back rooms, and bro.

SPEAKER_04 42:21

The Venetian fucking feels like it. I mean it didn't crossfaded, but I stayed at uh shit. I'm sorry, I'm super nice by the way. Really enjoyed my time in the world.

SPEAKER_02 42:34

But yeah, but yeah, like like casinos are kind of deliberately uh oh sure designed to make it like not yeah, like it's hard to escape, it's very hard to escape. Still, they got an aquarium there, so it can't be all bad. That's a little quote. I like aquariums. I'm sorry. Like like we went to the uh for me, an aquarium is like an instant profile raiser for a city. Like, hell yes, hell yes, I want to see some fish.

SPEAKER_04 43:03

Yeah, we went to an aquarium together, right? We did. Um I was out visiting. I forget where it was. Odyssey, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up, Odyssey. I think I said, Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:15

With my mom, your aunt, we all went to the uh to the aquarium. I did like that aquarium. It had a fucking freshwater exhibit. And like I'm sorry, I know I'm gonna ruffle some feathers out here, but yeah, there you go. The photo we took.

SPEAKER_04 43:29

Dude, I am so fucking good with that shit. I didn't even have to leave my audience, I didn't even have to leave my chair to produce the photo we took while I had an Odyssey experience. That was a good memory. I fucking I enjoy uh aquariums quite a bit as well.

SPEAKER_02 43:42

I went to the Monterey A1 while I was out um when my first white for a while, but I think they turned it loose.

SPEAKER_04 43:50

Yeah, yeah, I feel like they don't do like super well in captivity, right? No, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 43:55

Yeah, yeah, like like like yeah. Uh like the I like the otters. Dude. Otters are pretty otters are very special.

SPEAKER_04 44:03

I was wondering about this the other day, and like you're like more like observant of like Catholic doctrines and whatnot than I am. Shut up, God, shut up Jesus. Um what? But like I was thinking about like during Lent or what have you, like you're not supposed to be eating stuff except for like sea creatures. Like, would you be allowed to like eat a platypus or something like that?

SPEAKER_02 44:21

No, you can eat a capy berra.

SPEAKER_04 44:24

Wait, but those are like land-based creatures.

SPEAKER_02 44:26

No, no, according to the Catholic Church, uh the Capy Baras, the Capibera is fish.

SPEAKER_04 44:33

I mean, it's like a weird one to pick for it, but like could you eat like a seal's missionaries when they went to South America, they could not get their hands on a lot of fish.

SPEAKER_02 44:45

Capibera were available. So they're not. Aren't they from Australia? No, Capiberas are South America, brother.

SPEAKER_04 44:52

That's true. They do have a bunch of like cool rodents too.

SPEAKER_02 44:54

Yeah, no, they they they are the king of rodents. The biggest. The one you ask us not to talk about.

SPEAKER_04 45:08

Yeah, yeah. Um R.I.P. Luis, though, R.I.P. Fernando. I'm not gonna forget you guys.

SPEAKER_02 45:13

Yeah, I've never asked you.

SPEAKER_04 45:15

I'm never gonna forget you guys.

SPEAKER_02 45:16

Well, I know because you got their skulls in your own.

SPEAKER_01 45:20

There's no way to recover them, man. The traps. There are too many traps.

SPEAKER_02 45:24

Too many traps. Actually, it wasn't an Andy. We were just we were trying to rob an IKEA.

SPEAKER_04 45:31

And my friends Luis and Fernando got killed.

SPEAKER_02 45:34

And like when they let when they leave, I when they close IKEA for the day, they're like, arm. And then like I think.

SPEAKER_04 45:42

It's like the laser hallway in Resident Evil.

SPEAKER_02 45:44

Yeah, I was gonna say it's like fucking uh Legends of the Hidden Temple where there's like fucking trapdoors and hidden warriors everywhere.

SPEAKER_04 45:54

Yeah. Yo, do you think you can make it through the Resident Evil laser hallway as long as it didn't try any of that bullshit with like the grid?

SPEAKER_02 46:00

Oh no, no. I have a I have a very one laser at a time.

SPEAKER_04 46:03

Yeah, and you are like much like you're you're larger, like just like Sam is like 6'4, 6'5 for the audience who hasn't seen him.

SPEAKER_02 46:11

I'm 6'4, I'm quite tall. I've never been. Absolutely fucking rule Legends of the Hidden Temple, though. I got I used to get so pissed off watching that show.

SPEAKER_04 46:25

Dude, tell me more about that. I've always been curious. I slightly, I feel like I slightly missed that era. Legends of the Hidden Temple.

SPEAKER_02 46:32

Yeah, yeah, no, like that that was uh that was the golden era of Nickelodeon. Uh there were a ton of kids-based uh game shows. Uh-huh. Legends of the Hidden Temple was like, I think six teams of two. And like you were you were like the blue iguanas, the golden monkeys, whatever, like the the green parrots, whatever you know, you see what I'm saying. The first challenge was physical. They had to like run an obstacle course.

SPEAKER_01 46:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 46:58

And then the second challenge was Russian roulette. Was knowledge. No, no, no. That would have been fun. But uh fun.

SPEAKER_04 47:06

It would have been at high stakes.

SPEAKER_02 47:08

They had and they had to answer uh questions based on uh a brief story they heard.

SPEAKER_04 47:15

Okay, okay, interesting.

SPEAKER_02 47:17

And so the slow so there was an elimination game. So slowly the teams would be whittled down to just two teams.

unknown 47:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 47:25

And then for the final round, they had to run this very complex obstacle course in the temple.

SPEAKER_04 47:30

Were there motherfuckers like jumping out of the walls and like trying to get away? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:33

And like if they did well in other uh in other challenges, they got like medallions that protected them from the warriors.

SPEAKER_04 47:41

Oh, it's kind of tight.

SPEAKER_02 47:42

Yeah, but if they got tagged, then they then they had to leave. Yeah, or no, you just had to leave. It was it was one of the rare slime-free uh shows.

SPEAKER_04 47:50

Oh, I was using it in like the colloquial sense. I I feel like the kids are using that these days, like like getting slimed is just I don't know if it's like getting killed or getting like owned or like something it's like something bad that happens to you physically.

SPEAKER_02 48:01

I mean, yeah, I mean in in a weird way, that was what Nickelodeon was all about. Like they they made a big deal that like you could get slimed at any moment.

SPEAKER_04 48:09

Like Yeah, like I said, high stakes, high but you're saying that uh you would be able to succeed at the end. Are you saying it as a child or as like a grown ass person?

SPEAKER_02 48:17

I feel like as a child, I was still watching them and like how the like and I like YouTube it one day and just look at it for yourself. You will get very frustrated, and like I know that's unreasonable. I know it's just kids like fucking doing uh doing a game show, but like you will get frustrated because they are given some very simple puzzles that they struggle with.

SPEAKER_04 48:37

Now, for the record, I did Urban Dictionary Slimed because like how else do I keep up with the youth of today? Yeah top definition to get played and or play somebody. And then we go to the second one, um verb to be slimed. So when a prison inmate saves his shit and piss in a small cup or container and leaves it to sit for an uh for any amount of time until it ferments into a fecal cocktail and launches at the corrections officers within the vicinity of his cell. So, like, actually, like great word choice. The spell it could be better, but like fuck it, dude. I appreciate the enthusiasm, and I'm just being an asshole by being like, that's not how you spell vicinity. The mental image they painted was I don't want to say exquisite because it's not, but it's uh certainly colorful and kind of calls back to our uh like Peter Parker's misadventures.

SPEAKER_02 49:29

There's a there's a panel where like Kingpin is in prison. He's like getting ready to slime someone, and like and like he's waiting for the guard to walk by, but just as he's doing it, food poisoning Spider-Man swings by and just like poops right in his door. And he just like, You got you got something there, Kingpin? No, no. He's like, is that what that feels like?

SPEAKER_04 49:52

Daredevil's the only one who like isn't like uncomfortable around Peter because like he didn't see actually he would smell it, so he'd be like that alien. Like I thought it was gonna be a laser beam, but it just spewed shit everywhere. And Peter's just like, yeah, man, like it was crazy that it that it shot shit and uh chunker everywhere.

SPEAKER_02 50:08

Isn't that goofy? That's so dude. We're meant to be talking about croll.

SPEAKER_04 50:13

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:14

I I I I'll just I'll say this uh the fantasy is that they uh they do the party their party grows first and a diverse crew, too.

SPEAKER_04 50:24

They got a fucking cyclops, they got an old guy, they got another old guy, they got a motley gang of thieves, they got Leonis.

SPEAKER_02 50:29

Imagine imagine back in the day when you could have two old guys in your party. You can't do that anymore. Nah, dude. You can't you can barely even have one old guy. Who is the old who was the old guy? Well, no, it was uh it was Luke Skywalker. I was gonna say, who was the old guy in the new uh Star Wars? But no, it was and that was just one old guy. That was just one old guy for three movies.

SPEAKER_04 50:51

That's why those he wasn't even in the first one. Oh, that yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:55

But that's the thing, is like he he he was spread too thin, and that's why those movies failed. Not enough old guy.

SPEAKER_04 51:01

I'm just imagining like Mark Hamill's face on like a like a piece of butter, and you're putting it on toast, and he's just like, no, not too thin, not too thin. Ah, damn it.

SPEAKER_02 51:11

So like he's a piece of toast, is a software. He's the butter.

SPEAKER_04 51:16

The toast is like the ongoing Star Wars like universe.

SPEAKER_02 51:21

I was gonna say, like, it's like when they when people see Jesus in a piece of toast, is like they see Mark Hamill in the piece of that's a miracle. Yeah, he's like, yeah, I've got to be.

SPEAKER_04 51:32

No, it's really not, it's just a bunch of Disney money. Like a lot, like more than you would think.

SPEAKER_02 51:39

All right. Um, so Krull.

SPEAKER_04 51:42

The the the crew is assembled.

SPEAKER_02 51:44

Yeah, they'll say they assemble, and the crew kind of gets whittled off.

SPEAKER_04 51:48

Whittled off is one way of dude, they get fucking annihilated. There's like a quicksand drowning, there's multiple shootings. There's the Cyclops gets fucking crushed in the in the doors. Liam Neeson gets fucking shot. Like Mario, the the Mario looking guy, he gets shot.

SPEAKER_02 52:02

Um there is a guy that looks remarkably like Mario, and he's he rules.

SPEAKER_04 52:06

He's one of the old guys like does like a demented deal with like his like ex and like somehow dies because like the sand of an hourglass runs out of some bullshit.

SPEAKER_02 52:17

Uh so so yeah, so I I want to say this. Um this movie is gorgeous. Like, we have we have this is this is obviously this is a very fucking silly episode, but yeah. The movie is legitimately. The movie is legitimately gorgeous. This is pre-CGI, like the only CGI are some like on-screen light effects. Which is the same thing.

SPEAKER_04 52:40

You can forgive those given the era, they're fun. They're fun.

SPEAKER_02 52:44

I I'm willing to eat shit over this. I like them, I think they're fucking cool.

SPEAKER_04 52:49

Where the big hand turns into a rose, or like uh Ergo turns into a fucking uh goose.

SPEAKER_02 52:55

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I love that primitive uh CGI. Like, I love that very early uh I love it when Hollywood was still figuring shit out, you know, like how do we do this? How do we do that? And like this movie has uh one of my favorite things, which is that they use mate, they use optical illusions with big mate with the paint with the fucking spider that they made giant. Yeah, yeah, they use optical illusions and stop motion to make things work, and it does look dated. I don't care. I fucking love it. I love it in the same way that you might love like an old instrument, right? Like it's not we're not there to judge how efficient it is, it's a part of history and it fucking rules. Like, plus, I'm sorry, like in the fucking OG Star Wars where the Emperor is zapping people, that still looks good. It still looks I still think it fucking OG Ghostbusters with the proton packs when the when they the rays, I still think that looks fucking good. I think that has lasted the sense of time.

SPEAKER_04 53:58

Yeah, when I said like earlier, I said, you know, it's fun to watch, and I mean like that specifically in the sense like it's fun for your eyes to I wouldn't say feast upon, but to enjoy a real solid meal just with the visual aspects of this movie, the sets, the Vista porn, the uh the even the costumes are really, really fun.

SPEAKER_02 54:16

Yeah, it it's not it's not quite sci-fi, it's not quite fantasy.

SPEAKER_04 54:21

It's it's kind of like fantasy.

SPEAKER_02 54:24

Fantasy.

SPEAKER_04 54:24

I was gonna say it's that He-Man uh He-Man is better than I was thinking like uh kind of like Dune, but like He-Man is much better.

SPEAKER_02 54:31

A little like Dune, yeah, but you know what I'm saying is like an era where swords and lasers are at the same time. Shout out to Sword and Laser, which isn't an actual podcast that talks about sci-fi and fantasy books. Nice. Uh, anyways, I but like this movie is just uh such a fucking visual feast, and we say this often, and it is truer every time we say it. Even a lackluster or slightly nonsensical story can be made up for with passion and effort and intent, right? Like, and this movie is pretty nonsensical, like it it's it's it's there's some goofy shit.

SPEAKER_04 55:13

Uh Colwings in line enough, I think, with the almost like traditional kind of like you know, yeah uh heroes like uh love gets kidnapped and he's got to assemble a motley army to like save her, but it falls enough in line with some of those tropes that at least I was like more comfortable just absorbing and rolling with the stuff that it asks you to accept. Just like, yeah, this fucking changeling thing is going around and uh oh, like it can impersonate people, uh-oh, but the main character's love is so pure that now it's into him. And yeah, she just gets fucking deleted. I thought that shit was hilarious when the beast just like like fucking swipes her out of uh out of existence.

SPEAKER_02 55:52

It was wild. Um I guess the way I would put it, if you'll permit me to be a little artsy fartsy, uh the price of admission is easily paid in this case. Like it's very straightforward. But I mean, also give a shout out. It was 1983. People were not worried about subverting tropes. We had not seen those tropes yet.

SPEAKER_04 56:13

Like well put, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:14

Like a movie could be earnest, and indeed, like that's kind of what plagued fantasy for a long time is that it came off very cheesy and overly earnest and sincere. And like that's I admit that's kind of still a problem that plagues fantasy today, where it's like difficult to give a dramatic reading where you're saying shit like we've got to save the sorcerer kings from the muxruck. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's that's why a lot of places say, like, oh, it was it was this event was known as the reckoning, rather than like, oh, it was the great doom of Kama Fatra. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 56:51

Uh well that just sounds like the bad guy or the narrator has a speech. Or he just like was riding a horse and tried to talk.

SPEAKER_02 57:02

I think in my head I'm thinking of like one of these dramatic narrators who has to keep saying a bunch of like nonsensical fancy like fantasy words and like and like and like he's just having a harder and harder time keeping up. Like it's like first it was in the age of Zamanthrax that he the who wielded Grootmore and and Deowulf. Yeah, he stood with the Illyrians. Like, I've I'll be real, I fucking love that. I'm like, yeah, yeah, man. Yeah, like I f I fucking love it in like a J you see this in JRPGs a lot. Like this time of great struggle was known as the Yakinda. And I'm like, of course, okay, like sure, you know. Why?

SPEAKER_04 57:51

Like, I mean you gotta name it something, right?

SPEAKER_02 57:54

Well, yeah, but like if you say if you call something the reckoning, you know what that was, but it's like they called this great instability the Yakinda's like uh oh okay, okay, fuck it, it's that kind of world, fuck it, let's roll, you know? I I I admire that. I admire it.

SPEAKER_04 58:11

They did a decent job with keeping the uh I think the the fuck, there's a fancy word for this, but the the no nomenclature kind of of like the various I mean, you know, the the beast.

SPEAKER_02 58:23

Yeah, the beast, the slayers, colwing. We gotta talk about the let's let's let's glaze the glaive a little here. Um yeah. Um right after right after uh and I I actually kind of love this sequence. Like right after he gets slimmed. Right after the wedding gets slimed, and Eneer, the old one, saves him. He's like, he's like, before you go after the beast, you must retrieve the glaive. He's got a tool. It's like the it's it's a it's a ninja star, basically. It's like it's just a glock. It's totally fucking sick. It's totally fucking sick. Like it's like it's it's this, it's it's like this like picture a knife you can throw and it comes back. Like, what if you strap knives to a boober? Like six knives onto a boober. It's like shut the fuck up. It's like, no, no, that's a thing, dude. That's a thing, dude. It's like I'm sorry I'm really delighted by this idea of like an old wizen mentor talking like a bro.

SPEAKER_04 59:21

He's like really stoked about this fucking avoidance.

SPEAKER_02 59:24

No, no, dude, that's the thing. That's the thing, is the blades fold in when you're not using it. So like you throw it and the blades flick out like fucking it's it's it's it's centrifugal or something. I don't know. But it goes and it's like oh poing point. Look, just just go get it, just go get it. You like just go see what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_04 59:40

And he goes and he's like expecting, and I I just googled it to make sure I wasn't tripping, but like he goes and he's expecting like a pole arm, and instead he gets this like crazy, bejeweled, like bedazzled like spring action ninja star thing.

SPEAKER_02 59:52

This is one of the this is one of the great moments of fantasy uh as a genre, is because I'm gonna work backwards slightly. Okay. World of Warcraft is a monstrously popular fantasy property.

unknown 1:00:06

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:06

And within World of Warcraft, there are glaives, which are what we see here.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:12

And they are like any fucking okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:14

Yeah, they are and and basically in World of Warcraft, a glaive is just any any kind of multi-bladed weapon. So like there's there's war glaives that are like two-sided, and there's like throwing glaives, it's etc, etc. But uh they got that from Kroll. And Krull, I think, just picked it out because it's it's a cool it's a cool sounding word.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:38

It's a cool word. Like Krull is a cool word, and glaive.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:41

Yeah, Kroll is a cool word, glaive is a cool word. But yes, a glaive is a type of European pole arm uh from medieval times, and status a little more practical. Well, there's like there are like a million types of pole arms, so like it's very easy to get lost.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:59

A Vouge, a partisan, a partisan Halbert, the Naginata staff, the bill. Just pulling this shit off Wikipedia, but uh, the war scythe, the Japanese Naginata, the Chinese Guandao, the Korean Waldo, and the Russian Sovnya.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:16

I probably mispronounced uh 75% or more of those, but point being there's a million kinds of spears out there.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:22

There's only one fucking glaive.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:24

I think Kroll just thought, like, you know what, they aren't gonna notice this one missing. And they're right. Because now more people know a glaive by a multi-bladed throwing star than they do by a pole arm. So who's laughing now? Let that be a lesson to you. Let that be a lesson to you. Any sufficiently cool story can utterly change the face of lived history.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:49

Yeah, that's true.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:50

Like that's a little chilling. World of Warcraft made it so that this irrefutable fact of medieval history is now completely almost like dwindling.

SPEAKER_05 1:02:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:01

You know, in 50 years, no one's ever going to think that a glaive was a pole arm.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:05

Now I will ask this um, for how much they talk up the glaive, and I think we can both admit it's like a it's a fun and very original like design for like a legendary weapon, but how do you think like for how much they talked it up? Did you want more glaive action in the movie, or were you satisfied with the amount of glaiving we did? You wanted to get glaived a little harder.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:25

I would love a little better, I would love a little more thorough glaive. Nice hard glaive. I would love a nice hard God. How long has it been since I had a nice hard glaive?

SPEAKER_03 1:02:34

How long has it been since I met a man with a glaive?

SPEAKER_04 1:02:39

Well, since, you know, Austria.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:41

Sex in the city with glaives. Sex in sex in the black fortress. Sex and sex and the black fortress. Oh god. Samantha, the slay has kidnapped uh Cynthia.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:54

Wait, why is Stan Lee kidnapping these women?

SPEAKER_03 1:02:58

Welcome to Sex and Stan Lee.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:06

That's looking good, dude.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:07

Samantha, I got a problem. I'm supposed to write a new Spider-Man, but all I can think of is what if he shit himself.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:17

And she's like, oh, that's good.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:19

Like, oh that's good. It's like, can we get some more cosmos? Excelsior.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:30

I can't help it. I love Stan Lee. I love I love putting Stan Lee in places he shouldn't be.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:39

Stan Lee in places he shouldn't be.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:42

I'm here at the center of the labyrinth. The Minotaur is eating my pancreas. Holy stroke!

SPEAKER_04 1:03:51

Now, random side question. Now, I I was thinking about it the other day, and like, would it be Minotaur or Minotaur? Because wasn't the guy came Minos? I say Minotaur too, but like wouldn't like if we're being like you know precise about it, wouldn't it be Minotaur? Because Minos and like right? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:07

I think it's actually in the the Greek pronunciation is Minos, so it would be Minotaur. That said, that's like the worst of the three. I'm a fucking American. I'm an American. I have no problem taking someone else's language and just bashing it to suit my needs.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:25

In this house we say minotaur.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:30

I won't have my daughter dating no minotaur, no Grecian creatures of myth.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:36

You know my feelings about you dating mythical creatures. You get that satter out of here. You I don't like you hanging out with those satyrs. I don't like their pan pipes.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:48

Is it satyrs or satyrs? You're probably right. I trust you on.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:51

I say satyrs.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:52

I trust you on satyrs.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:53

So like I'm just again, like I'm American. I I will take I will you can't stop me.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:01

Yeah, that's uh put that on a fucking t-shirt and print it. I'm American, you can't stop me. That is an incredible fucking quote by Stan Silver.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:12

Whoever is president when they're reading this.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:16

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:17

We have a pitch for you.

unknown 1:05:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:19

When reading this, when you're reading it.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:20

President RFK Jr. when you're uh cutting raccoon penises off on the in the Oval Office.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:27

President RFK Jr. from your machine throne that keeps you alive well into the 22nd millennium.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:36

Did you read that or like hear about that thing where like he like it was talking about like pulling aside on like a family road trip on the highway so he could like cut the dick off of a road killed raccoon?

SPEAKER_02 1:05:45

Yeah. I I read the passage and it said he was wondering why all his friends were weird.

SPEAKER_04 1:05:50

Right, which is like that's funny. That's funny and I think indic indicative almost of the fact that he knows that he's weird. Yeah. So why hasn't he stopped?

SPEAKER_02 1:06:00

I'm just gonna say, I'm just gonna say, I'm not defending him. I'm not defending him. I'm just saying if you are the type of person that cuts off roadkill penises, people who don't cut off roadkill penises probably look weird to you. I think that was I think that was at the end of uh Attack of the Sith, where Anakin Skywalker Revenge of the Sith, sorry. Where Anakin says, from my point of view, the raccoon penises are normal.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:30

There are many methods of procuring deli meat that some would consider natural.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:36

Is it possible to eat a raccoon? Is it is it pass is it possible to learn how to make a raccoon into gravy? Not from a Jedi.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:47

Yeah, remember like that scene where he will hunter in like the speeder? Imagine him just like splattering a raccoon in the windshield. Nobody's like, ew, gross, get it out of here. Going out of his way to bag. Like, I need that for later.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:02

He's like deliberately steering into wildlife. Just crashing into wildlife and fucking just the entire fucking dark side happens because uh Obi-Wan thinks it's gross as shit.

SPEAKER_05 1:07:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:17

If he had just kept his fucking mouth shut and let him eat his raccoon penis sandwich.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:23

Banakin felt judged, and now look at all look at what's happened to all the young lynx.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:27

I know you just said but Anakin, but it hit me as bananicin.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:32

Okay, let's unpack that. But Anakin, like, is he eating bananas or is he wearing like a banana?

SPEAKER_02 1:07:38

It's like bananas and pajamas. He's a giant amporphic banana.

SPEAKER_04 1:07:43

Is his lightsaber like a kind of floppy yellow thing?

SPEAKER_02 1:07:46

It's it it no, it it peels and it like grows other. No, that's awful. And it's still him massacring like a bunch of just bludgeoning people with a huge banana. Yeah, he's just fucking disgusting. Uh I do want to mention this about Kroll. And I'm sorry, as many times as it takes, we'll just keep coming back. We'll get there. It's our touchstone. Oh, my glasses are fogging up because I was so fucking delighted about roadkill Anakin. Um, if Kroll has a weakness, well, it probably has a few weaknesses, but this is the thing that stuck out to me most. It goes, it's two hours long. Yeah. And my god, you feel it. You fucking feel it. Like that age, like a decade. But it's a very specific kind of too long. Okay. Where like it it spends so much time on shit that is not like dramatically interesting. Like uh at some point, the whole their whole quest is to find out where the black fortress will show up because it disappears at night and and goes somewhere else. Teleports every night. It teleports, so they have to figure out where it's going to be so that they can get inside it. Uh and to and once they find out where it's going to get, they're like, We must find we we must get the fire mare. I guess they will help us.

SPEAKER_04 1:09:14

Burning Clydesdales.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:15

Yeah, yeah. So they literally, there's like a a like 11-minute scene of them like trying to lasso horses and failing. And like we don't really know what a fire mare is at this point. Yeah, we just look like horses, they just look like horses, and then later they all mount them and they do some of that sweet, sweet motion blur technology, and the fucking horses got fire. But my god, it's it's literally it's it's kind of like what if in Iron Man there was just like a 10-minute scene where he just was looking at blueprints and just thinking. That's what it felt like.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:53

Like, like he laughs with these horses in a cave with scraps.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:58

He laughs with that's why he's iron horse. Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:04

Stan, do you mean like Iron Man, but he's a horse? No! He's a man, he's a man that wears a horse as armor. Stan, that sounds and the horse's iron, no, it's just flesh, the horse is flesh and blood, and he needs a new horse.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:24

He is always screaming, and somehow still alive.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:28

Stan, I don't know if this is gonna sell you're fired.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:31

You have to do it. I have your family. I have your family. Now write it.

SPEAKER_04 1:10:44

Stanley's estate is gonna have fucking words for us. Parody, it's all parody.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:50

I have your family.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:01

I don't know why that's so funny.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:08

Stan Lee, is that you? Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:11

Like Stan Lee kidnapping an author's family and forcing him to write a comic about I have your family.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:27

Stay tuned, true believers. Stay tuned, true believers.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:33

He faked his own death, and now he's like slowly like you know, descending into a well of madness.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:43

He assembles all the fucking Marvel actors together. It turns out this has been a long con for him to like to like swallow their life essence and be reborn.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:57

Stan and now I am Stan Lich. Alright, we gotta get I have your family.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:12

Oh, it fucking got you, didn't it?

SPEAKER_02 1:12:14

I don't know, it it got me really good, dude. I'm just picturing like Stan Lee like chasing people around a house with like a burn lap sack.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:23

Oh no! Zip ties.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:26

Yeah, it's it's like it's not it's not like menacing at all. He's like, come here, you weirdo!

SPEAKER_04 1:12:32

You can escape by just going up the stairs.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:34

He's got like a two by four, and he's like he's like taking him out of the-king it around. Yeah, he's like, get back here. I have you. All right, fuck, no, I'm sorry. Crowl, curl, crawl, back to crowl.

SPEAKER_04 1:12:51

But there's uh there's a fire horses, yeah. There's a lot of things. Right, and then they use them for all of like maybe like 30 seconds on screen.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:00

It's like, yeah, they just needed them to get to the fortress because it was like it takes longer to catch them and train them. Yeah, and like, you know, like I do think we live in a very neat time right now where a lot of people are rediscovering movies like this, and we are talking about kind of how older movies compare to newer movies and so forth. And you know, this this uh this podcast talks plenty of shit about Marvel. Uh but one thing they do well is they have great economy of scenes. Like yeah, there is like not a wasted second. There's not a waste screen right now. And that and that can sometimes be a downer, actually, because sometimes you do want to linger and loiter.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:42

Let it breathe a little bit, sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:44

Yeah, yeah. But Kroll is the exact opposite where it just lingers way too long.

SPEAKER_04 1:13:48

It's like somebody like inhaling like excessively loudly next to you in an elevator.

SPEAKER_02 1:13:53

Yes, that's weirdly so accurate. It's like not harmful, but oh god, that was creepy.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:04

And then you feel a hand on your back. Oh no, I'm Stan Lee, and I'm in the elevator with you. I'm a changel. I've replaced all your favorite actors. I've replaced all your favorite actors with Stan Lee. Now go forth, my army. My legions march forth! My legion, my legions, and conquer and conquer Mexico.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:32

Wait, why Mexico? Just shut up! I want Mexico.

SPEAKER_04 1:14:35

It's the closest one, and I don't like the cold, so really it was the only choice.

SPEAKER_02 1:14:40

I did not have enough for a clone army. This is this is this is kind of pushing it, and honestly, we might not even take Mexico with this one. We might need to just try Costa Rica.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:51

I need to siphon more life force. Get me the beat lifters, bring me Stephen Dorf, bring me the rest of the Hemsworths.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:00

And that is when our boy the Black Prince's fucking story really like picks up.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:06

Yeah, when he has to be when Stan Lee's trying to eat him.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:10

Yeah, and then in like a twist, it's revealed that like Chris, after having been like suctioned of his life force, has been turned into like a like an unthinking, like like Gollum. Yeah, like it's golem. I say golem, I say golem, and I think it's ready as to fight his older brother.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:27

I think it's called it's actually pronounced Golem, but I like Golem.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:31

I like Golem better too, because Golem is like, you know, he's like That's the guy.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:35

That's the guy.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:36

Yeah. I'm talking about like a big like stone thing.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:39

Plus, I golem. Golem. Like that guy is getting shit done. Like that golem is going. Yeah, like if I didn't like Golem over Gollum for sure, dude.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:50

I don't want golem.

SPEAKER_02 1:15:51

Absolutely, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 1:15:52

The only scenario I'd really want, like, to be like chilling with Gollum is if like I really wanted some fish and I didn't have any like other words.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:00

You gotta believe that that guy knows where to get some good fish. He's fucking fishes. Yeah. Fish, fish. Well, like, well, let's be real, like, fish was that guy's life for a while.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:10

Like Yeah, he didn't have a lot of fish.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:12

Outside of the ring, that guy was interested in fish. Like, I bet you that's where Lord of the Rings gets really interesting, is like you just find out that Gollum can talk about fish for hours. That's what he's actually f he's actually fucking like coherent during most of it too. He's like, actually, you know what really helps is if you chum the water beforehand.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:36

Like, really? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And like you don't even have to, like, local laws say you can't get out endangered species, but there's tons of fish that are not good for eating or keeping that you can just turn and chum right.

SPEAKER_02 1:16:48

And they're like, really? Like, I swear to god, dude. I swear to god, like this voice is killing me.

SPEAKER_04 1:16:53

It reminds me of uh one of my good friends who's uh like DMing a uh DD campaign for me right now, and he does some phenomenal voice acting, and that is uh that is pretty much like right on point for one of the characters.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:06

You know what's really interesting is the way I did that was by envisioning another character doing a Gollum impression. It was very Stanley!

SPEAKER_03 1:17:15

How did you like my circus and his oh no no no this is let me let me let me have that precious I gotta have I gotta have that precious? I have your family.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:30

That honestly, Gollum should have tried that.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:34

I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 1:17:34

I love I love the idea of Stanley just kidnapping people as a way to gain leverage over various like authors to make them white shitty stories.

SPEAKER_02 1:17:44

Yeah, he's like kidnaps Hollywood to force them to you know, like North Korea once kidnapped a South Korean director and forced him to make movies there. That's what I'm saying. Kim Jong-il production.

SPEAKER_01 1:17:58

I recommended that book to me. I read it.

SPEAKER_02 1:18:00

And by the way, a great fucking book, a great fucking book. A Kim Jong-il production is such a good book. Uh, do read it, but yeah, like stay.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:09

I I found Chris Evans and I I unspawed him from the ice he'd been frozen in for centuries. I unspawned him from the ice and I said, Chris, how'd you like to make a movie about a sexually irresistible old man?

SPEAKER_04 1:18:24

I'm just imagining like Chris uh Chris Evans is like waking up, he's being thawed from like a massive like 1800-style block of ice, and the first thing he sees is Stan Lee in a parka with sunglasses on.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:35

Hey Chris, I'm putting together a team.

SPEAKER_04 1:18:39

Yeah, he's wearing like a Canada goose parka. He's like really dripped out, is like all the fur and everything.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:44

A team for one purpose, and that purpose is get Stan Lee McDonald's. I have your family. I have your family. And if you don't get me a double quarter pounder combo meal and a can of Campbell's chunky soup.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:04

Well, remember what I did to Gwen Stacy. And Chris Evans is like, who the fuck is that? And he's just like, nah, you don't remember the old era.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:11

I killed he's just like, well, listen, that was that was that was before Disney bought the rights. Uh there was a different continuity starring Andrew Goffy. We did another movie about it. You might remember.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:25

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I have your family. All right, I gotta start with the family. You never seen the movie Kroll. I Chris Evans, I demand you watch Kroll.

SPEAKER_04 1:19:36

That's his final fucking like challenge for everyone who's like, I'll let your families go, but first you have to sit through my favorite ocean picture.

SPEAKER_03 1:19:43

You have to watch Kroll. It's based off of my fever dreams.

SPEAKER_02 1:19:48

Actually, I won't like, well then take this since Stanley fucking gets you with the glaive. Except my throat with it. Except it's a coat hanger with like Xacto knives taped to it.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:02

Oh, that's like that's way scarier. I'd be more worried about that.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:07

He just wings it. Yeah, he just wings it at you like fucking gets you in the jugular, and you're like, oh, like a blood sprinkler. It's just so fucking gross and nasty.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:20

Everyone's screaming, nobody's watching the movie.

SPEAKER_03 1:20:22

And Stanley's like, that's from Kroll.

SPEAKER_04 1:20:28

Alright, well, I'm gonna take a piss real quick. I will be right back. I'll let you entertain the audience with discussions of Stan Lee and legendary X Acto weapons.

SPEAKER_02 1:20:39

I I'm sorry, we're not talking about the movie as much as we should. It's just, it's we're having a lot of fun right now. This is a happy hour podcast. It's about uh having a good it's not about being accurate, it's about being funny. Stan Lee taping Xacto knives to a coat hanger and using it as a glaive is pretty funny. I think. I think not everyone has to agree. Um Kroll is absolutely gorgeous though. Like I have I have been having such a good time with that movie. Uh even so, I do regret that we didn't talk about it. But those are the two big points, though, is just uh it's gorgeous visually, just absolutely gorgeous, and it looks beautiful, and the acting is okay. You know, it's 1983 fantasy genre acting, it's fine. But it does go on a long time, and like it is beautiful, it sincerely is beautiful. I think everyone should watch it, but my god, my god, does it go on? I can't explain why I think Stan Lee kidnapping people. I think it's because he's all right, it's it's because he's he he is, you know, he was most of my memories of Stan Lee are him being very elderly and like a little fragile looking. So like it's the fact that it's the fact that he could not kidnap people that's funny, I think. It's like it's such an absurd.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:26

When he was younger.

SPEAKER_02 1:22:27

I believe it. I believe it. Alright, listen, listen though, listen, listen. I think I've said all I can about Kroll. I am honestly worried about drifting back into Stan Lee. Stan Lee's taken.

SPEAKER_04 1:22:46

Well, who is going like is it is it Liam Hemsworth or is it uh a different technical personage who's going to like rescue the families?

SPEAKER_02 1:22:57

I don't know. Like I think Stan Lee is has not actually kidnapped them, he's just kidnapped random people.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:04

Oh, and he he like shows a picture of like who he's kidnapped. Like that's not my family. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know who those people are. Oh well still my captives. What about these? Like you're you're somehow morally responsible for this. Like it sounds like you just did this to to random. Shut up! You have to write the story.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:23

You gotta write the story. Peter Parker pisses himself. He has to piss all over Galactus's glove to peeactus' stan.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:33

Stan, I gotta, I gotta say, man. Like, I'm there's a theme here.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:36

Everyone's picking it up, nobody. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 1:23:39

I don't know. Like, yeah, like once in a while, poop is kind of funny, Stan, but this is this is ridiculous. My point being is like, I think I've said all I I think I've hit every main point I want to hit about Kroll. Like, gorgeous movie, gorgeous fucking movie. Goes on for quite a while. Still love it.

SPEAKER_04 1:23:56

Predictable plot. A lot of the stuff in the middle is like we said, side quests. Like, yeah, figure out where the black fortress is. Oh, like that didn't work, so now we gotta go somewhere else to find the black fortress, but first we're gonna go through the swamp. And you know, they're all executed well, but you know, you were saying earlier, like every scene goes on a bit too long, right? Yeah, any individual scene is bad, it's just that all of them just you know I yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:23

And I do think this movie is very much worth watching. Like, I think this movie is a big part of American cinema. Like, I I think you can see the ground a big part of American cinema.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:36

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:37

Yes, sir, yes, sir, because I'm like one of them aliens from the arrival.

SPEAKER_04 1:24:41

I lost like 14 million dollars in 1983.

SPEAKER_02 1:24:45

Oh, yeah, no, like I'm not saying it was great. I'm saying I, you know, like well, you know, the Black Death wasn't fun either, but that's a big part of history, isn't it?

SPEAKER_04 1:24:54

So you're saying this is the equivalent of like the Black Death for cinema?

SPEAKER_02 1:24:58

Not quite. What I'm trying to say is being a dick.

SPEAKER_04 1:25:00

I get what you that was a good comparison.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:04

This movie uh it have an effect, probably. It has it well, like I said, I do think this movie kind of laid the groundwork. I can't say what Peter Jackson actually drew inspiration from. But you look at this movie and you see these wide vista shots that suggest an enormous world full of adventure. That's very common in fantasy movies now, you know?

SPEAKER_04 1:25:26

Yeah. Uh based on available information, there's no direct evidence or acknowledgement that Peter Jackson took inspiration from the 1983 fantasy film Krull for the Lord of the Rings or his other major works. Thanks.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:39

Okay, yeah. I mean, no direct evidence. The direct evidence. But but I mean, that's the thing, is like, even if it's not a deliberate uh homage, it can still be an influence. Supports it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's that's what I mean by saying, like, um, you gotta look at it like the aliens from arrival. Like it's uh it's you walk it's it's not happening linearly, it's all happening at the same time, you know? And like shit. Like Kroll is Kroll is kind of like an artistic whale fall almost. Yeah, it flopped. What's a whale fall? Oh, a whale fall is very cool. It's when a whale dies.

SPEAKER_04 1:26:18

Okay, uh, and it falls to the bottom of the ocean.

SPEAKER_02 1:26:20

Yeah, yeah, and eventually sinks to the bottom and it becomes like this enormous buffet for critters down there. Like Kroll might have not done so well, and it might have flopped pretty bad, but other movies picked it apart, took what they liked, and it lives on, you know? So, like, I but I'll say, like, even as corny as it is, I'm a man who likes corny, I like hokey, I do not care at all that the uh plot is about a guy trying to get his girlfriend back. That sounds fucking wonderful. And he has a fucking ninja star. And he's got a big you gotta find the ninja star. It's it's fucking sick. It's the glade man.

SPEAKER_04 1:27:03

It'd be sick if like Eirmir or whatever his name was was just drunk the whole time.

SPEAKER_02 1:27:08

Oh yeah, no, like like I love the idea of like one of these wise old Obi-Wan types, but he's just a fucking mess. I guess I got that in Hunger Games with Hey Mitch, but it it wasn't as funny as I wanted it to be. Yeah. Yeah, well, I would I would like it to be funny. I don't think that's asking too much. Uh is there anything you want to add?

SPEAKER_04 1:27:28

Because I feel like we have fucking covered a lot of ground in this lots of ground. Um I guess the only thing that I have left is they dangled some pretty obvious sequel bait, I thought, at the end. Yeah, but it just it just didn't happen. That's too bad. What would you think of like a like an HBO reboot?

SPEAKER_02 1:27:48

I honestly don't I I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it. I don't think and for this reason, and it might not be the reason you think. Okay, I don't think today. Self-aware, cringe-obsessed movies could pull off the sincerity and heart that this movie had. Like this movie was not self-aware at all. It's literally a movie like we gotta go find the Glaive and use the Glaive to kill the beast to save the princess. And like if you can't accept that at totally straight fucking face value, you're not gonna like this movie. If you have to be like, oh well, what you know, like how are they gonna subvert this? No, like today is like I think everyone, like, well, I'm not gonna speak generally, but like I just think today's filmmaking, profit-driven as it is, everything's got to deliver. Like, say what you want about Kroll. There's a lot you can criticize, but this movie is someone's passion project, and you can smell the passion, and it's Frank. It's it's oh, I was gonna say there's there's there's a there's a bit of pineapple in there.

SPEAKER_04 1:29:01

Okay, uh that works too, yeah. Uh I guess last question do you think you could effectively wield the glaive in combat?

SPEAKER_02 1:29:08

I would kill myself so quick.

unknown 1:29:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 1:29:13

Like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just I said low, I said low dexterity, I meant low dexterity. Like, like I feel like I could probably I would probably kill myself with its blade still sheathed, like yeah, just blunt force trauma, probably. Like, I feel like I would be running with it and I would trip and like it would uh and I would just like it would go right between my eyes. Dude, that guy must like in the time leading up to the invention of boomerangs, it must have been a fucking funny time to be an aboriginal. Like I don't know if that's exactly how I put it, but yeah. Well, you put like no, like picture picture watching some dude invent the boomerang just fucking getting whacked in the head so many times, like okay, yeah. That's pretty good. Hell yeah, dude. That's so funny.

SPEAKER_04 1:30:07

Yeah, that's I'd have that guy as a friend.

SPEAKER_02 1:30:09

There have been more than a few boomerang themed heroes throughout fiction, and that's that's interesting. Like right, not that not every not every male power fantasy is particularly deep, but sometimes it's just wouldn't it be weird? Wouldn't it be yeah, it is weird that like uh being good with a boomerang is like a male power fantasy? It's like hell yeah. Like, well, look at our boy Link, Legend of Zelda. That guy fucking he can't get enough boomerang.

SPEAKER_01 1:30:41

It's uh like the worst I'm talking about Link's shit, it's bullshit, but well I'm talking about shoulding. I'm talking about the Twilight Princess Boomerang, the one that has wins. I'm a bow bitch for days.

SPEAKER_00 1:30:57

And I Verner Werner, you're here too? Yes, my favorite was Link to the Past. I loved the magic wand that could create blocks, even though it was useful in only two puzzles. If we had not solved those puzzles, we could have never freed Princess Zelda. There is poetry in this, there is meaning.

SPEAKER_02 1:31:28

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_01 1:31:30

Uh do you do you have any other episode? It was fun to play when I was fucking drunk. And admittedly, we remote around. I accidentally killed seven of ten butlers. And the remaining three I killed intentionally.

SPEAKER_02 1:31:54

Uh I am so fucking I'm ready to tap out, man. Like I I I feel as though I have just fucking drank hot coffee before running a marathon.

SPEAKER_04 1:32:07

No, um, we did uh briefly discuss before uh we started recording um what we'd like to do for next week.

SPEAKER_02 1:32:14

And we're gonna just try something new here. We're gonna announce what movie we're watching so that you could watch it with us. And when we watch when we talk about it, you'll be like, oh shit. Stanley wasn't in that movie. What are these guys doing? Uh Will, would you like to tell us what movie we're gonna watch next week? Yeah, next year.

SPEAKER_04 1:32:36

Ladies and gentlemen, next week we will be discussing Escape from New York, starting the Kurt Russell.

SPEAKER_02 1:32:42

Oh, we have not done a Kurt Russell yet. I'm excited. I'm excited. It's gonna get wet. All right, with that, with that on the tip of your tongue, would you like to do a little housekeeping?

SPEAKER_04 1:32:54

Yes, sir. Uh Slop Culture is a podcast hosted by Sam Sykes, that's him, and Will Palmer, that's me. Please give us a five-star review on whatever platform you heard us on, or throw us a like, or what have you. Um, our cover art's by Andrew Sides, and our intro music is by Joe Roy. You can find me on social media at uh Palmskis or Will underscore Palmskis pretty much anywhere.

SPEAKER_02 1:33:17

You can find me at Sam Sykes Swears pretty much anywhere. This has been Slop Culture. This has been an attempt at Kroll. Yeah, there was an attempt.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:27

And until next time, stay sloppy.